The Old Man and the Lisa                          Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                     Directed by Mark Kirkland
==============================================================================
Production code: 4F17                     Original Airdate on FOX: 20-Apr-1997
Capsule revision C (25-Feb-2000)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis  {tls}
==============================================================================
   Penniless from a series of bad investments and counsel from yes men, Burns
   asks help from Lisa, who turns him into a profitable recycler. Then Burns
   takes things a nasty step further to increase his dividends. Pro wrestler
   Bret "The Hit Man" Hart has a voice cameo.

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Couch:          The family living room becomes the scene of a giant Whack-A-
                Mole game, with the family members serving as "moles."  Homer
                gets whacked by the mallet, prompting a "D'oh!"  Recycled from
                [4F08].

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... when she sees Burns, Maggie pantomimes a pistol?
   ... Smithers still has his collection of Malibu Stacy dolls?

Don Del Grande:
   ... the trash on the scale weighs 72 pounds?
   ... Smithers was born in 1954?  (25 years after the 1929 crash)
   ... despite Smithers having the most seniority and knowing the most about
       the plant, Lenny was put in charge?
   ... Burns' mental dictionary does not include the word "rich"?
   ... Homer wants Flanders to go broke, despite what happened the last time
       he wished that it happened?
   ... Lisa actually wants Homer to get drunk just for the cans?
   ... the check was dated 4/27/97?  [{bjr} noticed that this was the
       originally scheduled airdate for this episode, before Fox moved it up a
       week.]

Jason Hancock:
   ... Homer throws books by (Charles) Dickens, Leon Uris, and (William)
       Faulkner away?
   ... the Springfield Savings ATM and real estate magazine rack by the
       grocery store's doors?
   ... this is the second episode this season (the first being 3G01) where the
       Generic Teenager is seen?
   ... the hardware store sells nails for five cents?
   ... the gumball machine at the hardware store?
   ... the can of Coca-Cola (red with a white ribbon) lying on the grass?

Sean Hughes:
   ... Springfield is now on the coast?
   ... Burns has an evil grin when trying to GIVE someone money?

Darrel Jones:
   ... Lisa's check is for $12 million?

Joe Klemm:
   ... the dictionary from Homer Defined appears again?
   ... Burns leaves his office at 1:55 PM?
   ... Smithers' Malibu Stacy collection on one of his shelves?
   ... the grocery cart is rolling towards the open road?
   ... the obituaries bulletin board at the rest home?

Haynes Lee:
   ... Burns did not pay the bus fare?
   ... Smithers is 42 years old?
   ... Burns dictionary considers Smithers a "running dog"?

Ondre Lombard:
   ... Marge didn't sleep with her cap on?  (Perhaps why her hair got all
       weird)
   ... Lisa even awoke Maggie?
   ... Skinner must've paid off his mother because he's driving a station
       wagon now?
   ... Homer wears a tie that doesn't have stripes on it?
   ... ointment on Smithers' shopping list?
   ... this is the first time we've seen a public transportation bus in
       Springfield?
   ... Mr. Burns goes shopping even though he doesn't have any money?
   ... Mr. Burns didn't pay for his ride on the bus?  (perhaps why he got that
       askance look from the driver)
   ... the town apparently hasn't forgiven Mr. Burns for his major
       mistreatment to the town in 2F16?  (Not even Maggie?)
   ... Krusty himself is buying his own cereal?
   ... "Pops" is a cereal, and Krusty calls Mr. Burns "pops?"  (It's just
       interesting the scenario associated with the word)
   ... Lisa makes Homer drink Duff until he's sick instead of giving him Buzz
       Cola?
   ... how long Lisa waits before she rescues the fish from the six-pack ring?

Cole Rieger:
   ... Lisa doesn't mind that Homer is drunk?
   ... Homer stops drinking beer on his own?
   ... Bret Hart is missing his trademark logo and four stars on his wrestling
       gear?  (The four stars are symbolic of his children)
   ... Burns leaves the picture, despite the fact that Bret Hart said he could
       have it?
   ... There is only one leaf on the tree outside the staring window?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... at the recycling center, Skinner crumples up a piece of paper and
       tosses it out the window?  [So much for recycling -- Ed.]
   ... Burns' hair flutters from the force of Bret "Hit Man" Hart's yelling?
   ... Burns got more for the recycling facility than he did for the power
       plant in "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (8F09)"?

Liam J. Scanlan:
   ... the documents are yellowed even though they seal in a folder?
   ... Mr. Burns can beg for himself now?
   ... Mr. Burns has been to or lived in New York City?
   ... the old folks keep old medication bottles instead of throwing them
       away?
   ... Barney appears twice this episode and doesn't belch?
   ... Lenny is apparently a worse boss to have than Burns?

Brandon Starr:
   ... one of Homer's two hairs atop his head has "bed hair" after sleeping on
       the couch?
   ... Burns' brain dictionary has the old-fashioned binding style?
   ... Burns' brain dictionary's page goes from ragamuffin to saboteur?
   ... and he uses the word ragamuffin in reference to Lisa immediately
       afterwards?
   ... true to his nature, Burns has an old-fashioned ticker tape which
       apparently has run nonstop since at least September, 1929?
   ... Burns' net worth chart says at the bottom, "prepared for you by
       Chartco?"
   ... Homer gets the kind of drunk where your eyelids become dark, like Bart
       did on St. Patrick's Day?
   ... the milk cartons turn from blue to white/pink just as Burns turns from
       blue to yellow after escaping the dairy case?
   ... Springfield Retirement Castle has an Obituaries message board?
   ... Lisa's kite has an oddly Lisa-like design on it?

Bill Thacker:
   ... [As Monty's] bus departs and Burns sits next to Barney, a supermarket
       sign is visible through the bus window?  (i.e., there was a grocery
       across the street and Burns didn't recognize it.)

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Krusty, Big-nosed lawyer  {ol}, Grocery store
        supervisor  {ol}, Grampa, Barney, Zombie-recycler man  {ol})
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph, Nelson)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria ("Uh, Colonel?", "Blah!", Yes-man, Uriah  {ol}, Burns'
        Groundsman, Grocery clerk, Chief Wiggum, Senior Dance instructor
        {ol}, Moe)
   - Harry Shearer (Movie Announcer  {ol}, Principal Skinner, Burns, Smithers,
        Lenny, Kent Brockman, Dr. Hibbert)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Bret "Hitman" Hart (Himself)

- Also Starring
   - Tress MacNeille (Real Estate Agent, Zombie-recycler woman  {ol}, "Code
        Blue" lady  {ol})

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "The Old Man and the Sea" (book)
      - episode borrows the title -- but nothing else -- from the Ernest
        Hemingway novel

   + Junior Achievement (civic organization)  {jh}
      - the Junior Achievers modeled after this nebulous partnership between
        local businessmen and schools.
      - [{bjr} says:  Supposedly, the businessmen were there to teach modern
        commerce practices, or recruit new slave labor, or indoctrinate future
        consumers; I was never sure which]

   + Uriah Heep (novel character and band)
      - "Uriah's Heap" recycling center is named for one of the characters in
        "David Copperfield" by Charles Dickens.  {jh}
      - a band from the 1970's, which lives on as the inspiration for the
        Uriah's Heap recycling drop-off  {hl}

   - "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls" (movie)  {jk}
      - the shrieking that Bret Hart and the real estate agent hears

   - Quisp (cereal)  {ddg}
      - here, it's "Kwisp"

   + Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher Satchel Paige  {nd}
      - Grampa's "angry up the blood" is taken from a Satchel Paige aphorism,
        "Avoid fried foods, as they angry up the blood."

   + "That Girl" (TV series)
      - the whole scene where Burns persuades Lisa to help him is a spoof of
        this series' opening credits
      - on the show, which starred Marlo Thomas, a conversation at the
        beginning would always end with someone pointing to Thomas and saying,
        "That girl!"  Burns does the same thing with Lisa at the rest home
        {bjr}
      - the background music is identical  {hl}
      - Ms. Thomas would run in the park, flying a kite that carried a
        stylized picture of herself.  Lisa flies a kite with such a picture of
        her when Burns starts chasing her  {bjr}
      - at one point, Burns winks at Lisa from a store window.  On the real
        show, a mannequin winks at That Girl.  Also, the mannequin in the
        store looks just like the one next to Burns  {bjr}
      - both Ms. Thomas and Ms. Simpson ride around on a carousel  {bjr}

   ~ "Animaniacs!" (TV series)  {av}
      - "Ta Da Dump, Ta Da Dump": plot of this short is Pesto Goodfeather (the
        Joe Pesci pigeon of the Goodfeathers) getting his head caught in a
        six-pack ring.
      - "Dot's Entertainment": similar "That Girl" takeoff with Dot doing the
        That Girl montage when another character points to her and says "That
        girl!"

   + "How the Grinch Stole Xmas" (TV special)  {jk}
      - Mr. Burns stole Xmas from 1981-1985.

   + "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" (song)  {hl}
      - from the Pink Floyd song, from the "Wish You Were Here" album

   ~ "Soylent Green" (movie)  {ddg}
      - Lisa tries to explain to people that recycling is now bad, just as
        Soylent Green is well, I'd better not spoil it in case you've never
        seen it)
      - [Andrew Gill dissents: This scene was never in the movie.  It was only
        in the SNL spoof (a great example of Phil Hartman's abilities, IMO).]

   + "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (movie)
      - a scene were Lisa jumps on the truck and discovers barrels of slurry
        is similar to a scene were Kevin McCarthy sees a truckload of alien
        pods.  {tm} {mm}
      - ~ the townspeople robotically recycling their trash remind me of the
        post- takeover people from the movie  {bjr}

   + Van Morrison's "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You" (song)  {sp}
      - Bart's line to curry Lisa's favor

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Wrestling references on previous "Simpsons" episodes  {hl}
   - [7G07] Jebediah Springfield wrestles bear
   - [7F06] Lisa says it's choreographed
   - [7F06] match featuring Rasputin the Friendly Russian (formerly the Mad
            Russian) vs. Professor Werner von Brawn
   - [7F06] Bart and friends watch pro-wrestling
   - [7F11] Neon sign "The Happy Sumo" with two sumo wrestlers bashing their
            bellies together
   - [7F13] Homer watches pro wrestling from Mexico on cable (you know, down
            there, it's a <real> sport)
   - [8F14] Watching pro-wrestling on Homer's to-do list
   - [8F15] Milhouse imagines Native wrestling alligator
   - [9F05] Groundskeeper Willie wrestles wolf
   - [9F15] match featuring Dr. Hillbilly vs. Iron Yuppie
   - [9F15] Homer's pro-wrestling TV program interrupted by Marge announcing
            that Lisa will need braces
   - [2F05] Homer tells  Lisa "If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and
            it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such
            as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such."
   - [3F07] Bonestorm commercial similar to Macho Man's Slim Jims commercial
   - [3F12] Troy McClure mentions the funeral "Andre the Giant: We Hardly Knew
            Ye"
   - [4F05] Dr. Hibbert says Homer meets all of the state's requirements to
            box, wrestle or be shot out of a cannon
   - [4F17] Well, d'uh!

- [7F01], [7F10], [7F11], [8F23], [9F05], [1F16] Burns fleet of lawyers seen
         {hl}
- [7F10] Burns runs over Bart  {hl}
- [7F21] A Simpson recycles  {ol}
- [7F22], [3F10] Moe uses the word "puke"  {ol}
- [7F22] Burns' book, "Will There Ever Be a Rainbow?"  {jh}
- [7F23] Homer wishes Flanders was broke  {ddg}
- [7F24] Someone is wrongfully committed.  {ol}
- [8F04] References to the dictionary  {jh}
- [8F09] SNPP winds up in the hands of someone else.  {ol}
- [8F09] Burns sells plant to Germans for $100 million, buys back at half
         price  {hl}
- [9F06] Homer drinks too much Duff beer  {jh}
- [9F08], [3F18] Albany, NY, mentioned (assuming the town Skinner talks about
         is indeed Albany, NY)  {jh}
- [9F09] Homer suffers a heart attack  {jh}
- [9F21] "Achy Breaky Heart" is referenced  {ol}
- [1F01] Burns without a fortune depicted  {mss}
- [1F12], [2F20] Smithers' apartment  {ol}
- [1F12] Malibu Stacy dolls on Smithers' walls  {ddg}
- [1F18] A Simpson child walking on the beach with an unlikely adult male
         partner  {mss}
- [2F12] Circus music for the couch scene recycled from the scene where Homer
         sees aflame employees as dancing clowns  {ol}
- [2F15] Burns becomes frozen  {ljs}
- [2F16], [2F20] Burns blocks out sun, shot by Maggie  {hl}
- [2F16] Burns is in SES  {mss}
- [2F20] Homer finds candy ("Eww!  Why is this on the floor??")  {ol}
- [2F22] Lisa flies a kite with someone  {ol}
- [3F05] Same establishing shot of the grocery store, complete with the
         runaway cart  {bjr}
- [3F06], [3G03] Lisa flies a kite  {mss}
- [3F14] Mr. Burns makes attempts at doing things that Smithers usually does
- [3F14] Burns checks his stocks  {mss}
- [3F18] Albany mentioned  {ljs}
- [3F24] Small animal eaten shortly after it encounters Lisa  {hm}
- [3F24] Homer whines that he doesn't feel so good  {ol}
- [3G03] Burns flies a kite  {mss}
- [4F01] Lisa tells other how much an "evil" character has changed, only to
         find that he didn't change at all  {mss}
- [4F02] Lyndon LaRouche is mentioned  {jh}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- JA meeting attendees  {mr}
   - Lisa, Martin, Ralph, Milhouse, Database, Beezee, Alison Taylor

- Signs at the JA meeting  {bjr}

      UP ...             I'M HIGH ...

      [air              [hanglider in
     balloon]           business suit]

      WITH              ON CAPTIALISM!
    BUSINESS!

- Burns' Dictionary (note phonic symbols omitted)  {hl}

    1115 ragamuffin o saboteur

    rag-a-muf-fin n : a ragged often disreputable person; esp. a poorly
    cleaned often dirty child

    rah-rah adj: marked by the enthusiastic expression of college
    spirit

    raid n 1 a : a hostile or predatory excursion b: a surprise attack
    by a small force 2 a : a daring operation against a competitor b :
    the recruitment of personnel from competing organizations 3 : the
    act of mulcting public money 4 : an attempt to depress stock prices
    by concerted selling.

    ran-cid adj : having a rank smell or taste 2 : OFFENSIVE

    ran-cor adj: bitter deep-seated ill will syn   see ENMITY

    rattle snake n : any of the American pit vipers having horny
    interlocking joints at the end of the tail that makes a sharp
    rattling sound when shaken

    reap vb : to cultivate with a sickle, scythe, or reaping machine
    b: to gather by reaping: HARVEST 2: OBTAIN, WIN

    red-skin n (1699) : AMERICAN INDIAN - usually taken to
    be offensive

    reign n: to possess or exercise sovereign power : RULE

    reign of terror : a state of period marked by violence committed by
    those in power: produces wide spread terror

    rel-ic: n: a survivor or remnant left after decay or disappearance:
    a trace of some past or an outdated object or belief.

    re-pug-nant: adj : exciting disgust or averse INCOMPATIBLE :
    HOSTILE

    rogue n : a dishonest or worthless person : SCOUNDREL : SCAMP

    rott-wei-ler n : a breed of black and tan dogs of German origin -
    commonly used as guard dogs

    ro-tund adj : ROUNDED notably plump : CHUBBY : roundness

    running dog n : one who does someone else's bidding : lackey, ie.
    (SMITHERS)

    ru-ta-ba-ga n (1799) : a turnip that usually produces a large
    yellowish root

    ruth-less adj: having no ruth: CRUEL MERCILESS - ruth-less-ly
    adj: ruth-less-ness n.

- Smithers' grocery list  {hl}

    GROCERY LIST:

    CEREAL
    EGGS
    US MAGAZINE
    MILK
    CATSUP
    MUSTARD
    LUNCHEON MEAT
    CABBAGE
    GREENS
    JUICE
    OINTMENT
    SOAP
    MOP
    NAPKINS

- Applauding Burns at the center's opening  {jh}
   - Barney, Moe, Luanne Van Houten, Dr. Hibbert, Mrs. Krabappel, Principal
     Skinner, Ruth Powers, Carl

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
*  Lisa shouldn't object to someone finding recycling fun, as this would just
   encourage them to recycle.  {bjr}

=  In the schoolroom, when Burns and Smithers enter the room, there is a
   window above the door.  When Burns turns to Smithers to find out how much
   he is actually worth now, there is a bell above the door.  Then when they
   leave there is a window again.  {tw}

=  Skinner sits to Lisa's right when Burns sits down with Milhouse on Lisa's
   right at the Junior Achievers meeting.  When Lisa asks a question, she is
   between Ralph and some other kid.  When Burns addresses her directly, she
   appears to be alone.  Then it goes back to Milhouse-Lisa-Skinner.  {sh}

+  Mr. Burns himself has gone to church, as seen in 1F08.  {ol}

+  Burns knows who Lisa is; she was mentioned in the thank you letter from the
   box of chocolates in "Who Shot Mr. Burns?".  {ddg}

+  Lisa already recycles; see "22 Short Films About Springfield".  {ddg}

=  The room with the ticker-tape disappears.  {sh}

+  Didn't Monty used to be a billionaire?  (See [1F21], for instance)  {dga}

+  Burns shouldn't be able to pay for the cheating death procedures in 3G01.
   {sh}

*  Slavery was abolished before Mr. Burns was born, so why would he own stock
   in "Federated Slaveholding"?  {jsh}

+  Skinner's car suffers no adverse affects from hitting the tree.  {sh}

*  If Burns said to take out "another" mortgage payment on the plant, he must
   have already knew about his misfortune.  {ljs}

*  Burns' manor is completely isolated and thus nowhere near the Shrieking
   Sheik's.  {sh}

=  At Burns' House, there are marks on the walls from where the pictures were
   hanging, then in the next scene the marks are gone.  {tw}

*  Hitman tells burns he doesn't want the painting yet Burns leaves it.  {sh}

*  Smithers has more authority than Lenny.  Why doesn't he get the plant?
   {ol}

+  Smithers' apartment looks considerably different from his apartment in
   [2F20].  {dj}

=  At Smithers' House, when Smithers gets up to go to work, there is still a
   bowl and some silverware on the table, then in the next (wide view) all
   this is gone.  {tw}

=  In the wide shot of Smithers' apartment, the broken pieces of the cup and
   saucer Mr. Burns dropped disappears.  {ol}

+  Burns says he will "get these items from the food jobber," but seconds
   later, on the bus, says, "Grocery store please."  {sh}

+  In [2F21], Mr. Burns was shopping at the Quick-e-mart.  Why does he go to
   the other grocery store?  [Note that Marge shops both places occasionally,
   though -- Ed.]  {mr}

+  Krusty should recognize Burns.  {sh}

+  Why would Krusty by his cereal after what happened to him in [2F32]?  {mr}

-  In the establishing shot of the refrigerated-goods aisle, the milk cartons
   appear to be yellow.  When Burns steps out of the freezer, he's holding a
   pink-and-white carton.  {bjr}

+  The best way to pass the time in the retirement castle [used to be]
   watching Matlock.  {sh}

+  Grampa was allowed to read a newspaper before.  In 7G05, he and Jasper
   fight over the daily newspaper crossword puzzle.  {ol}

*  Burns' carousel horse caught up to Lisa's, then fell back, which is
   impossible on a normal carousel.  {ddg}

*  Usually, it's birds and not fish that are reported as the victims of six-
   pack rings.  {ddg}  [Shawn DeArmond adds, "The 6-pack rings get left on the
   beach (and dumps) and birds get their feet tangled in them or (what I've
   actually seen a few times) get their neck in the rings.  (Seagulls
   especially)]

+  Homer wished Ned Flanders would be ruined before in 7F23.  But he saw the
   error of his ways and even helped him get the Leftorium on its feet.
   Besides, Ned already was ruined in 4F07 not too long ago.  {ol}

+  Burns pays for a nail, yet gets a stick free.  {sh}

=  Grampa puts the same four bottles over and over into his recycling bin.
   {ddg}

+  Mr. Burns was unable to unveil the nude painting of himself in 7F18, but he
   seems able to unveil the Recycling Plant.  {ol}

*  You can't simply cut bottle-shaped pieces of glass out of bottles, so why
   bother making the windows like that?  [But see "Comments" section for a
   counter-argument -- Ed.]  {ddg}

=  The windows of the recycling turn into plain glass after Barney's
   appearance.  {ljs}

-  During the close ups of Lisa in the hospital, Dr. Hibbert's hand is yellow
   and not black as it is during the rest of the scene.  {am}

*  What's to stop, say, Homer from doing everything Burns did up to the point
   of adding an ocean-cleanser to a recycling plant, and making a fortune of
   his own?  (Certainly, Burns had to have made quite a few dollars if he
   could build a recycling plant.)  {ddg}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:  In a story about recycling, what could be more natural than
   a recycled plot?  In all, this was a not-terribly-funny episode, unless you
   happen to be one of those addicted to pop-culture references.  I loved
   Burns' factory at the end, and the "That Girl" sequence, but other than
   that, there was little to treasure.  (C+)

Joseph J. Barder:  Altogether, this was a pretty bad episode.  Just like My
   Sister, My Sitter earlier this episode, a Lisa episode starts out with her
   trying to take more responsibility, but ends with a ridiculous catastrophe
   and a horrible ending. Watching Mr. Burns try to shop was hilarious, but
   the whole concept of Mr. Burns constantly revolving around OFF is getting
   old; they all have enough reasons to avoid him like the plague.  (C-)

Jennifer M. Blaske:  I didn't laugh a whole lot during this episode, and the
   plot didn't particularly grab me either.  I thought Lisa, my favorite
   character, was a bit too one-dimensional ("Recycle!  Recycle!  Recycle!")
   and was not sure I enjoyed Burns being meek and mild.  Maybe (hopefully)
   this will be like "The Day the Violence Died," which I liked much much
   better when I saw it again in syndication. By far the funniest part was
   Moe's line, and Maggie's trigger finger and Marge's bed-head were cute too.
   (B-)

Richard Bunnell:  Terrific!  I like almost every Burns episode, and this one
   was great too!  The ending was cliched (Lisa gives Burns back the money)
   but Homer saved the day by fainting and going to the hospital. "Dad, that
   wasn't $12,000, that was ..." "CODE BLUE, WE HAVE CODE BLUE!"  LOL!  (A-)

Don Del Grande:  The S-man is back in form with this episode, even if there
   wasn't any subplot, the main plot managed to be spread out far enough so it
   didn't really need one, and the bit with Homer at the end was a bonus  (A-)

Jason Hancock:  Another run-of-the-mill episode that could have easily been
   better.  I would have liked to see more of Lenny as boss of the plant and
   less of Lisa and Burns, who really wasn't that funny in this episode.
   Also, the "riches to rags to riches again" storyline has been done a few
   too many times before.  (C)

Ryan Johnson:  Pretty much your Ho-hum 8th season Simpsons episode.  A few
   good gags thrown on top of an unrealistic plot followed by an abrupt
   ending. Anyone notice that the writers things to be killing a lot of things
   on the show this season?  Dogs, sea life, soldiers, James Bond ...  Some of
   it is funny because it is well done, but a lot of it seems to be done for
   shock value (like tonight's episode), which isn't especially funny (at
   least that's what it seems like to me).  (C-)

Joe Klemm:  Another simple episode of the Simpsons.  The That Girl bit and the
   beer bottle window joke were among the funny moments in today's episode.
   However, I wish there was more scenes with Bret Hart in it since I love
   professional wrestling.  (A-)

Ricardo Lafaurie Jr:  This was a good, albeit severely uncharacterized
   episode.  Even though Burns was at his best (which is his worst), there
   were some funny lines. ("Re-cy-cling?" is my definite new favorite Burns
   line.)  As the former maintainer of the Mr. Burns/Smithers File, I can say
   that this is a fine episode as long as you don't take it too seriously ...
   (A-)

Haynes Lee:  An overdue but weak Burns episode.  Bret "Hit Man" Hart is one of
   the worst tacked-on celebrity cameos ever.  The fish plant was particularly
   gross.  (C-)

Ondre Lombard:  A somewhat strong showing for the eighth season.  Nice
   development on the inevitable tale of Mr. Burns' downfall (which was
   forgivably unrealistic). Hilarious in various parts.  Highlights?  The
   dictionary, Mr. Burns on the bus, Mr. Burns shopping and in the Retirement
   Castle, Homer getting drunk, and not liking it, the "That Girl" spoof, and
   the ending.  It'd have been better, though, if there was a more evil finale
   from Mr. Burns, so Lisa's decision to not take the money wouldn't seem so
   bad.  But I'll give Swartzwelder the benefit of the doubt, seeing as though
   this is his first Lisa show--and it beats his failure--4F10 "Mountain of
   Madness."  Lastly, Bret Hart's cameo was really useless, IMO.  (B)

Abhi Ray:  I found this episode pleasant and entertaining, but not too
   humorous.  I wasn't crazy about the plot; I felt it was too lopsided.  The
   funniest scene was when Burns walked into the Simpson home and Maggie made
   the finger gun gesture at Mr. Burns.  I also liked the ending where
   everyone turned into zombies.  Other than that, it wasn't great.  (B+)

Aaron Varhola:  Solid Swartzwelder; not as reference-dense as last season's
   "The Day the Violence Died", but with good character development, and rich
   irony in Burns being even more evil when he ISN'T trying.  The supermarket
   scene had me ROTFL.  (A-)

Yours Truly:  Interesting premise, but less-than-stellar execution.  Lisa is
   characterized well enough, but this episode's setup seriously warps our
   notion of Monty Burns. Still, Burns' unlikely partnership with Lisa is
   carried out nicely, and I liked how Burns can turn a good thing like
   recycling to his own ends.  Trivia note: This is longtime writer
   Swartzwelder's first Lisa-centric episode.  (B-)

AVERAGE GRADE:  B- (2.69)   Std Dev.: 0.8700   (24 reviews computed)

NIELSEN RATING: 8.30 (Ranked 38th out of 111)  {ol}

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Stock Market Follies

Benjamin Robinson:  Burns stopped checking his stock ticker in September,
   1929.  That's unfortunate for him, since the stock market crashed on
   October 29, 1929. (Actually, there was a stock dive a few days earlier, but
   this second one is the more frequently recalled.)  This event triggered the
   Great Depression, an economic horror that impoverished most of America.  It
   did not fully end until the nation's entry into World War II.  Ironically,
   Burns' inattention could have saved him, since it prevented a panic sell-
   off.  Suppose he had bought, in 1929, stock in a blue chip company like GM
   or AT&T, then left it untouched for the next sixty years.  Burns' portfolio
   would have ridden out the Depression, benefited from the post-war recovery,
   and be worth a fortune today.


>> ... and now he has a cool house to keep his wrestling trophies!

Joe Klemm:  Bret Hart is a WWF wrestler.  He has held the Tag Team Belt and
   the Intercontinental Belt two times and held the World Title four times.
   Currently (the time the episode first aired), he is mad at US wrestling
   fans.  Lucky for him, Canadians usually watch the show first and since his
   match was switched about with the WWF Title match, he may had a chance of
   seeing his scene in the episode.


Bryce McNeil thought "The Hitman" was out of character:  I just think that
   when he did his voice-over, Hart tried to sound like a typical angry
   wrestler with the intelligence of a molecule.  Those of you who follow
   wrestling will agree with me that that isn't the "Hitman's" persona at all.
   His persona is generally that of a normal person who happens to be a pro
   wrestler.


Aaron Varhola adds:  Bret Hart's mentioning of "Pencil-Necked Geek" is a ref
   to legendary wrestling manager "Classy" Freddie Blassie, whose novelty song
   of the same name has been popular on Dr. Demento for years.  Blassie
   regularly called good-guy wrestlers "pencil-necked geeks".  (I don't know
   if Blassie managed Hart at the beginning of Hart's career, though.)


Tom Hunter observes:  Strange that Bret Hart is moving to Springfield
   (obviously SOMEWHERE in the United States) when he is currently bad-
   mouthing the United States in the WWF.


>> On your shelves now

There's something about breakfast cereal that prompts nostalgia ...


Jason Hancock:  Count Chocula is one of General Mills' "Monster" cereals,
   along with Frankenberry and Boo Berry.  (There may have also been a couple
   others that have since gone off the market, but I'm not quite sure.)  Even
   though they are still being made, they are relatively hard to find these
   days.


Aaron Varhola adds:  Quisp (and Quake) ... two cereals from the late 60's and
   early 70's.  They were similar sugary corn pops-type cereals, with dueling
   ad campaigns; there once was a consumer election as to which one was
   better; Quisp the spaceman defeated Quake the lumberjack (as opposed to
   Quake the time-killing network shoot-em-up).  ["Entertainment Weekly"
   claims Quake was a miner -- Ed.]


>> Which Girl?

Dale G. Abersold provides this bit of insider trivia:  "That Girl", a 1960's
   television series starring Marlo Thomas, whose opening sequence was mocked
   in this episode, was, coincidentally, one of James L. Brooks' first
   employers.  From there, he went to go on to far greater things (Mary Tyler
   Moore, Taxi, feature films, and of course, Our Favorite Series).


>> "When you're good, you're even MORE evil!"

Aaron Varhola writes:  I liked Swartzwelder's take on Burns ... Burns truly
   doesn't grasp that the six-pack rings catching sea life is wrong, but does
   see the profit in it. True, classic Burns; he ends up doing even worse evil
   when he doesn't even set his mind to it; best off, he thinks he's doing
   something good.  :)


>> Where is Springfield, ad nauseum ...

Aaron Varhola speculates:  Pop and beer cans have 5 cent deposits in these
   states: Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, Massachusetts, New York, Oregon, and
   Vermont.  What Burns did is common among derelicts in Oregon, at least;
   many of them scavenge for cans in public places and through garbage cans,
   as many people don't want to carry empty cans with them, and leave the cans
   out for other people to collect.

   (Contrast this to "Three Men and a Comic Book", where Bart says "I need the
   dime" to Apu when he returns a large pop bottle; the only state that has a
   10 cent deposit on bottles is Michigan.)


>> Recycling Plant Aesthetics

Benjamin Robinson comments on the bottle motif at the Li'l Lisa Plant:
   [Responding to Don Del Grande's noted goof, "You can't simply cut bottle-
   shaped pieces of glass out of bottles, so why bother making the windows
   like that?"]  That was my reaction, too.  Then it occurred to me that it
   was an aesthetic decision.  You know, the glass was melted down as it
   normally would be, then the bottle motif was chosen to symbolically
   represent the recycled origins of the glass.  Even if Burns himself didn't
   have the artistic sensibility to think of this, the building's architect
   might.


>> Slurry -- the modern replacement for congreves!

Bill Thacker makes an interesting observation about Li'l Lisa Slurry:
   "Congreves and Flammable Powders", I believe [is the name of one of Burns'
   stocks].  A Congreve was an early type of friction match, named after its
   inventor,  who died in 1828.

   It's ironic, if not intentional, that Li'l Lisa's Fish Slurry can be used
   as an explosive, so Burns' recycling venture ends up filling the same
   market niche' as his outdated stocks.  (Further parallels: Before his fall,
   he ordered part of his portfolio invested in "American hay", and the fish
   slurry can be used as livestock feed.  Others?)


>> Lisa and the Money ...

Another eighth-season episode, another controversy.  Lisa's decision to turn
   down her share of the recycling plant proceeds brought a flurry of
   criticism -- and some of it was even printable -- from people who thought
   she put ideals above practicality.


Dave from AOL sums of the feelings of many who felt Lisa should have taken the
   money:  [Lisa] could have redirected it to one of the many worthy causes
   she espouses.  A very to-the-point case could have been to fight gill-
   netting. Personally, I don't think the issue is so much the source of the
   money as what becomes of it.  Giving it back to Mr. Burns helped neither
   Lisa's family or the fish ...


Doc Quack adds:  If I strongly objected to the actions of the person, I
   certainly wouldn't give back the money!  I'd take it to keep them from
   having it, and if I couldn't use the money due to it's source, I'd donate
   it to the charity of MY choice, in order to improve the world.

   With 12 mill, Lisa could have hired a law firm to stop the actions of that
   ocean dredge.


T. J. Mills:  Nobody in their right mind would refuse a $12,000,000 check!
   You could argue that Lisa was trying to do the right thing, but wouldn't
   she care more about helping her family?  Not as if that kind of thought
   even goes into the show anymore -- a show where Homer can have 4+ heart
   attacks for a cheap laugh.  But that's off the subject ...

   Yeah, sometimes I think it would've been easier if they killed off Lisa a
   few years back, but in a way, they did.  She may look and sound similar to
   the old Lisa, but the similarities end there.


Aaron Varhola felt that Lisa should have looked more closely at long-term
   moral strategy:  I do have an argument with Lisa's turning down the money,
   though.  As much as I admire Lisa's stand against Burns' Animal Slurry, she
   could have used the money to help finance something positive for the
   environment or the people of Springfield, much as Abe did for the
   Springfield Retirement Castle (which he isn't allowed to use anymore).
   Giving it to Greenpeace would have been ironic.  I also see Lisa filing a
   suit against Burns to stop the use of her likeness and name on production
   of "Li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry".

   When I was in college, I won a $5,000 scholarship from the Coors Brewing
   Company.  I'm a liberal and enjoy good beer, and frankly, Coors represents
   all that is evil to both groups.  I didn't turn down the money; I used it
   to help finance my education, which I hope will enable me to support
   progressive causes and support breweries that make good beer.  (Mmmmm,
   raspberry hefeweisen ...).


Benjamin Robinson responds:  In the past, I have wondered what I would do if I
   were in the same situation as Lisa and you, of having to accept "good"
   money from a "bad" source.  I think I would have done the same thing you
   did; I'm not so sure about Lisa.  She is still young and idealistic.  To
   say, "I'll accept money now even from people who represent what I oppose,
   so I can fight them later," sounds like a rationalization, and Lisa isn't
   given to that sort of thing.  An older Lisa, say one who was facing
   imminent tuition bills from Vassar, might accept the money, but not the
   eight-year-old Lisa.


Ondre Lombard defends Lisa's decision:  Lisa doesn't eat meat because she
   doesn't want to kill animals.  She'd be nothing short of a hypocrite to
   accept a $120,000 check (it wasn't $12,000,000) [Oh, yes it was -- Ed.]
   that was earned behind a plant out to kill sea life.  And frankly, I think
   anyone who WOULD accept money that was earned behind killing a buttload of
   sea life has morals that are easy to buy.  The amount of dollars isn't the
   issue, the issue is that Mr. Burns pulled in easily hundreds of animals,
   killed them, destroyed them and turned them into slurry for the purposes of
   aiding man and giving farm animals food (for the purpose of slaughtering
   them, no doubt).  Frankly, even IF Swartzwelder set up a story with the
   inevitable "Moment of [crap]," I support Lisa's decision, and anyone who
   wants her off the series because of it needs to stop a minute and think
   about how easily their morals could be bought off.

   Furthermore, it'd be kind of crazy to use ill-gotten money to do good.
   It's almost hypocritical.  Lisa knows Mr. Burns is evil, so either way, Mr.
   Burns is rich and he gets to continue being evil, only now Lisa doesn't
   have to live with the burden of having tainted money.  And on a more
   technical note, she couldn't take the money, anyway, without it changing
   the storyline.  And for those who have seen "Roseanne," windfalls only seem
   to ruin TV series.


Tara Seeley has several reasons why the ending worked for her:  There have
   been many posts as to how Lisa could turn down a 12 million dollar check.
   Well, to them, I must point out that it's not entirely Lisa's fault she
   didn't take it.  She gave her parents a chance to force her to take it when
   she said, "I can't take that.  Can I?"  She turns to her parents.  They
   tell her to do what's best for her or something to that degree.  So, if
   they really wanted the money, they should have forced her to take it saying
   it's for her own good or that she'd regret it later. They could get away
   with that considering she's an 8 year old, but no, they let her make up her
   own mind.

   Lisa is a vegetarian and the money Burns earned came from the sea. That
   means, the money was made off of the slaughter of sharks, whales, sea
   urchins, shrimps, etc ...  Knowing that, how could Lisa take the money when
   the decision was up to her?  I think she really wanted it, she just didn't
   want to be responsible for it.

   Another thing is, Lisa didn't really do much to help Burns, that I saw,
   except to explain to him he could get 5 cents a can.  She didn't really
   help him collect up the stuff.  She did advise him a little on how to treat
   the elderly who worked for him.  Sure, she did more for Burns than his Yes
   men but "well-earned"?  Okay, she did spend time with him

   which should have been worth something but I doubt she ever suspected she
   would be offered 12 million.

   Maybe this will clear some things up, maybe not.  But, the ending made
   perfect sense to me ...


Michael K. Neylon felt Lisa's actions were in-character [ellipses the
   author's]:  If Lisa had accepted the check, that would have been completely
   out of character for her.  Look at "Lisa the Greek" ... she gave away all
   her Malibu Stacey toys, save her homemade one, because it was bought with
   gambling money.  Same here ... would Lisa be able to go to college/drive a
   car/whatever knowing that that money came from the killing of fish? Yes, we
   know that OFF is always in financial trouble ... that helps set some of the
   plots up ... but they always manage to get by ... they certainly aren't
   that far enough in debt that they need every penny they can get.


Andrew Turley adds:  She is a devout vegetarian. She would never have gone
   along with it, even if he had bought the fish in a more acceptable manner.
   And most of what was dragged up looked rather rare.  Another strike against
   it.  [Donald Martin noticed, "He also snagged whales and dolphins in his
   net."]


Bill Thacker presents what may be the best defense of all:  Besides, if she'd
   taken the money we'd have missed Homer's heart attacks!


>> Burns and the net ...

Even Burns' OmniNet engendered some debate, as Jacob Huebert notes:  Does it
   bother no one else that this latest episode seemed to have a *very* anti-
   capitalistic message?  The whole point of the episode seemed to be:
   capitalism carried out naturally results in someone doing something really
   evil.

   I'm not even so sure that what Burns did was even *so* evil ...  it's not
   like he devastated the entire ocean or anything ... he just thought of a
   way to be environmentally sound *and* catch lots of fish.  :)


Ondre Lombard:  Well, Lisa is a vegetarian because she doesn't like animals
   being killed for food.  (Reasons which clash with my reason for being
   vegetarian, but let's please not debate this anymore).  Therefore, Mr.
   Burns pulling in animals (especially that can't be cooked and served) for
   slurry seems unethical.  Furthermore, a little fishing doesn't hurt the
   ecological balance. Killing nearly all life underneath the sea for the
   purposes of man at the same time recycling is like nursing a sick person
   back to health, and then stabbing them.


Doc Quack adds:  I think that the Burns net is a parody of the Japanese and
   their 30 mile long nets which scoop everything out of the ocean.  They ask
   nobody for permission, and use everything from swordfish to porpoise.


>> Critic Without Pity

[Ordinarily, I don't include long interviews in the capsules, but I thought
   this one was pretty clever.  It's from Chris Courtois -- Ed.]

   Scene::The inside of the House of Evil, where an a.t.s. denizen stands in
   front of a TV set.

   Owner: "The Old Man and the Lisa" is a Mr. Burns episode.  Early in the
   Burns delivers a hilarious capitalistic rant to a school club.

   atser: That's good!

   Owner: But it also contains an overabundance of tired Burns-thinks-he's-
   still-living-at-the-turn-of-the-century gags.

   atser: That's bad.

   Owner: It also gives Lisa a prominent role.

   atser: That's good.

   Owner: But it's the shrill politically correct incarnation of Lisa.

   atser: That's bad.

   Owner: The PC'ness is tweaked in a clever homage to "Invasion of the Body
   Snatchers".

   atser: That's good.

   Owner: But Lisa's overbearing morality costs her family $12 million in a
   totally predictable ending.

   atser: That's bad.

   Owner: There's also some very funny bits with Skinner going ballistic at
   the recycling center.

   atser: That's good.

   Owner: There is also the umpteenth retread of the "Save-an-animal-in-
   trouble- by-throwing-it-to-a-predator" gag combined with a weak Nelson ha-
   ha.

   atser: That's bad.

   Owner: It's a Swartzwelder episode.

   atser: [stares blankly]

   Owner: That's OK, even I no longer know if that's good or bad.

   atser: ...         Can I go now? I'll give the episode a B.


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  "Burns Lisa Burns"


Darrel Jones:  "Achy Breaky Heart," by Billy Ray Cyrus, is the song played at
   the old folks' home.


Haynes Lee:  Lyndon LaRouche - Has run for the presidency six times since
   1976.  Is completely whacko.


B. Moller:  "Shine on you crazy diamond" is a song by Pink Floyd released in
   1975.  the song was written about Syd Barrett a former member of the group
   who was hospitalized for LSD psychosis in the late 60's.


Mike Rumerman:  When Burns set out his "Six Pack" trap, he caught a few
   whales, whales are only found in oceans and therefore on  coasts
   (occasionally they swim into bays).  This shows that Springfield is a
   coastal city!


Brandon Starr:  Hitman Bret Hart, a pro wrestler, refers to Burns as a "pencil
   neck geek"? The novelty song "Pencil Neck Geek" was sung by a pro wrestler,
   "Classie" Fred Blassie.  The song is available on Bart's archenemy's album,
   "Dr. Demento 20th Anniversary Collection".


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {ol}
==============================================================================
% A little after dawn at the Simpsons place, Marge awakens (and has to 
% readjust her hair because it got flattened while being pressed up 
% Vagainst the headboard of the bed) to hear shuffled bottle noises.  
% The noise awakens Homer and Bart, who fell asleep (in their clothes) 
% on the couch while watching the still turned on TV.

And now the thrilling conclusion of "Colonel Dracula Joins the Navy."
-- Quality late-night movies, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% The family finds Lisa in the kitchen rummaging through garbage.

Marge:	[yawn] Lisa, what in the heck are you doing?
Lisa:	Oh, it's for my Junior Achievers Club.  We're trying to 
	earn money by recycling.
Bart:	Oh, recycling is useless, Lis.  Once the sun burns out, 
	this planet is doomed.  You're just making sure we spend 
	our last days using inferior products.
-- Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your 
   newsletter, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Marge likes the idea and decides to help Lisa.

	[Marge puts a six-pack ring in a wastebasket]
Lisa:	Mom, Mom!  You're mixing polyapolane with polyurethane
Homer:	Marge!
Marge:	[in a "so sue me" way] Well, I'm sorry!
Lisa:	And, you have to cut these up first.  Otherwise, animals 
	get caught in them.
Bart:	Only the stupid ones.
-- Lisa tries to earn money recycling, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Lisa still needs paper.  Homer immediately thinks of a source.  He 
% runs out the kitchen and returns with an armful of books, each of 
% which he deposits into a wastebasket while laughing fiendishly.

Dad, you're not supposed to have fun recycling.  This is serious!
-- Lisa, saying recycling isn't FUN-damental, "The Old Man and
   the Lisa"

% Homer says, "Oh, okay" and starts depositing the books with a 
% serious look on his face, while still chortling fiendishly.
%
% At the headquarters of the Junior Achievers Club at Springfield 
% Elementary, Skinner reports that the "load of garbage" they saved 
% has given more money for the field trip to Albany.  The children 
% cheer.  Skinner introduces their guest speaker, who is slated to 
% teach the club about business:  Mr. Burns.  Only Skinner and one 
% other kid are applauding the arrival of Mr. Burns and Smithers.

I'll keep it short and sweet.  Family, religion, friendship.  These 
are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.  
When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity 
hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church.  Or synagogue.
-- Mr. Burns, guest speaking for Springfield Elementary's Junior
   Achievers, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns begins Q&A.

Burns:	  Questions?
	  [somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]
Skinner:  Well, uh, I might take advantage of this rare opportunity 
	  even if you children aren't interested.  Ah, which do you 
	  think is more important?  Hard work, or stay-tunededness?
Burns:	  Are there any _real_ questions?
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Lisa asks Mr. Burns if his plant has a recycling center.  Mr. Burns 
% can't even comprehend what the word recycling means.  "Ree-cy-
% cleeng?"  Zoom to Mr. Burns' head, where we dissolve to an opening 
% dictionary.  The page begins with the word "Ragamuffin" as we scroll 
% down to a series of other tyrannical, threatening R words.  Mr. 
% Burns tells Lisa that he doesn't know what the word means, and calls 
% her a "ragamuffin."  Lisa tells him about how recycling helps Mother 
% Nature, to which Mr. Burns starts spitting upon mother nature for 
% the disasters she's given man.
%
% Mr. Burns states the opinion, "Surely, you agree we can do without 
% her!"  Lisa staunchly disagrees.  Mr. Burns is shocked.  Smithers 
% scolds her for questioning Mr. Burns.  Burns calls off Smithers, and 
% just tells Lisa to shut up because if he listened to people like 
% her, he wouldn't be worth $200 million today.  Lisa, however, read 
% Mr. Burns' "recent" biography, which portrays him as being only 
% worth $100 million.  Mr. Burns looks to Smithers, who hesitantly 
% informs him that he's actually worth considerably less than that.  
% Mr. Burns announces his departure.  Skinner says, "Monty Burns, 
% everybody!" and starts applauding.
%
% In Mr. Burns' office, Burns meets with his council of yes-men and 
% Smithers.

Mr. Burns:	I've called you all here because I need some honest 
		answers.  What is my current financial situation?
Yes-man #1:	Great!
Lawyer:		Great!
Smithers:	I hear great.
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns requests his stock portfolio.  He asks about his 
% Confederated Slavery Holdings.  He again receives more falsely 
% secure reports from his yes-men.  Smithers assures Mr. Burns that 
% he's secure because Mr. Burns managed his stocks.  Mr. Burns, with 
% arrogant confidence, asks for his stock ticker, which reports bad 
% news after September, 1929 -- conveniently right after he stopped 
% checking his stocks.

Burns:		Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market 
		crash!
Smithers:	Um, well... sir, it happened twenty five years before I 
		was born.
Burns:		Oh, that's your excuse for everything!
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns creates a formula for bankruptcy to save his money.  He 
% asks Smithers to sink fifty percent of his money into obviously bad 
% stocks and asks the rest to be invested in the Baltimore Opera Hat 
% company.  "That should set things right again, eh, boys?"  Mr. Burns 
% asks.  The yes-men do what yes-men do, say "Yes."  As soon as Mr. 
% Burns is gone, everyone assumes worried expressions.
%
% Skinner and the Junior Achievers arrive at Uriah's Heap Recycling 
% Center, where Skinner plops down stacks of newspapers.

Skinner:	A half-ton of newspaper and all we get is seventy five 
		cents?  That won't even cover the gas I used to go to the 
		store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles.
Man:		It sounds like _you're_ working for your car-r-r.  
		Simplify-y, ma-an!
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Skinner loads the kids into his car and tells them that they don't 
% have enough money for the trip to Albany, and there is to be no more 
% recycling.  Lisa comments that they didn't do so badly, since they 
% collected enough paper to save a tree.  A frustrated Skinner backs 
% his car up so far it breaks a tree down.  The children start bawling 
% as Skinner drives away.
%
% At Mr. Burns' office, a stock diagram tells him that he is ruined.  
% When he asks the yes-men if he still made the right moves despite 
% his failure, they all say he did.  Mr. Burns finally sees the light.

Burns:		I see it all, now.  You're just a bunch of yes-men.  I 
		was making the wrong moves and you were too gutless to 
		tell me!  Isn't that right??
Yes-men:	Oh, yes, sure, etc.
Smithers:	Right on, sir.
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns asks Smithers to take out another mortgage on the plant, 
% but the bank has already foreclosed on the plant--and Mr. Burns' 
% house.  Smithers offers to help Mr. Burns unpack and move out the 
% bank's house.  Smithers helps a stunned Mr. Burns walk out his 
% former office.
%
% Smithers walks Mr. Burns down the hallway of his mansion and down 
% the stairs.  Meanwhile, wrestler Bret "The Hitman" Hart is 
% considering Mr. Burns' house.

Real Estate Agent:	And, I'm sure a pro-wrestler such as yourself 
			will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman.
Bret:			[sniffs] Eww.  This place has got old-man stink!
Burns:			[feeling insecure] Ooh.
Smithers:		Don't listen to him, sir.  You've got an 
			enchanting musk.
-- Twenty five years of service can warp one's smelling,
   "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% The agent tells Bret that he isn't the only wrestler living around 
% there.  "The Shrieking Sheik lives just three doors away."  We can 
% hear the sound of a freakish shriek.  Bret is won over.  Mr. Burns 
% takes down his self-portrait and approaches Bret.

Burns:	Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait?  To 
	remind me of better times?
Bret:	Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck GEEK?!
Burns:	Yeah.  Why indeed.
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns leaves behind his portrait and leaves the estate glumly 
% with Smithers.  "I'll make sure he forwards your Social Security 
% checks, sir."  "Mm, excellent."
%
% [End of Act One.  Time: 7:01]
%
% Breakfast time at the Simpson house.  Marge reads the paper.

Marge:	Homer, you didn't tell me Mr. Burns went broke and lost 
	the nuclear power plant!
Homer:	Now I can't remember every little thing that happens in my 
	day.
Marge:	You told me about that candy bar you found three times.
Bart:	You found a candy bar?
Homer:	Oh yes.  Gather around, my son, and I shall tell you a 
	tale.
-- A tale of a faithful Mars bar, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% "I normally don't laugh at other people's misfortunes, but on behalf 
% of the recycling community, ha!" comments Lisa.  "It couldn't have 
% happened to anyone more deserving."
%
% Marge is worried that the SNPP was closed, but it wasn't.  Homer 
% says the bank put Lenny in charge.  In Mr. Burns' former office sits 
% Lenny.

[through the intercom]
Attention, everybody... um... oh... uh...  Work harder, bye!
-- Lenny inherits the job as head honcho of the Power Plant,
   "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns is living with Smithers now.  (A dream come true for 
% Smithers, I guess).

Well, sir, I have to get to work.  Lenny's a real bear on tardiness.
-- Smithers begins working for Lenny, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns offers to help out, but only succeeds in dropping a cup 
% and saucer.  Smithers hastily halts Mr. Burns' "help" and tells him 
% to just stay put and maintain his dignity.  Upon Smithers' 
% departure, we see Mr. Burns sitting at the breakfast table and 
% staring, the only noise being a drip from the faucet.  He notices a 
% grocery list and decides to go shopping for Smithers.
%
% Mr. Burns catches the bus.

Burns:	[to Barney] I'm riding on the bus!
Barney:	Hey, aren't you that guy everybody hates?
Burns:	Oh, my, no!  I'm Monty Burns.
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% At the grocery store...

[pushing a cart]
[to a woman]
I'm shopping!
-- Mr. Burns, not losing the common touch, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% In the cereal aisle, Mr. Burns pesters Krusty to help him find a 
% cereal that's "for him."

Burns:	Uh, oh, excuse me, could you tell me where I might find 
	the "Burns-Os"?
Krusty:	Sorry, pops.  They don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.
-- Silly Burnsie, cereals are for somebodies, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

[notices a box of "Count Chocula" cereal with a cartoon of a vampire 
on it]
Hmm.  I suppose this one looks a _bit_ like me.
-- Mr. Burns goes shopping, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% A grocer walks down the dairy aisle and happens by Mr. Burns, who 
% has managed to trap himself inside a refrigerated milk compartment.  
% Blue from freezing, Mr. Burns taps on the door and the grocer opens 
% the door.

Burns:	Oh, thank you, shopee.  I ventured in to search for milk 
	when the door snapped shut behind me!
Man:	Yeah, those dairy cases are death traps.
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns is now trying to differentiate "Ketchup" from "Catsup."  
% He resolves, "I'm in way over my head!"

Grocer:		He's, uh, talking to the ketchup, now.  Burns is sure 
		acting nutty.
Supervisor:	Maybe going broke and losing his plant destroyed his 
		brain.
		[they go to Mr. Burns]
		[Mr. Burns shakes and listens to the "Catsup" and 
		"Ketchup" bottles]
		Could you come along with us, sir?
Burns:		Are you here to solve my ketchup problem?
Grocer:		Yess, that's right.
-- Those bottles won't hurt you ANYmore, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Much like the men in white, the two grocers carry Mr. Burns on each 
% side to Chief Wiggum.  Wiggum takes Burns to the Retirement Castle.

Burns:	But, where are you taking me?  What's happening?
	Wiggum:	Relax.  You've gone off your nut, so we're stuffing you 
	into an old folks' home.  Those, uh, store guys signed the 
	commitment papers.
Burns:	[confused] But I'm shopping!
-- Not anymore, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Meanwhile, at home, Homer is completely drunk from drinking cans of 
% Duff beer.

Homer:	[wobbly] Here you go, honey.  [drops a can of Duff into a 
	bag]
	That's about all the recycling *hic* I can handle today.
Lisa:	Dad, if you just drink one more I'll have a full bag.
Homer:	Oh, but Daddy doesn't feel so good.
Lisa:	Hm.  There's gotta be more trash around here somewhere.
Homer:	Hey, why don't you try the old folks' home?  They 
	practically live in their own filth!
Lisa:	Thanks, Dad!
Homer:	You're welcome, honey ... [passes out]
-- Giving his all for the cause, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% At the retirement castle, Mr. Burns has dinner with Grampa.

Abe:	That's the activity room.  We're not allowed in there.  
	That's the library.  Not allowed in there either.  And 
	don't even think about going into the game room.
Burns:	Egad, man!  How are we supposed to pass the time?
Abe:	Best bet is to stake yourself out a good spot at the 
	staring window.
	[three decrepit old people stare outside a window, where 
	there's nothing but a bare tree with one leaf, standing on 
	grass]
Burns:	[shudder]
-- Mr. Burns winds up at the Retirement Castle, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Decrepit old people rock lifelessly to "Achy Breaky Heart," and a 
% youthful guy in a cowboy hat orchestrates the "party."  He invites 
% Mr. Burns to join in, but he only stares in a "you can't be serious" 
% manner.  "That's the ... spirit," replies the guy.
%
% Mr. Burns turns to the staring window, and muses about how the saga 
% of his life will end.  "If I hadn't surrounded myself with those 
% spineless yes-men..."  Then, Mr. Burns overhears Lisa pressing to 
% get some recyclables.  "That voice!  That shrill, disagreeable 
% voice!  It's her!" says Mr. Burns.

Sorry.  We're not allowed to read newspapers.  They angry up the 
blood.
-- Grampa explains another Retirement Castle restriction to Lisa,
   "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Burns:	You!  That troublemaking girl!
Lisa:	My name is Lisa, Mr. Burns.  Lisa Simpson.
Burns:	It doesn't matter what your name is, you idiot!  What I 
	want to know is, will you help me get my money back?
Lisa:	Hah!  I'd never help you.  You're the worst man in the 
	world.
-- Putting it bluntly, "The Old Man in the Lisa"

% "Yes!  That's the kind of moxie I'm looking for!  You're hired!" 
% says Mr. Burns, grabbing Lisa's arm.  Lisa pulls away, and declines 
% Mr. Burns' rude offer.  Smithers runs into the room.

Sir!  I'm so sorry my grocer committed you.  We'll never shop there 
again!
-- Smithers, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% "Not now, Smithers!  I've got an empire to rebuild!  And the person 
% who is going to help me is -- That Girl!" says Mr. Burns, pointing 
% to Lisa.
%
% Begin a spoof of the "That Girl" opening.  Lisa, That Girl, flies a 
% kite; Lisa in a hat walks down the street and sees a mannequin 
% display of Mr. Burns winking at her; Lisa rides a carousel -- all 
% the while, Mr. Burns following her and begging her to help him.
%
% At home, in accordance with the end of the "That Girl" spoof-music, 
% the Simpsons' doorbell rings.  Homer answers the door.

Burns:	Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns and 
	I want your daughter to help make me rich again.
Homer:	You mean Maggie?
	[Maggie stares at Mr. Burns and gestures her hand like a 
	gun aimed at him]
Burns:	Ahh -- the baby who shot me -- no, I was referring to your 
	other daughter.
-- The girl who would like to shoot him, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Homer calls Lisa, and decides to make small talk with Mr. Burns.  
% ("So, how's life in the gutter?")  Mr. Burns is on his knees, 
% begging Lisa not to refuse him this time.  She considers it and 
% walks down the stairs.

Lisa:	If I did agree to help you, you could only earn money by 
	doing good, socially responsible things.  Nothing evil.
Burns:	Nothing evil.  That's exactly the kind of radical thinking 
	I need!
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns agrees, and Lisa and Mr. Burns shake hands.

Homer:	See that, boy?  Why aren't you making any business deals?
Bart:	[whiney] I'll do it this afternoon!
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 13:24]
%
% On the beach, Lisa and Mr. Burns start picking up recyclable 
% garbage.

Burns:	You mean there are actually people who will pay good money 
	for garbage?
Lisa:	Not good money, really.  Each can'll get you a nickel.
Burns:	Ooh don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa.  A nickel will buy you a 
	steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of 
	cheesecake and a newsreel.  [Lisa looks unimpressed]  With 
	enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery 
	Park to the polo grounds.
Lisa:	There's a can.
-- Worse than a "back in my day..." tale, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Lisa discovers a fish struggling because it's trapped in a six-pack 
% ring.  Lisa tells Mr. Burns that you have to cut those up so fish 
% don't get caught in them.  Lisa frees the fish and dumps it into the 
% water.  Then a shark eats the fish.  Nelson appears, and says "Ha-
% ha!"
%
% Mr. Burns keeps picking up cans and recycling, until he receives his 
% first dollar in change at Uriah's Heap Recycling Center.

Burns:	Well, Lisa, as my adviser, you're entitled to ten percent.
Lisa:	Oh, I'm not doing this for the money.  I'm just happy 
	knowing that future generations will enjoy unspoiled 
	median strips and pristine highway embankments.
Burns:	There's a can.
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% The Simpsons watch more of Kent Brockman's unbiased, award-winning 
% commentary.

Kent:	And from our "It's Funny When It Happens to Them" file, 
	remember millionaire C. Montgomery Burns?  The man who 
	blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy and stole 
	Christmas from 1981 to 1985?  Well guess who's flat broke, 
	and picking up trash for a living?
Homer:	Please be Flanders, Please be Flanders, Please be 
	Flanders!
-- Bill the Boom Mic Operator?  "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% The vagrant in question is revealed to be Mr. Burns, as Kent 
% Brockman approaches filthy Mr. Burns digging through a garbage can.

Kent:	Excuse me, Mr. Burns, now that you're completely ruined, 
	how do you feel?
Burns:	Excellent.  I'm on my way back to the top!  I've turned 
	these cans into can-dos!
Kent:	Weell, you smell terrible -- Good luck to you, sir.
-- Is this going to be like the annual holiday-shelter interview?
   "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Marge:	Wow.  He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking!  
	[laughs]
	[Homer and Bart start laughing with her]
Bart:	Good one, Mom!
Homer:	Oh, you're so bad, honey!
Lisa:	You guys shouldn't laugh at him.  Mr. Burns has changed.  
	He's different now.
Marge:	Yeah, he's broke!  [everyone but Lisa resumes laughing]
Homer:	[congratulatory] Two in a row!
	[Lisa frowns disappointedly]
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% At the Retirement Castle, Mr. Burns supervises a team of elderly 
% people collecting bags of cans and other recyclables.  He takes the 
% time to thank Lisa for getting him back in a business, then bosses 
% around his "employees."
%
% Lisa tells him that he shouldn't bully his workers if he wants them 
% to do a good job.  Mr. Burns discovers another region foreign to 
% him.

Burns:	People, if we meet this week's quota, I'll take you to the 
	most duck-filled pond you ever sat by!
Grampa:	Oh, hot-diggity!  That's how they got me to vote for 
	Lyndon LaRouche!
-- And here Sideshow Bob is building "Matlock" expressways to get 
   votes, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% The "Springfield Shopper" reports Mr. Burns is going to open a 
% recycling plant.

Lisa:	Wow, even _I_ didn't know he was so committed to 
	recycling.  See?  I told you Mr. Burns was changed.  See?
Marge:	Lisa, nobody likes a gloater, right, Homie?
Homer:	Uh huh.
Marge:	See?
-- Neener neener, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% A crowd gathers to watch the opening of Mr. Burns' recycling plant.  
% Burns decides to give Lisa most of the thanks for her "impetuous 
% moralizing" which helped produce -- The Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant.  
% Mr. Burns unveils a plant with Lisa's smiling face on the front of 
% it.

Aww, ain't that cute?  Makes Li'l Debbie look like a pile of puke!
-- Moe, at the unveiling of the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant,
   "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns invites Lisa to tour the inside of the plant.

Burns:	The whole plant is environmentally sound.  It's powered by 
	old newspapers, machinery is made entirely of used cans, 
	and the windows are from the old liquor bottles we 
	collected.
	[he notices a shadow of Barney outside the liquor bottle 
	windows]
	[opens the window]
	Hey!  I thought I told you to stop licking my windows!
Barney:	I know you told me.  But when I woke up this morning, I 
	said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that..." --
	[Burns slams the window in Barney's face]
-- Save it for your AA sponsor, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Lisa congratulates Mr. Burns on regaining his fortune without 
% hurting the environment "or cozying up to the Aspen crowd."  But 
% Burns hasn't shown her the big finale.  Lisa's "demonstration" of a 
% fish caught in a six-pack ring gave Burns an idea.  He shows Lisa 
% how he linked millions of six-pack holders together in the ocean to 
% pull in a million fish.
%
% "What's going on?" asks Lisa, as it appears the entire world 
% underneath the sea is being dragged out into the factory.  Mr. Burns 
% calls this the "Burns Omni-net.  It sweeps the sea clean."  Lisa is 
% shocked.  Inside is a slaughterhouse, compressing the bodies of the 
% sea creatures into a red mush that is loaded into large barrels.  "I 
% call our product, Li'l Lisa's patented animal slurry.  It's a high-
% protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a 
% powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant," Mr. Burns 
% explains.  "And best of all, it's made from one hundred percent 
% recycled animals!"  When Lisa becomes (literally) sickened by it, 
% Mr. Burns offers her some slurry.  Lisa realizes that he hasn't 
% changed, and that he's evil even when he's trying to be good.  Mr. 
% Burns doesn't understand what she's upset about.
%
% Once Lisa sees her face on the plant coolers, she runs out of the 
% plant and runs around the neighborhood begging people to stop 
% recycling.

Lisa:	Stop!  Don't recycle!  It's murder!  You're helping Mr. 
	Burns!
Woman:	[robotically] But you told us to recycle.
Man:	[robotically] You convinced us it was good.
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Lisa tries to dump recyclables into the trash, and receives zombie-
% like protests from townspeople.  She tails a truck carrying "Li'l 
% Lisa" slurry, but loses it.  Finally, in the middle of the street, 
% she breaks down.
%
% Back at home...

Lisa:	[wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out 
	of my clothes.  I was a fool to help that horrible old 
	man!
Homer:	I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa.  Never help anyone.
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Mr. Burns and Smithers pay a visit.

Smithers:	Simpson, what are you doing here?  Why aren't you at 
		work?
Homer:		I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think 
		about what I did.  I don't remember what it was, so I'm 
		watching TV.
-- Better than a spanking, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Smithers informs him that Mr. Burns bought back the plant, ending 
% "Lenny's reign of terror."  Burns interrupts to tell Lisa that he 
% sold the recycling plant for $120 million.  "Congratulations," Lisa 
% remarks sarcastically.  Mr. Burns also came to give Lisa ten percent 
% of the money.

Lis, have I told you lately that I love you?
-- Bart, after Lisa is offered $12 Million from Mr. Burns,
   "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% Lisa is in awe at the check offered to her -- but more 
% conscientiously says, "Oh but I can't accept that, knowing where it 
% came from.  Can I?  Mom?"  Marge tells Lisa to do whatever he 
% conscience tells her to.  Lisa takes the check, and with much 
% hesitation, tears it up.  Marge tells Lisa that she did the right 
% thing, and Homer collapses.
%
% Next thing you know, Homer is in the hospital.

Hibbert:	Well, that's the first case I've ever seen of a man 
		suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.
Lisa:		I'm sorry, Dad.
Homer:		It's all right.  I understand.  But we really could've 
		used that twelve thousand dollars.
Lisa:		[nervously] Um, Dad, ten percent of a hundred and twenty 
		million dollars isn't twelve thousand dollars.  It's ...
		[outside the room, a blue-alert goes off]
Woman:		[over intercom] Code blue!  Code Blue!
-- "The Old Man and the Lisa"

% [End of Act Three.  21:18]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{am}  Adam Monteiro
{av}  Aaron Varhola
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dga} Dale G. Abersold
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{hm}  Howard MacGregor
{jh}  Jason Hancock
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{jsh} Jonathan Haas
{ljs} Liam J. Scanlan
{mm}  Matthew McGrath
{mr}  Mike Rumerman
{mss} Marge Starbrod Simpson
{nd}  Nathan Dietz
{ol}  Ondre Lombard
{sh}  Sean Hughes
{sp}  Steve Portigal
{tm}  Theodore Miller
{tw}  Tom Wilson

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
transcript itself is Copyright 1998 Ondre Lombard.  This capsule has been
brought to you by Li'l Lisa Recycling, a subsidiary of Bay State Fish Stick
Co.

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.

Many thanks to Dave Hall and Frederic Briere, who provided me with
alt.tv.simpsons archives when needed.  This capsule wouldn't be nearly as
complete without their invaluable help.