Bart, the Mother Written by David S. Cohen Directed by Stephen Dean Moore ============================================================================== Production code: 5F22 Original Airdate on FOX: 27-Sep-1998 Capsule revision B (26-Feb-2000) ============================================================================== > "TV Guide" Synopsis ============================================================================== (Canadian) Bart becomes a nursemaid to a dangerous species after it is injured in an accident. ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== Blackboard: None due to shortened intro. Couch: Two firemen hold the family's couch like a rescue net. Marge falls from the top of the screen, and the firemen catch her on the couch. Bart falls, and lands to Marge's left. Lisa plops down on her right. Maggie falls safely into Marge's arms. Homer isn't as fortunate -- he misses the couch and crashes through the floor. ============================================================================== > Did You Notice... ============================================================================== Brad Bizzolt: ... once again, a character points out something that would've shown up in the "Goofs" section otherwise (the number of baseballs one gets for a quarter)? ... the "I Love Guns" sticker on a barrel outside Nelson's window? ... Bart writes "Billy" with a backward Y? ... the family seems to think the lizards are cute until they start hissing at them? Weren't they expecting ... I don't know ... birds? [Hey, they were from a birds' nest, therefore they're birds. Ikso fatso -- Ed.] ... Bolivian doughnuts are shipped with Styrofoam peanuts? Anthony Dean: ... Maggie's finger-pointing motion after helping Lisa to cheat at skee- ball? Don Del Grande: ... at the batting cage, the pointy part of home plate is facing the wrong way? ... according to Nelson's carved message, now it's Nelson's dad who is having problems with the law (meanwhile, his mother is out)? ... Homer tells Lisa to buy him a beer? (I assume Apu knows Lisa well enough to know she won't drink it?) ... Lisa, a vegetarian on moral (rather than medical) grounds, doesn't seem to care at all about protecting the lizards? ... Skinner has some definition as to how long a "moment" is? ... the two lizards were, apparently, one of each sex? (Perhaps more than two were in the box?) Yuri Dieujuste: ... for someone who played baseball, Homer lost his skills really quickly? [{pt} replies, "He played softball. The ball is bigger and harder to miss."] Jordan Eisenberg: ... in the very beginning, there is a small colorful chair in the corner of the room, most likely Maggie's? ... Milhouse catches fire when Nelson bashes him? ... Homer keeps his money rolled up rather than in a wallet? ... Nelson's phone has no cord attached to it? ... someone in OFF wears colored socks? (I've never seen them in anything but white!) ... the birds in Bart's fantasy had teeth? (not quite a goof, since it was a fantasy) ... Bart writes down all his notes *after* the documentary ends? (unless he had pages before that that we didn't see) ... this is the first time we've seen Bart's treehouse in a while? ... Bart houses his eggs in a Duff Beer Family Pack box? ... Snowball II is blue? ... as easy as it could have been, the staff didn't use recycled footage when Homer fell down the stairs the second and third time? ... Apu actually sold those donuts after discovering there were two lizards in the box? ... Bart retains the names "Chirpie Boy" and "Bart Jr." even after he learns they're lizards? Andrew Gill: ... there was a lot of FFF in this episode? ... the relatively large role of Snowball II? ... Homer was carrying bowling balls down into the cellar at one point (Maybe Moe was returning them)? Darrel Jones: ... Maggie trips for the first time in a while? ["Once during Homer's mail call, and once when Homer asks about getting Marge's reward," {ad} points out] and once when Homer asks about getting Marge's reward) ... Nelson uncharacteristically calls Marge "Ma'am"? ... one prize in the arcade is a Def Leppard album? ... all the bird judges in Bart's fantasy wear scarves like Nelson's? ... all the cats gathering behind Bart are different colors? ... the I (heart) GUNS sticker on Nelson's trash can? ... Lisa doesn't correct Bart's use of "ipso fatso"? ... Homer knows a loganberry is a half-blackberry, half-raspberry fruit? ... the "tribute to Phil Hartman" was just like the one on the May airing of [5F08]? Joe Klemm: ... Milhouse is the only one wearing a helmet at the go-karts? ... Nelson uses a "Milhouse is gay" joke to taunt Bart? ... Milhouse lives yelling distance from the Simpsons? Haynes Lee: ... Maggie looks very pissed off at Homer over mail call? Brian Rawson-Ketchum: ... Homer acts as if he's about to charge the pitching machine? ... Lisa likes the idea of using Maggie to cheat at Skee-ball? ... how obviously animatronic the animals were in Troy's final ... appearance? Benjamin Robinson: ... Bart winks at Lisa when he's trying to butter up Marge? ... while waiting for the eggs to hatch, Bart reads, "Working Mother"? Samuel Sklaroff: ... Homer says "ball one" and "ball two" even though he swung? ... the "Kroon Along with Krusty" album in the ticket office? ... the washer-dryers next to Nelson's house? ... Nelson hums the Simpsons theme song? ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Quimby) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Pimple-faced Teen, Moe, Apu) - Harry Shearer (Eagle, Vulture, Toucan, Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Jasper, Burns, Smithers, Kent Brockman) - Special Guest Voice - Phil Hartman (Troy McClure) - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse) - Tress MacNeille (Librarian) - Russi Taylor (Billy) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + "The Andy Griffith Show" (TV series) - classic episode where Opie adopts some bird eggs after he accidentally shoots their mother with a slingshot - the episode was called, "Opie the Mother" {brk} - "Mother Was A Rooster" (cartoon) {ol} {hl} - Foghorn Leghorn duped into mothering egg from another species. [See "Comments" section for more] ~ The Mothers/Mother Earth (band) {hl} - the title references Frank Zappa's band "Mother Earth" which had to change its name from "The Mothers" because it is such a strong euphemism - [Note that Matt Groening is a big Zappa fan, and that Zappa once performed at Groening's birthday party -- Ed.] + Fox "reality" specials - "When Disaster Strikes 4" on the amusement park sign - "When Disaster Strikes" is also the specific name of one "series" of Fox specials {pt} + "Happy Gilmore" (movie) - Homer is about to charge the pitching machine {ak} - Homer being hit repeatedly by the baseballs in the batting cage parodies an early scene in this movie, where Happy tries to toughen up by standing in a batting cage and letting the balls hit him {pe} + "Octopussy" (movie) {ss} - Nelson calls Bart an "octowussy" - (Alex Foley notes that, as this episode was debuted in the United States, NBC was showing "Goldeneye," another Bond flick.) + "Deep Deep Trouble" (music video) {bb} - Marge says "Bart is in deep, deep trouble" - "legal eagles" (phrase) {hl} - lawyers and sometimes judges have often been referred to as "legal eagles" since the 1940s although the bird analogies are as old as the profession itself - (Also, vultures have been used in the derogatory sense) ~ "Froot Loops" (breakfast cereal) {hl} - toucan in this episode is probably a reference to this cereal - "The Birds" (movie) {tr} - the attack by the bird tribunal on Bart similar to scenes from the Hitchcock film + National Geographic (magazine) {jk} - "Regional Geographic" may be this organization's junior cousin - the collision of Comet Shoemaker-Levy with Jupiter {tr} - Homer is may have some confused memories of this destructive astronomical event when he mentions remembering Halley's Comet colliding with the Moon. - "Dexter's Laboratory" (TV series) {dga} - one episode of this show (entitled "Techno Turtle,") Dexter has a difficult time explaining to his sister that the "bird" she found is actually a turtle - "All in the Family" (TV series) {ljg} - Archie Bunker messes up "ipso facto," as Bart does + "The Flintstones" (TV series) {bb} - the sound effect when the lizard bites Homer's finger sounds like all the times Fred got bit on the finger by Dino, little kids, etc. - "Sesame Street" (TV series) {bb} - the skit where the guy falls down the stairs with various pastries in hand (I know, it's a stretch) + the term "pecking order" {ddg} - The sign "Pecking Order Strictly Enforced" has a double meaning: besides the obvious link between "pecking" and birds, "pecking order" refers to the "unwritten" seniority in any group. + cuckoo (species of bird) {hl} - this bird sneaks its eggs into the nests of other species, like the Bolivian tree lizard does in this show + Colombian Coffee {jk} - Apu's Bolivian doughnuts + "Arachnophobia" (movie) {dj} - introduction of a rare South American species into the US via a crate - "Seinfeld" (TV series) {ck} - Bart's annoyance at lizards using his own patented "sad eyes routine" on him is similar to George Costanza's "It's not you it's me? I invented 'it's not you it's me!'" conversation while breaking up with a girlfriend ============================================================================== > Previous episode references ============================================================================== - Godzilla References {hl} - [9F05] Bart imagines the Godzilla-sized Curries terrorizing downtown Tokyo - [9F12] Kent Brockman gives preliminary report of a fist fight involving a giant lizard - [3F04] Lard Lad's roar similar to Godzilla's - [4F11] Godzilla doll in Cockamamie store - Bird Attacks {hl} - [7G09] Buzzards circling Simpsons {hl} - [9F05] Condor crushes Krusty's skull with its claws {hl} - [1F04] Grampa attacked by buzzards {hl} - [1F07] SNPP employee attacked by Stuart the duck {hl} - [2F01] Hans Moleman in phone booth attacked by flock of birds {hl} - [3F02] Milhouse worried about bird pecking his eyes out {hl} - [3F18] Bumble-bee man disguised as tree, attacked by woodpecker {hl} - [3F22] Seagull swoops at Lisa, flock attacks Homer's car {hl} - [3F23] Owl attacks Lisa's chipmunk {hl} - [4F19] Raven tries to carry away Grimes diploma {hl} - [5F12] Seagulls attack cop {hl} - [7F06] Car severely damaged {bjr} - [7F19], [2F03] Marge folds laundry {dj} - [7F23] Touch of Death arcade machine {je} - [7F76] Bart is in deep, deep Trouble {brk} - [8F11] Nelson cheats at skee-ball {bjr} - [8F13] Homer bats {dj} - [9F06] "Larry the Looter" game played {bjr} - [9F11] Bumper cars misused by bullies {ad} - [9F20] Nelson's mom the jailbird {dj} - [9F20] Osaka flu invades Springfield {hl} - [1F07] Bart wears "nerd glasses" {dj} - [1F11] Someone on the show hums (or whistles) the Simpsons theme {je} - [1F20] Moe calls Marge "Midge" {dj} - [2F05], [4F12] Moe calls Marge "Midge" {brk} - [2F05] the kids argue over the front seat {je} - [2F06] Titmouse mentioned {hl} - [2F12], [4F22] A car is brutally mistreated {je} - [2F13] Bullfrogs overrun Australia, like lizards overrun Springfield {hl} - [2F18] OFF gathers around for the birth of a pet {je} - [2F21] the trapdoor in Bart's treehouse {je} - [2F21] Pigeons are "swimming in disease" {brk} - [2F22] Bart implores, "No! Not the face!" {bjr} - [3F01] Monkey comes over on banana shipment {hl} - [3F07] Marge gives up on punishing Bart {je} - [3F10] Drill used in offensive manner {hl} - [3F14] mention of the Dodo's extinction {je} - [3F17] we see Nelson's house {je} - [4F01] Nelson addresses an insult with a courteous title at the end. {brk} - [4F01] Last appearance of Nelson's house {dj} - [4F02] Pigeon crossed with a rat {hl} - [4F02] Paper slicer used in offensive manner {hl} - [4F11] Bart doesn't want to shoot reindeer {ad} - [4F24] Troy McClure in a lab coat with Billy {dj} - [5F08] Def Leppard mirror given away as a prize {bjr} - [5F08] the Phil Hartman dedication (I know it's a stretch.) {je} ============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun ============================================================================== - Amusement center sign {bjr} FAMILY FUN CENTER AS SEEN ON "WHEN DISASTER STRIKES 4" - Videogames at the archive {bjr} - Larry the Looter - Pack Rat Returns - Shark Bait - Satan's Funhouse - Time Waster {je} - Touch of Death {je} - Skee-Ball prizes {bjr} - radio - banjo - model X-wing fighter - Def Leppard mirror - Happy Little Elves dolls - Football - Camera - Blue stuffed monkey - Easy-Bake oven - ... and, of course, a BB gun - Bart's bird notes {bjr} 75 Watt Bulb Regurgitate Food Billy [with a backward "y"!] - Bird-watchers' door {bjr} SPRINGFIELD BIRDWATCHING SOCIETY ------------ PECKING ORDER STRICTLY ENFORCED - Members of the Springfield Bird Watchers {dj} - Skinner, Jasper, Apu, Hibbert, Moe, Burns, Smithers, Krabappel - Bolivian tree lizard booklet, page 1 {bjr} U.S. Wildlife Dept. ALERT! [lizard picture] Bolivian Tree Lizard - Bolivian tree lizard booklet, page 2 {ck} A vicious ovoraptor, the Bolivian Tree Lizard feasts on bird eggs. [lizard eats eggs] - Extinct species {bjr} Dodo (Raphus cucullatus) Cuckoo (Coccyzus erythropthalmus) Ne-ne (Branta sandvicensis) - Bolivian donuts {bjr} OVEN-FRESH DONUTS [chef presenting donuts to llama] PRODUCTO DE BOLIVIA - Lizard-spotting {je} 2 The two that Bart cares for 1 crawls over the Mayor of Springfield seal 3 appear on the steps and columns of the Town Hall 1 crawls on Lisa's shoulder 5 scurry past OFF as they walk to their car 2 attacking a pigeon in midair 19 help in killing that poor pigeon ============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== = The go-kart track loses all of its curves in the close-up shots. {ddg} = There's a lot of "looping" in the go-kart scenes. (In the past, the show used to pay attention to details like that.) [Strictly speaking, that's not a goof since the looping was intentional, but it is out of character for the show -- Ed.] + Nelson's house doesn't look much like it did in 4F01. {ss} + Marge's position on troubled boys has changed dramatically since 7G05. In this episode, Marge says that boys like Nelson deserve to be isolated from the rest of society, yet in 7G05, she tried (unsuccessfully) to convince Bart to talk with him. {bd} + Didn't Marge approve of Lisa dating Nelson in 4F01? {brk} + Certainly Homer knows who Nelson is. He carpooled with Homer in 3F21. [{pt} replies, "Actually, this is consistent with Homer forgetting about people. He forgot Lenny in Simpsoncalifragil..., almost sat on Maggie in And Maggie Makes Three, etc. I find it ironic that he hates Burns so much for also being forgetful."] {brk} + Nelson's mom and dad still live together, although his dad is in jail in this episode. In 4F04, Nelson said his dad left his mom after she got hooked on cough drops. {bd} + Bart's had a BB gun before (though Marge probably made him get rid of it per her attitude towards guns in [2F16] and [5F01]). = The "shooting car's" taillights change from four round lights in the establishing shot of the yard, to two rectangular ones as Marge leaves. (Incidentally, the round lights are correct for that type of car.) {bjr} + Haven't there been scenes where Reverend Lovejoy had a Bible on a weekday? {ddg} * ... And what does he do with the collection plate money that he can't spare any to buy a bible? {ddg} + The basement is where the closet should be. {ss} + The treehouse was never in front of the kitchen window before. {ss} + Bart's birth did not take anywhere near 53 hours in [8F10]. {dj} = When the eggs begin to hatch, Homer leaves the refrigerator door open, but it's closed in the next shot {je} * Despite what Skinner says, the Dodo's extinction is blamed man's introduction of non-indigenous animals such as dogs, pigs and rats which preyed on the dodo bird and its eggs. The dodo was flightless which made it very vulnerable.. {hl} * Relatives of Bart's lizards couldn't cause the extinction of the dodo because the lizard lived in S. America while the dodo lived in Mauritius. [W. Kuchent says that's an island in the Indian Ocean] {jk} * The cuckoo is very well still alive. {jk} * The ne-ne isn't extinct, either. {ss} + Skinner mentioned nothing about the lizards being cold-blooded killers. They simply eat the eggs and replace them with their own. They shouldn't have attacked the last pigeon the way they did. {je} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Dale G. Abersold: Yes, this episode did feature a little bit of that bogeyman "forced emotion," but on the whole this was a very funny episode with a great ending. There's not a whole lot you can count on these days, but you can always count on a little dark cynicism from Mr. David S. Cohen. (B+) Brad Bizzolt: I loved this episode. Skinner, the birdwatcher's meeting, and pretty much all of Act Three had me in stitches. Parts were slow, but let's not be picky now-- this is probably one of my favourite episodes from the past two or three seasons. I'd be curious, as always, to see what the naysayers have to say about this one; I thought it took a tacky, almost cliched plot and turned it into inspired humour. (A) Solon Boomer-Jenks: At first, I thought this episode was all right, just a little disgusting with all the animal killing. Then, the next day, I thought about re-watching it, and I didn't want to. I thought about possible reasons for this. All I could think of was that it really wasn't that good. I thought deeper. I realized that it started out good. The whole funpark thing was funny, and well written. After that, it just got stupid. That's all I can say. (C-) Ben Collins: I'm of two minds about this episode. It's either one of the weirdest episodes in recent years, or one of the most grounded. The characters are relatively well-drawn and it's good to see Bart back, but the general tone is un-Simpsonslike, as if it's a cross between "The Andy Griffith Show" and "Twin Peaks." Plus, many of the gags run too long, there's too much reliance on lame physical humor, and the plot sags at some points. All in all, this episode tries to go in the right direction, but gets lost along the way. (C+) Nathan DeHoff: This episode had an interesting premise, but it seems that the writer ran out of places to go with it. I liked the idea of Bart making amends on his own by taking care of the eggs. The scene at Nelson's house and what will probably be Troy McClure/Phil Hartman's last appearance were both well-done. Once the eggs hatched, however, the main plot is basically abandoned, in favor of some silly stuff about parasitic reptiles. This part provided some laughs, especially when Skinner proposed his solution for dealing with the problem, but it did not really supply an adequate conclusion to the story. (B-) Anthony Dean: This episode was OK for the first few acts, though the third act seemed to falter and drop the ball, especially with the episode's ending. Highlights: the scenes at the fun center, the mail call scene. Low points: Homer falling down the stairs repeatedly, the episode's ending scenes. (C+) Don Del Grande: One of the better episodes in a while, complete with a few "kinda sorta subplots" (the fun center; Bart and Nelson), although it got a little too sentimental at times, but it rebounded with a somewhat good ending. (B+) Yuri Dieujuste: This is now a new low. I do know how people can find this episode funny at all. This was worse than Lard of the Dance. Everybody was out of character and Homer was not funny. Who honestly wrote this piece of [bleep!]. Homer falling down the stairs was funny when he did it twice. Plus putting Bart and Marge as the center role really bites. Every time they do this, they seem to mess it up. If the writers are reading this, please just go back to Homer, Burns, Bart and Lisa(as a team). Marge will never ever be funny. (F) Ben Douwsma: This episode did not have me collapsing with laughter. That's not a bad thing though ... with this episode, the show has produced a plot-based episode, not a gag-based one. This is one of those episodes that are low in laughs, but it remains interesting. One where you can feel for Bart, as opposed to one that makes Homer look like a complete jerk. In short, I feel that this is in the vein of "The Way We Was" or "Marge Be Not Proud". (B+) Jordan Eisenberg: "Bart the Mother" seemed more like something out of Season Two than a 5F episode, in terms of both plot (the first two acts, anyway . . . ) and the handling of hidden gags. There was a definite Groening influence throughout the whole thing. I liked everything until Bart killed the bird, and the stuff afterwards was tolerable, even though Bart, IMO, was out-of-character. An original and fun episode, which I give a (B-) Andrew Gill: Not the worst ever. But not very good. Characterization seemed to be uninspired, plot was weak, and it was a little too repetitive and zany for my tastes, but its cavalier attitude toward the entire episode saved it from the depths of "Worst Ever"-ville. (D) Darrel Jones: Yay! At last, Season 10 has a classic! And who'dve guessed it would be this one, with its humdinger of a plot. Great gags, like Homer falling down the stairs, Lisa's offer for Bart combing her fake mustache, Bart's "judge" scene, and the truly ridiculous ending. The only poor scene was Bart and Nelson in the backyard, but even that improved after Bart shot the sparrow. David Cohen gets an (A) Joe Klemm: The Simpsons continues to show that they still have it after all these years with this episode. Phil Hartman's last appearance as Troy McClure was classic, and the jokes were clever (loved the Homer/basement running gag.) Let's hope they continue this for the rest of the season. (A-) Jake Lennington: I kind of like this one about the same as Lisa Gets an A, albeit for different reasons. I thought it was nice to see Bart's emotional side for a change. Even the lizard spawnlings were a nice addition. (A) Ondre Lombard: Bart the Mother isn't a terribly laugh-filled episode, nor is it a terrible episode all around. At the worst it's mediocre, with very little elements that make it stand out. The sensitivity shown by Bart is kind of nice, and so is the relationship between Marge and Bart, which is a little better than it even was in "Marge Be Not Proud." The last moments of the story are peculiar, but with an episode this nondescript, I guess it doesn't really matter. The hugest laugh I got all night was the list of animals the lizards would prey upon next. (C+) Brian Rawson-Ketchum: This episode really entertained me. All three acts were cleverly done, and there were many more LOL moments than there were from 5F21. Ah, to see Homer try to challenge an inanimate pitching machine and be pelted repeatedly was pretty good, even though it was repeatedly shown in the promos. Other highlights included Troy McClure's last appearance, the basement running gag, Bart's bird tribunal fantasy, and Apu's Bolivian donut flashback (now who would ship donuts in Styrofoam peanuts, let alone a wooden crate). In all, there was really nothing bad about this episode. I give this episode an A-, and I'm betting on continuing improvement for the tenth season. [Pay up -- Ed.] (A-) Mark A. Richey: And I thought "Wizard" was a strange episode. This one went all over the map, evolving from a "Bad Bart" story to an Andy Griffith knock-off to something out of "Jurassic Park". Unfortunately, that meant that the episode just didn't flow very well, and had a rather abrupt ending. It also wasn't very funny, with three different scenes just begging to be cut out in syndication (maybe the writers are now slipping in intentionally dumb stuff so the good stuff stays intact). Phil Hartman's final appearance was easily the highlight of the episode. (C) Tom Rinschler: After a slow start, this one really picked up in the third act, with almost non-stop laughs dealing with the bird-watching club and the lizards' effect on Springfield. And Phil Hartman's last appearance wasn't wasted either; Troy's line "but she has no defense against steel tongs" had me ROFL. A few good flashbacks and fantasy sequences spiced things up too, as did a good examination of the Marge-Bart relationship. Unfortunately a slow start and the over-used Homer-falling-down-the-basement-steps joke hurt the episode. (B) Yours Truly: By turns witty, sad, action-packed, and environmentally conscious, "Bart the Mother" goes off in too many different directions to really gel. Scenes like Bart and Nelson playing in the back yard lift the show, though. Troy McClure adds to his fine resume of educational films. (This episode marks Phil Hartman's last appearance as McClure, and possibly his last on the show.) [And indeed it was -- Ed.] (B) AVERAGE GRADE: B- (2.62) Std Dev.: 1.0223 (28 reviews computed) ============================================================================== > Comments and other observations ============================================================================== >> So long, Phil. Steve Timko provides us with this Fox press release. PHIL HARTMAN'S LAST GUEST VOICE APPEARANCE ON 'THE SIMPSONS' AIRS SUNDAY, SEPT. 27, ON FOX Hartman's Recurring Characters To Be Retired Phil Hartman will make his last guest voice appearance on THE SIMPSONS when the ''Bart the Mother'' episode airs Sunday, Sept. 27 (8:00 - 8:30 pm ET/PT) on FOX. In the episode, Bart tends to a motherless nest of birds. While researching ways to care for the nestlings, he watches the documentary ''Regional Geographic Presents: Birds: Our Fine Feathered Colleagues,'' hosted by Troy McClure (Hartman), a past B-movie idol and frequent host of infomercials, award shows, telethons, do-it-yourself videos and educational films. In ''Bart the Mother,'' McClure introduces himself in his usual self- promoting manner: ''Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as ''Earwigs: Eww'' and ''Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory.'' Out of respect and remembrance for Hartman, the episode will be dedicated to him and producers of THE SIMPSONS have retired Hartman's recurring characters, Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz. Although the characters can still be seen in repeat episodes, they will not appear in any new episodes. [A requiem and retrospective for Phil Hartman appears in the capsule for "The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase (4F20)," which was compiled shortly after he passed away -- Ed.] >> I'm one bad mother Haynes Lee relates this amusing story: "Mother Was A Rooster" [was a] 1962 Warner Brothers cartoon starring Foghorn Leghorn. The plot revolves around Foghorn Leghorn being duped into thinking he's the mother hen of an ostrich egg. The cartoon is most noted for the faux pas where Foghorn Leghorn utters the statement "Look, I'm a mother", a statement that somehow got past the censors at the time. >> He's baaack! Tim Nolan spots a familiar name in the credits: Hey, did anybody else notice that Al Jean appeared in the credits for "Bart The Mother" as a co- executive producer? I thought Al Jean left "The Simpsons" after Season 7, but "Bart The Mother" was produced during Season 9. Even stranger was the fact that he wasn't paired with Mike Reiss. >> Now where's my copy of "Who's Who of Con Artists"? Andrew Gill demystifies those "Who's Who" lists: This is a con about as old as the professional industry, itself. It plays on people's egos and their want to be famous. Unlike other similar "frauds" like "World Wide Poetry" scam, this is fairly cut and dry. You send them money, and they put you on a useless list. Just like in the episode, who really needs a who's who of 4th graders? A typical example would look a little like this (without Anton Sherwood's response) --- : As a highly respected individual in your field of expertise, we believe : your contributions merit very serious consideration for inclusion on : the Who's Who CD-ROM. ... I'd be more flattered if I had any idea in what "field of expertise" I'm so respected. --- nota bene: The "World of Poetry" scam is one where you send your poetry to a publisher who promises to review your poetry and put it in a book, if it's good enough. You can then buy the book for $50. That's not the real scam, though. The real scam comes later, when you're invited to go to the convention in Reno for only $2000. Some people allege that the book itself was a con, while others maintain that the people were getting exactly what they wanted--they just were a little unclear on exactly what they did want. >> Skee-Ball, the sport of kings Benjamin Robinson: A brief explanation for those of you who live in skee- ball-impaired countries. The idea is to roll a small ball down a lane, as in bowling. The end of the lane flips up, and the ball "hops" up into a numbered basket. The goal of the skee-baller is to roll the ball into the smallest basket, which yields the most points. The point of the game is to redeem the point tickets for prizes. Skee-ball is something of a rip-off, because the money spent to accumulate points outstrips the cost of the prize itself. Nelson has what is probably the only sure way to come out ahead of the game. Jordan Eisenberg: On the ski-ball machine that Nelson broke open, the balls have no glass covering to protect the game from being used for free. Either the machine is missing a part, or the person who used the machine last paid and left without playing. Andrew Gill: Depends on the machine. The Skee-ball machines at Waldameer Park would keep the balls pretty far up inside and release them when you put in quarters. There was no glass, just the fiberglass body. (And no, that's NOT glass.) >> Car Watch Benjamin Robinson: When the family pulls into the Family Fun Center's parking lot, you can make out the grille of a Dodge Caravan in the upper left-hand corner. Nelson's "shooting car" is a Chevrolet Camaro, made between 1970 1/2 and 1972. (You can tell by the bumpers; GM, like the other U.S. automakers, went to bigger government-mandated safety bumpers in 1973.) They didn't have 336-month payment plans back then, so the Muntzes bought the car used. [John Jensen asks a good question: "If it's a shooting car, how come the glass was not the first thing shot out? There was still the windshield and driver's mirror!"] When Bart is cornered on the roof, he looks down to see a red VW Beetle on the street. It's not a real car, but I liked the green four-door fastback the family walked past after the scented candle presentation. It's been about 17 years since someone made a real car in that body style. >> Bolivian Tree Lizard Field Guide Christian Kammerer tells us about these dangerous critters: The Bolivian Tree Lizard, like the Reticulated Chipmunk, seems to be simply a figment of the writers' imaginations. It is a cross between a green iguana (color, spikes on back), a Jackson's chameleon (horn, bosses over eyes, prehensile tail), a monitor lizard (forked tongue, carnivorous habits), and the Flying Dragon, Draco volans (gliding membranes formed from ribs). The animal is obviously a spoof on the Brown Tree Snake [Boiga irregularis] of New Guinea which has wreaked havoc on bird life upon its introduction to the Polynesian Islands, having killed 9 species of Guam (Guamish? Guammy- bear?) birds. The animal's behavior (destroying eggs and parasitizing the nest) is the same as that of many members of the cuckoo family, but this behavior does not exist in lizards. For that matter, no lizard has the hard-shelled blue oblong eggs that the ones in the episode had, nearly all lizard eggs have leathery or very thin shells. Also, it couldn't have killed the dodo of Mauritius, which went extinct in 1662 as a result of the introduction of pigs and rats, or the Black-billed Cuckoo or Hawaiian Ne-Ne which are still very much alive. >> Fun with bird names Benjamin Robinson: It took me a while to figure out why this episode earned the "D" modifier rating [for the U.S. market]. (This rating signifies sexually suggestive dialogue.) Skinner's list of birds targeted by the Bolivian tree lizard includes the booby and titmouse. While the joke obviously was a double entendre, it's faintly ridiculous to object, since these are real bird names. There's even a titmouse preservation club called, no lie, "The American Tit Society." Try looking for -that- on the web! >> Repetitiveness is my job. It's my job to repeat myself. Homer's tendency to unwittingly hurt himself sparked an interesting thread in . Andrew Gill started it with: The zaniness factor (baseball in the head, lizard eggs, crooked scope correction) is something that it could have done without, as with the repetition (How many times was Homer hit with the baseballs? How many times did Homer fall down the steps? How many times was Marge passed on the Go-Kart track? How many pies did Homer down? How many rake scenes were there in this episode?). OK. End Rant. Ben Collins agreed, writing: You hit the nail right on the head. This is just another sign that the show is trying to "appeal to a wider audience," as Fox might put it, and appeal to the lowest common denominator: people who find the simple fact that someone's being injured funny. Ondre Lombard, perhaps surprisingly, didn't mind the physical humor: What's wrong with that? I found Homer falling down the basement funny. I enjoy a good sight gag as long as it's done well, with good camerawork, timing, and sound effects. (I guess it's the effects of being a fan of Looney Tunes, and Animaniacs, and the like. Granted, it tends to be out of place in The Simpsons, but it'd account for why I liked "Cape Feare" so much.) Andy Taylor answers: It's called padding the show out. That's what is wrong with that. It was funny once, repeating twice more has no value. Yeah we know Homer is a little slow to catch on. In the case of Homer falling down the stairs three times, its more annoying like someone who tries to tell a funny joke, and fails. The person stands there saying "Get it!" slapping you on the back and repeating the punchline. Yeah, I got it, it wasn't overly funny. They didn't need to repeat it. Ben Collins again: Physical humor can work well on all levels if it's timed and set up well, like Looney Tunes in its golden age. And the basement gag worked relatively well for what it's worth. But Homer's repeated pratfalls and injuries often tend to present themselves as if the SIMPLE FACT that he's injured is funny above all else. Like, "Ha ha ha ha ha. Look at that idiot! He's in pain!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!" Scott L. Jacobi found the gag funny *because* he could see it coming: i feel that the basement joke was well used to an extent. The first time it was predictable as soon as you saw homer go towards the basement (why doesn't he stop when he see the light stay off) the second time was kinda funny, but the thing with the pies had me rolling on the floor. sure it was expected, but everyone seems to think only unexpected humor is funny. we knew it was coming as soon he says basement. So, what's a good example of physical humor? Someone named "TV's Jeff" suggested the scene in "Lisa On Ice (2F05)" where Homer bonks his head trying to eat a pie. Eric Sansoni elaborates on why this scene was better than the "Homer falling down the stairs" gag. Eric Sansoni: If Bart would have fallen down the stairs, or SLH had fallen ... IMO it would have been funnier. Repetition is part of humor but not exact repetition. You need to put a spin on it with some kind of variation, and I suspect I didn't laugh at these scenes because there wasn't enough variation. The Lisa on Ice joke is hilarious because it makes the same off-kilter logic apply to different events, and it builds, with each use more exaggerated than the previous. It's amusing when Bart brings up the accidental hitting, a bullying idea we can all recognize. It's funny when Lisa counteracts with kicking, which we expect will hurt Bart but probably make things worse for both of them. Finally it's hilarious when Homer uses the same technique in a situation by himself where it can't remotely work as an excuse anymore, then manages to get himself injured anyway. This is a good example of Homer's stupidity being the punchline, not the entire joke itself. Then they tack on yet another joke, when his appetite proves to be enough to make him forget the pain, and he abandons all pretense of "accidentally" eating the pie to go for the direct approach. Not to mention the injury is not something like getting his head caught in a collapsing bridge, but hitting it on the oven range, something a lot of us might be able to relate to. This whole sequence is by far one of the funniest, most ambitious and brilliant uses of humor I've ever had the pleasure of splitting my sides over. >> Miscellaneous, Etc. The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is: Mother Was A Spikey-Haired Boy Andrew Gill: Like Bart with his lizards, Albert de Salvo was allegedly commended for his work with population control. (For those who don't know, Albert de Salvo was the Boston Strangler) See: . Haynes Lee contributes this pair: Kreskin had a popular psychic show in Canada during the 1970s (although her never claimed to be psychic). Now appears occasionally on Letterman. Pigeons are considered as vermin to city health officials on the same level as rats. They carry a lot of diseases. ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary {jo} ============================================================================== % At the Simpson house, Homer calls everyone together in the TV room. Homer: Mail call! Gather 'round, everyone! All right, one for ... resident. Marge: That's me! Homer: Well, that's it. Bart: One stinkin' letter? Why'd you make us gather 'round like that? Homer: I needed my power fix. [sighs contentedly] Marge: Hey, listen to this! [reading letter] Congratulations, your child, or children, have been selected in "Who's Who Among American Elementary School Students." Homer: [gasps, then belches] Marge: Please submit their names, along with ninety-five dollars, for each handsome volume you wish to order! Oh, I've never been so proud! [kisses both of them] You both deserve a big, big reward! Lisa: Mom, they put every kid in America in that book, just so gullible parents will buy it. It's all a big scam. Bart: [sotto voce] Shut up ... Marge: Are you sure? I can usually smell a scam from two towns over. Bart: Yeah, Lis', she is a smart, sophisticated woman. [winks at Lisa] Now, let's hear more about that big, big reward. Homer: Yeah, quit stalling, Marge, we want our reward. -- The grifters, "Bart, the Mother" % The Simpsons drive to the "Family Fun Center"; Marge points the sign % outside and announces, "One reward, coming up!" The kids cheer as % they pull in. Homer parks the car and gets out. Oh, man, it feels good to get out of that car. Ooh, go-karts! Come on, everybody, let's go! -- Homer Simpson, "Bart, the Mother" % At the go-kart race, the family drives miniature cars in circles in a % fenced-in tire-lined track. Homer: Look at me, Bart! I'm driving! Bart: We're all proud of you, Dad. Lisa: [trying to get around Marge] Move it, pokey. Marge: Slow and steady wins the race! -- Tell that to Dale Earnhardt, "Bart, the Mother" % The other drivers all pass Marge, who drives sensibly forward. % "Easy, easy, stick with the plan," she reassures herself as the others % pass -- twice. Nelson Muntz, driving there as well, knocks Milhouse % off the road and pulls up alongside Marge. She chides Nelson, but he % isn't apologetic. % % Meanwhile, at the batting cages, Homer steps up to the plate. Homer: Stand back and watch the pro. Lisa: Uh, shouldn't you put on a batting helmet? Homer: Nah, they mess up my hair. -- "Bart, the Mother" % After dropping in a coin, Homer takes a swing and misses. "Ooh, ball % one," he says. Another swing, another miss, "Ball two." he says. % "This bozo's gonna walk me." After getting hit by a pitch, he picks a % fight with the machine, but only ends up getting hit again and again. % He finally falls to the floor, taking repeated baseballs to the body. % Bart and Lisa watch outside. Lisa: Hang in there, Dad, just half a basket left! Bart: Wow, you sure get a lot of balls for a quarter. -- Now that's entertainment value! "Bart, the Mother" % At the skee-ball machines, Lisa and Maggie work together to score % points. Nelson, after calling her a cheater, takes apart the machine % and grabs the roll of tickets. Later, Bart takes his winnings up to % the teenager at the counter. Bart: Okay, what can I get for twelve, count 'em, twelve prize tickets? Pimple-Faced Teen: Two thumbtacks and a moustache comb. Or five rubber bands and an ice cube. Nelson: What can I get for eight thousand tickets? Pimple-Faced Teen: A B-B Gun or an Easy Bake Oven. Nelson: Hmm ... hot food is tempting. But I just can't say no to a weapon. -- Priorities, "Bart, the Mother" % The teenager hands Nelson the gun, and Bart, still at the counter, % admires it. Bart: Whoa, can I try that sometime? Nelson: Yeah, sure. Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun. Bart: Wow, thanks, Nelson, I'll come by your house later! Marge: Oh, no you won't! You stay away from Nelson Muntz. Bart: But Mom! Marge: Nelson's a troubled, lonely, sad little boy. He needs to be isolated from everyone. Bart: But Mom! Marge: Yes? Bart: That's all I got. -- He didn't inherit the debating gene, "Bart, the Mother" % In Bart's bedroom, Lisa talks with her brother. Lisa: So what prize did you end up getting? Bart: Moustache comb. What'd you get? Lisa: Fake moustache. Wanna comb it? Bart: Oh, this sucks. Time to punch out of this yawn factory. I'm going to Nelson's. [jumps out the window to his tree] Lisa: But Mom said not to! Bart: She doesn't scare me. I do what I want, when I want. [brushes himself off frantically] Oh God, inchworms! -- "Bart, the Mother" % At the Muntz's, Nelson carves a phone call message onto the wall. It % reads, "Mom - Dad called, Re: Bail" Bart: Won't you get in trouble if your Mom sees you doing that? Nelson: Eh, my Mom's got bigger problems. She doesn't give a crap what I do. Bart: Wow, you are so lucky. Nelson: Come on, let's lock and load. You're not going out without a scarf, are you? Bart: Nah, I don't need one. Nelson: Hmm. It's your health. -- "Bart, the Mother" % In the backyard, Nelson tests his gun by shooting a bottle. Then, he % fires at a broken down old car sitting in the yard. He shatters a few % panes of glass on it, and then his own reflection in the rear-view % mirror. With pride, he notes that with just three more payments, the % car will finally be theirs. % % Bart asks for his turn at the gun, but Nelson isn't ready to part % with it just yet. He suggests a couple more stunts -- like shooting a % pair of glasses off Bart's head -- but Bart doesn't go for these. % Then, the two boys notice a bird singing in a tree. Nelson: Bet you can't hit that bird from here. Bart: Are you crazy? I don't want to shoot a stupid bird. Nelson: That's 'cause you know you can't. You're not a super-stud like me! Bart: Am too! Nelson: Are not! You're an octo-wussy. [mockingly] Whoa, look at me, I'm Bart Simpson! I'm scared to use a gun! I wanna marry Milhouse! I walk around like this: [singing] La, la la, la, la la ... Bart: Hey, quit it! -- "Bart, the Mother" % Bart takes the gun from Nelson and lifts it into the air towards the % bird. He lines the sight up, then moves it a few inches to the right, % and fires. Strangely enough, he hits the bird; it chirps loudly as it % falls to the ground. Bart: Oh my God. Nelson: Whoa, major shot! You even compensated for the crooked sight! Bart: Crooked sight?! Nelson: You are one cold blooded killer, dude! Bart: But, but, I wasn't ... I didn't ... Nelson: [examines bird] Right through the neck! [wolf-whistles] Doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson. Savor the moment. Bart: [looks dejectedly to the ground, ashamed of himself] % [End of Act One. Time: 6:04] % % Marge and Homer fold laundry in the kitchen. While Marge hums to % herself and folds towels, Homer hands her a large ball of socks. Homer: I rolled up all the socks, [holds up a giant wad of socks] what's next? Marge: [takes the socks] While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket? Homer: All right ... oh, I hate folding sheets. [holds up a sheet] Marge: That's your underwear. Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two man job. Where's Bart? Marge: He's up in his room. [yells] Bart! Homer: It's okay, Marge, I'll get him. [thunderous yell] Bart!! Lisa: [walking in] What the heck's going on? Marge: We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants. Where is he, anyway? Lisa: Bart? Aw ... he went to play with a friend? Marge: He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? Lisa: No, no ... I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse. Homer: [yelling out the window] Milhouse!! Milhouse: [yelling from distance] What?! Homer: Tell Bart to come home!! Milhouse: I think he's at Nelson's!! Homer: Who's Nelson?! Marge: Nelson?! I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster. Ooo, Bart is in deep, deep trouble. -- Quiet, or he'll write another song, "Bart, the Mother" % Marge directs Homer to punish Lisa for lying. He isn't any better at % punishing Lisa than he with disciplining the boy, since he gives Lisa % some money to run an errand to the Kwik-E-Mart % % Back in the Muntz backyard, Bart and Nelson stand over the bird, % staring at it. Nelson: Should we bury it, or chuck it into a car full of girls? [reaches for the bird] Bart: Hey, leave it alone! Nelson: Okay, okay, don't kill me, killer. Bart: Don't calling me that! Nelson: Relax, Simpson, it was either him or you. No court would convict you. -- "Bart, the Mother" % Bart imagines himself before an avian court comprised of a vulture, % an eagle, and a toucan as judges. Eagle: Bart Simpson, do you know why you've been summoned before this tribunal? Bart: Yes, sir. Because I killed an innocent bird. Vulture: Dear Lord! We just wanted you to put fresh newspaper on the tribunal floor! Eagle: We're knee-deep in our own droppings. It's disgusting. Toucan: But since you've confessed to birdslaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off. Bart: No, not the face! -- "Bart, the Mother" % The three birds fly down and peck Bart's face; Back in Nelson's % backyard, we can see the connection. Nelson is smacking Bart on the % cheeks repeatedly, out of boredom. % % Suddenly, Marge pulls up in her car and gets out. Bart stands in % front of the dead bird to keep her from seeing it. Bart: Uh, oh. Marge: Young man, you're coming home with me this minute. Nelson: All right, finally, a real home! Marge: Not you. Bart! Nelson: Oh. See you later, Killer! Marge: "Killer"? Why did he call you "Killer"? Bart: Mom, you were right. Nelson is bad news. Can we go home? Marge: What are you hiding there? Bart: Nothing. Marge: What are those cats doing behind you? Bart: Uh ... cats like me? [a cat jumps on him] Get ... get off! Get off! -- "Bart, the Mother" % After moving away from the bird while fighting the cat off, Bart % tosses the cat down, scaring the other cats away, and allowing Marge % to see the body of the dead bird. Marge: Bart! Did you kill that poor bird? Bart: I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left. Marge: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal? Bart: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished. Marge: What's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums, fine. Have fun killing things. Bart: Mom, wait ... -- "Bart, the Mother" % Marge gets into her car and drives away; Bart walks back to Nelson's % house and sees him frying a carrot, then turns back around to the % tree. He notices that the mother left a nest and eggs behind, so he % climbs the tree to apologize, and pledges to take care of them. % % At the Old Springfield Library, Bart starts a film, "Birds: Our Fine % Feathered Colleagues" starring Troy McClure. Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as "Earwigs, Ew!", and "Man Versus Nature: The Road to Victory". In all the animal kingdom, no mother is more devoted than the blue jay. Valuing her eggs above even her own life, the mother bird regularly fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose. [visiting a mother blue jay in a tree, Troy puts both a badger and a mongoose on the branch next to her. The mother, indeed, stands up and chases them off] Of course, one thing Mother blue jay can't defend against is a set of steel tongs. [Troy lifts the bird off its nest with a pair of tongs; we get a look at her eggs as he holds her in the air, squawking] Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love that only a mother can provide. Or better yet, a seventy-five watt bulb. -- "Bart, the Mother" % Inside a lab, Troy places the eggs and nest, sans mother, inside a % small glass box lit by a light bulb. He looks up and sees the camera. Troy: Oh, hello! In a few days, our eggs will hatch into nestlings, like these over here. [walks to a cage of chirping birds] Billy: They look awfully hungry, Mr. McClure. Troy: They sure are, Billy. In nature, their mother would regurgitate food for them to eat. Billy: That's gross! Troy: [laughs uproariously] It sure is, Billy. It sure is. [Troy Smiles, and the film ends] -- "Bart, the Mother" % Bart checks his notes from the movie and leaves the library. He % passes by Reverend Lovejoy, who is checking the Bible out of the % library for the 450th time in a row. % % In his treehouse, Bart has his eggs placed in a cardboard box next to % a light socket with a 75-watt bulb that was just "lying around." Back % in the house, Homer, whistling, carries a box to the basement; he % flips on the switch at the top of the stairs and starts walking, but % trips and falls down them. % % Back in the treehouse, Bart tells the eggs that he's been working on % regurgitating food. (What a mother won't do for her kids ...) Then, % he sets about naming his "kids." I think I'll call you [points to one egg] Chirpy Boy. And you [points to the other] Bart Jr. And you can call me Mother. No, wait, that sounds kinda fruity. Just call me Mom. -- Bart Simpson, "Bart, the Mother" % In the coming days, Bart protects his eggs by adjusting the light and % putting a parasol over them to keep out the rain. Homer, repeating % his mistake, falls down the stairs once more. Bart later hoses down % the cat when it tries to grab his eggs. Marge: What do you think he's doing up there? Homer: I don't know. Drug lab? Marge: Drug lab?! Homer: Or reading comic books, what am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing. Marge: I don't know, and I don't want to know. And I'm going to find out. -- "Bart, the Mother" % Marge walks outside and sees a power cord running from a wall outlet % to the treehouse. Seeing that it's her good grey extension cord, she % pulls the plug out; the light bulb goes out over the nest. Bart: Oh, no! I've got to keep these warm. Marge: [calling from the ground] Bart, stop whatever you're doing and come down here. Bart: Can't right now! Come back later. Marge: Oh, I'll come back later. [climbs tree] How's this for later? Bart: Mom, listen ... Marge: Why are you sitting like that? What are you hiding this time? [Bart, sighing, steps away from his seat to reveal the bird nest] Eggs? Bart: That bird I killed was their mother. I don't want her babies to die, too. -- "Bart, the Mother" % Marge grumbles, preparing to scold, but then reconsiders and gives % her son a hug. While doing so, she notices that one of the eggs move. % Later, the eggs lie on the kitchen table, and the whole family admires % them, with Homer being especially excited. Marge has been chipping in % by using homemade pies to warm the nest. When she notices one % starting to cool down, she goes to bake another. Before she does so, % she takes the nest from off the pie it was sitting on and gives it to % Homer, who digs in. % % The family stares at the eggs impatiently. Homer: Why's it taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes. Marge: Actually, it took fifty-three hours. Homer: Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it? Marge: [grumbles] -- "Bart, the Mother" % Later, Bart notices the eggs start to crack and calls everyone over. % Gathering around, the family watches the show. Marge: I see a foot! Lisa: I see an eye! Bart: I see a neck! Homer: I see a horn! Lisa: A horn? -- Maybe it's a hornbill, "Bart, the Mother" % From the eggs have hatched two green baby lizards who sit in the % nest, flicking their tongues. The Simpsons, finding them cute, say % "Aw ...". However, the lizards seem to see the family in a different % light and hiss at them; all four family members scream. % % [End of Act Two. Time: 14:48] % % In the kitchen, Bart stares at the two lizards, still inside the % nest. Bart: Man, those are some funky-looking birds. Homer: [giggling] Aw, you look like a little tiny dinosaur. [gets bitten and screams] This is one vicious baby bird. Lisa: Dad, they aren't birds. Bart: Sure they are. They came from eggs in a bird's nest. Therefore, they're birds. Ikso fatso. Lisa: One, they don't have beaks. Two, they don't have feathers, and three, they're lizards! Bart: You're a lizard! Homer: Enough bickering! I know how to settle this. Marge: No kickboxing! Homer: [takes pies] Aww ... if anybody wants me, I'll be eating alone in the basement. [Homer heads toward the basement, where he falls down the stairs in the darkness once again] -- Slow learner, "Bart, the Mother" % At a local birdwatching society, Principal Skinner talks with the % group. Skinner: Now, uh, people. There's been some confusion about our bird sighting rules. You cannot count birds that you've seen at the zoo, on stamps, or in dreams. Moe: Well, I'm back to square one. [tears up his piece of paper] [a pigeon lands on the windowsill. Jasper looks at it through his binoculars] Jasper: My God -- a pigeon. That's the last bird on my list. Heh. So long, suckers! -- "Bart, the Mother" % At that moment, Bart walks in with a cardboard box, accompanied by % Marge and Lisa. Bart, still insisting his new friends are birds, asks % Skinner to identify them. Skinner is happy that Bart brought them in. % He takes the lizards and puts their heads underneath a paper cutter, % but Bart grabs them back before Skinner can slice them in two. Bart % quickly whisks them out of harm's way, and demands an explanation. % % Principal Skinner holds up a pad of paper with a U.S. Wildlife % Department alert statement regarding that breed of lizard on it. Lisa: [reading] Bolivian Tree Lizard? Skinner: Mmm-hmm. It's a vicious ovoraptor. It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch and ... devour her too. Moe: [laughing] What a chump! Skinner: It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the Ne-Ne, and it has nasty plans for the Booby, the Titmouse, the Woodcock, and the Titpecker. -- Good night, everybody! "Bart, the Mother" % Marge is horrified that such a vicious creature threatens % Springfield's avian population. Skinner wonders how the lizard made % it to town and, as if in response, the scene shifts to the Kwik-E-Mart % some time ago. Apu pries open a box of Bolivian donuts; two lizards % escape from it and run out the door. Burns: Look, Skinner, we haven't got all day. Kill the horrid beasts, and do away with their lizards. Bart: No, don't hurt them! I'll just keep them as pets. Skinner: No, they might escape and breed. The law is very clear on this, they must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible. [holds up a hand drill] Bart: No, they're mine! Marge: I'm sure we can work this out. [to Skinner] He's just a child. Let me talk to him. Skinner: All right, I'll give you a moment. That'll give us time to prepare for the splatter. [Burns and Moe put on protective glasses] -- The first five rows will get wet, "Bart, the Mother" % Marge takes Bart outside and shuts the door. Marge: Bart, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Your lizards are banned by federal law. Bart: Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them, and I love them! I know that's hard to understand. Marge: Mmm ... not as hard as you think. -- "Bart, the Mother" % She hugs him, and whispers, "Run for it." Bart does so, when the % bird watchers open the door. Skinner: Okay, that's exactly one moment. [gasps] Oh my God, he's getting away! Smithers: Stop him! Moe: Out of the way, Midge. Marge: [blocking the doorway purposely] Oh, am I in the way? Burns: Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? Marge: Sorry, I didn't realize I was in the way! Skinner: You're still in the way. And you don't seem to be moving at all. Edna: Oh, for crying out loud, just knock her ass down. Moe: Way to shove, Edna. Apu: Let us roll. -- "Bart, the Mother" % In the basement, Bart and his lizards hide. Opening the box, he asks % them if they are really egg-killers. The two lizards give Bart an % innocent look, but Bart isn't swayed. "Don't use that look on me," he % scolds, "I invented that look!" % % Suddenly, the bird watching society bursts in through nearby door. % Monty Burns, looking at him the wrong way through binoculars, shouts, % "There he is! Off in the distance!". Chasing him onto the roof, Bart % stops at the edge with nowhere to go. Skinner corners him and demands % that he hand over the lizards. Bart shrinks away, unwilling to give % up just yet. "I said relinquish!" Skinner says, and grabs the box. % The two tug on it, when suddenly the reptiles fly up and over the edge % of the building. Skinner: Good riddance to bad lizards. [suddenly, the lizards spread their flaps and drift gently to the ground] Bart: Hey! Whoa, look at them! Go Chirpy Boy! Go Bart Junior! Skinner: Oh, nuts! Lisa: Wow, did you know they had those webbed flaps for gliding? Skinner: Yes, but I was hoping they didn't know that. -- "Bart, the Mother" % The lizards, once on the ground, flap their tongues at each other and % duck into some bushes, gone for good. Skinner foresees doom for % Springfield's feathered friends, thanks to Bart. % % Kent Brockman, however, has a different story on the nightly news. Our top story, the population of parasitic tree lizards has exploded, and local citizens couldn't be happier! It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon, also known as the feathered rat, or the gutterbird. For the first time, citizens need not fear harassment by flocks of chattering disease-bags. -- Kent Brockman, "Bart, the Mother" % Some time later, the city honors Bart for his work. For decimating our pigeon population, and making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle. -- Mayor Quimby, "Bart, the Mother" % Away from the speech, Skinner and Lisa talk. Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend. Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards? Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards. Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse? Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat. Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas! Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death. -- The Cirrrrcle of Liiiiiife ... "Bart, the Mother" % Lisa sighs to herself at Skinner's explanation, and later joins her % family on the sidewalk for a walk to the car. Homer: I'm proud of you boy. [sniffs candle] Mmm ... loganberry. Lisa: I don't get it, Bart. You got all upset when you killed one bird, but now you've killed tens of thousands, and it doesn't bother you at all. Bart: Hey, you're right ... I call the front seat! Lisa: You had it on the way over! -- "Bart, the Mother" % As the Simpsons get into the car, a pigeon is mauled to death by a % large group of hungry lizards on the sidewalk behind them. Fade out. % % [End of Act Three. Time: 21:18] ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {ad} Anthony Dean {ak} Andrew Krupowicz {bb} Brad Bizzolt {bd} Ben Douwsma {bjr} Benjamin Robinson {brk} Brian Rawson-Ketchum {ck} Christian Kammerer {ddg} Don Del Grande {dga} Dale G. Abersold {dj} Darrel Jones {hl} Haynes Lee {je} Jordan Eisenberg {jk} Joe Klemm {ljg} Larry J. Guzman {ol} Ondre Lombard {pe} Pete Escott {pt} Paul Tomko {ss} Samuel Sklaroff {tr} Tom Rinschler ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 1999 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The transcript itself is Copyright 1998 John Ogan. This capsule has been brought to you by the Springfield Birdwatching Society. This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today. Many thanks to Frederic Briere, who provided me with alt.tv.simpsons archives when needed. This capsule wouldn't be nearly as complete without their invaluable help.