Lard of the Dance Written by Jane O'Brien Directed by Dominic Polcino ============================================================================== Production code: 5F20 Original Airdate on FOX: 23-Aug-1998 Capsule revision A (4-Feb-2002) ============================================================================== > "TV Guide" Synopsis ============================================================================== [TVgen.com] Lisa is envious of a worldly new student from Capital City, who suggests the school hold a dance; Homer drags Bart into his grease- recycling business. {je} ============================================================================== > Title sequence ============================================================================== Blackboard: None due to shortened intro Couch: The family runs to the couch. Just as they are about to sit down, Nelson yanks it back and has a good laugh at their expense. [Recycled from 5F08] ============================================================================== > Did You Notice... ============================================================================== ... Milhouse makes "grease angels" on the floor of the gym? ... the girlie calendar at the grease recycling depot, which pictured a bikini-clad woman leaning over a barrel of grease? ... both the girlie calendar and a school calendar were turned to March? ... Sherri and Terri are willing to hang out with second-graders like Allison, Janey, and Lisa? [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] Anthony Dean: ... Maggie isn't seen much in this episode? ... Bart's still allowed into the Try N Save? ... Skinner doesn't scold Nelson for swearing? ... Homer apparently knows what an emu is? Don Del Grande: ... both the "main plot" and "subplot" are mentioned in the title? ... this is the first time they've done a "first day of school" episode? ... apparently, Martin doesn't do thankless tasks? ... pretty much everybody at the school dance was from either Bart's or Lisa's class? ... the party store is running a "Winter Madness" sale in (what I assume is) September? ... when Homer and Bart are headed to the school, the background loops with two buildings appearing over and over? ... they never do mention what grade Alex is in? ... second-graders are interested in a school dance? And dates? ... in Dingo Junction, Sherri and Terri still manage to wear identical new outfits? Jordan Eisenberg: ... at 26 episodes, this has been the longest season yet? [Assuming you count this show as a ninth season episode -- Ed.] ... the boy on the cardboard setup that Bart ambushed with staples was Jimmy: Troy McClure's sidekick in "Lisa the Vegetarian"? ... Apu is actually taking strides to maintain cleanliness in his store for once? ... SLH looked an awful lot like his pregnant girlfriend once did? ... Principal Skinner's attitude towards new students has changed for the better since 8F22? ... Lisa wore the bow and smile at the dance, just as Marge told her to? Jeremy Gallen: ... Homer's smart enough not to fall for Marge's emu farm suggestion? Andrew Gill: ... Homer doesn't think that he's financially independent? ... the van Houtens seem to have interesting eyebrows? ... Simpson and Son (Or perhaps that should be "Son of Simpson and Son") is still around? Tony Hill: ... Milhouse calls himself "Milly"? (is how the cc spelled it) ... the school bus comes at about 8:50? ... the new Malibu Stacey has an "achievable chest"? ... the music stops when Lisa emerged from the dressing room? ... Lisa has a posture kneeler chair? ... Willy cleans himself with Ajax and Brillo pads? Joe Klemm: ... the Try and Save has a horse ride and rocket ride outside? ... the Krusty Speak and Say tries to spell a dirty word? ... Marge is a member of a bridge club? ... the lunch lady in the cafeteria doesn't look like Lunchlady Doris? ... the school budget can now afford a school nurse that's not Doris? ... the Etch-a-Sketch in one of the shelves in Lisa's room? ... Uter wore a green sweater to the dance? Andrew Levine: ... this is the first episode to air during the summer in 6 years? ... Bart was sad at having to miss school? ... Homer says that the pipe is bringing up the rear as it is sucking onto his rear? ... when Homer says he is excited about the plan, the pipe wags like a dog's tail? Brian Rawson-Ketchum: ... the "Simpson & Son Grease" sign on Marge's car? ... there didn't appear to be any chaperones at the dance? Mark A. Richey: ... SES apparently doesn't have a school supply list? ... the cheesecake calendar at the grease plant wall? ... the Happy Little Elves sticker in Lisa's locker? ... Alex has more than one school outfit? ... Bart seems to actually miss going to school? ... the different music videos on the screens at Dingo Junction? ... Homer can't outrun a grease-lovin' Scotsman? ... the greaseman [in the gym, during the dance]? ... Ralph is wearing a tux to the dance? Tom Rinschler: ... Lisa puts a "Happy Little Elves" lunchbox into her locker? Benjamin Robinson: ... Homer's handwriting looks like Matt Groening's? ... the grease transport company was called "Acne" rather than "Acme"? ... Allison got a speaking role, even though Winona Ryder wasn't in the cast? ... we now know for certain there's more than one Geeky Voiced Teen? ... Lisa doesn't bother to get her shoes before running to find Milhouse? ... Lisa takes Marge's advice to wear a hair bow to the dance? ... Homer's hose wags when Bart asks if he is excited? ... the grease stains that appear on Homer's pants when he pockets the grease? ============================================================================== > Voice Credits ============================================================================== - Starring - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Krusty, Employee, Willie) - Julie Kavner (Marge) - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph, Nelson, Database) - Yeardley Smith (Lisa) - Hank Azaria (Apu, Pimple-Faced Teen, Luigi) - Harry Shearer (Skinner, Man #1, Man #2) - Special Guest Voice - Lisa Kudrow (Alex) - Also Starring - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Wendell, Lewis) - Tress MacNeille (Nurse) - Maggie Roswell (Ms. Hoover) - Russi Taylor (Sherri, Terri, Allison [?], Janey [?], Martin) ============================================================================== > Movie (and other) references ============================================================================== + "Lord of the Dance" (theatrical dance show) - title a spoof [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + Mattel's "See 'n' Say" (toy) {brk} - Krusty's toy was a cheap imitation (as are most of Krusty's products) - "Something About Mary" (movie) {bjr} - something about Milhouse's hair when he talks to Lisa at the store reminds me of this movie's poster + "Friends" (TV series) - Alex similar to Lisa Kudrow's character {al} - she says, "don't be such a Phoebe" [Phoebe is Kudrow's character's name; See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] - "Clueless" (movie) {brk) - Alex is a lot like Cher from this movie + Obsession (perfume) {bjr} - Pretension a spoof of this Calvin Klein scent + Mattel's Barbie (girls' doll) {jk} - Malibu Stacy with a new chest [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] + Roadrunner cartoons {hl} - generic Acme company name appropriately spoofed as "Acne" + the Donner Party {jk} - the name of the party supply store taken from the famous wagon train debacle [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] - the Donner incident took place in winter, and there's a "winter madness sale" at the store - "The Boys from Brazil" (movie) {hl} - according to Marge, a baby can't organize a school dance unless it was "one of those super-babies from Brazil" + "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" (song) - Marge tries to cheer Lisa up by singing new words to this song by C & C Music Factory ~ "Code of the West" (movie) {al} - Angus McLeod is a character from this 1936 Western + "Alien" (movie) {al} - Homer pursued by Willie in the vent ducts - The shot of Homer pursued from the rear ~ "Daria" (TV series) {ad} - Homer's bulging eye seems reminiscent of Mr. DiMartino's perpetually bulging/bloodshot eye + the sinking of the Titanic - Alex likens the dance to this maritime disaster ============================================================================== > Previous episode references ============================================================================== - [7G12] Krusty is illiterate {th} - [7F22], [8F23] Episodes aired between seasons {rb} - [8F05] Krusty is Jewish {th} - [8F06], [8F19], [9F08] rendering plants seen {hl} - [9F01] Lisa struggles to walk on high heels (cf. Platform shoes in this episode) {bjr} - [9F15] Someone wears braces {dj} - [1F08] Someone editorializes with "At the risk of being unpopular ..." {pc} - [1F17] Lisa has a new classroom rival {bjr} - [1F17] Allison appears {je} - [1F17] Homer referred to the sugar in his sugar scheme in LR as "white gold" {js} - [1F17] Homer's sugar pile {hl} - [1F18] grease in ducts {th} - [1F18] There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman! {hl} - [1F18] Bart and Groundskeeper Willie in the school crawlspace {ddg} - [1F18], [1F21], [2F12], [2F18] Luigi appears {je} - [2F04] Milhouse playing jacks {hl} - [2F07] Simpson and Son go on the road {th} - [2F13] Dingoes mentioned {hl} - [2F15] Milhouse's unrequited crush on Lisa {bjr} - [2F16] Somebody uses (or attempts to use) a stapler as a weapon {je} - [3F07], [5F07] The Try-N-Save {je} - [3F22] Lisa tries to reinvent her image {bjr} - [3G04] Lisa wants her ears pierced {bjr} - [4F01] Milhouse's latest crush on Lisa {hl} - [4F06] "Snow angels" made in a substance other than snow {bjr} - [4F11] "Everybody Dance Now" is heard {bjr} ============================================================================== > Freeze frame fun ============================================================================== - 1st truck {je} ACNE GREASE CO. - 2nd truck {je} ACNE GREASE & SHOVEL CO. - At the mall {bjr} DONNER'S [balloon] PARTY [balloon] SUPPLIES WINTER MADNESS SALE ============================================================================== > Animation, continuity, and other goofs ============================================================================== + Milhouse's hair was ripped out at the beginning, but returned later in the show. {ms} * Why would Apu decline food stamps? It's a cash cow for stores since they get a fee payment. {th} * What sort of bizarre school schedule does Springfield have? The first day of class took place in March. [Andrew Krupowki guesses, "Perhaps the guy at the grease shop left the calendar in March because he liked the picture?"] {bjr} c There's a captioning error when a blinded Ralph wanders out of the classroom. While we hear Nelson offscreen tripping Ralph, the captioning indicated that Ralph wandered out into traffic, causing an accident. {mar} * Lisa Kudrow pretty much sounds like a woman rather than a 8-year old girl. {hl} + What happened to the Puma statue in 8F15? {hl} = Homer turns in 4 cans of grease, but the man weighs only 3 of them. {mar} + Lisa seemed pretty eager to have her ears pierced after Bart got his earring. (Or maybe she wanted it done professionally.) {bjr} = When Homer drives by SES in the car, you don't see Bart in it in the first shot. {mar} * Wouldn't somebody notice that Bart had been absent from school since the day it started? {bjr} * Surely Marge would care about her son's education, rather than some stupid grease business. {jg} = At Krusty Burger, the "red-haired" kid's hair was brown at first, then turned reddish-brown. {ddg} * It's established that Bart is skipping school when he and Homer go to Krusty Burger. So how come just about the entire staff of the place are teenagers who should be in school themselves? {mar} * Plus, there was another kid eating at one of the booths. {je} - Lisa's "Happy Little Elves" lunchbox just says "Little Elves". {ddg} + Sherri and Terri already got their ears pierced in [3G04] "Simpson Tide". {ad} + Lisa seems to have meat on her plate at dinner? {mar} + Ralph isn't wearing his eye patches in the playground. {je} = In the same scene, we see Lewis sitting at the table in some shots, and standing in the background in others. {je} - In a shot of Lisa with her Bleedin' Gums Murphy photo behind her, BGM appeared to be bald. {jg} * If Lisa had to take the tickets, why was she worried about having a date, since she wouldn't have been able to dance with him while taking tickets? {ddg} * There is no way a ventilation duct could have fit both Homer and Willy on top of each other like that. [Solon Boomer-Jenks writes, "Don't be so sure. Some schools have very large ventilation ducts. The last two high schools I went to had ducts large enough to crawl in, probably not enough to fight in though."] {je} * The build-up of grease in the hose couldn't have happened as shown. [See "Comments" section for more -- Ed.] {jw} c During the dance, after Skinner had to leave the school due to some emergency involving his mother, the song that was playing when Lisa entered the gym was not "More", as the CC said. It was "I Can Love You Like That" by All-4-One. {ja} - In the scene where the kids look up and see the grease dripping out of the fan ("It's snowing"), it looks as if the ductwork hangs below the ceiling. In the wide shot of the gym after the grease spills, however, the vents come out of the wall and no ductwork can be seen below the ceiling. {brk} ============================================================================== > Reviews ============================================================================== Dale G. Abersold: A surprisingly good remake of "Lisa's Rival," in many ways more realistic than the original, and with a far superior subplot. Executive Producer Mike Scully and his staff really seem to have hit their stride in the latter half of the "5F" episodes: hopefully this winning streak will continue as season 10 officially begins in a month. (B+) Brad Bizzolt: We've seen both of those plots before; Lisa having a "rival" and Homer taking up a new crackpot moneymaking scheme. There were a whole bunch of opportunities for great new ideas within these topics, but they just sorta fizzled away. I give it this rating for the great one-liners that had little to do with the rest of the episode (Homer's "prayer", Marge's "Every Simpson Dance Now", etc); even when the plot tires, the twisted jokes never let up. (B) Solon Boomer-Jenks: This episode was not good. In fact, it was just plain lame. It began as a bad rip-off of Summer of 4'2" (which is not one of my favorites either) only to become the subplot of Lisa's Rival gone bad. There were a few good jokes, though, which saves this episode from being "bad." This is, I believe the first time an episode has been done like this, where the story is totally a takeoff from other episodes. I'll give it a (C-) Ben Collins: A hard-core Simpsons fan could tune in to the middle of this episode and think it was a clip show. In fact, considering how much it borrowed from other episodes, especially "Lisa's Rival" (except that the main plot and subplot are switched), that may have been a good idea. It could have saved valuable animation labor. The main plot with Homer's wacky adventures in grease-selling was stupid, tiresome, and overdone; at least "Lisa's Rival"'s similar sugar subplot was funny. This episode is saved from a D or F with a few good gags (note that I said a FEW), a good (but not great) Lisa subplot, and well-placed social commentary on the push for kids and preteens to look and act "adult." I gave "Lisa's Rival" a B+; this one gets a (C-) Chris Courtois: "Lard of the Dance" was a pleasant diversion which kept the show in the upturn it showed in the last 3 weeks of Season 9. It was nice to see a story which treated Lisa like a second-grader with second-grade doubts and insecurities. It was also nice to see Mike Scully pull off a wacky-Homer-scheme subplot without resurrecting Asshole Homer. Even nicer to see the subplot and main plots dovetail together at the end. While some of the meta- and self-referential humor was too obvious and in-your-face, overall this was a pleasant, if slight episode. (B) Nathan DeHoff: Well, first of all, the lard subplot was not very original at all. It was pretty much a rehash of earlier money-making schemes, especially the sugar scheme in "Lisa's Rival." As for the main plot, it was a bit weak, but still enjoyable. There was nothing particularly special about Lisa Kudrow's character, but the Springfieldianites' reactions to Alex were done fairly well. In terms of characterization, Homer was back to being humorously illogical, Lisa was able to demonstrate several aspects of her character [...] and Milhouse and Nelson were in good form. Nelson's huckleberry/ass-kicking speech was particularly amusing. On the other hand, Marge was a bit over the top, and Skinner seemed more scatter-brained than usual. Still, these were not especially irritating, just weird. Not a particularly excellent episode, but I'd say it's worth a (B-) Anthony Dean: This was a nice break from the usual summer reruns. While I thought the lard plot was fairly lame, the Lisa plot was pretty on target, and enjoyable (Milhouse being one of the episode's highlights). About the only major complaint is the noticeably lackluster animation seen here; not a welcome sign for the upcoming season's batch of episodes. (B) Laura Drake: I liked the grease sub-plot for the first two acts, until the third act with Groundskeeper Willy. I thought that was just stupid. But for the first two acts I thought that Homer snuck some funny lines in. As for the main plot, I thought it was pretty unbelievable and just a little funny, save for the parts with Milhouse. And I didn't think that Lisa Kudrow did a very good guest voice. However, it picked up in the third act with Lisa's little speech. (B-) Andrew Gill: This has to be the most mediocre episode that I have ever seen. The Lisa (sub?) plot was good, but not great, but the Homer (main??? someone do a time check.) plot was bad. The "main" plot was silly, stupid, plodding and pointless -- until the third act, when it added grossly unrealistic and annoying to the list. The "sub" plot was a good expansion on Lisa's character. I remember trying to fit in in Junior High. (I was able to eventually make it to the fringe of the "out" group, but then we moved, and ...) Lisa's character was great, but Homer left much to be desired, and Bart was little more than a rag doll for Homer's operation. (C) Tony Hill: Sorry, Fox, but I think we have to regard this as the season premiere. A "back-to-school" ep in late August as part of season nine? This ep was a bit off balance. Did Bart really seem to be concerned he was missing too much school? And Skinner seemed nearly normal. The main plot was a tired retread of Homer starting a goofball business -- remember Farmer Homer's Sugar? And we're plagued once again with the "Lisa Problem." [More on this in "Comments" -- Ed.] I give it a (C+) Joe Klemm: The episode spent too much time on the Lisa plot line when the main plot concerns Homer and Bart going into the grease business. Other than the evil Acne Grease people, that plot line was clever. As for Lisa's, it's just another "Lisa's Rival." Hopefully, the season premiere ("The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace") will be better. (C) Haynes Lee: The Homer plot is a rehash of the sugar plot but the Lisa plot is more fresh. She is finally acting like an 8-year old again. (B) Jake Lennington: "LotD" was a good episode. Even though it seemed like a rehash of Lisa's Rival, it did have its moments. Homer was actually quite funny, but he wasn't as much of 'jerk-ass' as he usually is. Ralph's eye patch scene was hilarious (I had to wear one of those patches for two years, ugh!) Also, it was nice to see Sherri, Terri, and Allison as supporting characters, rather than just background material. (B) Andrew Levine: I came watching this episode expecting to see another lame plot involving Homer. I was surprised and delighted to find that the episode was really largely centered around Lisa. The plot seemed like "Lisa's Rival" to some, but that's really only externally, considering that episode was about Lisa having an intellectual equal as a classmate, and this was someone with a higher social stance than Lisa. I'm appalled that they totally recycled the Willie-in-the-ventilation-ducts Alien reference, but Bart being genuinely disappointed he was missing school was one of the funniest moments of the season! In the end, Lisa teaches everyone it's hip to be square. (B) Patrick McGovern: I am as anti-"Worst ep ever!!" as you can imagine, but this was close to the worst ("Bart gets an Elephant" ... but "Little Lost Lisa" is pretty much tied with it). The 1st act wasn't that funny, Lisa Kudrow did an OK job, but Bart & Homer ... bleeeechhh. The second act was bad. Watching Lisa trying to be "Cool" is always a chore, but all of the stuff surrounding it made it worse. The Bart & Homer subplot was also really bad. However, the 3rd act was just INSULTING. Although a clever reference that goes back 6 years (Milhouse's old girlfriend, Samantha, is with him AND uglier than ever!), the ending was disgusting, revolting and stomach-churning. I couldn't watch it again. (D-) Mark A. Richey: Neither the finale of season 9, nor the premiere of season 10 (let's call it the one and only episode of season 9.5), LOTD is a clever and amusing episode. The two plots of the show were both quite funny, even if the entire show was similar to [1F17] "Lisa's Rival" (the appearance of Alison reinforces that). Lisa Kudrow did a very good job as Alex, Milhouse's continued obsession with Lisa was amusing, and the grease racket was very funny (as was Marge's idea of emu farms and "Every Simpson dance now"). This episode made season 9.5 a winner. (B+) Tom Rinschler: For an episode that was obviously "Lisa's Rival" meets "Summer of 4' 2", the writers managed to pull something a bit different out of the mix. And for once, the subplot was well integrated into the main plot. However, although the plot and characterization were well done, it was a bit short on laughs; but there were enough of them not to sink the episode entirely. (B) Aaron Varhola: More good stuff from a first-time writer. Jane O'Brien handles Lisa with aplomb, bringing out her social insecurity in two ways: her feeling inferior to her friends, but also in bits of selfishness seen in 3F03, 3F11 and 5F15. Many of the jokes were funny, although the lard subplot was weak, even compared to 1F17. Lisa Kudrow did a good job as Alex; I've been very impressed with her non-"Friends" work recently. (B) Yours Truly: One could argue that this show is as recycled as Homer's grease, but "Lard of the Dance" for the most part is a new spin on old material. New girl Alex is more interesting than she first appears, being shallow and a bit vain, but without the usual sense of pettiness and nastiness. Lisa, the innocent babe to Alex's worldly party girl, is also written well. There are some minor problems with pacing, but this is a good start from rookie writer Jane O'Brien. (B) AVERAGE GRADE: B- (2.67) Std Dev.: 0.6554 (33 reviews computed) ============================================================================== > Comments and other observations ============================================================================== >> Musical references Tony Hill: Willie hummed "Loch Lomond" while he cleaned up. E. J. Smith: The song is playing in the Gymnasium during the school dance is "I Can Love You Like That" by All-4-One. >> Meta-reference corner Benjamin Robinson: There are two meta-references to the fact that "Friends" star Lisa Kudrow plays Alex the New Girl. First, she mentions that has always liked the name, "Lisa." Secondly, she tells Lisa not to be "such a Phoebe" (meaning "don't be such an airhead"). Kudrow plays ditsy Phoebe Buffay on "Friends." >> Maybe we can call it a "summer" season episode John Jacobs wonders: I thought this was a season 10 episode, but now FOX is saying the season premier is tomorrow [September 20, 1998]. Is Lard of the dance a season 9 or a season 10 episode? Eric Endres sez: There is no doubt about it. Lard belongs to season Nen. Jake Lennington writes: No, its a Tine episode. Ben Collins rides this train of thought to its natural destination: Interesting theory. So "Blood Feud" (July 1991) ran in Season Twee, and "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes" (August 1992) came out in Season Throur. Too bad there was no Fourve, Fix, Sixven, Seveight, or Egnine. Even if there's no 11, we may want to see a Televen, or even an Elelve. Brad Bizzolt: I'd like to see an Eleventeen myself. Oh, you wanted a serious answer. Okay, Nicolas Di Candia has your serious answer right here: It was produced for season 9, as shows in its 5F20 p- code. It was then held over for season 10 (just like The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace, Bart the Mother and When You Wish Upon a Star). But it was shown as a "summer original" before season 10 started (but after season 9 ended). "The Simpsons Forever" lists it under season 10. SNPP.com and www.fox.com/thesimpsons list it under season 9. [We've since moved it "officially" to season 10 -- Ed.] I prefer to refer to it as season 9 because it is consistent to "Blood Feud" and "Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?" being in seasons 2 and 3 (both were shown as summer originals like Lard of the Dance). Brad Dancer opines: I'm going with FOX's averages and Nielsen's averages -- in the end, those are the only ones that matter. We can argue about it all we want -- no one said it was a season finale, simply a summer special not part of the 98-99 season and not exactly part of the 97-98 season either. [I, personally, think of it as the lone season 9.5 episode -- Ed.] >> Who died and made you lord? Mark A. Richey: Lord of the Dance -- That would be Michael Flatley. He used to headline the supremely popular "Riverdance" Irish dancing tour, until his ego swelled too large for the show's producers. He left and formed his own troupe, which he immodestly called "Lord of the Dance", with himself in the title role. He recently stopped performing, but still runs the show behind the scenes. >> Mmm, mmm, grease Lee Johnson: "Lard of the Dance" contained a quick reference to grease being an ingredient used in the making of baby food, presumably as a cynical barb aimed at industries who cut corners at the unwitting consumer's expense. This brought to mind a similar joke in a past episode, when Bart discovers that his bones have grown brittle thanks to the school cafeteria having switched from real milk to "Malk," a vitamin-deficient substitute. Both of these little references -- especially if taken together -- suggest (at least in my mind) a conscious awareness on the part of the writers/producers about such practices, the most famous of which was Nestle Corporation's unscrupulous distribution and aggressive marketing of baby milk substitutes (which are nutritionally insufficient if used by themselves and which are often unsanitary in the making) in a number of 'Third World' countries -- a practice which many say resulted in mass malnutrition and death. Nestle is the parent corporation of the Butterfinger company, whose candy bars Bart and Homer happily plug in a series of commercials. So ... what, I wonder, was the attitude on the part of the writers who included these details? A quasi-conscious expression of guilt? A satirical jab at their own sponsor? Or just a coincidence? >> "Pretension" for kids Mark A. Richey: Not a real perfume, but it does refer to the way the famous fashion designer/perfumer tends to give his perfumes rather pretentious one word names, and advertise them with bizarre, nonsensical commercials. >> "Don't be such a Phoebe" Mark A. Richey writes: "Friends" -- Lisa Kudrow, who played Alex, costars on this popular sitcom about twenty-somethings in New York. She plays Phoebe, the scatterbrained masseuse/folk singer, who tends not to get the big picture much of the time (which explains Alex's "Phoebe" putdown). >> It's new Achievable Chest Barbie! Benjamin Robinson explains Lisa's choice in dolls: For years, little girls across America have played with Barbie dolls, hoping one day to grow up looking like her. They're not likely to get their wish, since Barbie has physical proportions no earthly woman could match. For example, Barbie has a 36" chest, and a 16" waist. Some of this has a practical reason behind it; the doll's limbs must be skinnier than normal so clothing (which can't be proportionally shrunk) will fit correctly. But for the most part Barbie's looks are dictated by the prevailing winds of fashion. This hasn't sat too well with social scientists, who worry that girls who don't fit the Barbie mold will grow up thinking that they are inferior and ugly. In response to this trend, Mattel has gradually fattened Barbie up so that she now looks more like a genetically engineered supermodel, instead of something unrealistic. A few niche toymakers have gone even further, producing dolls that look as close to real (albeit attractive) women as production methods allow. Joe Klemm adds: So far, I haven't seen any sign of the new look as of yet. >> Another rule of the schoolyard Benjamin Robinson: I thought it was interesting that Sherri and Terri would hang out with Lisa, Allison, and Janey. When I went to school, there was an invisible line separating the grades. You made friends with the kids in your grade but not the grade below (too babyish) or the grade above (who thought -you- were too babyish). Perhaps Lisa, Sherri, and Terri forged a cross-grade friendship while waiting for Moe to rescue them in "Das Bus (5F11)." >> But all the other kids get to watch! Andrew Gill: "The McLaughlin Group" is a political commentary aired on PBS. Unlike most PBS shows, however, it is highly partisan and holds no allegiance to truth, liberal or conservative. John McLaughlin hosts the show, which poses such even handed questions as "QUESTION: Why don't the American People believe that President Clinton is a big fat weenie? (OK, I don't remember any questions off hand)". Typically, "debate" is superficial and has nothing to do with the conclusion. I think that I know why Lisa (at least, I know why I do when I catch it) watches it: to laugh. On a side note, I've always felt that the fat bald commentator looks a bit like Homer. >> Yes, there is something worse than airline food. Mark Richey writes: In late 1846, a group of settlers, the Donner Party, trying to reach California were trapped at the base of the Sierra Nevada Mountains by the onset of winter. Unfortunately for them, the winter of 1846-47 proved to be one of the harshest in history. They quickly extinguished their provision supply, and as starvation set in, many of them died. The remaining party members began to eat the dead (yes, it's gross). There have been accusations that some members didn't wait for nature to take it's course at all times. At any rate, it's not one of the more jolly moments in American history. Solon Boomer-Jenks proudly notes: Yes, they got snowed in at Truckee Lake in the Sierra Nevadas, but the reason they were there in the winter was because of slow moving, and taking wrong routs through Utah. It's a proud part of Utah history. Chris Courtois adds: There's a State Park marking the winter campsite just off of Interstate 80 as you pass Truckee. >> Maybe he would have been better off on Marge's emu farm Andrew Gill points out: Emu farming is really hot right now. ["Right now" being January 25, 1999 -- Ed.] Yahoo! has an entire section devoted to it: Emu/Ostrich meat is being sold as ``the other red meat,'' since it's much leaner than beef, and each emu has much more meat than any other fowl. Jeff Dean: I had the pleasure of trying some ostrich meat last summer at a Very Fancy Restaurant. It was quite good, but the price was outrageous. I believe six domino-sized pieces cost $25, though it did come garnished with some colorful flowers. >> Oh, grow up, already Aaron Varhola: Lisa [...] wants to grow up on her own terms. Note that in "Summer of 4'2", Lisa only briefly took on a new persona; only her cool clothes remained soon after she met her new friends, who accepted her for who she was. In this episode, Lisa felt rushed to conform to Alex and the other "Fashion Club" (to make a Daria reference) members, and the result was uncharacteristic behavior, such as her threatening to give Milhouse a tonguectomy for not going with her to the dance. Lisa quickly realizes what's happening to her, though, and Alex doesn't realize that the kids are going to do what kids everywhere do at dances ... line up with boys on one side of the gym and girls on the other, not dancing. :) (I'm surprised that Alex didn't know that Lisa's on the cutting edge of trends such as girls taking up the saxophone, or fashion - Lisa was the cover girl for "The Good Girl Look", the spring fashion preview in the February 27, 1996 issue of New York magazine). >> Cartoon physics strike again According to John Wellington: Since the grease was being sucked to its destination outside the school, rather than being pumped from its source in the kitchen, the bursting hose should not have occurred. When Willie was strangling Homer, the worst that should have happened was the hose would collapse between the vacuum and Homer's throat. If Bart and Homer had dragged a pump to the kitchen to send the grease out, then the hose would have indeed burst between that pump and Homer's throat. Andrew Krupowski theorized: The only way for that error to not be a mistake if you tried to argue that the hose wasn't completely blocked off while Willie strangled Homer. Of course, then you'd require that the grease be unable to get through the smaller gap. With the "pieces of bacon" still in it, that's actually plausible ... hmm ... >> The problem with Lisa According to Tony Hill: This is the main problem in dealing with "The Simpsons." Lisa is simply too precocious to be a second grader. So are her friends. The show would be much more credible if she were Bart's older sister. The personalities of the two are more compatible with this. If Lisa were a sixth grader, she would still be precocious, but not as unbelievably so as she is now. The principal asking a second grader to take charge of and then supervise the school dance? HELLO! Eric Sansoni argues: Never once has it bothered me that Lisa (or Bart, or the other kids) act older than their ages. It's a cartoon. The characters can behave like true originals. They don't have to be limited to what is realistic for their real-life counterparts. It is usually more entertaining to see child characters act older than their age than to see them behave immaturely. So many comic strips or cartoons from the past focus on precocious children (such as Peanuts, particularly Linus, a good counterpart for Lisa). There's something artistic and intrinsically interesting about hearing wise words come from the mouths of babes. Perhaps there's something profound about innocence paired with wisdom. I also admire the flexibility with which Simpsons allows itself to treat its child characters. They can make a whole range of conflicts and behavior from that of childhood to young adult work for these characters. The school and the children are more general symbols than specific slices from a certain year and age. I don't consider this a "problem" at all. I praise and admire Simpsons for this particular creative choice. >> Miscellaneous, Etc. The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is: Grease Don Del Grande: Are Sherri and Terri's voices slightly different? It seems to me that there's now a way to tell them apart. Tom Rinschler: This is Allison Taylor's first major role since "Lisa's Rival." ============================================================================== > Quotes and Scene Summary {jo} ============================================================================== % Act one. Homer and Lisa are back-to-school shopping at the Try-N- % Save. Lisa is impressed by the wide array of writing paper in % stock, but Homer thinks she should just write things on her arm, % like he does. Homer checks the underside of his right forearm. % "Red = Meltdown" has been inscribed there, in red ink. Meanwhile, % in another aisle, Bart casually pulls a few items off the rack and % tosses them into his mother's shopping cart. Rubber bands, paper % clips, and some staplers to shoot at nerds -- you know, the % essentials. After tossing the staplers into the cart, Marge growls. % Elsewhere, Lisa explores the store alone. She finds a "Krusty's % Speak And Say" and pulls the string. [from toy] "S" is for "shiksa"! S-H-I ... uh, I think there's a "T" in there somewhere ... ah, look it up! -- Krusty the Klown, "Lard of the Dance" % Milhouse, wandering by, sees Lisa alone. He gives himself a pep % talk ("Stay cool, Milly ..."), and grabs a glue stick off the wall. % He greases his hair back and wears his glasses on his head. Walking % in Lisa's general direction, he blindly steps into a display case, % knocking it over. She turns around. Milhouse: Oh, hi, Lisa! Did you have a nice summer? Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow? Lisa: I like school. Milhouse: Me too! We have so much in common. Lisa: You have a pen glued to your cowlick. Milhouse: If you don't like it, it's gone! [attempting to pull it out, he rips out a clump of blue hair and awkwardly offers it to Lisa] Do you want this? Lisa: [disgustedly] No. -- Like the unfinished symphony ... unrequited love, "Lard of the Dance" % At the Kwik-E-Mart, Homer and Apu find themselves in the usual % situation. Homer: Yo, Apu! Give me the usual. Apu: Yes, sir! One Kwik-E-Dog, one bubblegum cigar, and the latest issue of "Success" magazine. Homer: Mmm ... Hey, this hot dog tastes different. Apu: Yes, I just cleaned off the machine, sir. So the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease. Homer: Yeah, but without the grease all you can taste is the hog anus! Apu: I'm so sorry, but I sold it all to the rendering plant. Homer: People buy grease? Apu: Oh, yes, they use it to make products such as soap, cosmetics, baby food ... Homer: Used grease is worth money? [gasps] Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold! I'm rich Apu! Rich, I ... aaggh! [clenches heart, then sighs] Money in the bank. -- Or grease in the heart, whatever, "Lard of the Dance" % In the kitchen, Bart watches as Homer fries up bacon on the stove, % which he cooks and then promptly throws to the dog, pouring the % extra grease into a coffee can. Santa's Little Helper, however, % lies bloated on the floor, having eaten half his body weight in hog % flesh. Marge comes in. Marge: Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight! Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence. Marge: With cans of grease? Homer: [sarcastically] No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease. Lisa: Come on, Bart, the bus is here. [grabs Bart] Homer: Where do you think you're going? Bart: It's the first day of school! Homer: Not for you it isn't. You're in the grease business now! -- "Lard of the Dance" % In Lisa's class, Ms. Hoover listens disinterestedly to Ralph, who % has a bandage over each eye, giving his "What I Did On My Summer % Vacation" speech. Apparently the highlight of his break was the % doctor informing that *both* his eyes were lazy. Ms. Hoover tells % him to take his seat. Ralph walks out the classroom door. Outside, % Nelson shouts, "Hey Blindy! Have a nice trip!", and laughs his % trademark laugh following the 'thud'. % % Then, over the intercom, Principal Skinner makes an announcement. Skinner: Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. [Lisa raises her hand] Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa. -- "Lard of the Dance" % In his office, Skinner briefs Lisa on her mission. Skinner: We have a new student, Lisa, and I want you to show her the works. The lunchroom, the tree ... but when you get to the trophy case, give her some cock-and- bull story, they're out for cleaning, or whatever. Lisa: Don't worry, I'll help her out. I remember how hard it was to be an outsider. Always trying to fit in, never quite feeling like ... Skinner: Lisa, I'd like you to meet Alex Whitney. [into the office walks rather fashion-conscious eight-year-old blonde] Alex: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name! Lisa: Did she just tell me to shut up? Skinner: Take it outside. -- This is looking more thankless than anticipated, "Lard of the Dance" % In the hallway, Lisa gets Alex acquainted with some quick pointers. Lisa: You'll want a locker in this hallway. It's library adjacent. [sees Alex spraying herself] Is that perfume? Alex: Oh, don't be such a Phoebe! It's "Pretension" by Calvin Klein. Wanna try some? [Lisa gets a faceful and chokes it off, shaking her head] Alex: Okay, so what's the haps in Springfield? What do you guys, like, do for fun? Lisa: Well, you'll definitely want to get yourself a good doll. The new Malibu Stacey has an achievable chest! Alex: Dolls, really? Okay, what else you got? Lisa: Oh, jacks, jacks are big. They went out for a while but then they came roaring back, heh, heh. Alex: Oh, you mean that game with the little rubber ball? Lisa: Oh, don't worry, you'll pick it up fast. Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone! Alex: Uh-huh. Isn't that trophy case supposed to have trophies? Lisa: Uh, they were all wiped out in the big trophy fire. Skinner: [passing by] Ah, I see the trophies are still out for cleaning. Eh, Lisa? [Lisa giggles nervously] -- "Lard of the Dance" % Meanwhile, over at the Grease Recycling Plant, Homer and Bart bring % their cans to an employee, who weighs them. Homer: Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off. Employee: Four pounds of grease ... that comes to ... sixty- three cents. Homer: Woo-hoo! Bart: Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars. Homer: Yeah, but your mom paid for that! Bart: But doesn't she get her money from you? Homer: And I get my money from grease! What's the problem? [an "Acne Grease Co." truck passes by Homer and Bart, and Homer looks on admiringly] Wow! Look at that load of grease. Boy, if we're ever going to earn paper money, we have to expand our operation. Bart: Uh, I don't know how much more school I can miss. Homer: Oh, you'll miss plenty! I have a feeling this business is going to consume our whole lives. -- You only live for grease once, "Lard of the Dance" % At the Springfield Elementary Lunchroom, Lisa calls Alex to join % herself, Sherri, Terri, Allison Taylor, and Janey for lunch. Lisa: Okay if the new girl sits with us? [sotto voce] She's a little weird, but let's give her a chance. [regular] Guys, this is Alex. [the girls at the table give her muffled greetings] Alex: [noticing Sherri and Terri] Ooh, twins! Which one is the evil one? [laughs] Lisa: [laughs, nervously] Okay! I'll go get our lunches. Allison: So, Alex ... [a cellular phone rings] Alex: Just a sec. [into phone] Hello? [the girls all gasp] Alex: Oh, yeah, like I'd be seen with a Discover card. [hangs up] Sherri: You have a cell phone? Terri: And a purse? -- "Lard of the Dance" % From the lunch counter, Lisa mock-coaches Alex. Lisa: That's it, don't be shy. Now maybe a little joke to break the ice. [sees the girls break into loud laughter] Or a big joke. [watches Alex stand up and show off her outfit] Careful now, nobody likes a showoff. [sees the girls walk out of the cafeteria quickly] Where are they going? Hey, wait up! [Lisa quickly pays the cashier and carries the two trays a few steps before coming to a realization] They left without me. Milhouse: Oh, Lisa! I've got an extra seat, and you've got an extra lunch. Heh, catch my drift, heh? Skinner: Milhouse, lower those eyebrows! [he lowers one] And the other one! [Milhouse complies] -- "Lard of the Dance" % Lisa, left alone, stares forlornly into the hallway. % % [End of Act One. Time: 6:49] % % Act two. The Simpson family, eating dinner, listen to Lisa as she % tells them about her experiences with Alex that day. Lisa: So there I am, being nice to Alex, and she takes all of my friends and ditches me! Marge: I'm sure they didn't ditch you, honey. Maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you. Bart: [laughs loudly] Yeah! Good one, Mom! Lisa: They only like her because she acts so grown-up with her perfume, and her cell phone, and ... oh, and get this, Mom. She drinks iced tea! Homer: Lisa ... I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you. But apparently this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way. Lisa: But, Dad! Homer: Ah, ah! Think! Is that what Alex would say? -- "Lard of the Dance" % At school, Lisa pops open her locker (covered on the inside door by % Happy Little Elf, dolphin, and rainbow stickers) and puts in her Elf % lunchbox. Alex and all of Lisa's old friends stop by. Alex: Oh there you are! Listen, I'm sorry I ran out on you yesterday, but the girls couldn't wait to show me that tree. Lisa: [deflatedly] Huh, don't give it a second thought, huh, I didn't. Alex: Anyway, I got you a little present. [hands Lisa some earrings] Lisa: Oh! Earrings! Wow, thanks so much, Alex! Oh, but these are for pierced ears. Terri: Yeah! Aren't they great? Sherri: Alex did ours. Alex: Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a whole lot of paper towels. Lisa: Aw, but ... I don't think I'm ready for pierced ears. Alex: Well, maybe you can put them on your doll. [the girls all laugh] Just kidding, Lis'. I'm sure you'll be ready someday. [pats Lisa's head] [Skinner walks up to the girls] Skinner: Oh, Lisa, I was hoping I could count on you again to spearhead our annual school-wide apple pick. Lisa: Absolutely. Alex: Apple ... pick? Lisa: Yeah, it's great! We have pony rides, sing-alongs, apple bobbing, apple picking, apple everything! Skinner: Ah, you forgot apple bobbing. Lisa: No, I didn't. -- Running the gamut of apple-related activities, "Lard of the Dance" % Alex explains that her old school was more into activities like % dances. The girls (well, not Lisa) immediately take to the idea of % a school dance and begin to chatter happily, hoping Seymour will % agree. Initially, Lisa is opposed to the idea, especially since % there won't be any ponies at the dance. Then looks at her four % "friends", who all stare anxiously, their hands clenched in hope. % Later, Lisa slaps a "School Dance Friday" poster onto a set of % doors. Skinner notices the poster. Skinner: School dance? I didn't approve of any school dance! Lisa: Yes you did, yesterday! Right by my locker! Skinner: Oh, yes. Yes. Um, carry on. -- "Lard of the Dance" % Homer drives his "Simpson & Son Grease Co." car past the elementary % school, where he stares at his former schoolmates playing. He pulls % into the local Krusty Burger. Bart: When you want grease, go to the source. Good old Krusty Burger. Homer: Oh, I'll say. Look at that red-headed kid. There must be twenty dollars worth of grease on his forehead alone. Bart: I was thinking more of the deep-fryer. Homer: All right, we'll try it your way. [the pair stroll behind the counter and find some pimple-faced kid frying a basket of fries] Pimple-Faced Teen: Can I help you, sir? Homer: [staring directly into his face] My God, you're greasy. Pimple-Faced Teen: Mr. Marouka? Help! -- "Lard of the Dance" % Behind the restaurant, Homer shovels grease out of a metal grease- % storage bucket into the back of the station wagon. Bart: Mom's gonna kill you. Homer: If she didn't want her car ruined, she should've done a better job hiding her keys. -- "Lard of the Dance" % Suddenly a slurping noise can be heard, and the grease begins to % vanish before Homer's eyes, out through a hose and into a grease % truck. Homer confronts the drivers, two tough-looking men in orange % suits. Homer: Hey! Hey! You're taking our grease! Man #1: It's our grease now. [he takes Homer's shovel and hits him over the head with it] Homer: Daahhh!! Man #2: We run the grease racket in this town. [they start to leave] Homer: Hey, that's my shovel! Man #1: We also run the shovel racket. [the two men drive away in their truck labeled "Acne Grease and Shovel"] -- "Lard of the Dance" % Down at the Springfield Mall, Lisa, holding a clipboard, leads Alex, % the twins, Janey, and Allison toward a party supplies store. The % girls quickly detour to a nearby Dingo Junction. Lisa's friends % rush into the nearby fashion store. Sherri, Terri, and Allison rush % to try on some of the latest designs for the hippest of the pre- % teens, but Lisa emerges from the changing room with her dress, a % short black number just a bit on the revealing side, still on its % hanger. Lisa: I am not wearing this. Alex: Oh, come on, Lisa. It's totally you. Just, you know, add some accessories, lip gloss, maybe drop five pounds ... Lisa: Aren't we a little young for make-up, and ... what do you mean, five pounds? Janey: Well you want to look nice for your date. Lisa: Date? Alex: Hello. For the dance. Eh. Lisa: You guys have dates? Sherri: Hello. Lisa: Stop saying "hello"! Alex: Okay, calm down, Lisa. DMY. Lisa: What's DMY? Alex: Don't Mess Yourself. Lisa: Eww. Alex: Yeah, that's why we changed it to DMY. Allison: Don't worry, Lisa. There's still plenty of time. You'll get a date. Lisa: I don't want a date! And I don't want to wear perfume and cocktail dresses. Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch The McLaughlin Group? Hello? [the other girls walk away, leaving Lisa holding her dress, alone] [quietly] Hello? -- Hello? "Lard of the Dance" % At the Simpson home, Marge and Homer sit on the couch. Homer: Oh, I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business. I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done. Including my muscle-for-hire business. Marge: My poor Homey. Couldn't you try some other far-out money- making scheme? Homer: Aww, what's the point? Marge: You could raise some emus ... Homer: Emus? Really? Ooh, that's pretty crazy. Nah, I'd only fail, just like I fail at everything. Bart: Hey Dad, I've been thinking. What if instead of giving up on grease, we go for one last big score? Homer: Wait a minute. The boy's right! I can't quit now! Aww ... you always know just what to say to cheer me up. Emu farm? [laughs] You're priceless, Marge! [Homer and Bart leave the room, and Marge grumbles to herself] -- "Lard of the Dance" % Elsewhere, at Springfield Elementary, Nelson gives a rather strange % lecture to Wendell, Ralph, Lewis, and Database. Nelson: The thing about huckleberries is, once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned. [Principal Skinner walks up] Nuh, um ... uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy's ass. [Skinner nods and leaves] Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner's sugar. -- "Lard of the Dance" % The group murmurs in agreement, but are interrupted by Lisa's voice, % greeting them with "Hey, guys." They turn their heads to see Lisa, % wearing the black dress she had rejected before ... as well as % lipstick, earrings, and platform shoes. She walks toward them, % slightly off-balance, an uneasy smile on her face. Wendell: Hi, Lisa. Nelson: Are you all right? Lisa: No doubt! Can't a girl fabulize herself before the big dance? Nelson: You're earlobe's bleeding. Lisa: Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh? Wendell: You better believe it. Lisa: Really? All of you? Database: Uh, we all have dates, Lisa. Lewis: Everyone does. Ralph: Even me! Lisa: Unbelievable. -- "Lard of the Dance" % Lisa, shocked, takes a little spill in her platform shoes, falling % over backwards. Later, in the nurses' office, Milhouse is about to % undergo his usual wedgie-removal treatment. As the nurse goes to % get her forceps, Lisa rushes inside, panting. Lisa: Milhouse, oh, I've been looking all over for you. Heh, heh, listen, you've always had a crush on me, right? Well, this is your lucky day, 'cause you're gonna take me to the dance, pretty great, huh? See ya! Milhouse: Oh, but I can't! I've already asked somebody. Lisa: [growing frustration] So un-ask her. Milhouse: But that wouldn't ... Lisa: [grabbing Milhouse's shirt] You're taking me, you got that? And it's gonna be a magical evening! [at that moment, Lisa sees the sweat pouring off Milhouse's face, and, in Milhouse's glasses, sees the reflection of her own "glamorous" facade, realizing what she's become] Oh! What am I doing? This isn't me! I'm sorry, Milhouse. [runs off] Milhouse: I'm free next weekend! There's plenty of Milhouse to go around! -- "Lard of the Dance" % [End of Act Two. Time: 14:04] % % Act three. At the Simpson home, Homer heats up his car, to which is % attached six oil drums. Pulling into the driveway, he stops. Homer: All right, son. We're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Dear Lord, I know You're busy, seeing as how You can watch women changing clothes and all that. But if You help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity. Bart: Dad, He's not stupid. Homer: All right, screw it, let's roll! [the car squeals onto the road, where all six drums fall off the car and roll down the street] Hmm ... I knew I should've attached those somehow. -- "Lard of the Dance" % Lisa sits in her room, looking through a microscope. She's envious % of the paramecia she's looking at, since they have no dating or % dancing pressures. Suddenly, the paramecia begin pairing up with % each other, encircling each other in what appears to be a dance. % Lisa groans, and her mother enters. Marge: Lisa! I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance! It's a little thick, but the price is right! Lisa: Thanks, Mom, but I told you I'm not going. Marge: Oooh, so you don't have a date. You can still go and have a wonderful time. Lisa: You don't understand, I don't belong there. The other girls are already into fashion and make-up and dating ... they make me feel like a little baby. Marge: [hugs Lisa] Aw, honey, a baby couldn't have organized a big school dance. Unless, it was especially skilled ... or one of those super-babies from Brazil. Lisa: Forget it Mom, I'm not going. Marge: But they're counting on you to take tickets. And if you sit there with a brave little smile and a festive bow ... why you could be the belle of the ball! Lisa: Mom, you can't possibly believe that. Marge: I have to, honey. Or, you can stay here, and we'll have our own dance. [to C&C 'Music' Factory] Every Simpson dance now! Bump, bump, bump ... Lisa: I'll go. -- "Lard of the Dance" % Homer and Bart, meanwhile, drive their greasemobile as planned. The % two pull up to Springfield Elementary where, according to Bart, the % kitchen grease traps have never been emptied. The boys begin their % covert operations. Bart flips the switch, turning the hose suction % on. Homer, hose in hand, looks curiously inside, wondering where % the suction is, and gets his face sucked inside. Freeing himself % from its grip, his appearance startles Bart, as one of his eyeballs % is bulging from his skull. % % Inside the school, Lisa (with a festive bow in her hair) sits at a % table just outside the gymnasium, stamping hands with a star and % generally doing her best Laura Silverman impression. Milhouse and % his date (a rather tall girl with dental headgear) walk up to Lisa's % table. Milhouse: Wow, Lisa. I really admire your guts. You came here all by yourself at the risk of being labeled a dateless wonder. [gets his hand stamped by Lisa rather hard] Ow! Lisa: [excessively pleasant] It slipped. -- Hitting raw nerves, "Lard of the Dance" % The two walk inside the gym, and Lisa, at the table, takes the bow % off her head and tosses it into the trash. "Oh, it's going to be a % long night," she laments. % % Meanwhile, in the school cafeteria, Homer and Bart sneak about. % Bart asks where the hose is. "Bringing up the rear," Homer answers. % He has the hose attached to his backside, which he wags excitedly. % Opening the range, he plants the hose into a sea of grease % underneath. Homer: And now, we wait. So ... is this your school? Bart: Well, it used to be. -- "Lard of the Dance" % At that moment, Willie enters. At the kitchen sink, he begins to % whistle while scrubbing under his armpits with a Brillo pad and Ajax % soap. The Simpson men attempt to sneak away, but Willie notices % them. Willie: Eek! I mean, ach! I mean ... what are you doin' here? Homer: Uh, buh, buh, we're new foreign exchange students from ... uh, um ... Scotland! Willie: Saints be praised, I'm from Scotland! Where do ya hail from? Homer: Uh ... North ... Kilttown. Willie: No foolin'! I'm from North Kilttown! Do you know Angus McCloud? Homer: Wait a minute! There's no Angus McCloud in North Kilttown! Why, you're not from Scotland at all! Willie: Ach, don't be daft. I was born and rai ... [notices the hose] Hey, what the? [gasps] My retirement grease! No! You thievin' grease bandits! I'll kill ya! [Homer and Bart make their escape through the ventilation ducts] Wait up! -- "Lard of the Dance" % Willie, enraged, chases after them, and manages to grab Homer's leg % while inside. Not so fast boy-o! Well, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. But the lads have a temper, and they've been drinkin' all day! [curls his fingers into a fist] -- Groundskeeper Willie, "Lard of the Dance" % Willie begins punching Homer with his "lads". Homer begs him to % stop, so instead Willie begins to strangle him with the grease hose, % at which Homer's loose eye bulges out of his skull again. Back % inside the school, Skinner emerges from the gym and talks with Lisa. Skinner: Lisa! I have to run home. I need you to keep an eye on the dance. Lisa: Oh, I don't want to go in there, with all the happy dancing couples ... Skinner: Normally I wouldn't ask, but, uh, it's an emergency. Mother has a junebug cornered in the basement and she needs me to finish it off. Come on, chop, chop. Lisa: All right, all right, DMY! Skinner: I know what that means, young lady! -- "Lard of the Dance" % Sighing, Lisa pushes open the door and looks inside. Strangely, she % sees all the boys on one side, looking just as awkward as the girls, % who stand together on the opposite side of the gym. Alex comes up % to her. Alex: Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay, this dance has gone Titanic! Lisa: What happened? Alex: Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other. They're acting like a bunch of ... Lisa: Kids? Alex: I know! What is up with that? Lisa: It's because they are kids! And so are we! Come on, Alex, we've only got nine, maybe ten years tops where we can giggle in church, and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing! We'll never have that freedom again. Alex: Mmm. Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card, so [blows raspberry] on you. -- The model of maturity, "Lard of the Dance" % Alex walks off. At that very moment, Willie continues to wrestle % with Homer in the ventilation system. Bart stands nearby, pointing % out that the hose Willie is using to strangle Homer with has built % up an enormous amount of grease behind them. The hose swells, then % explodes in a fountain of grease, shooting the three through the % vents. % % In the gymnasium, the children look up to see tiny flakes falling % from one of the vents; it's grease, being cut into pieces by the fan % blades. Martin: Look! It's snowing! Ralph: [catching a flake of grease on his tounge] This snowflake tastes like fish sticks! -- "Lard of the Dance" % The children enjoy the distraction, until screams are heard echoing % from places unknown. It's Willie, Bart, and Homer, who each crash % into the gym in a sea of grease, pouring out of three separate air % ducts onto the floor. Milhouse picks up some and tastes it, while % Nelson starts having fun throwing it around. Milhouse: It's like a hamburger milkshake! Nelson: Here comes a greaseball! Luigi: [walking in] Hey! Luigi bring-a you kids-a free pizza! Why do you hafta make-a the fun, huh? -- "Lard of the Dance" % As kids begin throwing it around, making greasemen out of it, and % having all sorts of disgusting fun, Homer runs about, trying to take % it all back and keep it in his pockets. Alex finds the whole % situation disgusting. Alex: You're playing in grease? Yargh! Lisa: Oh, act your age. [pelts her with a greaseball, laughs] -- "Lard of the Dance" % Alex stares in disgust for a moment, but then declares, "You are so % dead," and laughs, chasing Lisa with a ball of grease. Lisa then % hits Alex in the face with another greaseball, prompting her to % complain, over the credits, that "There was bacon in that!" It was % a magical evening. % % [End of Act Three. Time: 21:20] ============================================================================== > Contributors ============================================================================== {ad} Anthony Dean {al} Andrew Levine {bjr} Benjamin Robinson {brk} Brian Rawson-Ketchum {ddg} Don Del Grande {dj} Darrel Jones {hl} Haynes Lee {ja} Johnathan Allen {je} Jordan Eisenberg {jg} Jeremy Gallen {jk} Joe Klemm {jo} John Ogan {js} Joge Simean {jw} John Wellington {mar} Mark Richey {ms} Matt Sommer {pc} Paul Caniff {rb} Rich Bunnell {th} Tony Hill ============================================================================== > Legal Mumbo Jumbo ============================================================================== This episode capsule is Copyright 2002 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current maintainer (capsules@snpp.com). All quoted material and episode summaries remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 1998 John Ogan. This capsule has been brought to you by Acne Grease and Shovel Co. This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie, Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are today.