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The shaking stopped. “Fine, fine, nothing wrong with me!” snapped Hamnpork. “Just a few twinges, nothing permanent!”
“Only I noticed you didn't go out with any of the squads,” said Peaches.
“There's nothing wrong with me!” shouted the old rat.
“We've still got some potatoes in the baggage—”
“I don't want any food ! There is nothing wrong with me!”
… which meant that there was. It was the reason he didn't want to share all the things he knew. What he knew was all he had left. Peaches knew what rats traditionally did to leaders who were too old. She'd watched Hamnpork's face when Darktan—younger, stronger Darktan—had been talking to his squads, and knew that Hamnpork was thinking about it, too. Oh, he was fine when people were watching him, but lately he'd been resting more, and skulking in corners.
Old rats were driven out, to lurk around by themselves and go rotten and funny in the head. Soon there would be another leader.
Peaches wished she could make him understand one of the Thoughts of Dangerous Beans, but the old rat didn't much like talking to females. He'd grown up thinking females weren't for talking to.
The Thought was:

It meant: We Are The Changelings. We Are Not Like Other Rats.
CHAPTER 4
The important thing about adventures, thought Mr. Bunnsy, was that they shouldn't be so long as to make you miss mealtimes.
The kid and the girl and Maurice were in a large kitchen. The kid could tell it was a kitchen because of the huge black iron range in the chimney breast and the pans hanging on the walls and the long scarred table. What it didn't seem to have was what a kitchen traditionally had, which was food.
The girl went to a metal box in the corner and fumbled round her neck for a string which, it turned out, held a large key. “You can't trust anybody,” she said. “And the rats steal a hundred times what they eat, the devils.”
“I don't think they do,” said the kid. “Ten times, at most.”
“You know all about rats all of a sudden?” said the girl, unlocking the metal case.
“Not all of a sudden, I learned it when—Ow! That really hurt!”
“Sorry about that,” said Maurice. “I accidentally scratched you, did I?” He tried to make a face which said Don't be a complete twerp, OK? which is quite hard to do with a cat's head.
The girl gave him a suspicious look, and then turned back to the metal box. “There's some milk that's not gone hard yet and a couple of fish-heads,” she said, peering inside.
“Sounds good to me,” said Maurice.
“What about your human?”
“Him? He'll eat any old scraps.”
“There's bread and sausage,” said the girl, taking a can from the metal cupboard. “We're all very suspicious about the sausages. There's a tiny bit of cheese, too, but it's rather ancestral.”
“I don't think we should eat your food if it's so short,” said the kid. “We have got money.”
“Oh, my father says it'd reflect very badly on the town if we weren't hospitable. He's the mayor, you know.”
“He's the government?” said the kid.
The girl stared at him. “I suppose so,” she said. “Funny way of putting it. The town council makes the laws, really. He just runs the place and argues with everyone. And he says we shouldn't have any more rations than other people, to show solidarity in these difficult times. It was bad enough that tourists stopped visiting our hot baths, but the rats have made it a lot worse.” She took a couple of saucers from the big kitchen dresser. “My father says that if we're all sensible there will be enough to go around,” she went on. “Which I think is very commendable. I entirely agree. But I think that once you've shown solidarity, you should be allowed just a little extra. In fact, I think we get a bit less than everyone else. Can you imagine? Anyway… so you really are a magical cat, then?” she finished, pouring the milk into a saucer. It oozed rather than gushed, but Maurice was a street cat and would drink milk so rotten that it would try to crawl away.
“Oh, yes, that's right, magical,” he said, with a yellow-white ring around his mouth. For two fish-heads he'd be anything for anybody.
“Probably belonged to a witch, I expect, with a name like Griselda or one of those names,” said the girl, putting the fish-heads on another saucer.
“Yeah, right, Griselda, right,” said Maurice, not raising his head.
“Who lived in a gingerbread cottage in the forest, probably.”
“Yeah, right,” said Maurice. And then, because he wouldn't be Maurice if he couldn't be a bit inventive, he added: “Only it was a crispbread cottage, 'cos she was slimming. Very healthy witch, Griselda.”
The girl looked puzzled for a moment. “That's not how it should go,” she said.
“Sorry, I tell a lie, it was gingerbread really,” said Maurice quickly. Someone giving you food was always correct.
“And she had big warts, I'm sure.”
“Miss,” said Maurice, trying to look sincere, “some of those warts had so much personality they used to have friends of their own. Er… what's your name, miss?”
“Promise not to laugh?”
“All right.” After all, there might be more fish-heads.
“It's… Malicia.”
“Oh.”
“Are you laughing?” she said, in a threatening voice.
“No,” said Maurice, mystified. “Why should I?”
“You don't think it's a funny name?”
Maurice thought about the names he knew—Hamnpork, Dangerous Beans, Darktan, Sardines… “Sounds like an ordinary kind of name to me,” he said.
Malicia gave him another suspicious look, but turned her attention to the kid, who was sitting with the usual happy, faraway smile he wore when he didn't have anything else to do. “And have you got a name?” she said. “You're not the third and youngest son of a king, are you? If your name starts ‘Prince’ that's a definite clue.”
The kid said, “I think it's Keith.”
“You never said you had a name!” said Maurice.
“No-one ever asked before,” said the kid.
“Keith is not a promising name-start,” said Malicia. “It doesn't hint of mystery. It just hints of Keith. Are you sure it's your real name?”
“It's just the one they gave me.”
“Ah, that's more like it. A slight hint of mystery,” said Malicia, suddenly looking interested. “Just enough to up suspense. You were stolen away at birth, I expect. You probably are the rightful king of some country, but they found someone who looked like you and did a swap. In that case, you'll have a magic sword, only it won't look magic, you see, until it's time for you to manifest your destiny. You were probably found on a doorstep.”
“I was, yes,” said Keith.
“See? I'm always right!”
Maurice was always on the lookout for what people wanted. And what Malicia wanted, he felt, was a gag. But he'd never heard the stupid-looking kid talk about himself before.
“What were you doing on a doorstep?” he said.
“I don't know. Gurgling, I expect,” said Keith.
“You never said,” said Maurice, accusingly.
“Is it important?” said Keith.
“There was a magic sword or a crown in the basket with you, probably. And you've got a mysterious tattoo or a strange-shaped birthmark, too,” said Malicia.
“I don't think so. No-one ever mentioned them,” said Keith. “There was just me and a blanket. And a note.”
“A note? But that's important!”
“It said ‘19 pints and a Strawberry Yoghurt’,” said Keith.
“Ah. Not helpful, then,” said Malicia. “Why nineteen pints of milk?”
“It was the Guild of Musicians,” said Keith. “Quite a large place. I don't know about the strawberry yoghurt.”
CHAPTER 10
And as night fell, Mr. Bunnsy remembered: there's something terrible in the Dark Wood.
Why am I doing this? Maurice asked himself, as he squirmed along a pipe. Cats are not built for this stuff!
Because we are a kind person at heart, said his conscience.
No, I'm not, thought Maurice.
Actually, that's true, said his conscience. But we don't want to tell that to Dangerous Beans, do we? The little wobbly nose? He thinks we're a hero!
Well, I'm not, thought Maurice.
Then why are we scrabbling around underground trying to find him?
Well, obviously it's because he's the one with the big dream about finding the rat island and without him the rats won't co-operate and I won't get paid, said Maurice.
We're a cat! What does a cat need money for?
Because I have a Retirement Plan, thought Maurice. I'm four years old already! Once I've made a pile, it's me for a nice home with a big fire and a nice old lady giving me cream every day. I've got it all worked out, every detail.
Why should she give us a home? We're smelly, we've got ragged ears, we've got something nasty and itchy on our leg, we look like someone kicked us in the face… why should an old lady take us in instead of a fluffy little kitten?
Aha! But black cats are lucky, thought Maurice.
Really? Well, we don't want to be first with the bad news, but we're not black! We're a sort of mucky tabby!
There's such a thing as dyes, thought Maurice. A couple of packets of black dye, hold my breath for a minute, and it's “hello, cream and fish” for the rest of my life. Good plan, eh?
And what about the luck? said the conscience.
Ah! That's the clever bit. A black cat that brings in a gold coin every month or so, wouldn't you say that's a lucky cat to have?
His conscience fell silent. Probably amazed at the cleverness of the plan, Maurice told himself.
He had to admit that he was cleverer at plans than at underground navigation. He wasn't exactly lost, because cats never got lost. He merely didn't know where everything else was. There wasn't a lot of earth under the town, that was certain. Cellars and grating and pipeways and ancient sewers and crypts and bits of forgotten buildings formed a sort of honeycomb. Even humans could get around, Maurice thought. The rat-catchers certainly had.
He could smell rats everywhere. He'd wondered about calling out to Dangerous Beans, but decided against it. Calling out might help him find out where the little rat was, but it'd also alert… anyone else to where Maurice was. Those big rats had been, well, big, and nasty-looking. Even an idiot dog would have trouble with them.
Now he was in a small square tunnel with lead pipes in it. There was even a hiss of escaping steam, and here and there warm water dipped into a gutter that ran along the bottom of the tunnel. Up ahead was a grating leading up to the street. Faint light came through it.
The water in the gutter looked clean. At least, you could see through it. Maurice was thirsty. He leaned down, tongue out—
There was a thin, bright red streak curling gently in the water…
Hamnpork seemed confused and half asleep but he knew enough to hold on to Sardines' tail as the rats made their way back from the stables. It was a slow journey. Sardines didn't think the old rat would manage the washing lines. They skulked along gutters, and along drains, hiding in nothing more than the cloak of night.
A few rats were milling around in the cellar when they finally arrived. By then Darktan and Sardines were walking on either side of Hamnpork, who was barely moving his legs.
There was still a candle burning in the cellar. Darktan was surprised. But a lot of things had happened in the last hour.
They let Hamnpork sink to the floor, where he lay, breathing heavily. His body shook with each breath.
“Poison, guv?” whispered Sardines.
“I think it was just too much for him,” said Darktan. “Just too much.”
Hamnpork opened one eye. “Am… I… still… the… leader?” he said.
“Yes, sir,” said Darktan.
“Need… to… sleep…”
Darktan looked around the circle. Rats were creeping towards the group. He could see them whispering to one another. They kept looking at him. He stared around, trying to spot the pale figure of Dangerous Beans.
“Nourishing… tells me… you saw the… tunnel… of the… Big Rat…” said Hamnpork.
Darktan glared at Nourishing, who looked embarrassed. “I saw… something,” he said.
“Then I shall dream there and… never wake up,” said Hamnpork. His head sagged again. “This isn't… the way a… an old rat should die,” he mumbled. “Not… like this. Not… in the light.”
Darktan nodded urgently at Sardines, who snuffed out the candle with his hat. The damp, thick underground darkness closed in.
“Darktan,” Hamnpork whispered. “You need to know this…”
Sardines strained his ears to hear the old leader's last words to Darktan. Then, a few seconds later, he shivered. He could smell the change in the world.
There was movement in the darkness. A match burst into life and the candle flame grew again, bringing shadows back into the world.
Hamnpork was lying very still.
“Do we have to eat him now?” said someone.
“He's… gone,” said Darktan. Somehow, the idea of eating Hamnpork didn't feel right. “Bury him,” he said. “And mark the place so we know he's there.”
There was a sense of relief in the group. However much anyone might have respected Hamnpork, he was still a bit on the whiffy side, even for a rat.
A rat at the front of the crowd looked uncertain. “Er… when you say ‘mark the place’,” it said, “do you mean like we mark other places where we bury things?”
“He means by widdling on it,” said the rat beside him.
Darktan looked at Sardines, who shrugged. Darktan had a sinking feeling inside. When you were the leader, everyone waited to see what you said. And there was still no sign of the white rat.
He was on his own.
He thought hard for a moment, and then nodded. “Yes,” he said at last. “He'd like that. It's very… ratty. But do this, too. Draw it on the ground above him.”
He scraped a sign on the ground:

“‘He was a rat from a long line of rats and he thought about rats’,” said Sardines. “Good one, boss.”
“And will he come back like Darktan did?” said someone else.
“If he does, he'll get really mad if we've eaten him,” said a voice. There was some nervous laughter.
“Listen, I didn't—” Darktan began, but Sardines nudged him.
“Word in your ear, guv?” he said, raising his charred hat politely.
“Yes, yes…” Darktan was getting worried. He'd never had so many rats watching him so closely. He followed Sardines away from the group.
“You know I used to hang around in the theatre an' that,” said Sardines. “And you pick up stuff in the theatre. And the thing is… look, what I'm saying is, you're the leader, right? So you got to act like you know what you're doing, OK? If the leader doesn't know what he's doing, no-one else does, either.”
“I only know what I'm doing when I'm dismantling traps,” said Darktan.
“All right, think of the future as a great big trap,” said Sardines. “With no cheese.”
“That is not a lot of help!”
“And you should let them think what they like about you and… that scar you've got,” said Sardines. “That's my advice, guv.”
“But I didn't die, Sardines!”
“Something happened, didn't it? You were going to set fire to the place. I watched you. Something happened to you in the trap. Don't ask me what it was, I just do tap-dancing. I'm just a little rat. Always will be, boss. But there's big rats like Inbrine and Sellby and a bunch of others, boss, and now Hamnpork's dead they might think they should be the leader. Get my drift?”
“Right again,” said the mayor. “That's how it works.” He put his hand down on the desk, palm up. “May I?” he said.
Darktan stepped aboard, and kept his balance as the mayor carried him over to the window and set him down on the sill.
“See the river?” said the mayor. “See the houses? See the people in the streets? I have to make it all work. Well, not the river, obviously, that works by itself. And every year it turns out that I haven't upset enough people for them to choose anyone else as mayor. So I have to do it again. It's a lot more complicated than I ever thought it would be.”
“What, for you, too? But you're a human!” said Darktan in astonishment.
“Hah! You think that makes it easier? I thought rats were wild and free!”
“Hah!” said Darktan.
They both stared out of the window. Down in the square below they could see Keith and Malicia walking along, deep in conversation.
“If you like,” said the mayor, after a while, “you could have a little desk here in my office—”
“I'll live underground, thank you all the same,” said Darktan, pulling himself together. “Little desks are a bit too Mr. Bunnsy.”
The mayor sighed. “I suppose so. Er…” He looked as if he was about to share some guilty secret and, in a way, he was. “I did like those books when I was a boy, though. Of course I knew it was all nonsense but, all the same, it was nice to think that—”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Darktan. “But the rabbit was stupid. Whoever heard of a rabbit talking?”
“Oh, yes. I never liked the rabbit. It was the minor characters everyone liked. Ratty Rupert and Phil the Pheasant and Olly the Snake—”
“Oh, come on,” said Darktan. “He had a collar and tie!”
“Well?”
“Well, how did it stay on? A snake is tube-shaped!”
“Do you know, I never thought of it like that,” said the mayor. “Silly, really. He'd wriggle out of it, wouldn't he?”
“And waistcoats on rats don't work.”
“No?”
“No,” said Darktan. “I tried it. Tool belts are fine, but waistcoats. Dangerous Beans got quite upset about that. But I told him, you've got to be practical.”
“It's just like I always tell my daughter,” said the man. “Stories are just stories. Life is complicated enough as it is. We have to plan for the real world. There's no room for the fantastic.”
“Exactly,” said the rat.
And man and rat talked, as the long light faded into the evening.
A man was painting, very carefully, a little picture underneath the street sign that said “River Street”. It was a long way underneath, only just higher than the pavement, and he had to kneel down. He kept referring to a small piece of paper in his hand.
The picture looked like:

Keith laughed. “What's funny?” said Malicia.
“It's in the Rat alphabet,” said Keith. “It says Water+Fast+Stones. The streets have got cobbles on, right? So rats see them as stones. It means River Street.”
“Both languages on the street signs. Clause 193,” said Malicia. “That's fast. They only agreed that two hours ago. I suppose that means there will be tiny signs in human language in the rat tunnels?”
“I hope not,” said Keith.
“Why not?”
“Because rats mostly mark their tunnels by widdling on them.”
He was impressed at the way Malicia's expression didn't change a bit. “I can see we're all going to have to make some important mental adjustments,” she said, thoughtfully. “It was odd about Maurice, though, after my father told him there were plenty of kind old ladies in the town that'd be happy to give him a home.”
“You mean when he said that wouldn't be any fun, getting it that way?” said Keith.
“Yes. Do you know what he meant?”
“Sort of. He meant he's Maurice,” said Keith. “I think he had the time of his life, strutting up and down the table ordering everyone around. He even said the rats could keep the money! He said a little voice in his head told him it was really theirs!”
Malicia appeared to think about things for a while, and then said, as if it wasn't very important really, “And, er… you're staying, yes?”
“Clause 9, Resident Rat Piper,” said Keith. “I get an official suit that I don't have to share with anyone, a hat with a feather and a pipe allowance.”
“That will be… quite satisfactory,” said Malicia. “Er…”
“Yes?”
“When I told you that I had two sisters, er, that wasn't entirely true,” she said. “Er… it wasn't a lie, of course, but it was just… enhanced a bit.”
“Yes.”
“I mean it would be more literally true to say that I have, in fact, no sisters at all.”
“Ah,” said Keith.
“But I have millions of friends, of course,” Malicia went on. She looked, Keith thought, absolutely miserable.
“That's amazing,” he said. “Most people just have a few dozen.”
“Millions,” said Malicia. “Obviously, there's always room for another one.”
“Good,” said Keith.
“And, er, there's Clause 5,” said Malicia, still looking a bit nervous.
“Oh, yes,” said Keith. “That one puzzled everyone. ‘A slap-up tea with cream buns and a medal’, right?”
“Yes,” said Malicia. “It wouldn't be properly over, otherwise. Would you, er, join me?”
Keith nodded. He stared around at the town. It seemed a nice place. Just the right size. A man could find a future here…
“Just one question…” he said.
“Yes?” said Malicia, meekly.
“How long does it take to become mayor?”
There's a town in Überwald where, every time the clock shows a quarter of an hour, the rats come out and strike the bells.
And people watch, and cheer, and buy the souvenir gnawed mugs and plates and spoons and clocks and other things which have no use whatsoever other than to be bought and taken home. And they go to the Rat Museum, and they eat RatBurgers (Guaranteed No Rat) and buy Rat Ears that you can wear and buy the books of Rat poetry in Rat language and say “how odd” when they see the streets signs in Rat and marvel at how the whole place seems so clean…
And once a day the town's Rat Piper, who is rather young, plays his pipes and the rats dance to the music, usually in a conga line. It's very popular (on special days a little tap-dancing rat organizes vast dancing spectaculars, with hundreds of rats in sequins, and water ballet in the fountains, and elaborate sets).
And there are lectures about the Rat Tax and how the whole system works, and how the rats have a town of their own under the human town, and get free use of the library, and even sometimes send their young rats to the school. And everyone says: How perfect, how well organized, how amazing!
And then most of them go back to their own towns and set their traps and put down their poisons, because some minds you couldn't change with a hatchet. But a few see the world as a different place.
It's not perfect, but it works. The thing about stories is that you have to pick the ones that last.
And far downstream a handsome cat, with only a few bare patches still in its fur, jumped off a barge, sauntered along the dock, and entered a large and prosperous town. It spent a few days beating up the local cats and getting the feel of the place and, most of all, in sitting and watching.
Finally, it saw what it wanted. It followed a young lad out of the city. He was carrying a stick over his back, on the end of which was a knotted handkerchief of the kind used by people in story circumstances to carry all their worldly goods. The cat grinned to himself. If you knew their dreams, you could handle people.
The cat followed the boy all the way to the first milestone along the road, where the boy stopped for a rest. And heard:
“Hey, stupid-looking kid? Wanna be Lord Mayor? Nah, down here, kid…”
Because some stories end, but old stories go on, and you gotta dance to the music if you want to stay ahead.