Realty Bites                                            Written by Dan Greaney
                                                     Directed by Swinton Scott
==============================================================================
Production code: 5F06                      Original Airdate on FOX: 7-Dec-1997
Capsule revision A (1-Jun-2000)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   None submitted.

   [If you use these summarise to determine if you have found the right
   capsule, here's a TV Guide-like synopsis: When Marge becomes a real estate
   agent, she unwittingly sells a house with a murderous past to Ned Flanders.
   Meanwhile, Homer buys Snake's car from a police seized-property auction,
   and Snake is determined to get it back -- by any means necessary. --hmw]

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     THE WAS NO ROMAN / GOD NAMED "FARTACUS"

Couch:          OFF are seared. A human hand reaches down and spins the image
                around, splashing the paint causing a messy radial blur of
                colors.

==============================================================================
> Didja Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... this is Swinton Scott's first directorial work on the Simpsons since
       3F17 "Bart on the Road"?
   ... Homer spills his beer?
   ... this is the second auction of the season?
   ... Snake's prison number is 7F20, and Johnny D's is 5F06? (see "comments")
   ... Snake's car, L'il Bandit, has a picture of a Snake on the side?
   ... Marge leaves the auction without the basket she arrived with?
   ... Lisa eats the same as everyone else at dinner?
   ... despite Bart's disgust of Lisa's song to help herself remember things,
       he seems to be enjoying Marge's?  Sibling rivavlry indeed.
   ... Snake's prison number remains the same for the entire episode?
       Nice attention to detail.
   ... Homer has no use for his old car anymore?  L'il Bandit is the only
       vehicle parked in the driveway.
   ... the great camera work as Marge enters the murder house, only to find
       the Flanders "butchered"?  (reminded me of some camera work on the
       Playstation game, "Silent Hill," but that being an intended reference
       is doubtfull.)

Jordan Eisenberg:
   ... Lionel Hutz' hair is red? [Shameless self promotion for "Red Blazer
       Realty"? --hmw]
   ... this episode had a similar plot to the "King of the Hill" episode that
       aired right after it?
   ... nobody is trying to sell the mansion right across from OFF's house?

Don Del Grande:
   ... Marge was wearing white pearls to the auction?
   ... when Lisa is pretending to be a house buyer, she's wearing large shoes,
       large gloves, and Marge's purse, but her hat fits?
   ... Luann, Helen, Captain McAllister, and Mr. Prince were taking the real
       estate exam?  (Doesn't Mr. Prince have a job already?)
   ... the first dinner scene is at the dining room table, but the second
       is at the kitchen table?
   ... that sure looks like meat on Lisa's plate at the first dinner?
   ... you can see the "glass pane streaks" on the picture of Maggie?
   ... there's an "honor system" at the prison, yet they still have
       concertina wire on top of the fence?
   ... when Kirk's arm was sliced off, there wasn't any blood?
   ... apparently, having an arm bone sliced in two isn't a permanent
       condition?  (Somebody must have had a lot of practice reattaching
       arms removed from vending machines...)
   ... in the commercial at the end of the show,  Matt is coming out of the
       Western Pacific "Simpsons" plane?

Tony Hill:
   ... Homer goes to work barefoot and in pajamas?
   ... Springfield police accept drugs as payment?
   ... Marge singing "Swanee River" at the test?

Ryan Irvine:
   ... Homer keeps a tie with him on the couch?
   ... Homer can balance a bowl of popcorn on his stomach?
   ... Homer is lying around in his pyjamas instead of just his underwear?
   ... Homer apparently started the car without shifting, or putting it in
       drive?
   ... Lionel Hutz had five dogs with him?
   ... Cookie Kwan has a gold tooth?
   ... The clock on the wall reads 10 AM exactly?
   ... Homer's car has no seatbelts?
   ... The oven in the "cozy" house cant open all the way?
   ... Barbara gets a strike on her first time bowling?
   ... Sideshow Mel is not in his outfit, yet he still has a bone in his hair?
   ... Principle Skinner drives a station wagon?
   ... Homer's car is an automatic transmission, not standard shift?
   ... The clock reads 6:15 at dinner?
   ... The family didn't eat any of their dinners?
   ... Ned is ready to buy every house that Marge shows him until she
       convinces him not to?
   ... Ned screams like a little girl?
   ... The murder house is up for 10,000 dollars?
   ... Ned's checks have neither a ZIP code nor a state name?
   ... Homer and Snake are on a relatively low traffic road?
   ... Homer's shoe has enough weight to apply force to the gas pedal when
       he's not wearing them?
   ... A 318 is a law that is for waking an officer?

John Isles IV:
   ... this is Lionel Hutz's third job?
       He was a lawyer and a babysitter (one episode only) beforehand.

Joe Klemm:
   ... this is only the second Simpsons episode to have live action? (THOH
       VI was first.) [Actually it's the third. In 7F24, we see George Bush
       on OFF's television set. He also appears animated in this episode.
       Coincidence? Methinks not. --hmw]
   ... Apu at the auction?

Ondre Lombard:
   ... Homer drinks in the middle of the day?
   ... Marge can stuff her entire tall bouffant into that hat?
   ... Lisa's hat looks exactly like Marge's, except with a bow instead of a
       flower?
   ... there's something weird about all the realters in Red Blazer Realters?
   ... how simple it is for Snake to escape prison?
   ... Snake seems incredibly timid?
   ... the 1980s TV crime-drama music that follows Homer and Snake's fight?
       [Or is it 1970s? See {bjr}'s similar DYN below. --hmw]
   ... George Meyer on the unemployment line?

Damian Penny:
   ... Snake's old car is a 1968 Pontiac Firebird? [See "comments". --hmw]
   ... Lisa thinks air bags kill more people than they save?
   ... Mr. Van Houten still has his convertible?
   ... Skinner had a girlfriend in high school? [Well, he hasn't always been
       the seriousness personified man he is today. See 4F23. --hmw]

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... <that> was the best dress Marge could come up with?
   ... the caged tiger at the seized property auction?
   ... Gil has a bottle of Bromo Seltzer (an actual product, by the way) on
       his desk?
   ... Mel married pretty well for a guy with a bone in his hair?
   ... the Seventies chase music heard during Homer and Snake's fight scene?
   ... Lionel Hutz appears to be pretty competent in the real estate business?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, test supervisor, pigeon on Flanders' check,
        Sideshow Mel)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Kearney, Todd Flanders)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Chief Wiggum, Drug Lord, Johnny D, Snake, Moe, Gil, Nick
        Callahan, Kirk Van Houten)
   - Harry Shearer (Principal Skinner, Captain McAllistar, Dr. Hibbert, Ned
        Flanders, Lenny, George Bush)

- Special guest voice
   - Phil Hartman (Lionel Hutz)

- Also starring
   - Tress MacNeille (Cookie Kwan)
   - Maggie Roswell (Maude Flanders)
   - Pamela Hayden (Rod Flanders)

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Reality Bites" (movie)
      - title an obvious take-off

   + "Spartacus" (movie)
      - Bart's chalkboard gag mentions "Fartacus"

   + "Eraser" (movie)
      - Johnny D mentions "Johnny C" -- "Johnny C" is a character played
        by Robert Pastorelli in this 1996 action blockbuster

   + Century 21 {bjr}
      - Red Blazer Realty has a similar logo, with the outline of the roof of
        a house

   + "Someone Else's Child" (TV movie)
      - character named Nick Callahan in this 1994 TV movie, like the Red
        Blazer Realty employee with the same name

   + "Glengarry Glen Ross" (play & movie by David Mamet)
      - deals with Real Estate Salesmen who are on the verge of getting fired
        {dga}
      - Gil seems to represent Shelley "The Machine" Levene (played in the
        movie by Jack Lemmon): an old-timer who can't sell anything anymore
        {dga}
      - Lionel Hutz is a cross between Williamson (Kevin Spacey) and Blake
        (Alec Baldwin) {dga}
      - the successful salesman (whose name I forget) who says "Boo-ya!"
        represents Ricky Roma (played in the movie by Al Pacino, in the play
        by Joe Mantegna), the whippersnapper on a hot streak {dga}
      - the line "cubicles are for closers" is a ref to the line "coffee is
        for closers" in the movie {th}
      - there was also a bit where the realtors gave a client the business
        instead of returning his check {th}

   + "Senior Week" (1987 movie)
      - character named Debbie Sue

   + "Dirty Harry" (movie) {dp}
      - Hutz chews out Marge for being a renegade similar to the movie

   + "Psycho" (classic horror movie) {bjr}
      - architecture of the murder house is similar to that of the Psycho
        house  [{bjr} adds, Coincidentally, this movie came out the same
        year -- 1960 -- as Spartacus".  Must've been a good year for
        Simpsons" reference material." --hmw]

   + NY Times
      - Mrs. Astor surviving the murderhouse butcherings similar to a
        real-life headline concerning the real Mrs. Astor's safety being
        possible after the sinking of the RMS Titanic [See "comments". --hmw]

   + Home Shopping Network {jk}
      - Ringing a bell after a sale (like honking a horn in the early years
        of the network)

   + U-haul (rental vans) {ri}
      - U-break-it Rental Vans

   + "Road Runner" (cartoons) {bjr}
      - Snake gets his supplies from Acme, the same firm that outfitted Wile
        E. Coyote
      - now that I think of it, the whole piano-wire scheme sounds like 
        something Mr. Coyote may have come up with

   + Alfred Hitchcock movies {ddg}
      - the close-up with a camera pullback combination, when Marge sees the
        "murdered" Flanders

   + "The Shining" (novel, movie)
      - Rodd says "redroom," spoofing "redrum" in this Stephen King classic

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Realty references
   - [9F08] "Stinking Fish Realty"
   - [3F04] One of the mascots is "Red Devil Realty" (inspiration for "Red
            Blazer Realty"?)

- Past auctions
   - [1F19] Bart bids at a priceless art auction for fun
   - [3F12] Auctioning Krusty's belongings
   - [4F19] Bart goes to an auction, and bids on a factory (and wins)
   - [5F04] Bachelor auction

- [MG46] Bart borrows a tie belonging to Homer {ol}
- [7G03] parental unit of OFF gets fired for his actions {ji4}
- [7G06], [7F23], [8F13] Homer chokes
- [7F18] Marge squeezes her hair into something - in this case, her hat {ddg}
- [8F03] prison number same as episode p-code (Fat Tony's is 8F03)
- [8F19] Lurleen Lumpkin
- [9F07] Homer buys a vehicle without consulting Marge {ol}
- [9F12] Homer flees the house in a hurry without bothering to dress {th}
- [1F22] Ned screams like a woman {bjr}
- [2F02] Birch Barlow, the radio talk show host from 2F02 was at the
         unemployment office? {je}
- [2F31] Moe's dilapidated house {ol}
- [3F01] Rod and Todd Flanders first introduced to violence {hl}
- [3F09] George Bush appears
- [3F13] was that Hollis Hurlbut hosting the real estate test?
- [3F15] Homer's wreckless driving remeniscent of Troy McClure's
- [4F05] Larry Burns appears
- [4F06] the house the Flanderses move into looks similar to the Maison
         Derriere {ji4}
- [4F06] the house is destroyed in a similar fashion -- a vehicle running into
         it {ji4}
- [4F09] Snake's prison number is 7F20
- [4F12] George Meyer (the fired writer) appears

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Things sold at the seized property auction {ri}
   - sports coats
   - a cage with a tiger in it
   - picture frames
   - a boat
   - a sterio
   - a gate (sold for one kilo)
   - a car (little bandit)


- People at the auction {ri}
   - Homer
   - Marge
   - Apu
   - Jasper
   - Hans Moleman
   - Principle Skinner
   - Carl
   - Mrs. Krabapple
   - an unidentified mexican guy


- Johnny D's prison number is 5F06. Snake's is 7F20. [See "comments". --hmw]


- Snake's license plate reads GR8 68 {ri}


- Lionel Hutz's card {ri}

           /\
          /  \
 Red      |  |
 ----------  |_________
 Blazer Realty

     Lionel Hutz
   "You'll Go nuts
  For Lionel's Huts"


- Sign for the Real Estate test {ri}

        REAL ESTATE
           TEST

          $75.00
       OR BEST OFFER


- People taking the test {ri}
   - Captain McCallister
   - Helen Lovejoy
   - Luann Van Houten
   - Martin Prince's Father
   - Marge


- Bart's sign for Marge

    +-----------------+
    |   BETTER LUCK   |
    |    NEXT TIME    |
    |_________________|  ("BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME" on one side of the card,
    |                 |   "CONGRATULATIONS" overleaf.)
    | CONGRATULATIONS |
    |                 |
    +-----------------+


- Red Blazer Realty sign {ri}

         "The 6%
        COMMISION
         PEOPLE."


- People working at Red Blazer Realty {ri}
   - Lionel Hutz
   - Cookie Kwan
   - Gil
   - Nick Calahan


- Store underneath Marge's billboard

        H E I N R I C H ' S
        MONACLE        SHOP


- Plaque on door of house with bowling alley {ri}

                   BLESS
                   THIS
                   MESS


- Sign on jail gate {ri}

          NO
       ESCAPING
        PLEASE


- The murder house's Springfield Residential ID is 13/13.


- Sign on moving van

      U-BREAK-IT
      VAN RENTAL


- Snake's box

      ACME
   PIANO WIRE


- The check Ned makes out to Marge {ri}

  --------------------------------------------------------------------
  |                     Bank of Springfield                         |
  | Ned Flanders                                                    |
  | 744 Evergreen Terrace                                           |
  | Springfield, USA                                                |
  |                                                                 |
  | Pay to                                                          |
  | The order of Red Blazer Real Estate                     10,000  |
  | Ten Thousand and 0/100                             Dollars      |
  |                                                                 |
  |     For making our                                              |
  | MEMO: Dreams Come true                      Ned Flanders        |
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------


- The check Ned makes out to Marge, as it appears onscreen {bjr}

  (I have chosen to publish both of these, as {ri}'s version is the
  check as it would appear if not being held, and {bjr}'s is the check
  as we see it onscreen, including Marge's thumb, parts covered etc.)

  +---------------------------------------------------------------+
  |                      Bank of Springfield                      |
  |                                                               |
  |   Ned Flanders                                                |
  |   744 Evergreen Terrace                          [Dove]       |
  |   Springfield USA                                             |
  |                                                      00       |
  |   Pay To                                             ---      |
  |   the order of Red Blazer Real Estate       $10,000  100      |
  |                -----------------------------                  |
  |   Ten Thousand and 00/------------------/100  Doll [       ]  |
  |   ------------------------------------------------ [Marge's]  |
  |         For making our                             [thumb  ]  |
  |   MEMO: dreams come true                Ned Flander[       ]  |
  |         ----------------                                      |
  +---------------------------------------------------------------+

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
= The picture on the cover of Marge's magazine disappears/changes from shot
  to shot.

= Marge loses her blazer in one shot. {jk}

* Why would Lenny be living under such poor conditions?  He has that nice job
  with SNPP, lives by himself and probably has a higher position than Homer.
  {ol}

= The last thing I expected to see in a Simpsons episode: there's a
  "background loop" being used - in the scene where Homer is driving Marge,
  they pass by Heimlich's Monocle Shop three times.  [As we all know, it's a
  technique used in all cartoons -- even "The Simpsons". Usually the make it
  seamless, but this time it was obvious. --hmw] {ddg}

= Marge says "that house is on fire" looking at a picture in Lionel Hutz's
  catalogue of homes for sale. Watching Lionel turn the page in slow motion
  will reveal the house is not on fire at all. In fact, it's the same house
  that they looked at first (the one Marge said was awfully small, and Lionel
  countered, "awfully cosy")!

= Maude says that the murder house has a "For Sale" sign, but it doesn't.

= The slope used for pushing things into the rental van disappears.

* The piano wire was loose enough so that Snake could make it "spring", yet
  it remained tight when it cut off Kirk's arm. {ddg}

= Kirk's arm should have bled immediately. {ji4}

* Ned Flanders seems to know a lot about the murder house, so why didn't he
  know it was the actual house when he bought it?

* Could Homer's shoe really have been heavy enough to floor the gas pedal?
  {je}

= There was nobody steering the car before it crashed into the house, yet it
  managed to go around the fountain in front of the house. {ddg}

* Marge wouldn't be eligible for unemployment after only a week.  (Unless
  perhaps they aggregated her wages as a pretzel maker, church counselor,
  nuclear plant technician, etc.) [Keep in mind that we didn't actually see
  her collect any money. They could reject her. --hmw]

* Bush left Springfield in the end of 3F09. {ol}

= The other people in the Springfield Unemployment Office disappear in the
  last shot.

@ In the commercial after the show, Matt Groening, known for being
  left-handed, draws Homer right-handed (just as he drew Bart right-handed
  two weeks ago)...and (as it probably says in the LISA) the "MG" for
  Homer's hair/ear only appear when Matt draws Homer (well, the M is always
  there, but the ear isn't quite a G when other people draw it). {ddg}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:  Nothing to really get upset about, but absolutely nothing
   to get excited about.  Although Lionel Hutz gets a big role for the first
   time in a very long while, and there are many references to "Glengarry Glen
   Ross," one of my all-time favorite plays, I found myself totally immune to
   whatever charms this episode had to offer.  Not one laugh-out-loud moment.
   (D)

Jordan Eisenberg:  This was a very weak episode, in my opinion.  The entire
   first scene seemed trite and forced, and most of Marge's plot was boring.
   The sub-plot of Homer and Snake's car was a little bizarre, but
   entertaining nontheless.  It didn't seem like the writers were even trying
   for originality in this episode, and, frankly, I'm getting tired of their
   spoof endings where they try to make fun of corny 70s and 80s TV shows.  A
   mildly entertaining but disappointing episode, and one that is just short
   of being worthy of syndication.  The classic episodes are getting farther
   and farther apart these days! (C+)

Tony Hill:  This episode was quite hilarious for one starring Marge.  The
   Snake subplot helped, but the comedy highlight was the Flanders' unique
   reaction to everything.  One would think Marge would be a good realtor.
   Too bad she was given so many loser houses to sell. (B)

Ryan Irvine:  I thought that this was a really solid episode.  The best part
   by far was the point when Snake was going to leave the jail and Kearny
   said, you're ruining this for the rest of us!  I thought there were no bad
   points to this episode, but there weren't any incredible points to the
   episode either. (B+)

John Isles IV:  To be honest, I didn't care for this one.  It did have a few
   laughs at the start, but lost its pace at the first commercial.  There
   were a few sight gags, but they were all pretty much "feh".  The story
   just seemed contrived, being "there's only one real estate company", and
   the subplot just didn't do well enough for this episode.  All in all, just
   sub-par. (D+)

Joe Klemm:  A very clever episode. The couch gag was strange, with that hand
   spinning the family. Snake and Homer's subplot proved to be funny with
   Kearney as a fellow prisoner and Kirk losing his arm. (A-)

Haynes Lee:  A consistently funny episode with a funny Snake sub-plot.  They
   should give Snake more coverage. (A+)

Ondre Lombard:  Dan Greaney, often Simpsons' best writer, turns in a story
   that is at worst mediocre.  Haven't we had enough Marge episodes where
   Marge gets some job to spice up her life that she ends up failing at?
   That, in addition to the fact Marge fails at the hands of her own sense of
   honesty, makes this episode look like "Springfield Connection" rehash.
   The most that saves this episode are some of the jokes, and the subplot
   with Homer, Snake and the hot rod. However, good gags and an okay subplot
   isn't enough to save this one from a 6.5/10 -- earned largely in part
   because of the line-crossing gag with Kirk's arm being sliced off. (C-)

Damian Penny:  The first two-thirds of this one were pretty flat, presenting
   us with situations that have been done better in the past (Marge feeling
   confined in the house, being the only honest person on the job, etc.).
   Fortunately, the third act redeemed the episode, with lots of hilarious
   references to bad '70s cop shows and Looney Tunes cartoons.  The gag
   with Mr. Van Houten's arm was totally unexpected, disgusting, and
   very funny. (B)

Benjamin Robinson:  One of the better Marge episodes, despite going over some
   territory that's been uncovered already.  Good storytelling, a good
   subplot, and good character development show Dan Greaney can write for just
   about any member of the family.  I wonder if he'll complete the set, and do
   a Maggie-centered episode... (B+)

Shannon Young:  Well,tonights ep was good,not great....I liked the part where
   Marge sells Ned the house and he screams like a girl and Milhouses dad gets
   his arm cut off. Not much to say bout this one, it kept me watching, but
   its not the best of the year by a long shot. But hey, I am the first to
   review it. [... are you? --hmw] (C)

Yours truly:  Not bad, but not terrific either. The Lionel Hutz scenes -- as
   always -- were the highlights of the show. (C+)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Realty-- uh, Reality Bites

Yours truly {hmw}: The inspiration of this episode's title comes from the 1994
   movie "Reality Bites," (a comedy about love in the Nineties) directed by
   Ben Stiller.  The movie, a comedy about love in the Nineties, stars Winona
   Ryder, Ethan Hawke, Janeane Garofalo, Steve Zahn, and Ben Stiller.


>> Fartacus or Spartacus?

Yours truly {hmw}: The chalkboard gag mentions "Fartacus". This is
   parodying a man, a myth, a legend: Spartacus.  Spartacus was born Thracian
   Spartacus, in 73 BC. Movies portray him as a man whose sole purpous in
   life was to fight against injustice in Roman slavery, but they often
   disregard his personal emotions. Bart probably got the idea for the joke
   from the famous 1960 movie, "Spartacus".


>> Where is Springfield?

Tony Hill: If the local cops confiscate drug boats, perhaps it's on salt
   water.


>> "Easter Eggs"

Yours truly {hmw}: Snake's prison number is 7F20. 7F20 is the production
   code for classic Simpsons episode, "War of the Simpsons," the episode
   that marked Snake's first appearance (at Bart's party). After reviewing
   my copy of 4F09, the ending scene with Snake in Bart's classroom's
   prison cell shows that his prison number was 7F20 back then, too. The
   animators are doing a good job.  Johnny D's number is 5F06 -- the p-code
   for this episode.  (A similar treat for eagle-eyed viewers was put into
   8F03, when Fat Tony was in court -- look closely and you'll notice his
   prison number is 8F03.)


>> Car Watch:  The Revenge

Benjamin Robinson: Li'l Bandit is a souped-up Pontiac Firebird, built between
   1967 and 1969.  Given the license plate, "GR8 68", I'll say she was a '68.
   Whoever drew her did a good job; even the dashboard is correct, a 
   rarity in the cartoon world.  By the way, an American car built in 
   1968 would have had seatbelts, since the government made them 
   mandatory equipment that year.  (See next item for a related story.)

   Bonus car:  While Snake and Homer fought over the car, it appears that 
   they drove past an orange Chevy Nova, c. 1968 - 1972.


>> Glengarry Glen Ross

Tony Hill: This 1992 film set in a real estate office starring Jack Lemmon
   and Al Pacino contributed several refs:  Both the Phil character and
   Lionel Hutz are based on the characters played by Lemmon and Alec
   Baldwin, respectively.  The line "cubicles are for closers" is a ref to
   the line "coffee is for closers" in the movie.  There was also a bit
   where the realtors gave a client the business instead of returning his
   check.


>> This'll either save ya or kill ya

Benjamin Robinson: Lisa mentions in passing the growing controversy over
   air bags, a safety feature long touted as a way of saving lives in auto
   crashes.  Air bags arrived with much fanfare in the early Nineties after 
   languishing for more than twenty years.  Most of the time, the bags 
   work precisely as advertised, reducing the chance of injury and death.  
   They weren't without their drawbacks, however.  If the driver had his 
   hands hooked around the steering wheel when the bag deployed, for 
   instance, they could be broken when the bag inflated.  What really 
   enraged people, though, was the fact that when a death was attributed 
   to air bag deployment, the victim was usually a short adult, or a 
   child (like Lisa).  Children in rear-facing car seats were also 
   vulnerable.  What drivers had, essentially, was a safety device that 
   could turn lethal for people who didn't fall within the engineers' 
   95th-percentile idea of a person.

   Many of the columns, letters to auto magazines, and other complaints 
   about air bags decried "Big Brother" government intervention for 
   making them mandatory.  Anyone whose memory of automotive history goes 
   back more than three years has to chuckle at this, at least a little.  
   The government only mandated a "passive restraint" system.  The 
   motorized seatbelts that some cars had, while they drove people batty, 
   did meet the federal requirement.  Furthermore, air bag installment 
   was initially driven at least as much by market demand as by Uncle 
   Sam.  Chrysler, in particular, made them standard equipment on several 
   new models <before> the government insisted upon passive restraints.  
   Presumably, the carmakers could go back to their pre-air bag systems 
   if customers demanded it.  But then again, why let the facts get in 
   the way of the opportunity to whine about the government, eh?


>> The legend of Mrs. Astor

Carolyn Marie: The real headline said, 'ISMAY (the owner of the White Star
   Line) SAFE, MRS. ASTOR MAYBE.'  If you go to the site for the terrific
   Broadway musical (www.buybroadway.com) you'll see a reproduction of it on
   one of their opening pages.  Mrs. Astor and her unborn son were saved,
   but hubby John Jacob Astor IV--and ALL the other millionaires on board,
   interestingly enough--died.

   Might there be a 'Titanic' buff amongst the writers?  If a lot of them
   went to Harvard, they'd have spent a lot of time in the Widener Library
   (in memory of 27-year-old Harry Widener) and maybe lived in Straus Hall
   (after Mr. and Mrs. Isidor and Ida Straus).  The Big T is the Illuminati
   of references--everything can lead back to it...


>> Why Ned Flanders?

Benjamin Robinson: Am I alone in wondering why Ned is moving?  It didn't
   seem to me that Homer got to him, what with the way he's been putting up
   with his neigh-boor for eight years now.

JJJAAAZZZ (jjjaaazzz@aol.com): Well, they could have used a less developed
   character, or new characters, but that would have required initiative, I
   guess.

Jeremy Reaban: Actually, if you think about it, Ned moving into the house
   was instrumental to the plot. Marge is afraid something bad is going to
   happen in the house (though I don't know why, just because several people
   are horribly killed there doesn't make it unsafe, at least if the killer
   is in jail), so she freaks when Ned screams like a woman.  If it's not
   Ned, then it's not funny.  Just, if it wasn't a neighbor, you couldn't
   have had any moving van scenes...

Nathan Mulac DeHoff: I also thought that Ned's moving was odd.  I guess
   Greaney chose Ned because he was the kind of character who would buy a
   house without being suspicious. [Bingo. --hmw]


>> And the Haynes Lee Award for scene most likely to be cut in syndication
   goes to...

Benjamin Robinson: ...the part where Marge imagines, in silhouette, the
   stabbing death of a socialite.  Its graphic nature may turn off some
   syndication markets, while its removal doesn't disrupt the flow of Marge's
   conversation with Ned.

Yours truly {hmw}: The audio of a woman screaming accomponying this scene
   also seemed a tad unsuitable for younger viewers.

Haynes Lee adds another to the list: Kirk Van Houten getting his armed sliced
   off.


>> Redroom, over there!

Yours truly {hmw}: This line, uttered by Rodd, is a parody of a famous part
   of Stephen King's fine horror story, "The Shining".  Danny Torrance, as
   I recall, was in a room with the word "redrum" written all over the
   walls. "Redrum" is "murder" spelled backwards.


>> Scenes cut by Canada's CBC Network

Haynes Lee observes parts of the episode cut in syndication for whatever
reason by Canada's CBC Network:

   $  [Marge showing Hibberts around house]
   $ 
   $    Marge: And here we have a lovely gormet kitchen,
   $           central can opener and  special under
   $           flooring for enchanced stand-a-bility.
   $  Hibbert: Isn't this kitchen horribly cramp.
   $    Marge: I suppose it is.
   $  Hibbert: Well, we could get used to it.
   $    Marge: Well, you don't have to settle. I've always
   $           liked the house you're in now.
   $  Hibbert: Really, well thanks for your honesty Marge.
   $           And if you ever need a prescription (winks eyes).
   $ 
   $  [Mel's new home]
   $ 
   $  Sideshow Mel: Good shot Barbara. Wow, a house with a
   $                bowling alley.
   $         Marge: Do you bowl often?
   $  Sideshow Mel: Actually this is our first time. I don't
   $                really care about it.
   $         Marge: Then maybe you should think about if this
   $                house is good for you.
   $  Sideshow Mel: I suppose not. I guess we were just
   $                captivated by this delightful plaque,
   $                (laughs). (It says "Bless this Mess").


>> Musical references

   + Camptown Song from "Song of the South" {hl}

   + "Swanee River" {hl}
      - Marge hums it

   + Susan Vega, 99.9 Farenheit Degrees {ri}
      - Homer sings "My Name is Luka"


>> Miscellaneous

- MPAA rating: PG-V {ddg}

- Overseas Animation: Akom; N.J. Kim {ddg}

- Haynes Lee's alterna-title for this episode is "Realty Sucks".

- MPAA rating: PG-V. {ddg}

- This is the Ninth episode in the Ninth season.  Coincidence?  Hardly.

==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary
==============================================================================
% It's another lazy day, and Homer's doing what we all want to do -- laze
% around on the couch with a bowl of popcorn resting soundly on our chest,
% a can of beer, and our thoughts running smoothly through our minds, our
% attire being the pyjamas we slept in the previous night.

Homer: Ahh, I love these lazy Saturdays.
Marge: It's Wednesday, Homer!
Homer: Aagh! Work!
       [Homer jolts up and out the house, into the car, and off to work.]
-- Lazy Wednesdays, "Realty Bites"

% Saturday has finally arrived, and Homer starts where he left off -- on the
% couch, dressed in his pyjamas, and a bowl of popcorn to eat resting on
% his chest.

Ahh, I love these <real> Saturdays, they're so relaxing. Not like that <fake>
Saturday that almost got me <fired>!
-- It was the calendar's fault! Homer, "Realty Bites"

% Homer sucks on some popcorn.

Marge: [sighs] Hmmm... is this all we're going to do today?
Homer: [happily] Aaaaabsolutely.
       [Homer sucks some popcorn out his bowl, and begins choking on it,
        until he clears his throat. Not learning from his mistake, he does
        it again.]
-- Positively, "Realty Bites"

Marge: You know, Homer, I'm starting to realise -- life is short.
Homer: [intrigued] It is?
Marge: We have to make the most of the time we have!
Homer: [sits up, worried] We do?
Marge: Otherwise we could wake up one day and realise we've wasted our
       whole lives!
Homer: [relieved] Ohhhh, <that>. [laughs, chokes on popcorn, clears throat.]
-- "Realty Bites"

Marge: Oooh, Friends of the Library is holding a historic manuscript viewing!
Homer: Pff. <Friends> of the library?
-- That's a typo, "Realty Bites"

Marge: Oooh, ooh! There's an azalea festival at the public garden!
Homer: [uninterested] I went yesterday.
Marge: Hmmmm...
Homer: [hurt] Lenny really wanted to go!
-- Perhaps he's not lying, "Realty Bites"

Marge: I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all the time.
Homer: Open a window!
-- A quick and easy solution, "Realty Bites"

Homer: All right, I hear you, honey. Change into something nice. We're
       stepping out!
       [Marge looks happy.]
       [Cut to: Homer and Marge at the "POLICE SEIZED PROPERTY AUCTION".]
Marge: [annoyed] A police auction?
Homer: Can you believe it? It's already been a year.
-- Is this the way you pictured married life? "Realty Bites"

% Homer and Marge look around. There's lots of cool looking stuff all
% around. Homer seems to be enjoying himself, while Marge seems to be
% doing the opposite.

Homer: Wow, sweetheart, look at all this seized booty! We could find the
       drug boat of our dreams!
Marge: I don't want a drug boat!
Homer: Well, I bet theres drug dresses, and drug vacuum cleaners, too!
-- Homer's new obsession, "Realty Bites"

% Chief Wiggum is about to begin the auction.

 Wiggum: All right, listen up.
         [the crowd continues to talk.]
         Listen up!  These prestigious rod-iron security gates are
         bullet-proof, bomb-proof, and battering-ram resistant. Now.
Skinner: Then what happened to Johnny D?
 Wiggum: He forgot to lock 'em.
-- "Realty Bites"

Wiggum: Now, what am I bid?
   Guy: One kilo!
Wiggum: Sold.
-- Drug everything, "Realty Bites"

% In the prison, Johnny D and Snake are watching the auction from a barred
% window.  Snake's car, a speedy red called "L'il Bandit," goes up for sale.
% Guess who buys it? That's right.  Homer hops into L'il Bandit and plays
% around with the steering wheel, and makes driving noises.

Marge: You bought a car? Without consulting me?
Homer: I don't recall being consulted when you bought that hat!
Marge: I found this hat!
Homer: Then what are you complaining about! You got yours... [pats seat.]
-- "Realty Bites"

% Marge reluctantly gets into the car, and Homer speeds away so fast Marge's
% hat flies off.  Within no time, Homer is speeding the car down the road and
% drives wrecklessly. It's a good job Chief Wiggum's back at the auction.

Marge: Homer... be careful!
Homer: Oh yeah, you gotta be careful.. when you do a trick like this!
       [tips the car so it drives on two wheels.]
--No.. I meant buckle your safety belt! "Realty Bites"

% Marge demands Homer to let her out. He stops the car, and she gets out.

Marge: I'm not getting back in this car until you drive like a sane person!
Homer: [driving away] Okbyeloveya!
-- "Realty Bites"

% Marge begins making her way home -- on foot. She comes across Lionel Hutz,
% who is putting his name onto a "For Sale" sign in front of a selling-house.

You know, if you lived here, you'd be home by now!
-- Lionel Hutz, realty salesman, "Realty Bites"

 Marge: Mr. Hutz! I didn't know you sold real estate!
Lionel: You didn't? We should talk more often, Marge. You see, the law
        business is a little slow, and since most of my clients wind up
        losing their houses, this was a natural move for me.
 Marge: Helping people find homes.. that must be really rewarding!
Lionel: Yes, the money <is> good, but the beauty is, you get to stay in
        the house until it's sold! [to a bunch of dogs] C'mon guys, lets
        go for a swim. [they run into the house]
-- Troy likes fish, now Lionel is swimming with dogs, "Realty Bites"

% Meanwhile, outside Moes, Homer is showing off his new car to Moe and
% the barflies.

  Moe: Geez, this hot rod is souped up six ways from Sunday!  Never had
       you figured for a gearhead, Homer.
Homer: Oh yeah, I'm a real expert.
  Moe: What is that, a six barrel holleykauf?
Homer: You betcha!
  Moe: Pedal block intakes?
Homer: Nothing but.
  Moe: Miya half lifters?
Homer: Ah yeah.
  Moe: I made that last one up!
Homer: I see.
-- Hodle prodcats? "Realty Bites"

% Later on, the family sit around the dinner table to eat, and Marge
% explains her idea about selling real estate.

I don't know, Marge, trying is the first step towards failure.
[Homer tries to cut his meat, but slips, spilling his dinner off the
 plate and onto the table.] Hmmm.
-- Homer, "Realty Bites"

% Marge looks through a revision book for her license test.

Marge: Oh boy, I've got a lot to learn before the license test!
 Lisa: Don't worry, mom, we'll help you study!
 Bart: Of course, we'll have to cut back on our own homework!
-- And that would be a shame, wouldn't it, "Realty Bites"

What in the heck is a <dwelling>?
-- Marge, "Realty Bites"

% Soon enough, Marge is practicing her sales techniques on Bart and Lisa, who
% are posing as a married couple. They're dressed for the occasion, wearing
% fancy clothes that don't fit.

Marge: So, you're married, and you're looking for your house, Mr. and Mrs...
 Bart: Superman!
 Lisa: Oh! Don't listen to my husband, he's just an idiot.  Now, I'm a
       vetinerarian, and I need to keep lots of sick animals in my house! Is
       that permitted?
 Bart: Not in my damn house!
Marge: Well, this neighbourhood is zone R3, which allows dogs, cats, phone
       answering monkeys, and... ohhh... [checks book] I'll <never> memorize
       all this!
 Lisa: When I had to learn about the Magna Carta, I made up a song! [singing]
       In 1215 at Ronnie Mee, do da do da, the nobles and the king agreed, oh
       da doo da day!
 Bart: We should have lived together first!
-- Practicing for Marge's real estate license test, "Realty Bites"

% Later, they've come up with the song, and are singing it to Homer.

B&L&M: Oh, on the closing day, the esker agents pay, taxes, lins and interest
       too, thanks to Penny May!
 Bart: They back your baaaaank!
Homer: You're all nuts.
-- Bingo, "Realty Bites"

% Marge is sitting the test, and nearly gets stuck on a question, but then
% she hums the song, and gets the answer. The alarm tings, and the test is
% over.

Time's up. You may now undermine eachother's confidence.
-- Supervisor in real estate test, "Realty Bites"

% The supervisor leaves. Captain McAllistar turns around to Marge.

Darr, I nailed that one about house-boats, did you?
-- Captain McAllistar after sitting the real estate test, "Realty Bites"

% Later, at home, Marge enters with great news.

Marge: I passed!
  B&L: Yay!
 Lisa: Way to go!
 Bart: Way to go!
       [Bart turns around his sign which says "BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME" to
        the other side, which reads "CONGRATULATIONS")
Marge: Thank you, Bart, thank you, Lisa, for all your help!
Homer: What about me? You didn't thank me!
 Bart: You didn't do anything..
Homer: [upset] I like being thanked.
-- "Realty Bites"

% Marge is at Red Blazer Realty, where Lionel Hutz escorts her into the
% building and tries to make her at home.

Lionel: Welcome to the big league, Marge. There's over fifty years of
        experience right in this room! And fourty two of those years are
        Gil's!
   Gil: Marge, it's a real pleasure!  You got any leads? I need some leads...
        please... help me!
Lionel: That's enough, Gil.. don't drag her down with you.
-- At Red Blazer Realty, "Realty Bites"

% Lionel Hutz walks Marge around the room, introducing her to existing
% employees.

Lionel: That's Cookie Kwan, she's number one on the West side!
Cookie: Hi, Marge!  [sharply] Stay off the West side!
-- Making Marge feel welcome, "Realty Bites"

Lionel: And theres Nick Callohan!
        [points to a confident man talking into a headset telephone.]
 Marge: A headset telephone? I thought those only existed in the movies!
        [Nick Callohan rings the "Sale Bell".]
  Nick: Boo-yah! Guess who sold the Whitman's place?
        [People applause.]
   Gil: I've been working on the Whitman place for twenty one years.
-- I thought guys like that only existed in the movies, "Realty Bites"

% Lionel welcomes Marge to the family, and slides on her brand new red blazer.
% She is overwhelmed with acceptedness.

Marge: Thank you! Thank you, everybody! I'm going to do my darnest to uphold
       the principals and ideals this jacket represents.
       [The employees clap.]
 Nick: I give her a week.
-- "Realty Bites"

Cookie: Are you guys talking about the West side?!
   Gil: No, Cookie! I swear it.. I'm.. scared of you.
-- Gil's endless pain, "Realty Bites"

% Homer drives the kids in his new car, wrecklessly as ever. They slide back
% and forth across the back seats due to the absence of seatbelts. Marge sits
% in the front with Homer, as they drive to see Marge's new billboard.

 Lisa: Agh, dad! Doesn't this car have seatbelts?
Homer: Seatbelts, pff! They kill more people than they save!
 Lisa: That's not true, you're thinking of airbags!
-- Or dashboards, "Realty Bites"

% They arrive at Marge's Red Blazer Realty billboard. Something looks
% different about her, though -- her butt looks big.

Marge: There it is!
  L&B: Wow!
 Lisa: Your own billboard!
 Bart: Check it out!
Homer: Gee, that picture makes your butt look big!
Marge: I thought so, too! But they said it sells.
 Bart: Works for the Lumber King.
       [Homer looks at a nearby billboard for the "Lumber King" where an
        electric buttocks moves separately from the sign, trancing Homer.]
Homer: [zombie-like] Lumber... we need lumber...
-- "Realty Bites"

% Later on, Marge is moving from house to house, inquiring as to whether the
% respective inhabitants are interested in selling their house. The house
% she's currently at is home of Moe. The door swings open, and the bartender
% stands in the doorway.

Marge: Excuse me, Mr. Szyslak, have you ever considered selling your home?
  Moe: What? No, why, what, why, what've you heard, are you implying I'm in
       some sort of financial trouble?
Marge: No..
  Moe: Well, I am. Gimme that card.
       [Moe takes the card and slams the door.]
-- "Realty Bites"

% Marge shows the Hibberts around a different house. They enter the kitchen,
% which is truly small. Marge reads the description.

      Marge: And here we have a lovely gourmet kitchen with gas range, central
             can opener, and firm under-flooring for enhanced standability.
Dr. Hibbert: Why, isn't this kitcen horribly cramped? [laughs]
             [Opens oven door, which is so close to the cupboards that it's
              unable to open fully.]
      Marge: Why, yes it is.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, I suppose we could get used to it.
      Marge: Yeah, but you shouldn't have to settle... you know, I've always
             loved the house you're in now!
Dr. Hibbert: Really?  Well... maybe we should stay put!  Thanks for your
             honesty, Marge.
      Marge: My pleasure.
Dr. Hibbert: If you ever need a prescription, no questions asked.
             [clicks fingers at her, winking smoothly. Laughs.]
-- Julius! "Realty Bites"

% Next up, Sideshow Mel and his lover are bowling in a luxurious house's
% bowling alley. Marge watches on, as Barbara hits a strike.

              [Barbara bowls a ball, hitting a strike.]
Sideshow Mel: Good shot, Barbara!  I can't believe it, a house with a bowling
              alley!
       Marge: You bowl often?
Sideshow Mel: Actually, this is our first time, and I didn't really care for
              it.
       Marge: Oh, well, then you have to ask yourself, is this the right
              house for you?
Sideshow Mel: I suppose not. I guess we were just captivated by this
              <delightful> plaque! [it reads "BLESS THIS MESS". Mel laughs.]
-- Hilarious, "Realty Bites"

% Principal Skinner, sat in his car, waits patiently at the streetlights.
% Homer, in L'il Bandit, screeches to a halt next to him.

  Homer: Hey Skinner, wanna drag race? [revs engine.]
Skinner: My highschool sweetheart was killed in a highschool drag racing
         accident.
  Homer: Come on, it'll be fun!
Skinner: That's what Debbie Sue said.
-- Troubled memories, "Realty Bites"

         [Homer struggles to start L'il Bandit. In the prison yard, Snake
          realises the trouble his once-vigorous car is in.]
  Snake: Ohhh, that's L'il Bandit.. and she's in pain!  Screw the honor
         system, my car needs me!
         [Snake opens the gate bearing a sign, "NO ESCAPING PLEASE," and
          runs out into the street.]
Kearney: Hey, you're ruining it for the rest of us!
-- "Realty Bites"

[L'il Bandit, and Homer, speed away.]  Stop! That's my car!  [a cloud of
exhaust from the car envelopes Snake, who coughs in discomfort. Hey sniffs
the fumes to see what kind of fuel Homer's using.]  Hey, that smells like
regular.. she needs premium, dude!  PREMIUM!  DUUUUUDE!!
-- Snake freaking out over his car, "Realty Bites"

% In the Red Blazer Realty office, Lionel Hutz approaches Marge.

Lionel: Marge, I had a lot of calls about you! Customers love your "no
        pressure" approach.
 Marge: Well, like we say, "the right house for the right person!"
Lionel: Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge.  The
        right house is the house that's for sale. The right person is
        anyone.
-- Well, that makes things a lot simpler, "Realty Bites"

 Marge: But all I did was tell the truth!
Lionel: Of course you did. But theres.. [face becomes unfriendly, voice
        deepens] the truth [shakes head, "no"], and [voice becomes chirpy,
        smiles] the truth [nods head, "yes"]!
-- Or, the truth! "Realty Bites"

% Lionel Hutz gets out a realty catalogue with photographs of houses in it
% to show Marge how to do things the Red Blazer way.

        [Lionel shows Marge a realty catalogue.  The first featured house
         is extremely small.]
 Marge: It's awfully small...
Lionel: I'd say it's awfully.. cozy!
 Marge: That's dilapidated...
Lionel: Rustic!
 Marge: That house is on fire!
Lionel: Motivated seller!
        [The next house is a large, beautiful mansion.]
 Marge: That's a beauty!
Lionel: [closes book] Forget about that house, that's the murder house.
 Marge: Ooh, I remember! Mrs. Astor was very lucky.
Lionel: Well, no one expects you to sell that house. But you'd better sell
        something, because cubicles are for closers, Marge. Anybody that
        doesn't sell a house their first week gets fired. I probably should
        have mentioned that earlier.
-- Indeed. "Realty Bites"

% At the dinner table, Marge is discussing the job.

I thought I'd do anything to succeed at business, but bending the truth... I
don't know...
-- Marge, obviously not familiar with business, "Realty Bites"

 Lisa: Even if you don't have that killer instinct, big deal!
Homer: Yeah, honey! Even if you don't succeed in the business world, you're
       still the world's greatest wife and mother!
Marge: Hm! So that's how you see me? As a spineless, potato-cooking housewife
       who can't compete in the real world?
  All: Mmm hm.
Marge: Well, I too can compete, and I'm gonna sell a house, end of story!
Homer: Kids, your mother's under a lot of pressure. Why don't we let her
       clear the table in peace. [they leave]
-- But you're not the world's greatest husband and father, "Realty Bites"

% Marge is showing the Flanders some of the available houses. The first one
% is extremely dilapidated, and looks like it could fall to pieces any second.

The first house I have to show you is, ummm, a handyman's dream! [pause]
Because it's so dilapidated.  Hmmmmm.
-- Marge, trying to sell a crumbling house, "Realty Bites"

Marge: The first house I have to show you is, ummm, a handyman's dream!
       [pause] Because it's so dilapidated.  Hmmmmm.
  Ned: Well, nothing's perfect. I'd sure hate to make you come out here, and
       not buy a house! [Ned reaches for his check book]
Maude: Now slow down, Neddy. The homebuyer's course said "always look inside
       the house before buying."
       [The front of the house detatches and slams down to the ground,
        revealing all that's inside, include Lenny, sat in his underwear
        eating from a can.]
Marge: Well, there it is...
Lenny: Please don't tell anyone how I live!
-- "Realty Bites"

% The next house the Flanders' take a look at is the same one the Hibbert's
% were looking at earlier, still as cramped as ever.  Marge convinces them
% not to buy it, and it seems like she's isn't going to sell a house after
% all; that was the last of the lot. Except for, of course... the Murder
% House!  Maude inquires about it, and Marge reluctantly takes the Flanders'
% inside to look around. They walk through the roomy and echoey hallway into
% the interior rooms. It seems like the perfect deal.

  Ned: Oh! My d-iddly-ie, will you <look> at this place! [gasp] And the price
       has been <slashed> repeatedly!
Maude: It's sure built solid. The kids could scream <bloody murder> and
       nobody would hear!
  Ned: Well, I'm just gonna <spill my guts>, I love it to <death>!  I'm gonna
       give you a deposit this minute! [begins writing check] Unless you can
       give me a reason not to!
Maude: Is there anything else we should know, Marge?
       [Marge remember's Lionel Hutz's "the truth" conversation. She then
        imagines the newspaper headlines about the murders, and a grim
        sillhoette of a helpless victim being stabbed repeatedly, screaming.]
  Ned: Well, Marge?
Marge: No, there is absolutely nothing else to tell you about this house.
  Ned: That's good enough for me!
       [Ned walks off-screen. Marge looks concerned.  Suddenly we hear an
        intense scream from off-screen. Camera pans to Ned, holding purple
        curtains excitedly.]
  Ned: Purple drapes! All my life, I've wanted purple drapes! [screams]
-- Am I imagining things? "Realty Bites"

% In Red Blazer Realty, Lionel Hutz is about to announce Marge's first sale.

[ringing the "sale bell"] Attention! [the bell-ringer snaps off] Ding ding
ding ding ding ding.
-- Lionel Hutz announcing Marge's first sale, "Realty Bites"

% Lionel tells all about Marge's first sale, which is followed by courteous
% compliments, which increase to impressed compliments when Lionel reveals
% it was the Murder House.

  Nick: Why, you must have told a whopper to unload that deathtrap.
   Gil: H-what'd you use Marge, the old buff-n-bluff, the hail murry, the
        sasqua head of shuffle, huh, huh? [click click] Huh? [click click]
        Huh? [laughs nervously]
 Marge: No, no tricks! It was salesmanship, that's all!
Lionel: Sure, Marge, "salesmanship".
 Marge: But it was!
Lionel: Sure, Marge, "was".
-- "Realty Bites"

% Marge tries to convince everyone that just because everybody that lived in
% the Murder House was hacked to bits, doesn't mean that the Flanders will be.

Lionel: Well, whatever happens, as our newest closer you're entitled to wear
        the coveted closing blazer. [applause] And you get a third wall for
        your cubicle. [Lionel takes one of Gill's walls, shaking off the
        framed articles on it.]
   Gil: I earned that wall!
Lionel: Don't push your luck, pal, you're hanging on by a thread!
   Gil: [runs over to other wall, grabbing it] I brought this wall from home!
-- Give me that, "Realty Bites"

% Snake stands alongside a road, which Homer is driving along in the far
% distance. Snake prepares a trap which should stop Homer, involving two
% trees and some piano wire.

Ho ho, ok. Baldy-boy hits wire, head comes off, L'il Bandit rolls to a gentle
stop. <Everybody> wins.
-- Everybody? Snake, "Realty Bites"

% Snake springs the wire.  Homer stands up in the car, speeding down the road.
% He saves himself on the last minute by noticing a gumball in the car, and
% ducks to pick it up, narrowly avoiding the piano wire.  Not far behind, Kirk
% Van Houten holds a sandwich in the air.

I told that idiot to slice my sandwich!  [He drives into the piano wire,
slicing half his arm off.] [pause] Ow!
-- Kirk Van Houten driving his car, "Realty Bites"

% Back at home, the Flanders are preparing their luggage for the big move.

Wow, honey, you sold a house <and> got rid of the Flanders.  What's for
dinner?
-- Homer, "Realty Bites"

  Ned: Well, neighbour-eenos, I guess this is goodbye... I'd better make
       this quick, or I'm gonna start blubbering like a baby! [weeps]
Homer: [speaking without inflection] Yeah, me too. Let me know if you need
       any help.
  Ned: Uh, now that you mention it, we could use--
Homer: It was just an expression.
-- "Realty Bites"

Marge: [worried] Goodbye, Ned. If the slightest thing goes wrong with that
       house, I want you to call me right away! Or you can beat me! In fact,
       why don't you just stay here tonight, we'll go to a hotel!
  Ned: Oh, you're sweet to offer, but we're all just so tired, we just want
       to get to our new house and <rest in peace>. So long, Simpsons!
  All: Bye!
-- Is it still just me? "Realty Bites"

[shudder] Ohhhh, that old Flanders place gives me the creeps!
-- Homer, "Realty Bites"

% Homer drives the streets of Springfield. Snake drops onto the hood of the
% car.

Homer: Aaaaagh!
Snake: Give me my car!
Homer: This is my car! [beat] And I'm not fat, it's glandular!
-- [cough]3F05[cough], "Realty Bites"

% Marge, thanks to a little hallucination of hers, feels obligated to tell
% the Flanders family the truth about the home they bought.  She visits the
% Murder House, and walks inside only to find the entire family scattered
% around the floor, motionless, drenched in blood!  But it's not blood, it's
% red paint, Ned tells Marge after being woken up by her scream. They were
% painting Todd's room -- pretty messy work -- and they came out here to take
% a break; must've dosed off.

[haunted-like] Redroom. Redroom. Over there!
-- Todd Flanders, "Realty Bites"

% Marge tells them she's glad they're ok, but has something else to tell them.

% Homer and Snake are fighting on in L'il Bandit, as it speeds along the road
% without supervision of the driving.  Snake tries to choke Homer.

Come on, let's hear that snap!
-- Snake choking Homer, "Realty Bites"

% Snake grabs Homer and slings him onto the hood, his shoe slinging off his
% foot and landing on the acceleration pedal, increasing the car's speed.

       [hanging off the tip of the hood, still fighting, on the still-moving
        car.]
Snake: Woah, this is <so> dangerous!
Homer: Yeah, you're right... [continues fighting]
-- "Realty Bites"

[The car whizzes past Chief Wiggum, who is asleep in his car, on the job,
waking him up, startled.] What the..? This is Wiggum reporting a three
eighteen: waking a police officer.
-- Chief Wiggum, "Realty Bites"

% Back at the Murder House, the Flanders have just learned from Marge the
% truth about their new home. They seem to be more excited than bothered.

 Rod: [pretending to stab Todd with an invisible knife] Look, daddy, I'm the
      jealous jockey!
Todd: I'm a torso!
-- Heh heh, you sure are, son, "Realty Bites"

% Snake and Homer, driving faster then ever, rampage through the Murder House
% garden and lift into the air, crashing into the house. Shortly after, Chief
% Wiggum crashes into the house, too, as it crumbles to the ground. Everyone's
% OK, except Snake.

 Homer: Ugh, wow.. lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap. [starts popping
        it.]
Wiggum: Hey, quit hoggin'!
-- After a serious car crash, "Realty Bites"

% At Red Blazer Realty, Lionel Hutz scans through the damages caused to the
% Murder House.

Lionel: A smashed hotrod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house?! I've
        had it with your renogade ways, Simpson, you're a lose canon.
 Marge: But I--
Lionel: And what really fries me is you <returned his check>!!
 Marge: I'm sorry, Mr. Hutz, but I just can't lie to people!
Lionel: [Laughs] You're one of a kind, Marge! And nobody deserves this more
        than you. [slides a new red blazer onto Marge, the tag reads "fired".]
 Marge: [sighs]
-- "Realty Bites"

% OFF are driving home in their ol' car. Marge looks down.

 Lisa: I'm proud of you, mom. You refused to compromise your integrity!
 Bart: Yeah, you did the right thing.. eventually.
Marge: Still, it would've been nice to bring home at least one paycheck.
Homer: Oh, you will, honey... [Homer steers into the Springfield Office of
       Unemployment] ... you will!
-- Quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers, "Realty Bites"

% In the unemployment office, we see several familiar faces. Marge is at
% the front of the queue.

      Marge: Three hundred dollars for doing nothing? I feel like such a
             crook!
George Bush: Don't worry. Gets easier every week.
-- Damn you, George Bush, "Realty Bites"

% OFF smile for the camera, as cheesy music plays.

% Fin.

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dga} Dale G. Abersold
{dp}  Damian Penny
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{je}  Jordan Eisenberg
{ji4} John Isles IV
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{ri}  Ryan Irvine
{th}  Tony Hill

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
[5F06] capsule copyright 2000, Hari Michael Wierny, and The Simpsons Archive.
(The quotes remain the property of Fox, and the reproduced articles remain the
property of their respective authors. I'm just taking credit for the
compilation.) Not to be redistributed in public forum without the permission
of the author.  Quotes and Scene Summary by yours truly.

My thanks go to Benjamin Robinson, who provided me with the a.t.s. archives
when needed.

Hari's final thought:  How many of us have been at the same crossroad Marge
   was at tonight? Road one: Lie to somebody you know and trust for
   personal benefits. Road two: Follow your instincts and do what you know is
   right, and lose out on something -- but it won't be the end of the world.
   Marge chose road one -- the easy road, and she could have hurt the
   Flanders' in a way that could alter their relationship with her and the
   family in a negative way permanently. Marge was lucky, but it's a roulette
   in real life, and if you choose road one, in the end, you're only lying to
   yourself. Take care of yourselves.. and eachother.