Okay, most of these are actual .sigs snarfed from Usenet. Some of them aren't, but are pretty damn funny anyway so they're in. They appear in the same order I read them off the net, earliest first and the most recent at the bottom. Last updated 13 AUG 2002. http://www.leftmind.net/random/bofh-quotes.txt http://www.leijonhufvud.org/sigs.txt http://tertius.net.au/~thorfinn/quotes.html ok dpm ================================================================================ From: d9bertil@dtek.chalmers.se (Bertil Jonell) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp Organization: Chalmers University of Technology, Gothenburg, Sweden It can be shown that for any nutty theory, beyond-the-fringe political view or strange religion there exists a proponent on the Net. The proof is left as an exercise for your kill-file. ================================================================================ From: cwatters@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Coyt D Watters) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp Organization: The Ohio State University Oh I like MUMPS, everything's a string. Oh I like MUMPS, math's done wrong. Oh I like MUMPS, DATA as CODE as DATA as CODE as... is a lot of fun. Oh I like MUMPS, passing an indirect variable reference as a parameter is ok. ================================================================================ From: erics@sco.COM (Eric Smith) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv Organization: The Santa Cruz Operation, Inc. Eric Smith | "You know, you have to be careful not to get erics@sco.com | yourself locked into this open systems stuff." erics@infoserv.com | - IBM account executive, Communications Week, 10/21/91 CI$: 70262,3610 | ================================================================================ From: mikew@sdl.mdcbbs.com (Mike Whitaker) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp Organization: Shape Data (A Division of EDS) - Cambridge,UK Have you ever noticed how all the really good .sig quotes are more than 80 chara ================================================================================ RON BUCKMIRE, 11 Colvin Circle, Troy, NY 12180-3735. "1991: YEAR OF THE QUEER" vox:(518)-276-8910 fax:(518)-276-6920 buckmr@rpi.edu buckmr@rpitsmts.bitnet "We are the most powerful planet on Earth." -- Vice-President Dan Quayle ================================================================================ wayner@otc.otca.oz (Wayne Robinson) 667 - The Neighbour of the Beast! ================================================================================ From: mcmahon@tgv.com (John 'Fast-Eddie' McMahon) Newsgroups: comp.org.decus Organization: TGV Incorporated (Tech Support) in Santa Cruz, CA "Alpha-Bits! Coming soon from Digital Equipment Corporation" ================================================================================ From: lwb@cs.utexas.edu (Lance W. Bledsoe) Newsgroups: rec.music.cd,alt.flame Organization: U Texas Dept of Computer Sciences, Austin TX How did the Scarecrow know he didn't have a brain? ================================================================================ From: morrow@fnalo.fnal.gov (Elmo) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics Organization: Fermi National Accelerator Lab | Attitude Man: | "George Herbert Walker Bush" elmo | I want to be | can be rearranged to spell morrow@fnal.fnal.gov | an obnoxious | Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog. | Jerry Boyajian | I cannot believe this is a coincidence. ================================================================================ From: mvp@hsv3.lsil.com (Mike Van Pelt) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.movies Organization: Video 7 + G2 = Headland Technology Mike Van Pelt "Something is happening here, Headland Technology/Video 7 What it is ain't exactly clear..." ...ames!vsi1!hsv3!mvp -- Pons & Fleischmann ================================================================================ From: tyg@caen.engin.umich.edu Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics "This is Calvin. This is Calvin on Chocolate Covered Sugar Bombs. Any questions?" --James Drew ================================================================================ From: jordan@castor.cs.uga.edu (CHARLES JORDAN) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics Organization: University of Georgia, Athens Chuck Jordan | "This is really, really bad. I mean, it is bad. jordan@castor.cs.uga.edu | Remember that *bad* thing we saw? This is worse." | -- Tom Servo, MST 3000 ================================================================================ PEOPLE IN THE BACKSEATS OF CARS CAN CREATE ACCIDENTS ACCIDENTS IN THE BACKSEATS OF CARS CAN CREATE PEOPLE ================================================================================ From: sdobson@morgan.ac.duke.edu (Shuford Dobson) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv Organization: Friends of Tom Servo, Inc. THIS HAS BEEN A SANDY FRANK PRESENTATION ================================================================================ From: Mikel.Beck@p0.f2001.n107.z1.ieee.org (Mikel Beck) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: FidoNet node 1:107/2001.0 - HUB 200 GROUP, Coram NY ... You can lead a user to Docs but you can't make 'em read. ================================================================================ From: mrs43610@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Madison R Smith) Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.pro Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana Madison Smith | For best results : Machine wash cold seperately, TheMadman@uiuc.edu | do not bleach, hang to dry, warm iron. | For not so good results : Drag behind car through puddles | and blow dry on roof rack. ================================================================================ From: vince@cadence.com (Vince Gibboni) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban Organization: Cadence Design Systems, Inc. In Boston, drivers don't even obey the laws of _physics_. - Dave Barry ================================================================================ From: dyess@ferranti.com (greg dyess) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: Ferranti International Controls Corporation Disclaimer: These are my opinions and probably not those of my employer, since I developed them long before I came to work for my current employer. ================================================================================ From: dyess@ferranti.com (greg dyess) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: Ferranti International Controls Corporation VMS will by far outlive the careers of those who annually pronounce its death. Portable Unix is an oxymoron; for that matter, so are Open Systems. ================================================================================ From: rpm@sgi1.wag.caltech.edu (Richard P. Muller) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena, CA THE ULTIMATE DISCLAIMER: "I ran out of gas! I got a flat tire! I locked my keys in the car! An old friend came in from out of town! I lost my tux at the cleaners! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!" --- Jake Blues ================================================================================ From: dks@athena.mit.edu (Dhanesh K Samarasan) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.apps Organization: MIT If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If Apple has rules and Microsoft hasn't read them, are the rules being broken? ================================================================================ From: patrick@stonehenge.ccs.uwo.ca (Patrick Surry) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c Organization: University of Western Ontario, London Elegant, adj, of code : when the description of the algorithm a code implements is longer than the code itself. Hack, adj, of code : when the description of the function of a line of code is longer than the line itself. ================================================================================ From: daveg@prowler.clearpoint.com (Dave Goldblatt) Newsgroups: rec.autos,misc.consumers,misc.misc Organization: Clearpoint Research Corp, Hopkinton MA 01748 "I have an existential map. It has `You are here' written all over it." - Steven Wright ================================================================================ From: gjschmid@descartes.waterloo.edu (Greg Schmidt) Newsgroups: alt.tv.simpsons Organization: University of Waterloo ________________________________________________________________ / _ \ Greg Schmidt (gjschmidt@descartes.waterloo.edu) \ \__) \ \ | Christopher Robin Hood: | __ \ Steals from the rich to give to the Pooh. \ (_ \ \____________________________________________________________\___/ ================================================================================ From: jgreen@zeus.calpoly.edu (James T. Green) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics Organization: California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo /~~~(-: James T. Green :-)~~~~(-: jgreen@eros.calpoly.edu :-)~~~\ | | | Slogans of two generations: 1972: Question Authority! | | 1992: Why Ask Why? | ================================================================================ From: jeffl@NCoast.ORG (Jeff Leyser) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv Organization: North Coast Public Access *NIX, Cleveland, OH Jeff Leyser jeffl@ncoast.org Opinions? I thought this was typing practice! leyser@tsa.attmail.com ================================================================================ From: eck@panix.com (Mark Eckenwiler) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv,misc.legal Organization: The Witherspoon Excludables First they came for the fourth amendment, but I said nothing since I wasn't a drug dealer. Then they came for the sixth amendment, but I kept quiet since I knew I wasn't guilty. Finally they came for the first amendment, and by then it was too late to say anything at all. ================================================================================ From: rowdy@cbnewsj.cb.att.com (robert.dieckmann) Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.college Organization: AT&T "Listen up son, and pay attention. | Bob Dieckmann (rwd@mtfme.att.com) How ya' gonna learn anything if you | GO: Mets (& dear old Rutgers) always got your head in a book?" | GONE: Brooklyn Dodgers -- Foghorn Leghorn | **usual disclaimer** ================================================================================ From: lazlo@triton.unm.edu (Lazlo Nibble) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics Organization: Living in a satellite fantasy, waiting for the night to end. Iron Man, Iron Man / Does whatever an iron can Presses shirts, squashes ants / Puts the crease, in your pants Look out, here comes the Iron Man. ================================================================================ From: goodwin@orionsci (Ben Goodwin) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc Organization: Orion Scientific, Inc. | uunet!orionsci!goodwin | you with your hair that's always combed, | Ben Goodwin | your suit is always white, your car is | Washington DC (703) 524-0504 | always clean. You I hate!!! -Great Race ================================================================================ From: ckeroack@hamp.hampshire.edu (Chris Keroack) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.movies Organization: Hampshire College Can't you just see it? Grover as a Jedi Master, on Luke's back on Dagobah: "near!...far!....near!......far!..... Know not the ways of the Force, do you, little buddy?" ================================================================================ From: levin@star-trek.bbn.com (Joel B Levin) Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies Nets: levin@bbn.com | "How does a mouse let me move the cursor anywhere I want?" or {...}!bbn!levin | "What are address busses?" "How do icons work?" pots: (617)873-3463 | --- Time-Life Books ================================================================================ It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger then the previous record. -- John Blasik ================================================================================ From: JLW@PSULIAS.BITNET ("J.Lance Wilkinson, 865-1818", 814) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: The Internet J.Lance Wilkinson ("Lance") A host is a host from coast to coast, Systems Design Specialist - Lead And no one will talk to a host that's close Library Computing Services Unless the host that isn't close E8 Pattee Library Is busy, hung or dead. ================================================================================ From: Eddie.Saxe@bbs.oit.unc.edu (Eddie Saxe) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips Organization: Extended Bulletin Board Service ____/| Bil the Cat says, "Vote Dave Barry| Eddie@uncvx1.bitnet alias \ o.O| for President!" Actually, he says,| Eddie@uncvx1.oit.unc.edu =(_)= "ACK, THPHTH!" but we're sure that| "I've changed my mind, Hobbes. U he's a Dave Barry supporter. | People are scum" ---Calvin ================================================================================ murphy@npri6.npri.com (systems programmer at large) When every one is dead 602 Cameron St. the Great Game is finished Alexandria, VA 22314 Not before. (703) 683-9090 --- Hurree Babu, "Kim" ================================================================================ murphy@npri6.npri.com 602 Cameron St. Alexandria, VA 22314 The First Amendment: (703) 683-9090 it's not just a good idea, it's the law. ================================================================================ From: mcgrew@dropout.rutgers.edu (Charles Mcgrew) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k Subject: Death-n-Taxes transcript Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J. Tom : Der dead hoond blowen der brete in mine soul [The hound of death blows his cold breath on my soul.] Crow : Tell me about it [Til mir abot et.] ================================================================================ From: dougm@hal.com (Doug Moran) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics Organization: HaL Computer Systems, Inc.; Campbell, CA >Geez, that's a good 50% over the number of people who voted for the group. >In two days...did the Rich Rosen Posting School (volume Volume VOLUME) >reopen and is having a midterm or something over there? > >tyg@dip (Tom Galloway) If you create it, they will post. Go the distance. The thrill of the electrons. Ease their pain. People will post, Tom. -- Doug Moran | "Just because I wear this dress doesn't mean I don't put {...}!hal.com!dougm | my panties on one leg at a time, if you know what I mean." dougm@hal.com | "Not really." ================================================================================ From: mwalker@wc.novell.com (Mel Walker) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips alt.rec.calvinball, the only true sport. ================================================================================ From: marc@ibmpa.awdpa.ibm.com (Marc Pawliger) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: IBM Advanced Workstations Division, Palo Alto Has anyone yet mentioned the Volkswagen Beetle that haunts the Bay Area with the plate "FEATURE"? Think now... ================================================================================ From: rcharbon@athena.mit.edu (Ray Charbonneau) Newsgroups: alt.tv.simpsons Organization: Massachusetts Institute of Technology Ray Charbonneau | The fifth dentist makes all the money. rcharbon@athena.mit.edu | -- me | 1 out of 5 dentists do not take surveys seriously. | -- dpm ================================================================================ From: chisnall@cosc.canterbury.ac.nz (The Technicolour Throw-up) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips Organization: Computer Science,University of Canterbury,New Zealand Name: Michael Chisnall I'm not a .signature virus, nor do I play one on tv. ================================================================================ From: daybell@nunki.usc.edu (Donald Daybell) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA bumper sticker seen on stealth bomber: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, WE WASTED FIFTY BILLION BUCKS. ================================================================================ From: lesher@bucknell.edu (timothy lesher `94) Newsgroups: sci.military Organization: Bucknell University, Lewisburg, Pa. We demand 40 million helicopters, and a dollar! -- WAIT! ================================================================================ From: lesher@bucknell.edu (timothy lesher `94) Newsgroups: sci.military Organization: Bucknell University, Lewisburg, Pa. We're kicking butt and taking initials; we're not stopping long enough for names! ================================================================================ From: swanson@loligo.cc.fsu.edu (Bob Swanson) Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.college Bob Swanson Give me a lever long enough, and a place swanson@loligo.cc.fsu.edu to stand, and I will break my lever. ================================================================================ From: mdm@sparc2.prime.com (Michael D. McAfee) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics Organization: Prime Computervision, Bedford MA disclaimer: Mugsy here, he don't like it when you blame my employer for opinions expressed in my posts. Ain't dat right, Mugsy? "Duh, yeah Boss." ================================================================================ From: KELSEY@SLACVM.SLAC.STANFORD.EDU (KELSEY, Michael H.) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc Organization: Stanford Linear Accelerator Center [ My opinions are not endorsed by SLAC, Caltech, or the US government ] What is your _name_? "kelsey@slacvm.slac.stanford.edu" What is your _quest_? "To get a Ph.D. in high-energy physics" When will you _finish_? "I don't know. Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh..." ================================================================================ From: smayo@wang.com (Scott Mayo) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp Organization: Wang Labs, Lowell MA, USA I slew Orcus on his own plane, and all I got was this lousy wand. ================================================================================ From: iadmr@Msu.oscs.montana.edu (Mark Rogstad) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.apps Organization: Montana State University "I think I've found the perfect martini...You pour six jiggers of gin into a glass and then you drink it while staring at a picture of Lorenzo Schwartz, the inventor of vermouth" -- Hawkeye Pierce ================================================================================ From: engjs@wombat.newcastle.edu.au (James Smith) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp Organization: University of Newcastle, AUSTRALIA James J Smith | One of the biggest obstacles to the future School of Engineering | of computing is C. C is the last attempt Newcastle University | of the high priesthood to control the engjs@cc.newcastle.edu.au | computing business. It's like the scribes --------------------------+ and the Pharisees who did not want the masses to learn to read and write. -- Jerry Pournelle ================================================================================ From: jrs@netcom.com (John Switzer) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.movies Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest) John Switzer | "This movie has to be seen to be believed. | On the other hand, maybe that's too high a 74076.1250@Compuserve.com | price to pay." - Roger Ebert reviewing jrs@netcom.com | Highlander II, the Quickening ================================================================================ From: fester@island.COM (Mike Fester) Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.pro Organization: /usr/local/rn/organization Disclaimer - These opiini^H^H damn! ^H^H ^Q ^[ .... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X ^? exit X Q ^C ^? :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZZZZZ ^H man vi ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D ^d man help ^C ^c help exit ?Quit ?q CtrlShftDel "Hey, what does this button d..." ================================================================================ From: rowdy@cbnewsj.cb.att.com (robert.dieckmann) Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.college Organization: AT&T This is what it looks like when I roll my head on the keyboard: bnmjh,kiuy.lo y6t5j7k8uhy6 il9k7;p0oi'[- Now, can we *please* think of something else to discuss? ================================================================================ From: ecmtwhk@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz (Thomas Koenig) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: University of Auckland, New Zealand. rw-rw-rw- : The file protection of the Beast ================================================================================ From: rlcarr@athena.mit.edu (Richard L. Carreiro) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips,ne.general Organization: Digitopolitan Embassy to the US Rich Carreiro "My country, right or wrong" ARPA: rlcarr@athena.mit.edu is like UUCP: ...!mit-eddie!mit-athena!rlcarr "My driver, sober or drunk" BITNET: rlcarr@athena.mit.edu JITTLOV FOREVER! ================================================================================ From: fetrow@biostat.washington.edu (David Fetrow) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: Biostatistics, University of Washington, Seattle "Non-disclosure: In exchange for a sniff of the vapor, you are forbidden to tell anyone that it stinks." -- After viewing product FOO from vendor BAR ================================================================================ From: adam@owlnet.rice.edu (Adam Justin Thornton) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: Milo's Meadow Any language with a COME FROM instruction is a friend of mine. ================================================================================ From: murraysd@dcs.glasgow.ac.uk (Stephen D Murray) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.games Organization: Glasgow University Computing Science Dept. _The_ancient_art_of_war_ is very similar to the game _War_in_Middle_Earth_ on the amiga except that it's infinitely better. ================================================================================ From: Terelelli Pictures (tep@limon.iksnet) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.cascade,alt.stupidity,misc.misc,rec.humor,alt.flame Organization: Terelelli Pictrures Inc. They're The Grateful Dead, Jim. ================================================================================ From: ask@cbnews.cb.att.com (Arthur S. Kamlet) Newsgroups: misc.consumers Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories, Columbus, Ohio The slogan for Federal Express: "When it absolutely, positively has to get there overnight." The slogan for U. S. Postal Service's Express Mail: "If it doesn't get there in time, we'll give you your money back." As Dave Barry says, I am not making this up! ================================================================================ From: tlynch@cco.caltech.edu (Timothy W. Lynch) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena "Hey, shouldn't we be putting these comics carefully into plastic bags?" "No. We have lives." --Crow and Tom, "Mystery Science Theater 3000" ================================================================================ From: riana@acca.nmsu.edu (Riana) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp Organization: New Mexico State University Nobody died and made you root@everywhere. ================================================================================ From: pld@cthulhu.hq.ileaf.com (Peter L. DeWolf) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd Organization: Interleaf, Inc. Peter L. DeWolf | Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu pld@ileaf.com | R'lyeh wgah-nagl fhtagn. ================================================================================ From: jaa@philabs.philips.com (Joseph M. Amato) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd Organization: Philips Laboratories, Briarcliff, NY 10510 Remembering touches of physics, I recall that temperature and density are related, with pressure thrown in there too. ================================================================================ From: storm@cs.mcgill.ca (Horatio Gadsplatt III) Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies Organization: McGill University, Montreal, Canada storm@cs.mcgill.ca Marc Wandschneider C program run. Run program run! PLEASE! ================================================================================ From: mikem@ll.mit.edu Newsgroups: comp.sys.dec Organization: MIT Lincoln Laboratory "EARTH: could it be time to reboot?" ================================================================================ From: tdunn@ecst.csuchico.edu (Tim Dunn) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp Organization: California State University, Chico Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. ================================================================================ From: bubba@mace.cc.purdue.edu (Gary Beason) Newsgroups: alt.tv.seinfeld Organization: Purdue University watching Seinfeld, people recognize something. we are Seinfeld. Howie Mandell is the anti-Seinfeld. ================================================================================ From: mccreary@sword.eng.hou.compaq.com (Ed McCreary) Newsgroups: alt.security,rec.arts.movies Organization: Compaq Computer Corp. McCreary@sword.eng.hou.compaq.com Computers are like Old Testament gods; Me? Speak for Compaq? Yeah, right. lots of rules and no mercy. "By this time my lungs were aching for air..." Joseph Campbell ================================================================================ From: msb@sq.com (Mark Brader) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Organization: SoftQuad Inc., Toronto It's not pinging, it's passed on. This program is no more. It has ceased to run. It's expired and gone to meet its make-r. This is a late program. It's a stiff... *This is an X program.* ================================================================================ From: yergeau@leland.Stanford.EDU (Dan Yergeau) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA Dan Yergeau He's dead, Jim. Take his phaser yergeau@gloworm.Stanford.EDU and I'll get his wallet. ================================================================================ From: 10726446@eng2.eng.monash.edu.au (LAU WAI KUEN) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd Organization: Faculty of Engineering, Monash University 'Greetings! I am Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, chief metallurgist to King Charles the Fifth of Spain. And you, my friend, are Connor McLeod.' ================================================================================ From: thorntn@ccu.umanitoba.ca (Duncan Peter G. Thornton) Newsgroups: rec.arts.books,rec.arts.sf.misc,rec.humor,alt.folklore.urban Organization: University of Manitoba Jesus, have some respect. It's not "dead", it's metabolically challenged. Get with the program. ================================================================================ From: mathew@mantis.co.uk (mathew) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.apps,comp.sys.mac.misc Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK. Opinions expressed are those of the author, and nothing to do with Mantis Consultants. Don't bother suing me; if I had enough money to make it worth your while I'd be able to afford your software. ================================================================================ Path: npri6!uupsi!psinntp!looking!funny-request From: ggr@corowa.acci.com.au (Greg Rose) I have invented a marketing term for a marketing presentation given at a technical conference: "virtual information" ================================================================================ From: zimmy@ee.eng.ohio-state.edu (Michael Zimmerman) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.games Organization: Ohio State University Just say "noe" to Quayle. ================================================================================ From: vanyel@camelot.bradley.edu (Alan Williams) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: Bradley University A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an _Enterprise_ security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? --Tom Galloway (tyg@dip) ================================================================================ From: quinn@cs.uwa.edu.au (Quinn) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.apps Organization: The University of Western Australia Quinn "The Eskimo!" quinn@cs.uwa.edu.au "Real Coke, Diet .sig" Department of Computer Science, The University of Western Australia -- Next target: The evil standard file dialog! -- Never use MessDOS and 'good sense' in the same paragraph without an odd number of negations. -- /stupid/ adv. [Techspeak] Not conversant with the relevant technology. -- Smilie supplement for the ideology impaired (-: (-: (-: (-: ================================================================================ From: bigham@acpub.duke.edu (Scott Bigham) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c Organization: n. Arrangement in an orderly or logical fashion. See "miracle". The opinions expressed above are (c) 1992 Hacker Ltd. and cannot be copied or distributed without a Darn Good Reason (tm). ================================================================================ From: stirling@ozrout.uucp (Stirling Westrup) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: Andre P. Ozrout || BUNGEE SIDEWAYS! o ))) || /-- /// |P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\_ \\\ __ -_ || stirling@ozrout.uucp ((( (_)T(_) ================================================================================ From: tyg@dip.eecs.umich.edu (Tom Galloway) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: Interleaf "By the way, there was a Legion of Super-Pets, but it isn't a nominee because: 1) It would be redundant. 2) It was only an auxiliary of the Legion of Superheroes 3) DC admitted its existence in Who's Who, and 4) There are a lot of humorless Legion fans out there, and some of them probably have guns." --World's Worst Comics Awards ================================================================================ From: morrow@fnalo.fnal.gov (Jor-Elmo) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: Lara's Kandorian Take-Out but [LSH writers] T&M&K probably believe the Earth is rock straight through... ================================================================================ From: morrow@fnalo.fnal.gov (Jor-Elmo) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: Lara's Kandorian Take-Out Personally, when I'm planning a city on a perfectly ordinary Class M planet on which my species evolved, I put a dome over it to, uh, keep the birds out, yeah, and put a space drive underneath it, just in case I should happen to need to dash down to the Seventy-Seven-Eleven Eleven at Barnard's Star. ================================================================================ From: ICKJM@ASUACAD.BITNET Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv Organization: Arizona State University [the barcelona olympics commentators are] all so pathetic really. Every time one of the gymnasts would make a slight bobble on the beam, that woman commentator would say "well, I guess no one wants the gold tonight." Yeah, right! ================================================================================ From: an26@sol.acs.unt.edu (Dave Roberts) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips Organization: University of North Texas +----------------------+-----------------------------------------------+ | Dave Roberts | Disclaimer: I've already wiped the keyboard | | an26@sol.acs.unt.edu | down, and no one saw me type this, so don't | +----------------------+ even try to implicate me. | | Entropy Happesn +-----------------------------------------------+ +----------------------+ Hey, cool! My fingers are growing! | | cogito, ergo doom | No, wait... it's just my fingernails. Again. | +----------------------+-----------------------------------------------+ ================================================================================ From: stame@emunix.emich.edu (Stewart Tame) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips Organization: Eastern Michigan University I understand it's obligatory to mention Kibo somewhere in one's postings. ================================================================================ From: mm42@prism.gatech.EDU (Mark Mitchell) Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.college Organization: Ramblin' Wrecks from Georgia Tech "What kind of creator makes artichokes and 200,000 species of fruit fly? If I'd been in charge of creation, I'd have made lasers - 08:00:00, day one." ================================================================================ From: jhildeb1@cc.swarthmore.edu (Jeff Hildebrand) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: Don's Merry Horde of Topologists "Fly Heisenberg Airlines! We may not know where we are, but we're making real good time." - _Synners_ by Pat Cadigan ================================================================================ From: jjfink@skcla.monsanto.com Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.misc Organization: Searle, Skokie, IL The name "Ronald Wilson Reagan", when rearranged, is "Insane Anglo Warlord". Now, we knew how to deal with an insane anglo warlord in the 80's. The name "George Herbert Walker Bush" becomes "Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog". What do we do with that? ================================================================================ From: u910996@bruny.cc.utas.edu.au (Delroy Hartley) Newsgroups: misc.consumers Organization: University of Tasmania, Australia. Delroy Hartley "I used to be into necroequineflagellation u910996@bruny.cc.utas.edu.au but I found it to be beating a dead horse" ================================================================================ From: jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu (have clue, will travel) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics Organization: The Ghost Of Christmas Past Society sl859@cc.usu.edu (wReam) writes: >OK. Who was the guy that organized the new newsgroup >alt.comics.lnh. I talked to my news chief guy about it >telling him to watch for it and he told me that he wouldn't >accept it because when the newgroup message came around >the group had no official charter or title. CAN SOMEONE WITH >HALF-A-BRAIN CELL about this stuff, fix that and do the >appropriate paper work so that I can get the newsgroup. (HOPEFULLY >it is not too late, cuz, I am not getting any of the LNH stuff as of >late, and RAC is about to go kaputz and I will be doing the LNH Roster >next, all of which cause DEFINATE CONFLICT!!!) EEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!@!! *sigh* What happened was that while alt.comics.lnh was being discussed in alt.config (according to proper procedures), SOME IDIOT WHO WILL REMAIN NAMELESS (*cough* *cough* *sneeze* ERIC OLSEN *honk*) newgrouped the group very prematurely, BEFORE I could send a proper one with a charter and an official name. Thank you, Eric. In your haste to remove LNH traffic from r.a.c.*, you have guaranteed that certain sysadmins (like the one above) will NOT accept a.c.lnh, and thus have doomed r.a.c.misc to containing LNH traffic from those who don't get the new group. I couldn't have done it better myself, if I'd tried (which I didn't). At any rate, as soon as the chaos that's been haunting me this week dies down (a day or so), I'll send a newgroup to the proper place COMPLETE w/the usual goodies that will hopefully heal most wounds that Mr. Trigger-Happy caused. All flames eagerly accepted. E-Mail is my life. --j. coleburn, NCSU --Multi-Tasking Man, L.N.H. -- ----------jeff the wonder llama, jecoleb@eos.ncsu.edu ================================================================================ From: michael.davidson@the_matrix.com (Michael Davidson) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current Organization: The MATRIX BBS - Birmingham, AL - 205-323-2016 Q: I understand how Data knows it's 42 *North* on a newly discovered planet. Equators can be defined. But I thought that east and west lines were subjective. A: Nope. They're measured east and west of the prime meridian. ================================================================================ From: alan@elroy.jpl.nasa.gov (Alan S. Mazer) Newsgroups: misc.consumers,aus.general Organization: Image Analysis Systems Group, JPL Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. ================================================================================ From: nunn@sura.net (Deborah Nunn) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current Organization: SURAnet, College Park, MD, USA, NA, Earth, Milky Way ___/\ /\ One to beam up, Scottie! __/ * \ / / (My dogs made me say it! Really!) | |_______/ / ///// \ Deborah J. Nunn | Snail mail: | | e-mail: nunn@sura.net | SURAnet | ______ | phone: (301) 982-4600 | 8400 Baltimore Blvd. |___/ \___| fax: (301) 982-4605 | College Pk, MD 20740 ================================================================================ From: bxp1628@hertz.njit.edu (Brian Perler) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: New Jersey Institute of Technology, Newark, N.J. "Dog bites man--that's not a story. Man bites dog--*that's* a story. And if the dog and the man slug it out for six issues, and then Wolverine shows up for a guest appearance, and the dog turns out to be a mutant, that's a *Marvel* story!" -Marvel Editorial Handbook ================================================================================ From: jtruss@cauchy.WPI.EDU (Free the Expo 67!) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv Organization: Worcester Polytechnic Institute john trussell :: "Look, I'm only interested in cesium-136. Could the jtruss@wpi.wpi.edu :: rest of you please put 'non-136' in your keyword lines devnull@yew.wpi.edu :: so I can killfile you?" --tomf@gte.com, on alt.cesium ================================================================================ From: tim@physics.orst.edu (Tim Mefford) Newsgroups: alt.peeves,misc.misc Organization: Up the, ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Tim's to do list ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 1. Get old, die. 2. I must not think bad thoughts. 3. Get mine before this fetid rotting contaminated carcass we call Earth collapses about our collective head. 4. Read a good book. 5. Eliminate homicidal clones of self. 6. Consult hyperintelligent aliens about personal life. 7. Make itemized account of all precious bodily fluids. 8. Play basketball. 9. Sell Michael Eisner plan to turn Buddha into animated Saturday morning crimefighter. 10.Collect ozone in tiny little bottles, sell as souvenirs in 20 years, get rich. 11.Point out connection among Maastricht passage, freak storm, and biblical prophecy for food. 12.Redeem cereal box top for Hubbel space binoculars. ================================================================================ From: tyg@quip.eecs.umich.edu (Tom Galloway) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: Interleaf "There are three types of men in the world: 1) Those who liked Daphne, 2) Those who liked Velma, 3) and those who liked Freddie. PS: I'm not including those who liked Scooby." --Chuck Jordan ================================================================================ From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: The John Fluke Mfg. Co. /a.k.a. The Gizmonics Institute/ What if Bruce Wayne's parents had been murdered by software engineers? Well, we *are* a superstitious, cowardly lot. "GAHHH! The Batman's aftah us! I told ya we shoulda beta-tested the code!" ================================================================================ From: eric@cse.fau.edu (Eric L. Thav) Newsgroups: alt.tv.la-law Organization: Florida Atlantic University, Boca Raton, FL, USA .signature not found, format hard disk instead? [Y]: ================================================================================ From: dvandom@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (David VanDomelen) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: The Ohio State University When I first read the "Lar brings a White Dwarf" issue I went "Yow! I thought Lar had brains!" Later when I had learned about things like Riemann curvature tensors and tidal effects of curvature gradients, I went "YOW! Shattered Earth Syndrome!" ================================================================================ From: lasner@watsun.cc.columbia.edu (Charles Lasner) Newsgroups: alt.tv.infomercials Organization: Columbia University Offer void where prohibited by law; not connected in any way with any government agency. This company is not affiliated with Burlington Industries; batteries not included; some assembly required. Your mileage may vary. Don't try this at home; professional stunt drivers. Simulation; recreation; 3 weeks later; compensated spokesperson. Professional celebrity look-alike. Scotch Tape is a registered trademark of Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Co., Inc. Not available in Tennesee. Offer not valid after 90 days. Offer not open to employees of Anheuser-Busch or their families. Product warranty will be void if the cover or this label is removed or if the drive experiences shocks in excess of 40 G's. Do not incinerate. Contents under pressure. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. ================================================================================ From: chambles@whale.st.usm.edu (John William Chambless) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c Organization: University of Southern Mississippi Programming exclusively in (--(C++)) ================================================================================ From: rdippold@qualcom.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold) Newsgroups: comp.graphics,comp.lang.c Organization: Qualcomm, Inc., San Diego, CA I do the work of three men - Larry, Moe, and Curly. ================================================================================ From: gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers,news.admin.misc Organization: SCI Systems, Inc., Huntsville, Al. Gary Heston SCI Systems, Inc. gary@sci34hub.sci.com site admin The Chairman of the Board and the CFO speak for SCI. I'm neither. "Data sheet: HSN-3000 Nuclear Event Detector. The [NED] senses the gamma radiation pulse [from a] nuclear weapon." As if we wouldn't notice... ================================================================================ From: jmaynard@oac.hsc.uth.tmc.edu (Jay Maynard) Newsgroups: news.groups Organization: UT Health Science Center Houston I've certainly gotten both deaf ears and atomic flames out of this discussion, even before I contributed my little bit of exothermic hydrocarbon oxidation. ================================================================================ From: silverm@bcstec.ca.boeing.com (Jeff Silverman) Newsgroups: vmsnet.alpha Organization: Boeing Computer Services An Alpha could have a million zillion bytes of RAM and have a clock speed in the Infrared, but a slow disk can make it a slug. ================================================================================ From: jefft@athena.mit.edu (Jeff Tang) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: Massachusetts Institute of Technology it's the OdinRetirement, made possible by the lucrative OdinPensionPlan. ================================================================================ From: ecf_stbo@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu (My personal name) Newsgroups: vmsnet.alpha Organization: The Johns Hopkins University - HCF Tom O'Toole - ecf_stbo@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu - JHUVMS system programmer Homewood Computing Facilities, Johns Hopkins University, Balto. Md. 21218 Here comes a jet ski. weuh weeuhh weeuhh weeuhh WEEUHH WEEUHH WEEUHH WEEUHH weeuhh weeuhh weeuhh weuh ================================================================================ From: e3ubec@fnma.COM (Blaine Crowther) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c Organization: Fannie Mae >Here's a question for you. What do you say to a co-worker who >asks you "What is the difference between equals and equals equals?" All programmers are equal, but some are more equal than others! ================================================================================ From: ejd@cimage.com (Ed Driscoll) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c Organization: Cimage Corp., Ann Arbor, MI >Here's a question for you. What do you say to a co-worker who >asks you "What is the difference between equals and equals equals?" "=" is used for assignment, "==" is used for assignment-critical situations where you want to be *really* sure that the assignment takes place, such as when you're writing code to help someone else keep their job on a nuclear submarine. ================================================================================ From: roadrash@bcstec.ca.boeing.com (The Man With No Name) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: The Urethane Underground Reading the net is like trying to get a drink of water from a firehose, and posting to the net is like shouting at riders on a roller coaster. ================================================================================ From: roadrash@bcstec.ca.boeing.com (The Man With No Name) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers,alt.religion.kibology Organization: The Urethane Underground _________ "Amazing Sacred Orb _!_ Forged from the _/ / net.special of | Ruins of the ( ( ) / effects!" Net.Czar _-^-_ Stainless Steel ( ( ) ) Siskel & Ebert Spafford / | \ Backbone ( K I B O ) |G E N E| (____________) \ | / //////////// -_._- \ Z \ \ > Not "0" Bombs -> o o <- Pearls / A / or o of < \ Flaming Hailstones -> o o <- net.wisdom \ P \ \ > o o o o /!/ \ \ o o o o BZZZT! ` V ' TOOF! - * - o o o o o flamers flamers flamers flamers newbies newbies newbies newbies flamers flamers flamers newbies newbies newbies flamers flamers flamers flamers newbies newbies newbies newbies ________ _____________ _______________/\/\ | \__________/ \___/ \______-_-- | | | | | Meanwhile, deep in the "underground" ... | ____________________________________________________________________ | Kibo.z.Lawzz.of.Computing.z.Datamation.z.Helpful.Unix.RulzzZZZ...| -------------------------------------------------------------------- Safe once again, the net.lurker and ancient underground Skate/Cyber?-Punk goes back to sleep... ================================================================================ From: tao@fine.princeton.edu (Terry Tao) Newsgroups: sci.physics Organization: Princeton University > TIME HAS INERTIA and some energy is lost to move Time forward > E = mcc (Einstein) must be replaced by E = m(0) exp(-At) (Abian) ABIAN HAS INERTIA and some energy is lost trying to eradicate him E = mcc (Physics) must never be replaced by E = m(0) exp (-At) (Bullshit) where E is the entertainment value of an article, m the meaningfulness of the article (0 for Abian) and A the number of capitalized words in the article. ================================================================================ From: tara@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Lady Johanna Constantine) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv,rec.arts.sf.tv Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana Founder of the Church of Our Lady of the Perpetually Clueless ================================================================================ Phil Howard, pdh@netcom.com It's not broken... it's just functionally challenged ================================================================================ From: raju@bass.bu.edu (Rajminder Singh) Newsgroups: sci.physics Organization: Boston University ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^ (__) (__) Rajminder Singh ^ ^ (oo) (oo) ERB 07, 44 Cumm. St. ^ ^ /-------\/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ECS, Boston University ^ ^ / | || ^ ^ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ^ ^ Cow in water Cow in trouble ^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ================================================================================ From: mduhan@husc10.harvard.edu (Matthew Duhan) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k Organization: Harvard University Mystery Science Center 3000 ______ _ _ _ o | | -[O]- ( ) |#/) ROBOT | [] | /_____\ |<| (oo) ROLL) | o__] | |/ \| /{"}\ (=)/ CALL | || | \ / /_"_\ __=__ | | |CAMBOT| GYPSY TOM SERVO CROOOOW! |______| \_/ /_______\ | /_\ | (let's go) (pan left) (hi, girl) (what a cool guy) (wisecracker) ================================================================================ * Harvard Man/Harvard Man/Going to school in Cambridgeland/ * * Always wins against Yale Man/Harvard Man/ * * Is he a doc/Or is he a jock/Does he just work or does he like to rock/ * * No one compares to Harvard Man/Intelligent man/Harvard Man * ================================================================================ From: derek@nezsdc.icl.co.nz (Derek Tearne) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.folklore.computers Organization: Fujitsu New Zealand - Software Development Center Derek Tearne. -- derek@nezsdc.icl.co.nz -- Fujitsu New Zealand -- _______ _______} This is a Usenet Condom. Roll the condom over the .signature file before posting to protect yourself from .sig retro-virii ================================================================================ From: esther@verdix.com (Esther Lumsdon) Newsgroups: misc.consumers Organization: Verdix Corp Q: How many user support people does it take to change a light bulb? A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? ================================================================================ From: mandrews@portal.hq.videocart.com (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: VideOcart Inc. Mike Andrews |VideOcart, Inc. mandrews@hq.videocart.com |Chicago, IL USA [][] Madonna: Andy Warhol called. Your 15 minutes are up. [][] ================================================================================ From: d88-jwa@hemul.nada.kth.se (Jon W{tte) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.games Organization: Royal Institute of Technology, Stockholm, Sweden Engineering : "How will this work?" Science : "Why will this work?" Management : "When will this work?" Liberal Arts : "Do you want fries with that?" -- Jesse N. Schell ================================================================================ From: viking@iastate.edu (Dan Sorenson) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA Dan Sorenson, DoD #1066 z1dan@exnet.iastate.edu viking@iastate.edu USENET: Post to exotic, distant machines. Meet exciting, unusual people. And flame them. ================================================================================ From: kubey@sgi.com (Ken Kubey) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv Organization: Silicon Graphics, Inc., Mountain View, CA "Those phone cops play hardball, man." Johnny Fever, WKRP ================================================================================ From: kubey@sgi.com (Ken Kubey) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv Organization: Silicon Graphics, Inc., Mountain View, CA Name: Ken Kubey or QB | Reading, editing or printing of this text Address: kubey@sgi.com | without the express written consent of Disclaimer: the usual | Major League Baseball is prohibited. ================================================================================ From: folsom@bigmax.UUCP (Al Folsom) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c Organization: Fischer & Porter Co., Warminster, PA. Al Folsom | Object Oriented Programming? We've Fischer & Porter Co. | been doing that for years... ...uunet!bigmax!folsom | also folsom@decus.org | When the customer objects to the way KY3T@WA3TSW (Ham) | it works, we go program some more! ================================================================================ From: reid@ucs.indiana.edu (Frank Reid) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips Organization: Indiana University Q: What ever happened to the Garbage Pail Kids? A: They grew up and became enemies of Dick Tracy. %-) ================================================================================ From: tlynch@cco.caltech.edu (Timothy W. Lynch) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena Picard: You are not God! Q: Blasphemy! You're lucky I don't cast you out, or smite you or something. ================================================================================ From: mwm@aps.anl.gov (Michael W. McDowell) Newsgroups: alt.tv.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die Organization: Argonne National Lab -- APS don't make me sing the $#!&^#* barney song again. ================================================================================ From: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene Spafford) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Organization: SERC, Department of Computer Sciences, Purdue Univ. Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. ================================================================================ From: pjm9806@ucs.usl.edu (Mejia Pablo J) Newsgroups: news.groups Organization: Univ. of Southwestern La., Lafayette We are Microsoft. UNIX is obsolete. OS/2 is irrelevant. Openness is futile. Bugs are undocumented features. Prepare to be assimilated. ================================================================================ From: wade@nb.rockwell.com (Wade Guthrie) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd Organization: Rockwell International Wade Guthrie | Trying to program on MS-DOS is like trying wade@nb.rockwell.com | to shave with a chain-saw. Me be not speaking for the Rock. | ================================================================================ From: Rannou@info.polymtl.ca (Patrick Rannou) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv Organization: Ecole Polytechnique de Montreal, Canada My opinions cited in the previous article are really those of the Ecole Polytechnique of Montreal, of the City of Montreal, of the residents of the Province of Quebec, of all Canadians, of everybody in North America, of everyone on the surface of the Earth, of any living thing in the solar system, of any member of the 3rd Spiral Arm of our Galaxy, of any existing entity in the entire Milky Way, and come to think of it, why not also include altogether every single being in the whole universe. This is, of course, to the exclusion of Groo and my cat, who are too stupid to have an opinion. Since this leaves the whole rest of the multiverse with other opinions, it shows that my opinion is the same as a minority of people. CQFD. ================================================================================ From: mcmullen@leland.Stanford.EDU (Amy Elizabeth McMullen) Newsgroups: rec.arts.disney Organization: DSG, Stanford University, CA 94305, USA I thought I thought a thought, but the thought I thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much! ================================================================================ From: aldavi01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu (Arlie Davis) Newsgroups: misc.misc Organization: University of Louisville > Jesus Christ frees all, men and women, from being slaves to this world. > [remainder of typical misposted ranting deleted] Jesus attempts to free a free inode! Jesus panics! ================================================================================ From: ken@uxc.cso.uiuc.edu (Thingfish) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana NA NA NA NA NA NAA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NAAAAA -J Geils band (Centerfold) LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAA - the Smurfs A mere coincidence? I think not! ================================================================================ From: crunch@hogbbs.scol.pa.us (Travis Prebble) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.movies Organization: The Heart of Gold BBS, Lemont PA TARDIS Express: When it absolutely, positively has to be there yesterday. ================================================================================ From: don@zl2tnm.gen.nz Newsgroups: vmsnet.internals Organization: The Wolery "Virtual memory! Now I'm gonna have a REALLY BIG RAMdisk!" Don Stokes, ZL2TNM (DS555) don@zl2tnm.gen.nz (home) Network Manager, Computing Services Centre don@vuw.ac.nz (work) Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand +64-4-495-5052 ================================================================================ From: awells@fenris.claremont.edu (Adam "Servo" Wells) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.games Organization: Harvey Mudd College, Claremont CA Waitress: Try Windows. That's not got much DOS in it. |Adam B. Wells Woman: But I don't want _any_ DOS! |Harvey Mudd College Man: I'll have your DOS. I love it! |Claremont, CA, USA (singing) DOS, DOS, DOS, DOS, DOS, DOS, DOS +-------------------- Waitress: Bloody 'ackers. | DON'T PANIC! ================================================================================ From: 6500sws@ucsbuxa.ucsb.edu (Susan W. Stockwell) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current Twice five syllables, Plus seven, can't say much -- but... That's haiku for you. D. Hofstadter ================================================================================ From: farley@access.digex.net (Charles U. Farley) Newsgroups: vmsnet.networks.desktop.pathworks,vmsnet.misc Organization: Express Access Online Communications USA: 800-546-2010 I came, I saw, ... I did serious damage. ================================================================================ From: tp0x+@cs.cmu.edu (Thomas Price) Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.pro Organization: School of Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon >As long as we're talking about successful coaches, has anyone suggested >the "Noll Division" for the AFC Central? /div/noll? It doesn't really have a ring to it. ================================================================================ From: jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (Joel Furr) Newsgroups: news.groups,alt.religion.kibology Organization: Virginia Center for Lemur Fandom In a small room filled with typography, In downtown Boston, Dread Kibo sits grepping. ================================================================================ From: dave@cs.arizona.edu (Dave Schaumann) Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current Organization: University of Arizona There's a sucker born every minute, and then he gets net.access. ================================================================================ From: vinson@aa.wl.com (John Vinson) Newsgroups: alt.flame Organization: Warner-Lambert Parke-Davis Research Heisenberg may have been here - U.C. Berkeley graffito ================================================================================ From: CHL701S@vma.smsu.edu Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.misc Organization: SouthWest Mo State Univ It's 106 light-years to Chicago, we've got a full chamber of anti-matter, a half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing visors. Engage. ================================================================================ From: zmyd02@hou.amoco.com (Meredith Denton) Newsgroups: alt.flame Organization: Amoco Wave if you know Schroedinger. ================================================================================ From: John Schulien (u2118@uicvm.bitnet), jym@mica.berkeley.edu (Jym Dyer) Newsgroups: alt.tv.simpsons __----~~~~~~~~~~~------___ . . ~~//====...... __--~ ~~ -. \_|// |||\\ ~~~~~~::::... /~ ___-==_ _-~o~ \/ ||| \\ _/~~- __---~~~.==~||\=_ -_--~/_-~|- |\\ \\ _/~ _-~~ .=~ | \\-_ '-~7 /- / || \ / .~ .~ | \\ -_ / /- / || \ / / ____ / | \\ ~-_/ /|- _/ .|| \ / |~~ ~~|--~~~~--_ \ ~==-/ | \~--===~~ .\ ' ~-| /| |-~\~~ __--~~ |-~~-_/ | | ~\_ _-~ /\ / \ \__ \/~ \__ _--~ _/ | .-~~____--~-/ ~~==. ((->/~ '.|||' -_| ~~-/ , . _|| -_ ~\ ~~---l__i__i__i--~~_/ _-~-__ ~) \--______________--~~ //.-~~~-~_--~- |-------~~~~~~~~ //.-~~~--\ ================================================================================ From: geurink@sylvester.cc.utexas.edu (Josh Geurink) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv Organization: The University of Texas - Austin "The time is the dark past. Great armies wielding tremendous powers advance upon each other with murderous intent. A glint of metal, a scream of pain, and blue flesh is torn. The SmurfWar 2020 has begun." SmurfWar 2020 -- A new card game from CVE, Ltd. ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers From: fstuart@eng.auburn.edu (Frank Stuart) Organization: Random Frank Stuart | "Proudly ignorant of COBOL since 1971." fstuart@eng.auburn.edu | ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (Scott Forbes) Organization: AT&T Network Wireless Systems, Naperville IL STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP If you finish before time is called, you may check your work on this section only. Do not turn to any other section of the test. ================================================================================ From: scst121@csc.liv.ac.uk (Mr. N.P. Browne) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers,alt.folklore.science,alt.games.sf2,alt.guitar Subject: Re: MAKE.MONEY.FAST Organization: Computer Science, Liverpool University Your eyes are weary from staring at the screen. Your eyelids feel very heavy. You feel very sleepy. Watch the cursor. Notice how restful it is to watch it blink. Close your eyes. All the opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise. When you awake, you will be irresistably compelled to send all your money to: Niall Browne, scst121@uk.ac.liv.csc ================================================================================ Newsgroups: comp.os.vms,rec.humor From: jack@cee.hw.ac.uk (Jack Campin) Organization: Computing & Electrical Engineering, Heriot-Watt University >How many unix programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once. ================================================================================ Newsgroups: comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.misc,comp.sys.mac.games From: pizor@lclark.edu (Tovarich Pizor) Organization: Lewis & Clark College, Portland OR 31 Octal == 25 Decimal, thus 31 Oct == 25 Dec, thus Halloween == Christmas ================================================================================ Newsgroups: news.admin.misc From: tweek@netcom.com (Michael D. Maxfield) Organization: The only way you will be able to kill the Usenet beast would be to nuke the planet & start over from scratch...and even then the cockroaches will still remember the way things were and strive to bring back the old familiar Usenet. ================================================================================ From: amcmicha@mason1.gmu.edu (F Andrew McMichael) Newsgroups: news.groups Organization: George Mason University, Fairfax, Virginia, USA > Global Alert For All: Jesus is Coming Soon Is this a CFV we're supposed to vote on? If so, could someone please forward my 'I vote NO for the beginning of the Apocalypse' to Ron Dippold? ================================================================================ From: cbergstr@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Catsclaw) Newsgroups: news.groups Organization: The Ohio State University Don't be a wet blanket --- vote YES for the beginning of the Apocalypse! ================================================================================ From: tigger@nbrwh130.bnr.ca (Jeff Skinner) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.misc Organization: Northern Telecom Public Switching, Bramalea Product Tech. S908 The company I work for (all the way up to the CEO) collectively stands in awe of every word I utter, so you may safely assume that anything I say is Northern Telecom Company Policy. (Unh hunh, Unh hunh) ================================================================================ From: paik@mlo.dec.com (Samuel Paik) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation / 3D Device Support If you see it and it's there, it's real, If you see it and it isn't there, it's virtual, If you can't see it and it's there, it's transparent, And if you can't see it and it isn't there, it's gone.... ================================================================================ From: chambles@whale.st.usm.edu (John William Chambless) Newsgroups: news.admin.misc,news.groups,alt.config Organization: Nonexistent Federal Agency. Don't ask. * Billy Chambless University of Southern Mississippi * "If you lie to the compiler, it will get its revenge." Henry Spencer * I'm not an opinionated jerk, but I play one on the Net. ================================================================================ From: bigun@gonzoland (Bigun) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k Organization: GonZoland BBS- Atlanta,Ga 404-974-5767 "Bother," said Pooh as he received his Compuserve bill. ================================================================================ From: pali151@netcom.com (Brian Seitzman) Newsgroups: alt.non.sequitur Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest) The meek shall inherit the Earth. The rest of us shall escape to the stars. And we men will *still* refuse to ask directions. ================================================================================ From: howard@netcom.com (Howard Berkey) Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.games,alt.christnet.games Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest) "OhSpeedwatchoutherecomesyouroldfoeRacerX!!!" - Trixie ================================================================================ From: dbd@martha.utcc.utk.edu (David DeLaney) Newsgroups: control Organization: U. Tenn. Knoxville/Physics Dept. Dave "getting more semi-humorless" DeLaney ================================================================================ From: cchapman@matd.gatech.edu (Charles H. Chapman) Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology She really wasn't my type -- a hard-looking, untalented reporter for the local cat box liner; but the first second that third-rate representative of the fourth-estate cracked open a fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a 10th grader drowning in an 11th-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and while humming the '12th of Never,' I got lucky on Friday the 13th. -- William Ocheltree ================================================================================ From: jaguar@claw.wimsey.com (Jeremy Reimer) Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-dahmus,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.jeremy-reimer BAFF: "That does it. I'm creating alt.fan.killfiles" Tim Pierce: "It's a stupid idea." Joel Furr: "It's a stupid idea, and I just newgrouped it." ================================================================================ From: at425@yfn.ysu.edu (Tom Salyers) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k Organization: St. Elizabeth Hospital, Youngstown, OH Tom Salyers "Now is the Windows of our disk contents IRCnick: Aqualung made glorious SimEarth by this Sun of Zork." Denver, CO ---Richard v3.0 ================================================================================ From: arp@shell.portal.com (Andy Patrizio) Newsgroups: alt.games.doom Organization: Portal Communications Company Andy Patrizio | I am OS/2mandius, King of Kludges! arp@shell.portal.com | Look upon my R&D costs, IBM, and despair! ================================================================================ From: chambles@whale.st.usm.edu (John William Chambless) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c Organization: University of Southern Mississippi exercise for extra credit: write a complete Pascal compiler _entirely_ in Pascal. (NOTE: do not commit seppuku) ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.sex.movies From: marci@sysop.corp.sgi.com (Marc Ishii) Organization: Silicon Graphics Inc. Information Services/DCO Marc Ishii "If patience is a virtue, and ignorance is bliss, marci@sgi.com you can have a pretty good life if you're stupid and willing to wait" ================================================================================ Newsgroups: sci.military From: z1dan@exnet.iastate.edu (Dan Sorenson) Organization: DoD * Vikings? There ain't no vikings here. Just us honest farmers. * * The town was burning, the villagers were dead. They didn't need * * those sheep anyway. That's our story and we're sticking to it. * ================================================================================ From: adrian@ada1.elan.af.mil (L. Adrian Griffis) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c Organization: Edwards Airforce Base Telling us that Pascal is better because it's easier for new programmers is like telling Greg LeMond that a bicycle with training wheels is better because it's easier to learn how to ride; he may not argue with you, but you know what he's going to be thinking. ================================================================================ From: dglass@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu (doug glass) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: University of Kansas Academic Computing Services Sorry, I fell asleep in physics the day we were discussing the plausibility of LSH plots. :) But bringing part of a white dwarf star into the multilab is, well, bad. That much I do know. ================================================================================ From: vilain@netcom.com (Michael Vilain) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: Alchemist's Lair "His code never ran fast enough" "He thought my pocket protector was sexy" "Fantasy is the art of not being so picky" "Click me, drag me, drop me...Treat me like an object" ..............from the confessions of a High-tech Queen ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: University of Waterloo "If you say Microsoft and networking in the same sentence, you experience cognitive dissonance." --James Manzi, Lotus CEO ================================================================================ From: ddg@cci.com (D. Dale Gulledge) Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.cobol,alt.folklore.computers I'll be on the October 1999 - March 2000 programmers' hiking tour in Nepal. ================================================================================ From: dsiebert@icaen.uiowa.edu (Doug Siebert) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: Iowa Computer Aided Engineering Network, University of Iowa Doug Siebert | I have a proof that everything I have stated above dsiebert@isca.uiowa.edu | is true, but this .sig is too small to contain it. ================================================================================ From: Phil Foglio Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd Organization: XXXenophile The following are not trademarked by TSR, Inc., but would be if they could; dungeon, dragon, dungeon master, game master, elf, wizard, demon, monster, paladin, gypsy, bard, minstrel, monk, jester, gnome, dwarf, knight, druid, hermit, ranger, witch, familiar, warrior, bandit, unicorn, fighter, mage, thief, assassin, cleric, adventurer, centaur, griffin, basilisk, sphinx, gorgon, troll, ogre, giant, hydra, manticore, golem, zombie, man-eating plant, alien, cannibal, werewolf, mummy, vampire, lawyer, weapon, sword, flail, shield, axe, mace, spear, knife, Swiss army knife, armor, helmet, gloves, leather, chain, plate, iron, steel, forge, blacksmith, good, evil, neutral, chaotic, combat, win, lose, draw, tournament, role playing game, board, dice, box, rule book, module, accessory, expansion set, fight, play, book, scroll, runes, spell, magic, enchantment, curse, geas, vow, quest, adventure, scenario, fantasy, myth, mythos, prize, loot, reward, gold, silver, bronze, brass, copper, lead, miniatures, wench, tavern, inn, innkeeper, guard, town, fort, fortress, keep, crypt, city, palace, citadel, lair, cave, cavern, labyrinth, maze, tunnel, trap, booby trap, reward, treasure, jewel, gem, diamond, ruby, emerald, sapphire, topaz, zircon, curse, bless, revive, resurrect, damn, communicate, ghost, exorcise, god, devil, priestess, priest, acolyte, worshipper, religion, pantheon, Deus ex machina, church, alter [sic], cathedral, shrine, sacrament, rites, donation, tribute, contract, pentagram, candle, crystal ball, key, lockpick, torch, backpack, rope, tinderbox, sack, map, compass, food, water, wine, ale, potion, poison, ring, amulet, sigil, crest, device, standard, flag, country, king, queen, emperor, empress, duke, duchess, baron, baroness, chief, chieftan, boss, mayor, government, lord, lady, judge, jury, executioner, man, woman, kingdom, nation, satrap, fellowship, party, group, band, alliance, alternate dimension, reality, world, planet, universe, Earth. (whew!) ================================================================================ From: mikes@forte.com (Mike Schilling) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: Forte Software Inc. Half the fun of this group is watching Jerry, Carl, and Ehud play good cop, bad cop, and psychotic cop. ================================================================================ From: bmarcum@iglou.iglou.com (Bill Marcum) Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.cobol,alt.folklore.computers Organization: IgLou Internet Services "My stars, it's full of dogs!" --- 2001 Dalmatians ================================================================================ From: esv@panix.com (Eric S. Vallone) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and Unix, NYC "Frankly, I don't see a problem Joel. I've just surrounded myself with an endless horde of mindless disciples ready to go forth and do my bidding. I guess I don't see a downside." --- Tom Servo ================================================================================ From: dave@gilly.uucp (Dave Fischer) Newsgroups: alt.usage.english,alt.folklore.computers Organization: Flat Earth Liberation Front Against Television vi: the user-friendliness of TECO, minus the power. ================================================================================ From: whsudder@hamlet.uncg.edu (WILLIAM H. SUDDERTH) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Organization: The University of North Carolina at Greensboro William Sudderth | Marrying Shannon: April 1996 Indentured Servant Teaching Assistant | Finishing thesis: May 1996 Somewhere in North Carolina | Drinking heavily: June, July, August UNC-Chapel Hill, Class of '92 | I believe in planning ahead. ================================================================================ From: gleason@mwk.com (Lee K. Gleason) Newsgroups: comp.org.decus Organization: M. W. Kellogg, Houston TX I often reflect that if "privileges" had been called "responsibilities" or "duties", I would have saved thousands of hours explaining to people why they were only gonna get them over my dead body. ================================================================================ From: martin@abacus.mc.duke.edu (Michele Martin) Newsgroups: alt.tv.highlander Organization: Duke University, Durham, NC, USA Evil Guest Immortal: "I have you now, MacLeod." Duncan MacLeod: "I admit it, you are better than I am." EGI: "Then why are you smiling?" MacLeod: "Because I know something you don't know." EGI: "And what is that?" MacLeod: "*I* am the star of this show." ================================================================================ From: winalski@gemgrp.enet.dec.com (Paul S. Winalski) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation Furthermore, [your wishlist item] would end up being the sort of system feature that we in software engineering call an "SPR generator". ================================================================================ From: docjoe@interramp.com (Joe Ragosta) Newsgroups: rec.games.programmer,comp.sys.mac.advocacy Microsoft Network is prohibited from redistributing this work in any form, in whole or in part. Copyright, Joseph Ragosta, 1995. License to distribute this post is available to Microsoft for $1000. Posting without permission constitutes an agreement to these terms. Please send notices of violation to Postmaster@microsoft.com. ================================================================================ From: d_north@tditx.com (David G. North, CCP) Newsgroups: vmsnet.mail.mx Organization: TECSys Development Inc., Dallas, TX Pilot's motto: "Lose not thine airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee" ================================================================================ From: jayw@idsoftware.com (Jay Wilbur) Newsgroups: rec.games.computer.doom.misc Organization: Id Software The official release date of all id's products: AS SOON AS IT IS FINISHED! ================================================================================ From: cuyler@delphi.com (Director) Newsgroups: alt.sex.movies Organization: Delphi (info@delphi.com email, 800-695-4005 voice) Where it's always September somewhere on the net ================================================================================ From: bergb@explorer.sasknet.sk.ca Newsgroups: rec.games.computer.doom through the modem, over the phone line, past the access provider... nothin' but Net. ================================================================================ From: nmehl@poblano.near.net (Nathan J. Mehl) Newsgroups: news.groups Organization: BBN Planet Corporation, Cambridge, MA If you think I speak for my employer, they'll be happy to correct you. ================================================================================ From: Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.bc.ca (Charlie Gibbs) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built umop-ap!sdn. ================================================================================ From: kadie@eff.org (Carl M. Kadie) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: Electronic Frontier Foundation Usenet: No one uses it any more; it's too crowded ================================================================================ From: aax@ix.netcom.com (Andrew Grygus) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers,comp.os.*.advocacy Organization: Netcom - For Intel, arrogance is a natural function, like breathing. - For Microsoft, arrogance is a tool of world conquest. - For Apple, arrogance is an art form. - For IBM, arrogance is a fond memory. ================================================================================ From: Michel.Eftimakis@vlsi.com Newsgroups: alt.fan.warlord __,___________________________________________________________________________ _(_c__File____Edit____Font____Size____Style____________________?____AsciiArt__ ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::| About Me |:::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::|----------|::::(___)::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::| Help |::Mike's HD: :::Michel.Eftimakis@sophia.europe.vlsi.com::::::::::::|__________|:::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ================================================================================ From: bill@alfalfa.pas.rochester.edu (Bill VanRemmen) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: University of Rochester Computing Center Oh, I'm a sysadmin, and I'm okay. | Bill VanRemmen, KA2WFJ I work all night and I work all day. | bill@pas.rochester.edu I knock back Cokes, I skip my lunch, | http://www.pas.rochester.edu/~bill I'm glued to the VDT! | ================================================================================ From: su001d@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Philip Unwin) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips Organization: University of Rochester - Rochester, New York * You have been graced with this message by the great, magnificient, * * godly leader of all men, first among equals, S. PHILIP UNWIN.... * * ...You may kiss the monitor. * ================================================================================ From: long@turtle.frco.com (John D. Long) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: Fisher Rosemount, Austin, Texas Any views expressed are all my own work, arrived at over many years of making choices (mistakes) and getting feedback (system crashes). ================================================================================ From: corun@access2.digex.net (Corun MacAnndra) Newsgroups: digex.general Organization: Express Access Online Communications, Greenbelt, MD USA Corun MacAnndra | Over the router and through the bridge Dark Horde by birth | To Grandmother's page we go Moritu by choice | ================================================================================ From: rdippold@qualcomm.com (Ron "Asbestos" Dippold) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips Organization: QUALCOMM, Incorporated; San Diego, CA, USA When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike. But then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. ================================================================================ From: wayne@tachyon.com (Wayne Sewell) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: Tachyon Software Consulting > Un*x causes brain damage....... It has not been determined whether Un*x causes brain damage or is a result of brain damage. It's a chicken-or-egg situation. ================================================================================ From: ujsi@rz.uni-karlsruhe.de (Peter Zerfass) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd Organization: University of Karlsruhe, Germany "Who is General Failure? And why is he reading my disk!?" ================================================================================ From: aleistra@leland.Stanford.EDU (Andrea Lynn Leistra) Newsgroups: soc.support.youth.gay-lesbian-bi Organization: Stanford University, CA 94305, USA Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts. ================================================================================ From: Shez@sv.span.com Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: AISB Luxuriantly hand-crafted from only the finest ASCII characters. ================================================================================ From: Shez@sv.span.com Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Organization: AISB Subject: Neat error messages Fatal error --- press F13 to recover Smash forehead on keyboard to continue New Mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N) Stack overflow: Too many pancakes. Meal halted. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Floppy not responding, Format HARD DRIVE instead Y/N? The impossible has happened. ================================================================================ From: HARTMANN@sscl.uwo.ca Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd Organization: University of Western Ontario Don't bother flaming me, ashes don't respond. ================================================================================ From: ckd@loiosh.kei.com (Christopher Davis) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Dendarii Free Mercenary Fleet, Earth Office People on the net are always telling other people to "get a life." It would be so much simpler if there were one available under the GPL. "If you use this life, you must tell other people where to get a life of their own." ================================================================================ From: nsauer@unlinfo.unl.edu Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.misc Nancy M. Sauer <*> "Then you will come to think of things in Disciple of Bread Do: a wide sense and, taking the dough as the The Way of the Way, you will see the Way is dough. Flour Warrior In the dough there is virtue, and no evil." ================================================================================ From: cheesemn@dilbert.lrmi.com (Frank Cheeseman) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.misc I repeated this one to a martial artist friend. He loved it, and asked if I was familiar with Chi-Ching, the Art of Budda... chi-ching buddabuddabuddabudda... ================================================================================ From: blanchard@nmsnp5.nmsu.edu (Sean Blanchard) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.misc Organization: Physics Department, New Mexico State University Of course, Chi-Ching is merely a modern --- although powerful --- variation on the ancient Chinese art of Gun-Fu. It is said that Gun-Fu masters can kill a man by merely pointing at him. Some of them can kill their opponents from as far away as a kilometer. Now that's a powerful chi! Many different styles of Gun-Fu are practiced throughout the world, including .45ACP, .357mag, .44mag, and 5.56mmNATO. Mixing styles is considered very dangerous to the practitioner, except in special cases (i.e., 5.56NATO and .223). ================================================================================ From: blanchard@nmsnp5.nmsu.edu (SEAN BLANCHARD) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.misc Organization: Physics Department, New Mexico State University "That which does not kill us, must have missed us." - Miowara Tomokato ================================================================================ From: blanchard@nmsnp5.nmsu.edu (SEAN BLANCHARD) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.misc Organization: Physics Department, New Mexico State University If "No matter where you go there you are.", then I must always know where I am. However, if I know where I am, I know nothing about my velocity. So I guess I'm outta here. ================================================================================ From: devlin1@opus.freenet.vancouver.bc.ca (Michael D. Olson) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd Organization: Vancouver Regional FreeNet +-------------------devlin1@freenet.vancouver.bc.ca------------------+ |Check out my nonexistent web page at: | +--------------------------------------------------------------------+ ================================================================================ From: frankjr@neca.com (Thor T. Thor) Newsgroups: alt.sex.movies Organization: NECAnet If I ever decide to commit suicide, I'm not going to blow my head off. I think I'm just going to go around pissing people off till somebody kills me. That's the way Frank Sinatra would do it. ================================================================================ From: mtmr@walsh.dme.battelle.org (M[tm] 'Matt trademark' Walsh) Newsgroups: alt.games.doom Organization: Battelle "Standing on a hill in the mountains of dreams, telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard, as it seems." My mailer limits my sig to 4 lines. But I ingeniously bypassed this problem by ================================================================================ From: hammond_g@drkclu.meng.ucl.ac.uk (G. Ruth Hammond) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c ~GuyRuthHammond () {} falstaff@xs4all.nl (Falstaff) wrote: Say, this .signature of yours tells me you won't listen to anybody (take no inputs) and that you do nothing (empty block). Is this something you really want people to know? ================================================================================ From: jswitzer@aimnet.com (John Switzer) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.strips Organization: Aimnet Corp. John Switzer | Time travellers: looking for a discrete front man | for your investments in this localtime? Call me! jswitzer@limbaugh.com | I'm willing to take my cut from parallel investments! ================================================================================ From: bradds@ix.netcom.com (Bradd W. Szonye) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c,comp.lang.c++,rec.games.programmer Organization: Doubleplus Corporation "To chill or to pop a cap in my dome, whoomp, there it is." -- Snoop Hamlet-Ham, Street-Prince of Denmark ================================================================================ From: traveler@empire.net (Ned Brickley) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Empire.net, Inc It has been determined that you can get far more cooperation from a luser by using a kind word and a 2x4 than with a kind word alone ================================================================================ Crbcyr jub pna'g ernq ebg13 fubhyq or onaarq sebz gur arg. ================================================================================ From: peter@petermc.demon.co.uk (Peter McDermott) Newsgroup: demon.service I offer to pay you in "clue", coin of the cyberrealm. ================================================================================ From: jiml@teleport.com (Jim Little) Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy Organization: Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016 These questions, and more, answered in the next edition of comp.os.os2.advocacy, "Where the women are absent, the men have no life, and the children post daily." (Brought to you by asbestos'n'milk biscuits.) ================================================================================ From: jdfalk@cyberNOTHING.org (J.D. Falk) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: cyberNOTHING ---------============== J.D. Falk ============--------- | There Is No Cabal[TM]. | | And if there was, they'd have better things to control than Usenet. | ----========== http://www.cybernothing.org/jdfalk/home.html ==========---- ================================================================================ From: dan@tree.spectra.net (D. S. Ritter) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Spectra.Net (607) 798-7300 "We did that, (well almost that), but it didn't work." - someone else ================================================================================ From: lgoldste@ladc.lockheed.com (Lee Ann Goldstein, Network Administrator) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Lockheed Martin Skunk Works, F-117A Avionics Division I'm what passes for a Unix guru in my office. This is a frightening concept. ================================================================================ From: allan stojanovic Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery [X] Safeguard this e-mail; it is an important historical document [ ] Delete after reading - subversive literature [ ] Ignore and continue what you were doing before reading this ================================================================================ From: mike@cobuild.collins.co.uk (Michael Ashton) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Cobuild Ltd. A project in lexical computing. heart > mind > matter So where do matters of the heart fit into the equation? ================================================================================ From: rsholmes@hydra.syr.EDU (Rich Holmes) Newsgroups: mindspring.discussion, alt.fan.warlord This .sig is meant for educational purposes only. Send no money now. Ask your doctor or pharmacist. To prevent electric shock, do not open back panel. No user serviceable parts inside. You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from country to country. Not recommended for children under twelve years of age. Batteries not included. Limit 1 per customer. Does not come with any other figures. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Keep away from open flame or spark. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. All rights reserved. List each check separately by bank number. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. Parental discretion advised. No other warranty expressed or implied. Unauthorized copying of this .sig strictly prohibited. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. In case of eye contact, flush with water. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Shipping and handling extra. No animals were harmed in the production of this .sig. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. Freshest if consumed before date on carton. Prices subject to change without notice. Times approximate. No postage necessary if mailed in Singapore. If swallowed, do not induce vomiting Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. We reserve the right to limit quantities. One size fits all. 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Prices subject to change without notice. Do not write below this line. Time lock safe, clerk cannot open. At participating locations only. Serial numbers must be visible. Align parts carefully, then bond. Falling rock zone. Keep out of reach of children. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Check paper path. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Penalty for early withdrawal. Sign here without admitting guilt. No solicitors. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Storage temperature: -30 C (-22 F) to 40 C (104 F). Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. No purchase necessary. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. Extinguish all pilot lights. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated areas. Replace with same type. Accessories sold separately. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. Hard hat area. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Adults 18 and over only. Detach and keep for your reference. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. Demo package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before deciding. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. This supersedes all previous notices. Tag not to be removed under penalty of law. ================================================================================ "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die." -Roy Batty, _BladeRunner_ "I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab. I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate. All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week. Time to die..." -Peter Gutman ================================================================================ From: genew@shuswap.net (Gene Wirchenko) Newsgroups: comp.lang.c.moderated Organization: MIND LINK! - British Columbia, Canada C Pronunciation Guide: y=x++; "wye equals ex plus plus semicolon" x=x++; "ex equals ex doublecross semicolon" ================================================================================ From: sean@fastnet.co.uk (Sean B Purdy) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Television is a medium. Proof: 1) it is not rare. 2) it is not well done. Q.E.D. - Robert Bonomi ================================================================================ From: morgan@engr.uky.edu (Wes Morgan) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Kentucky College of Engineering, Lexington, KY USA "Ho! Ha Ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Thrust! *TWONG!*" --- Daffy Duck or a Usenet 'debate', take your pick... ================================================================================ From: hoffman@xdelta.enet.dec.com (Stephen Hoffman) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: Digital Equipment Corp The reversal of the Purdy polynomial is mathematically challenging. ================================================================================ From: dmacks@netspace.org (Daniel Macks) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Brown University It's a Good Thing (tm) to bury lusers --- I hear that deep down, they're really nice people. ================================================================================ From: dmacks@netspace.org (Daniel Macks) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Brown University #include #exclude ================================================================================ From: udsd007@dsibm.okladot.state.ok.us (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Brown University We are indeed tight-assed tyrannical bastards, but we prefer to be referred to as Bastard Operators From Hell, and we have had much more experience dealing with people like you than you have had dealing with people like us. After all, we do it for a living, there are more of us than there are of you, and we stick together. ================================================================================ From: hoffman@xdelta.enet.dec.com (Stephen Hoffman) Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Organization: Digital Equipment Corp >Send me email instead of posting, I don't read this newsgroup much. Ask a question here, get it answered here. ================================================================================ From: jhobson@ceco.ceco.com (John Hobson) Newsgroups: comp.edu,comp.lang.ada,comp.lang.c,comp.unix.programmer Organization: Commonwealth Edison I have had exposure to assembler, and I feel towards it much as Martin Luther felt towards monasticism. After he broke with Rome, Luther damned monasteries and all that they stood for, but he also said that he was glad that he had had the experience. ================================================================================ From: jeff@farside.crgazette.com (Jeff Fisher) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: The Cedar Rapids Gazette, Cedar Rapids, IA An employer once said, "What if I train my people and they leave?" I say, "What if you don't train them..... and they stay?" ================================================================================ From: scott@laird.com (Scott Laird) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Very Little. "But this goes to 18,446,744,073,709,551,615" - Nigel on his new 64-bit computer ================================================================================ From: john@tcp.net.uk (John Vaughan) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Total Connectivity Providers - Internet access for the UK Checking how std your stdio is... Your stdio acts pretty std. ================================================================================ From: rone@netcom.com (sinister dextrose) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Bland & Uninspiring Boredom Consulting "I AM ZIMM-HOLIO! NEED PGP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!" ================================================================================ From: jguthrie@brokersys.com (Jonathan Guthrie) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Information Broker Systems Internet Services "Hello," the salesman lied. ================================================================================ From: eric@winternet.com (Eric Pederson) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Eric Conspiracy Secret Labs "| <- You must be smarter than this stick to ride the Internet" - Mike Handler, paraphrased from Bev White ================================================================================ From: bv@bigblue.no (B. Vermo) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.science, rec.arts.sf.written Now on offer: Unlimited grace! Offer limited to one per customer. Not valid if customer died BC. Void where prohibited by other religion. Distributed only by official agents in Apostolic Succession. Beware of counterfeits! ================================================================================ From: sewiv@izzy.net (Sanford E. Walke IV) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Organization: Isthmus Corporation "Fatty tissue, convolutions, chemicals and tiny lightning....this is all my head has to work with, so I cut it a lot of slack." -- JT ================================================================================ From: mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca (Michael McAleese) michael@angmar.dataflux.bc.ca? Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.dnd Organization: Those Dudes Playdough the paladin collapsed to the floor and clasped his hands over his face. In a low voice that probably only the ranger might have heard he said, "When I get out of here I's gonna kill everyone in the party what's not wearing armour." "Amen." said Rodent. --- Dingbat the Monk and the Brooch ================================================================================ From: rkadel@course2.harvard.edu (Rachel Meredith Kadel) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts WARNING: A violation of US law is about to occur. Please avert your eyes. "tits" Ok, you can look now. http://www.eff.org/blueribbon.html ================================================================================ From: kaos@earthlink.net (Darren L. Gasser) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Premier America FCU Darren L. Gasser | Systems Analysis is the process of finding exactly d_gasser@a1.premier.org | the right wrench to pound in the correct screw. ================================================================================ From: stevep@islandnet.com (Steve Pridgeon) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Organization: Island Net in Victoria, B.C. Canada is .sig has been modified. It has been reformatted to fit your scre ================================================================================ Newsgroups: comp.lang.c From: hoh@lorelei.approve.se (Goran Larsson) Organization: [1] + 5934 done /bin/rm -rf ~/ & It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 ================================================================================ From: slavins@hearsay.demon.co.uk (Simon Slavin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: International Cocaine Importers, Ltd. This isn't much of a .sig, but then that wasn't much of a post. ================================================================================ From: durrell@best.com (Bryant Durrell) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Semiotic Marines, Altoid Squad In four lines, I can just barely tell you that I am Bryant Durrell, that my email address is durrell@innocence.com, that I have a Web page at (of course) http://www.innocence.com/~durrell, that I also run Shadowfist and Feng Shui Web pages accessible from the above URL, and by the time I'm done I'm out of ================================================================================ From: drh92@aber.ac.uk (Dan Holdsworth) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: The Knights who say "NI!" It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning, it is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. ================================================================================ From: jmaslak@pobox.com (Joel Maslak) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Why does the computer seem to laugh when it says, "You have: 52 new voice mail messages?" ================================================================================ From: johan@mhoro.cc.columbia.edu (Johan M. Andersen) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Columbia University I don't feel this is useful information as I've basically told you nothing. ================================================================================ From: "Art Taylor" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Nobeltec Corp. [flavor of unix] is about as stable as a one-legged drunk with hypothermia in a four-hundred mile wind, balancing on a banana peel on a greased cookie sheet while someone throws him an elephant with bad breath and a worse temper. ================================================================================ From: cdrovers@calum.csclub.uwaterloo.ca (Chris Rovers) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Waterloo Computer Science Club ---------------- hit any user to continue ---------------- ================================================================================ From: artt@nobeltec.com (Art Taylor) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Nobeltec Corp. My switch for determining whether the phone will ring involves a pair of diagonal cutters. If the caller really needs to get to me, they'll convince the electrons to make the 2-inch leap across the gap to make the bell ring. ================================================================================ From: stevev@hexadecimal.uoregon.edu (Steve VanDevender) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Oregon USENET haiku: Take it somewhere else This thread does not belong here Death to crossposters ================================================================================ From: Gabriel Krabbe Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: None. A genius can master chaos. Confused? Call Counselor Troi at 1-900-NCC-1701: $1.95/minute ================================================================================ From: Steve VanDevender Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Oregon "bash awk grep perl sed df du, du-du du-du, vi troff su fsck rm * halt LART LART LART!" -- the Swedish BOFH ================================================================================ From: mjh53@cus.cam.ac.uk (M.Harrison) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Cambridge, England Once we've got the bugs ironed out, we'll be running on flat bugs ================================================================================ From: Michael Hinz Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery,arkane.replies Organization: University of Tromsoe, Norway In the force if Yoda is so good, then construct a sentence right order with words in the why can't he? ================================================================================ From: plambert@shell3.ba.best.com (Paul Lambert) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: BEST Internet Communications, Inc. --paul, who knows that the u.s.a. is the "linux" of countries. it's about as good as the rest, but everyone who has it thinks because it's new and it doesn't cost anything, they're so much better than everyone else. ================================================================================ From: crosby@nordsieck.cs.colorado.edu (Matthew Crosby) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Hold cricket bat in way that casually suggests that _I_ am among the problems, at least for him unless he doesn't fix it. ================================================================================ From: michael.peterson@flash.net (Michael W Peterson) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: FlashNet Communications ObASR: Like anything's Ob around here. ================================================================================ From: jddeshaw@aol.com (Jessi) Newsgroups: alt.tv.highlander Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Bye-bye article! Have fun posting to the newsgroup! Think it'll work? It'd take a miracle. BYE! ================================================================================ From: michael@padde.ser.fm.uit.no (Michael Hinz) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: You bet! Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. (For non-latiners: "I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.") ================================================================================ From: Jan Kujawa Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Legion of Dynamic Discord Heh! Bruce Campbell as a sysadmin! This is my BOOMSTICK! Now ... any of you ... primates wanna try fucking with my server? ================================================================================ From: srs@aol.net (Scott Spetalnik) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: loose, at best Scott Spetalnik | UNIX can be fun ... srs@aol.net | view;touch;unzip;finger;mount;yes;yes;yes;umount;sleep ================================================================================ From: tim@leaphome.demon.co.uk (Tim Franklin) Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery Organization: The Leap Home "There is no 56k standard. There is a roughly 50-50 chance that the modem you have bought will be redundant in six months. Welcome to the bleeding edge." ================================================================================ From: olc@tirith.cs.umass.edu (Ole Craig) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Massachusetts, Amherst touch ; finger ; unzip; strip ; mount ; mv ; core dump ; umount ; sleep ================================================================================ From: traveler@empire.net (Ned Brickley) Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery Organization: Empire.net, Inc Windows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition. ================================================================================ From: cwr@cts.com (Will Rose) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. --- Charles Babbage ================================================================================ From: david@brucehall20.anu.edu.au (David Gibson) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: The Australian National University David Gibson @ The Lorax | New from Microsoft... D.Gibson@bohm.anu.edu.au | THNEED 95 | Which everyone, Everyone, EVERYONE needs. ================================================================================ From: Joshua Goodall Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery Organization: Edinburgh Network Technologies, Ltd. ...I am not a number, I am a free(3) man(1) ================================================================================ From: Mark The Frazzled Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: (missing) You've slept 4 hours in 4 days...Your blood turned to | bofh@visi.com caffine yesterday...You change rechargable batteries |--------------------- in your pager twice daily...Your cell phone bill | Found: sysadmin job rivals the national debt...You're a sysadmin. | in D.M., IA area ================================================================================ From: the Bastard Operator from Hell Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: www.networkweek.com/bofh.shtml I locate the offending units and reprogram them repeatedly with a claw hammer. ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery From: cdrovers@csclub.uwaterloo.ca (Chris Rovers) Organization: University of Waterloo Computer Science Club OOOOOH! OOOOOOOH! We have our VERY OWN Freedom Knight to play with. ================================================================================ From: Stephen Edwards Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Anamorphic 3-D Graphics Inc. |[_] :| Stephen S. Edwards II | http://www.primenet.com/~rakmount | = :| Support the shareware authors... register your software! | | Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet. |_..._| LUSER: I have a problem. ADMIN: Keep talking... I'm reloading. ================================================================================ From: thorfinn@tertius.net.au (Thorfinn) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Unico Computer Systems Pty Ltd "One World, One Web, One Program" -- Microsoft Promotional Ad "Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" -- Adolf Hitler ================================================================================ From: rtd@notesguy.com (Rick Dickinson) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: USWeb Ace Paperbacks used to put out two novels in one volume...called "Ace Doubles," and were known for spectacular, eye catching titles....there's a claim that if Ace ever put out an edition of the Bible, they'd rename it, "War God of Ancient Israel" and "The Thing With Three Souls". --Joe Zeff ================================================================================ From: Tanuki the Raccoon-dog Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Incorporated Society of Usurers. Can i dial 1-255-255-255255 and make every phone in the world ring? ================================================================================ From: Nigel White mailto:nigel@synergex.com Newsgroups: comp.os.vms Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [ OK ] ================================================================================ From: adb@news.onramp.ca (Anthony DeBoer) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Onramp Network Services Inc. You didn't want software written by a calm, happy, non-paranoid individual to be answering port 25 anyway. ================================================================================ From: A.Phillips@lancaster.ac.uk Newsgroups: alt.editor.PFE Put three programmers in a room and you'll get five specifications for the ideal editor keyboard layout. ================================================================================ From: "Boyce, Nick" Newsgroups: samba-vms@samba.org Organization: EDS Healthcare, Bristol, UK "I sense much NT in you. NT leads to bluescreen, bluescreen leads to downtime, downtime leads to suffering. NT is the path to the darkside. Powerful Unix is." - Unknown Unix Jedi. ================================================================================ "If you make everything a life and death proposition you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot." ================================================================================ From: Mike Sphar Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Mr Booze's Fun-Time Carnival and Information Haus Me: /net/foo isn't being shared on your machine. It's not in the dfstab file. Luser: It doesn't need to be in the dfstab file to access it through /net. Me: Um, yes. Yes, it does need to be in there. /net is just an interface to NFS, not a Magic Fairy Directory of Power. ================================================================================ From: brian@karoshi.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: The Avant-Garde of the Now, Ltd. This is possibly, , but please to remember that the file will become unlocked when the power cord is deftly removed from said workstation. Cutting off the plug end of the power cord may provide helpful emphasis. ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery From: Jamie Bowden Organization: Internet Services Inc. Your affordable ISP. (3) "It was half way to Rivendell when the drugs began to take hold" Hunter S Tolkien "Fear and Loathing in Barad Dur" --- Iain Bowen ================================================================================ From: Kai Henningsen Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery There's a problem with driving a car in think fog. ================================================================================ From: Mike Sugimoto Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Center for Theatrical Physics If this is UI for you, I'm going to stop complaining about my job. ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery From: hellsop@ninehells.com (Peter H. Coffin) Organization: ExecPC Internet - Milwaukee, WI func tion X() {var Text = "HTML is not acceptable for using in mail " + "or usenet so your browser will stop."; alert(Text); parent.close();}; Hi ================================================================================ From: Patrick Dersjant Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Not In My Spare Time Understatement of the century: "Hello everybody out there using minix - I'm doing a (free) operating system (just a hobby, won't be big and professional like gnu) for 386(486) AT clones" - Linus Torvalds, august 1991. ================================================================================ "Click on the ... no no no! Don't click until I've told you what to -click- on, _sheesh_! Now, are you listening?" "Uh-huh..." "Did I say to click on a random clickbox?" "...Nuh-uh..." "Well, then, why did you -do- it?" "But you I nu for said I what you did click me on up that thing who there?!!!" ================================================================================ From: mbartley@netcom.com Thu Jul 20 17:00:38 2000 Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Mindspring/Netcom Online Services, Inc. This company has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, contact your vendor or appeal to a higher court. ================================================================================ VBScript is designed to be a secure programming environment. It lacks various commands that can be potentially damaging if used in a malicious manner. This added security is critical in enterprise solutions. -- support.microsoft.com ================================================================================ From: Tanuki the Raccoon-dog Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Catholic Taste - the monthly Magazine for discerning Clergy. Paul Tomko said >I don't think you can make it un-believer proof. I'm sure I could find the >word 'god' on just about any star map if I used a little imagination. But >I dont think that wouldn't convince you. When you say "Name spelled out in >stars", perhaps you mean clearly defined letter quality printed out >in the heavens, not cheap dot matrix quality. No doubt these days God would use something gross and unnecessary like a Shockwave animation or meretricious Javascript, and in doing so deny proof of His existence to all except those who have the right plugins... ================================================================================ From: arvidg@regina.uio.no (Arvid =?iso-8859-1?q?Gr=F8tting?=) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: would be welcome. Documentation: Cryptic, lacking, erroneous. Pick any three. ================================================================================ From: fun@thingy.apana.org.au (Red Drag Diva) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery >there's something about 11/11 which gets to me anyway. It's because it's about the poor bastards themselves, not the patriotic bullshit. ================================================================================ From: the.guy.with.the.sideburns@lasfs.org (Joe Zeff) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery "Always there are two, the BOFH and the PFY." ================================================================================ From: buhr@stat.wisc.edu (Kevin Buhr) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Wisconsin, Madison The world would be a lot better off if more people knew a lot less about HTML. ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Not in my right mind Matt McLeod staggered into the Black Sun and said: >They've come up with a brilliant new concept. No more "windows guy". >Instead, we are to have a virtual windows guy made up of the "spare" >time of the UNIX sysadmins. > >This means that either I get an exemption, am reclassified as something >other than a sysadmin, or find a new company. ... You're under the delusion that acting like an MCSE is some insanely difficult challenge? Well, maybe it is for the average one, who doesn't have a clue and does want Windoze to work, but that's two reasons you'll have a much easier time of it. Today on Handyman's Corner, we're going to take some ordinary dice, some Bondo to fill in the holes, a Dremel tool with a pointy bit to carve the words "REBOOT", "RETRY", and "REINSTALL" in the faces, and a bit of paint to make it look pretty. ITWDFYHTSALFYH. -- Anthony de Boer -- as seen at http://www.leftmind.net/~adb/ -- BOFH, eh? / "A priest is either a PFW on the ultimate support line, or a \ [ fraud adept at offering bogus answers to difficult problems ] \ while holding lusers at bay with arcane ritual." -- Malcolm Ray / ================================================================================ From: Ingvar the Grey Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Erisian Papal Council When C++ is your hammer, everything looks like a thumb (Latest seen from Steven M. Haflich, in c.l.l) ================================================================================ From: alan.frame@acm.org (Alan W. Frame) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Coder Of Fortune Greg Andrews wrote: > This group is Usenet Calvinball. I.e. we "display adaptability". There is no usenet cabalvinball. ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA : All the thunder and lightning, but now with 50% less theology. This religion is, of course, for those who seek the lite. ================================================================================ From: randy@bradakis.net (Randy the Random) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Bradakis Network Research Laboratories It was entirely html, and ended with the statement 'reply to unscibe@atbatt.c[deleted to protect the guilty]m' ================================================================================ From: Rebecca Ore Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Rebecca's Someday, when there's a convergence of time and money.... ================================================================================ From: Pim van Riezen Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: XS4ALL Internet BV Ok, so ipmasqadm doesn't actually do anything useful, but once activated it does make sure that it doesn't work anyway. Kill ipmasqadm config. ================================================================================ From: Eric The Read Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: hardly any to speak of "Hey, you're right. I don't want to call a destructor on my objects, I want to call a *destroyer*. Gozer has come for your memory, little PersistentNode!" -- Joel Gluth in ASR ================================================================================ From: Ben@lspace.org (Ben) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Subject: Re: I am sysadmin, I am worthless - LONG, sad, sorry :( Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2001 17:55:49 GMT Organization: Mephisto's Lab Approved: Unapproved: what's the difference? [This sounds like a rant at Wayne, but it's not, he's just a handy pronoun upon which to hang this post] In article Wayne Pascoe writes: > [snipped] > Now where from here? I'm 25 years old, I have an RHCE and 6 years > experience, and I am at the end of a road. Every time I move, it's for > the worse. Does it actually ever get tolerable, let alone good? Damn you man. You may be futher along the road and one year older than me (although I turn 25 in April), but your skills will stand you in better stead than mine currently do. I feel your pain, and I feel it in the personal way that any NT admin who knows he's in a dead-end job with little prospect of ever being worth a damn in that area of expertise but has no time or practical way of expanding his working knowledge to include Unix because "we don't use that here" would do. I want to be more than I am, but I can't, because NT sucks. It's shit. It may do what you want, but it doesn't do what I want and I'm not doing what I want. I don't want to be here, I want to be herding linux boxes. I want to be doing linux helpdesk for fucks sake! Anything but working with NT day in and day out with a few token illicit RedHat and FreeBSD boxes to keep myself from going insane. Every time _you_ move you may get something worse, but think on this; you're still not working with Windows, you're still keeping your knowledge up to date, you're not forgetting more than you learn about Unix and you're not thought of by your 'peers' (although you feel every one of them has more knowledge in their little finger thay you'll ever have because they get to say "NT batch file? Don't know that mate, but I can do it Perl for you in a few minutes") as an NT admin, not a proper sysadmin worth his salt in a discussion about glibc libraries and config scripts. And you're not responsible for planning the department's migration to Windows 2000 and have to drop it back for a year so your fucking no-brain users can have Eudora 5.0.2 and Office 2000 this summer, to break the panicking up into sizable easy to swallow chunks. You're not doing the 'training' either are you. I thought not. You work in a back room. Dear god how I'd love to do that. You get to work long hours on projects which amount to something. You go home after 21:00 or later knowing that even though you've worked your arse off to get something done, it's been done to the best of your ability and it's been done right. I'd love to work long hours where what I left at the end of the day was worth a damn. You remember NT don't you, I'll bet you still have the nightmares where you wake up on a Saturday morning after being at work at quarter to eleven on a Friday and think "Shit, I have to go into work to reboot the machine/tweak the config/the machine's crashed I know it has" because you did it RIGHT, you did it PROPERLY and in most cases the fucking OS didn't sit in the corner humming to itself and butting its head against the wall until the blood began to run in warm rivulets down the plaster. No, because you run something other than NT. Do you know how much fun I managed to wring out of installing and building Apache for Win32? It must have been illegal how much enjoyment I had configuring that damned thing with PROPER CONFIG FILES. I almost damned round the room when the OK came down to order some 3Com switches. The chance to use a commandline interface and set up something that would stay in that configuration and perform was almost too good to pass up. Because I hate Windows. I want to move to another job where I get to use a command line more than I use a mouse. The problem is that unless I take time off from my long working days, which are filled with the struggle to keep my three domains of machines running in the face of failing antivirus software and fuckwits who want to install AOL software on my LANed machines (can you say "no modem"?), to keep up to date with even a small amount of linux administration I'll never get a job which doesn't involve NT, BECAUSE I WON'T KNOW ENOUGH. Shit. Fucking ARSE. I'd be happy with a mixed environment gig. A little bit of linux (any flavour) some NT, samba, some NFS, basic Apache and most important of all, the chance to learn some scripting and support some machines. I believe there's nothing better than solving problems for learning how shit works on the inside. I'm anal retentive when it comes to tidiness. This overflows into liking clean machines, scripts that do exactly what they say on the tin and solutions which actually solve. Not that this is every totally achievable, but I like to try. I also believe in gutting the user, butchering and burning the remains, flamthrowering the area and sowing the ground with salt. But that's another story. You may think you have it bad, but always remember there's someone chained to the bottom of the pile of shit you are just managing to keep your head above. > Why am I even writing this? Who cares about my woe? Not me of late! I > don't even know what to do with myself in the rare time that I have > that I'm not working. I just sit, staring at the wall, waiting for the > next shift to kick in. The time I took writing this, I could have been > doing work that I'll have to do later. This goofing isn't like me. But > I just can't face this anymore. This rant was not aimed at you, you're more of a catalyst in this regard, a pressure valve. Thanks for letting me blow off again. It's been a long time. > I'm damned good at what I do. I learn fast. I work hard and long. But > I'm worthless. Because I don't wear a suit and yessir management. I'm damned good at what I know. I'd be BETTER at something I actively enjoyed and gave me a challenge to learn, rather than a challenge to continue to support because it's almost intentionally broken by Microsoft or some other pissant megacorp with their tongue firmly working its way between Microsoft's collective buttcheeks. Given a job where having to learn because something doesn't get done would be great. The only problem is that everywhere I know at the moment wants people who actually know how to support Unix _already_. How am I supposed to get into that? Learning stuff here can only do so much, nothing I do is actually _required_ for anything, so there's no demand. And like I said; when would I get the time to do anything heavy duty anyway? At home? Aren't I supposed to be recovering? > If anyone knows where from here, I'd love to know about it! Thanks for > reading. Don't flame the loser :( This was not intended as a flame, even if some of it reads like a personal attack on you. It's not. I'd apologise but my ire is up at the moment. I want another job. I want a job where I don't know everything and I have to refer to man pages. Where I have to search through other people's scripts in place and figure out what the hell they did, and make it better. I want a job where I'm thrown in at the deep end and someone comes to me and says "we need you to support $FOO within two weeks" and I know nothing about $FOO except someone told me it was "OK, but not great". And I have to go away and learn $FOO from the ground up, and then go and do a damned good job. Before I get there I'd be happy to work a phone for fuck's sake. Talk people through kernel compiles, take (lead) courses on the gubbins I do know. I don't know shit compared to most of the Unix admins I can name, and this depresses me utterly. I'm not a sysadmin, I'm a fucking install monkey for Microsoft. I don't support the box, I install shit, follow the wizard and try to break out of the routine by writing a few lines of ActivePerl to use the NT commandline every now and often. This isn't a life, it's barely a prison sentance. I don't want to be here, but it pays for Recovery. There's more, but frankly I can't be fucked Ben -- "I'm sorry, you must be confusing | For your top-notch JenniCam me with someone who gives a damn." | parody: http://bofhcam.org Abbot, Cambridge Chapter of the Monks of Cool since MCMXCVI a.d. ================================================================================ From: Ben@lspace.org (Ben) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Subject: Re: I am sysadmin, I am worthless - LONG, sad, sorry :( Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2001 17:55:49 GMT Organization: Mephisto's Lab Approved: Unapproved: what's the difference? "I'm not a sysadmin, I'm a fucking install monkey for Microsoft. I don't support the box, I install shit and follow the wizard." ================================================================================ From: stevo@madcelt.org Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organisation: As little as possible The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. ================================================================================ From: stevo@madcelt.org Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organisation: As little as possible Him: But... Me: Fuck off. Him: (takes breath) Me: Fuck off. Him: (looks like taking breath) Me: Fuck off. Fuck off. That was a pre-emptive fuck off. I have a whole bag of 'fuck off's here and I am willing to use them. ================================================================================ From: Pim van Riezen Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: XS4ALL Internet BV On 31 Jan 2001, [iso-8859-1] M?ns Nilsson wrote: > What? Is it harder now? I'd say it's easier. The GNU three-command > incantation works for me. It didn't for me. > Read the fucking migration document, section 2.4, "Handling of Line Breaks". I wasn't ready for a fucking migration, I was applying a security patch. And if I wanted help I'd be posting somewhere else, it's running fine thank you very much. The fucking migration document was NOT referenced on the website in any position that would make it clear. It could not be retrieved through google with any sane parameters that I could come up with at that time. It wasn't referenced in the README and the CHANGES document, a very logical place to start looking for "oh, foo is now no longer legal" looked like a CVS log. I haven't even gone into the fact that you don't expect a parser to become MORE ANAL about how it parses possibly human-generated datafiles. Especially not if it's an upgrade delta of 0.0.0.5 (8.2.2pl7 to 8.2.3) that is supposed to fix this !Huge! !Alarming! !Gaping! !Security! !Hole! that will !Destroy! !The! !Internet!. You expect the security holes to be fixed, end of story. Besides, you're posting UI. > Read the fucking RFC. CNAMES must be the unique RR at a node. Fix your > software or lose. BIND is enforcing your RFC compliance. I fail to see > that as a Bad Thing. I don't either, but not when installing a security patch for a nameserver responsible for 45000 domains. And that was my entire point, this was not a security patch, it was a goddamn Service Pack. You don't understand the point of my rant. > And, if you have a situation like that, use a test system. Gaping! Security! Hole! The! Internet! Is! Dying! And I'm the only alive admin, one down with the flue, one on a holiday, one down with pfeiffer and we're short on admins as it is and the mailservers are falling over and there's a disk on the NetAss waggling its blinkenlights and I just got a call that they found asbestos in my house and did you know my business card reads "Head of Development"? Next time I need smartass utopian suggestions I'll buy your motivational tape ok? ================================================================================ From: djc@cc.umanitoba.ca (D. Joseph Creighton) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Manitoba, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada " Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! Pieces of nine! " - Stolen from Ian Stirling's signature D. Joseph Creighton [ESTP] | Programmer Analyst, Database Technologies, IST Joe_Creighton@UManitoba.CA | University of Manitoba Winnipeg, MB, Canada, eh? ================================================================================ From: pat_e@efn.org (Patrick R. Wade) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Oregon Public Networking It says something about our society that we can afford to educate, train, and support people to specialize in something as esoteric as "pediatric ophthamology". And that they're experienced enough that a few glances at an infant's eyes is all they need to determine what's wrong and what's needed to correct it. Next person I meet who moans about "evil technology" and whines for "the good old days" gets bitch-slapped: my son's eyes can track together now. - dpm in SDM ================================================================================ From: steve-d@cyberservices.com (SteveD) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: an Asia Online client - http://www.asiaonline.net/ Christopher Biggs emoted: >And another thing. When the BOOTP server eventually became available, >said Winders box then silently and immediately CHANGED ITS IP to the >one granted by the server. If the bloody OS can do that without >skipping a beat, why won't it let me so much as change my fscking >*socks* without requiring a reboot? Bleating for SOCKP server La la la I can't hear you SOCKP server not found Generating random socks Sock(left): fuzzy knee-length tartan with silver bell on toe Sock(right): pink gauze with embroidered iridium choo-choo trains ================================================================================ From: dgriffi@cs.csuabk.edu (David Griffith) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: CSUnet Enable this and disable that. All the versions grok but conflicts still abound. Do the Irix shuffle and spin your head around. That's what it's all about! ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Not in my right mind >I'm sure I've had a few kind invitations to purchase penis-extension kits. Subject: WIN DICKSIZE WARS FAST !!! ================================================================================ From: Tanuki the Raccoon-dog Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Philosophy, a higher state of consciousness, and non-stop shopping. " . . . and somewhere in the reinforced-concrete bowels of Redmond, teams of Microserfs in tacky-looking SS-clone uniforms are hurling RFCs into a flaming furnace while singing _Horst Wessel_". -- Mel Nicholls ================================================================================ From: derick@xmission.com (Derick Siddoway) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: XMission http://www.xmission.com/ I sense much distrust in you. Distrust leads to cynicism, cynicism leads to bitterness, bitterness leads to Awareness Of True Reality which is referred to by those-who-lack-enlightenment as "paranoia". I approve. -- David P. Murphy ITYM Trust leads to experience. Experience leads to bitterness. Bitterness leads to cynicism. Cynicisms leads to Awareness ... ================================================================================ From: Eric The Read Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: hardly any to speak of "I'm going to get a new job. I'm going to mow lawns. And when somebody asks me what I do for a living, I will tell them, 'I mow lawns.' And whatever question might follow, the answer will most likely be `Yes,' `No,' or `I mow lawns.' And nobody will ever call me at 3:30am with a lawnmowing emergency." -- hymie in ASR ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Not in my right mind `Except for the disturbing fact that my fantasies seem to entail "lusers leaving me alone" more often than "sex", lately.' -- Steve McAndrewSmith ================================================================================ From: Ben Pfaff Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Michigan State University Some days that robot just ain't worth slurping. ================================================================================ From: griffin@larpcook.com (Jens Goerke) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Planet 10 You can't out-sarcasm reality. ================================================================================ From: buford@yggdrasil.dhs.org (Matt Martin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Atlas City Sorcerers Guild Matt Martin -=- http://mousygirl.nekomusume.net/ -=- Yes, it's pink. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey ================================================================================ From: crawford@kloognome.com (Robert A Crawford) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: http://www.newsfeeds.com >_Starman Jones_, in which RAH predicts the use of computers >but not data storage. Nah, he was just predicting biological computers. _Starman Jones_ could be the world's most subtle cyberpunk novel. ================================================================================ From: derick@xmission.com (Derick Siddoway) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: XMission http://www.xmission.com/ Yup, and remember that the hardware begat the software; the software is a sort of refined, sophisticated evil, while the hardware is a more raw, elemental evil. -- T. M. Pederson ================================================================================ From: random Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: First Step Internet (www.fsr.net) Given. A. CHOICE. Between. listening to. KIRK. and. Selfdestructing. What would YOU do? ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA I had occasion to write today, "Best viewed through the bottom of a beerglass" about a website that had another one of those binary Windows-only plugins. Paul Martin, in the Monastery ================================================================================ From: Arthur van der Harg Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Wirehub! Internet, The Netherlands Obnoxious? They're reason enough to start writing thermite.jar and using that as a servlet. ================================================================================ From: mallet.I_Kill_Spammers@cluestick.org (Suresh Ramasubramanian) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: The International Lumber Cartel of India >I take it you don't remember Red Skelton's Mean Little Kid? >"If I do this, I get a whipping. I do it anyway!" Now, it's like "if I lart $PHB he bitches to my boss. I lart him anyway". ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@home.com (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: None. Come on, you expect me to be organized or something? In some social circles, so I'm told, you don't start conversations with complete strangers by saying "God damn those fucking lusers!" and launching into a long tirade. --- Paul Tomblin, in the Monastery ================================================================================ From: djb@spam.gladly.accepted.for.fifty.dollars.per.message.scream.org (D. Birchall) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Spam Terms: US$50/message, payable via PayPal or Yahoo! PayDirect For most folks, this might be a nasty ethical question. Good thing I'm a BOFH. ================================================================================ From: Joe Zeff Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: EarthLink Inc. -- http://www.EarthLink.net "Always there are two, the BOFH and the PFY." ================================================================================ From: Jamie Bowden Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com Fucking Pedants. I mean that in the nicest possible way of course. ================================================================================ From: Simon Travaglia Organization: BOFH "Oooh, I see you've a large number of telnet connections to dialup lines in the Netherlands." "That'll be my chat people. They need telnet to chat properly." "Of course they do." ================================================================================ From: logan@cs.utexas.edu (Logan Shaw) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: CS Dept, University of Texas at Austin >The date on my Leatherman says 0600 and it has the notch. >Hmm, looks like nobody except myself can use it. And >shouldn't that be 0700? Only if you want to use it to execute someone. ================================================================================ From: ptomblin@xcski.com (Paul Tomblin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Tomblin Computer Consulting, Rochester, New York and Ottawa, Ontario So Linus, what are we doing tonight? The same thing we do every night Tux. Try to take over the world! ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@home.com (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: None. Come on, you expect me to be organized or something? "CS is about lofty design goals and algorithmic optimization. Sysadminning is about cleaning up the fscking mess that results." --Graham Dunn in the Monastery ================================================================================ From: mike.patterson@unb.ca (Mike) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Waterloo Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. --- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon ================================================================================ From: billones@Radix.Net (Jeremy Billones) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: RadixNet ObASR: The deal was, in return for my not being admin for your PC... I didn't have to admin your PC. That doesn't mean you admin it until you get in over your head and beg for help -- that means when you get in over your head I get to laugh at you. ================================================================================ From: dan-h@supanet.com (Dan Holdsworth) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: ntl Cablemodem News Service BlackIce can {block DNS}. What BlackIce cannot apparently do is bring up a big flashing notice that says something on the lines of "You are asking me to do something staggeringly stupid. Are you sure you want the entire tech department of $ISP laughing at you? Yes/No/Hit head with brick". ================================================================================ From: crn@NOSPAM.netunix.com Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery 4) My rates are proportional to your pain. 5) You are in no position to argue about rule 4. ================================================================================ From: ptomblin@xcski.com (Paul Tomblin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Tomblin Computer Consulting, Rochester, New York and Ottawa, Ontario Okay, I'll "just hit delete". You can be "Delete". --- Ron Ritzman, talking to a spammer ================================================================================ From: Chris King Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Brain For Hire Do not meddle in the affairs of JANET-CERT, for your packets are squishy and easily filtered. ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery From: Kevin Martin Organization: Optimum Online Later I found myself pondering the words of Dubya, how people who "harbor and feed" terrorists are to be treated as terrorists, and about the sucky timing of nimda... and came to the logical conclusion that billg is to be treated as a terrorist. Pity the world isn't logical, merely rational. ================================================================================ From: strange@cultural.com Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: ISPFH.ORG Michael Brian Scher (MS683/MS3213) Anthropologist, Attorney, Policy Analyst Mainlining Internet Connectivity for Fun and Profit strange@cultural.com strange@ispfh.org Give me a compiler and a box to run it, and I can move the mail. ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@home.com (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: bofh.lusty-wenches Organization: None. Come on, you expect me to be organized or something? "Not Dave! It must have been somebody evil forging a post from him. I don't believe Dave is even capable of threatening, abusive or insulting language." "And so say all of us!" --- Chris Reuter and Matthew Skala ================================================================================ From: Koos van den Hout Newsgroups: bofh.netfh Organization: Van den Hout Creative Communications I poked at it a bit and found wu-ftpd-2.4.2-beta-18 running on it[1]. [1] instant root or your scriptkiddie back! ================================================================================ From: Koos van den Hout Newsgroups: bofh.netfh Organization: Van den Hout Creative Communications My mail stating "fix this asap, this is a major security hole which I really don't like in an embedded device" got translated to "so you want to be on our mailing list to be notified of new releases of the software". ================================================================================ From: cdrovers-news@ennui.biomass.to (Chris Rovers) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: A poorly-installed InterNetNews site >The thing I love about Gartner is their ability to announce the bleeding obvious >or Just Plain Wrong, alternately or simultaneously, and somehow have management >print it out and wave it at their techies as if it is a voice from a burning >bush. What a beautiful image - Gartner wonks piled high on a burning bush, screaming that "maybe IIS isn't so good after all" and "our statistics show a sudden increase in temperature" ================================================================================ From: Robert Waldner Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bah. Speaking only for me humble self. copy protection: n. A class of methods for preventing incompetent pirates from stealing software and legitimate customers from using it. Considered silly. ================================================================================ From: Robert Waldner Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bah. Speaking only for me humble self. Unauthorized use of this .sig may constitute violation of US law. echo Qba\'g gernq ba zr\! |tr 'a-zA-Z' 'n-za-mN-ZA-M' ================================================================================ From: Alexander Zangerl Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: None. Never. Ever. In article <9p623t$lcv$3@allhats.xcski.com>, David P. Murphy wrote: > > -- Nicht alles was Software auf Hardware installiert ist ein Admin. > > -- David Schmitt, aum > shoved it down http://world.altavista.com/tr and got this back: > > "Everything software on hardware is installed which a Admin." bunglefish totally missed the "nicht" at the beginning, it should read like this: "not every(thing|body)[0] installing software on hardware is an admin". az [0] every*thing* like in sub-human, as an added insult. dpm: that came back as "nicht alles, der Software auf Kleinteile anbringt, ist ein admin" ================================================================================ From: Mike Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Waterloo The Earth is degenerating these days. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer mind their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching. -Assyrian stone tablet, c.2800bc ================================================================================ From: Alexander Zangerl Newsgroups: bofh.questions Organization: None. Never. Ever. `bastard operators from hell' anagrams to `shatterproof armored balls'. -- Cliff Miller ================================================================================ From: matt@cugc.org (Matt McLeod) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: The Demented Amoeba "Bastard's the name, but you can call me Right Bleedin'" ================================================================================ From: Simon Cozens Newsgroups: bofh.bofhlets Organization: Bethnal Green is PEOPLE! What would happen if you ran up to Hitler and mentioned Usenet? - Kibo ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: bofh.test Organization: Not in my right mind >Recent slrns do sig coloration... odds *nobody's* sig was displaying, >being nicely bg==fg or something. I'll have to try to post more offcolour sigs, then. ================================================================================ From: the Once and Future BOFH I realise the futility of the Dummy Mode plan --- he *LIVES* there, so he's immune to its effects. ================================================================================ From: Roger Burton West Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Firedrake Synthesis Available for immediate pickup: Industrial strength fan forced convection heater with computer-like features. -- Joe Bednorz ================================================================================ From: Michael Hinz Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Michael's own server 10 foot poles! Get'cher 10 foot poles! Inna bun! Fresh 10 foot poles, made by monks on a mountain! 2 bucks each, and that's cutting my own hand off. 10 foot poles! Guaranteed to not touch anything! -- Graham Reed ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@home.com (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: None. Come on, you expect me to be organized or something? : If being dropped out of an aircraft into what is, for all anyone knows, : a minefield is "moderately rough handling", what would constitute : "rough handling" or "very rough handling"? Being shipped UPS. ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@home.com (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: None. Come on, you expect me to be organized or something? "But you've got to hand it to IBM, they know how to design hardware. The servers all had handles to pick them up and throw them out of the window...." -- Juergen Nieveler in the Monastery ================================================================================ From: matt@cugc.org (Matt McLeod) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: The Demented Amoeba "Remember - if all you have is an axe, every problem looks like hours of fun." -- Frossie, ASR ================================================================================ From: Mike Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Waterloo Symptom: Everything has gone dark. Fault: The bar is closing. Action: Panic. ================================================================================ From: djc@cc.umanitoba.ca (D. Joseph Creighton) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Manitoba, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada "My problems start when the smarter bears and the dumber visitors intersect." - Steve Thompson, wildlife biologist at Yosemite National Park ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Phase of the Moon Software, Inc. As Cartman would say, "$ killall -SCREW `cat /var/run/guys.pid`; cd" ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Phase of the Moon Software, Inc. sgc wrote: > through the revealing science of anagrams, it can be considered that Faced kid of fun. ================================================================================ From: vadik@arthur.jer.vygo.net (Vadim Vygonets) Newsgroups: bofh.compfh.ibm.pc Organization: Pineal Gland Communications Corporation If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor, and when was the last time you needed one? -- Tom Cargill, C++ Journal, Fall 1990. ================================================================================ From: Mark Atwood Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Black Fedora Mark Atwood | I'm wearing black only until I find something darker. mra@pobox.com | http://www.pobox.com/~mra ================================================================================ From: sweh@spuddy.mew.co.uk (Stephen Harris) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: *NOT* Spud's Public Usenet Domain I believe in accuracy You are a pedant He's a fascist bastard always correcting others ================================================================================ From: Roger Burton West Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Firedrake Synthesis I've seen things you people can't imagine. Chimneysweeps on fire over the roofs of London. I've watched kite-strings glitter in the sun in Hyde Park Gate. All these things will be lost, like chalk-paintings in the rain. Time for your nap. -- from Bladerunner Poppins, PdS and Lionel ================================================================================ From: Simon Cozens Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bethnal Green is PEOPLE! It took the computational power of three Commodore 64s to fly to the moon. It takes a 486 to run Windows 95. Something is wrong here. ================================================================================ From: Simon Cozens Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bethnal Green is PEOPLE! "I don't think so," said Rene Descartes. Just then, he vanished. ================================================================================ From: bhorne@lynx.dac.neu.edu (Bill Horne) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns The UNIX Guru's View of Sex: ---------------------------------------------- # unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep ================================================================================ From: Rebecca Ore Newsgroups: bofh.general Most Fundamentalists generally don't want to imagine the Universe created by a trickster god who is indifferent morally and who isn't terribly interested in human lives. They want Direct Meddling in Stuff for their own goods. Jim Bakker was almost a parody of Christianity as Cargo Cult. -- Rebecca Ore ================================================================================ From: Marc Haber Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: private site, see http://www.zugschlus.de/ for details A friend of mine has a reputation of answering the phone with: "Hi, what's your E-mail problem? You don't have an e-mail problem? Fine, then you can send me e-mail. *click*" ================================================================================ From: devnull@hserus.net (Suresh Ramasubramanian) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Rather an appropriate quote - from an old surgery textbook - my friend is rather fond of quoting. Quite relevant to what people are saying in this thread I guess. : From inability to leave well alone; : From too much zeal for what is new and contempt for what is old; : From putting knowledge before wisdom, science before art, cleverness : before common sense; : From treating patients as cases; : From making the cure of a disease more grievous than its endurance; : Good Lord, deliver us.'" ================================================================================ From: Roger Burton West Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Firedrake Synthesis The US is so big, and throws its weight about so much, that other countries are forced to keep aware of our blunderings in self-defense, sort of like sharing the machine room with a water buffalo. -- Doug McNaught ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: bofh.bofhlets Organization: Not in my right mind 1 kg == 2.2 lbs Just ask a Canadian (your interface between the US and the rest of the planet) ================================================================================ From: "Randy the Random" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Bradakis Network Research Laboratories I'm pretty damned certain that it was all fun and games, taunting each other to do Work-Related-Things, right up until someone pulled a little too hard, and then we see why Bastards don't always play nice together. Everyone brought bazookas to the pillow-fight. ================================================================================ From: Dimitri Maziuk Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: only myself I have not been able to think of any way of describing Perl to [person] "Hello, blind man? This is color." -- DPM ================================================================================ From: usenet@frozencrow.org (Ed Schmollinger) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Caw! Caw! Caw! Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich. ================================================================================ From: http://www.actsofgord.com/Justice/chapter07.html "Not seeing a positive angle for me here in your grandiose plan." ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: bofh.larts Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc. A true Bastard sees opportunity where a normal person sees frustration. ================================================================================ From: Michael Hinz Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Michael's own server It seems to me that in most households, boys are not involved (much) in cleanup and get the impression it happens automagically. This may explain the popularity of Java. -- T. M. Pederson ================================================================================ From: bram@fangorn.xs4all.nl Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Fangorn Systems and www.buvic.com Now don't be too quick to dismiss feng shui, it works quite well. Why, just a few weeks ago I told people to "bloody well put that server rack over there, facing that way, or there'll be some pretty bad karma coming your way", and I feel a lot better for it. Server room looks nicer, too. ================================================================================ You're welcome, John McLean of SwissOnline ================================================================================ From: cynic@thelanddownunder.com Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery "How to Stop the System for Recovery Purposes" - chapter heading, Sun Microsystems System Administration Guide ================================================================================ From: Q_O_S@telstra.com (Queen Of Swords) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: CWO Customer How about a picture of Christoper Pike from TOS. As in 'Bother me again, and you'll be lucky if you look that good. And don't think anyone cares enough about your opinions to give you a blinky light.' ================================================================================ From: Roger Burton West Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Firedrake Synthesis Behind every successful programmer, there is a person with a wooden mallet, hitting him in the head to let him know when the program is finished. -- Wayne Herbert ================================================================================ From: robc+news@localhost.localdomain (Rob Chanter) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: The Robinson/Tomblin/Pollanen family news server ------ Rob chanter | robc@nudepenguins.org | http://www.nudepenguins.org/ ------ "What's up, got a note from your mum that says you're excused from RFC1918 or something ?" -- Chris King, asr ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery From: gcash Organization: RoadRunner - Central Florida Favorite god: Thor Favorite song: "Hammer Time" Motto: "Use a bigger hammer" In my toolbox: 1 screwdriver, 6 hammers. Often heard saying: "... then I used a hammer on it" ================================================================================ From: i_charge_100_bucks_per_spam@nospam.danbirchall.com (Dan Birchall) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Spam Terms: US$100/message. PayPal accepted. -Dan (Practice random acts of chaos and bastardly cruelty.) ================================================================================ From: INVALID_SEE_SIG@example.com (J.D. Baldwin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Revealed on a need-to-know basis > And since Brussel isn't a city but a conglomerate of 19 independent > boroughs, there can be a slight inconsistency in signage. Not to > mention public works and road deviations. "And since Windows isn't an operating system but an amalgamation of various legacy APIs, GUI shells and layers of cruft, there can be a slight inconsistency in its interfaces. Not to mention security and stability." ================================================================================ From: dan-h@supanet.com (Dan Holdsworth) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: ntl Cablemodem News Service Microsoft is also sadly wrong in assuming that the public want feature-laden software; they don't. The public wants dirt-cheap, simple idiot-proof software that doesn't bite back no matter how much it is abused. ================================================================================ From: Felix von Leitner Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Memory is like gasoline. You use it up when you are running. Of course you get it all back when you reboot... --Actual explanation obtained from the Micro$oft help desk. ================================================================================ By dint of plentiful try...catch constructs throughout our code base, we are sometimes able to prevent our applications from aborting. We think of the resultant state as "nailing the corpse in the upright position". --- Verity Stob, Dr. Dobb's Journal ================================================================================ From: ptomblin@xcski.com (Paul Tomblin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Tomblin Computer Consulting, Rochester, New York and Ottawa, Ontario chown -R us /yourbase - Simon Slavin ================================================================================ From: matinee@cix.co.uk (Peter Kay) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: ^A Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but WPOS IMO died for two main reasons: 1) The software sucked 2) The hardware sucked as well From there, it could only go downhill. ================================================================================ From: fun@thingy.apana.org.au (Red Drag Diva) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Please try to understand before one of us dies. On Tue, 11 Dec 2001 21:53:00 -0000, Robert A. Uhl wrote: :Incidentally, apologies for blowing up re. measurement systems. It's :one of my pet peeve subjects, and really doesn't matter all that much. :Sorry. That's OK. You're still a fuckhead. ================================================================================ From: Mark Huizer Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? -- Jules Feiffer ================================================================================ From: David Damerell Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Linux Unlimited When challenged by a Kzin, a simple scream of terror suffices. You scream and you leave. ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc. Tai wrote: > And they all suck really really fscking bad too. I present my > latest adventure with Netscape. I use it for mail and news at work. At the risk of pointing out the completely blinding obvious . . . I present my latest adventure with my dishwasher. I use it for baking cheesecakes and cleaning my clothes at home. Now it can't get the Discovery Channel, even though my television can. ================================================================================ From: Mark Milhollan Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: yes Lionel wrote: >They've put a fucking animated fucking dog on the fucking 'search' >function for fucks sake. Really? Wow! I'm surprised that wasn't caught in QA. ================================================================================ From: "Maarten Wiltink" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Kittens & Cats, Inc. Oh well. Nostalgia. VT-100 terminals. Twenty-line signatures. Weren't we cute back then? Now we're all jaded and powerful and bored. ================================================================================ From: Toni Lassila Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: SAUNALAHDEN asiakas > What makes this guy [who used MS Word to write source code] special is that > he'd spent hours reformatting his code, changing fonts, colours, and so on, > to make it look *just like* the (syntax hilighted) code in his neighbour's > Visual Stupido window. He'd painstakingly selected the comments, italicized them, > and changed their text color to green, for example. At this point you should have just said something like "your functions are too blue", and left. ~~~~~~~~~~~ I have successfully introduced the phrase "Your functions are too blue" in my workplace. -- David P. Murphy ================================================================================ From: Alistair J. R. Young Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Posted through CADFE e-mail: avatar@panix.com WWW: http://www.arkane.demon.co.uk/ UIN: 111585051 The Laura OS: http://lauraos.sourceforge.net/ "If I have pinged farther than others, it is because I routed upon the T3s of giants." -- Greg Andrews in the sdm ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@rogers.com (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: None. Come on, you expect me to be organized or something? "There *is* a company selling Sinclair ZX-81 kits, I could put one of those together... But then I'd have a ZX-81. Kind of a booby prize...." -- Mark 'Kamikaze' Hughes ================================================================================ From: fun@thingy.apana.org.au (Red Drag Diva) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Please try to understand before one of us dies. "You couldn't get a clue if you were soaked in clue pheromone in clue bondage gear on the clue mating grounds during clue mating season surrounded by horny clues." --- found on alt.religion.sc**nt*l*gy around 1995 ================================================================================ From: kaih=8FUofwp1w-B@khms.westfalen.de (Kai Henningsen) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Organisation? Me?! Are you kidding? Sorry, but I really cannot wrap my mind around the concept of a creationist having a reasonably open mind. It is literally incomprehensible for me. That's like saying they haven't worked out that the announcer isn't sitting inside their TV. ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA I saw part of a telecast of some Wagner opera or other on TV one time. It took two characters the best part of an hour to say "Oh! Hello!" to each other. At that point I turned it off, even though I was in grave danger of missing the first five or six minutes of "How're you doing?" -- Dave Brown ================================================================================ From: Arthur van der Harg Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Wirehub! Internet, The Netherlands > Okay, I'm not sure whether I count as a monk (monkess? monkette? > monke^H^H^H^H^Hape? What's the word for a female denizen here anyway?) There is nun. --- Meg Thornton and Arthur van der Harg ================================================================================ From: olson@csu401.cs.ualberta.ca (Matt Olson) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: University of Alberta, Edmonton, Canada "Family values" is a codeword for "All those things that I don't want to admit to being prejudiced about". -- Lionel in the scary devil monastery ================================================================================ From: ruhl@latakia.dyndns.org (Robert A. Uhl) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com I sat around during the design phase going `this is going to suck so badly that we're going to have to hold onto desks to stop us from being drawn into the vortex.' --Chris Saunderson ================================================================================ From: Paul Mc Auley Newsgroups: bofh.food Organization: Hah! As if. "You know, we've won awards for this crap." -- David Letterman ================================================================================ From: Jasper Janssen Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: EasyNews, UseNet made Easy! >I received a written warning from a supervisor once for setting the >Administrator password of an NT 3.51 box to 'ntsucks'. The user >didn't mind -- she found it humorous -- but my supervisor freaked. Well, it's bad password practice to use something anyone might try as the first one or two guesses.... ================================================================================ From: stripes@tragedy.biomass.to (Chris Klein) Newsgroups: bofh.netfh,bofh.jobfh.misc Organization: Tragic Biomass Services The woman oozes competence [...] She's got Potential written all over her in big flourescent ultra-green flashing marker with a capital P so capital that you need a special shift key and a custom designed font just to reach the sheer level of capital P that's needed. ================================================================================ From: INVALID_SEE_SIG@example.com (J.D. Baldwin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Revealed on a need-to-know basis _+_ From the catapult of |If anyone disagrees with any statement I make, I _|70|___:)=}- J.D. Baldwin |am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also \ / baldwin@panix.com|to deny under oath that I ever made it. -T. Lehrer ***~~~~----------------------------------------------------------------------- ================================================================================ From: stevo@madcelt.org Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organisation: As little as possible Stevo stevo@madcelt.org Christian Biblical literalists are trusting themselves to an archaic English translation of a Latin translation of (help me here) Greek? Aramaic? source. I wouldn't even trust a VCR manual to make it through that intact. - Dr. Dee ================================================================================ Newsgroups: comp.os.linux.advocacy, comp.os.linux.hardware You remind me of a Winmodem: anyone talking to you has to think for you too, just as the Windows computer must waste CPU cycles to use the Winmodem. In other words, you have a Winbrain. Which is to say you are as brain-dead as a Windevice. --- Bloody Viking ================================================================================ From: phil@kantaka.co.uk (Philip Armstrong) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Disorganisation It's *your* responsibility to work out what matters to you --- what makes it all worthwhile; like you say, your employer isn't going to care whether you're happy or not, or whether you have a life outside work. Work out what actually matters to you and build your life around it. It's not easy though. ================================================================================ From: Rick Dickinson Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Dickinson Consulting Services Lusers annoy you; Backups are crap; | -- David P. Murphy Morons employ you; And samba won't map. | in the S.D.M. Printers need cable; Installs restart; | (parodying Dorothy Servers aren't stable; You might as well LART. | Parker's "Resume") ================================================================================ From: Scott Forbes Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Go not to ASR for advice, for they will say both "No" and "Get The Hell Out Of Here While You Still Can". ================================================================================ From: "Shmuel (Seymour J.) Metz" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Atid/2 >Does this prove there _is_ an infinite amount of porn out there? Yes, and it's all coming into my inbox when I am waiting for an important message. I guess that the boss, family or IRS aren't as important as "hot, wet, throbbing golfs balls", "nude barely legal toner", "behind the green card" and "100% legal chain orgasms". ================================================================================ From: Ed Powell Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Big Bob's ISP and Bait Shoppe Thanks to Google, I can now get a good perspective on what a lame little AOL twonk I was in '95/'96. And what a lame little PFY I was in here around '99. Why didn't anyone tell me this was going to go on my permanent record? ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery "Rik Steenwinkel" : Unauthorized access prohibited. Prosecutors will be violated. Mike Raeder : No Trespassing Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again. dan-h@supanet.com (Dan Holdsworth) wrote: (in a shooting range) WARNING: If you are found here tonight, you will be found here tomorrow. Tanuki the Raccoon-dog : (from "A_W_O_L") This system operates under martial law. The constitution is suspended. You have no rights except as declared by the area commander. Violators will be shot. Repeat violators will be repeatedly shot. ================================================================================ From: ruhl@latakia.dyndns.org (Robert A. Uhl) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com In the UNIX world, being dependent on a GUI is the same thing as not being a sysadmin. --BigZaphod ================================================================================ From: Thorfinn Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Tertius Polyfamily - http://tertius.net.au/ Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, in kernel as it is in user! -- BSD fortune file ================================================================================ From: rsteenw@xs4all.nl (Rik Steenwinkel) Organization: Ministry of Silly Walks Newsgroups: bofh.general This, too, contributes to the 'bofh.attitude'. "Fscking crap SW vendors, I might as well fix it myself, dammit, $TODO is already past MAXINT, grumble, swear, allright, it's working now, wish I had more time to get these shaky bits sorted out AND IF ANYONE BREAKS IT I'LL BITE HIS HEAD OFF" ================================================================================ From: peter@taronga.com (Peter da Silva) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: TSS Inc. >I think you warned me against learning programming languages and trying >to apply that to ways of writing fiction, but I am still tempted. You'd become the Anti-Larry-Wall. --- Rebecca Ore and Rev. Peter da Silva ================================================================================ From: ruhl@latakia.dyndns.org (Robert A. Uhl) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com My word processor was written by Stanford Professor Donald Knuth. Who wrote yours? ================================================================================ From: randy@xcski.com (Randy the Random) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: The Robinson/Tomblin/Pollanen family news server >[Deductions for mortgage interest) adds up to getting penalized for renting I disagree. Home owners are more economically stable than renters. This (in very rough terms) leads to more home owners and a more stable economy. Ahem. For my next trick I will now justify The Pope. ================================================================================ From: Mike Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Tragic Biomass Services I must admit that Micro$oft does seem to bear an awful resemblence to the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation. Considering that my attempts at using Word always resulted in something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a document. - Rich Kaszeta, monk ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Not in my right mind Anthony de Boer -- as seen at http://www.leftmind.net/~adb/ -- BOFH, eh? / "As a Covad customer, my connection's future is as vague as the character \ \ development in the typical alt.sex.stories post." -- David P. Murphy / ================================================================================ From: http://www.linuxdoc.org/LDP/LG/issue36/kuethe.html "The second daemon that was contaminated was rshd. About 10 times as big as the standard copy, it can't be up to anything but trouble. What does rsh mean here? RemoteSHell or RootShell? Your guess is as good as mine." --- Chris Kuethe, published in Issue 36 of Linux Gazette, January 1999 ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Not in my right mind Anthony de Boer -- as seen at http://www.leftmind.net/~adb/ -- BOFH, eh? / "The MSCE has demonstrated that he is competent to sweep out the \ [ machine room, assuming there's already a planned outage for UPS ] \ maintenance." -- J.D. Baldwin / ================================================================================ From: http://www.twinkiesproject.com/haiku.html Poor control Twinkie! ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA I rather like Dick Francis, which may alter my stature in the views of some of you. I've read all the versions of his novel. ================================================================================ From: "Bogdan Iamandei [ROT13] " Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: We don't need no steenkin' organization. >I once worked with machines that usually wore a powerful aroma of reagent >grade ammonia. We kept a set of high quality gas masks hanging on the central >pillar of the operations room in case several of the machines became >over-excited simultaneously. Is that magic smoke, or you're just happy to see me? ================================================================================ From: Matt Roberds Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Cox Communications >Nobody knows exactly how much US plutonium is currently "off the books" >thanks to MS SQL Server bugs. Where do you want to glow today? ================================================================================ From: unknown Newsgroups: rec.games.roguelike.nethack Organization: http://www.nethack.org Thank you for the latest release of gradewrecker. My GPA just went in the corner and shot itself. ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA Canada's 4 seasons, of course, being Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction. -- Rob Chanter, in the Monastery ================================================================================ From: Dimitri Maziuk Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: only myself What crack monkey came up with the idea that "killall" without parameters should just kill all processes? It should spit out the manual page in texinfo format, followed by 5 "are you really sure? (Abort/Retry/Fail/Ignore) " dialog boxes, ask for root password twice and your grandmother's maiden name once, and then sleep for 10 seconds to give us a chance to press ^C. ================================================================================ From: James Vandenberg Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: BigPond Internet Services (http://www.bigpond.net.au) [Thunderstorm] I'm beginning to think I may have angered the god of poor aim. After missing me with kilovolts, he then decided to annoy me. I'm sure network cards are static-sensitive, more so than memory. To the point of "Oh my! Someone is scuffing their feet on carpet in Uzbekistan! How can I go on?" ================================================================================ From: INVALID_SEE_SIG@example.com (J.D. Baldwin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Revealed on a need-to-know basis "I get enough talk like that at work -- shut up about it in here." The same sort of thing you might say to a co-worker at the Friday p.m. post-ork gathering at the local beer purveyor's when he insists on yammering about the status of the Let's Open Our Mail Servers To The H@x0r5 Project. ================================================================================ From: "Chris \"Saundo\" Saunderson" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Huh? >Dale Worley wrote: > [D]emocracy is government by and for the lusers. > And thus should never be considered by a sysadmin. Absolutely right. Beneficient dictatorships when you have root, armed vigilant truce otherwise. ================================================================================ From: Pim van Riezen Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: XS4ALL Internet BV Java programmers are so in love with abstraction, they forget to code. ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Not in my right mind Anthony de Boer -- as seen at http://www.leftmind.net/~adb/ -- BOFH, eh? / "I read [.doc files] with "rm". All you lose is the \ [ microsoft-specific font selections, the macro viruses ] \ and the luser babblings." -- Gary "Wolf" Barnes / ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. --Abraham Lincoln, tyrant ================================================================================ From: pat_e@efn.org (Patrick R. Wade) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Oregon Public Networking <--/---\------78-cols-----------------^-----Your-Name-Here------Something----> / Small*<-Perth Make Your Very 4 rows email@address.here witty some dead / Ascii \ Own Signature File! | Profession Here guy once said \ Picture / Follow The Instructions v Other Personal Info here ================================================================================ From: "Mike Raeder" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Muffin Research Laboratories If Jesus died for my sins I'd say he overreacted a bit. ================================================================================ From: Rick Dickinson Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Dickinson Consulting Services Engineers think that equations approximate the real world. Scientists think that the real world approximates equations. Mathematicians are unable to make the connection... ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Not in my right mind Anthony de Boer -- as seen at http://www.leftmind.net/~adb/ -- BOFH, eh? / "I'd sooner volunteer to admin every Windows box at $ORKPLACE (and \ [ it's a biiiig place) than think for one second that I could understand ] \ the thought process of a teenage female." -- David P. Murphy / ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA Our Helldesk has one fsckwit who sends PeeCee software and hardware bugs to -- take a guess! If your guess was "the network installation and mainframe OS groups", then you win. And please stay the fsck away from me. I don't want to be anywhere near anyone who can guess answers like that. ================================================================================ From: Earl Grey Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery They tell me that you're going to try posting to Alt.Sysadmin.Recovery. It's a Magnificent Idea; A Daring and Splendid Idea! It will be FUN! Assuming you're not vaporized, dissected, or otherwise killed in an assortment of supremely horrible and painful ways! Exciting, Isn't It?! ================================================================================ From: damian@qimr.edu.au (Damian James) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Boots of Ascension "Do you see the jar of oil on the shelf by the rack? Yeah, the one marked 'libation'. Good, now I need you to start rubbing some of that on the goat's head. No, don't touch my dagger, I'll be in shortly. Oh, light some incense. Third drawer." ================================================================================ From: AndyC the WB Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: None You do not have my permission to hold my personal records either in an electronic or paper based sotrage system, other than for the express purpose of recording the fact that I do not wish to be contacted by your organisation by phone, e-mail, fax, post or any other method. Any future communications will be reported to the Data Protection Registrar as a failure to comply with the data protection act and could lead to prison sentences for the Directors and/or Information Systems Management. ================================================================================ From: ruhl@latakia.dyndns.org (Robert A. Uhl) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com The only difference between Cosmopolitan and Playboy is that Cosmo sells sex from a Producer perspective and Playboy sells it from a Consumer perspective. --seen on Slashdot ================================================================================ From: Simon Cozens Newsgroups: bofh.codefh Organization: Bethnal Green is PEOPLE! Thermodynamics in a nutshell: 1st Law: You can't win. (Energy is conserved) 2nd Law: You can't break even. (Entropy) 0th Law: You can't even quit the game. (Closed systems) -- Taki Kogoma ================================================================================ From: foxtrot@cc.gatech.edu Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: None we can discern J.D. Forinash ,-. jd@forinash.net ( < The more you learn, the better your luck gets. `-' ================================================================================ From: Rick Dickinson Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Dickinson Consulting Services Global warming? Yeah, it's our fault. McDonald's, sure. Only country to use nuclear weapons in warfare? Yep, and glad to do it. But the Canadians are responsible for William Shatner. -- Mark "Kamikaze" Hughes, in the S.D.M. ================================================================================ Newsgroups: http://www.lightlink.com/spacenka/fors/court/7-18-95.txt Organization: Intel vs. Randal Schwartz Defending Attorney: Now, if somebody chooses a bad password, one that violates your policy because it is easily guessed, doesn't that diminish the security of your system? Richard Cower: No. Not in the same sense that cracking the password does. When the password is cracked, it becomes an entirely different matter. ================================================================================ From: ptomblin@xcski.com (Paul Tomblin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Tomblin Computer Consulting, Rochester, New York and Ottawa, Ontario Would you like it if you were the company's typewriter repairman and people kept phoning you up to dictate their letters to you because they forgot or couldn't be bothered to learn how to use their typewriters? For most other areas of knowledge, this sort of attitude would get you ostracised and/or fired, but with computers it's considered "normal". ================================================================================ From: M.Ray@ulcc.ac.uk (Malcolm Ray) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: University of London Computer Centre Mike Andrews wrote: > I learned from my parents to look _under_ cars while driving in residential > areas. If I see feet, I slow _way_ down, because that means there's a kid > there, and they'll just fscking run out into the road without a thought. Or you're passing Fred Flintstone, of course. ================================================================================ From: Rick Dickinson Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Dickinson Consulting Services Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K. It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place. -- .signature shamelessly stolen from Tom Kraemer, in a.r.k ================================================================================ From: Toni Lassila Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: SAUNALAHDEN asiakas If you insist on posting UI, follow the established process: 1) Don't. ================================================================================ From: andrew+usenet@dalgleish.dyndns.org (Andrew Dalgleish) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: none Politics and religion are just like software and hardware. They all suck, the documentation is provably incorrect, and all the vendors tell lies. ================================================================================ From: ptomblin@xcski.com (Paul Tomblin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Tomblin Computer Consulting, Rochester, New York and Ottawa, Ontario `I was all fired up to write a big rant, but instead found apathy to be a more worthwhile solution.' --- Ashley Penney ================================================================================ From: larting.spree@free.fr (Emmanuel Sanvito) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Orysbeg-Zbagoryvneq Grpuabybtl Havirefvgl > Just T e s t i n g I take it that's about everything remotely interesting you have to bring here. ASR is not a web bulletin board where you can hang out so you can then tell your cow-orker/coloc/pimply-faced-friend "I'm a Monk" and proceed to amaze him/her/it with a patchwork of Internet subculture snippets you hardly understand, except for the grossly misconceived belief that you will look "3l33t" in the eye of other lusers. ================================================================================ From: ptomblin@xcski.com (Paul Tomblin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Tomblin Computer Consulting, Rochester, New York and Ottawa, Ontario dmaziuk@bmrb.wisc.edu wrote: > The Way described in words is not the Way. If you meet the BOFH on the information superhighway, kill him. ================================================================================ From: David Damerell Newsgroups: bofh.jobfh.misc Organization: Linux Unlimited I am increasingly convinced that all pimps are lying sacks of shit, and if one doesn't lie to you it is merely coincidental that telling you the truth happens to suit them. ================================================================================ From: billones@radix.net (Jeremy Billones) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: RadixNet Internet Services It was then I realized how dire my medical situation was. Here I was, a network admin, unable to leave, and here was someone with a broken network. And they didn't ask me to fix it. They didn't even try to casually pry a hint out of me. -- rtucker@spamcop.net ================================================================================ From: Robert Waldner Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bah. Speaking only for me humble self. Hardware: built to fail. Software: fails to build. ================================================================================ From: James Riden Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Dept of Artificial Intelligence, Edinburgh University, Scotland Jasper Janssen wrote: > What the *fuck* is the point of dual powersupplies when you can't even > switch outlets over without downing the machine? New, from the people who didn't want a Single Point of Failure, so they gave us multiple single points of failure. ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery From: ruhl@4dv.net (Robert Uhl ) Organization: Giganews.Com - Premium News Outsourcing AFAICT, most national capitals have already reached bogon criticality, passed it, seen it in the rear view mirror and now look back on the moment as a fond, if distant, memory. ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA A prostitute says "I hope it was good for you." A mistress says "I hope it was as good for you as it was for me." A wife says "_Peach_!" When asked why, she explains, "I'm going to paint the ceiling _peach_." ================================================================================ From: peter@baileynm.com (Peter da Silva) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Bailey Network Management > What's the problem with using "happen"? "occur"? Or any number of a thousand > synonyms that are already pre-existing words so you don't have to make up one. Verbogeny is one of the pleasurettes of a creatific thinkerizer. ================================================================================ From: Paul Mc Auley Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Hah! As if. > Fine for a story set in the past, but how many sites still use Halon? I can see it now: "At least I'm not being suffocated by a gas that's bad for the environment", he thought as he blacked out. -- Malcolm Ray and Paul Mc Auley ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: bofh.jobfh.misc Organization: Not in my right mind > *I* got laid last night by a girl who I hadn't said a word to all night." Your wife, then? -- Mark Atwood and Anthony de Boer ================================================================================ From: Robert Waldner Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bah. Speaking only for me humble self. > a customer neither &rw nor i deal with anymore truly ran mission-critical, > almost-realtime dispatch of data and automated messages over smtp. > when he ran into problems with that setup he asked us whether you > can have fast and slow queues with sendmail, details about guaranteed > delivery time (hah!) and so on. we both merely questioned his sanity. Never forget his questions about the ports. "If sendmail listens on a higher port, it will run faster, won't it?". Alexander Zangerl and Robert Waldner ================================================================================ From: Red Drag Diva Newsgroups: bofh.general,bofh.dead-trees Organization: Please try to understand before one of us dies. > Yes, once upon a time LRon wrote real science fiction. I can't say anything > about the quality though, because I've never read any of it. Hideous garbage [...] Hubbard could crank out words at a fair pace, but when you have thousands of followers who worship you as a God, it's hard to come to terms with the need for editing or proofreading. ================================================================================ Best yet, you don't have to pass that fatty to anyone else. Smoke your own. You know people bring shitty grass to concerts. Mine is green as a bullfrog and sticky as glue and I don't want to pass it down and have to wait for some lame-assed, half-oregano, wouldn't-get-Jesse-Helms-high, stringy, coarse, mostly-stems-and-seeds, grown-in-a-garage-under-a-40-watt-plain-white-bulb shit to come my way. ================================================================================ From: author@flemcomics.com (J. Grant) It is not my damn job to make sure nobody gets hurt by my comics. ================================================================================ From: author@flemcomics.com (J. Grant) Friend, When you are sad . . . I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. When you are blue . . . I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. When you smile . . . I'll know you finally got laid. When you are scared . . . I will rag you about it every chance I get. When you are worried . . . I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be, and tell you to quit whining. When you are confused . . . I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. When you are sick . . . stay away from me until you're well again; I don't want whatever you have. When you fall . . . I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. Sender's postscript: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. ================================================================================ From: _Thank You, Jeeves_ (P. G. Wodehouse) "Well, you're certainly having a lively night. This'll last you, what? I mean, you won't need any more excitement for months and months and months." "Mr. Wooster, my earnest hope is that the entire remainder of my existence will be one round of unruffled monotony." --- Bertie and Sir Roderick bond ================================================================================ Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power, and the admiration of all. Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your present knowledge. ================================================================================ From: Red Drag Diva Newsgroups: bofh.general,bofh.dead-trees Organization: Please try to understand before one of us dies. I suspect a fair bit of editorial hand in 'Fear'. Hubbard could crank out words at a fair pace, but when you have thousands of followers who worship you as a God, it's hard to come to terms with the need for editing or proofreading. ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Not in my right mind Anthony de Boer -- as seen at http://www.leftmind.net/~adb/ -- BOFH, eh? / "I suggest the software should detect such a deadlock, and force \ \ the name "Ouroboros" on the resultant object." -- Tanuki / ================================================================================ From: Zack Weinberg Newsgroups: bofh.jobfh.misc Organization: PANIX -- Public Access Networks Corp. On the other hand [gcc 3.x] has a considerably increased tendency to break code that relies on undefined behavior. ================================================================================ From: Huey Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Fnord About a year ago, Dialogic finally released a driver for that card that only took _five_ minutes (gasp!) to load, and only leaked memory like a 30-year-old Triumph leaks oil, which was an order of magnitude improvement. At that point, our maint reboot schedule switched from '30 days or whenever a port hangs' to '60 days or whenever a port remains hung for more than a couple days'. But to suggest that production NT boxes don't need preventative reboots --- sure, I can agree with that. Because if you leave them up more than two or three months, eventually they'll fall over, and then you're not rebooting, you're recovering from a crash. See? Semantics are your friend. ================================================================================ From: peter@taronga.com (Peter da Silva) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: TSS Inc. Sorry, I was mad at Windows, not you. You know the difference between "laughing with" and "laughing at"? OK, this is "snarling with". ================================================================================ From: petro@lists.bounty.org (Petro) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Concentric Internet Services I know guys on Goldwings [motorcycles] who complain that the cruise control won't engage above 100 m.p.h. ================================================================================ From: mroberds@worldnet.att.net (Matt Roberds) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Cox Communications I was impressed by the scene in _Apollo 13_ where the astronauts request confirmation of their calculations and several people at Mission Control dive for their slide rules. For several months after that, my standard response to statements like "We _must_ implement multi-processor object-oriented Java-based client-server technologies immediately!" was "You know, FORTRAN and slide rules put men on the moon and got them back safely multiple times." Tended to shut them up, at least for a moment. ================================================================================ From: Rob Chanter Newsgroups: bofh.jobfh.misc Organization: The Robinson/Tomblin/Pollanen family news server "I spent some time in San Angelo, right in the Heart of Texas. The best thing about the Heart of Texas is; no matter which way you go, you're leaving." -- Mike Yetto, afdb ================================================================================ From: James Riden Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Dept of Artificial Intelligence, Edinburgh University, Scotland Rule 1: Deafening silence means no-one read your message. Even if you send "IF NO ONE OBJECTS, ON THE 10th APRIL, NEXT WEEK, I WILL GO OUTSIDE FOR A QUIET SMOKE, JUST FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES", someone will complain they weren't told about it and that they needed you during that particular few minutes. Even if you sent "NEXT WEEK, I WILL PERMANENTLY BE REMOVING ALL COMPUTERS AND NETWORK CABLING FROM THE BUILDING, PLEASE TELL ME NOW IF THAT'S NOT CONVENIENT", no-one would complain until they turned up to work and found nice shiny, empty desks. ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: bofh.jobfh.misc Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc. Robert Waldner wrote: > David P. Murphy wrote: >> and God knows *I'm* perfect. > "..and *I* know *I'm* perfect" would've fit better, wouldn't it? Don't be silly. I don't want the responsibility that comes with /that/ job. ================================================================================ From: petro@lists.bounty.org (Petro) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Concentric Internet Services This is one reason I do very, very little work on my bikes (of either kind). There are people who do this for a living, and who enjoy it. I'll do what I'm good at and pay them to do what they are good at. We call this "an economy". ================================================================================ From: peter@taronga.com (Peter da Silva) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: TSS Inc. I don't recommend turning off AV software on Windows for any file types, because sure as anything Microsoft will come up with some new scheme that starts executing COM objects in plain text files during "Fast Find" or something of that nature and you'll be hosed... ================================================================================ From: Christopher B. Wright Newsgroups: alt.comics.online Organization: Ubersoft, Inc. Slogan: "You're probably violating at least four of our patents" I've been through silicon hell for the last few days, and all I really want to do is collapse in a heap and sob quietly. I will be strong, however, since it's not your fault that technology is inherently evil and exists only to plague me throughout time and space. ================================================================================ From: "Mark C. Langston" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: BOFH Coffee House and Shooting Gallery He installs major packages (apache, anyone?) in /var. Why, you ask? "Because /var is where you put stuff that changes." Three guesses which group of zealots he'll be playing bullet-catcher for when the religious wars come. ================================================================================ From: salgak@speakeasy.net (Keith A. Glass) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com We took pity on the git, and got him a training program and a severance package. Namely, a 3x5 card with the words "Do you want fries with that?", and a used, losing lottery ticket. . . . ================================================================================ From: Jerry Mulligan Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: None whatsoever I love ASR, you have total freedom of speech as long as it's punctuated correctly. --"Chris Hacking" ================================================================================ From: ruhl@4dv.net (Robert Uhl ) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Giganews.Com - Premium News Outsourcing We're standing there pounding a dead parrot on the counter, and the management response is to frantically swap in new counters to see if that fixes the problem. --Peter Gutmann ================================================================================ From: Geoffrey Kinnel Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: DCANet http://www.dca.net/ Terre Greer, she pent one nag. She envy onyx errs. Tang gel be one reef she try. Irk one roof gnat, nu? Bar one crag rail. Ah, one fur ant. ================================================================================ From: sharkey@zoic.org (sharkey) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: The Wombles of Wimbledon Common "Everyone's coloured, or you wouldn't be able to see them" -- Captain Beefheart ================================================================================ From: "Mark C. Langston" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: BOFH Coffee House and Shooting Gallery > [a doughnut is a torus] How come nobody ever came up with confections shaped like other mathematical constructs? Imagine: glazed minimal surfaces. Creme-filled Klein pastries. Mmmmmmmmmm. ================================================================================ From: M.Ray@ulcc.ac.uk (Malcolm Ray) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: University of London Computer Centre > How does the joke go? About marketing. > > You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, > "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to everyone in the room and say, "THIS IS YOU'RE LUCKY DAY!!! Im fantatic in bed!!!!". That's Spam. ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA "We live in the interface between radioactive molten rock and hard vacuum and we worry about safety." --- A friend of Steve Vanevender ================================================================================ From: (Connor Murphy) "Hi! I'm a pink bus! Will you play with me? I like to go fast!" "Hi! I'm a police car! I go fast too! VRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM" ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc. Lee Ann Goldstein wrote: > ObPedant: Contemplation of the US "-or" vs. the UK "-our" word ending > leads me to wonder if a UK hax0r would really be a hax0ur. Not at all. Since no person of decent morals would remain in the same room with such a creature, obviously it is an "exclusive-or" relationship, as reflected in the "xor" suffix. HTH. ================================================================================ From: revchas@sorrydave.org Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Jesus Saves. Moses Invests. Cthulhu Forecloses. ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: bofh.osfh.nt Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc. [discussion of Microsoft's disaster recovery procedure] > Ooh! What bit of brain-deadness is the 'DRP'? "Simply restore your files from the newsgroup(s) you posted them to during your most recent backup." ================================================================================ From: Simon Cozens Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bethnal Green is PEOPLE! Lionel writes: > The saddest part is that the [stripper] industry strongly encourages cynicism, > so they get suspicious of anyone who treats them nicely. They usually end up > in a really nasty vicious circle. Which is, of course, completely unlike sysadminhood. ================================================================================ From: catfood@junior.apk.net (Mark W. Schumann) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery "Instructions are only for people who don't know what they're doing." --- Bob the Builder ================================================================================ From: INVALID_SEE_SIG@example.com (J.D. Baldwin) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Revealed on a need-to-know basis > I need a vacation. Bog helps those who help themselves. You'll probably get some time off if your workplace should mysteriously burn to the ground. I'm just saying. ================================================================================ From: James Riden Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Edinburgh University [discussion of 300-dimensional (vector) space] Reality has nothing to do with it, this is math. ================================================================================ From: http://www.kleinbottle.com/specs_for_nice_klein_bottl.htm#Dont%20Freeze For best results, avoid doing stupid things. ================================================================================ From: gerg@panix.com (Greg Andrews) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: I have a map of the United States that's actual size Jan Ingvoldstad writes: > > I'm not touching GNU Emacs 21.x yet, not even with a remote controlled robot. > Been there, done that, learned the lesson. Maybe 21.7 will be okay, [...] Ah, Emacs has achieved MTV Syndrome: "The next one will be a good one." ================================================================================ From: Simon Cozens Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bethnal Green is PEOPLE! LARTing lusers is supposed to be satisfying. This is just tedious. The silly shite I'm doing now is like trying to toothpick to death a Black Knight made of jelly. - Red Drag Diva ================================================================================ From: revchas@sorrydave.org Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery What did you do to the cat? It looks half-dead. -- Schroedinger's wife ================================================================================ From: zebee@zip.com.au (Zebee Johnstone) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Pacific Internet (Australia) Anecdotes are good for making people feel like they have useful information, but only lusers think that the plural of anecdote is evidence. ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA You cannot run Windows innocently. Guilt of aiding & abetting, at the very least, is automatic. Loading up on anti-virus and firewall software, even decent ones, are merely well-meaning actions to be taken into consideration by judge and jury when deciding your sentence. -- DPM, in the Monastery. ================================================================================ From: Robert Waldner Newsgroups: bofh.mtafh.misc Organization: Bah. Speaking only for me humble self. "Damn and blast British Telecom!" shouted Dirk, the words coming easily from years of practice. -- Douglas Adams ================================================================================ From: "Arvid =?iso-8859-1?q?Gr=F8tting?=" Sender: arvidg@merced.netfonds.no Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Three of your friends throw up after eating chicken salad. Do you think "I should find more robust friends" or "we should check that refrigerator"? -- Donald Becker, on vortex-bug, suspecting a network-wide problem. ================================================================================ From: Rick Dickinson Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Dickinson Consulting Services "So if you are wondering if you can just throw the tapes in the garbage, the answer is no, they have data on them. But if you're wondering if you can restore your crashed disk contents from a tape, the answer is no, they have no data on them." -- Alan J. Rosenthal, on the zen nature of backups ================================================================================ From: Dale R Worley Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Organization: The World @ Software Tool & Die Paranoia is certainly the hot emotion right now. In extreme form it leads to the Oklahoma City bombings, but it seems to be prevalent across a wide section of America. I guess it has its attractions; after all, why be insignificant when for no effort at all you can fantasize that you're so important that the government is out to get you? -- David Field ================================================================================ From: revchas@sorrydave.org Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery On the other hand, my programs tend to be both robust and portable. And by "portable" I don't mean the newfangled definition of "runs on any version of [MicroSoft] Windows". :-p - Charlie Gibbs ================================================================================ Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery,alt.tech-support.recovery From: Dale R Worley "...[T]he harried saints of the tech department (who can never be paid enough as far as I'm concerned--I cannot imagine what it's like to know nearly everything about systems and have to deal, daily, with people who know nearly nothing about systems. It's like being a cosmologist at an astrology convention)...." -- James Lileks ================================================================================ Sender: Matt Roberds From: mroberds@worldnet.att.net Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Cox Communications [where can I get some T*v*l* experience?] Your pager can be set off by email, right? Write a script/program to page you when a user is one byte over quota on a 100 GB filesystem that is 5% full, but to NOT page you when /tmp fills up. Also have it page you at random intervals from 2200 to 0600. There, you've got the experience. ================================================================================ From: mycroft@tragedy.biomass.to (Michael Farebrother) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Tragic Biomass Services The current conventional logic behind why we do not have a html to text converter is the overhead that would be placed on the machine, browser and email app that would seriously hinder performance. -- Microsoft, from BUGTRAQ, on why HTML support can't be disabled in Outlook ================================================================================ From: viro@steklov.math.psu.edu (Alexander Viro) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: -ENOENT Personally, I wouldn't say that using exit() in an asynchronous signal handler is an "appaling perversion", but the only thing that stops me from doing so is that I know how to spell "appalling". Eric Sosman in comp.unix.internals ================================================================================ From: "Robert McCown" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: The World : www.TheWorld.com : Since 1989 Cue bit about the 4 seasons in Canada. Snow, more snow, still snowing, and construction. ================================================================================ From: jguthrie@brokersys.com Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Texas is just like that without the snow. ================================================================================ From: abuse@mooli.org.uk (Peter Corlett) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: cabal.org.uk news service, Leeds, UK. When I'm an old bastard, I'll be telling stories to the young'uns about Emacs and Unix, and they probably think I'm making it all up because it's not listed on the microsoft.gov website. ================================================================================ From: Timothy Lynch http://www.starfleetlibrary.com/tng/tng5/darmok.htm TFO: Zinda --- his face black, his eyes red! Picard: Temarc! The river Temarc --- in winter! TFO: (inquisitive) Darmok? Picard: (decisive) And Jalad. At Tanagra. Darmok, and Jalad --- on the ocean. TFO: (pleased) Sokath, his eyes open! Picard: The beast of Tanagra. Uzani, his army. Shaka, when the walls fell. The Tamarians bow in reverence to Dathon. Picard holds Dathon's log in his hand, and they beam it over. TFO: Picard and Dathon --- at El-Adrel. (to his crew) Mirab, with sails unfurled. Picard: (holds up the knife, offering it) Temba, his arms open. TFO: Temba...at rest. (they depart) (also https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2014/06/star-trek-tng-and-the-limits-of-language-shaka-when-the-walls-fell/372107/ ) ================================================================================ From: lego@ericharshbarger.org (Eric Harshbarger) http://www.ericharshbarger.org/lego/desk.html "Sure. I can build you a desk." ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA Offhand, I'd say you need to clean your guns in front of your CPU salesman. --- Matthew Stitt, in bit.listserv.ibm-main ================================================================================ From: satyap@satyaonline.cjb.net (Satya) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery >Perhaps mLl/sec would be an appropriate measure? I think this is the unit of "suckitude". If you run $PROGRAM with a suckitude of n for t seconds, the total "suckage" would be nt. ================================================================================ From: "definitely what" <^#*&$@ennui.org> Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Hümper Dü Boys Choir Peter da Silva wrote: >And I don't know about you, but I'm not a bloody bit of topography. Actually, you are, and while your mobility certainly causes problems, your scalar insignificance allows us to round you off during mapping sessions. ================================================================================ From: Alexander Zangerl Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bakunin, Kropotkin & Co. `bastard operators from hell' anagrams to `shatterproof armored balls'. --- Cliff Miller ================================================================================ From: mikea@mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Department of Forensic Thaumaturgy, Miskatonic University, Arkham, MA Lots of couples say, "We want a baby." I never heard one say, "We want a teen-ager." -- Ruth Moore, private communication ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc. Geoff Lane wrote: > ObRackQuake: Someone here opened up a rack door to look for some space for > a new disk array and discovered that the rack had _failed_ and all the > existing disk arrays units were canted over at an angle and were only > supported by a random plastic packing cast off that was being "stored" in > the rack. It turned out that a small electricly isolating spacer widget had > failed. Of course there were no spares as racks don't fail... We took a > four hour service break because ten years ago someone decided that they > would save 0.1 cents per unit by using plastic in a load baring structure. I admire that typo so much that I'm willing to believe it was intentional. ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@LART.ca (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: None. Come on, you expect me to be organized or something? (I occasionally read web pages in Japanese. In the Good Old Days, I could use lynx to do so. Since the last upgrade, I can't do that any more, because some bugger decided that he was going to be a smartarse and not let my Japanese terminal worry about the text by itself. The problem with smart software is generally that it's nowhere near as smart as it thinks it is.) "A fool and his hovercraft are soon parted." -- Anthony de Boer ================================================================================ From: "Owen Jacobson" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Bell Sympatico Apparently, Bogdan Iamandei wrote: >> Hand grenade. > Parsed as HAND grenade. Was wondering what about a HTH landmine? Available along with a complete line of YHBT semiautomatic weapons and UI cluster munitions at your neighbourhood Monastery Outfitters. Call now and ask for our complete catalogue. ================================================================================ From: revchas@sorrydave.org Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Oh well. Hands up everyone surprised that C++ got it wrong. - Peter da Silva ======================================================================= From: Jack Twilley Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery I am being generous and assuming that you're just too stupid to understand exactly what this place is all about. ======================================================================= From: flaps@dgp.toronto.edu (Alan J Rosenthal) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Dynamic Graphics Project, University of Toronto Paul Martin writes: >Tanuki the Raccoon-dog wrote: >> And does Earth actually respond to DHCP requests? > >DHCPNAK FULLGOAWAY to ff:ff:ff:ee:et:ee via sat0 DHCPINSIST ALLYOURBASEAREBELONGTOUS from ff:ff:ff:ee:et:ee via sat0 ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc. One of the great joys of my current employment is that, as far as I know, I do not have a title. I just show up and work. The other joy, of course, is that I don't have to fill out timesheets. SCORE!!! $DEITY will now strike me dead. Goodbye, it's been nice knowing you all. ================================================================================ From: revchas@sorrydave.org Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Your lusers are apparently much smarter than my lusers. --- David P. Murphy ================================================================================ From: "Shmuel (Seymour J.) Metz" Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Atid/2 >>>6/6/3? That's not a haiku. >>>Accidents Happen >>>After carefully planning >>>the BOFH knows peace, calm. >> Weather. >Or knot. Wye Knott? Big computer plays games Throws rocks at Earth in Summer Then takes Winter nap. ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc. kevin wrote: > The "I'll sue you" type of luser has been the easiest for me to shut up, so > far. I just refuse all further contact or discussion with them and tell them > they need to have their attorney snail mail me further diatribes. Seems > these morons will waste all day on the phone if it is a local call, or spend > half their waking hours writing e-mail, but lawyers $CHARGE for their calls > and letters. Lawyers will also charge the luser to inform them that they are > a fucking idiot if they think they have a winnable case. s/think they have/think they don't have/ Right? ================================================================================ From: armageddon@heresiarch.demon.co.uk (Chris Suslowicz) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Forces of Evil PLC In article , dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) wrote: > kevin wrote: > > > Lawyers will also charge the luser to inform them that they are > > a fucking idiot if they think they have a winnable case. > > s/think they have/think they don't have/ > > Right? Could go either way: a) Lawyer informs client that he does not think it is a winnable case. b) "You are a fucking idiot if you think you have a winnable case." ================================================================================ From: armageddon@heresiarch.demon.co.uk (Chris Suslowicz) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Forces of Evil PLC "Phnglui mgwlnafth Cthulhu rlyey wghnagl fthagn." "In his flat in Bromley, drunk Cthulhu waits knitting? I think a few subtle typos may have crept into that one." "That explains why this shoggoth I summoned is only 3mm tall." - Peter da Silva and Peter Gutmann in the scary.devil.monastery ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@LART.ca (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: None. Come on, you expect me to be organized or something? In article , Robert Waldner wrote: : Read: if the suspect is convicted of $something it's perfectly OK to do : $anything to him. You need to get your modem looked at, it's inserting dollar signs at random into your articles. ================================================================================ Newsgroup: alt.tv.buffy Angel rescues a comely young female. Spike is watching from a rooftop and provides audio commentary for us as we watch the two interact . . . [sultry voice] How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad hunk of a night thing? [deep voice] No need, little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No, not the hair! Never the hair! [sultry voice] But there must be someway I can show my appreciation. [deep voice] No, helping those in need is my job. Working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough! [sultry voice] I understand. I have a nephew who is gay, so- [deep voice] Say no more. Evil's still afoot! And I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy hair-gel that I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away! [normal voice] Go on with you. Play the big, strapping hero while you can. You have a few surprises coming your way. The ring of Amarra --- a visit from your old pal Spike --- and, oh yeah, your gruesome, horrible death. ================================================================================ From: http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/2002/08/28/0wnz0red/ (Cory Doctorow) Software was released without any copy-prevention tech because everyone knew that copy-prevention tech /didn't work/. Nevertheless, Hollywood was always chewing the scenery and hollering, they just didn't believe that the hairfaces and ponytails didn't have some seekrit tech that would keep their movies safe from copying until the heat death of the universe or the expiry of copyright, whichever came last. ================================================================================ From: Anthony Colosetti English was a language invented by Norman invaders to pick up Anglo-Saxon barmaids. It retains much of this character. --- Either from H. Beam Piper or Paul Drye's English professor Peter Newman English doesn't "pick up" loan words, it consciously stalks them. --- Andrew Moffatt-Vallance We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. --- James D. Nicoll ================================================================================ From: dpm@myths.com (David P. Murphy) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Phase of the Moon Software Inc. definitely what <^#*&$@ennui.org> wrote: > J.D. Baldwin wrote: >>In the previous article, Lieven Marchand wrote: >>> And we can always mount a spare /earth if the resources run out. >>"Spare"? I thought the one we had mounted was the *scratch* earth! Shit. > I'm pretty sure we're still in beta. earth::god # uptime 12:44am up 6006 years 5 months 21 days, 2:50, 5644378905 users, load average: #.## #.## #.## earth::god # ================================================================================ From: The Horny Goat Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Shaw Residential Internet My son asked me how Lord of the Rings ends --- I told him "Frodo decides he'd rather keep the Ring, the Hobbits get enslaved, a major character dies, and nearly everyone lives happily every after". All true, all totally disingenuous. ================================================================================ From: armageddon@heresiarch.demon.co.uk (Chris Suslowicz) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Forces of Evil PLC I'm rather fond of the line: "<%@ LANGUAGE = "VBScript" %> <% Dim View %> " that appeared at the top of http://www.otowi.com/about.htm Yes, I _do_ take a Dim View of it, TYVM. ================================================================================ From: Geoff Lane Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Manchester Computing /\ Geoff. Lane. /\ Manchester Computing /\ Manchester /\ M13 9PL /\ England /\ alp ant ape bar be bin clerk crag crt cuba envy faber fur gag gel gin gnat green greer iraq irk jura nag ncr nyc one onyx or ova peg pent phon pyrex rail she snore tang terra terre tnt try vend vex vi when - phevbhf? Gel ebg13 ================================================================================ From: revchas@sorrydave.org Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Kids these days - no sense of history! "notes" was sort of a competitor to Usenet, but which sucked more. And interestingly enough, back in those days the product which sucked more faded away, rather than becoming the industry standard. -- Paul Tomblin ================================================================================ From: fweps@greenmail.ch (Florian M. Weps) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: WeAreStupid dot com WeAreIdiots dot com have been dabbling with things better left undabbled. And so by performing unspeakable ceremonies and invoking elder management, worshippers of the ancient incomprehensibly crocky software development project once again established a foothold in the data center, and soon dominated many subnets. Fierce meetings were held, factions joined and schisms gaped, but in the end all battles were lost. We, the remaining faithful were forced into servitude, and our lot became to watch and guard the beastly creeping masses of bloat and non-scalability which constituted the new creed, the opulent, baroque manifestation of a victorious cargo-cult. The acolytes wanted faster machines. And more memory. Better networks. More storage, faster disks, and redundant, resilient, highly available systems. However, their Great Earth Worm crawled and would never fly to become a Dragon of the Heavens. Then they grew afraid of the very ground it slithered over, lest a little twig or splinter scratch its soft belly. An IDS was the solution! They bought a license and evaluated and tested, but the swelling bulk seemed ever more naked to them, and they grew insane at the sight. I know they must be quite gaga because I received a call and an e-mail, urgent messages both, by horrified bringers of bad news: a quota file was reported as changed by their infallible IDS, and worse, there was compelling evidence in favour of the theory of little gnomes re-installing the entire system after every scheduled full backup. *** But I was busy with the latest clownery by our management, and so was unable to scatter their fears and soothe their toubled souls: for I had been appointed - this is painful to type - Power User of our new timesheet application. In this office I had to walk around and teach my co-workers the intricate gestures of this most recently fashionable of fool's dances. "No, you have to use this particular web-browser, which is not our corporate standard, in order to access the web-gooey." "Yes, the old spreadsheet was faster to open, but this isn't so bad either; you just have to log in, then click this button, then this triangle, then double click this other button. You don't have to enter your org. unit into this field, but simply click on this inconspicuous button in the upper left corner, and everything will happen automatically, all that remains to do is click here and there, and you have successfully entered the timesheet!" "When you are on call, you have to type the time into this table, but each call you receive goes into this other table." "Don't forget to duplicate this information in this other hidden form which you reach by double-clicking the semicircular frob which pops up only when you aren't looking at it directly". "Do not ever use the browser's navigation buttons, they confuse the application; use the three-pixel-wide buttons provided by the application instead." "Don't just close the browser window; you won't be able to log in again for an hour otherwise" "Of course the numbers don't add up - in spite of this system being called 'Realtime', all calculations are performed by imps eating paper tape and crapping punched cards in batches once a day." "Yes, mister Boss, all the other bosses can evaluate these reports about your subordinates just like you can." "While you can use the asterisk as a wildcard symbol, you still have to get the case of the letters you type exactly right in this search box. And you can't use wildcard characters at all in this other, similar-looking search box." "I fully agree that by far the worst problem among the grave functionality bungles of this system is how the column titles are not displayed prettily." *** And today I received a call from three disgruntled upper management types complaining because I had shut down the old perl-and-postgres web timesheet. I tried to reason with them: "Why, we have this new professional system and -" "But we said we would use them in parallel for a month and you can't just shut it off at the end of the month!" "Nobody told me not to; and I asked my boss, the accountants, and HR before I did." Turns out the PHBs had decided among themselves that it should run for another month "just to be sure" (of what? That the sun will rise in the morning?), and we had failed to read their minds or see it in the flight of the bats or the entrails of our lusers. So it was my fault, and I had to bring it back online. It's not even as if anybody is ever going to actually generate any more reports from the data entered into it from the beginning of this year. But I had dared to shut off a Productive System (which it was not: no service agreements signed, no monopoly money paid, no category in our Trouble Ticket system), without scheduling a Change for it (which would have been impossible due to lack of a heading in the Change Management system), and against Decisions made by our senior management (which had never been communicated - to use their jargon - to me). Florian ================================================================================ From: Geoff Lane Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Manchester Computing XP is helpful in the same way a small puppy is helpful when it pees on the letters before carrying them, covered in puppy spit, to your chair. On second thoughts, XP more like a luser who will not describe the symptoms of a problem they are having. Instead they tell you what you should change to fix their problem without regard to any other user or application that may suffer. ================================================================================ From: baldwin+bnews@panix.com (J.D. Baldwin) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Revealed on a need-to-know basis Risk: An attacker using the HTTP-GET-FILE attack can gain access to files on your system, particularly those in the 'web page' area of your hard drive. Solution: To prevent both malicious and inadvertent HTTP-GET-FILE packets from compromising data stored in these areas, unplug the server and, using a heavy-duty wire cutter, snip the head off the power cord. ================================================================================ From: Geoff Lane Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Manchester Computing [a proposed setup for a new web service] specifies a specific _minor_ release of gzip. Whenever I see this kind of stupidity I dread the future, because I know that the software versions were determined by reading off the versions that worked in the prototype and no real testing has been done at all. ================================================================================ From: dagbrown@LART.ca (Dave Brown) Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: None. Come on, you expect me to be organized or something? In article , wrote: : Ah, I see: "cagers" refers to idiots in cars, rather than any car driver? : Is there a special derogatory term for a fuckwit on a bike, or can we : just call them fuckwits? "Spokeheads" is a good one. --Dave ================================================================================ A Navy Diver is not a fighting man --- he is a salvage expert. If it's lost underwater, he finds it. If it's sunk, he brings it up. If it's in the way, he moves it. If he is lucky, he will die young 200 feet beneath the waves, for that is the closest he will ever get to being a hero. Hell, I don't know why *anybody* would want to be a Navy Diver. ================================================================================ From: drcreaux@fredcorp.com URL: http://www.fredcorp.com/vortex/reviews/b/batlerthPM.htm I would have given this movie one Coolness Point if it had had a monkey in it. 'Course, there could have been a monkey and I was too busy trying to claw my eyes out to see it. --- Patrick Mines reviews _Battlefield Earth_ ================================================================================ From: Rebecca Ore URL: http://mysite.verizon.net/rebecca.ore/may_essay.html Good users don't take time away from keeping the system functional. That's all the TOS we need, really. ================================================================================ Stan Laurel was asked once to define comedy and he replied, "How the hell should I know?", which always struck me as the definitive statement on the subject. --- Mark Evanier ================================================================================ Once upon a midnight dreary, while I websurfed, weak and weary, Over many a strange and spurious website of 'hot chicks galore', While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour. "'Tis not possible!" I muttered, "Give me back my cheap hardcore!" Quoth the server, "Four oh four". ================================================================================ Unix: Your gun, your bullet, your foot, your choice. MS: Same as Unix, but no choice, and we aim higher. ================================================================================ Don't forget to position the speakers lower than the hi-fi so the electrons aren't flowing against gravity. -- James Riden Amateurs design for gravity, professionals also design for the Coriolis effect. -- Kevin Goebel /Experts/ compensate for electron-spin. -- Lionel *REAL* audiophiles shield against ambient Neutrino flux. -- Shmuel (Seymour J.) Metz ================================================================================ "Note to self: high-fiving is dangerous in a zero-G environment." -- Riff in http://sluggy.com/daily.php?date=010722 ================================================================================ From: John Clarke Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery > Kingdoms have subjects; democracies have citizens. And democracies++ will have objects. -- Anthony de Boer ================================================================================ From: Simon Cozens Newsgroups: bofh.general Organization: Bethnal Green is PEOPLE! #define struct union /* Great space saver */ ================================================================================ From: abuse@leftmind.net (Anthony de Boer - USEnet) Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Organization: Not in my right mind I was profoundly disappointed when I found out that procmail did not, in fact, do anything proctological to spammers. ================================================================================ New Yankee Workshop isn't a "how to" for home hobbyists, it's "Baywatch" for powertool fetishists. -- Geoff Kinnel ================================================================================ I may as well just give myself a porn star name: henceforth I shall be known as "Big Endian". -- Jim GreyArea I'd really like to see your most significant bit. -- Paul Martin Just a nibble.... -- Graham Reed But does he byte? -- Matt Trout Only during a head crash. -- Jim GreyArea ================================================================================ WWhhaatt ddooeess ""hhaallff dduupplleexx"" mmeeaann?? -- Satya ================================================================================ I just purchased a shiny new Leatherman Wave.[...] It's likely that random objects in the house will spend the next few days being plied, screwdriven, and scissed. When you have a Leatherman, everything looks Leathermanipulable. -- Nathan McCoy ================================================================================ I'm afraid you'll have more chance of nicking us under section 4 of the Misuse of Teaspoons Act 1923. -- Clive ================================================================================ During the rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Traveller came as a very large and moving Torb. Then of course in the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex supplicants they chose a new form for him, that of a Sloar. Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar *that* day, I can tell you! ================================================================================ Arrrgh, matey. I wuz born in th' bowels o' the earth, sulficatious and hotter than the blast o' a spanish cannon. Me golden face may sometimes be striated, an' even octahedral. I've a specific gravity that swims somewhere around 5.0, as like as not, and a conchoidal fracture, and am polymorphic with mah goodly chum, Marcas. -- "Hunter", _Talk like a Pyrite Day_ (found on the Daily Kos) ================================================================================ Sendmail admins wear grey. They work much harder than we do, because they're so frightfully clever. I'm really awfully glad I use Exim, because I don't work so hard. And then we are much better than the Postfixers and Qm*ilers. Postfix admins are stupid. They all wear green, and Qm*il admins wear khaki. -- RBW ================================================================================ #include #define SIX 1 + 5 #define NINE 8 + 1 int main(void) { printf("The real meaning of life: %d\n", SIX * NINE); return 0; } ================================================================================ We prove that "generic" doesn't necessarily mean "expensive". ================================================================================ you still can't say anything with certainty though since the bible has like, a fucking black hole between jesus being a kid and his preaching days Phase 1, birth Phase 2, ??? Phase 3, Prophet ================================================================================ And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domains, he wept, for there were no more URLs to conquer. ================================================================================ "The bullets are just his way of saying 'Keep it down, I've got a hangover.'" -- Kiki to Dr. Schlock, as seen in http://sluggy.com/daily.php?date=000108 ================================================================================ "I just want to say one thing. To the fans and everybody in Gator Nation, I'm sorry. Extremely sorry. I promise you one thing. A lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country play as hard as I will play the rest of the season, and you will never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of the season, and you will never see a team play harder that we will the rest of the season. God bless." --- Tim Tebow, postgame conference, 27 SEP 2008 ================================================================================ "No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise." --- Rorschach, _Watchmen_ ================================================================================ I ache, I sob, I whimper, I die. --- the words of the flower in the third Canto of _Sommer's Vehicles_, in the Robert Silverberg story, "The Sixth Palace" ================================================================================ Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. --- Drew Carey ================================================================================ Sure as I know anything, I know this: they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, ten? They'll swing back to the belief that they can make people "better". And I do not hold to that. --- Malcolm Reynolds, _Serenity_ ================================================================================ Now, many months later, my clearest memory of that whole Killy scene is a momentary expression on the face of a man who had nothing to do with it. He was a drummer and lead singer in a local jazz-rock band I heard one night at a New Hampshire ski resort where Killy was making a sales appearance. I was killing time in a dull midnight bistro when this nondescript little bugger kicked off his own version of a thing called "Proud Mary" --- a heavy blues shot from Creedence Clearwater. He was getting right into it, and somewhere around the third chorus I recognized the weird smile of a man who had found his own rhythm, that rumored echo of a high white sound that most men never hear. I sat there in the dark smoke of that place and watched him climb . . . far up on some private mountain to that point where you look in the mirror and see a bright bold streaker, blowing all the fuses and eating them like popcorn on the way up. --- Hunter S. Thompson, in "The Temptations of Jean-Claude Killy," from The Great Shark Hunt: Gonzo Papers, Volume 1, pp.94-5 ===================== She does not speak falsely She does not speak falsely She does not speak falsely Benzoylmethylecgonine --- neither Eric Clapton nor J. J. Cale