Bart Gets Hit by a Car

Bart Gets Hit by a Car
                                                   Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                      Directed by Mark Kirkland

Title Sequence

Blackboard

    {I will not sell school/property.}
    {I will not sell schoo} at cutoff.

Driveway

    Homer says nothing when Lisa scoots past.
    Homer yells ``Auuuugh!'' when the car closes in on him.

Couch

    Homer bumps everybody off the couch.

Quotes and scene summary

   

 While skateboarding recklessly, Bart gets hit by Mr. Burns' car.
   
   Smithers:  I think the boy is hurt.
   Burns:     Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going.
   -- after... ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Bart's spirit rises from his body...
   
   Hey, cool, I'm dead.
   -- Bart realizes he's dead, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 and he takes an escalator to the pearly gates, seeing Great Grampa Simpson
 and a tire-track-marked Snowball on the way.  A voice instructs...
   
   Please hold onto the handrail.  Do not spit over the side.
   [and repeated in Spanish]
   -- Heavenly voice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Bart spits over the side, and Bart falls down, down, down... as the voice
 chides, `We told you to hold onto the handrail.  We asked you not to spit
 over the side'.  Bart finds himself in the Underworld.
   
   I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
   -- Bart introduces himself to Satan, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 But there seems to have been a mistake...
   
   According to this, you're not due to arrive until the Yankees
   wins the pennant.  That's nearly a century from now.
   -- The Devil, on Bart's premature visit to Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Boy is my face red.
   -- Satan after realizing Bart isn't due to arrive yet,
      ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Bart:  Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
   Satan: Oh, sure, yeah.  But, eh, you wouldn't like it.
   Bart:  Oh, okay!  See you later, then.
   -- Bart leaves Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Satan:  Remember:  Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music!
   Bart:   Yes, sir!
   -- Some parting advice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Bart ascends to the world of the living and wakes up in a hospital room.
 The family is joined by ...
   
   Hutz:  Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson.  Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.
          Here's my card.  It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
   Homer: Ooh, classy.
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Homer: The doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe,
          nothing serious.
   Hutz:  Pfft.  Doctors.  Doctors are idiots!
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz.  Are you a shyster?
   Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?
   -- Lisa suspects Lionel Hutz isn't on the level, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Marge asks Hutz to leave, and he does...
   
   Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law.  What's that, a broken neck?  Great!
   -- Chasing a gurney down the corridor, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Dr. Hibert comes in...
   
   Marge:  Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?
   Hibert: Mm, better let him rest up a while first.
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Homer talks to his coworkers about what happened...
   
   Homer:    If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office
             right now and...
   Smithers: Simpson!
   Homer:    Aah!
   Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Ah, Simpson.  At last we meet.
   -- Mr. Burns, calling Homer in regarding Bart's accident,
      ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 when Burns offers him only $100, Homer notes that this hardly even covers
 the medical bills.  Burns accuses Homer of extortion and tosses him out.
   
   Burns: Throw him out, Smithers!
   Homer: You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns.  I can throw <myself> out.
   -- Burns tells Homer he isn't going to get a cent,
      ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Homer wipes his brow with the Hutz sponge and decides to pay him a visit.
   
   The Supreme Court called again.  They need your help on some freedom thing.
   -- Della, Lionel Hutz' secretary, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Yes, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, the Louvre [pron. Loove-rah].
   -- Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, listing his degrees,
      ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement.
   But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.
   -- Lionel Hutz, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson.
   You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace,
   a $99 value, as our gift to you.
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 When Hutz says he's looking at $1 million, Homer is pleased.  They go
 to see Nick Riviera, so-called doctor.
   
   Just look at the X-rays!  You see that dark spot there?  Whiplash.
   And this smudge here, that looks like my fingerprint?  No, that's trauma!
   -- `Doctor' Nick Riviera, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Marge raises her objections...
   
   With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor, the boy's
   not a doctor, the only person who even comes CLOSE is this man [Nick Riviera].
   -- Lionel Hutz responding to Marge's skepticism, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Hutz:    Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma
            in the facial area?
   Riviera: Oh yeah, tons of it! [wrapping Bart's head]  Just say when!
   -- Bart is in the care of trained professionals, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Burns wants to fire Homer, but Smithers fears the headlines...  Burns
 dreams of headlines like ``Burns fires ungrateful employee'', ``Another
 smart move by Burns'', and ``Hooray for Burns!''  Burns agrees to sit
 and wait until the media have forgotten about the incident.  Meanwhile,
 Hutz rehearses Bart's testimony, as Marge's and Lisa's objections are
 ignored.  In court...
   
   I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
   -- In court, Mr. Burns justifies his actions, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court
          in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
   Burns: You wouldn't dare!
   Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn't.
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Bart is wheeled to the witness stand.
   
   Judge: Hello, Bart.  Now, you do understand the difference between
          telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you son?
   Bart:  Maybe.
   Judge: Uh huh.  Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?
   Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering]  No!  No!
   Bart:  No.
   -- Bart takes the witness stand, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Bart tells what happened.  He was playing in his innocent childlike way,
 when...
   
   Defenseless child at three o'clock.
   -- Smithers spying a helpless Bart in the street, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 ``Luckily, I was not killed that day.  Though sometimes [sob] I wish I
 had been. [sniff]''
   
   Marge and Lisa:  Mmm...
   -- Reactings to Bart's ``Believable testimony'', ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Then Burns takes the stand.
   
   Oh, it was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining.
   I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys...
   -- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 But Bart evilly skateboards into his VW bug...
   
   NOOOOOOOO!!  TAKE ME!!  I'M OLD!!
   -- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 The jury are not convinced.  During the recess...
   
   Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, underbrained glorified notary
   publics!  Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off
   with a banana or two!
   -- Mr. Burns bawling out his attorneys, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 David Tamkin notes: He must truly have been agitated.  Normally he would
 know that the plural of attorney is "overpriced, underbrained glorified
 notaries public."

 Marge and Homer are invited to the Burns mansion...
   
   Burns: And that ugly customer was the last Indonesian rhino on earth.
   Marge: Hm, I didn't know you liked animals.
   Burns: Oh, I don't like everything about them.  Just their heads.
   -- Invited to the Burns mansion, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Homer:  Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
   Burns:  Yes.
   -- A brief moment of honesty from Monty Burns, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Burns offers a $500,000 settlement and leaves Homer and Marge alone
 to talk it over.  Burns and Smithers spy on them as Homer wants to
 hold out for the $1 million, but Marge fears what Homer has turned into,
 what with shifty lawyers and phony doctors...  Burns returns.
   
   Sorry, offer's expired, I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide,
   twelve good men and true, Smithers release the hounds.
   -- Mr. Burns realizes that Bart made up his story, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Homer and Marge run across the lawn, chased by dogs.  In court, Marge
 is called to the stand by Burns' lawyer.
   
   Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing
            but the truth, so help you God?
   Marge:   Mmm... Yes, I do.
   Hutz:    She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Marge's honest testimony destroys Hutz's case.
   
   Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper.  It's not quite
          as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.
          [draws a giant zero]
   Hutz:  I think we should take it.
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 At the Simpson dinner table...
   
   Homer: [thinks]  A million dollars.  My wife cost me a million dollars.
   Marge: Homer?  Would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
   Homer: [thinks]  Yeah, a million dollars' worth, you treacherous
          snake-woman! [out loud] No, thank you.
   Marge: Some string beans?
   Homer: [thinks] No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing
          back-stabbing... Uh oh, better answer. [out loud] No, thank you.
   Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
   Homer: [thinks] Just mouth polite nothings. [out loud] No, thank you.
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Bart talks about what they could've gotten with the $1 million, and Homer
 excuses himself to go over to Moe's.  Marge's women's intuition tells her
 something.  At Moe's...
   
   Moe:   Oh, you're better off.  Rich people aren't happy.  From the day they're
          born to the day they die, they <think> they're happy, but trust me.
          They ain't.
   Homer: [thinks]  Moe.  Wish he'd shut up.
   -- Homer drowns his sorrows in beer after losing a $1 million court case,
      ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Marge arrives...
   
   Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.
   -- Marge, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Homer: [thinks to himself]  She's been your wife for ten years, you've had
          three children together, it's time to be honest with her.
          [out loud]  I'm not sure I love you any more.
   Marge: Gasp!
   Homer: But, don't worry.  Uh, I'll never let on.  I'll still do all the
          bed stuff.  Maybe it won't be so bad.
   -- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Marge asks Homer to look her in the eyes and decide whether
 or not he loves her.  Homer starts with the feet...
   
   All right, all right.  Look at her if it'll shut her up.
   Start with the feet.  Still angry.  Good!  Good, Homer, good!
   -- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
   Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer.  My love for <you> will never die.
   -- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   
 Homer looks her in the eye and says, ``Oh, who am I kidding?  I love you
 more than ever!''  The bar gang cheer...
   
   Okay everybody, for the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher.
   One per customer, domestic beer only.  Hey, no sharing.
   -- Moe, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
   

Voice credits

Starring

    Dan Castellaneta    (Homer, Attorney)
    Julie Kavner        (Marge)
    Nancy Cartwright    (Bart)
    Yeardley Smith      (Lisa)
    \:    and
    Harry Shearer       (Burns, Smithers, Satan, Judge, Dr. Hibbert)

Also Starring

    Hank Azaria         (Moe, Dr. Nick Riviera)
    Doris Grau		(Della)

Special Guest Voice

    Phil Hartman	(Voice of Heaven, Lionel Hutz)

Didja notice...

    ... nary two seconds after we see `Bart Gets Hit by a Car',
        Bart gets hit by a car?
    ... the Devil is using a windowing interface to his computer?
    ... when Homer is called into Mr. Burns' office (the first time),
        there is a line of attorneys standing next to Burns' desk,
        and at the end of the line is a stuffed mounted polar bear?
    ... Della is reading `Popular Secretary'?
    ... when Burns and Smithers spy on Marge and Homer through the painting,
        Burns looks through the eyes of a portrait of Mr. Burns, and
        Smithers bends over to look through the eyes of Burns' dog?
        [I'll leave the `bends over' part to the people who like to
        argue about whether Mr. Burns is a Homer-sexual.]
    ... Doctor Julius Hibert went to Johns Hopkins?
    ... when Hutz buries his head in his hands after Marge ruins his case,
        there are crumpled up pieces of paper and a broken pencil on the
        table in front of him?

[John Kupec]
    ... one of the stores in opening scene is named `Cloth Store'?
    ... Burn's limo has an atom hood ornament?
    ... green goo dripping all over the nuclear power plant?
    ... Hutz's secretary's name is Della as in Perry Mason?

[Thomas Skrobala]
    ... that Judge Moulton looked a lot like non-Supreme-Court-justice
        Robert Bork?

Also, when Burns' attorney asked Marge for her opinion of Dr. Riviera,
notice that Lionel Hutz didn't raise any objection?  It seems he
didn't learn much about law at the Louvre Law School...

Some people note that Homer indignantly turns down Burns's offer of $500,000
even though that's what he would've gotten if he had won the lawsuit once he
paid Hutz's 50% fee.  But Hutz probably would have claimed 50% of the $500,000
settlement, leaving Homer with $250,000.

Movie References

  ~ A Tale of Two Cities
        - After hitting Bart, Burns says, ``Just give him a nickel
          and let's get going.''  In the book, the Marquis St. Evremonde
          runs over a boy in the street and just tosses the father a coin.
          Gaspard (the father) refused the coin and instead murdered the
          Marquis.  Wonder if Burns knew... {jdlb}
  + Hieronymus Bosch (1450-1516), `Garden of Earthly Delights'
        - the rendition of Hell
  + Rolling Stones, `Sympathy for the Devil'
        - Satan says, `Please allow me to introduce myself.'
  + Wizard of Oz
        - Bart waking up from his `dream' saying `And you were there,
          and you and you...'
  + Miracle on 34th Street
        - Judge asking Bart if he knows the difference between telling
          the truth and telling a lie.
    ? Some as-yet unidentified movie ?
        - Burns cradling Bart's head in his lap (in the Burns version)
          and the camera pulling upward with a crowd of people surrounding
          him.
          Guesses include
            - The Last Picture Show, when the poolroom owner's adopted son
              gets tagged by a semi while sweeping the street. {rc}
            - The Pulitzer-Prize-winning photo of the Kent State Massacre
              of May 1970.
            - Colors, when Robert Duvall is shot. {sy}
            - The Human Comedy, ``check it out if you don't believe me'' {sf}
            - Potemkin, when the mother holds her dead child {jev}
            - Rebel Without a Cause, ``I'm pretty sure'' {ja}
            - Romeo and Juliet, the final scene {din}
            - West Side Story, the final scene {din}
            - Superman, when Superman finds Lois Lane dead {sp}
            - Twilight Zone, `In Praise of Pip', when Jack Klugman
              prays for his son, he says something like ``Take me,
              I'm old.'' {wb}
          and probably the best guess
            - Darby O'Gill and the Little People (Sean Connery)
              Towards the end of the movie, old man Darby's daughter disobeys
              her father's commands and goes up a mountain after a horse (storm
              coming).  She trips over a ledge and is knocked unconsious.
              Fearing the Banshee curse placed on Darby will claim another
              victim, he races after her and finds her lying on the ground.
              Cradling her head in his lap, and with the camera pulling back,
              yells out at the approching banshee ``Go away!  Take me I'm
              old!''  Darby throws a lantern at the hag, who disappears, then
              he and her boyfriend (Connery) carry her back home.
              {cjb's brother}

Bart's visit to Hell

Several people have pointed out that the rendition of Hell is taken
Bosch's ``Garden of Earthly Delights''

As to what computer system the devil was using, my careful scrutiny
reveals it to be a Macintosh flavor.  Note the menu bar across the
top of the screen instead of at the top of each window.

Note also the devil was right-handed.  So much for `sinister'
intentions...

Bart's return to the world of the living

+ Bart passes through earth with dinosaur fossils embedded in it.

+ The Flanderses were getting booster shots on the ground floor of the
  hospital; how typically responsible of them. [David Tamkin]

+ the sign on the door reads `State Booster Program'. [Joe Kincaid]

+ The syringe you see is not a real syringe, but rather is part of the
  inoculation poster. [Thomas C. Allard]

+ The sign on the door reads `Authorized Personnel Only'. [Jeffrey R Carden]

+ Jacques is seeing his proctologist, probably more out of need than
  Flanders-like prevention. [David Tamkin]

+ Bart passes by a room where a body with a toe tag lies in bed.

Lionel Hutz, the Lawyer

[David Tamkin]

Hutz's sponge card (a degree from the Louvre?) tells us to dial KL 5-LAWW;
he's been clogging our courts since 1974.  [1976, actually. --rjc]

`Doctor' Riviera

[David Tamkin]

The block from Hutz's office to Riviera's had ``(Something) Nook'' on the
corner, then ``[Your?] Law Offices of Lionel Hutz,'' then ``Gum for Less,''
[which Joe Kincaid points out is a new low in niche marketing] and
finally ``Dr. Nick Riviera, general specialist credit doctor.''  Signs in
Riviera's office windows read ``Yes, we're open'' and ``Yes, we use
anesthetic.''  How reassuring.

Riviera's degrees read ``Mayo Clinic Correspondence School,'' ``Club Med
School,'' ``Female Body Inspector,'' (how about ``Female Body Impersonator''?),
and ``I went to medical school for four years and all I got was this lousy
diploma.''  But as Hutz said, Riviera was the only person in the room who
even came close to being a doctor.

Burns' story

From: jasmerb@prism.cs.orst.edu (Bryce Jasmer)

Burns driving in that pink VW Bug with purple flowers. I think it was the
music that really made it great.

[dattier@ddsw1.MCS.COM (David W. Tamkin) and jwk@Scripps.EDU (John Kupec)
confirm that the music was "Tijuana Taxi" by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass.]

Lisa's role

Lisa has but five lines in the entire episode (sigh):

1) Excuse me, Mr. Hutz.  Are you a shyster?
2) Hello, Dr. Hibbert.
3) Dad, may I please make an observation?
4) I think this is all a charade to make Bart look
   more injured than he really is.
5) Mmm.

Boring distribution restrictions

Episode summaries Copyright 1991-1993 by Raymond Chen.  Not to be redistributed
in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes themselves, of course,
remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain
the property of the original authors.  I'm just taking credit for the
compilation.)