Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie

Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie
                                                   Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                         Directed by Rich Moore

TV Guide Synopsis

Bart's responsibility for a mishap with Maggie forces Homer to finally
stand firm and punish the boy---by barring him from seeing the ``Itchy
and Scratchy'' movie.  Voices: Nancy Cartwright, Harry Shearer.

Title sequence

Blackboard

    {I will not bury the new kid.}
    {I will not bury the |\} at cutoff.

Lisa's solo

    Traditional.

Driveway

        Homer yells, ``D'oh!'' when Lisa scoots past.
        Homer yells, ``Waugh!'' when the car closes in on him.

Couch

        The couch deflates.

Quotes and scene summary

   

 Space: The Final Frontier.  These are the voyages of the Starship
 Enterprise.  Her mission:  Maintaining bladder control.
   
   Captain's Log, Stardate 6051: Had trouble sleeping last night; my
   hiatal hernia is acting up.  The ship is drafty and damp.  I complain,
   but nobody listens.
   -- ``Star Trek XII:  So Very Tired'', ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
   Sulu: Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow.
   Kirk: [covering his face in annoyance]  Again with the Klingons...
   -- ``Star Trek XII:  So Very Tired'', ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Kirk asks for full power, but Scotty has gotten so fat, he cannot
 reach the control panel.
   
   Movies!  What a rip-off!  I don't have to stand here and take this.
   I... [zzzzzzz]
   -- Grampa Simpson, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Marge and Homer head out.
   
   Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting.
          We'll bring back dinner.
   Lisa:  What are we gonna have?
   Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say.  If you've been
          good, pizza.  If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
   Lisa:  What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
   Bart:  Poison pizza.
   Homer: Oh, no!  I'm not making two stops!
   -- ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 In the car, Homer suggests he talk to Lisa's teacher while Marge
 talks to Bart's.  Marge complains, ``That's the way we do it <every>
 year!''
   
   Homer: I'm thinking of a number between one and fifty.
   Marge: Is it 37?
   Homer: D'oh! ... I mean.... No.
   -- A numbers racket, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Marge gives in, and Homer celebrates by honking the car horn,
 flashing the headlights, and chanting, ``U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!''

 Welcome to ``Parent-Teacher Night: Let's Share the Blame''.  Homer
 sucks in his gut to sit in Lisa's chair, and while Miss Hoover's
 back is turned, he makes armpit noises.  Meanwhile, Ms. Krabappel
 presents evidence to Marge, including a Krusty doll with a knife
 hidden beneath its head.
   
   Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities:
   Synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots.
   Replacing my birth-control pills with Tic-Tacs.
   -- Mrs. Krabappel reads the charges, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Miss Hoover commends Homer on how well he raised Lisa.  ``You
 must've read to her at a young age.''  Flash back to Homer reading
 the TV Guide to baby Lisa.
   
   Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's.
   Reading TV Guide, um...  Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.
   -- Homer Simpson's guide to raising children,
      ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Ms. Krabappel calls in a student and shows him a doll.  ``Now, where
 did Bart stick the firecracker.''  Marge gasps in horror at the
 response.

 Grampa is still asleep.  His dentures detach from his gums, and Bart
 removes them from his mouth, putting them into his own.  The result
 amuses Lisa and scares Maggie.

 Mrs. Hoover gives Homer a bumper sticker.
   
   ``My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary''.
   You know, I thought I'd never find a replacement for my `Where's the Beef?'
   bumper sticker.
   -- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Homer nearly walks away with the desk still wrapped around his gut.

 At home, Lisa puts Khatchaturian's Sabre Dance on the phonograph
 while Bart swings overhead, his teeth clamped to the ceiling fan.
 Bart's grip loosens, and he falls off.

 Marge writes...
   
   I will try to raise a better child.
   -- Marge's blackboard punishment, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Ms. Krabappel suggests disiplining Bart when he does something
 wrong.  Marge explains that Bart always tricks them into thinking
 they've punished him, when in fact they caved in completely.
   
   He's the boy you love to hate!
   -- Homer on Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
   Ms. Krabappel: I believe that with persistent discipline, even the
                  poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief
                  Justice of the Supreme Court.
   Homer:         Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.  What great men he
                  would join.  John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, 
                  Warren Burgher...  Mmmmmmm... Burgher...
   -- Don't forget Justice Frankfurter, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Without discipline, there's no telling how low Bart can sink.  Marge
 imagines Bart as an unshaven overweight male stripper failing to
 entertain his audience.

 Bart uses Grampa's dentures to take bites out of vinyl records.
 When he hears the car pull into the drive, Bart accidentally spits
 out Grampa's dentures, then hastily tapes them together, and stuffs
 them in Grampa's mouth just as Homer and Marge come in the front
 door.
   
   Boy, time really flies when you're reading... [sees what he's holding]
   The Bible!?  Ewww....
   -- Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Marge and Homer carry pizzas.  Grampa is incoherent since his teeth
 are all screwed up.
   
   Homer:  If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to
           put you in a home.
   Grampa: You already put me in a home.
   Homer:  Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on Sixty Minutes!
   Grampa: [meekly] I'll be good.
   -- ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Dinner-time.  Grampa complains that Bart mangled his teeth, but
 Homer doesn't believe him.  Marge points out that this is exactly
 what Ms. Krabappel was talking about, letting Bart get away
 unpunished.  Homer can't bring himself to punishing the poor boy,
 but he gives in.
   
   Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
   -- Homer's punishment for Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Grampa can't wait.  ``Oh, this is gonna be sweet!''  Marge sends
 Bart to bed without supper, but Bart knows they'll cave in
 eventually.

 Later that evening, Bart sits at a card table set up in his room,
 knife and fork in hand, begging for food.  Homer rushes up the
 stairs with the pizza.  ``I'm a-comin' boy!''  Marge calls Homer
 back downstairs.  Bart scavenges his room for any edibles and turns
 his attention to Santa's Little Helper...

 Lights out.  Bart sits on his bed.  ``Gee, maybe they mean it this
 time.  From now on, I guess I'd better straighten up and fly...''
 Homer comes in with the pizza box.  ``Don't tell your mother.  Just
 promise me you'll try to be good.''  Bart does so, but once Homer
 leaves, he chuckles, ``Sucker!''

 At Springfield Retirement Castle, Jasper catches Grampa trying to
 swipe his dentures.

 [End of Act One.  Time: 7:51]

 Lisa sees a television advert for the upcoming Itchy and Scratchy
 Movie, calling Bart in from the kitchen, where Bart had been melting
 a plastic James Bond doll in the microwave, while gently stroking
 Snowball II.  The advertisement for the Itchy and Scratchy Movie
 continues.  Homer asks Bart if he took out the garbage; Bart claims
 he did.  The goats in the kitchen prove otherwise.
   
   Homer: Boy, you're gonna have to be punished for this.
   Bart:  Dad, you <could> punish me, but that means you have to think
          of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it...
   Homer: [whining]  Aw...
   Bart:  Or... you could let me go play with Milhouse, while you 
          spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sit-coms.
          [turns on the TV.  Bumble-Bee Man is on]
   Homer: Hee hee hee.  Run along, you little scamp.
   -- The art of persuasion, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 A blood-spouting billboard spews (hopefully fake) cat blood into a
 newlywed couple's open convertible.  They take it in good humor.

 Homer finds Bart hammering mustard packets into the carpet.  Homer
 will not be fooled by Bart's trickery, but he is distracted by an
 approaching ice-cream truck.  By the time he purchases ice cream for
 himself and Bart, he doesn't remember what they were talking about.
   
   The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
   -- Homer's tips on getting out of jury duty, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Homer drinks a can of that wonderful Duff while Bart rips up the
 carpet.  Marge and Lisa return from the grocery.
   
   We got beets!
   -- Lisa, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 When Marge sees the destruction Bart is up to, she demands that
 Homer punish him.  Homer sends Bart to his room, but Bart just goes
 out the front door.
   
   Marge: Do you want your son to become become Chief Justice of the
          Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
   Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
   Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
   Homer: <Now> who's being na\"{\i}ve?
   -- ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Homer promises that next time, he'll follow through on the punishment.
   
   Kent: Tonight on ``Eye on Springfield'', we meet a man who's been hiccupping
         for 45 years!
   Man:  [hic!]  Kill me!  [hic] Kill me!
   -- ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 But first, a look at the making of the Itchy and Scratchy Movie,
 premi\`ering today.
   
   I'm here, live in Korea, to give you a first-hand look at how American
   cartoons are made!
   -- Kent Brockman, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 First is a history of Itchy
 and Scratchy.  The violence was inherent in the system.  Maggie
 wanders off while Lisa and Bart enjoy the cartoon.  The documentary
 continues.
   
   Homer: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?
   Bart:  Sounds like something you'd say...
   -- ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Bart discovers Maggie missing.  We see that Maggie is driving (yes,
 driving, for real) Homer's car down the street.  She, of course,
 fails to observe basic traffic rules.  Marge drives past in the
 opposite direction.  Maggie's car goes past the Springfield cops,
 who thinks it's cute.  When Maggie cuts off another driver, the
 driver makes an obscene gesture at Maggie, who returns the
 compliment.  The car finally slams into the Springfield Correctional
 Institute, the air bag breaking Maggie's fall, and providing a
 convenient pillow for her afternoon nap.  Inmates (including Snake)
 escape.

 Bart is called before Homer, while Marge and Lisa check on Maggie.
 Homer has decided on a punishment: Bart cannot watch the Itchy and
 Scratchy Movie.  <Ever>.  Snake runs past with a VCR under his arm.
   
   Oh no!  Beta!
   -- Snake inspects his haul, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 [End of Act Two.  Time: 14:51]

 Bart begs for a spanking rather than being deprived of his movie,
 going so far as dropping his pants, ready for action.  ``Don't point
 that thing at me!''  Lisa pleads for clemency in the face of ``the
 defining event of our generation.''  Lisa compares it to missing the
 moon landing.  Homer recalls the moment.  While Neil Armstrong
 stepped off the Eagle, Homer was listening to the stereo.  Homer
 stands his ground on the issue of punishment.

 The line for the Itchy and Scratchy Movie runs for miles, the tail
 of the queue ending in front of the Simpsons' house.  Bart watches
 forlornly.
   
   Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
   Bart:  Not bloody likely.
   -- ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
   Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt,
          but my dad wouldn't get it for me.  So I held my breath until
          I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table.
          [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
   Bart:  Dad, what's the point of this story?
   Homer: [cheerily] I like stories.
   -- ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Homer offers to let Bart watch anything he wants on TV.
   
   TV sucks.
   -- Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Bored with public television, Bart decides to use his imagination.
 He imagines Itchy and Scratchy.  Not doing anything.  Lisa returns
 from the movie, covered head-to-toe with paraphernalia, gleeful from
 having seen ``the greatest movie of my life!''
   
   You wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos!
   Dustin Hoffman, Michael Jackson.
   Of course, they didn't use their real names, but you
   could tell it was them.
   -- Lisa watches... ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Bart reads ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie: The Novel'' by Norman
 Mailer, but it isn't the same.  Milhouse and Nelson have seen the
 movie 30 times between them.

 Two months later,
 Homer's television watching is interrupted by Marge and Lisa.
   
   Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you.
   Homer: But then I won't be watching TV!
   -- ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 They plead for clemency.
   
   Lisa:  He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine!
   Homer: Don't you think I know that?
   -- Well, honestly... No, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 Homer refuses to give in.

 Bart sneaks to the theater and tries to buy a ticket, but there is a
 sign in the booth, ``Do not sell to this boy'', which thwarts him.

 Eight months later, Itchy and Scratchy Movie concludes its run.
 The blood-spurting Itchy and Scratchy billboard is now a billboard
 for Springfield Barber College.
 Bart and Homer sit on the couch.  Bart admits, ``I guess you won,''
 but Homer corrects him. ``We both won.''  Homer explains that he set
 Bart on the track to something very special...

 Forty years later, Chief Justice Bart Simpson and his father Homer
 walk down the street past the movie theater.  The theme is
 ``Classics of Animation'', featuring the Itchy and Scratchy Movie.
 (Second billing is Beauty and the Beast.)  Bart suggests seeing the
 movie, and Homer agrees.
   
   One senior citizen and one Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
   -- Justice Bart Simpson buys movie tickets, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 The tickets cost $650.  On the way in, Homer overhears a man
 ordering a Soylent Green, hold the butter.
   
   Mmm... Soylent Green.
   -- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy:  The Movie''
   
 The two Simpsons seat themselves in the theater.  Another
 fantastically absurd cartoon proceeds.  Homer asks, ``Which one's
 the mouse?''  Bart answers, ``Itchy.''  ``Itchy's a jerk.''
 ``Yeah.''

 [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:39]
   

Voice Credits

Starring

    Dan Castellaneta        (Homer, Groundskeeper Willy, falling man)
    Julie Kavner            (Marge)
    Nancy Cartwright        (Bart, Nelson)
    Yeardley Smith          (Lisa)
    Hank Azaria             (Sulu, Train conductor)
    \:    and
    Harry Shearer           (Kirk, Kent Brockman)

Special Guest Voice

    Marcia Wallace          (Ms. Krabappel)

Also Starring

    Pamela Hayden           (Milhouse)
    Maggie Roswell          (Miss Hoover)

[Uncredited]

    Neil Armstrong          (himself)

Didja notice...

    ... baby Lisa wore a necklace?
    ... the cover story of the TV Guide was Mr. T?
    ... Native American Ice Cream, formerly ``Big Chief Crazy Cone''?
    ... forty years in the future, the picture of Bart is <still>
        in the ticket booth?  @{mh}
        Not only that, but the <same guy> is selling tickets!
    ... that this capsule needs a lot of work?

Movie (and other) References

    + James Bond movies, evil villain Blofeld.
        - Bart strokes a cat while disposing of 007.
   ~~ Maximum Overdrive
        - Definitely not, but I've watched that movie once too many times,
          and I was expecting Yeardley to yell, ``Curtis!'' when the newlyweds
          were spurted with blood.
    + Steamboat Willie (Mickey Mouse's first cartoon)
        - Steamboat Itchy the cartoon.

Freeze Frame Fun

TV Guide

   - Cover story:  Mr. T
   - Back cover: Cigarette advertisement

Bart the Male Stripper's audience

   - Adult Sherri and Terri
   - Airline stewardess

Early Itchy and Scratchy cartoons

The copyright screen for ``That Happy Cat'' shows ``Copyright
MCMLXXVIII'' flanked by a film spool on one side and an ``MPSA'' logo
on the other.  Underneath reads ``Made in U.S.A.'' (obviously during
the pre-Korea years) and ``Passed by Nationwide Board of Review''.

For ``Steamboat Itchy'', the heads of Itchy and Scratchy (Scratchy's
tongue is sticking out) flank the words ``The End''.  The copyright
notice at the bottom is the same, except that the year is MCMLXXVIX.

The queue for the Itchy and Scratchy Movie

    - Milhouse (first in line)
    - Martin
    - Ned and Rod Flanders
      Ned is sitting in a folding chair, Rod on his lap, both reading
      a book.  (Probably the Bible.)
    - Otto in a sleeping bag, wearing his personal stereo.
      He holds a sport drink bottle in one hand, and rests his other
      arm on a cooler.
    - Abe and Jasper have set up a game of checkers.
    - Dave Shutton?
    - Lewis
    - a few thousand other people
    - Wendell

The queue goes past an ``Art Store'', ``Books Inc'', ``The Very ...
Han...'', a Krusty Burger, a smokestack, over a drawbridge (a falling
man yells, ``I regret nothing!'') and ending at the Simpsons' house.
One of the people standing in front of ``Books Inc'' is holding what
appears to be a picket sign.  If you're gonna be on strike, may as
well catch a movie.

Greg Hilton @{gh2} finds it odd that Ned is in line.  I figure that
Rod wants to see the movie, and Ned chose to let him see the movie, on
the condition that they see it together.

Miscellaneous

    - First Fifty Customers Get a Free Glexnor
    - Across the street:  ``Glexnor 4 Less''
    - The first item on the Snack Bar menu is ``Soylent Green''

Animation and continuity goofs

In Bart's daring celiing fan trick, the background does not show Lisa
by the phonograph nor Grampa on the couch.

Itchy and Scratchy

Television advertisement

Intro

Scratchy stands there with his tongue protruding slightly, as is its wont.
Itchy abuses the cat as follows:

    - Poking its eyes.
    - Shaving its scalp down the middle.
    - Scribbling across its face with a marker.
    - Firing a flame thrower through its ears.
    - Making bunny-ears behind its head.
    - Blowing off the top of its skull with a cannon.
    - Gleefully tearing its brains apart and tossing them every which way.

Suspense!

In a sawmill, Itchy has tied Scratchy to a log on a conveyer belt
which slowly sends him head-first into a spinning circular saw.
Standard silent movie tactics.  Itchy waits impatiently, then, fed up
with the delay, grabs an axe and chops the cat into pieces.

Romance!

Itchy introduces Scratchy to a female cat, obviously constructed from
dynamite and a bowling ball.  Scratchy goes gaga, sidles up, and
plants a kiss on the ersatz-feline.  The cat detonates.  Among the
body parts that remain are Itchy's eyes (still blinking) and a romance
heart slowly wafting down.

Billboard

Itchy slams a film camera into the back of Scratchy's neck.
Scratchy's head falls off and blood spurts out.

That Happy Cat (black-and-white)

Proto-Scratchy walks down the street, happily whistling a tune.
Scratchy is wearing a hat, has gloves on his paws, and generally looks
absolutely nothing like the modern Scratchy.

Steamboat Itchy (black-and-white)

Itchy (visually indistinguishable from the early Mickey Mouse)
cheerfully pilots a steamboat down the river.  Scratchy joins him, and
all is blissful.  Itchy suddenly reaches down, pulls out a machine
gun, and shoots off Scratchy's kneecaps.  Scratchy falls to his knees
and crawls around in pain with his eyes closed.  Itchy politely opens
the furnace grate, as Scratchy (trailing blood) crawls into it.  Itchy
kicks Scratchy in the butt and slams the grate shut to secure the
cat's fate.  Itchy laughs as the cat's body writhes in agony.  After a
suitable amount of time, Itchy opens the grate and pulls out
Scratchy's head, which has burnt to a crisp.  Itchy says, ``Oh me, oh my!''

World War II era cartoon

Itchy and Scratchy have the Tom and Jerry look and feel.  Adolf Hitler
gives his salute, and the cat and mouse proceed to pummel him,
Scratchy with a mallet, Itchy with a log, Scratchy with a giant
wrench, and Itchy gives the final blow, decapitating the F\"uhrer with
an axe.  Sousa's ``Stars and Stripes Forever'' continues to play as
the cat and mouse shake hands, then Itchy chops off Scratchy's head.
The classic tongue comes out.  A cartoon Roosevelt dances on-screen
(the music changes to ``Happy Days Are Here Again'') and kicks what's
left of Hitler and Scratchy in the rear end.  Itchy holds a sign,
``Save Scrap Iron''.

The Itchy and Scratchy Movie

The standard intro sequence, except ``The Itchy and Scratchy Show''
changes to ``The Itchy and Scratchy Movie''.  Itchy ties Scratchy to
the railroad tracks and runs for a waiting train.  But the train
engineer won't let Itchy into the engine car.  So Itchy enrols in
Engineer School.  ``The Big Book of Trains'' and ``The Civil
Engineer'' are the texts.  (Does ``The Civil Engineer'' explain how to
stick out your pinky while drawing diagrams?)  Itchy receives his
diploma, tosses his cap into the air, hangs his diploma on the wall
(between pictures of his parents), admires it briefly, then rushes to
a Union Pacific office, fills the ``Engineer Wanted'' position, and
hops into the engine of the train.  By this time, Scratchy has nearly
extricated himself, but alas not quite in time.  After the train runs
him over, all that's left of the cat are his arms and the leg still
tied to the tracks.

Didja notice...  the mouse hole in Itchy's wainscotting!

Comments and other observations

References

Previous episodes

    [Nazis on Tap]  I dare you to make Hitler funny.

Soylent Green

Soylent Green is the title of a movie set in an overpopulated 21st
century.  To feed the masses, the government provides a foodstuff
called ``soylent green''.  At the end of the movie, Charlton Heston
discovers that soylent green is made of people.

Ethan Miller @{elm} points out that in the original book, ``Make Room,
Make Room'' by Harry Harrison, soylent green was made of <soy>beans
and <lent>ils.  Only in the movie version were the ingredients sinister.

Distribution notice and Acknowledgments

Blah blah.