[2F06] Homer Bad Man
Homer Bad Man Written by Greg Daniels
Directed by Jeff Lynch
===============================================================================
Production code: 2F06 Original airdate in N.A.: 27-Nov-94
Capsule revision F, 21-Jul-96
Title sequence
Blackboard :- I will not whittle hall passes out of soap.
I will not whittle hall passes out of s/ at cutoff.
Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.
Couch :- Everyone chases the couch as it and the back wall move
backward down a long perspective tunnel.
Did you notice...
Dave Hall:
... Maggie gets closer to hear Homer, too?
... Homer doesn't eat the candy bars in his flashback?
... Marge wears gloves to wash dishes?
... Homer shoves a whole pail of ice cream into Marge's coat?
... Homer dumps the bowl of wax lips down the front of his pants?
... the Candy Convention has armed security guards?
... Homer smashes the glass case with his bare fist?
... Maggie doesn't eat the candy, but plays with it?
... Marge doesn't eat any candy?
... Lisa plays a seahorse saxophone in "Under the Sea"?
... the family have bare feet in "Under the Sea"?
... Marge covers Maggie's eyes?
... Marge's hair brushes against the top of the bedroom door?
... Marge can tell at a glance the number of stars on a US flag?
Don Del Grande:
... the cereal box looks like it says "Lucky Charms" in outline?
... Apu is a little more lenient with Homer than when he threw him
out for reading the magazines without buying in "Marge on the
Lam"?
... Homer says "I feel like a kid in some kind of a store", rather
than "candy store", at the convention?
... there's an ice cream booth at the Candy Convention?
... the Jolly Gummibears sign says "They hibernate in your colon"?
... during "Homer S: Portrait of an Ass Grabber", there is an opaque
FOX logo on Homer's screen?
Aaron Varhola:
... the "Nuts and Gum" booth at the candy convention?
Tony Hill:
... Homer collects his Gummi as a ball?
... the salesman says "Gummi" four times?
... Bart and Lisa eat the candy despite gastric discomfort to
prevent the candy from being given to the needy?
Matthew Kurth:
... "all of Homer's Skill" is limited to punching the security
glass?
... the Buzz Cola machine has both regular and diet versions
available?
... the "Rock Bottom" logo in the bottom corner of the TV screen
during the show?
... the video scan lines, distortion, and white noise on the freeze-
frame of Homer at the end of the Rock Bottom segment?
... the pair of Homer's underwear hanging from the bedroom TV
antenna?
Voice credits
- Starring
- Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Rock Bottom interviewer, Fox announcer,
Barney, man bidding on Homer dirt, Chespirito, Abe, Willy, Quimby)
- Julie Kavner (Marge)
- Nancy Cartwright (Bart, woman playing Ashley)
- Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
- Hank Azaria (Apu, Frink, wax lips man, security man at convention,
man swatted away by Ben, Moe, comedian at the Improv, kid at TV
station, man on bicycle)
- Harry Shearer (candy convention PA man, gummi man, Smithers,
Godfrey Jones, sorghum farmer, "Simpson scandal update" anchor,
Ben announcer, Kent Brockman, man bidding on Homer dirt,
Letterman)
- Special Guest Voice
- Dennis Franz (himself, portraying Homer)
- Also Starring
- Pamela Hayden (Sally Jesse Raphael)
- Tress MacNeille (woman at protest)
- Maggie Roswell (Ashley, woman on Sally, women on Ben)
Movie (and other) references
+ "Time Bandits" {nh}
- couch scene looks very much like scene at beginning of movie where
the time portal is discovered
+ "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" {ddg}
- PA announcer at candy convention
+ "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" {ddg}
- winning tickets are hidden in chocolate bars (Vecura Salt opens
many of them in the book {mk})
+ "Demolition Man"
- Homer throwing grenade, running away in slow motion has same
camera angle
+ "Scooby Doo" cartoon {rc}
- woman who says "That's the oldest excuse in the book!" looks
exactly like Velma: short, orange sweater, brown skirt, glasses
+ TV show "Hard Copy"
- "Rock Bottom" a parody of it, including music and titles
+ Sally Jesse Raphael (talk show) {mk}
- woman in glasses is supposed to be her
+ 60s TV show "Gentle Ben"
- host of "Ben" talk show had the same name, was also a bear
+ OJ Simpson coverage
- helicopter used to view the house
- Brockman calls it "The Simpson Estate" (same name as OJ Simpson's
place)
+ Disney's "The Little Mermaid" {mk}
- lobster = Sebastian
- Marge playing a jellyfish
- Bart playing clams
- Lisa playing a pipefish
- Maggie riding a bull-nosed ray
- dancing slugs
- seahorses popping up & swimming around Homer
Previous episode references
- [8F02] Simpson kids gorge themselves on candy {av}
- [9F01], [1F11] Homer's bear-foot slippers are shown {dh}
- [1F12] Nuts and Gum are seen together {av}
Freeze frame fun
- Sign: {mk}
COMMUNITY CENTER
Welcome
Candy Convention
Room 1!
Also
Candy-Shaped
Rat Poison
Convention
Room 11
- Banner at candy convention: {mk}
WELCOME
CANDY CONVENTIONERS
Free Samples
- Signs at the convention: {mk}
- CHOCOLATE
- CASTLE
CRUNCH
- CANDY CANES
- NUTS
and
GUM
- FREE
HARD CANDY
- WAX LIPS
Candy Of 1000 Uses
- J O L L Y
G U M M I B E A R S
"They Hibernate In Your Colon"
- SUPER SOUR BALL
- Some protest signs:
- Homer Bad Man {dh}
- Hands Off {dh}
- Homer is a pig {dh}
- You pinch, we lynch {dh}
- Touch a butt: Go to jail {dh}
- Thou shalt not grab
- Stop Homer {ddg}
- Stop harassment now {ddg}
- You made a big mistake {mk}
- End sexism {mk}
- "Rock Bottom" corrections list: [many contributors - ed]
- "Peoples' Choice Awards" _is_ America's greatest honor.
- Styrofoam is not made from kittens.
- The UFO was a paper plate.
- The nerds on the Internet are not geeks.
- The word "cheese" is not funny in and of itself.
- The older Flanders boy is Todd, not Rod.
- Lyndon Johnson did not provide the voice of Yosemite Sam.
- If you are reading this, you have no life.
- Roy Rogers was not buried in his horse.
- The other UFO was an upside down salad spinner.
- Our universities are not "hotbeds" of anything.
- Mr. Dershowitz did not literally have four eyes.
- Our viewers are not pathetic sexless food tubes.
- Audrey Hepburn never weighed 400 pounds.
- The "Cheers" gang is not a real gang.
- Salt water does not chase the thirsties away.
- Licking an electrical outlet will not turn you into a Mighty
Morphin Power Ranger.
- Cats do not eventually turn into dogs.
- Bullets do not bounce off of fat guys.
- Recycling does not deplete the ozone.
- Everything is 10% fruit juice.
- The flesh eating virus does not hide in ice cream.
- Janet Reno is evil.
- V8 juice is not 1/8 gasoline.
- Ted Koppel is a robot.
- Women aren't from Venus and men aren't form Mars.
- Fleiss does floss.
- Quayle is familiar with common bathroom procedures.
- Bart is bad to the bone.
- Godfry Jones' wife is cheating on him.
- The Beatles haven't reunited to enter kick boxing competitions.
- The "Bug" on your TV screen can see into your home.
- Everyone on TV is better than you.
- The people who are writing this have no life.
Animation, continuity, and other goofs
Maggie's high chair is the wrong scale. {dh}
Maggie briefly disappears from the kitchen scene. {dh}
The glasses on the kitchen table are empty in some scenes. {dh}
Watch the backgrounds in the first scene. When Bart and Lisa listen to
Homer, the microwave, spoon rack, coffeemaker, and dish rack are behind
and to the left of them. When Homer is talking, however, the items are
right _behind_ him.
Marge didn't bring her purse to the trade show, so she couldn't have
pulled that celery stick out of it. {dh}
When Marge's pocket explodes, the pile of candy that falls out of it
disappears. {ddg}
How did Marge run out with all that candy? {ddg}
The Pop Rox packet disappears from the top of the pop can when Homer
throws it.
Marge's position in the front room changes after the kids fall out of
her coat. {dh}
Maggie's position jumps all over the front room in some scenes. {dh}
Ashley doesn't have her purse in several car scenes. {dh}
Ending shot of Homer's Under the Sea fantasy shows the family wearing
shoes. {dh}
The family are in the TV room before "Under the Sea", but are in the
front room afterwards. {dh}
There exists a Channel 3 News Van, yet Channel 3 is the public access
station. {ddg}
When Homer is being taped for "Rock Bottom", the clock says 5:01; when
the film is shown, the clock goes back and forth between 1:55 and 2:45
(which also means Homer talked for at least 50 minutes). {ddg}
There are too many trees around the house in the helicopter shoot. See
other episodes. {dh}
The infrared view of the house is slightly incorrect. {dh}
Homer's hand is at an impossible angle while he stirs his home-made
Prozac. {dh}
The flag behind Homer has 38 stars, not 49 as Marge said. {ddg}
The guy on the bicycle can't reach the doorbell, yet he rings it. {dh}
The front door should open to the right, not the left. See other
episodes. {dh}
Reviews
Peter Kretschman: Seriously, that was probably the best of the new
episodes I've seen. I can't remember laughing so hard at a Simpsons
show in quite some time. There were just too many great gags!
Jacob Stohler: As I sat watching last night's episode, I had the same
positive feeling I used to get back in the third, fourth and fifth
seasons. I heartily agree that "Homer: Bad Man" was the best this
season.
Don Del Grande: C-plus - a good episode, with a few laughs, but the
story just dragged along, and the "Willy with his video tape" ending
just made the show stop cold as if it had slammed into the side of
the house. I'll agree with one thing: the nerds on the Internet are
not geeks...
Nicole Hudson: All I have to say is "Gentle Ben." That killed me. I
thought I was going to die.
Carl Frank: Kudos to the Simpsons for addressing, with typical humor, a
current social issue. That being said, I wish it had been slightly
more cutting. The abuse piled against Homer never got too great;
the conclusion was too easy. Overall grade: B+
Bruce Schulman: A great episode! Better than any this season. I'll
stay tuned in for next week's edition of ROCK BOTTOM!
Aaron Varhola: The satire in this episode was overpoweringly good; the
"Rock Bottom" segments were funny because they were TRUE! The first
OJ ref as well, and most of the gags worked. However, the plot
development was choppy, and Greg Daniels should be made to write on
the blackboard "I will not use deus ex machina endings." B/B-.
Chris Courtois: Woo-hoo!!! That's more like it!!! This one gets an "A"
without any hesitation. This was the first episode since "Selma's
Choice" where I immediately rewound the tape at 9:00 just to catch
all the jokes that I missed because I was laughing so hard.
Tony Hill: This episode is worthy of some credit. It could have been a
lot better done. The episode had a disjointed feel to it. The
"Rock Bottom" sequences were the highlights. The O.J. references
were obviously inserted as afterthoughts. [...] I give it a C+.
Berrett Rice: This was a definite A+ show. It was as creative and
satirical as it has ever been. The rock bottom sequences were
hilarious, the story was amusing and it was chock full of classic,
intelligent humor.
Matthew Kurth: Proof positive that the show is once again headed in the
right direction. The "Under The Sea" bit was great, and Homer was
tolerable for a change. Not an instant classic, but a good, solid
episode. 8/10
Yours truly: Yay, a slam of "Hard Copy", my least-favorite show in
recent years! Loved "Gentle Ben" talk-show parody, OJ-style
coverage parody, and "Under the Sea" which joins "The Land of
Chocolate" as the funniest thirty seconds ever shown on TV. Sexual
harassment is timely subject matter, and it was well done. A
definite A+.
Comments and other observations
"Gentle Ben"
John Laviolette explains the joke about the talk show "Ben": "This is a
reference to `Gentle Ben,' a show set in the Everglades that aired
September 10, 1967, to August 31, 1969. I used to watch that show!
The stars were Dennis Weaver, Clint Howard (Ron's little brother,)
and other people who weren't famous. Also, a bear."
"Under the Sea"
Tony Hill writes, "This was an obvious parody of the Academy-award
winning best song of 1989, from `The Little Mermaid,' music by Alan
Menken, words by the late Howard Ashman. The Disney people
assuredly would not have given permission for Fox to use the song,
hence this takeoff. The irony is that the original song tells of
undersea fish being lucky to not get eaten, while Homer has other
plans in OFF's version."
The freeze-frame of Homer
Matthew Kurth explains, "Assuming Rock Bottom has industry standard
equipment, the videotape editor did a very poor job on Homer's
footage. Industrial VCRs and editing suites have full frame-by-
frame capabilities, which means that the editor held the interview
tape in between two frames, which is terribly easy to rectify, you
just nudge the frame advance control to the next full frame and you
have a clear picture. What you cannot eliminate without difficulty
on a static shot of still video is a slight up and down vibration
(which is why most frame captures are low-quality), an unnatural
sense of a lack of motion within the video frame (similar to looking
at certain computer-rendered graphics), and a pronouncement of
certain edges (which is due to the previous effect). The extent of
this effect varies with equipment age and quality, of course, but
suffice it to say that any good 4-head VCR you can buy at K-Mart can
get a better freeze-frame."
Quotes and Scene Summary
[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.]
Bart pours himself a bowl of a cereal resembling Lucky Charms.
Bart: Aw, damn FDA! Why can't it all be marshmallows?
Lisa: Ew! Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box.
They go in the trash!
-- Bart eats Lucky Charms, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer sees his children squabbling.
Homer: Ooh, you like sweets, kids? I know a place that's sweeter than
sweetness itself. In this sweet place, earthly donuts are sour
as poison -- you'd spit them out, you would! [pounds fist]
I'm talking about...[pulls out tickets] the Candy Industry Trade
Show! Hee hee.
Lisa: How did _you_ get tickets?
Homer: They hid them in every millionth Krusty Klump Bar and Krusty
Klump Bar with Almonds.
[flash to Homer opening all the wrappers at the Kwik-E-Mart]
Apu: Hey. Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my
merchandise. You leave me no choice but to...ask you nicely
again.
-- The perils of convenience store ownership, "Homer Bad Man"
Bart and Lisa beg Homer to let them go.
Bart: Can I come to the candy show, huh, huh? Can I, can I? Huh, huh,
huh? Can I? Can I?
Lisa: No, me! Take me, me, me, me, me, me! Take me, me!
Homer: Sorry, kids, but this is the one event I want my darling wife by
my side.
Marge: Oh, well thank you, Homer, but take one of the kids.
Homer: Marge, they can't carry enough candy! They have puny little
muscles, not big ropy ones like you.
Marge: Mmm...
Bart: You go, Mom, for the greater good.
Lisa: For the greater good.
-- Altruism in Springfield, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer has Marge dress in a grey trenchcoat which Bart and Lisa sew extra
pockets onto.
Marge: Homer, are all these pockets necessary?
Homer: They wouldn't be if you were willing to sit in a hollowed-out
wheelchair!
-- The parents prepare for Candy Convention departure, "Homer Bad Man"
[doorbell rings]
Marge: Oh, that's the babysitter. No one in town will sit for you two
any more. I had to choose between a grad student at the
university and a scary-looking hobo.
Bart: [going to answer door] Please the hobo, please the hobo, please
the hobo -- [opens it]
Ashley: Hi, I'm Ashley Grant.
Bart: [groaning] Oh...
-- No Bart, put it down, Bart, "Homer Bad Man"
Lisa recognizes her.
Lisa: [gasps] Ashley Grant! You gave a talk on women's issues at my
school on how we don't have to be second-class citizens.
Bart: [indignant] Mom! How can you leave us with this maniac?
Homer: Hurry, Marge! If we get there early we can get our pictures
taken with the two surviving Musketeers! [drags here]
Marge: There's also a baby somewhere upstairs -- ooh! [leaves]
-- No time to waste, "Homer Bad Man"
Bart: So...you're one of those "Don't call me a chick" chicks, huh?
Lisa: Ehh, sorry about my unenlightened brother. He _will_ make the
next few hours a living hell.
Ashley: Oh, I don't know. See this, Bart?
[dangles "Disembowler IV" video game cartridge]
Bart: "Disembowler IV": the game where condemned criminals dig at each
other with rusty hooks.
Ashley: Mm hmm. Do a little housework and you can play for five
minutes.
Bart: No way. [turns away, but has to turn back] Argh! Yes, 'm.
Ashley: See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame. They all follow their...
video cartridges.
[swings it towards wall, Bart follows and smashes his nose]
Bart: Ow.
-- The silicon and plastic 1990s carrot, "Homer Bad Man"
The Candy Convention takes place in Room 1 at the community center.
Homer and Marge walk straight in past the barricades, where club-
wielding policemen stand guard in front of a throng of children. Homer
giggles on his way in.
Man: [over PA] Mr. Goodbar to the front desk. The front desk is
looking for Mr. Goodbar.
Homer: Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.
-- Homer arrives at the Candy Convention, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer takes immediate advantage of all the free samples. "Brilliant...
exquisite...ooh, you'll do well...gimme those!" he says through a full
mouth, running from one exhibit to the next.
Dr. Frink introduces his latest invention.
Frink: As you can see, I have created a lemon ball so sour, it can only
be safely contained in a magnetic field. The candy, known as
77X42 is -- hey! [looks in case] Where the hell's the candy?
Homer: [face grossly contorted] I dunno...
-- "Homer Bad Man"
{Homer walks up to another booth.}
Man: {Hey, sir! Try our wax lips: the candy of 1000 uses.}
Homer: {[skeptical] Like what?}
Man: {One, a humorous substitute for your own lips.}
Homer: {Mm hmm, keep going.}
Man: {Two, er...ooh, I'm needed in the basement!}
-- Homer at the Wax Lips booth, "Homer Bad Man"
{The man walks back and forth, gradually disappearing from sight as he
walks down the "stairs". At the bottom, he peeps over the counter, sees
Homer still there, and ducks quickly. "Hmm," says Homer, emptying a
bowl of wax lips into his pants and walking away.}
Marge, her trenchcoat stuffed to overflowing, sits down on a bench and
pulls out a piece of celery. A security guard walks up and says, "All
right, you're going to have to put some sugar on that celery or get out,
ma'am."
The "Jolly Gummi Bears" display is a popular one.
Homer: Ooh, gummi bears! Gummi calves' heads...gummi jaw breakers!
[sees a gummi figure on a red pillow in a glass case, turning]
Homer: [lustily] Ohh...[walks up] What's that?
Man: [German accent] That is the rarest gummi of them all, the gummi
Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans who were exclusively in
the medium of gummi.
Marge: Will you two stop saying "gummi" so much?
-- Gummi jaw breakers?, "Homer Bad Man"
The gummi Venus de Milo winks.
Homer: Must have rare gummi...[to Marge] Distract the salesman.
Marge: No! I won't make a spectacle out of myself any further.
[her pocket bursts, spilling candy out]
[sheepish] Oh, oh. How'd they get there? [laughs]
[everyone helps her pick up]
Homer: Now, this is going to take all my skill...heh heh heh.
[smashes glass, takes Venus de Milo; an alarm sounds]
Man: Halt, halt!
Homer: Run, Marge! Save the booty!
-- The Candy Convention ends abruptly, "Homer Bad Man"
Everyone chases after Homer and Marge, who has trouble running with her
stuffed trenchcoat. Homer stops at the exit, kicks a Buzz Cola machine
to get a can of pop, rips the tab off with his teeth, rips open a packet
of Pop Rox, and puts the packet over the can and shakes it. "See you in
hell, candy boys!" he calls, lobbing it into the crowd. They all stop
to watch as Homer continues to run in slow motion, the glass of the
doors shattering behind him with the force of the fiery blast.
At home, Marge giggles as the children explore under her trenchcoat.
Bart: Hey Lis, I found a big caramel deposit at the small of her back!
Lisa: [under the coat] I'm coming!
[the coat bursts and deluges candy in a big pile]
[Bart and Lisa fall out, laughing and cheering]
Homer: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Where's my Gummi de Milo? OK,
don't panic, she can't have gotten far. She has no arms.
Marge: [exasperated] I'm sure it'll turn up! Take the babysitter home
now. She's been sitting in the car for twenty minutes.
Homer: Relax, Marge, there's plenty for her to do in there. [horn honks
outside] See? She's having the time of her life.
-- Bet she's flashing the headlights too, "Homer Bad Man"
On the way home, Homer tries his hand at conversation.
Homer: So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the
moon but you can't make my shoes smell good?
Ashley: I'm sorry?
Homer: Aw, nobody's blaming you. Hey: could you take the wheel for a
second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once.
Ashley: [repulsed] Just drop me off here.
[Homer stops the car; Ashley gets out]
Homer: [sees Venus de Milo on Ashley's pants] [gasps] Precious Venus...
[rips it off; Ashley looks back to see Homer drooling lustily]
Ashley: Aah! [slams door, runs off]
Homer: Thank you. [eats it]
-- Not too priceless to enjoy digesting, "Homer Bad Man"
The next day, Bart and Lisa walk downstairs slowly, holding their
stomachs and groaning.
Homer: Hey kids! Lots of candy left for breakfast.
[Bart and Lisa groan]
Marge: Why don't we give it to some needy children then?
[Bart and Lisa groan negatively, lie on candy, eat it slowly]
-- The morning after the candyfest, "Homer Bad Man"
Suddenly, a clamoring crowd appears outside.
Homer: Oh no! The candy conventioneers tracked us down.
[looks out window]
Ashley: [outside] There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed
me!
Homer: Whew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's
just the -- [realizes] D'oh!
-- Homer uses all the power of his brain, "Homer Bad Man"
[End of Act One. Time: 6:37]
The crowd outside the Simpson home chants.
Crowd: Two! Four! Six! Eight!
Homer's crime was very great!
[pause]
"Great" meaning "large" or "immense",
We use it in the pejorative sense!
Homer: Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am --
I can't even say the word "titmouse" without giggling like a
schoolgirl. [giggles]
Marge: Er, at any rate, I believe you and I think you should go outside
and straighten this out. Some of their chants are very catchy
and memorable.
-- Who can forget "pejorative"?, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer walks out, in his bathrobe, to confront them.
Ashley: You grabbed me in the car!
Homer: Oh, that. No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that
got stuck to your pants.
Woman: Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book.
[crowd boos, hisses]
Homer: C'mon! I'm a decent guy.
[window blows up his bathrobe, uncovering his shame]
[crows boos, hisses]
-- "Decent" not being the opposite of "indecent", "Homer Bad Man"
Homer runs back in the house just before being pelted by vegetables
thrown by the crowd.
Bart: Why would anybody want to touch a girl's butt? That's where
cooties come from!
Lisa: Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did?
Homer: Well, Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida of
that alligator biting that woman's bottom?
Bart: Oh, yeah, _that_ was _brilliant_!
Homer: That's right, we _all_ thought it was hilarious. But it turns
out we were wrong: that alligator was sexually harassing that
woman.
Bart: And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal, Dad?
Homer: Well, there's kind of a grey area.
-- Not in the nineties, there's not, "Homer Bad Man"
Lisa reassures him, "_We_ know you're innocent, Dad." Homer thanks his
children, but Marge observes that the protesters are building a shanty-
town of tents. They camp out over night, and the minute Homer drives
his car out of the garage, the protesters surround him, pounding the
metal. "Do your worst, protesters! You can't stop me from living my
life!" The protesters continue to dog him in the middle of the freeway,
one yelling "No respect for women -- no peace!"
At his work station, two protesters continue to rock Homer back and
forth.
[protesters surround Homer at work]
Man: Just try to push the right buttons now!
Woman: We ain't crazy about nuclear power either!
Smithers: [walking in] You people aren't allowed in here.
[everyone stops, quiet]
Homer: [sullen] It's OK, they're with me.
[Smithers walks out, everyone starts to yell again]
-- The Geneva protesters' convention, "Homer Bad Man"
In bed that night, Homer sighs, glad to be finally rid of them.
Homer: They're ruining my whole life. Marge, please, this is where I
need you the most: I'm counting on you do to something or say
something to make it all better. OK...go!
Marge: Homer --
Homer: [anxious] Uh huh?
Marge: -- I already talked to the indignation coordinator out on the
lawn today. I told her you were a decent man, but she wouldn't
listen. Besides standing by you and supporting you, there isn't
any more I can do.
Homer: You mean...I'm on my own? I've never been on my own! Oh no...on
own...on own! I need help...oh, God, help me. Help me, God!
[phone rings, Homer answers it very slowly]
Homer: [very slowly] Y'ello?
Man: Hello, Homer. This is God...frey Jones from the TV magazine show
"Rock Bottom".
-- Does the first syllable count?, "Homer Bad Man"
The scene switches to Jones at his desk.
Jones: We're aware of your problems, and, Mr. Simpson...we want to help.
Homer: Mmm. I saw that report you did on Sasquatch. It was fair and
even-handed. I'll do it!
-- "Rock Bottom"'s laurels, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer is interviewed on-camera by Godfrey Jones.
Homer: Ehh, someone had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she
was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Oh,
just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy...[moans lustfully] I
just wish I had another one right now. But the most important
thing is --
Jones: That was really great Mr. Simpson. We got everything we need.
Homer: OK. Say, can you introduce me to the Sasquatch? I like his
style.
-- The interview on "Rock Bottom", "Homer Bad Man"
Homer and the rest of his family watch the report that night on "Rock
Bottom".
Homer: Hee hee! Here comes the bouncing ball of justice!
Jones: Tonight on "Rock Bottom", we go undercover at a sex farm for sex
hookers.
Farmer: I keep telling you, I just grow sorghum here.
Man: Uh huh. And where are the hookers?
Farmer: [points] 'round back. [realizes] Whoops.
Jones: But first:
[photo of Ashley and her parents at graduation]
She was a university honor student who devoted her life to kids,
[slomo of Homer reaching for his car keys]
until the night a grossly-overweight pervert named Homer Simpson
gave her a crash course in depravity. "Babysitter and the
Beast"!
-- The "Rock Bottom" show, "Homer Bad Man"
"Aw, crap," laments Homer as the interview is shown.
Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was
sitting on [splice] her sweet [splice] can. [splice] -- o I grab
her -- [splice] sweet can. [splice] Oh, just thinking about
[splice] her [splice] can [splice] I just wish I had he --
[splice] sweet [splice] sweet [splice] s-s-sweet [splice] can.
Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have
to say in your defense?
Homer: [looking lustful in a clearly-paused VCR shot]
Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further.
[paused shot of Homer grows larger]
No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get
back! Mist -- Mr. Simpson -- nooo!
Man: [quickly] Dramatization -- may not have happened.
-- High-quality "Rock Bottom" journalism, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer: [fearfully] Marge? Kids? Everything's going to be just fine.
No go upstairs, and pack your bags...we're going to start a new
life...under the sea.
[calypso music starts]
[Homer dances with fish as Lisa plays a seahorse saxophone,
Marge a squid harp, and Bart the xylophone clams]
Homer: [eats a dancing fish, sings]
Under the sea, under the sea,
[eats a couple more fish]
There'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans
Under the sea!
[eats a line of seahorses, grabs an escaping one]
[eats a live crab as though it were a shrimp]
[eats a pair of dancing fish, then a snail who tries to escape]
[stands there with fish skeletons floating about]
Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: to move under the sea.
It's not going to happen!
Homer: Not with _that_ attitude!
-- The little Homer mermaid, "Homer Bad Man"
Marge: Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over.
[helicopters swoop over the house; news vans pull up]
Homer: It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothing _ever_ blows over for me.
[the car gets flipped by the wind from the helicopters]
-- They only blow over literally, "Homer Bad Man"
The next morning, Homer gets out of the shower to see helicopters
looking into his bathroom window. He panics and slips as cameras flash.
The picture appears on the news that night.
Newsman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent
which he believes gives him sexual powers.
Homer: Hey -- that's a half-truth!
{[changes channels to Sally Jesse Raphael]}
Woman: {[weeping] I don't know Homer Simpson, I -- I never met Homer
Simpson or had any contact with him, but -- [cries
uncontrollably] -- I'm sorry, I can't go on.}
Sally: {That's OK: your tears say more than real evidence _ever_
could.}
-- "Homer Bad Man"
Announcer: Today on "Ben": mothers and runaway daughters reunited by
their hatred of Homer Simpson. And here's your host, Gentle
Ben.
[a bear wearing a helmet with a microphone runs out]
Woman 1: I just have one thing to say: let's have less Homer Simpson
and more money for public schools.
[smattering of applause; Ben growls]
Woman 2: Ben, I have a question --
[Ben runs over to tables piled with food]
Man: No, Ben, no!
[Ben swats him away; men shoot tranquilizers into him]
-- Nightmare daytime talk shows, "Homer Bad Man"
Ben is about to collapse onto the crowd, but the screen goes blank just
in time. Homer changes the channels again.
Announcer: And now we return to "Fox Night at the Movies": "Homer S.:
Portrait of an Ass-Grabber", starring Dennis Franz.
Homer: Ooh, "portrait"! Sounds classy. [looks at family, who look
away] Doesn't it?
[on screen, Franz laughs as he drives through a line of
parking meters while the babysitter screams]
[a cat cleans itself in the middle of the road]
"Ashley": No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature.
"Homer": I don't care. [runs it over]
[crashes into some garbage bins]
"Homer": Now I'm going to grab me some _sweet_.
"Ashley": No, Mr. Simpson, that's sexual harassment. If you keep it
up, I'll yell so loud the whole country will hear
"Homer": [laughs] With a _man_ in the White house? [laughs] Not
likely! [laughs more]
-- Unbiased media coverage, as usual, "Homer Bad Man"
On another channel, Kent Brockman commentates from a helicopter.
Kent: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the
Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for
highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came
and when Marge Simpson put the cat out...possibly because it was
harassed, we don't know.
Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without
some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it
on.
[screen shows blue house, orange Simpsons watching TV]
Now, this technology is new to me, but...I'm pretty sure that's
Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. [closeup of turkey]
His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees -- he's
literally stewing in his own juices.
[in the studio] Now, here are some results from our phone-in
poll: 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of
course, this is just a television poll which is not legally
binding, unless proposition 304 passes. And we all pray it will.
-- Channel Six's coverage, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer mourns.
Homer: Oh...I don't have a friend in the world.
Moe: [outside] Let us through!
Barney: [outside] ...Homer's true friends!
Marge: Oh, _really_?
Moe: Come on, let us through, you vultures!
Homer: Oh, Marge, it's a miracle.
Moe: How can you judge this man without talking to the people who
know him best? _We_ got the real dirt on Homer Simpson, and the
bidding starts at ten G's!
Man 1: I bid ten G's!
Man 2: Ten-five G's!
-- Homer's true materialistic friends, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer closes the curtain dejectedly.
Homer: Aw, I need a hug.
[everyone pauses, then hugs him]
How come you guys hesitated?
Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we _do_ believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more
time raising us than you have.
Homer: Oh, maybe TV _is_ right. TV's _always_ right! [walks
upstairs]
[Bart and Lisa hug the TV]
[from upstairs] Are you hugging the TV?!
Bart+Lisa: No...[kiss it]
-- They just have their arms around it, "Homer Bad Man"
[End of Act Two. Time: 16:00]
Homer watches TV in the fetal position on his bed.
Letterman: And the number one reference that I am running into the
ground is..."Homer Simpson"!
[music starts, audience laughs]
[changes channel to Chespirito who gets his butt pinched]
Chespirito: Aie aie aie! Es Homer Simpson. Me ha molestado! Oh!
{[the flower he was smelling wilts]}
Homer: {Oh, I like it better when they're making fun of people who
_aren't_ me.} [gasps] I know, "Evening at the Improv".
They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s. [flips]
Comedian: See, I think about weird stuff. Like, what would happen if
E.T. and Mr. T had a baby? Heh, well, you'd get Mr. E.T.,
wouldn't you? And you know, I think he'd sound a little
something like this: "I pity the fool who doesn't phone
home." [audience laughs]
Homer: [laughs] Ooh, I wouldn't want to be Mr. T right now.
-- Relief from the Homer Simpson fiasco, "Homer Bad Man"
Marge rushes in.
Marge: Homer! Homer, the kids have a great idea how you can clear your
name.
Lisa: The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care
about the truth! All they care about is entertainment. Well,
_you_ need a forum where they don't even know the _meaning_ of
the word "entertainment": public access television.
Homer: Aw, but those shows all look so crummy.
Marge: Well we could dress it up a bit...we can bring a fern, and a
folding chair from the garage, and the most decorative thing of
all -- the truth!
[everyone looks at her]
-- Marge, interior decorator, "Homer Bad Man"
Inside a studio at Channel Three, Abe helps them decorate by hanging a
large U.S. flag behind Homer's podium.
Marge: There are only 49 stars on that flag.
Abe: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize
Missourah!
-- P.S. I am not a crackpot, "Homer Bad Man"
The camera rolls.
Lisa: And now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson.
[holds sign: "Innocence Report"]
Homer: Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you wags have dubbed
me, Father Goose. You know, everybody believed the worst about
me right away; nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I didn't!
OK, look: I've done some bad things in my life, but harassing
women is not one of them. [softly] Like one time, we were having
this race with the stupid old tiny bicycle with the big wheel in
front, so I figure, "We'll see about that!" So I get this big
chunk of cinderblock, and --
Marge: [makes choking noises]
Homer: Oh, gotta go. [walks off]
[pops head back on] Innocent!
-- Classy public access TV, "Homer Bad Man"
Lisa can't restrain herself.
Lisa: Dad, you did it! I am so proud of you.
Kid: The switchboards are lighting up!
Everyone: Yay!
Kid: Two calls: that's our best ever! [answers one] Hello? No,
Janice doesn't live here...[answers other] Hello? Yes, I _am_
interested in long-distance savings! _Very_ interested.
-- 1-800-PIN...aw, forget it, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer is despondent.
Homer: [stirring a bowl] Aw, Marge, this is so depressing, my only hope
is this homemade Prozac. [tastes it] Mmm, needs more ice cream.
-- Homer's appeal to the public fails, "Homer Bad Man"
The doorbell rings.
[Homer answers the door]
Man: [on pennyfarthing bicycle] So, er, you don't like the old-time
bikes, huh?
[kicks Homer in the face, rides off]
[doorbell rings again; Homer answers]
Willy: Homer! I _love_ amateur video, and your show is the most
amateur video I ever saw. My hobby is secretly videotaping
couples in cars. I dinna come forward because in this country,
it makes you look like a pervert -- but _every_ single Scottish
person does it!
[puts in videotape]
Quimby: [on TV] Oh baby, oh yeah, oh baby --
Willy: Aw, no, that's Mayor Quimby. [fast forwards] Ah, here we go.
Homer: [on TV] Precious Venus...[gargles]
Ashley: Aah! [slams door, runs off]
Homer: Thank you! [eats gummi Venus]
Lisa: Dad, this clears you completely!
Marge: You know, the courts might not work any more, but as long as
everybody is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.
-- A sad comment on American society, "Homer Bad Man"
Homer takes the tape to the women's dorm at Springfield University.
Lisa: See?
Ashley: Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter
said you were a decent man. I guess she was right.
Homer: You're _both_ right.
-- Homer's innocence, stored on video, "Homer Bad Man"
On "Rock Bottom", Godfrey Jones is apologetic.
Jones: In our mad pursuit of the scoop, we members of the press
sometimes...make mistakes. "Rock Bottom" would like to make
the following corrections.
[a list scrolls by very, very quickly]
Bart: Wow! V8 juice _isn't_ one-eighth gasoline.
Homer: And Ted Koppel _is_ a robot!
Lisa: There's you, Dad!
Everyone: Yay!
Jones: Tomorrow, on "Rock Bottom":
[slomo of Willy walking into Godfrey's office] he's a
foreigner who takes perverted videos of you when you least
expect it. He's "Rowdy Roddy Peeper"...
Homer: Oh, that man is _sick_!
Marge: Groundskeeper Willy saved you, Homer.
Homer: But listen to the music! He's evil!
Marge: Hasn't this experience taught you you can't believe everything
you hear?
Homer: Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.
[family walks off, disgruntled]
Homer: [hugs TV] Let's never fight again.
-- The lesson lost, "Homer Bad Man"
[End of Act Three. Time: 20:56]
Contributors
{rc} Ron Cross
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dh} Dave Hall
{mk} Matthew Kurth
{nh} Neil Hepburn
{ps} Peter Stamos
{av} Aaron Varhola
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry. Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)