Grade School Confidential                             Written by Rachel Pulido
                                                     Directed by Susie Dietter
==============================================================================
Production code: 4F09                      Original Airdate on FOX: 6-Apr-1997
Capsule revision C (24-Feb-2000)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   None submitted.

   [If you use these summaries to determine if you found the right capsule,
   here's a TV Guide-like synopsis:  Love is in session for Principal Skinner
   and Edna Krabappel, but it's a secret known only to them -- and Bart.  --
   Ed.]

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Couch:          Five clear, blue balloons, shaped like each member of the
                family, float down onto the couch.  They take place -- with a
                little squeaking -- and then pop.  [Recycled from 4F05]  {hl}

==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
   ... Martin lives next door to Skinner?
   ... Skinner assigns Bart's permanent record to Milhouse?
   ... Edna has a Charlie Brown candle?
   ... after being caught, Mrs. Krabappel tries unsuccessfully to tug her
       skirt further down her leg?

Dale G. Abersold:
   ... this is the first full episode written by Rachel Pulido?
   ... the door to the Permanent Records Repository wasn't locked?
   ... the guy from the furniture store (in [3F24]) at the movies?

Vince Chan:
   ... Principal Skinner referred to himself as Seymour Skinner during the
       morning announcements?
   ... the map of USA on the wall?
   ... Mrs. Krabappel didn't have a see-through cup like everyone else?
   ... Wendell was in the playhouse?
   ... the Prince's had a cactus in their yard?
   ... The clock on the wall said [as Skinner and Krabappel eat dinner] 8:25?
   ... the Paris poster behind Principal Skinner?
   ... Skinner was surprised when Edna kissed her?
   ... the apple core on Mrs. Krabappel's desk?
   ... the picture of Abraham Lincoln on the wall?
   ... Skinner's pencil flew over the table when Chalmers came in?
   ... the Bonsai tree Skinner's office
   ... there was a picture of Skinner's mother in the box?
   ... there were people playing cards [at the standoff]?

Don Del Grande:
   ... their car wash needs money?
   ... everybody but Lisa moans when they discover the magician is a
       Mathemagician?
   ... Wendell talks?  (Is this the first time?)
   ... there's somebody besides Lunch Lady Doris serving food at the school
       cafeteria (yet LLD appears in the episode)?
   ... Bart didn't hold out to have, say, Lisa's name (rather than Milhouse's)
       put on his permanent record?
   ... the theater says "Movie with Air Conditioning", similar to the "20
       degrees cooler inside" slogans of 50 years ago?
   ... Skinner didn't even think twice before giving Bart, of all people, a
       letter marked "Personal & Confidential"?
   ... the "emergency" phone on the roof is able to call pretty much anybody?
   ... when Skinner calls Janey "Janey Janey Bofaney", she runs into the
       school?
   ... Lisa has a Krusty lunchbox?  (In the past, Bart had a Krusty box and
       Lisa a Happy Little Elves one)
   ... sometime during the "siege" of the school, Marge is no longer holding
       Maggie?

Jason Hancock:
   ... the picture of SES in Seymour's office?
   ... Mr. Largo's classroom is right next to Ms. Hoover's?
   ... everybody covering their ears when "Embraceable You" starts to play?

Darrel Jones:
   ... Milhouse's name being placed on Bart's record?
   ... the strobe light goes through a strainer?

Joe Klemm:
   ... the Math Magician thought 7 x 3 = 22?
   ... Skinner and Krabappel talked to Bart at 11:05?
   ... Bart told Skinner to stand up for himself at 3:05?
   ... Krusty smiled when Skinner said he was a virgin?

Haynes Lee:
   ... Mrs. Krabappel's firecrackers are the color blue?
   ... Wendell wasn't the first to get sick?
   ... Wendell didn't barf?
   ... Skinner signs his love notes, "Principal Skinner"?
   ... Krabappel did a Sharon Stone on her desk?
   ... Lionel Hutz in the crowd outside school?
   ... Krusty is now semi-literate?

Ido Lewit:
   ... Nelson comes to the party despite saying that he would not?
   ... Lisa is in the library while there is a lesson?

Dallas J. Pesola:
   ... Maggie's opening credit balloon pop sound was that of her pacifier
       being pulled out of her mouth?
   ... the box of donuts on Chief Wiggum's kitchen counter?
   ... Ms. Krabappel laughs when Homer asks if Skinner's being a virgin means
       "that she is a virgin too?"?

Mark Aaron Richey:
   ... Maggie was the last to pop during the couch gag?
   ... Homer imitates Nixon on the lawnmower?  (See "Comments" section)
   ... Edna drops her cigarette in her drink when she overhears Bart in the
       cafeteria?
   ... the April calendar on the classroom wall?
   ... Mr. Largo and Miss Hoover come out when Bart knocks on their doors?
   ... the Bee Guy doesn't react when Chalmers mentions his name?
   ... Wiggum is dangling handcuffs when Seymour makes his confession?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... Lisa isn't above passing on hearsay and rumor?
   ... after Brockman calls for two cameras, someone in the background shouts,
       "No, one!"
   ... the phone lands with the receiver -on the hook-?
   ... is it just me, or did Mrs. Krabappel show a lot of leg in this episode?

Donni Saphire-Bernstein:
   ... "The Happiest Man In Springfield" from 4F07 in the crowd?

Liam J. Scanlan:
   ... this is the latest an ##09 episode has aired?  (this was even later
       than 7G09 [Call of the Simpsons])
   ... Agnes' eye in the hole in the fence before she interrupts them?
   ... Martin is only turning ten now?  (He's one of the youngest ones in the
       class)
   ... Ralph did nothing but cry at Martin's party?
   ... Ralph knows about the birds and the bees?  (that was an episode that
       would have been amusing)
   ... there is a laugh after every question about Edna and Skinner's
       virginity?
   ... SLH running off with the hot dogs?
   ... the "'Embracable You' performed by Micheal Deci" line on the copyright
       screen?

==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Mr. Prince (Martin's dad)  {dga}, Willy,
        Sideshow Mel, Krusty)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson, Ralph, Wendell)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (Mathemagician, Cafeteria Worker, Chief Wiggum,
        Superintendent Chalmers, Apu)
   - Harry Shearer (Principal Skinner, Kent Brockman, Dr. Hibbert, Lenny)

- Special Guest Voice
   - Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel)

- Also Starring
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Pahusacheta  {dga})
   - Tress MacNeille (Agnes Skinner, "No, one!"  {dga})
   - Maggie Roswell (LuAnne van Houten  {dga}, Maude Flanders, Helen Lovejoy)
   - Russi Taylor (Martin, Sherri, Terri)

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "High School Confidential" (movie)  {dga}
      - episode title of "Grade School Confidential" spoofs this movie's name

   - "Home Improvement" (TV series)  {tg}
      - Skinner's mom looks over the fence as she talks to Seymour and Edna,
        just like Wilson talks to Tim

   - "Kilroy was here" (graffiti)  {rn}
      - when Agnes Skinner peers over the fence at Skinner and Krabapple,
        she's in a classic "Kilroy Was Here" pose

   + Charlie Brown (comic strip character)
      - Mrs. Krabappel's candle molded in the shape of this comic strip
        character  [{bjr} writes, "And I can just see the John Waters
        character from 'Homer's Phobia (4F11)' raving over how marvelously
        kitschy it is"]

   + "The Name Game" (song)  {jk}
      - Principal Skinner plays this game (the rules are laid out in the song
        with this title) with Janey's name

   + "Basic Instinct" (movie)  {hl}
      - Mrs. Krabappel sat the same way as Sharon Stone on her desk.

   + "For Your Eyes Only" (James Bond film)  {al}
      - shot of Skinner handing Bart the envelope labeled "confidential" looks
        exactly like a shot from the beginning of the film
      - Character tells Bond the envelope is "for your eyes only," just like
        Skinner says it is "for her eyes only"

   + "Star Trek: The Original Series" (TV series)  {jk}
      - Bart's "set your faces to stunned" is a clever play on "set your
        phasers to stun," a phrase often associated with this series

   ~ "THE HONEYMOONERS" (TV series)  {hl}
      - Homer thought Mrs. Krabappel's last name was "Crandall," as in Ralph
        and Alice Crandall.
      - (Incidentally, the late Audrey Meadows, who played Alice, also did the
        voice for Bea Simmons in "Old Money" [7F17].)

   - "The Andy Griffith Show" (TV series)  {km}
      - Chief Wiggum picks up the phone and says "Sarah, get me Superintendent
        Chalmers" ... just like Barney Fife makes calls on Andy Griffith.

   + "Lean On Me" (movie)  {djp}
      - Principal Skinner chains the doors from the inside and uses a bullhorn
        the same as Principal Joe Clark in the 1989 film.

   + the siege of Noriega at the Panama Papal Nunciate  {ddg}
      - the authorities try to force Skinner out with loud music (See
        "Personal Comments & Observations," below)

   + Armour hot dogs theme  {jh2}
      - Wiggum's and Chalmers' reaction lines to Skinner's "bomb" similar to
        lyrics of this jingle

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Edna Krabappel's Torrid Love Life  {dga}
   - [7F11] Seduces the chef from "The Happy Sumo"
   - [7F19] She attempts to seduce Mr. Bergstrom (ala "The Graduate")
   - [8F08] Edna tries to pick up Homer, sailors, and the drummer from
            "Aerosmith" at Moe's
   - [8F13] She seduces Jose Canseco [cut before being broadcast]
   - [8F16] Her correspondence with "Woodrow" (a.k.a. Bart)
   - [8F22] Edna's cynical take on love and marriage (including her own)
   - [1F20] Edna reveals her troubles with men (and falls for Hutz)
   - [2F15] Selma threatens Edna against going for the bridal bouquet
   - [4F14] Goes on a date with Sideshow Bob

- Seymour Skinner's Less-Than-Torrid Love Life  {dga}
   - [7F15] Falls in love with Patty
   - [1F04] Talked to a woman on the phone
   - [4F06] Visits the "Maison Derriere"

- "Peanuts" references  {mss}
   - [8F02] Great Pumpkin gang runs past OFF's house
   - [1F04] Ending a take-off of A Charlie Brown Christmas
   - [1F19] Bart: "Charlie Brown said 'Good Grief!'  Didn't see that coming!"
   - [3F24] Mrs. K speaks like adults in Peanuts TV specials (in Homer's
            "chili trip")
   - [4F05] Homer was working on a Snoopy puzzle when Larry entered Sector 7G
   - [4F09] The Charlie Brown candle

- [7G02] Bart's large permanent record  {ljs}
- [7F15] Bart fixes Seymour up with Patty  {hl}
- [7F15] A member of SES's staff goes easy on the students when they're in
         love  {mss}
- [7F17] "Embracable You" is played  {ljs}
- [8F15] Mrs. Krabappel puts Martin in charge  {jh}
- [8F16] We see the inside of Mrs. K's apartment  {mss}
- [8F16] Bart fixes Edna up with Gordie Howe  {hl}
- [9F02] Apu's niece is seen  {jh}
- [1F13] Homer operates a "Space Shuttle"  {ljs}
- [1F16], [3F17] Martin's father speaks  {jh}
- [1F18] The army photo of Sgt. Skinner is shown  {dj}
- [1F18] Skinner is rehired  {mss}
- [1F18] Principal Skinner is fired  {jh}
- [1F18] Bart helps Skinner get his job back  {ljs}
- [1F21] The Armor Hot Dog song is spoofed  {ljs}
- [2F19] The children of SES believe anything you tell them  {ljs}
- [2F20] Willie does a Sharon Stone impersonation  {hl}
- [3F09] General Noriega mentioned  {hl}
- [3F11] "Post Haste" is said  {ljs}
- [3F11] Burns (cf. Homer) imitates Nixon  {jh}
- [3F18] Skinners house is shown the way it is  {ljs}
- [4F04] A "dent" in the general storyline remains so  {mss}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Guests at Martin's party  {mar}
   - Sherri & Terry (first seen playing croquet. Later, one was watching Mr.
     Prince's math tricks, and one was later curled up in pain), Edna, Ralph
     (crying while on a horse, and later crying when he missed the donkey),
     Richard, Lisa, Bart, Wendell, Milhouse, Janey, Lewis, Nelson, Seymour,
     and Mrs. Skinner

- First Math-e-Magician's trick  {hl}

         413  r2
       /------
    7 / 2893
        28
        ----
         09
          7
         --
         23
         21
         --
          2

- Second trick (aborted)  {hl}

         3
       /------
    7 / 2893
        22

- How the remainder would have disappeared (alt.nerd.obsessive)  {hl}

         399   r0
       /------
    7 / 2893
        22
        ----
         69
         63
         ---
          63
          63
          --
           0

- Permanent record depository  {hl}

    ---------------------
    | PERMANENT  RECORD |
    |    DEPOSITORY     |
    ---------------------
      ________________
      |   WARNING:    |
      |  TRESPASSING  |
      | WILL BE NOTED |
      |   ON YOUR     |
      |   PERMANENT   |
      |    RECORD.    |
      -----------------

- Skinner's letter  {hl}

    ---------------------
    | To: Edna Krabappel |
    |                    |
    |     PERSONAL       |
    |       and          |
    |    CONFIDENTIAL    |
    |    ============    |
    ----------------------

    ------------------------------------
    | Dear Edna,                       |
    |                                  |
    | I want to "Seymour" ("see more") |
    | of you!                          |
    ------------------------------------
    |  How about another               |
    |  secret rendezvous?              |
    |                                  |
    |   Forever yours,                 |
    |   Principal Skinner              |
     -----------------------------------

- Movie theatre  {hl}

                 A
                 Z
                 T
                 E
                 C
    -------------------------
    |        MOVIE          |
    | WITH AIR CONDITIONING |
    -------------------------

- At the school during the holdout  {mar}
   - Chalmers, Kent, Homer, Marge, Maggie, Lisa, Grampa, Krusty, Dr. Nick,
     Lenny, Moe, Patty, Selma, Kearney, Dolph, Otto, Apu, Eddie, Lou, Wiggum,
     Ned, Sideshow Mel, Ruth Powers, Lunchlady Doris, Smithers, Dr. Hibbert,
     Lionel Hutz, Miss Hoover, Rev. Lovejoy, Helen, Bee Guy, Mr. Largo,
     Barney, Jasper, Mrs. Hibbert, Mr. Van Houten, Prof. Frink, Nelson, Jimbo,
     Princess Kashmere, Willy, Mr. Burns

==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
=  The firecrackers left no waste after they were exploded  {vc}

=  The tiles on the classroom appear and disappear.  {mar}

+  OFF never had a ride-on lawn mower, unless they borrowed it from Flanders
   or Lisa won the Math fair in 7F08.  {ljs}

=  Bart's "ice fingers" aren't in his glass when he spills it.  {ddg}

=  Bart moves from one end of the table to the other while talking to Edna at
   the party.  {mar}

-  When Bart dropped his drink, the juice spilled and left no stain on the
   table cloth.  {vc}

=  Mrs. Krabappel's glass turns into a coffee cup.  {ddg}

-  In the scene after the tryst in Mrs. Krabappel's apartment, the sign on the
   school reads, "SpringfieId Elementary School."  [i.e., the last "I" in
   "Springfield" is capitalized]  {bjr}

-  The colors are reversed on Mrs. Krabappel's globe -- the ocean should be
   blue and the land green, not the other way around.  {jh}

*  It doesn't seem likely that Skinner would trust Bart to courier the
   confidential note to Mrs. Krabappel.  {bjr}

+  Superintendent Chalmers came in on the right of the theater but sat left of
   Skinner and Krabappel.  {vc}

*  How did Principal Skinner convince Marge to drag Bart to the theater so
   late at night?  {bjr}

=  Edna's apples appear and disappear when Bart tells her he loves her.  {mar}

=  The map of USA moved from the side of the room to the front of the room
   when everyone was following Bart.  {vc}

=  When Mrs. Krabappel is saying goodbye to her class, the clock first says
   2:55, but then it says 10:00.  {ddg}

-  The clock in Skinner's office said 3:05, but Skinner was supposed to be out
   of the school by 3:00.  {vc}

-  All the clocks at Channel are not assimilated to follow different hours
   across the world as most other clocks are.  The minute hands are different
   on all clocks when the hour hand should be the only different hand.  {ljs}

-  The remote wasn't in Homer's pocket when we first saw him.  {mar}

*  The cafeteria is on the second floor in this episode, but it looked like it
   was on the first floor in "I Love Lisa (9F13)"  {bjr}

-  The ash tray disappears when Skinner and Krabappel start dancing.  {vc}

+  Light was shining through the main school entrance, but when Bart walked to
   the door, it was dark outside.  {vc}

*  Bart already knows relationships don't turn out exactly the way he'd like
   them to - wasn't that the point of the second clip show?  {ddg}

+  The janitor door opened from the left side when Bart opened it, but opened
   from the right when Skinner opened it near the end of the episode.  {vc}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:  An ill-conceived premise, predictably developed, and
   brought to a familiar conclusion.  Yet, there were several enjoyable
   moments, and the whole enterprise was quite well-executed.  Another fine
   performance from Marcia Wallace.  (C+)

Richard Bunnell:  This episode had very few low points, the only one being the
   Skinner- Krabappel dance scene, but they didn't stretch that part too far.
   Everything else was top-notch Simpsons humor, with another great Ralph
   line.  I also liked the way the ending made it seem like things were going
   to revert to normal, but then actually appeared to be the same. "Ha, those
   kids, they believe anything you tell them."  (A)

Jesse Burgheimer:  Maybe not the best episode of Season 8, but a good one
   none-the-less.  I enjoyed the unlikely romance between Principal Skinner
   and Ms. Krabappel, because they just happen to be the least social
   characters of the show.
      This episode also had a decent ending for once, without the usual
   guillotine chop that most eps end with (like "Sideshow Bob's Last
   Gleaming").  After all, we all DID know that Skinner was still pure, didn't
   we?  (B)

Vince Chan:  This episode wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either.  It was one
   of those mediocre episodes where what happens is easily forgotten.  There
   were a few memorable lines and scenes.  The episode, overall, was your
   average 8th season episode.  (B)

Don Del Grande:  It was a little slow at the ends, but how many ways are there
   of ending a "secret love discovered" story (and Rachel did take a "typical
   twisted Simpsons ending" (having them break up) and go one better (no,
   people just THINK we broke up), even if this is probably the last time
   we'll see them "together".  (B)

Timothy Goddard:  An excellent effort, considering that the episode used the
   Simpson family very little (with the exception of Bart).  A good example of
   a case where the writers were able to rely primarily on minor characters
   throughout the duration of the episode with encouraging results.
   Furthermore, despite the relative lack of Homer, the few instances where he
   did make an appearance were hilarious.  I really laughed at the spaceship
   scene.  (B+)

Jonathan Haas:  Not much to say about this one, except that it was a mediocre
   episode in what's shaped up to be a mediocre season.  From the rake scene
   right at the beginning, this one wasn't terrible, it just wasn't *funny*.
   "Boring" is probably the adjective that describes it best. Few if any real
   laughs.  Even Ralph Wiggum was nothing but a rehash. Where's the
   originality that's supposed to be a hallmark of the Simpsons? This one was
   nowhere near as crapulent as "My Sister, My Sitter", but boy, it wasn't
   good.  (C-)

Jason Hancock:  A rather dull episode that seemed to recycle an old premise
   (Mrs. Krabappel falling in love) and a few old gags.  It moved rather
   slowly, but the third act was better than the first two.  (C)

Haynes Lee:  This episode started on the premise of everything being boring
   but unfortunately it stayed that way.  Only Nelson's ha-ha at Skinner being
   a 44 year-old virgin (and Krabappel's rebuttal to Homer) made me laugh. The
   worst this season.  Yech.  (D-)

Ondre Lombard:  A bright spot in the season.  Humorously disastrous love
   stories are always good, and it's nice to see them give Skinner character
   other than being Mama's Little Boy.  Hightlights: the kids blowing Skinner
   and Krabappel's kiss out of proportion, and the very nice ending.  (B)

Werner Peeters:  Martin Prince having a birthday party?  That's hilarious in
   its own right. The jokes about the oysters, Milhouse barfing and the donkey
   tail game were superb.  The most funny moments of this episode were due
   though to the supporting characters: Agnes Skinner and of course Ralph
   Wiggum.  The scene where he's explaining about the babies is another
   classic (I love that kid!).  Too bad the episode ended rather abruptly - so
   Skinner is a virgin, eh?  Well well well, who'd have thought?  and suddenly
   all the fuss is over. The scene where they drag Bart half sleeping to the
   cinema is memorable though.  (B)

Mark Aaron Richey:  We always knew Seymour Skinner and Edna Krabappel were
   made for each other, and this episode touchingly and romantically proves
   it.  The surprising thing is how willing Bart is to go along with the
   deception, at least until the two of them (unwittingly) pushed him over the
   breaking point.  The third act put a lovely twist on an ancient cliche.
   Granted, the non-Bart members of OFF were slighted (when Martin receives
   more screen time than Homer, Marge, and Lisa put together, there's
   something wrong), but I was willing to overlook that.  A very good episode.
   (A-)

Donni Saphire-Bernstein:  It seems to me that unlike the old rapscallion Bart
   used to be, he's getting somewhat responsible in his old age- i.e. not
   breaking the agreement until he felt forced to by social pressure.  I was
   expecting him to go right ahead and tell everyone.  The ending pulled a
   neat double-whammy; once again, like in 4F04, the show takes the classic
   sitcom ending and turns it upside down.  Aside from these referential
   notes, there were lots of great laughs.  Let's see: Homer looking for the
   remote, Kent Brockman being had, Mrs. Skinner entertaining Bart with her
   cake scrapbook, the "mathemagician", and more. There could have been more
   irony and humor in this episode, though...I feel as if they didn't do as
   much as they could have with the situation.  (B+)

Marge Starbrod-Simpson:  A promising premise made for the worst episode ever
   (tied with 4F04). The birthday party and the standoff were the suckiest
   scenes I've ever seen (no pun intended), and Bart's role seemed like
   nothing more that something the writers put in to keep us from bitching
   about OFF's lack of screentime (like we did last year with 3F15).  That and
   that fact that I don't know which makes me wanna wretch more- this ep or
   4F04.  (F)

Yours Truly:  Skinner and Krabappel make for a natural couple, and their
   relationship is realized nicely in this episode.  Too bad it was weighed
   down by a too-nice Bart in the final act, and some plot holes observable
   from Mars.  (C+)

AVERAGE GRADE:  C+ (2.40)   Std Dev.: 1.1671   (19 reviews computed)

NIELSEN RATING: 7.70 (Ranked 57th out of 116)  {ol}

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Ever get the feeling you're being watched?

Art imitates life, according to Benjamin Robinson:  Several months before this
   episode aired, there was a thread on a.t.s.  asking which two single
   Springfieldians would make the best couple.  Mr. Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel
   were one of the pairings.

   Later, Rick "Mountain Man" Senger started a thread that sought to sort out
   the adults in Springfield who have had conjugal relations from those who
   hadn't.  Now we know for sure on which side of the fence Skinner falls.

   Perhaps someday we'll learn what the "J" in Homer J. Simpson means.

   [This was written long before the network's announcement that we will
   indeed learn what the "J" means next season -- Ed.]


>> Marge Simpson predicts!

Well, Marge Starbrod-Simpson, anyway.  She notices a pattern manifesting
   itself in this episode:  Somehow, I saw this ep coming before ever seeing
   the episode list for this season.  In many a show, a male character has an
   attractive female costar.  You'd think the two were dating, only to be
   proved wrong when almost all they do is feud for the next several seasons,
   or avoid each other completely.  Finally, in a very late season, they hook
   up at last.  It happened with Mark and Vanessa in "Hangin' with Mr.
   Cooper", Helen and Joe in "Wings", and Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel
   in "The Simpsons", just to name a few.


>> Writer Watch

Dale G. Abersold:  Rachel Pulido's only previous writing effort for the show
   was as one of the many co-writers of "22 Short Films About Springfield"
   [3F18].

   [Mr. Abersold must agree that brevity is the soul of wit -- Ed.]


>> And take this tape with you on your next trip to the moon

Benjamin Robinson:  The president that Homer imitates is obviously Richard
   Nixon.  My guess is that Homer's remembering the Apollo missions to the
   moon.  Nixon was president when Apollo 11 landed there, and would be the
   person giving the congratulatory phone call. (Later, Nixon would scrap the
   Apollo program, drawing NASA's Golden Era to a close.)


>> Tom Berenger capsule festival

Mark Aaron Richey:  Tom Berenger -- Actor (and University of Missouri alum),
   who got an Oscar nomination for his performance in 1986's "Platoon", and
   has spent the last ten years starring in mostly "B"-movies.


Dallas J. Pesola:  The movie that Edna and Seymour went to watch was most
   likely "The Big Chill".  Tom Berenger stars in the 1983 movie that was
   filmed in Atlanta.  [You'll recall that superintendent Chalmers mentions
   that it has Tom Berenger and asks Bart if it was really filmed in Atlanta"]


>> Another use for "Songs in the Key of Springfield"

Benjamin Robinson:  Manuel Noriega was head honcho in Panama and wanted to
   stay that way.  The United States felt that he threatened American
   interests in that area, and wanted him out.  Things came to a head, and the
   Americans dispatched troops to capture him. Noriega holed up in a monastery
   [Well, close.  It was the Papal Nuncio -- Ed.].  Not wanting to tromp into
   holy ground, or violate sanctuary, or something, the Americans devised an
   unusual plan.  As the rest of the world (and most of America, as well)
   looked on, bemused, they decided to force him out by playing loud annoying
   music at all hours of the night. The authorities have employed the loud
   music gambit in other situations involving cornered suspects, with mixed
   results.


>> Miscellaneous, Etc.

The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show is:  Fast Times at Springfield
   Elementary


Three items, courtesy of Mark Aaron Richey:  "High School Confidential" --
   forgettable movie from the late '50's, based on a Jerry Lee Lewis song (he
   makes a cameo appearance in the film) about a juvenile delinquent who gets
   involved with drugs at his new school.

   Oysters -- There is a serious risk that by consuming uncooked oysters (and
   most oysters are uncooked), one will also consume a dangerous and possibly
   deadly bacteria.

   Armour Hot Dogs -- A hot dog brand mostly known for its catchy jingle,
   which Chalmers nicely paraphrased.  The jingle was actually used for a
   production number in [1F21] "Lady Bouvier's Lover".


Marge Starbrod-Simpson:  The reason I brought up the p-code order thing before
   is because, if this ep proved anything, there's probably a reason for that.
   In 4F14 ["The Brother from Another Series"], for example, we saw Edna on a
   date with SSB.  At the end of 4F09 ["Grade School Confidential"], however,
   she's still seeing Skinner.  Had these eps run in production order... well,
   you get the idea.  And let's not forget the divorce in 4F04 ["A Milhouse
   Divided"], and that they were together at the party scene in 4F05 ["Burns,
   Baby, Burns"] and at the town meeting in 4F06 ["Bart After Dark"] (plus
   Kirk was a lot less annoying).


==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary  {bjr}
==============================================================================
% Goooood Morning, Springfield Elementary!  The day begins with some
% announcements from the voice of SES, Principal Skinner.

Skinner:   [over intercom] Finally, the bake sale to raise money for
           the car wash has been cancelled due to confusion.  Well,
           that concludes this morning's announcements; I'm Seymour
           Skinner and stand by to resume learning in five, four,
           three, two, one...
Krabappel: Ugh, it's hard enough to keep the kids awake without you,
           Seymour.
-- "Grade School Confidential"

% Mrs. Krabappel opens one of her desk drawers, revealing an impressive
% arsenal of firecrackers.  She lights a short string, and tosses it
% between two rows of dozing students.  The noise rouses them into
% consciousness.

Martin:    [raises hand] Mrs. Krabappel, I also have an announcement
           to make.
Krabappel: Can't it wait until I retire?
Martin:    [clears throat and gets up] I want one and all to join me
           in celebrating the anniversary of my portentous birth.
           [begins to pass out invitations]
           [gives one to Nelson] Here you are, Nelson.
Nelson:    A birthday party?  [makes raspberry noise, and shoves the
           invitation to the floor]
Martin:    [picks it up, and puts it back on the desk] Here you are,
           Nelson.
           [Nelson, again with the appropriate sound effect, knocks it
           back to the floor]
           [picks it up, and puts it back on the desk] Here you are,
           Nelson.
Nelson:    I said, [raspberry]
-- Book smart, socially stupid, "Grade School Confidential"

% Cut to the Simpsons' back yard.  Bart and Milhouse are in a wagon,
% hitched to Homer's riding mower.

Homer:    All right, men, get ready to blast off.  [Slowly begins to
          drive forward]
          Whooo!  We're in orbit now!  What's that?  A call from the
          President?  Hello?
          [Switches to Nixon voice] Uh, yes.  Let me just say this,
          about that.
          [Homer voice] Okay, Mr. President ...
Milhouse: Bart, this is boring.  [Bart and Milhouse get out of the
          wagon]
Homer:    ... There's some dangerous crabgrass over here ...
Bart:     I guess we could go to Martin's party.
Milhouse: I don't know.  If we're seen there, it will definitely take
          our social standing down a notch.
Bart:     We're what now, three?
Milhouse: Three and a half.  We get beat up, but we get an explanation.
-- Social climbers, "Grade School Confidential"

% The boys walk off to help Martin celebrate his portentous birth
% anniversary.  Homer is oblivious to the fact that they left, and also
% unaware that he is about to ride into the hammock.  He gets caught up,
% and calls out for help.  ("Mayday!  Mayday!")
%
% Martin's birthday is an elaborate affair, complete with live music,
% party games, a moonwalk hut, and even an ice sculpture of the birthday
% boy himself.  Bart grabs some punch, but discovers there's no ice.
% Improvising, he snaps a few fingers off the sculpture and drops them
% in his glass.
%
% Mrs. Krabappel walks up.

Krabappel: Hi, Bart.
Bart:      [startled, he drops his glass] Uh, Mrs. K!  Hey, it's
           Saturday; you're powers are useless against me.
Krabappel: Relax.  I'm just here to have fun like everybody else, so
           don't think of me as your teacher.
Bart:      Okay ... so ...
Krabappel: Mmm-hmm.
           [Krabappel sips some punch, and she and Bart laugh
           awkwardly]
Bart:      Excuse me.  [Walks off about twenty yards, and just stands
           there]
Krabappel: [sighs]
-- Easier said than done, Mrs. Krabappel, "Grade School Confidential"

% Elsewhere, a magician does tricks for the kids.  Bart requests the
% classic sawing-in-half trick, but the man replies that he's really a
% "mathemagician."  Everybody but Lisa seems disappointed in this.
% Undaunted, he attempts to make a remainder in a long division problem
% disappear.

Lisa:          But seven goes into twenty-eight four times.
Mathemagician: Uh, this is a -magic- seven!
-- "Grade School Confidential"

% Mrs. Krabappel sits alone on a bench near Martin's fence.  Mr.
% Skinner joins her.

Skinner:   Edna!
Krabappel: Seymour.
Skinner:   Mind if I sit down?
Krabappel: It's a free country.
Skinner:   I, I don't follow you.
Krabappel: Oh ... just sit down, Seymour.  [he does] It might be nice
           to talk to a grown-up for a change, heh.
Skinner:   Well this party is certainly a break in my routine.  You
           know, normally I spend my Saturdays carefully laying out my
           clothes for the following week, then I stroll down to the
           car wash to see if Gus is there.
Krabappel: Oh, yeah, you gotta keep busy.  I collect matchbooks from
           glamorous nightclubs.  It's amazing -- if you just write to
           them and ask them nicely... [trails off]
Skinner:   Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Krabappel: Well yes, but then I was a very depressed child.
Skinner:   To poor decisions.  [they clink glasses]
Krabappel: Hear, hear.  [they drink up]
-- "Grade School Confidential"

% Mrs. Skinner, who had been spying on the two through a knothole in
% the fence, makes her presence known.

Mrs. Skinner: Seymour!  I told you not to play in the neighbor's yard.
Skinner:      It's a party, mother.  I was invited.
Mrs. Skinner: Well ... then I must have been invited too!  [jumps down,
              and runs around to join the party]
-- It's only logical, "Grade School Confidential"

% Skinner whispers to Edna for a little help.  Looking around, she
% notices Martin's backyard playhouse.  The two decide hide in there.
%
% Meanwhile, Bart "helpfully" coaches Milhouse in a game of "pin the
% tail on the donkey" by directing him towards a cactus.  Just inches
% away from his unintended target, Milhouse suddenly cramps up.  Feeling
% nauseous, he runs for the bathroom, but (since he neglected to remove
% his blindfold) finds the moonwalk hut instead.  The crowd inside
% immediately parts in half when Milhouse tosses his cookies.
%
% Soon, all the guests appear to be in severe intestinal distress.  It
% doesn't take long for Martin's parents to figure out why.

Martin's Dad: [to wife] I told you we should have served cake instead
              of oysters!
Martin:       I'm ruined!
Nelson:       [punches Martin in the gut] Ha-ha, ohh... [collapses]
-- That'll drop your social standing a notch or two, "Grade School
 Confidential"

% Ambulances arrive to cart away the party casualties.  Bart watches
% two medics carry his sister out on a stretcher.

Lisa:     Bart, how come you're not sick?
Bart:     Eh, I gave my oysters to the cat.  [points to an ill-feeling
          cat]
          Hey, why'd you eat 'em?  I thought you were a vegetarian.
Lisa:     I didn't.  I just wanted to leave.
-- Making a graceful exit, "Grade School Confidential"

% Away from the general confusion, Skinner and Krabappel enjoy a nice
% afternoon tea party in Martin's playhouse.

Skinner:   More tea, Edna?
Krabappel: What kind of little boy has a tea set?
Skinner:   [pours tea] I think we both know the answer to that ... a
           lucky boy.
Krabappel: [chuckles] You know, Seymour, you have an innocence about
           you that can be quite charming.
Skinner:   Oh?  Well, I've always admired your tart honesty and
           ability to be personally offended by broad social trends.
Krabappel: Oh, really?
Skinner:   Very much.  And your laugh.
Krabappel: You mean, "Ha!"
Skinner:   Mmm-Hmm.  That's the one that makes me feel ... [Krabappel
           holds his hand] Oh, boy.  Do you have a, uh, breath mint
           that I could borrow?
Krabappel: I have some menthol cigarettes.
Skinner:   Oh, the heck with it.  [they kiss passionately]
-- This could be the start of something ... well not beautiful,
   exactly, "Grade School Confidential"

% Romantic music swells as the two enjoy a moment together.  The camera
% focuses on the playhouse window to reveal that they are being watched.
% No, not by us here in TV land -- by Bart.
%
% [End of Act One.  Time:  5:24]
%
% Bart realizes that what he saw was a private matter between Principal
% Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel.  He decides to respect their privacy, and
% resolves to keep what he saw to himself.
%
% C'mon!  This is Bart we're talking about!  Of course he's going to
% spill the beans, and the next day he assembles the gang in the
% cafeteria to report on what he saw.

Bart:     You are never going to guess what I saw at Martin's party
          after you guys left.  You know that playhouse?  Well, I...
Skinner:  [overhearing] Good gravy!
Worker:   Oh, thank you.  It's just brown and water.
-- "Grade School Confidential"

% Skinner runs into the principal's office and pages Bart before the
% boy can say anything damaging.
%
% In the office, Skinner and Krabappel confront Bart.  It is a lopsided
% fight.

Skinner:   Now, Bart, son.  I don't know what you think you saw ...
           but, uh ... let me assure you...
Krabappel: What Seymour's, oh, what Principal Skinner means to say,
           Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run
           away with him.
Bart:      That's the best you can do?  You could have at least said
           that you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play.
Skinner:   Is it too late to say that?
Bart:      [nods] Mmm-hmm.
Krabappel: We're just a little concerned, that if people were to find
           out that a principal were dating a teacher, they might see
           it as a conflict of interest.
Skinner:   And there are those who might try to use it against us for
           their own advantage.
Bart:      Like me, for one.
Skinner:   Like you ... for ... Bart, if life has taught me one lesson
           repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten.  Let's talk deal.
-- "Grade School Confidential"

% The deal making shifts to the fabled permanent-record room.  With
% great effort, Mrs. Krabappel lifts Bart's file -- it's as thick as a
% phone book for a major city -- and drops it on a nearby table.

Krabappel: As you know, Bart, your permanent record will one day
           disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.
Skinner:   What do you say, son?  You keep our secret and some other
           student can inherit your gloomy, windblown future.  [holds
           up Milhouse's noticeably thinner file]
Bart:      [pauses to think] Deal!
Skinner:   [pastes Milhouse's name label onto Bart's file] This is a
           great day for forbidden love.
-- A Faustian bargain, "Grade School Confidential"

% Skinner and Krabappel celebrate their forbidden love with exotic
% desserts.

Skinner:   Mmmm.  This dessert is exquisite.  What do you call it?
Krabappel: Applesauce.
Skinner:   [chuckles] Oh, of course.  I'm sorry, I, I don't get out to
           restaurants much.
Krabappel: That's okay.  I don't entertain much.  Usually it's just
           soup for one, salad for one, wine for three.
Skinner:   [laughs] You know, I always thought I'd fall for a woman
           just like mother, even though I didn't want to.  And now
           that I haven't, I've discovered what true happiness can be,
           Edna.
Krabappel: Seymour, [gets up] swallow that applesauce and kiss me.
Skinner:   I'm afraid I already swallowed it while you were talking.
           [Skinner and Krabappel embrace, roll down to the floor.]
-- Educators in love, "Grade School Confidential"

% They say romance does a world of good for your demeanor, and that
% seems to be true in this case.  Dressed causally (for him, anyway) he
% lounges by the entrance and greets the students individually as they
% come in.  ("There's Ralph, he knows the score!")  For her part,
% Krabappel cuts short a lesson in fire safety, and lets the class go
% outside to pick wildflowers.
%
% As the children run out of the classroom, Skinner once again calls
% Bart to the principal's office.  He hands Bart a note for Mrs.
% Krabappel, tells him to deliver it, and warns him not to read it.
% Bart complies only long enough to get out of the office, and then
% casually opens the envelope.  Reading over his shoulder, we see that
% Skinner wants to rendezvous with Krabappel at the local theater.
%
% That night at the movies, Skinner, wearing sunglasses and a winter
% hat as a disguise, skulks over to Enda's seat.

Krabappel: Do you think anyone saw us?
Skinner:   No, it went just as we planned -- except they confiscated
           my thermos of cola at the door.
Krabappel: Aw.
Chalmers:  [waking up] Skinner!  Krabappel!  What are you two doing
           here?
Krabappel: Superintendent Chalmers!
Skinner:   Uh, why we're, here on a um, a, a, what do you c-- a field
           trip
Krabappel: With a student.
Skinner:   Yes, he's ah...
Krabappel: Uh, he's purchasing refreshments in the lobby.
Skinner:   I'm uh, uh, I'll go get him right now.  [sotto voce to
           Krabappel] Car keys, car keys, car keys.
Krabappel: [hands him the keys]
-- A close call, "Grade School Confidential"

% Skinner runs out the theater.  When he returns, he has Bart (still in
% his pajamas, and obviously tired) with him.  Skinner nudges Bart
% along, and tries to put the best face on the situation ("Just enjoy
% the movie.  It has Tom Berringer.")  As Skinner, Krabappel, and
% Chalmers catch the movie, Bart tries to catch some shut-eye.
% Unfortunately, Chalmers keeps interrupting him with questions about
% the show.
%
% With that crisis averted, Mrs. Krabappel drops by the Skinner home to
% pick up her boyfriend.  Once again, Bart's presence comes in handy.

Skinner:      Mother doesn't approve of me dating so I need you to keep
              her busy for a few hours while Edna and I sneak out.
              [sneaks out]
Bart:         Oh, I can't take much more of this.
Mrs. Skinner: I collect pictures of cakes that I clip out of the
              magazines.  It all started in 1941 when "Good
              Housekeeping" featured a photo of a lovely cake.  [opens
              album]
Bart:         You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here,
              would you?
Mrs. Skinner: Oh, my, no.  I don't care for cake, too sweet.  Now, this
              is called a Lady Baltimore cake.  [points to a picture]
              At my age, I don't have much saliva left, so you'll have
              to lick my thumb before I can turn the page.  [gives Bart
              the thumbs-up]
Bart:         Oh, can't I just turn the page for you?  [reaches for the
              page]
Mrs. Skinner: [slaps Bart's hand away] No!  But you can pick out any
              picture you want to take home with you.
Bart:         Okay ... that one.  [points]
Mrs. Skinner: [slaps Bart's hand away] No!  You can't have that one!
              That's a coconut cake!
-- Now who would want to sneak away from this woman?  "Grade School
 Confidential"

% Even in class, Bart has no respite from his troubles.  Mrs. Krabappel
% trumps up a charge against Bart as a pretext for sending him to the
% principal's office with a mash note.  Soon after, Skinner escorts Bart
% back to the classroom.

Skinner:   Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you.
Bart:      I won't say it!
Skinner:   Bart!
Bart:      Oh ... [shudders] I love you, Edna Krabappel.
           [winces as the entire class laughs at him]
Sherri and
Terri:     [sing-song] Bart's going to marry the teacher.
Nelson:    Where are you registered, Simpson?
Bart:      Oh ...
Krabappel: Thank you Bart, that was very sweet.  You may sit down now.
Bart:      [under breath] You're not going to get away with this.
Krabappel: [standing up] Class, I'm going to step out for a few
           minutes.  Martin, you're in charge. [leaves]
Martin:    Now Bart [mock cough] You must promise not to fall in love
           with me.
           [class laughs again]
Bart:      Oh, now, Martin's scoring off me.  Oh, that is it.  [gets
           up on chair]
           Listen up, everybody!  Follow me!  [leads the students out
           of the classroom]
-- So what's your social rating now, Bart, "Grade School Confidential"

% Knocking on doors as he walks down the hall, Bart leads the students
% to the janitor's closet.

Bart:     Okay, crew, set your faces to stunned.
          [opens the door, revealing a stunning sight, indeed:  Skinner
          and Krabappel in lip-lock.  They both look up, horrified.
          Edna tries gamely to tug her skirt back down her leg, but it
          scoots back up]
Skinner:  Um, uh, school dismissed!
-- Now on to the extracurricular activities, "Grade School
   Confidential"

% [End of Act Two.  Time:  12:13]
%
% All over Springfield, students race home to tell their parents the
% big news.  First Milhouse...

... and Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were kissing -- and
swearing!
-- Milhouse, "Grade School Confidential"

% ... then Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon (say that fast) ...

Father!  Uncle Apu!  A teacher was in the closet with the principal and
he had as many arms as Vishnu and they were all very busy.
-- Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon, "Grade School Confidential"

% ... then Lisa ...

Lisa:     I was in the library at the time, but Janey told me that
          Principal Skinner and Bart's teacher, Mrs. -- what's her
          name?
Marge:    Krabappel?
Lisa:     Yeah, Krabappel.  They were naked in the closet together.
Marge:    [gasps] Oh, my goodness!
Homer:    Wait a minute.  Bart's teacher is named Krabappel?  I've been
          calling her Crandall.  Why didn't someone tell me?  Oh, I've
          been making an idiot out of myself!  [runs out of the room]
-- Right conclusion, wrong reason, "Grade School Confidential"

% ... and finally, Ralph breaks the story to his parents.

Ralph:    Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet
          making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby
          looked at me.
Wiggum:   The baby looked at you?  [picks up phone] Sarah, get me
          Superintendent Chalmers.
          [Mrs. Wiggum dials the number]
          Thank you, Sarah.  [Mrs. Wiggum smiles knowingly]
-- "Grade School Confidential"

% Superintendent Chalmers does not take the matter lightly.

Chalmers:  Skinner!
Skinner:   [startled] Superintendent Chalmers.
Chalmers:  The whole town's in an uproar about your sleazy shenanigans.
           Now, I'm going to give you a choice:  You can either give up
           this tawdry, fulfilling relationship, or you two will be out
           of here so fast your mortarboards will spin.  And where is
           your mortarboard, anyway?
Skinner:   Uh, right here, sir.  [retrieves it and puts it on, sending
           a cloud of dust flying]
Chalmers:  So, what'll it be, Seymour?
Skinner:   Well, I'm sorry but uh, I can't give up the woman I love.
Chalmers:  Well, then I'm afraid you leave me no choice.  I want you
           out of the building by three o'clock.  You're fired.  Edna,
           too.
Skinner:   [gasps]
-- Guess what, honey!  I got us both canned, "Grade School
   Confidential"

% Mrs. Krabappel gives her farewell address to the class

Krabappel: Well, it's going to be hard to say goodbye to all of you.
           We've had a lot of fun together.  [walks through the rows
           of students] Nelson, Nelson, Nelson.  How many kids have
           you beaten up this year?
Nelson:    [shrugs] I dunno; fifty.
Krabappel: Ah, fifty.  Where does the time go?
-- Goodbye, Mrs. Chips -er- Krabappel, "Grade School Confidential"

% Bart is called to the principal's office one last time, and Skinner --
% now shorn of his Principal's title, apologizes to Bart for all the
% awkward situations.  He gathers his belonging and goes to the door,
% but Bart stops him.  "Just this once, man, stand up for yourself," he
% says.  The advice gives Skinner a new resolve.

We're not going anywhere.  I'm going to do what Bart should have told
me to do a long time ago.
-- Principal Skinner, "Grade School Confidential"

% Skinner, Edna, and Bart stand their ground.  Or rather, they stand on
% the roof of Springfield Elementary.  Skinner announces, using a
% bullhorn, that the trio isn't coming down until he gets what he wants.
% But he can't even arouse the attention of his former staff.

Willie hears ya.  Willie don't care.
-- Groundskeeper Willie, "Grade School Confidential"

% Bart, who is more experienced in scene-causing, takes command and
% files a false octopus sighting with Channel 6 news.  Soon, Kent
% Brockman is on the scene from the Channel 6 news chopper.

So, once again, I've been had.  But an even more interesting story has
developed high atop this two-story school -- a love story.
-- Kent Brockman, "Grade School Confidential"

% A large crowd watches as Chalmers tries to talk Skinner down.

Chalmers:  [through bullhorn] Skinner, get off of my school.
Skinner:   No, you get off of my school.
Marge:     Homer, Bart's up there!
Homer:     [taking bullhorn from Chalmers] Gimmie that.
           [through bullhorn] Bart, this is your father.  Do you know
           where the remote is?  I looked all over the house.
Bart:      Did you check your pockets?
Homer:     [checks, and find that the remote was in his back pocket all
           along]
           [through the bullhorn to Marge] It was ...
           [lowers bullhorn] ... it was in my pocket.
-- Marge should've gotten him the hostage negotiation tape, after all,
"Grade School Confidential"

% Chief Wiggum tries to use reverse psychology on the fugitives, but it
% doesn't work.  So he goes to plan B:  A sound truck capable of
% blasting "Embracable You" at concert volume.  Skinner and Krabappel
% take advantage of the opportunity to do a little slow-dancing, much to
% Bart's chagrin.  Wiggum, thinking the tactic is working, trains a
% floodlight on the school.  Inside, a colander splits the light, giving
% the cafeteria were Skinner and Krabappel are dancing a nightclub
% atmosphere.
%
% The next morning, a telephone crashes through the window.  Its
% ringing awakens Skinner.

Skinner:   [casually] I'll get it.  [picks up receiver] Talk to me.
Chalmers:  You have got to end this thing, Seymour.
Skinner:   We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you
           acknowledge and celebrate our love.
Chalmers:  No one would like to celebrate your love more than I, but
           I'm a public servant, and not permitted to use my own
           judgement in any way.
Krabappel: [taking phone] Then let us take our case directly to the
           townspeople.
Chalmers:  Oh, yeah, that'll be -real- productive.  Who do you want to
           talk to first?  The, the guy with a bumblebee suit, or the
           one with a bone through his hair?
Mel:       My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
Chalmers:  Yeah, all right.  Just come on down.
-- "Grade School Confidential"

% Before Skinner heads down to plead his case, Bart suggests that he
% first grab the people's attention.  Cut to a shot of the school's main
% entrance.  Skinner [and Krabappel and Bart [?]] emerges, and announces
% he has a bomb.  Opening his jacket, he reveals what appear to be
% several sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest.  Chief Wiggum
% quickly notices that the "sticks" are really hot dogs, and Skinner
% drops the charade (and the dogs).

Krabappel:     Just speak from the heart, Seymour.  Tell them how we
               brought a little happiness into each others' lives.  Ask
               them why they're forcing two dedicated people to choose
               between their careers and their hearts.
Mrs. Flanders: Excuse me Edna, I don't think were talking about love
               here.  We're talking about S-E-X.  In front of the C-H-I-
               L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty:        Sex Cauldron!  I thought they closed that place down.
-- Keep up those spelling lessons, Krusty, "Grade School Confidential"

% Skinner asks what is going on.  Various members of the crowd respond
% tell him they heard that Skinner and Krabappel were having "sordid
% public sexual congress" in the closet.

Skinner:   This is absurd!  I did not have relations in that closet
           and the fact is I haven't ... [hesitates] um ...
Chalmers:  Yes?
Krabappel: Seymour, I think you'd better tell them.  It's the only way
           to clear our names.
Skinner:   Well, everyone, the fact is, I haven't ever had relations.
           I am a virgin.
           [the crowd is stunned]
Nelson:    Ha - ha!
Homer:     Hey, does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin, too?
Krabappel: [offscreen] Ha!
-- Let's not push it, "Grade School Confidential"

% Superintendent Chalmers decides to back down.

Chalmers:  Well, it's clear you've been falsely accused.  Because no
           one, anywhere, ever, would pretend to be a 44-year-old
           virgin.
           [the crowd walks off]
Krusty:    Oh, that's for sure.
Hibbert:   I'm, uh, I'm inclined to agree.
Willie:    Ach!  I'll never look at him the same again.
Lenny:     That was more than I wanted to know.
Chalmers:  [clears throat] Okay, well um, Edna, Seymour, in light of
           these uh, uh, revelations, I uh, suppose we uh,
           overreacted.
Krabappel: Do we have our jobs back?
Chalmers:  What?  Oh yes, yes, sure.  Just uh, you know, keep the
           lewdness to a minimum.  [hurries off]
-- Uncompromising standards, "Grade School Confidential"

% Relieved, Skinner, Krabappel, and Bart return to the school.  Bart
% gets his things out of the locker and begins to head home.

Bart:      I'm outta here.  Skinny, Krabby, catch ya later.
Skinner:   Uh, hold on, Bart.  May we have a word with you?
Krabappel: We want to thank you for helping us through a difficult
           period.
Bart:      Oh, no problemo.  So I guess now you'll be getting married
           or something, huh?
Krabappel: Well, actually, Seymour and I have decided to break up.
Bart:      Huh?
Skinner:   Mm.  We can't continue on like this, trying to build a
           private relationship in public, the whole town watching our
           every move with a fine-toothed comb.
Krabappel: Mmm-hmm.  I'm used to humiliation but not in front of a
           crowd that size.
Bart:      Aw, but you seemed like such a good couple.
Krabappel: Bart.  When you get a little older you're going to learn
           that sometimes romances don't turn out exactly the way
           you'd like them to.
Bart:      [sighs and trudges out of the building]
Skinner:   That's why I love elementary school, Edna.  The children
           believe anything you tell them.
-- "Grade School Confidential"

% Skinner produces some champagne, and he and Edna repair to the
% janitor's closet.  Before we fade to black, we hear a cork pop and the
% loving couple laugh heartily.  True love has triumphed again.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time:  21:21]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{al}  Andrew Levine
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dga} Dale G. Abersold
{dj}  Darrel Jones
{djp} Dallas J. Pesola
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{jh}  Jason Hancock
{jh2} Jonathan Haas
{jk}  Joe Klemm
{km}  Kevin Madden
{ljs} Liam J. Scanlan
{mar} Mark Richey
{mss} Marge Starbrod Simpson
{ol}  Ondre Lombard
{rn}  Robert Nowall
{tg}  Timothy Goddard
{vc}  Vince Chan

==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson.  It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@snpp.com).  All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.  All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors.  The
transcript itself is Copyright 1998 Benjamin Robinson.  This capsule has been
brought to you by the good folks at Sex Cauldron, who would like to say,
"We're not shut down!"

This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.

Many thanks to Dave Hall and Frederic Briere, who provided me with
alt.tv.simpsons archives when needed.  This capsule wouldn't be nearly as
complete without their invaluable help.