I Love Lisa

I Love Lisa                                               Written by Frank Mula
                                                         Directed by Wes Archer

TV Guide synopsis

When Lisa gives Chief Wiggum's klutzy son a ``pity'' valentine, he's
in love, which will remain unrequited---despite his gift of two
tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show.  Voices: Yeardley Smith, Nancy
Cartwright, Hank Azaria.

Title sequence

The entire title sequence is a duplicate of [8F04].

Blackboard

    {I will not squeak chalk.} accompanied by squeaking noises.
    {I will not sque} at cutoff.

Lisa's solo

    Transcribed by Alan J Rosenthal {ajr}, amended by {rjc}, in 4/4

                      .                 . .     .
                   b  b   b b             b     -
              1..887./3__87878_ 1..8888/5_3868_/3.

Driveway

    Homer says ``D'oh!'' when Lisa scoots past.
    Homer yells ``Waugh!'' when Marge closes in on him.

Couch

    A four-armed, one-eyed green octopus-alien enjoys a can
    of soda on the Simpsons' couch.  It makes its escape
    through a trap door in the floor before the family arrive.
    The Simpsons leap on the couch---and they all fit.

    (The [8F04] capsule mis-identifies the beverage as beer.
    Most aliens I know do not use a straw to drink beer.)

Quotes and scene summary

   

 While Marty accidentally plays ``Monster Mash'' to start off KBBL's
 Valentine's Day schedule, Bart carefully paints insults on candy
 hearts.  At Springfield Retirement Castle, Grampa scoffs
 at the invented holiday---until he sees the card Jasper received
 from his grand-daughter.  And Moe receives a valentine from his
 secret admirer:  Barney.  Meanwhile, in the Simpsons household...
   
   Marge: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.
          [serves Homer breakfast of eggs and bacon, spelling out ``I
          love you'']
   Homer: [thinking]  Special day!?  Oh, what have I forgot now?
          Now don't panic.  Is it Bacon Day?  No, that's crazy-talk.
   Marge: [smile gradually fades from her radiant visage]
   Homer: [thinking] She's getting impatient!  Take a stab at it!
          [aloud]  Happy... Valentine's Day...
   Marge: [rubbing his head]  (*squeak*) (*squeak*)  Aw, thank you, dear.
   Homer: [in celebration] Woo-hoo!
   -- Not Bacon Day, <Eggs> and Bacon Day, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 When Bart asks Homer what his gift to Marge is, Homer insists that
 nobody makes a big deal out of Valentine's Day.  Until he sees Ned
 serenading his beloved Maude.  Homer heads upstairs to get his, uh,
 gift, yeah, that's it.  The family follow his frantic footsteps
 through the hall, out the window (```Wauuuuuugh!'') onto the lawn...

 ... and into the Kwik-E-Mart.  Apu has just the thing:  A (dusty)
 heart-shaped box of chocolates.  He asks $100.  Homer refuses.  But
 Apu knows better.  Homer finally caves in and plunks down the money.
   
   If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.
   -- Apu thinks to himself, ``I Love Lisa''
   
   Apu:   Nickel off on expired baby food.
   Homer: Sold!
   -- Think of the money he's saving, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 In class, Janey is anxious to begin exchanging valentines...
   
   Ms. Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store
               the valentines.
   Lisa:       Isn't that just pointless busy-work?
   Ms. Hoover: [taps her nose] Bull's-eye.  Get cracking.
   -- Crack the bull-whip?  ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Ralph has trouble with the project.
   
   Ralph:      My parents won't let me use scissors.
   Class:      [giggles and snickers]
   Ms. Hoover: The children are right to laugh, Ralph.  These scissors
               couldn't cut butter.  [demonstrates on her arm]
   -- All the better to slice you to pieces with, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Ralph has another problem:  He ate his red crayon.  The P.A.
 crackles to life.
   
   Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner.  Some student (possibly
   Bart Simpson) has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color
   sentiments.
   -- What can I say, I've got a weakness for the classics, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Principal Skinner emphasizes that Valentine's Day is no joke, as he
 slips into a flashback of Da Nang, 1969.  His pal Johnny is
 mercilessly gunned down as he addresses a valentine to his sweetie.
 Skinner's repeated cries of ``Johnny!'' echo through the school.
   
   Cool, I broke his brain!
   -- Bart, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 The students' mailboxes complete, Miss Hoover allows the valentine
 exchange to begin.
   
   Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder  Heh.
   -- Ralph, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Valentine distribution begins, accompanied by a few paper airplanes.
 Everyone's box is brimming with cards, except for Ralph's, which
 is empty.  Noting Ralph's sad state, Lisa quickly re-addresses one
 of her valentines and gives it to Ralph.  The card reads, ``I
 Choo-Choo-Choose You, Happy Valentines''.  Lisa cheerfully wishes
 Ralph a ``Happy Valentine's'' as she returns to her seat.  Ralph
 sighs heavily, clutching the card to his breast.

 In the cafeteria, Bart eagerly awaits the special Valentine's Day
 lunch.  A truck-load of surplus beef hearts is delivered---on the
 floor.  Bart takes a bite, then clutches his heart in pain.
 ``Baboon heart... my body... rejecting it...''  A heart pops out of
 Bart's shirt.  The other students scream in disgust.

 The school bell rings, and Ralph is waiting as Lisa walks past.  He
 accosts her and offers to walk her home.  Lisa reluctantly agrees.
 Ralph tries to make small talk, but doesn't seem to be making much
 progress.
   
   ... and my doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose-bleeds if I kept my
   finger out of there.
   -- Thank you Ralph, very graphic, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Lisa proclaims, ``Well, here's my house,'' and rushes inside...

 ... past Bart and Homer watching Itchy and Scratchy.  Another
 insanely violent cartoon, with a Valentine's theme.  Krusty appears,
 in a tuxedo.
   
   Hey, kids!  Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring
   clips like this one of Sideshow Mel wacked out on wowie-sauce!
   -- Krusty, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Said clip appears.  Sideshow Mel, clearly drunk, tells off Krusty
 big time.
   
   Bart:  I'd do anything to go to that show!
   Homer: I'd sell my first-born son!
   Bart:  Hey!
   Homer: You'll do as you're told!
   -- And if he doesn't, you can always exchange him (again), ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Lisa explains her predicament to Marge.  Homer overhears it as he
 grabs a beer from the fridge.
   
   Ah, sweet pity.  Where would my love life have been without it?
   -- Homer, ``I Love Lisa''
   
   Lisa:  What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
   Marge: Well, honey, when I...
   Homer: [puts up a hand] Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all.
          [enumerating them on his fingers]  ``I like you as a friend.''
          ``I think we should see other people.''  ``I don't speak English.''
   Lisa:  I get the idea.
   Homer: [not getting the hint] ``I'm married to the sea.''  ``I don't
          wanna kill you, but I will.'' ...
   -- What?  And break the code of the schoolyard?  ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Marge suggests Lisa tell Ralph she's flattered, ``but you're just
 not ready for this kind of thing.''
   
   Six simple words:  I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
   -- Homer's advice to Lisa on how to dissuade a suitor, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Lisa takes Marge's rather than Homer's advice.  At home, Ralph
 approaches his father, Chief Wiggum (still in uniform), who is busy
 smashing walnuts with the butt of his pistol.  Wiggum explains that
 the key is persistence.  ``Keep at it and never lose your cool.''
 When a nut refuses to crack, Wiggum takes a step back and shoots the
 nut.
   
   Let that be a lesson to the rest of you nuts!
   -- Chief Wiggum addresses a bowl of walnuts, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 When Ralph asks if persistence is how Chief Wiggum met his wife,
 Wiggum adds, ``Never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform.''
 As he reclines, his ample gut spills out of its uniform.

 [End of Act One.  Time: 8:00]  (Don't be fooled by the premature
 fade to black.)

 ``Only four days 'til my 29th anniversary show!''  Krusty gloats on
 the fact that the critics who predicted an early demise to his show
 have themselves met their demise.  Then introduces a clip in which
 Krusty learns why the urine monkey gets its name.
   
   That's funny for so many reasons.
   -- Bart, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Lisa agrees, but points out that ``to get those tickets, our parents would
 have to be part of Springfield's cultural elite!''
   
   Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?
   -- Homer, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 The doorbell rings.  Seeing that it's Ralph, Lisa hides.
   
   Lisa:  Just make up some excuse!  [running to hide]
   Homer: [answering the door]  She's in the can.  Go away.
   -- ``I Love Lisa''
   
 When Ralph professes, ``I'd do anything for Lisa,'' Homer decides to
 take him up on the offer.  Ralph gets dizzy from the tar fumes while
 reshingling the Simpsons roof, as Homer supervises from his hammock
 down below.

 Auditions for the President's Day Pageant are under way.
   
   Since boyhood, I have yearned to be on the one-dollar bill...
   -- Auditions for the part of George Washington, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Rex takes a bow and returns to his seat.  Miss Hoover announces the
 r\^oles.  Lisa will play Martha Washington, and the r\^ole of George
 Washington is given to... Ralph.  Rex is outraged, but Miss Hoover
 insists the decision was fair.  She not-too-subtly opens and closes
 the window shades, signalling Chief Wiggum outside, who graciously
 instructs his men to remove the `boot' from her car.

 While explaining her predicament to Bart, Lisa hears a knock at the
 door, but no one's there.  On the doorstep is a wrapped present: A
 Malibu Stacy convertible, with the card, ``Look in the tunk
 [sic].''  And in the tunk are two tickets to Krusty's anniversary
 show.  Bart complains about the unfairness of it all.
   
   I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are.
   I even have the Krusty Home-Pregnancy Test!
   -- Bart plans ahead, ``I Love Lisa''
   
   Lisa: I'm not sure if I <should> go.  I don't even like him.
   Bart: You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go.  It wouldn't be honest.
         <I'll> go, disguised as you.
   Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands?
   Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
   Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
   Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
   Lisa: What if...
   Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
   -- The things people will do for love, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Homer hangs a diploma from Oral Roberts University, scratching out
 ``Ned Flanders'' and writing his own name in its place.
   
   Lisa:  Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
   Homer: Sure it is, honey.  You <do> mean stealing, don't you?
   -- Haven't we gone through this before? ``I Love Lisa''
   
   Lisa:  My conscience is bothering me.
   Homer: Your conscience!?  Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie
          tell you what to do.  [a tiny Homer-angel appears]
   Homer's conscience: Homer, that's a terrible thing to say.
   Homer: Aw, shut up!
   Homer's conscience: [meekly] Yes, sir.  (*poof*)
   -- ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Chief Wiggum chauffeurs Ralph and Lisa to the anniversary show in
 the back seat of a police car.  Lisa asks how he got the tickets,
 and Wiggum explains.  At the Springfield-X theater, Krusty watches
 ``Debbie Does Springfield'' as Chief Wiggum enters (<still> in
 uniform) munching on popcorn.
   
   Ah, nothing beats a good porno movie.
   -- Chief Wiggum, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Krusty nervously asks, ``Is this a bust?''  Wiggum quickly agrees.
   
   Lisa:         That story isn't suitable for children.
   Chief Wiggum: Really?  I keep my pants on in this version.
   -- ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Lisa quickly returns to her seat.

 The show begins.  In the audience are Bill and Hillary Clinton.
   
   Hey, Mr. President!  I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you!
   -- Krusty, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Krusty tells a lame joke, and even though the `Applause' sign
 flashes, the audience remains silent.  Krusty quickly introduces a
 clip of Robert Frost in 1963 reading one of his poems.  Krusty makes
 faces at the camera, then asks, ``Hey, Frostie!  Want some snow,
 man?''  He pulls a rope, which dumps a huge load of synthetic snow
 on the poet.  Frost continues his poem.  The President laughs
 uproariously.

 Next clip is from 1973, ``Kroon Along With Krusty''.  A
 rock-and-roll Krusty sings, backdropped by psychedelic Laugh-In
 colors.  (``What was I on?'')

 Ralph asks Lisa if she'd like a bite of his ice cream.  Lisa
 politely declines, but Chief Wiggum (sitting next to Lisa) accepts
 the offer.  As the transfer is made, the chocolate falls into Lisa's
 lap.

 Krusty introduces a clip with Sideshow Raheem.  After the clip,
 Krusty is in the audience.
   
   Now, for my favorite part of the show.  ...  [squinting]  What's that say?
   -- Krusty, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 It's the dreaded ``Talk with the audience'' part.  As Krusty wanders
 the audience in search of a victim, Lisa quietly pleads, ``Oh no,
 don't show me with Ralph.''  Too late.  Ralph professes his love for
 Lisa and promises to marry her when he grows up.  Unable to stand it
 any longer, Lisa lets out a prolonged yell and adds, ``I don't like
 you.  I never liked you.  And the only reason I gave you that
 valentine is that nobody else would!''

 Freeze-frame.

 Watching a videotape of the incident, Bart narrates the scene
 frame-by-frame.  ``Watch this, Lis.  You can actually pinpoint the
 second when his heart rips in half.''  He does so.  Lisa covers her
 face.

 [End of Act Two.  Time: 14:14]

 Even the ducks in the pond spurn Ralph.  When Chief
 Wiggum learns that Lisa made a fool of his son (wasn't he there?),
 he announces, ``Well, she didn't reckon with the awesome power of
 the Chief of Police!''  But first, he has to find his badge.

 Homer is pulled over for having a broken tail-light.  Though nothing
 seems wrong until Chief Wiggum smashes it with his baton.
   
   Homer:        You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you
                 crooked cops!
   Chief Wiggum: [suddenly afraid] They are?  Oh, no!  Have they set a date?
   -- ``I Love Lisa''
   
 The President's Day Pageant begins.  At the refreshment stand,
 Principal Skinner instructs Groundskeeper Willie to water down the
 orange drink some more, in order to recoup their losses from `Fire
 Drill Follies'.
   
   Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater
   and <picking up after yourselves>.
   -- Principal Skinner's warm welcome (hint hint), ``I Love Lisa''
   
 The show begins with a parade of the lesser-known presidents.
   
   We are the mediocre presidents.
   You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents!
   There's Taylor, there's Tyler, there's Fillmore and there's Hayes.
   There's William Henry Harrison, ``I died in thirty days!''
   We... are... the... adequate, forgettable, occasionally regrettable
   Caretaker presidents of the U-S-A!
   -- President's Day Pageant, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Bart's bare-bottom rendition of Richard ``I am not a butt'' Nixon
 draws the intended response.
   
   Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act
   like a maniac?
   -- Miss Hoover gives Bart a scolding, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Lisa tries to apologize to Ralph, who answers, ``Leave me alone.
 I'm here to play George Washington.''  Ralph takes the costume for
 the wrong president.
   
   You have one line, and then you're shot.
   -- Miss Hoover coaches Milhouse on his r\^ole as Abraham Lincoln,
      ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Milhouse (as Lincoln) settles down to a nice evening at Ford's Theater.
 ``Oh no! John Wilkes Booth!''  Bart wears shades and wields a ping-pong
 ball gun.
   
   Hasta la vista, Abey.
   -- Bart Simpson plays John Wilkes Booth (the Assassinator), ``I Love Lisa''
   
 A struggle ensues.
   
   C'mon, boy!  Finish him off!
   -- Homer roots for John Wilkes Booth, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 Bart goes after Chester A. Arthur before he is yanked off the stage
 by Miss Hoover.  (``Unhand me, Yankee!'')
   
   Principal Skinner: And now, our evening comes to an end...
   Homer:             [stands up] Woo-hoo!
   Principal Skinner: ... with a thorough re-telling of the life of
                      George Washington.
   Homer:             [o.s.] D'oh!
   -- ``I Love Lisa''
   
 The curtain rises.  Lisa addresses Ralph, who is bent over the
 fireplace.  He sadly discards the Valentine's Day Card into the
 burning (!) fire and gives the performance of his life.
   
   Kerny: To the library!
   Jimbo: Yeah!
   -- ``I Love Lisa''
   
 The moving death scene concludes, and the show wraps up with a
 singing Mount Rushmore.  (I am not making this up.)  Principal
 Skinner encourages the audience to buy some orange drink on their
 way out.

 Ralph (still in costume) signs autographs, then spots Lisa on the
 swings.  He joins her, and she gives him a ``Let's be friends'' card.
 Chief Wiggum observes the scene from his patrol car.
   
   Attention all units!  Riot in progress at (*click*)
   -- Chief Wiggum turns a deaf ear, ``I Love Lisa''
   
 He switches the radio to the Bill and Marty Show (do those guys ever
 sleep?).  As Ralph and Lisa play on the swings, Marty accidentally
 plays ``Monster Mash''.

 [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:28]

 ``Monster Mash'' continues over the credits.
   

Voice credits

Starring

    Dan Castellaneta    (Homer, Krusty, Groundskeeper Willie)
    Julie Kavner        (Marge, Patty, Selma)
    Nancy Cartwright    (Bart)
    Yeardley Smith      (Lisa)
    Hank Azaria         (Moe, Apu, Chief Wiggum)
    and
    Harry Shearer       (nearly everybody else)

Also starring

    Michael Carrington  (Rex?)
    Doris Grau          (Lunch Lady Doris)
    Pamela Hayden       (Milhouse)
    Maggie Roswell      (Miss Hoover)

Didja notice...

    ... Lunch Lady Doris is smoking a cigarette as she prepares the food?
    ... the Krusty Home Pregnancy Test contains the warning, ``May
        cause birth defects''?

Movie (and other) References

    * Star Trek
    	- Groundskeeper Willie's Scotty impersonation.
    - The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson
        - The layout of the studio in Krusty's clips
        - A Joan Embry wannabe introducing Krusty to some exotic animals

Freeze Frame Fun

Bart's Valentine candies

    - Kiss off
    - Eat my shorts
    - Prize Pig
    - U stink

Comments and other observations

References obvious and obscure

Do You Think I'm Sexy?

Ned Flanders sings a sanitized version of this lascivious classic.

Rejected

Chief Wiggum's smashing the car tail lamp was a generic ``bad cop''
reference.

United States Presidents

The section presented for the benefit of non-US viewers and US viewers
who didn't pay attention in history class.

President's Day

Once upon a time, the birthdays of presidents George Washington (22
February) and Abraham Lincoln (12 February) were celebrated as
independent holidays.  Both were phenomenally insignificant holidays,
which nearly all companies didn't even deign to offer as paid
holidays, with the exceptions of government agencies and banks,
continuing the unwritten rule that government agencies and banks must
observe every holiday, no matter how minor, so as to cause maximal
discomfort to everyone else.  Springfield Nuclear Power Plant also
observed both holidays.  (See episode [7F01].)

In the 1970's [I believe; Jym Dyer will no doubt correct me --rjc],
when the federal government realized that these were two holidays that
nobody cared about, the separate holidays were combined into a single
holiday that nobody cared about, with the generic name ``President's
Day'', celebrated on some random day in mid-February.

Selected presidents

Ralph took the costume for Franklin Delano Roosevelt rather than
George Washington.  FDR was confined to a wheelchair for most of his
life, owing to polio.  The fact was, however, hidden from the public
for much of his tenure.  (Roosevelt would occasionally be seen
standing, but he was always standing behind a lectern or otherwise
carefully positioned so that he'd have something to lean against.)

Lisa's valentine

Jim Dyer @{jd} recognizes Lisa's valentine from the ``Thomas the
Tank Engine'' valentine pack.  There's another card in the pack that
seems custom-made for Ralph:
\C
	Happy Valentine's Day, FRIEND!
\eC
The last word is very large, and in all caps.  Guess Lisa was
asleep at the switch when she cho-cho-chose the card to give
to Ralph.

President Clinton's appearance

The newspaper ``USA Today'' (6 Nov 1992, Page D-1) reported that
President Clinton would appear on an episode in February dealing with
Krusty's campaign for higher office in Springfield.  They were close.
(This episode originally aired on 11 February 1993.)

Miscellaneous

Lisa walks home, although she takes the school bus, which explains how
Bart got home before she did.  (Bart must have taken the bus.)  But why
was she walking home in the first place?

Ther was no chocolate stain on Lisa's dress as she yells,
``Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!''  Maybe they <do> come
out?

Boring distribution restrictions

Blah blah blah blah.

CNN Headline News had a brief story on American programs being
exported to foreign (oops, ``international'') markets.  Brief
clips were shown of ``Krusty Gets Busted'' dubbed in French.

When asked to explain the success of ``The Simpsons'' in Turkey...

    I think ``The Simpsons'' would be popular in any country where fathers
    are screaming and strangling their kids. -- Matt Groening