In Marge We Trust                                       Written by Donick Cary
                                                       Directed by Steve Moore
==============================================================================
Production code: 4F18                     Original Airdate on FOX: 27-Apr-1997
Capsule revision E (25-Feb-2000)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis  {jmb}
==============================================================================
   After criticizing Reverend Lovejoy for being out of touch, Marge is put in
   charge of counseling parishioners.  Meanwhile, Homer finds his likeliness
   is popular in Japan.

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Couch:          Vend-A-Couch is there.  Homer inserts a quarter and pushes
                button.  Nothing happens and he pounds saying, "D'oh!"  {hl}

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Snowball II trapped between the first and second floors?

Dale G. Abersold:
   ... this is the first episode written by Donick Cary?
   ... one of the stain-glass saints is "St. Donickus"?  (Yes, Donick Cary
       wrote a pretty good episode, but I thought sainthood was a posthumous
       honor).

Jesse Burgheimer:
   ... Homer is also pretty bad at "chunking" memory, as noted by his phone
       dialing skills?
   ... Homer is more fearful of his face on the box than he is of the Japanese
       Mr. Sparkle commercial?  (Which was indeed pretty frightening...)

Vince Chan:
   ... church starts before 8:45 AM?
   ... the clock in the library said 4:10?
   ... Homer dialed 19 numbers?
   ... the Leftorium had left handed umbrellas?

Mike Colgan:
   ... the Japanese in this episode is almost 100% accurate?  (As most viewers
       don't know Japanese, this seems trivial, but the Simpsons' production
       team put some research into the dialogue.)  [See "Comments" section for
       more -- Ed.]

Nathan DeHoff:
   ... Moe apparently has his floor back?  (The shot of Moe's didn't actually
       show the floor, but that bar stool must have been standing on
       something.)
   ... Akira said that Mr. Sparkle is "a magnet for food?"  (Kinda like Homer)
   ... the "No Littering" sign at the dump?

Don Del Grande:
   ... apparently, the last Sunday church service is at 9:00?
   ... at the service, Birch Barlow is sitting next to Mrs. Wiggum, and Kirk
       van Houten is sitting next to Milhouse?
   ... when Marge responded to Principal Skinner's problem, she made it sound
       like she didn't know who he was?
   ... in the 1970s, Reverend Lovejoy had brown hair?
   ... the Hokkaido phone book is in English?
   ... Marge calls Reverend Lovejoy "Tim"?
   ... the sign in front of the church doesn't change for a while (a rarity
       with this church)?
   ... "Old Springfield Library" is not only still functioning, it's open
       seven days a week, and it's open from 8 AM until midnight on Sundays?
       (What municipal buildings are open on Sunday mornings?)
   ... the English-speaking employee at the soap plant has a shirt that says
       "Champions of Winning Superb!"?
   ... the zookeeper sounds like Moe?

Curtis Gibby:
   ... Homer hits the "Vend-a-Couch" sign four times before the Vend-a-Couch,
       well, hits him?
   ... Bart laughs at the title of the I&S cartoon?
   ... in the cartoon, the fish's eyes follow the bulge in the stethoscope
       tube?
   ... Maggie is still sleeping when the family arrives home after church?
   ... Reverend Lovejoy has one of those swinging ball sets in his office?
       {click, click, click}  (You know the ones I mean.)
   ... the sign on the bookshelf behind Homer at the library reads "O 507 - O
       518"? (this was episode number 18 in the production run ...)
   ... the "Matsumura Fishworks" text in the video is written in that
       Macintosh system font?
   ... Flanders is standing on an umbrella rack when the hoodlums are riding
       around, and you can see another rack in the background?
   ... the last monkey to attack Lovejoy has a bare butt?  [Which is correct
       for the species -- Ed.]

Jason Hancock:
   ... the unopened Christmas present still under the rotted tree?
   ... the ornament on the rotted tree?
   ... Ned Flanders had thick glasses in the seventies?  (Contrast that to the
       King of the Hill episode that followed [on April 27, 1997, when this
       episode was first aired], where Hank was shown as having thin glasses
       during the time he and Peggy were dating.)
   ... OFF has spaghetti for dinner?
   ... the Lovejoys have a portable tape recorder in their kitchen?
   ... the Lovejoys have a phone in their basement?
   ... the Japanese dialogue is closed-captioned in Japanese?

Joe Klemm:
   ... the weasel talking on the cellular phone at Hollywood in the Itchy and
       Scratchy short?
   ... Snowball II's is in between the downstairs ceiling and the upstairs
       floor?
   ... the Japanese girl wearing blue doesn't have a line on her own in the
       ad?
   ... Homer had Marge in his arms when in Lovejoy's car?
   ... Bart and Lisa skip school just to find Flanders?

Haynes Lee:
   ... Lionel Hutz in congregation (and first time too)?
   ... Dr. Hibbert is wearing his lab coat in church?
   ... the car with left-handed gear-shift Flanders sold to Burns in
       Leftorium?

Ido Lewit:
   ... Homer knows exactly whom to call in Hokkaido?

Ondre Lombard:
   ... even Marge sleeps in church?
   ... the face resembling Homer on the soap box has anime-eyes?
   ... younger Ned's voice sounds no different than it does now?
   ... Maggie has nothing to eat in the dinner scene?
   ... Homer knows how to say "hello" in Japanese?  (Konnichiwa!)

Ryan Mead:
   ... that in "Deaf Comedy Blam," a dog near Scratchy looks like Poochie?

Dallas J. Pesola:
   ... Dr. Nick was in the 'Listen Lady' line?
   ... "Listen Lady" is one of Moe's catch lines, which he uses when talking
       to Marge?
   ... gas is considered a discount at 1/10 cent less then normal price?

Brian Petersen:
   ... according to my DTMF decoder, Homer's long string of touch-tones when
       calling Japan was: 9 6 5 7 1 5 3 6 1 8 9 6 5 7 1 5 3 6 1

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... Bart and Lisa must be quiet during an "Itchy & Scratchy" that's all
       about loudness?
   ... the Reverend has a small praying hands statue on his bookshelf?
   ... in the flashback, the Reverend drives a VW Karmann-Ghia into town?
   ... while he's driving he's listening to "Jesus is Just Alright by Me," by
       the Doobie Brothers?
   ... Reverend Lovejoy probably met Mrs. Lovejoy in Springfield, since she is
       not with him when he arrives?
   ... as Homer dials Hokkaido, the librarian nervously runs off?  (I expected
       this to amount to something later, but it never did)
   ... today, Reverend Lovejoy's Karmann-Ghia is considerably more banged up?

Marge Starbrod-Simpson:
   ... the Leftorium is open despite the 4F07 incident?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Itchy  {dga}, Sideshow Mel, St. Eleutherius
        {dga}, St. Donickus  {dga})
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Kearney)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Moe, Akira, Librarian, St. Lucian  {dga}, Donny  {dga},
        Zookeeper  {dga})
   - Harry Shearer (Nuclear countdown  {dga}, Reverend Lovejoy, Principal
        Skinner, Ned Flanders, Lenny, St. Bartholomew  {dga}, Announcer
        {dga}, Capt. McAllister)

- Special Guest Voices
   - Sab Shimono (Mr. Sparkle executive  {dga}, Mr. Sparkle  {dga}, Reporter
        {dga})
   - Gedde Watanabe (Factory foreman  {dga}, Factory worker  {dga}, Japanese
        tourist  {dga})
   - Frank Welker (Angry animals  {dga})

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Dolph, Jimbo)
   - Denise Kumagai (Dancing Woman #2  {dga})
   - Tress MacNeille (Agnes Skinner)
   - Karen Maruyama (Dancing Woman #2  {dga})
   - Maggie Roswell (Maude Flanders, Helen Lovejoy)

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + Def Comedy Jam (TV series)  {jk}
      - parodied in title of Itchy and Scratchy cartoon

   + French atom bomb testing  {hl}
      - the "Itchy & Scratchy" episode refers to this (see "Personal Comments
        & Observations"

   - "Super Mario Land" (Nintendo video game)  {il}
      - the airplane Itchy flies with is very similar to the one Mario and the
        princess are flying with when you finish the game

   - "It's Flashbeagle Charlie Brown" (cartoon special)  {rm}
      - scene where Homer falls asleep in church, tilts head and hitting chair
        yelling "Damn It!" reminiscent to scene where Peppermint Patty falls
        asleep in school, tilts her head and gets her nose stuck in binder
        yelling "Ow!"

   + Mr. Clean (detergent)
      - a cleaning detergent with bald guy on it  {hl}
      - name "Mr. Sparkle" similar to "Mr. Clean"  {bjr}

   - "Time Out of Joint," by Philip K. Dick (book)  {ek}
      - subplot similar, including finding an odd box at the dump
      - ~ rifling through strange phone books for a number to call
      - Homer's wondering if there was some secret significance to his face
        mysteriously showing up on a box with strange markings

   - "Church Chat" ("Saturday Night Live" skit)  {ol}
      - this skit featuring the "Church Lady," similar to the "Listen Lady"

   - "Help" (movie)  {em}
      - the scene where everyone is searching for Ned is very reminiscent of
        The Beatles calling "Ringo!"

   - Busch Gardens (theme park)  {djp}
      - the Tampa Bay theme park also has a train that travels through
        wildlife areas on the park grounds

   + Habitat for Humanity (charitable organization)  {rmb}
      - the Habitat for Huge Manatees is a pun on the name of this
        organization, which builds houses for the homeless
      - [R. Maitland Baxter also points out that this is the organization
        Jimmy Carter is affiliated with -- Ed.]

   - "Speed" (movie)  {il}
      - the part when Lovejoy and the baboon are facing each other on the
        train is similar to the scene which ends with the death of the bad guy

   + "Conquest of the Planet Of The Apes" (movie)  {djp}
      - the title of Rev. Lovejoy's sermon refers to this 1972 movie, which
        was the fourth in a series if five "Ape" films

   + "The Charge of the Light Brigade" (poem)  {hl}
      - "Cannons [baboons in Lovejoy's version] to the left of me.
        Cannons/baboons to the right of me"

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Homer wearing reading glasses  {djp}
   - [8F01] Reads "Reading Digest" in bed
   - [9F09] Goes over the family finances
   - [1F04] Assists a donuts fashion show
   - [2F10] Studies marketing
   - [2F13] Goes over the phone bill
   - [3F07] Figures out Bart's punishment
   - [3F11] Reads "The New Our Caddies Ourselves" in bed
   - [3F12] Figures out his food order bill at IRS Burger
   - [4F04] Reads "Hot Lotto Picks Weekly" in bed

- Monkey Attacks: (from the When Animals Attack(tm) list)  {hl}
   - [7F11], [8F20] "The Happy Sumo"  {ol}
   - [8F16] Rev. Lovejoy points an advice-seeker randomly to the Bible  {ol}
   - [9F01] Homer fights going to church in the morning  {ol}
   - [1F11] Organ monkey attacks teenage Homer's face
   - [1F21] Sideshow Mel attacked by orchestra of monkeys
   - [3F05] News report of a bunch of escaped infected confused and irritable
            monkeys roaming the expressway
   - [4F18] Baboons attack Ned Flanders in monkey pit (well, d'uh!)

- Ned bugs Rev. Lovejoy about minor things  {ol}
   - [7F08] After he throws Homer out his house
   - [8F16] After Rod swears
   - [3F01] After learning Bart, Lisa and Maggie haven't been baptized

- [7F08] Flanders phones Rev. Lovejoy concerning minor crises  {hl}
- [7F11] The family goes to a Japanese restaurant  {hl}
- [7F11], [8F20] The Happy Sumo restaurant  {jh} {nd}
- [7F23] Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney in the general area of the Leftorium  {mss}
- [7F23] Flanders opens "Leftorium"  {hl}
- [9F01] Homer doesn't want to go to church  {jh}
- [9F05] Japanese couple at the zoo was looking at the slanty shanty  {nd}
- [9F06] Homer keeps pumpkins way past Halloween [cf. The Christmas tree]
         {hl}
- [2F13] Bart (cf. Homer) makes an international call  {jh}
- [2F13] International calls has lots of numbers to dial  {il}
- [2F31] Japanese couple at the zoo bought a map from Bart in "A Star Is
         Burns?"  {nd}
- [3F01] Reverend Lovejoy indulges his hobby of model railroading  {nd}
- [3F03] Kiddie zoo-train  {hl}
- [3F16] Bart and Lisa watch I&S late at night  {mss}
- [4F04] The Doobie Brothers are mentioned  {jh}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Lovejoy's sound effect buttons  {hl}
   - ambulance, bird, disco siren

- At Lovejoy's first sermon  {jh}

    Front row -- Seymour Skinner, Agnes Skinner, Lionel Hutz
    Second row -- Princess Kashmir, Lenny, Lou the cop
    Third row -- Kent Brockman, Dr. and Mrs. Hibbert, Maggie, Homer,
                 Marge, Bart, Lisa
    Fourth row -- Mrs. Wiggum, Ralph Wiggum, Carl, Ruth Powers
    Fifth row -- Mrs. Krabappel, Milhouse, Kirk Van Houten, Moe

- In line outside Marge's office  {jh}
   - Kirk Van Houten, Ruth Powers, Principal Skinner, Agnes Skinner, Dr. Nick
     Riviera, Ms. Hoover, Larry

- At Lovejoy's second sermon  {jh}

    Front row -- Agnes Skinner, Seymour Skinner
    Second row -- Moe, Mrs. Krabappel
    Third row -- Dr. Hibbert and his children, Lenny

- Gathering outside Marge after second sermon  {hl}
   - Principal Skinner, Lenny, Agnes Skinner, Moe, Hans Moleman, Sideshow Mel,
     Luanne Van Houten, Mrs. Hibbert, Lionel Hutz, bald guy

- At the last sermon  {jh}

    Front row -- Carl, Lenny, Maude Flanders
    Second row -- Bart, Homer, Marge, Maggie, Lisa, Barney
    Third row -- Moe, Principal Skinner, Agnes Skinner
    Fourth row -- Milhouse and Kirk Van Houten, Chief Wiggum,
                  Mrs. Wiggum, Ralph Wiggum

- Church signs  {bjr}

    THE LISTEN LADY
         IS IN

    [later]

      TODAY'S SERMON
     CONQUEST OF THE
    COUNTY OF THE APES

- Old Springfield Library's hours

    SPRINGFIELD
      LIBRARY
       HOURS

      8 - 12
      7 DAYS
      A WEEK

- Factory man's shirt  {bjr}

    CHAMPIONS OF
      WINNING
       SUPERB

- Signpost at the zoo.  ("<" or ">" indicates direction of the arrow) {hl} {bjr}

        AARDVARK >
          PAARK

     <  THE EMU
       EXPERIENCE

       HABITAT FOR   >
      HUGE MANATEES

    BABOON COUNTY, USA >

      < Elephant Cage

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
+  Itchy & Scratchy, part of Krusty's show, airs 4 p.m. on Sundays, unless
   Lisa and Bart are watching The Cartoon Network.  {ol}

+  Itchy's laugh is wrong.  {mss}

*  Since when does Homer say "Damn it!" instead of "D'oh!"?  [Variety is the
   spice of life.  Also, {nd} notes that the cursing would capture the
   churchgoers' attention more quickly than just "D'oh!" -- Ed.]  {djp}

+  In church was Kent Brockman, real name Kenny Brockelstein, who has been
   seen wearing a c'hai (Hebrew for life).  Granted, someone could have given
   him the c'hai, and Brockelstein could just be a German name, but it's more
   likely that this is just sloppy work.  {bw}

-  Helen's hair has always been gray, yet in the opening (when it's shown),
   it's orange.  {ddg}

+  Lovejoy said that they give you 5 Q's and only 2 U's church's signs.  This
   is incorrect, for in episode [8F12] Lisa The Greek the sign said that
   "EVERY SUNDAY IS SUPER SUNDAY," therefore using 3 U's.  {gl}

*  Why is Lisa, the environmentalist, so willing to go the dump?  {nd}

+  Rev. Lovejoy can't have just two "U"'s for his marquee; he needed three for
   the message "Every Sunday is Super Sunday" during [8F12].  {dj}

=  Marge's speech at the beginning of Act 2 is out of sync.  (It appears to
   match what she said, so it doesn't seem to be a rewrite.)  {ddg}

=  The 1970s scene of Reverend Lovejoy with his trains is jerky, as if the
   train was alternating between high and low speeds.  {ddg}

+  If Lenny doesn't have a wife, whose legs was he shaving in "Marge on the
   Lam?"

+  Carl (along with Homer, Moe, and Barney) was at Lenny's house in "Secrets
   of a Successful Marriage."  (Of course, Lenny might have told his guests
   that his wife was out for the night.)  {nd}

=  While dialing the phone, it seemed as if Homer pressed two different
   buttons that produced the same tone, and pressed the same button that
   produced different tones.  {rs}

*  A long-distance call to Japan would begin with 011811.  {ss}

*  Homer makes his call at 4:10, but the library is only open from 8 a.m. to
   12 p.m.  [{ddg} thinks this "12" is "12 midnight" rather than "12 noon,"
   though -- Ed.]  {bjr}

*  Cutting the cord to a phone's receiver shouldn't disconnect it.  {ddg}

=  At first, all of the bullies circle Ned clockwise, but then Dolph suddenly
   goes counterclockwise.  {ddg}

-  The clock at the Leftorium has no hands.  {jh}

*  It's evidently a school day (when they tire of chasing Ned, the bullies
   say, "Let's go to school").  Yet, Marge yanks Bart and Lisa out of class to
   look for Ned.  {bv}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:  Donick Cary's writing debut results in one of the best
   episodes of the season, and the finest Marge-centric episode since "A
   Streetcar Named Marge" [8F18].  The realistic plot, coupled with a more
   surreal subplot, works excellently.  There was no lack of laughs either:
   the "Itchy & Scratchy" bit and the Japanese commercial were two of the
   funniest sequences seen on the series this season.  (A)

Joseph J. Barder:  A mixed episode.  The main story had its good moments (the
   saints berating Lovejoy, for example) but the only really funny part of it
   came at ending with the killer apes.  The thing that really set this story
   apart was the bizarre Homer subplot.  It's a shame that they couldn't think
   of a decent way to end it, so it just tapered off.  (B-)

Rich Bunnell:  Oh, man, this episode was HILARIOUS!  I laughed at both the
   Skinner moments ("I'm not principal of the line, mother!"  "And you never
   will be!") and, like so many people on the newsgroup, I laughed my head off
   during the Mr. Sparkle commercial!  "You will join me or die!"  Yeah, the
   Marge subplot was kinda boring, but it picked up once Flanders got into it.
   (A+)

Jason Hancock:  Another decent outing; the plot was a little slow at times,
   but the subplot was pretty good even though it ended too soon.  The
   Japanese video and Homer's interrupting the boring church session were the
   highlights in this episode.  And Marge wasn't as bad as she has been in
   recent episodes (3F11 and 3F24 come to mind).  (B)

Joe Klemm:  I loved the whole Japanese subplot, especially the ad itself. As
   for the main plot, it had some clever moments.  Hopefully, Ned and Lovejoy
   will not suffer in their second trip to Baboon County USA unlike the first
   trip.  (A-)

Ricardo Lafaurie:  This was a nice episode that went toward character
   development of secondary characters, which I usually like, and accentuated
   by -- guess -- MR. SPARKLE!  Un no yoi besto washuuuu!!!!  (A-)

Ondre Lombard:  The story moves along in a very disjointed manner, with no
   direction, and it falls flat by act three.  So, in review, it begins with
   Lovejoy showing apathy to parishioners, and ends with him saving Ned from
   carnivorous baboons, which seemed added because Donick Cary didn't know how
   to complete this doomed tale. As for the Homer plot, it was fortunately the
   only remotely delightful part of this story, even though it in no way tied
   in with the Marge-"plot."  Seems like it belonged elsewhere.  The Mr.
   Sparkle ad, however, was classic.  (C+)

Nick Orechwa:  This episode did have its funny moments, including the Itchy
   and Scratchy cartoon at the beginning and topped of with the Japanese video
   that is sent to Homer.  However, the whole Homer subplot, which did have
   potential, fell flat and was almost brushed aside at the end.  The scene
   with Flanders at the end was more corny than funny.  However, it was good
   that a character like Rev. Lovejoy got the spotlight for a show.  (B-)

Chris Pallotta:  Yuck!  What a stretch for a story-line (Both "Mr. Sparkle"
   AND "In Marge We Trust").  This episode was as flat as a five-year-old can
   of Coors Light.  Could the ending be any less believable?  Sheesh!  At
   least we know Ned still runs the Leftorium and Rev. Lovejoy's first name is
   "Tim".  After "Canine Mutiny", I guess the writers were bound for a DUD!
   During Act 3 I was not ROTFL, as hoped.  Instead I was RFRC (Reaching For
   the Remote Control).  (D)

Abhi Ray:  I really liked this episode. It waas probably the best Marge
   episode since her subplot in "$pringfield". The plot was solid. The premise
   at first seemed weak until Flanders entered the scene. The jokes just
   seemed to come constantly. The episode ran very fluently as one of the best
   this season.  (A+)

Mark A. Richey:  Unlike most people on this newsgroup, I liked most of the
   Marge plot.  However, it got ridiculous about the time they discovered Ned
   in the baboon cage.  The "Mr. Sparkle" ad was very funny ("Join me or
   die!"), but the rest of the subplot fell flat.  I should give this episode
   a lower grade, but I still liked it.  (B)

Lee Salem:  Significant inclusion and seamless integration of many different
   characters and storylines, with the brilliant, bizarre and surrealistic
   "Mr. Sparkle" promotional video being the unquestioned highlight.  I
   laughed more during that segment that at all the SIMPSONS episodes this
   season combined!  (A+)

Yours Truly:  The main plot of this show isn't bad, but it's overshadowed by a
   funnier subplot.  The endings of both plots could stand a little reworking,
   though.  On the plus side we do get a hilarious Funny Video (TM), and some
   very good background on Reverend Lovejoy.  About average as "Simpsons"
   episodes go.  (B)

AVERAGE GRADE:  B+ (3.28)   Std Dev.: 0.8061   (19 reviews computed)

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Now _that's_ timing

Dale G. Abersold:  An episode about Marge volunteering at the local church
   coincided with an important summit on volunteering in America, featuring
   such respected American figures as Colin Powell and Jimmy ("history's
   greatest monster") Carter.


>> Multiple Voices ...

 - Dale G. Abersold provides bios for tonight's guest voices

Sab Shimono previously appeared in "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish"
   [7F11] as the apprentice sushi chef.  His previous credits include "Gung
   Ho" (both the film and short-lived television series), and the new release
   "Paradise Road."

   Gedde Watanabe also appeared in both film and television versions of "Gung
   Ho".  He is also remembered for his role as the exchange student in
   "Sixteen Candles."

   Karen Maruyama has had small character roles in many films, most notably
   "Pulp Fiction" and "The American President."

   Denice Kumagai has also had character roles in several films including
   "Clear and Present Danger" and the seminal Vietnam film "Go Tell the
   Spartans."  She is best-known, however, for playing Quon-Le (Mac's wife) on
   "Night Court."


>> Meta-reference corner

Benjamin Robinson:  Marge says, "Nobody is watching us right now," and the
   family looks around self-consciously.  Of course, <we> are watching them
   right now.  (I didn't get this until the second viewing.  Kudos to the
   staff for having a not-immediately-obvious reference.)


>> Le Boom

Benjamin Robinson explains:  Tonight's "Itchy & Scratchy" drew inspiration
   from recent nuclear bomb testing conducted by the French in or near
   Polynesia.  After years of complying with a "gentleman's agreement" not to
   test (I say that because I don't know if France signed the Nuclear Test Ban
   Treaty), France abruptly reserved its decision and announced it would have
   a test explosion of a nuclear device.  The decision met with sharp
   criticism by other governments and environmental groups such as Greenpeace,
   which was very effective if the effect was to have France explode the bomb
   right on schedule.  To date [1997], there are no future tests planned, but
   I don't believe the French ever came right out and said that there would be
   no further testing.


>> In Rev. Lovejoy's tape collection ...

Dallas J. Pesola:  The Doobie Brothers' second single from 1972-73.  Cracked
   the top 40 at #35.  Used in Rev. Lovejoy's flashback scene.  The version we
   heard didn't sound like the original recording by the Doobies.  It may have
   been someone doing a cover.


>> The world's most economical sports car ...

Benjamin Robinson:  ... it's just not the most powerful.  At least, that's how
   Volkswagen pitched its Karmann-Ghia.  The popular little car was built
   around a Beetle chassis and drive train, and was offered as a coupe as well
   as the featured convertible.  If Reverend Lovejoy bought his new in the
   mid-Seventies, he got one of the last ones.  VW discontinued the line after
   the 1974 model year because it would cost too much to meet the new safety
   and pollution control regulations.  Notice that when Lovejoy and the gang
   go looking for Ned, they all pile into the Karmann-Ghia.  A real-life K-G
   owner would laugh at this; it's barely a two-passenger car, let alone five.
   The "rear seat," for example, is little more than an upholstered package
   shelf, and anyone bigger than Maggie would have a tough time fitting.
   Perhaps Marge can be persuaded to bring her station wagon for future
   searches.


>> What was on that box, anyway?

Chris Browne has this answer:  My reception had severe ghosting, but being a
   student of Japanese, I was pleased to be able to read Sparkle's quote on
   the Box.  As far as I could tell it was "Hawai kuriin" or Hawaii Clean,
   though I *may* have miss-read the characters for the first word, with the
   double images and all (what does Hawaii have to do with it anyways?).  If
   anyone knows for sure, please post :)

   I wish I had taped it, just to put the commercial away with the rest of my
   collection of Japanese commercials :)


Justin Lee Massengale has suggests another possibility:  I had a little
   trouble with the speech balloon on the box:  Seemed to me like it said
   "HAWAA  KURIIN !"  I wonder of the first word was intended to say "PAWAA" (
   = "Power clean!").  Another poster read "Hawaii", which doesn't really make
   sense either, but come to think of it now I don't remember exactly what the
   last letter of that word was.


>> Conversational Japanese

Justin Lee Massengale writes...:  But I'm surprised that Homer knew the word
   "Konnichiwa!"  (= hello)


... and Bill Thacker responds:  Remington Micro-screen shavers.  Remember
   Victor Kiam, the guy who made famous the line, "I liked the shaver so much,
   I bought the company" ?  Years ago he did commercials here in the US,
   boasting that he was selling his shavers in Japan and showing clips of him
   doing commercials, in Japanese.  The Japanese ads started with
   "Konnichiwa!"

   Well, if *I* remember that, Homer *has* to remember it.  :-)  Either that
   or he picked it up at the sushi restaurant.


Allyson Taylor also has an intriguing theory:  Remember the episode where
   Homer was the voice of Poochie?  Homer was asked if he ever listened to how
   funny his voice sounded on tape, to which he replied "No, I prefer to
   listen to Cheap Trick".  At the end of Cheap Trick's 'Heaven Tonight' CD,
   about a minute after the last song ends, there's a little musical ending
   (sounds like it was recorded live - or at least the crowd sounds were added
   in for that effect).  This end piece, which only lasts about 30 or 40
   seconds has no lyrics, except the melodic shouting of, you guessed it,
   "Konnichiwa".  Thus, it shouldn't be a surprise that Homer would know...


>> That rake, er, phone scene...

Many people thought the scene where Homer calls the Mr. Sparkle factory was
   overlong.  Justin Massengale has a theorizes why this happened:  as someone
   else noted, it [the phone scene] was severely drawn out. About half way
   through, I found myself saying, "Alright, this had better be REAALLLy
   funny."  Later on in the show I noticed Marge had a line which seemed
   particularly badly lip synched.  Sorry I don't remember exactly where this
   was, but it was part of a longer line which started out with something like
   "Oh, don't be silly.  ...  " followed by a longer declarative sentence.
   The first part was quite out of synch but the rest was fine.  Maybe the
   phone scene was extended to fill in for time removed in a last-minute
   dialogue change?


Dan Crow thinks there may have been a point to this scene, after all:  As a
   Brit living in California, this looked to me a lot like a skit on the awful
   business of dialing abroad from the US.  To phone back to Britain, I dial

   1 800 9 19 19 19 011 44

   *then* I dial the UK area code (four digits) *then* the UK phone number
   (another six digits) for a total of 26 digits.  I'd guess that it is
   similar for dialing Japan, or anywhere else outside of the US.


>> Where is Springfield?  (Part #837)

Marc Wasserman does a little sleuthing:  Homer calls Japan during the day in
   Springfield (after all, the library was open) and also during the day in
   Japan (after all, the Mr. Sparkle factory was open, making the detergent,
   and taking calls).

   But that can't happen east of the Mississippi River.  On Central Standard
   Time, when it's 8 AM (the time a library could open) it's 10 PM in Tokyo,
   and when it's 5PM (the time a library would probably close) it's 7 AM the
   next day in Tokyo - Mr. Sparkle's factory wouldn't be open yet.

   The only way to get crossover of times would be if Springfield is either on
   Mountain or Pacific Standard Time - somewhere in the western United States.

   [D. Sikula noted this assumes the factory isn't run around-the-clock --
   Ed.]


>> Conversational Japanese, Part II

Dave Tallman and Kevin R. Gowen II go above and beyond the call of duty,
   translating the Japanese in the commercial for us:  Ok, now for an attempt
   at transcribing the Japanese of the Mister Sparkle commercial.  Note:  I'm
   a novice in Japanese, so this may have a lot of mistakes.  I've also made a
   literal translation that is even worse than the one in the commercial.

   Aka ni taishite burei da!  Yoguri ni yoberu!
   I am disrespectful/rude to dirt!  I can call out/remove dirt/filthiness!
   Subtitle: I'm disrespectful to dirt!

   Honki da yo!
   I am indeed serious!
   Subtitle: Can you see that I am serious?

   Kore!  Minna doke!  Burabura shiteru tokoro ja nai!
   Hey you!  Everyone out of the way!  This is no place for loafing!
   Subtitle: Out of my way, all of you!  This is no place for loafers!

   Ore to issho ni nasu ka, shinu ki ka?  [or possibly "shi no ki ka"]
   Will you accomplish something with me, or will you die?
   Subtitle: Join me or die!  Can you do any less?

   Aa!  Isamashii houmu rogo desu ne?
   Ah!  It's a courageous home logo, isn't it?
   Subtitle: What a brave corporate logo!

   Misutaa Supaakoru no charengi ni ojimasu!
   Let's respond to the challenge of Mr. Sparkle!
   Subtitle: I accept the challenge of Mr. Sparkle!

   Ausuma pauwa!
   Awesome power!

   Natsu yasumi no keikaku wa aru deshou?
   What might you do with yourself for summer vacation?
   Subtitle: What are your plans for summer vacation?

   Misutaa Supaakoru!  Un no yoo besuto washuuuuuu!
   Mister Sparkle!  Luck's best wash!
   Subtitle: For lucky best wash, use Mr. Sparkle.


Hisashi T. Fujinaka adds:  People were questioning whether the Mr. Sparkle
   commercial was really Japanese.  I can say for certain that it was really
   BAD Japanese.  You'd think they could at least find someone who spoke
   Japanese as a native language and not someone who's just learning it.  They
   sounded like the American version of PINK LADY or something.


Brad Bizzolt argues:  Call me crazy, but I thought this was the point.  Each
   language, when loosely translated into English, tends to sound ridiculous
   to our ears.  Japanese tends to have this lofty, mock-philosophical "land
   of wind and ghosts" type of quality to it when sentences are translated
   literally.  I thought this was just a spoof of this fact, and in usual
   "Simpsons" fashion took it overboard for the purpose of humour.  I also
   thought they pulled it off perfectly.

   [I figured that Fujinaka was questioning the pronunciation or accenting of
   the speaking voices in the commercial, much the way our friends in
   Australia objected to the accents in "Bart vs. Austrailia (2F13)."  But Mr.
   Bizzolt is right in pointing out the rough translation was probably
   deliberate -- Ed.]


Meanwhile, on <alt.tv.futurama>, Michael Morbius writes:  The Japanese in the
   *Simpsons* Mr. Sparkle promotional video was also fake Japanese (one or two
   words were real but when shown the tape, my two Japanese friends said it
   was nonsense).


Hmmm.  The plot thickens.  Thomas L. Rochestro answered:  How well do your
   Japanese friends know English?  How well do they know American culture?  I
   wouldn't put it past somebody to watch this and not think it's worth
   translating because it's just silly ranting about washing powder - and then
   saying "it's nonsense."

   My Japanese is rather limited (about 300 words and 400 kanji) so I can't
   speak to the commercial segment (where Mr. Sparkle says that he's
   disrespectful to dirt) but I can speak to the rest of it.

   The Japanese accents were excellent -- I laughed so hard when the people in
   the park saw Homer and said mi-s-ta su-pa-ku-ru!  When Homer called the
   company, the person answered the phone with the correct greeting (moshi
   moshi) and then said "eigo ga hana-[something something]" (or something
   close to it) which is "he speaks English" -- also the way he turned the
   phone over without saying a word to the "gaijin" is, I understand, typical
   Japanese.

   That they would go to those lengths and then only have "one or two words"
   in the other segment does not seem likely to me.


Michael Morbius:  I'm also a Japanese fan; I've been learning it for three
   years.  I sat down with my dictionary and whatever knowledge was in my head
   at the time and tried to translate every single sentence as best I could.

   It does seem like a terrible waste of effort to make up a bunch of nonsense
   Japanese when they have Sakai and Tsumura on-staff *and* Watanabe (English-
   speaking factory worker) and Shimono (video presenter and "My skilled hands
   are busy!" from "One Fish...") as guest voices and could easily write the
   proper Japanese.  But there you have it.


Thomas L. Rochestro:  Especially (sp?) since you said they said it was
   "nonsense."  I'd describe "my washing powder will violenty particulate your
   dishes" as nonsense, even though it's real English.

   I've had people tell me that simple expressions are "untranslatable" simply
   because they didn't know how to translate them.  (I'm thinking of one
   particular German woman who spoke English very well in regards to the
   greeting "Taegchen!")


>> Fishbulb's true inspiration?

Brian Jaudon suggests where the writers may have gotten the idea for the
   subplot:  I remember Conan O'Brien saying in an interview once that Matt
   Groening has a big collection of Simpsons merchandise from other countries.
   He said that some of the things kind of look like mutated versions of the
   characters, weird Bart Simpson dolls from Brazil and things like that.


>> Conversational Japanese, Part III

The Mr. Sparkle video brought up some memories for Vince Radford:  Thanks to
   anime I'm fluent at "Americanese".  Americanese is nothing more than a
   bunch of gibberish with distinct Japanese sounding overtones.  In high
   school I had everyone convinced that I knew true Japanese until a friend of
   mine who is Japanese-American invited me to his house for dinner where he
   promptly introduced his grandmother (who just "happened" to be visiting
   that day and hardly knew any English) and encouraged me to "get to know"
   her.  Well I won't get into detail, but my little charade was painfully
   exposed ... seeing that Mr. Sparkle bit brought back some funny memories.


>> The OTHER Ten Commandments

 - Haynes Lee, with contributions from Jason Hancock, presents this Flanderized
   version of the Ten Commandments

NED FLANDERS TEN COMMANDMENTS

   1   Thou shalt not have any gods before Flanders'.

   2   Thou shalt not make onto thee any graven images in the form of tacky
   Fox merchandise.

   3   Thou shalt not take the name of diddily-doodily Lord in vain.

   4   Remember the Sabbath day by having a barbecue.

   5   Only Maude and Ned are fit parents.

   6   Thou shalt not kill people, animals, insects, or houseplants

   7   Thou shalt not wear any woman's dresses other than your wife's.

   8   Thou shalt not accept gifts without declaring them on your income tax.

   9   Thou shalt not weasel out of jury duty.

   10   Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, nor his wife, car, rec
   room, motor home, leaf-blower, satellite dish, CD changer, camping
   equipment, pool table, laser printer, Nintendo, tape deck, health plan,
   videocam, riding lawnmower, barbecue, camera, beer fridge, beer selection,
   trampoline, spice rack, cell phone, home entertainment system, VCR, CD
   player, fishing rod, camp stove, sleeping bag, tool box, CD-ROM drive,
   Pentium, rollerblades, running shoes, furniture, microwave oven, mountain
   bike, skis, tennis racket, basketball hoop, power boat, yacht, television,
   wardrobe, home gym, power tools, grandfather clock, CD collection, caller-
   ID system, Internet provider (especially if thou art stuck with AOL), golf
   clubs, gym membership, electric toothbrush, dental plan, frequent flyer
   points, fax machine, Richard Simmons videotape collection, lawn furniture,
   cable variety, china ware, china cabinet, stove, refrigerator, convection
   oven, steak knives, rotor-rooter, septic tank, summer house, personal
   hygiene, silverware, home renovations, lawn, flower bed, bird house, lawn
   hammock, university education, graduate degrees, freemason membership,
   clock radio, ham radio, water pump, video disc player, 8-track player, home
   alarm system, double pane windows, halogen lamps, Rolex watch, summer home,
   tax bracket, accountant, lawyer, hardwood flooring, plush carpets, pure-
   bred dog, parrot, commode, tree house, tool shed, jungle gym, garden tools,
   aquarium, luggage, back pack, exercise equipment, radial tires, treadmill,
   humidifier, ice cream maker, snow blower, diehard battery, chainsaw, water
   cooler, water heater, water filter system, humidifier, vacuum cleaner,
   carpet sweeper, typewriter, clock radio, walk-in closet, coffee maker,
   ironing board, wardrobe, lazy boy, coffee table, Stairmaster, walking
   weights, china, silverware, jewelry, cake mixer, water sprinkler...


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  E. PLURIBUS MARGE


Ben Weiner notes:  I'm guessing that Haynes Lee is not a Latin enthusiast as
   his alterna-title for this show is  E. PLURIBUS MARGE, which translates to
   Out of[.] many, Marge.  The period is unnecessary (e is a word in Latin,
   not an abbreviation).  In Marge we trust in Latin would be something like
   fîdimus Marge.  [In Mr. Lee's defense, "E Pluribus Unum" is a U. S.
   monetary slogan, along with "In God We Trust."  Using "Fidimus Marge" may
   be grammatically more accurate, but then you lose the parallel.  Besides,
   it's just the alterna-title -- Ed.]


Don Del Grande provides the next two items:  More proof this isn't a Roman
   Catholic Church: the RC version of the Ten Commandments say that the only
   two things "thou shalt not covet" are "thy NEIGHBOR'S wife" and "thy
   neighbor's goods" - nothing about coveting your OWN wife.

   "The Lord only asks for an hour a week!"  "Well, in that case, he should
   have made the week an hour longer!"  Does this mean Homer is willing to go
   to church the day Daylight Savings Time ends?


Joe Klemm gives us these next two items:  The Man Without a Face is a 1993
   film that marked the directorial debut of Mel Gibson.  In it, he stars as a
   disfigured man who helps a boy in learning for a military like school he is
   going to.

   Game Boy is a portable video game system by Nintendo.  The system comes in
   two sizes and six different colors.  The games played on the system can be
   played in black and white or, if you have a special device for the Super
   Nintendo, in color.


Jason Hancock:  The song playing in Lovejoy's car during the seventies is
   "Jesus is Just All Right" by the Doobie Brothers.


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% Early Sunday morning finds Bart and Lisa in front of the television
% set, trying to watch "The Itchy & Scratchy Show" without waking Mom
% and Dad.  After all, it would be a shame to miss:
%
% "Itchy & Scratchy in:  Deaf Comedy Blam"
%
% Itchy, dressed as a doctor, walks into the hospital's ear trauma
% ward.  Scratchy is a patient there, strapped to a bed.  Itchy slaps
% his stethoscope on the cat, and pulls the sensor part of the
% instrument down the stairs, and out the front door of the hospital.
% He hops into a cab, and goes to the airport, where he catches a plane
% for the South Seas.  Landing on an Island where the French are
% conducting nuclear weapon tests, Itchy points the sensor towards the
% blast site.  Boom!  The sound pulse from the explosion travels down
% the stethoscope's sound tube like a mouse down a python.  It travels
% under the sea, past a Hollywood weasel chatting on his cell phone,
% over hill and dale, until it reaches Scratchy in the hospital.  The
% sound literally goes to Scratchy's head, which swells to several times
% its normal size, and then pops like a balloon.  A dog in the next bed
% shushes Scratchy's headless body.  The End.
%
% Bart and Lisa laugh themselves silly at this (who wouldn't?), which
% wakes up Marge.

Marge:    [sits upright, holding the covers to her neck]
          Oh, my goodness!  Kids!  Homer!  We're late for church.
          [drops covers, revealing her church clothes]
          I'm glad I dressed last night.
Homer:    Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to
          do around the bed.
Marge:    Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer:    Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer.
          [mumbles]  Lousy God.
Marge:    Mmmm.
-- "In Marge We Trust"

% The family does make it to church that day, only to discover that
% Rev. Lovejoy's speech on the nine tenants of constancy isn't quite as
% exciting as that morning's "Itchy & Scratchy."  Homer nods off, knocks
% his head on the pew in front of him, and yells "Damn it!"  The
% momentarily distracted Lovejoy loses his place, and elects to start
% his sermon over again.  (Now, the rest of the congregation is probably
% thinking, "Damn it!")  The Reverend's wise words allow the
% congregation to know the inner peace that can only come from being
% sound asleep.  Lovejoy rouses the people with a sound effects
% generator that he had installed.
%
% The Simpsons return home, glad to finally be done with church for the
% day, and immediately change into their everyday clothes.

Marge:       Hey, calm down.  You're wrinkling your church clothes.
Homer:       Who cares?  This is the best part of the week.
Lisa:        It's the longest possible time before more church!
Marge:       Church shouldn't be a chore; it should help you in your
             daily life.
Homer:       It should but it doesn't.  Now, who's going with Daddy to
             the dump?
Bart + Lisa: Me!  Me!
Marge:       The dump?
Homer:       We're going to get rid of the Christmas tree.  It's
             starting to turn brown.
             [pan to the tree, which is now a brown, dry pile of
             needles and kindling]
             Wanna come with?
Marge:       No, no, I don't feel like going to a trash pile today.
Homer:       It's your life.  We'll bring you back something nice.
             [Homer and Bart carry out the remains of the tree]
-- "In Marge We Trust"

% Instead of the trash pile, Marge visits Rev. Lovejoy, who is putting
% up next Sunday's church sign.

Lovejoy:  Can you believe it?  They give you five "Q"s and only two
          "U"s.  What a world.
Marge:    That's crazy.
Lovejoy:  So, what's on your mind, Marge?
          [cut to Lovejoy's office]
Marge:    Sermons about constancy and provicitude [?] are all very well
          and good, but the church could be doing so much more to reach
          out to people.
Lovejoy:  Oh, I don't see you volunteering to make things better.
Marge:    Well, okay, I will volunteer.
Lovejoy:  I wasn't prepared for that.
-- Be careful what you ask for, "In Marge We Trust"

% At the dump, Homer and Bart struggle to get the Christmas tree out
% the car window.  They succeed, but strip all the needles off, so they
% carpet the floor of the car.  With the chores out of the way, it's
% time for some fun.

Homer:    Okay, who's up for some scrounging?
          [begins to scrounge, coming up with a basketball, deflated
          into a bowl-like shape]
          Hey, here's a perfectly good basketball half.
Lisa:     I found a Malibu Stacey with no head.
          [a rat pops up from Stacey's torso]
          Aah!  [drops Stacey]
Homer:    [laughs.  A raccoon emerges from the "basketball hat" and
          attacks Homer]
          Aah!  Oh, my God!  Help me Lisa!
-- When Animals Attack, "In Marge We Trust"

% Bart interrupts the fight, claiming to have found something
% unbelievable.  He leads Homer and Lisa to a box half-buried in the
% muck.  It has a cartoonish (relatively speaking) picture of Homer on
% it, along with strange writing.

Lisa:     What the heck is that?
Bart:     Maybe it's a box from the future.
Lisa:     It looks Japanese.
Homer:    What's going on?  Wha -- why am I on a Japanese box?
          [babbles worriedly]
-- Bart uncovers a mystery, "In Marge We Trust"

% Marge finishes up helping Lovejoy around the church.

Marge:    All done.  I swept the aisles and put all the collection
          plates in the dishwasher.  Oh -- and you wouldn't believe how
          many dead pigeons there were in the organ.
Lovejoy:  Marge, you are a real timesaver.  Do you know, thanks to you,
          that I discovered a form of shame that's gone unused for 700
          years?
Marge:    [impressed] Wow.
          [phone rings, and Lovejoy answers on speakerphone]
Lovejoy:  Lovejoy here.
Skinner:  [on phone]  Reverend, this is Principal Skinner.  I'm facing
          a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn.
Lovejoy:  All right.
Skinner:  Mother's gone too far -- she's put cardboard over her half of
          the television.  We rented "Man Without a Face" -- I didn't
          even know we had a problem!  What should I do?
Lovejoy:  Well, maybe you should read your Bible.
Skinner:  Um, any particular passage?
Lovejoy:  Oh, it's all good.
-- Timeless advice, "In Marge We Trust"

% Marge isn't convinced the Reverend was all that helpful.  Lovejoy
% brushes her off as being too idealistic.  He tells Marge about what
% happened to him after he graduated from seminary school.  "The Sixties
% were long over and people were once again ready to feel bad about
% themselves," he says.
%
% Flash back to the mid-Seventies, as a younger Reverend drives to his
% new church assignment.  He barely has time to set up his office when
% he gets his first customer -- Ned Flanders.

Flanders:  Reverend, I'm, uh, I'm afraid something terrible has
           happened.
Lovejoy:   Well, sit down and rap with me brother, that's what I'm here
           for.
Flanders:  [sits]  I was talked into doing a dance called "The Bump,"
           but my hip slipped and my ... my buttocks came into contact
           with the ... buttocks of another young man.
Lovejoy:   [pause] I ... see.
           [voice-over]  Then the calls began.
           [dissolve to shot of the Reverend at the dinner table, on
           the phone with Flanders]
Flanders:  Well, I, I think I may be coveting my own wife.
           [cut to shot of Reverend playing with a small train set]
           I'm meek but, I could probably stand to be meeker.
           [cut to shot of the Lovejoys in Paris]
           I, I ... I think I may have swallowed a toothpick.
Lovejoy:   Finally, I just stopped caring.  Luckily, by then it was the
           Eighties, and no one noticed.
-- Reverend Lovejoy's cautionary tale, "In Marge We Trust"

% Cut back to the present.

Marge:    But you can't let a few bad experiences sour you on helping
          people.
Lovejoy:  Oh, sure I can.
          [the phone rings]
          [shudders]  You handle it.  [leaves]
Marge:    Me?  But I, I, wait I can't, I ...  [picks up phone]  Hello?
          [the screen splits to reveal that Moe is on the other end]
Moe:      Yeah, hi, I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy.  Who is this?
Marge:    Oh, well, this is um, the uh ... The Listen Lady.
Moe:      Yeah, well listen, lady, I got so many problems I, I don't
          even know where to begin here.
Marge:    Okay ... um, why don't you start from the top?
Moe:      All righty.  Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.
Marge:    Aw, that's ridiculous Moe.  You've got lots to live for.
Moe:      Really?  That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been telling me.
          Wow, you're good, thanks.  [hangs up]
          [the phone rings.  Moe has called back]
Moe:      Hi, it's me again.  I've got another problem.  Uh, this one's
          about my cat.  [a cat yowls in the background]  Yeah, shut
          up, I'm asking her!
-- "In Marge We Trust"

% [End of Act One.  Time:  7:16]
%
% At dinner, Homer questions Marge's decision to volunteer at the
% church.  "Do you know," he argues, "that so-called volunteers don't
% even get paid."  Marge explains the benefits of volunteering, but
% interrupts herself when she sees Homer staring at the mystery box.

Marge:    Homer!  Will you get that crazy box of off the dinner table?
          It came from the dump.
Homer:    But Marge, I'm obsessed with it.  Where did it come from?
          What is it a box of?  How'd my face get on it?
Bart:     Hey, if they got a picture of you, that means they can *see*
          you.  They're probably watching us right now.
Marge:    That's ridiculous.  Nobody is watching us right now.
          [family stares nervously at the camera for a few seconds]
-- Nobody but the Neilsens, "In Marge We Trust"

% Homer's search for the truth takes him to The Happy Sumo restaurant.

Akira:    [on phone] Hai ... Hai ... Hai ... Bye.
          [hangs up and turns to Homer, Bart, Lisa]
          Hi.
Homer:    Akira, can you read this for me?  [hands Akira the box]
Akira:    [reading] Ah, yes.  This is a product called, "Mr. Sparkle."
          Very popular dish detergent.  Hey, [points to box
          illustration] he looks like you.  Ah!  Ah - ha!  Ah!  Ah!
Lisa:     What's he saying?
Akira:    He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs.  He boasts
          that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Lisa:     Wow.
Akira:    Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson.  This soap is
          from the sacred forests of Hokkaido, renowned for its
          countless soap factories.
Homer:    [thoughtfully] Hokkaido, eh?
-- Yes, the land of sparkly clean forests, "In Marge We Trust"

% At the First Church of Springfield, the Listen Lady is in.

Lenny:    See, all along I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty
          queen.  Now, he's coming over for dinner.
Marge:    Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she
          looks like.
Lenny:    No, no, no, no, no, it's worse than that.  I don't even have
          a wife.  I just said I did to, you know, be a big shot.
Marge:    Oh.  Well, it's time to start telling the truth.  Now, when I
          have to tell my husband the truth, I cook him a big,
          delicious dinner.  By the time he's done eating, he's too
          full and tired to care what I have to say.
Lenny:    Wow, that's great!  When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him
          'till he don't know what's what.
          [Lenny leaves the office.  The camera tracks him to the hall,
          where we see that quite a line of advice-seekers has formed]
Agnes:    Seymour, I'm getting tired.  Tell them we're going next.
Skinner:  Well, I'm not principal of the line, mother.
Agnes:    [accusingly]  And you never will be.
-- Marge has her work cut out for her, "In Marge We Trust"

% Homer chases his lead to the old Springfield library.  He asks the
% librarian for a Hokkaido, Japan, phone book, and for use of the phone.
% After assuring the unwary librarian that he will only make a local
% call, Homer stealthily (and lengthily) dials the Mr. Sparkle factory.
%
% Across the world, as a line of men soberly inspects detergent powder,
% a phone rings.  The Mr. Sparkle factory foreman answers.

Foreman:  [in Japanese] Hello?
Homer:    Yes.  This is Homer Simpson from America.  Who may I say is
          speaking to me?
Foreman:  [in Japanese] He speaks English.  You take it.  [hands phone
          to a worker]
Worker:   [heavily accented] Hello, chief.  Let's talk, why not?
Homer:    Hello?  Why am I Mr. Sparkle?
Worker:   You like Mister Sparkle?
Homer:    Well, I am Mr. Sparkle.
Worker:   You have many question, Mr. Sparkle.  I send you premium
          -- answer question, hundred percent!
Homer:    Hmmm!
-- "In Marge We Trust"

% As the Listen Lady, Marge's popularity in church soon outstrips the
% Reverend's.  Soon, the Reverend can't even finish a sermon without
% being interrupted by people praising her name.  After services, the
% parishioners file past Lovejoy and crowd around Marge, seeking her
% advice.  For her part, Marge is now confident enough to treat Lovejoy
% as her secretary ("Tim, hold my calls").  Dejected, Lovejoy walks back
% into the church.

Lovejoy:        Hmmm.  I'm a shepherd without a flock.  [looks
                heavenward]  What have I done to lose them?
St. Eleutherius:[comes to life in a stained glass window, surrounded
                by a bright light]
                The real question is:  What have you done to keep
                them?
Lovejoy:        [gasps] St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia!
St. Eleutherius:That's my name, don't wear it out.
St. Bartholomew:To inspire men, you must be brave.  I introduced
                Christianity to Mongolia.  It didn't take, but it was
                worth a try.
St. Lucian:     Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done
                to inspire the hearts of men?
Lovejoy:        Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.
St. Donickus:   I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and
                that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
Lovejoy:        Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to
                be friendly.
St. Donickus:   You ... you're just lucky God isn't here.
                [the light fades, and the saints return to their
                repose on the windows]
-- A disturbing vision, "In Marge We Trust"

% Marge gets a call from Mrs. Lovejoy, who is looking for a way to perk
% up her despondent husband.  Probably just needs a day or two to
% himself, advises Marge, who is confident that the Reverend will bounce
% back.  Mrs. Lovejoy doesn't seem convinced, but thanks Marge all the
% same.  The camera cuts to Rev. Lovejoy sitting at the controls of his
% train set.

"Attention, HO-scale passengers.  The dining car is closed.  Root beer
is still available, but the cost is now six-fifty.  If the passengers
will look to their right, you will see a sad man.  That is all."
-- Reverend Lovejoy, "In Marge We Trust"

% We briefly interrupt this capsule to let you know that:
%
%          *** The Mr. Sparkle video sequence begins here ***
%
% Homer and Bart watch TV.  Lisa runs into the room, waving a package.

Lisa:     Look, we got a package from the Mr. Sparkle company in Japan.
Homer:    Ooh!  [opens package, but only Styrofoam packing peanuts
          spill out.  He holds the package up to his eye.  A videotape
          tumbles out and bonks Homer in the face] Ow!
Lisa:     It's a videotape.
Homer:    Put it in!  Put it in!

          [Lisa does so.  The video opens with a shot of a heavyset man
          lounging in a sunken bathtub, the kind often seen in Japan.
          He puts down the cigar long enough to address the camera]

Man:      [heavily accented]  Oh, hello, American investor.  I see you
          are interested in distributing Mr. Sparkle in you home
          prefecture.  You have chosen wisely.  But please -- don't
          believe me.  Observe this commercial.

          [begin commercial.  A Japanese housewife wearing semi-
          futuristic (in the "Jetsons" mode) clothing loads a
          dishwasher.  She pulls out a whistle, which summons Mr.
          Sparkle.  His head jumps off the Mr. Sparkle box, and floats
          in mid-air.  True to his name, bright sparkles fill the air]

Mr. Sparkle: [in Japanese; subtitled]
             I'm disrespectful to dirt.  Can you see that I am serious?

          [having no arms or legs, Mr. Sparkle scrubs the dishes clean
          by rubbing up and down with his head.  The housewife is
          delighted with her clean dinnerware.  Mr. Sparkle flies into
          the next room, where a baby is playing with a toy xylophone.
          He amuses the child by bouncing on a few keys, and then flies
          off.  In the next scene, he appears deep beneath the ocean,
          where a trio of dancing women hang out (where else?) on the
          sea floor.]

Mr. Sparkle: Out of my way, all of you.  This is no place for loafers!
             Join me or die!  Can you do any less?
Women:       What a brave corporate logo!  I accept the challenge of
             Mr. Sparkle.
Woman #1:    Awesome power!

          [an inset box appears in the upper left corner of the screen,
          showing a windup monkey toy banging a drum.  Mr. Sparkle
          demonstrates his awesome power by blowing up a strong wind of
          heart-shaped symbols.  The wind transforms the dancing women
          into Sumo wrestlers.  (I am not convinced this is an
          improvement.)

          Mr. Sparkle flies over a cow pasture.  A reporter is
          interviewing a two-headed cow.]

Reporter:  What are your plans for summer vacation?

          [the cow spots Mr. Sparkle floating overhead, and is so
          surprised she shatters.  Her four eyes hover in mid-air for a
          second, then fall to the ground and blink.

          Cut to a screen where Japanese slogans spiral to a vanishing
          point at the center of the screen.  Mr. Sparkle appears at
          the center and heads toward the camera, rotating in the
          opposite direction.]

Announcer: For lucky best wash, use Mr. Sparkle.

          [Mr. Sparkle blinks.

          Homer, Bart, and Lisa don't quite know what to make of this]

Bart:     Bor-ring!
Homer:    That didn't explain anything.  All I know is that they stole
          my face and used it for their stupid logo.  There's no other
          explanation.
Lisa:     Wait, look!

          [cut to the TV screen again]

Announcer: [in English]
           Mr. Sparkle.  A joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks [a
           smiling fish appears on the left half of the screen] and
           Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern
           [a light bulb appears on the right half of the screen.  The
           two logos meld to form -- Mr. Sparkle!]
Lisa:      Hey!  It was all a coincidence.
Bart:      Yep.  There's your answer, fishbulb.
Homer:     Well, it was a good ride while it lasted.  Come on kids,
           let's go home.
Bart:      We are home.
Homer:     That was fast.
-- Mystery solved -- 100 per cent!  "In Marge We Trust"

%
%           *** The Mr. Sparkle video sequence ends here ***
%
% You may return to the capsule now.
%
% At church, Marge consoles Cap'n McAllister on the loss of his
% GameBoy.  Just as soon as he leaves, Ned Flanders calls.  Jimbo,
% Dolph, and Kearney have been hanging around the Leftorium, and Ned is
% afraid "they could start slacking at any moment."  Marge suggests Ned
% tell the boys to go away.  Ned does so, but the advice backfires.
% Instead of leaving (as they were about to do on their own), they stare
% menacingly at Ned.
%
% Ned calls Marge back and tells her that things have gotten worse.
% They indeed have -- now the boys have chaired Ned, circling him on
% their mini-bikes like wolves circling a wounded deer.  Marge tells Ned
% to "lay down the law," but Ned isn't up to the task.  When he tries to
% get one of the boys to talk to Marge, they cut the phone line with a
% pair of scissors.  Marge, thinking Ned has hung up and unaware of his
% situation, sits and waits for the next call.  The water cooler burbles
% peacefully.
%
% The next morning, Mrs. Flanders visits Marge.  Maude asks if Homer
% came home last night.  Somewhat surprisingly, he did -- but the real
% shocker is that Ned didn't.  Jimbo's gang pursued him all night, and
% the chase is still on as we speak.
%
% [End of Act Two.  Time:  17:05]
%
% This time, it's the Listen Lady who needs some help.

Lovejoy:  [walks into the room]  Yes, Marge?
Marge:    Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice.  Now he could
          be in real trouble.
Lovejoy:  [exasperated] What happened now?  Did he swallow a paper
          clip?
Marge:    No, he's disappeared.  Oh, I'm in way over my head.  I mean,
          where do the helpers turn when they need help?
          [Lovejoy looks out the basement window.  As if on cue, a
          bright light streams through the glass and an organ can be
          heard.  The camera pulls back to reveal that Marge has
          accidentally backed into the keyboard]
Marge:    Eh?  [stands up]  Sorry.
-- "In Marge We Trust"

% Confident again, Lovejoy answers the phone when it rings.  It's Ned,
% calling from the gas station where the gang stopped to refuel their
% mini-bikes.  Marge asks where he is, but Ned can only read the price
% from the gas station sign -- $1.49 and eight-tenths.  This is the clue
% Marge and Lovejoy needed:  Ned is at Donny's Discount Gas.
%
% Lovejoy, Marge, Homer and the kids form a posse to find Flanders.
% Crowding into Lovejoy's tiny car, they ride out to Donny's.

Marge:    Donny?
Donny:    What?
Marge:    Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans?
Donny:    I see lots of stuff.
Lisa:     Did you see that?
Donny:    Yes.  [points to the zoo across the street]
-- Mr. Observant, "In Marge We Trust"

% At the zoo, Jimbo and the boys break off their pursuit.

Jimbo:     Muh.  Looks like we lost him.
Dolph:     Yeah.  Well, we proved our point.  He'll think twice next
           time he tries to defend his business.
Kearney:   [yawns]  I'm sleepy.  Let's go to school.
           [the trio motors off]
           [camera pans to Flanders hiding in the bushes]
Flanders:  They're leaving.  The ordeal is over.
           [a baboon jumps onto the bushes.  Ned screams]
-- Spoke too soon, Ned, "In Marge We Trust"

% Reverend Lovejoy and the Simpsons search the zoo, calling out to Ned.
% A Japanese tourist couple sees Homer and immediately recognizes him as
% Mr. Sparkle.  Homer takes time out to greet them in their own language
% ("Konnichiwa").
%
% Suddenly, Ned screams again.  The family quickly pinpoints the sound
% as coming from Baboon County, which is the zoo's name for the baboon
% pit.  They rush up to the rail and, sure enough, there's Ned,
% surrounded by a troop of angry baboons.

Flanders:  Help, what do I do?
Lisa:      Play dead!
Homer:     No!  Run around in circles!
Bart:      No, act like a lion!
Marge:     Swipe at the dominant male!  Come on, Ned, knock that monkey
           down!
-- Sure could use the Listen Lady at a time like this, "In Marge We
   Trust"

% The zookeeper comes by, and is astonished to find that there's a man
% in the baboon area.

Marge:     You've got to get him out of there.
Zookeeper: Jeez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder,
           it's really bad for their society.
Bart:      They're going to kill him?
Zookeeper: Eventually.  First, they'll eat his skin.
           [the family gasps in horror]
Homer:     Ew.
-- Stuff they don't show on "National Geographic" specials, "In Marge
   We Trust"

% Flanders is trapped in a tire swing set up for the baboons.  One of
% the animals tries to sever the rope with a rock.  Flanders yells out
% his last requests -- a fancy funeral with a big coffin and lots of
% jewels.  As the baboons close in, a train whistle sounds.  Reverend
% Lovejoy has commandeered a kiddie train that runs along a mountain in
% the baboon pit.  He reaches down and grabs Ned just as the tire drops
% into the crowd below, and hauls him into the train.  But they're not
% out of the woods yet.  Two baboons jump onto the train.

"Say your prayers, you heathen baboon!"
-- Reverend Lovejoy, "In Marge We Trust"

% Lovejoy grabs a tree branch and swings around like a gymnast, using
% his momentum to kick the two baboons back into their yard.  A third
% baboon leaps onto the train.  Lovejoy uncouples the cars, and he and
% Flanders ride to safety while remainder of the train stays with the
% baboons.

Bart:     Wow.
Lisa:     Oh, those poor monkeys.
Marge:    They started it.
-- Putting the blame where it belongs, "In Marge We Trust"

% Ned expresses his gratitude for Lovejoy's bold rescue.

Flanders:  You saved me, Reverend.  You really went above and beyond.
           Thank you.
Lovejoy:   Oh, don't thank me, thank Marge Simpson.  She taught me that
           there's more to being a minister than not caring about
           people.
Flanders:  [chuckles] Amen.
-- Yeah, there's also beating up monkeys, "In Marge We Trust"

% As the two men talk, the train heads back to Baboon County.  The
% cries of the baboons suggests they know who's coming ...
%
% ... but it looks like Lovejoy will live to fight another day.  For
% now, he has the Sunday church crowd enthralled with retelling of the
% rescue of Ned Flanders.

Lovejoy:  Baboons to the left of me.  Baboons to the right.  The
          speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs.  A
          pair of the great apes rose up at me but -- bam, bam! -- I
          sent them flying like two hairy footballs.  A third came
          screaming at me ... [imitates hissing baboon]
          [quietly resolved] ... and that's when I got mad.
Homer:    Now, that's religion.
-- Amen, "In Marge We Trust"

% With a brief organ flourish, the episode fades to black.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time: 21:19]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{bv}  Ben Varkent
{bw}  Bob Wells
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dga} Dale G. Abersold
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{djp} Dallas J. Pesola
{ek}  Ellen Krejci
{em}  Emily Marcroft
{gl}  Greg Litvin
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{il}  Ido Lewit
{jh}  Jason Hancock
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{mss} Marge Starbrod Simpson
{nd}  Nathan DeHoff
{ol}  Ondre Lombard
{rm}  Ryan Mead
{rmb} R. Maitland Baxter
{rs}  Russ Schumacher
{ss}  Stephen Schenck

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
transcript itself is Copyright 1998 Benjamin Robinson.  This capsule has been
brought to you by Mr. Sparkle USA.

Thanks also to Dale G. Abersold for his help with the voice cast; I would have
been up a creek without it.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.

Many thanks to Dave Hall and Frederic Briere, who provided me with
alt.tv.simpsons archives when needed.  This capsule wouldn't be nearly as
complete without their invaluable help.