[2F18] Two Dozen & One Greyhounds
Two Dozen & One Greyhounds Written by Mike Scully
Directed by Bob Anderson
===============================================================================
Production code: 2F18 Original airdate in N.A.: 9-Apr-95
Capsule revision E, 30-Aug-96
Title sequence
Blackboard :- The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far.
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so/ at cutoff.
Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.
Couch :- Everyone chases the couch as it and the back wall move
backward down a long perspective tunnel. Recycled from
2F06.
Did you notice...
Tony Hill:
... SLH and his innamorata are both number eight in their final
races?
... this episode was apparently animated before Branford Marsalis
left "The Tonight Show"?
... Marge can distinguish the dogs? (She refers to Branford II.)
... only two of the puppies are female, Cleo and Queenie?
Don Del Grande:
... SLH runs to where the ball is going rather than going for the
ball itself?
... SLH's head "snaps" from one position to another in the pet
store?
... the Simpsons go to "Springfield Pet Shop" instead of "All
Creatures Great and Cheap" like in 8F06, 9F14?
... the clock during the meal when STF gives birth says 11:10?
... Frank Welker finally got a "Special Guest Voice" credit for the
first time instead of an "Also Starring" credit?
Matthew Kurth:
... where Branford II's paw is touching on the TV screen?
... Bart missed the laundry basket?
Dave Hall:
... Homer isn't wearing an undershirt?
... Marge buried Homer's Ray Stevens' record?
... Chief Wiggum wears his hat to bed?
... Wiggum hangs his gun and holster on the bed post?
... Wiggum is nude, but his wife isn't?
... Ralph's picture on the Wiggums' night table?
... the family buys something live for SLH?
... the smoke and dust behind the car?
... no one is wearing their seat belt?
... the bleachers are too high for Bart and Lisa?
... SLH's girlfriend has eyelashes?
... Homer calls STF "a little horse"?
... Maggie doesn't appear until STF is about to have her puppies?
... Homer drinking something other than beer in the kitchen?
... Grampa's telephone isn't connected?
... Rev. Lovejoy doesn't wear a jacket to dinner?
... Skinner and Grampa hold the puppies with pinkies extended?
... they send two police cars over for the dog napping?
... Burns has a magazine rack next to his toilet?
... Burns' bathroom has a telephone, but no toilet paper?
... Burns' bear-skin rug?
... Burns' wardrobe closet has six chandeliers?
... Burns' hat stands are shaped like his head?
... Burns actually kisses little Monty?
... Burns does his own killing?
... Burns' socks have patches on them
Voice credits
- Starring
- Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Abe, auditor)
- Julie Kavner (Marge)
- Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
- Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
- Hank Azaria (Wiggum, pet store clerk, race track announcer, Texan,
Luigi, drill sergeant)
- Harry Shearer (Kent Brockman, cable TV announcer, Rev. Lovejoy,
Ned Flanders, Skinner, Burns, Smithers)
- Special Guest Voice
- Frank Welker (SLH and other animal noises)
- Also Starring
- Pamela Hayden (Jimbo) [not credited - ed]
- Tress MacNeille (Mrs. Potts)
Movie (and other) references
+ Disney's "101 Dalmations"
- episode title
- puppies watching TV {mk}
- Branford II poking his head up too high while watching TV, like
dalmation pup Lucky {mk}
- villain wants to make clothes out of the dogs {mk}
- many puppies about to be made into clothing {ddg}
+ "The Today Show" {th}
- has a glass-walled studio at the Rockefeller Center in NYC; allows
onlookers to watch Bryant et al. from 49th St.
+ Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks {mk}
- Kent's statement "if the box rattles, throw it away" like the Mrs.
Paul's jingle "if it's not Mrs. Paul's, throw it back"
+ Star Trek (original series)
- "canine-human" mind meld
+ "Terminator 2"
- SLH morphs out the car window with the same look at sound effect
+ "Bonanza" {wp}
- Ned calls his home the Flanderosa, which refers to the Ponderosa
+ Disney's "Lady and the Tramp"
- afternoon stroll similar {mk}
- Luigi's is similar to Tony's in both concept and design {mk}
- the famous "Bella Note" dinner sequence, complete with shared
spaghetti, including breadsticks and wine bottle candle {mk}
+ talk show hosts
- some puppies' names: Dave (David Letterman), Jay (Jay Leno), Paul
(Paul Shaffer), Branford (Branford Marsalis)
+ Disney's "Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs"
- the names of some of the puppies are the same
+ "Get Smart" {sg}
- Bart's line about "I hope I wasn't out of line" to a bully, just
like Max on "Get Smart"
"Jurassic Park" {bwd}
- camera angle showing doorknob turning and doorknob itself very
similar to one shot from the movie
+ Disney's "Beauty and the Beast"
- "Be Our Guest" song parody
- 360-degree pan at end similar to pan in "Belle" number {mk}
- Mrs. Potts appears {mk}
+ Quentin Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs"
- camera angle when Burns threatens them with the gun
Previous episode references
- [7G08] the story of Homer acquiring SLH, betting on #8 {th}
- [8F08] Springfield Downs appears
- [7F14] SLH behaves badly {th}
- [7F21] "Best two out of three" {wp}
- [9F15] Burns' basement dark and unfinished (note ping pong table in
one scene) {mk}
- [1F01] "Burns Manor" footage recycled {mk}
- [1F04] "Dogs Playing Poker" is lampooned {th}
- [1F14] "Terminator 2" is referenced
- [1F15] Snowball II gets jealous for attention {th}
Freeze frame fun
- Sign: {mk}
SPRINGFIELD
PET SHOP
"All Our Pets
Are Flushable"
- Sign: {mk} S P R I N G F I E L D D O G T R A C K "Think Of Them As
Little Horses"
- Some places the dogs go: {dh}
- Ye Olde Butcher Shoppe
- Video Village
- the park
- Luigi's
- Some places the puppies get put: {dh}
- Bart's lucky red hat
- baseball mitt
- Homer's shoe
- apron that reads "Cook those dogs"
- tea canister
- coffee canister
- sugar canister
- Marge's hair
- oven mitt on refrigerator
- Puppies' names: {djk}
- Rover Jay II
- Fido Paul II
- Rex Branford II
- Spot Sleepy
- Rover II Dopey
- Fido II Grumpy
- Rex II Donner
- Cleo Blitzen
- Dave Grumpy II
- Jay King
- Paul Queenie
- Branford Prince
- Dave II The puppy formerly known as Prince
- Burns' wardrobe: {dh}
- gorilla vest
- Irish Setter sweater
- cat skin hat
- bat cape
- African endangered albino rhino slippers
- Grizzly bear underwear
- turtlenecks made from real turtles
- poodle beret
- single-and double-breasted suits made from red robin feathers
- gopher loafers
Animation, continuity, and other goofs
Channel 6 is right across from the Box factory (1F11) -- which isn't
downtown -- so Kent's new studio _couldn't_ have been looking out on the
town square. {mk}
Mr. and Mrs. van Houten are in the scene behind Kent as he reads the
news; they're crawling away to our right when the panic begins. {ddg}
The cable TV cable is strung unrealistically. {th}
Since when have the Simpsons had cable (recall 7F13)? {wv}
The Wiggum's bedroom is depicted differently than in 9F21. {dh}
Chief Wiggum's bedroom TV has both cable and rabbit ears. {ddg}
If the Wiggums' cable had in fact been ripped out, the screen would have
gone to white noise, not to a recorded message. {th}
It's morning at the Simpson home yet the Wiggums appear to be going to
bed. {dh}
Watch the fish tank in the car. The water in the tank rises above the
top of the tank, but amazingly enough does not spill. {mk}
SLH's skull is too big to fit through the car window. {ddg}
The houses behind Homer's head change color. {smk}
Homer's tires keep smoking long after he completes his turn. {ddg}
When Homer and Bart originally found SLH, it was at "Springfield Downs",
which is now a horse race track (see 9F19); this time, SLH goes to
"Springfield Dog Track". {ddg}
Bart's seen "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What" in 8F22, so he should
know what SLH and STF are up to at the track. {mk}
The Simpsons used to have a doggie door. (cf. 7F23,8F14,8F17)
Just before the puppies are born, Maggie eats with her hands; when the
puppies are eating, Maggie has a spoon (but has her pacifier in her
mouth). {ddg}
A picture vanishes from the fridge door. {dh}
According to the UFA, Snowball II has had kittens at least once, so
having a pregnant pet should be nothing new. {mk}
When the puppies start to be born, Maggie disappears from the table.
{ddg}
There are 26 puppies eating out of bowls in the kitchen, yet there
should be 25 only. {djk}
New-born puppies shouldn't be able to crawl to the front door from the
kitchen. {dh}
Bart should have known the baby puppies wouldn't do much to Jimbo; he
could have said he was insulting Milhouse. {th}
Lisa stares down Snowball II when she looks for attention, but she's
Lisa's cat, and it's unlike her to be so unsympathetic to her pet's
emotional needs. {mk}
There are 27 puppies in Bart's sock drawer, never mind that at least 14
of them were in the shot just before it. {mk}
Abe's phone has no cord. {dh}
Mistake or not, there is nothing the Army could do to Homer once they
had discharged him, unless the draft is revived. When have we heard of
Homer being in the Army anyway? {th}
Homer is too fat to get into the army in 8F15. {ddg}
Homer, Marge, and Lisa change position between the scene where Burns is
walking away and the scene where he's piling the puppies into the sack.
Bart should be _very_ against giving the pups to Monty Burns -- remember
what he did to SLH in 8F17? {mk}
Where are Mr. Burns' attack dogs? {ddg}
Bart should know his way around Burns' Manor -- after all, he spent
several days/weeks there in 1F16. {mk}
Burns doesn't have those spots all over his body. (cf. 7F18.) {dh}
When Bart and Lisa try to get the puppies into the laundry chute, Mr.
Burns is turning the handle of the door that does not have the keyhole;
this handle usually doesn't turn in double doors. {ddg}
How could the handle turn more than 180 degrees? {mk}
The puppies appear to grow a bit after their trip down the laundry
chute. {dh}
When Mr. Burns points his gun at Bart, Bart's shoes and socks are back
on his feet. {ddg}
In the early shots of the basement, the back corner near the laundry
chute has a washer and dryer, but in some later shots, the washer turns
into a water heater. {mk}
Using a gun would create lots of holes in the puppies' pelts and render
them pretty useless for making his tuxedo. {mk}
Burns' gun vanishes when he falls to his knees. {dh}
If all 25 dogs were champion racers, why didn't Homer make a fortune
betting on them? {ddg}
Reviews
Tim D. Rice: I thought tonight's episode was great. We got the Snowball
II footage we've been clamoring for, and the slamming on Disney
still hasn't grown old. But who the heck is "Rory Calhoun"?
S. Rubin: Although the end was a bit too rushed and zipped up, this is
one of the best of recent shows. I hope this is an indication of
things to come. Thanks for making me laugh again.
Keith Bailey: I have to agree the puppy episode was very strange. It
felt as if new writers who didn't know much about the show wrote it.
Dairenn Lombard: They made three disney refs (indicative of an
experienced Simpsons writer), plus they had only minutes to wrap up
a pretty long and probably better-if drawn out episode. The only
thing is that it was fundamentally empty though had plenty of nice
visual gags, jokes and good puns.
Tony Hill: Absolutely fabulous! There are no words for this episode.
It is definitely the best of this season, and IMAO it ranks up with
any of the best of the early seasons as well. This episode was a
laugh riot from blackboard to fade to black. I hope we haven't seen
the last of Santa's Girlfriend. A+ and a star!
Christine Tiplady: The "Greyhounds" episode was Bad. By the end, the
showdown between the kids & Burns, I wasn't even cracking smiles.
And overall it just Wasn't Good -- what was it ABOUT?
Ken Scudder: Am I the only person who was disappointed with tonight's
episode? There wasn't much laugh out loud humor, and they didn't
seem to let the characters do what they're good at. It could be me,
but I don't think this is a good episode at all.
William Vaughan: It was pretty average. Some of Bart's comments were
funny and the "new" news studio, but overall, there wasn't much
there -- liked Burns' song though.
Marc Singer: The obviousness of the gags was particularly annoying. Are
they getting paid by the lame joke now? I think the writing has
just gotten abominable. The first new episode in weeks, and it was
this crap?
J. Seacs: I can't say this episode was my favorite, but I did LOVE
Burns' musical number. It really brought life to a rather drab
episode, as did the song and dance number in Monorail.
Matt Braun: Well, all in all, I thought the episode was pretty weak
(with the exception of bart's commentary on what SLH was doing to
the other dog...that was classic.)
Josh Goldfoot: This episode had the potential to turn into something
absolutely awful, and it did. Puppies? I'm supposed to laugh about
puppies? I haven't seen so much commercialized cuteness since the
Care Bears. I think we were all rooting for Burns.
David Rosen: Last night's episode is one of the worst of the year. The
episode is fairly representative of the inferior product that the
Simpsons' writers have been grinding out all season. What happened
to this show?
Paul Lee: Well, I enjoyed it, although I am partial to any episode that
features "that oddly lovable sadist" C. Montgomery Burns. Granted,
it wasn't one of the most uproarious episodes of the season, but it
was a solidly average Simpsons, in that I smiled frequently, but
really didn't need to bellow "BWAH HAH HA HA!"
Warren Hagey: This was one of my least favorite shows of this season.
There were a few small laughs, and Burns' song, but other than
that...The whole first act I kept telling myself that they were
building up to something, but soon enough the end credits were
rolling, and I still hadn't seen what they were building up to. C-.
Don Del Grande: B -- it was a B-plus to begin with, with a lot of laughs
almost making up for a single-minded story, but that entire last act
with Bart and Lisa trying to free the puppies was as predictable as
the end of the "MacGyver" episode Sideshow Bob saw that almost
canceled his wedding with Selma.
Rendell Bird: The "See My Vest" section is the only thing that keeps
this episode from being at the bottom of my list. As it stands, it
is only beaten by _Marge Goes to Jail_ and _Homer's Odyssey_. My
rating: D+.
Aaron Varhola: Yuk! Dare I say Yeardley was right? This show was way
too cartoony. A number of funny gags, and the puppies were cute,
but the plot was way too implausible; the characterization of OFF
was weak, and Burns was way out of character, evil instead of
callously amoral. I give it a D.
John J. Wood: I don't blame Aaron for his reaction -- I wasn't fond of
the episode, and my favorite part was clearly the Homer potato chip
scene. While the 101 Dalmations references were cute, as was the
Today show reference (the intro), most of the The Simpsons acted out
of character, and especially Burns! Grade: C.
Matthew Kurth: This wasn't an episode of "The Simpsons", it was another
cartoon masquerading as an episode of "The Simpsons". A really neat
concept, but laden with enough characterization holes to drive a
truck through. Just really bad. What scares me is the fact that
they did it all on purpose. 6.5/10
Yours truly: A weak episode, to be sure. I didn't think much of the
premise, and the cutesy ending mostly made me gag, but the episode
was saved by the very clever song (which was even better because of
the parody) and the whole Rory Calhoun thing. I give it a D+.
Comments and other observations
Ray Stevens
Tony Hill says, "Ray Stevens, a noted satirist (as opposed to a
parodist) had a number one hit in 1974 with `The Streak,' a paean to
a then-popular phenomenon. Among his other hits were `Shriner's
Convention,' `Ahab the Arab,' `Would Jesus Wear a Rolex (on His
Television Show),' `Mama's in the Sky with Elvis,' `Everything Is
Beautiful' (his biggest and only serious hit), and my personal
favorite, `Jeremiah Peabody's Poly-Unsaturated, Quick Dissolving,
Fast Acting, Pleasant Tasting, Green and Purple Pills.'"
25 puppies?
The Guinness Book of World Records says the largest litter of puppies is
23.
Bob Barker
Tony Hill writes, "Bob Barker has spent four decades as a game show host
(`Truth or Consequences,' `The Price Is Right'), but has gained
notoriety of late due to sexual harassment allegations by a former
game show model."
David Brenner
Tony Hill explains, "David Brenner is a comic and was a frequent guest
host for Johnny Carson in the late 70s. He once had a bit with dog-
like mannerisms. His career waned when he tried to launch a late-
night talk show against Carson."
Rory Calhoun
John Chaneski writes, "Rory Calhoun is (was? He's either still alive or
died in the past 6 or 7 years) a movie actor. He was in about 60
films in my Cinemania, including `How to Marry a Millionaire'
(1953), `Night of the Lepus' (1972), `The Main Event' (1979),
`Angel' (1984) and its sequel `Avenging Angel' (1985, natch), and
the schlock horror classic `Motel Hell' (1980). I remember him as a
tall, gangly galoot. Kind of an older Sam Elliot." Tony Hill adds
that he started in "The Red Horse" (1947).
Quotes and Scene Summary
[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Frederic Briere.]
Bart watches TV alone.
Kent: Welcome to the six o'clock news in our brand new studio. Lookin'
good, Springfield!
[he waves to the people out the large window behind him]
In today's news, a two-ton rhino escaped from the Springfield Zoo,
but zoo officials were quick to act, and Petunia, as she is known,
is safely back in captivity.
[a large rhino gores people outside the window]
In other news, a three-ton rhino that escaped from the zoo last
week is still at large.
-- America's violentest home videos, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
Marge walks in angrily.
Marge: All right, who broke my vase?
Lisa: Who took all my test papers off the refrigerator and tore them
up?
Homer: Who spread garbage all over Flanders' yard before I got a chance
to?
Bart: Oh, please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual
social commentary.
[SLH runs in, destroying a pillow, then runs out]
Lisa: If it wasn't you, then who was it?
[SLH chases Snowball II in, a knife in his jaws]
Marge: Well, I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now, did
they?
Homer: [worried] Did they?
[SLH runs in, shreds Homer's shirt]
Hmm. I guess Bart's not to blame. Which is lucky, too, because
it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!
-- No duck or wabbit season 'round Springfield, "Two Dozen & One
Greyhounds"
Bart and Lisa take SLH outside. "I don't know why you're so energetic
today, boy," says Bart, tossing a ball into the air, "but prepare to be
worn out!" He and Lisa stand about ten feet apart and toss a ball back
and forth. SLH chases it eagerly. "What's wrong, boy, getting tired?"
taunts Lisa, and both she and her brother laugh. Later, SLH chases it
just as eagerly, while Bart and Lisa seem to be tiring out. That night,
the two lie on the ground, almost asleep, rolling the ball back and
forth between them. SLH continues to chase it unabated.
The next day at breakfast, Bart and Lisa look tired.
Marge: I think there's really something wrong with Santa's Little
Helper. He was up barking all night, and dug up the back
yard worse than ever.
[they all look out the window at the dug-up back yard]
Lisa: [gasps] My bongo drums!
Bart: [gasps] My strobelight!
Homer: [gasps] My "Best of Ray Stevens featuring `The Streak'"
album! So it was the _dog_ that buried all our stuff.
Marge: Yes, the dog.
[outside, SLH's head pokes up from a hole]
Homer: Oh my God! He's got the precious cable TV cable!
[SLH runs through the neighborhood tearing up the cable]
[at the Wiggums' house, the parents watch "Kent's Kitchen"]
Kent: Always use fresh macaroni. If the box rattles, throw it
away.
[the picture goes off]
Wiggum: Aw!
Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please, do not
panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones.
Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation
have left your genitals withered and useless.
Wiggum: [checking under the covers] Well I'll be damned.
-- TV, bastion of truth, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
The family go to the Springfield Pet Shop ("Where All Our Pets Are
Flushable").
Marge: Excuse me, we're having a problem with our dog.
Clerk: Lady, I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone else: I'm sorry if
your dog went blind, but your gripe is with Hartz Mountain, not
with me.
Marge: No, no! Our dog is out of control: he's wild, destructive, and
has little or no respect for authority.
Clerk: Hmm...let me try a canine-human mind meld. It's an incredibly
rare psychic power possessed only by me and three other clerks at
this store.
[puts his hands on SLH's face]
OK...bruff! Bruff! Bruff! [groans] I'm bored...I'm restless.
Need change in life...ruff!...like imported leather leash,
ruff!...Er, blue contact lenses, ruff!...200-volt shock training
collar --
[later, in a car full of canine accessories]
Homer: Well, problem solved. [dusts his hands together]
Marge: Homer! Hold on to the wheel.
Homer: You got it. [does so]
-- The wonders of modern pet psychiatry, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
SLH looks wistfully out the window, then morphs a la T2 out it onto the
road. Bart cries out after him, and Homer reassures his son.
Bart: Hey!
Homer: Don't worry: we'll catch him, or run him over trying!
Bart: Look! He's headed back to the greyhound racing track where we
found him.
Homer: Don't worry, as soon as they find out he doesn't have any money,
they'll throw him out. Believe me, I know.
-- A tight little ball of rage, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
At the Springfield Dog Track ("Think of Them as Little Horses"), the
family look around for their dog.
Marge: Ooh, this place is so big. Do you think we should split up and
look for him, Homey? Homey?
Homer: [at a ticket booth] Two bucks to win on number eight. [sees
Marge looking at him] [plaintive] And have you seen my beloved
dog? [laughs painfully] Gimme the ticket.
-- Homer succumbs to Gamblor, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
In the stands, the family are seated to watch the race.
Homer: We can't lose! Look at the name of the dog I bet on.
Marge: "She's The Fastest"...Homer, I don't think that means
necessarily --
Announcer: And they're off! She's The Fastest jumps out to an
insurmountable lead.
Homer: You're lucky you got looks, Marge.
Announcer: As they round the far turn, it's She's The Fastest, followed
by Always Comes in Second and I'm Number Three.
Homer: Yes! Come on, you little horse!
Announcer: And they're in the home stretch. It's -- wait! Another dog
is on the track.
Bart: It's Santa's Little Helper.
Announcer: The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside. Of course,
he could never win this race...or could he?
[SLH chases the lead dog]
Lisa: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?
Marge: Uh oh...
Bart: It looks he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite
make it. Come on, boy, you can do it!
[Marge covers the children's eyes]
-- The birds having sex with the bees, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
The announcer mourns.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end: the end of dog racing.
Everyone: Boo!
Marge: I think they're in love.
Everyone: Aw...
[the dogs lie contentedly on the track]
Homer: Aw, so _that's_ what's been wrong with the little fellow: he
misses casual sex.
Lisa: Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom?
Bart: Please?
Marge: But she's not our dog.
Texan: She's yours now. Once they fall in love, they lose their
racing spirit.
Marge: Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?
Texan: [guffaws heartily] Lady, you're all right.
-- I don't get it, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
[SLH paws at the front door]
Marge: OK, you can go out and play, but no more you-know-what in front
of the house, all right?
[the dogs run out]
Hey! What'd I just say?
-- Time for obedience school once again, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
The two dogs go for a stroll. The butcher puts a steak out on a plate
for them, as does the video store clerk and an older woman in the park
who pulls a steak from her purse. They even get their photo taken with
their heads poking through a cardboard cutout of the "Dogs Playing
Poker" picture. On their way to Luigi's restaurant, they spy a wrinkled
dog and laugh to themselves. The generous chef puts a plate of
spaghetti and meatballs in front of them, saying "Take it: it fell on
the floor." The two start slurping up the same strand of spaghetti, and
when their lips meet, they snarl at one another and fight over the
strand.
At the Simpson dinner, the dogs lie on the floor in the kitchen.
Bart: Hey, boy, you want to play fetch?
[SLH looks up, tired, then puts his head back down]
Aw. Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never
wants to play any more since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart, don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well, that's what she is. I looked it up.
Marge: Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that
checked. Feels like a mistake to me...
-- Marge "Tipper Gore" Simpson, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
"Hey, look!" observes Bart, "a really small dog just fell out of Santa's
girlfriend." Marge gasps, "Oh my God! She's having babies. Oh, I'm
sorry, girl, I thought you were just getting fat." Lisa exclaims,
"Look! It's twins." Homer adds, "No, it's two sets of twins!" Bart
continues, "Two sets of twins and a triplet!" Marge exhorts Homer to
find places for all these little miracles. They put them in a baseball
hat and glove, in a shoe, in a barbecuing apron, in the coffee, tea, and
sugar containers, and in Marge's hair.
"Oh, my, I've never seen anything like this!" says Marge. Lisa wonders
how many more there can be. The family counts 22, 23, 24, as the clock
spins ahead by hours and the family continue to look on. The final
tally? 25. The last one goes in an oven mitt on the refrigerator, which
slides down to the floor under the weight of the adorable miracle.
[End of Act One. Time: 8:01]
{The puppies sit, assembled on the kitchen floor.}
Lisa: {Wow, 25 puppies!}
[Snowball II rubs her eyes, whimpers, and bats a ball of catnip
aside]}
Bart: {An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again.
[walks to front door; Jimbo threatens Milhouse]
Hey, jerkface! You have the face of a jerk.}
Jimbo: {[running over] All right, Simpson, you asked for it --}
Bart: {Get 'im, boys!
[the puppies stumble and whimper towards Jimbo]
Heh. Say, er, Jimbo, heh, hope I wasn't out of line with that
"jerkface" crack, heh.
[Jimbo pounds him]}
-- Would you believe..., "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
The humans and puppies eat dinner at the same time. The puppies all
have personalized bowls, from "Rex" and "Fido" all the way down to
"Prince" and "The puppy formerly known as Prince".
Marge: Oh, Homey, aren't they adorable?
Homer: Yes. We've waited many years, but the good Lord has finally
blessed us with a real family.
[Bart, Lisa, and Maggie glower at Homer]
-- Meal time for people and puppies alike, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
The family and the puppies all watch TV. A woman in a bikini suns
herself on a boat, and one of the puppies gets up on its hind legs and
paws at the screen. Marge chuckles, "Look at Branford II! Isn't that
cute? He thinks he's one of the Models, Inc.!" The family join in
their laughter. Snowball II, listless, tries the same stunt as Branford
II, only to be rebuked angrily by Homer: "Get that cat out of the way!"
The next morning, Bart puts on some clean socks, only to have them
attacked and shredded while they're on his feet. He goes to the top
drawer to get some more, but it's full of puppies who tear and shred
with equal vigor. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Marge attaches a collar to
Lisa.
Lisa: Mom, why do _I_ have to wear a flea collar?
Marge: Oh, it's just easier this way.
-- The simple way out, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
Homer opens a bag of chips in front of the TV, but each time he pulls
one out of the bag, a puppy jumps up and snatches it from his hand,
eliciting a "D'oh!" every time. Marge walks into the kitchen later.
Marge: Yeesh, this house stinks! You're not just putting the new
newspapers over the old ones, are you?
Homer: Do you have a better idea?
-- Well yes, actually, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
Marge breaks some bad news to the kids.
Marge: Now, I know we love the puppies very much, but I think
they're getting to be a problem.
Bart: Yeah, they ate all my socks. I have to wear Lisa's to school
today. [Bart's socks are pink]
Homer: How do you explain the coulottes, boy?
Bart: [wearing a pink skirt] Well, I have to coordinate, don't I?
Homer: Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies
away.
Bart+Lisa: No!
Homer: Mainly your mother.
Lisa: Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an
inconvenience, we just get rid of them?
[camera pans rapidly to the Springfield Retirement Castle]
Abe: [picking up phone] Hello? Is anybody there? Aw...[hangs up]
-- Lisa, rhetoric queen, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
Marge: All right, we'll give the dogs one more chance. As long as
the puppies don't do anything else wrong, they stay. Hmm. On
a completely unrelated topic, I'm having a very, very
important dinner party tonight.
Homer: Splendid! Who's coming?
Marge: Reverend Lovejoy, your old army drill sergeant, and the
regional director of the IRS.
[that night]
Lovejoy: Oh, just lovely, Marge. The whole town will hear what a
perfect evening this was -- how nothing at all went wrong.
Sergeant: Simpson! This evening has gone so flawlessly, I'm going to
forget that you were mistakenly let out of the army a month
early.
Auditor: And I'm so impressed by this problem-free evening that there's
no need for that audit.
Togther: A toast...to the Simpsons!
Sergeant: And to that delectable turkey...that's walking around the
table?!
Lovejoy: Dear Lord, it's a demon-bird!
[the turkey breaks open; two puppies wrestle inside]
[the guests retch into their napkins and leave]
Sergeant: Simpson! See you at reveille, 0500 tomorrow.
Auditor: See you at the IRS!
Lovejoy: See you in hell! [slams door, then pops head back in] From
heaven. [slams door]
-- The dinner goes horribly awry, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
Homer hammers a sign into the ground in the front yard: "Puppies for
free (or best offer)".
Ned: Well, we sure could use a pooch to guard the flock at the
Flanderosa.
Skinner: It'd be nice to have some companionship when mother goes out on
dates.
Abe: We could use a new pet over at the home seeing as how we
accidentally killed that smart-mouth bird.
-- At the puppy giveaway, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
The remaining puppies howl upon seeing some of their litter being taken
away.
Lisa: They don't like being broken up.
Marge: We've got to be realistic, kids. Who's going to have a big
enough heart to take care of 25 puppies?
Burns: [chuckling] And I know the little fellows will love romping
around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my
many toilets...
Homer: Who wouldn't?
Lisa: [whispering] Mom, don't give the puppies to him, he'll be mean
to them.
Marge: Hmm...she's right, Homer. There's something about his face I
don't trust.
[Burns laughs evilly to himself]
Homer: Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but...you can't have these dogs.
[cringes] Am I fired?
Burns: Hmm? Oh, of course not. They're your pets, you can do as you
wish. Good day, everyone.
[he starts to walk off with Smithers]
Marge: My, he certainly took that well.
Homer: A little too well, if you ask me. I'm sure he's plotting some
brilliant scheme to get those puppies.
[Burns piles them into a sack while the family's backs are
turned]
Burns: There you go...there you go...you go, too.
Smithers: Honestly, Sir, you just don't put the effort into your schemes
that you used to.
-- Burns, lazy in his old age, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
[End of Act Two. Time: 13:30]
The police are called in to look for the missing dogs. Lou eats a donut
while Chief Wiggum looks half-heartedly around the kitchen.
Wiggum: Don't worry, folks, we'll find your wallet.
Marge: Dogs! Chief, you're getting powdered sugar all over my floor.
Wiggum: No I'm not, no I'm not. I'm, um, dusting for prints.
Marge: Oh.
-- Advances in police science, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
Bart and Lisa decide to use the puppies' parents as trackers. The two
dogs run off, only to drag Bart and Lisa back when Marge puts out food
for them and calls, "Dinner time, dogs!" Chief Wiggum is apologetic:
"I'm sorry, kids, I don't think we're ever going to find your
greyhounds. Maybe Mr. Burns will sell you one of the 25 he got last
night."
Bart and Lisa sneak off to the Burns Manor that night as the thunder
roars. They hear yapping from an upper-floor window, and Lisa shudders,
"Who knows what horrible things he's doing to those innocent little
puppies?" They climb a trellis and peek in a window to see Monty
bathing them all and laughing. "Ah, there. Now wasn't that heavenly?
And don't you feel better too?" Lisa expresses surprise.
[Burns takes the puppies out of a bath]
Burns: There you are...there you go, little fellow...and you.
[one of the puppies stands on its hind legs]
[gasps] Smithers, look: he's standing up. I've never seen
anything so adorable! Do you know who it reminds me of?
Smithers: Benji?
Burns: No.
Smithers: Lassie?
Burns: No, no, no, a person. You know who I mean.
Smithers: Snoop Doggy Dogg? Bob Barker? David Brenner?
Burns: No, no! The person who's always standing and walking.
Smithers: Rory Calhoun?
Burns: That's it!
-- Twenty Questions, Monty style, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
Monty picks up the obedient dog: "You stay with me; you're the pick of
the litter." Lisa reconsiders her position: "Maybe we were wrong about
Burns on this one." The two children shuffle along to the next window
and watch.
Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, Sir? You _do_
have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Burns: Yes...but not completely full. For you see...
[singing] Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for is an outfit that looks good.
[to the tune of "Be Our Guest"]
See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better than authentic Irish
Setter.
See this hat? 'Twas my cat. My evening wear? Vampire bat.
These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear; turtles' necks, I've got my share.
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest;
Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest, see my vest!
[with hat and cane]
Like my loafers? Former gophers! It was that or skin my
chauffers,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best.
So let's prepare these dogs --
Woman: Kill two for matching clogs!
Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please, won't you see my vest?
[spoken] I really like the vest.
Smithers: I gathered, yeah.
-- Disney, schmisney, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
Lisa is aghast.
Lisa: He's going to make a tuxedo out of our puppies!
[Bart hums "See my vest"]
Bart!
Bart: Sorry. You gotta admit, it's catchy.
-- Alan Mencken's greatest reward, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
"Come on, Smithers, let's go finish the little flea circuses off,"
sneers Monty, exiting the room with his obsequious sidekick, "except for
little Monty, of course." Bart sweats, "We gotta get the dogs out of
there!" and opens the window. The puppies bark happily at him. "Shh!
Hush, puppies!" he whispers. "We gotta get you out of here," worries
Lisa as she and Bart run to the door and look through. Burns loads and
cocks a handgun in the next room.
Bart: I know, the window.
Lisa: No, Bart! What are you doing?
Bart: Dogs always land on their feet.
Lisa: That's cats.
Bart: No, it's dogs. I'll prove it.
[drops a dog from six inches; it lands on its back]
Best two out of three.
-- The children try to rescue the hounds, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
The doorhandle slowly turns. Lisa spies a laundry chute, and Bart tries
to encourage the puppies to go down it, but they won't. Lisa gets an
idea: she removes Bart's shoes and tosses his socks down the chute. The
puppies follow faithfully just as Burns walks in. "Sorry, Monty, but
you're too big for this ride," taunts Bart, following Lisa down the
chute.
Lisa: Quick! Let's get the --
Burns: Going somewhere?
Bart: That's impossible. How did you get here first?
Burns: Oh, there'll be plenty of time for explanations later. Right
now, I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours. You stole them from us!
Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
[Lisa dials 911]
Give me that!
-- Threats taken literally, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
"Now if you'll excuse us, children," continues Burns, "the pups have a
date with a fashion knife." Bart resourcefully grabs Burns' puppy from
his arms and puts it with the rest. "There. Now you don't know which
one's little Monty. If you don't want him to be part of your tuxedo,
you'll have to let the other dogs go too." Burns sees through this one:
"Come on, little Monty, stand up. Stand up! Do your trick." The
children beg him not to, to no avail. "Excellent," grins the sinister
C. M. Burns.
Bart looks around frantically, and spying some underwear and socks
hanging on a clothesline, gets an idea. He wheels them over the dogs
heads as Burns says, "Now it's simply a matter of bending down and
picking up the one and only --" The dogs, true to form, stand up and
reach for the socks. "This can't be happening! They're all standing.
I can't tell them apart." He sighs heavily. "All right, you win: I'll
have to kill them all." Bart and Lisa protest.
Burns: But they're so wretchedly adorable. 25 little Rory
Calhouns...I can't do it. But I can kill you.
[Lisa whimpers like a puppy]
No, I can't kill you either. Look at you, standing there on
your hind legs like a couple of Rory Calhouns.
[Lisa and Bart sigh]
Lisa: Well, Mr. Burns, I hope you've realized the folly of killing
innocent animals for fashion.
Burns: [repentant] Oh, I have, I have! I swear I will never wear
any clothing made from an animal. [to himself] That can do
an amusing trick.
[a long time later]
Announcer: Another victory for Montgomery Burns' champion greyhounds. 25
dogs, 25 world champions which so far have earned their owner
over ten million dollars. I'll bet whoever gave him those
dogs is kicking themselves now.
[Marge walks down to the basement and sees Homer's shadow
dangling]
Marge: Homer! For the love of God, no!
Homer: [grunts] Marge, you know that batting this lightbulb is the
only thing that cheers me up after giving away those million-
dollar greyhounds.
-- Homer releases his aggression, "Two Dozen & One Greyhounds"
Homer bats the bulb a couple more times; it breaks on his head, plunging
the room into darkness. Homer falls heavily to the floor.
[End of Act Three. Time: 20:59]
Contributors
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{bwd} Benjamin Dreyfus
{sg} Sean Gaffney
{dh} Dave Hall
{th} Tony Hill
{djk} Dave Kathman
{smk} Steve Kovar
{mk} Matthew Kurth
{wp} Werner Peeters
{wv} Will Vaughan
{av} Aaron Varhola
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry. Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)