Simpson Tide                     Written by Joshua Sternin & Jeffrey Ventimila
                                                       Directed by Milton Gray
==============================================================================
Production code: 3G04                     Original airdate on FOX: 29-Mar-1998
Capsule revision A
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
   Apu, Moe, Barney, and Homer join the Naval Reserve, where a nuclear-sub
   captain (Rod Steiger) puts Homer in charge during war games.  Bob Denver
   has a cameo.  Other voices:  Hank Azaria, Dan Castellaneta. {jo}

   (Canada) Homer, fired for trying to enlarge a doughnut in the reactor core,
   joins the naval reserve. {hl}

==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard:     MY BUTT DOES NOT DESERVE A WEB SITE

Couch gag:      A takeoff of the "Rocky & Bullwinkle" scene where R&B pop up
                from out of the ground.

==============================================================================
> Didja notice...
==============================================================================
Anthony Dean:
   ... a couple are kissing each other at the bus depot?
   ... Homer doesn't seem to show homophobia towards the registration officer
       (as opposed to his attitude towards gays in the navy in [4F11])?

Nathan Mulac DeHoff:
   ... the hairless Barney looks a lot like Leon Kompowsky?
   ... Sherri and Terri don't sit next to each other on the bus?

Jordan Eisenberg:
   ... the Planet of the Donuts holds twinkies also?
   ... the donuts have four fingers?
   ... many of the WW1 Historical Recreationists have white hair?
   ... Sherri and Terri sit apart on the bus?
   ... the building next to the mall is called Hailstone's?  (Is this a real
       store?)
   ... Barney and his mom have the same voice?
   ... the clogged torpedo tube had Extra Fancy Potato Chips?
   ... Springfield Harbor is on the west coast?
   ... Sulu, apparently the sub driver, mentions Rigil Seven?  (See Comments)
   ... the janitor that dismisses Homer has the same voice as the 'nay' guy
       from 9F15?  (He must cause a lot of trouble considering where he
       works!)

Alex Foley:
   ... Lisa is the only kid without an earring?

Andrew Gill:
   ... Homer can keep his one eye sationary (like a glass one)?

Don Del Grande:
   ... the donut didn't burn away completely?
   ... Homer operates something besides his desk (probably for the first
       time since 7G11)?
   ... at the Bob Denver show, only Homer had his hat on, and Marge was
       the only civilian there?
   ... the submarine was the "USS Jebediah"?
   ... Bob Hope was still doing USO shows?  (He's even stopped doing his
       annual Christmas show)
   ... the radar screen included "843.6457" and "BYP"?  Someone's initials
       and phone number?
   ... there was a female officer at Homer's hearing, but she left without
       saying anything?
   ... that Navy civil servant had pictures of Lisa (in her "new" clothes
       from "Summer of 4 Foot 2") and Maggie (in "her very first dress"
       from "Lady Bouvier's Lover")?  Wait a minute...that wasn't in the
       show; that's in real life (I've worked for the Navy for over 13
       years, and not only do I have those pictures on my walls, but one
       of Lisa in her wedding dress, which is also part of my Windows
       wallpaper)

Tony Hill:
   ... Russian waters are colored red on the map?
   ... a Viking ship was among those surrounding the sub?

John Isles IV:
   ... Martin's earring was on his right ear, while just about everyone
       else's earring were on the left ear?
   ... Moe's dartboard isn't fully checked properly?

Joe Klemm:
   ... one of the navy men in the ad resembles Bart?
   ... Barney's mom was at the graduation ceremony?
   ... how many sea creatures saw the sub shake when Homer went "D'oh"?
   ... the news picture of Homer is holding a bottle of vodka?
   ... Barney drinking a beer underwater?
   ... a Viking ship as one of the ships surrounding the sub?

Haynes Lee:
   ... it took 4 calender years (1995,1996,1997,1998) to show the entire 3G
       production series?
   ... Marge didn't wear any earrings in this episode?
   ... female office looks like reporter Toby from "Deep Space Homer"?
   ... how crappy the submarines are drawn?
   ... Grampa has a picture of his farm behind him?

Tom Rinschler:
   ... Lisa reads "Junior Skeptic" magazine during the secne right after Homer
       is fired?
   ... according to the map, Sprigfield is definitely on the west (Pacific)
       coast?

Benjamin Robinson:
   ... in Homer's dream, jelly spurts out of the heads of jelly donuts when
       they're angry?
   ... Lisa reads "Junior Skeptic"? [See "Personal Comments & Observations"]
   ... Martin's skull earring?
   ... well, now you know which one is Sherri and which one is Terri.

==============================================================================
> Voice credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
   - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Donut Attorney, Giant Donut, Barney, Pastry
        Chef, Abe, Mrs. Gumble, Corn vendor, Lenin, Jack Marley)
   - Julie Kavner (Marge)
   - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph)
   - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
   - Hank Azaria (TV announcer, Naval recruiter, Apu, Moe, Recreationist
        instructor, Haiti Veteran, Kennedy, ear piercer, Russian/Soviet Union
        Representative, Mr. Sulu)
   - Harry Shearer (Donut Judge, Smithers, Mr. Burns, Skinner, Kent Brockman,
        United States Representative, Russian officer)

- Also starring
   - Michael Carrington (Drill Sargeant)
   - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Jimbo, female officer)
   - Rod Steiger (Captain Tenille)

- Special guest stars
   - Bob Denver (himself)
   - Michael Carrington (himself)

==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
   + "Crimson Tide" [movie]
     - episode title
     - story takes place on a nuclear sub
     - the way Homer meets up with the naval court {ji4}
     - a really obscure CT reference, outside Homer's court martial there's
       a guy walking the dog. The same thing was in CT outsidethe hearing on
       Hackman and Washington's actions (though I don't think you can see it
       in pan and scan versions) {ds}

I know. It's obscure. But that makes it just that more humorous.

   + "The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show"
     - tonight's couch gag

   + "Planet of the Apes" [movie]
     - Homer's dream

   + Victor Hugo's "Hunchback of Notre Dame"
     - The movie titled "Blunch Black of Blotre Blame" on TV {ji4}

   + JFK
     - "Ich bin eine Berliner" a famous quote of his {ad}

   + Betty Grable
     - Homer's cute picture of Marge (and Barney's disturbing picture of
       Homer) based on Grable's famous pin-up photo {bjr}

   + Gomer Pyle, USMC
     - Homer says "I like you" to his DI just as Gomer did when he first
       joined the Marines {ddg}

   + "In & Out" [movie]
     - "In & Out Ear Piercing" - but the story would have been written long
       before the movie [the animation, though? --hmw] {ddg}

   + "Gilligan's Island"
     - Bob Denver was Gilligan {hl}
     - Skipper constantly whopped Gilligan with his hat {hl}

   + "Star Trek"
     - One of the members of the submarine's crew is Dr. Sulu {ji4}
     - Voiced by George Takei (?) {ji4}

   + "An Office And A Gentleman"
     - Sergeant chewing out Homer is just like Lou Gossett Jr. chewing out
       gerbiler Richard Gere {hl}
     - haircut scene similar, polishing boots, throwing hats in air (but what
       boot camp movies does not have these scenes?) {hl}

   + "Deerhunter"
     - Russian roulette scene {hl}

   + The Three Stooges
     - Homer's reaction to losing the ship very Stooge-like {bjr}

   + The Captain & Tenille
     - the name, "Capt. Tenille" inspired by this Seventies pop duo {bjr}

   + "Star Trek"
     - the submarine's Mr. Sulu just like the Enterprise's {bjr}

==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- [7G03], [8F02], [8F09] Homer is fired from his job at SNPP {nmd}
- [7G03], [1F02] Homer causes an accident at SNPP {af}
- [7G04] Homer doodles a picture of a wreck when he is supposed to be working
         on something else {nmd}
- [7G05], [9F14]  Someone messes with anothers' dream by talking {je}
- [7G08] Bart wants a tattoo {nmd}
- [7F02] Homer impresses a superior merely by voicing his desire for food {ol}
- [7F19] Lisa is told she can't have her ears pierced {ad}
- [7F75] Do the Bartman {ol}
- [8F01] Veterans of Popular Wars hall appears.  Compare to the Veterans' hall
         in this episode {bjr}
- [8F07]  Homer's Foam Dome {je}
- [8F12], [9F17] Barney's mother mentioned {ad}
- [8F13] "Mmmm... donuts" {af}
- [1F03], [2F18] Homer is association with the military in some way {ad}
- [1F04] Homer and forbidden donuts {hl}
- [1F04] "I like the cut of his jib" {ol}
- [1F06] Homer gets raft hopelessly lost at sea {hl}
- [1F07] The giant-hand guy appears (Or at least, a guy with a giant hand.  It
         may not be the same man.) {bjr}
- [1F13] Barney joins the same program as Homer {ji4}
- [1F13] Homer uses a random inanimate object to save the day {ol}
- [1F15], [4F05] "Nucular" {nmd}
- [2F01] Homer's hair strands being cut off causes him distress {ad}
- [2F09] Grampa/communism {hl}
- [2F13] A Simpson causes an international incedent {nmd}
- [2F32] Someone reads from the Springfield Elementary School charter {nmd}
- [3F17] The earring guy had the same voice as the car rental agent {th}
- [3F22] Bart's attempt to "outcool" another fails {ol}
- [3G01] Lisa reads "Junior Skeptic" magazine
- [4F07] "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirts {ol}
- [4F18] Moe's cat appears {nmd}
- [4F18] Homer speaks Japanese {ol}

==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- At the recruiting station {bjr}

      THE NAVAL RESERVE
    IT'S NOT JUST A JOB...
    IT'S A REALLY EASY JOB


- Entertaining our troops {bjr}

    USO TOUR FEATURING
BOB HOPE AND CINDY CRAWFORD


- Entertaining our reserves {bjr}

     NAVAL RESERVE TOUR
          FEATURING
BOB DENVER AND CINDY WILLIAMS


- Before it was a Starbucks, it was... {bjr}

     IN 'N' OUT
    EAR PIERCING 
                        IF IT
                       DANGLES,
                     WE'LL PUNCH
                     A HOLE IN IT


- At the Veterans' hall {bjr}

       VETERANS OF
       UNPOPULAR
       WARS HALL

 (TWO WAR-STORY MINIMUM)


- On the bag of chips as Capt. Tenille is shot from the tube {bjr}

   EXTRA
   FANCY
   POTATO
   CHIPS


==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
= The donut that ate Homer cast a shadow with a hole in the middle, but its
  mouth does not go through its whole (no pun intended) [Yeah, right.. --hmw]
  head. {je}

* At first, Lisa said she might be proud of Homer.  She then said she was
  opposed to the military.  Afterwards, she says she IS proud of Homer! {je}

= The bedroom lamp light seems much brighter from outside than inside. In
  fact, in the clapper sequence, it's hard to realize that it's even on. {jr}

* The naval base being located right above a waterfall was pure nonsense. {th}

* Ships that size are not tied to docks; they drop anchor. {th}

= The lead singer of the Village People is black.  However, the animators made
  his skin color yellow. {ji4}

* If Smithers was really dancing to "In the Navy" on the sub (And his being
  there is a goof in itself) he would have drowned.  While technically this
  isn't a goof as it could easily be on purpose, killing off a character like
  that sure is a mistake!  (I realize Smithers was not actually killed off
  but I'm rationalizing as best I can.) {je}

* Everyone had orders not to fire at anyone but Greenpeace yet the crew
  listened to Homer's suggestion and fired the torpedos. {je}

* A pinhole leak couldn't fill the sub that fast. {th}

* How did Homer get his job at SNPP back?  (Maybe Burns rehired him after he
  was declared a hero.) {nmd}

* The only way to get a dishonorable discharge is by being court-martialed,
  which Homer wasn't. {th}

* How did Homer learn to say "It's my first day" in all of those languages?
  {nmd}

==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Lingo Billings: Perhaps the best of the season so far.  I was expecting this
   episode to be like all the others this season, work out jokes, over-planned
   Homer one liners (Is the poop deck what I really think it is?), but it
   actually turned out pretty good.  There were a few spots in the whole Homer
   training part of it that could have been better, and the Bart sub-plot left
   some to be desired, but some truely great moments kept me laughing.  And
   then I just recently read that this episode was made about 2 years ago,
   which explains a lot.  I just hope that the next episode will begin
   wrapping the season up well, instead of poorly, although I have a sinking
   feeling...  (A/A+)

Solon Boomer-Jenks: Well, I thought the episode was pretty good.  Just one
   question, though.  What was the point of Apu going with Homer, Barney, and
   Moe? It seems just degrading to his character.  We see him say he will go
   with them even though it is a disgrace to his religion, then the only other
   scene is his cigarette machine fantasy.  I think we could have done without
   that.  I'll give the episode a B.

Paul Canniff: My god! This episode was laugh-your-pants-off hilarious.
   Compared to duds that found their way into this season like "Bart Carny",
   it was a miles above any other episode I've seen this season.

   Starting with the couch gag, which really made me light up with joy, (who
   says couch gags have to take place on a couch?) I thought this was the best
   couch gag of the year, and possibly of all-time! It would be neat if they
   started spoofing the intros of other shows more often, after all, that's
   what The Simpsons is all about is poking fun at other people's work.

   And this episode was like a flashback to the prime of the series (the
   1992-1994 era) when each episode was filled to the brim with non-stop
   outragrous gags. I felt other episodes this season were dwelling in the
   "too realistic, too boring" realm [Stuck in the alternate dimension
   again? --hmw], but this episode had the substance which made The Simpsons
   be such a long-lasting show, surrealism.

   Although, a few things I had a problem with for being a little bit on the
   cartoony side, such as the ship of Emperor Penguins. But other than that,
   the "In The Navy" scene with The Village People had my seal of approval.
   My favorite scene was Bart boasting how you don't need an earring to be
   cool, and then breaking out with his infamous "Do The Bartman" song from 7
   years ago.

   I thought the most rushed character to appear was the entrance of Barney's
   mother, which wasn't really a character at all, merely a female version of
   Barney Gumble. They could have fleshed her out more and gave her an
   identity of her own. Also, showing Barney's mother as a drunken wash-up
   goes against the continuity of the flashback sequence where Barney is a
   well-educated High School student until Homer gives him the beer. If Barney
   used to be well-educated, I'm assuming his parents were well-educated as
   well. Although if you look at Lisa, you don't have to give any credit to
   her parents on how smart she is.

   Overall, a fabulous episode with minor continuity flaws.  (A-)

Chris Courtois: "Simpson Tide" was a throwback to the Season 6 style of
   episode, as the plot was merely a goofy framework on which to hang gags,
   some successful, others not. Like most Season 6 shows, the rating is
   basically a function of the ratio of good gags to duds. In this case, the
   more character driven gags such as Homer and Marge's bedtime games and
   Barney's mama worked, whereas most of the pop culture references were
   either dated (David Schwimmer and Margaret Cho references; heck - "Crimson
   Tide" wasn't *that* big of a hit that people would remember it 3 years
   later) or forced (the self-referential "Do the Bartman" bit). And it was
   nice to have some semblance of a subplot with the earring storyline.
   Overall, I laughed a lot more than I groaned, and give rate this episode
   an entertaining B.

Anthony Dean: This episode is probably the weakest of the 3G episodes (the
   Sherri Bobbins episode at least had its songs going for it), with the plot
   feeling like a script/series of gags that never got around to being used on
   "The Critic"; the "Homer-being-diplomatic-in-multiple-languages" joke, for
   example, was used on the "Critic" on more than one occassion. Most of the
   unusually high number of gags in this episode seemed either out-of-place,
   lacking in subtlety or just plain dumb (Smithers and the Village People
   showing up out of the blue to sing "In the Navy"? Penguins on a
   battleship?). The only things going for this episode were the couch scene
   (a new favorite for me :-) and the reference to the "Bartman" song.  (C-)

Nathan Mulac DeHoff: I really don't know what to make of this episode.  On the
   plus side, it kept me laughing.  The scene at the Naval recruitment office
   was very funny, as were several other scenes.  One major problem I found
   was that many of the gags, although quite humorous, were somewhat
   inappropriate in a show that usually strives to be realistic.  Examples of
   this were the dance scene with the Village People, the map gag, and the
   restoration of the Soviet Union.  The main plot was somewhat disjointed,
   and the Bart subplot wasn't that great, either, although I loved the "Do
   the Bartman" spoof.  The conclusion: As an amusing half-hour, it succeeded.
   As a Simpsons episode, however, it did not succeed very well.  (C)

Jordan Eisenberg: Not as spectacular as I had hoped, but a decent episode as
   usual.  Many lines were instant classics while others were recycled, not
   from past episodes, but from comedy in general (Example: Moe explaining to
   Homer what was 'in').  I had a hard time believing most of the episode.  If
   Moe, Barney and Apu so quickly joining Homer was supposed to be a joke, I
   didn't get it.  A good deal of it felt like I was reading a particularly
   racy fanscript: Milhouse blurting out about Marge, Springfield's location
   being handled so carelessly, Homer still doesn't have a job, Abe talking
   about porn stars, etc.  The plot moved too fast and was too disjointed to
   follow closely, and almost had me looking forward to the next of the 5F
   episodes, which have proven themselves easy to follow.  Not an episode to
   be ashamed of, but unfortunately, it was probably the worst of its time.
   (B-)

Don Del Grande: As a civilian employee of the Department of the United States
   Navy, I am not authorized to make comments without first receiving clearance
   from the Public Relations Department...but since I work at Naval Weapons
   Station, Concord, California, and PR is too busy thinking of ways to calm
   everybody over this "shipping foreign spent nuclear fuel rods en route to
   Idaho" business, I'll assume they'll give their OK and won't bother them
   with something trivial... it's nice to see a story with a subplot that
   actually plays a part in the main plot, and the plot didn't get in the way
   of the jokes.  (B+)

Tony Hill: This was a funny and rather unpredictible episode.  It is not
   altogether clear why we had to wait three years for it, which had the
   effect of making some of the topical humor dated.  Are we to believe now
   that Barney is gay?  And I do believe that was the longest couch gag ever.
   This ep is good for a B+, with a loss of some points for Homer not getting
   rehired by the end.

John Isles IV: Only problem with this one was a slow start.  After that, the
   story just kept coming up with laugh, after laugh, after laugh!  This one
   was funny, and that's all that really matters!  (A)

Joe Klemm: Tonight's episode was worth missing a half hour of Wrestlemania
   XIV. Every minute of it was very funny. Among the best moments include: the
   Rocky and Bullwinkle couch gag; Ralph's 1991 joke; the In the Navy bit.
   (A+)

Haynes Lee: Possibly the last episode worth watching. The dated Soviet
   references were good and this episode had the most improbable submarine
   crew since Operation Petticoat. Could have done a bit more with Bob Denver
   though than that token guest star appearance.  (A)

Jake Lennington: This has to be one of the best episodes of the Simpsons...
   EVER!  I cannot belive how funny this whole episode was.  From Simithers
   dancing with the Village People clones to the Crimson Tide refs, and
   watching Bart do the Bartman to the unimpressed kids on the bus.  Simpson
   Tide will probably be the peak of Humor that this show will reach this
   season. I've been waiting for this one for over a year and it was worth the
   wait.  (A)

Andrew Lias: For me, it was just way, way too weird of a premise, even for a
   Simpsons episode.  Mind you, sometimes they can make weird premises work,
   such as Homer becoming an astronaut.  The thing about that one, however,
   is that they took the bizzare concept and played it fairly straight, with
   only a mild leavening of surrealism.  "Simpsons Tide" was just weird, back
   to front.  The village people appearing out of the blue (with Smithers)?
   Barney having an erotic picture of Homer?  A Viking long-ship?  A
   battleship being staffed by freaking penguins!?

   The overall impression that I got was that someone was passing out some
   heavy drugs at the studio when this one was being produced.

   I will say that it wasn't entirely bad.  There were some good lines
   ("That's sooooo 1991"), and a few good setups, but the overall strangeness
   of the script left me feeling more perplexed than bemused.

Ondre Lombard: A surprisingly pleasing episode.  There were incredibly funny
   things from start to finish, and that's rare these days.  Not a lot of
   forced jokes, either.  I found Bart's "Do the Bartman" stunt extremely
   amusing in the fact that it's an in-joke on just how far Bart's popularity
   with the series has dropped.  Some ROTFL moments: the couch scene
   (probably the best couch scene ever), Homer botching the boat-tying, the
   Planet of the Doughnuts, Milhouse's crush on Bart's Mom, the Starbucks
   shops, the piercing sign (If It Dangles We'll Punch a Hole In It was so
   damn funny), Homer's dinner with the captain, Lisa's line about that photo
   haunting Homer, Grampa's interview, and the submarine farce at the end of
   act two.  As for the storyline, it was troubled. The episode barely passes
   the "Cape Feare" test (being enjoyable without actually having seen the
   movie it spoofs), as Moe and Barney's minimal involvement seems related on
   Crimson Tide (I have no idea.  I never saw Crimson Tide).  Also, Bart's
   desire for an earring is tough to weave in with the rest of the story.
   And, there's no resolution to Homer's firing, and Barney, Moe and Apu's
   decision to join the Navy is so sudden and impulsive that it's difficult to
   believe.  Lastly, act 3's funny business with Homer being accused of being
   a communistic spy and hijacking a naval vessel is weak material that is a
   smidge unrealistic.  All in all, a number of isolated gags and satire gave
   a relatively weak and disjointed storyline a world of support.  (B)

Michael K. Neylon: Well, the first two acts were definitely worth watching --
   the humor and comedy that they had were typical of the Simpsons.
   Unfortunately, the third act proved yet again that that current writers
   have difficulty finding ANY ending to a story once they've written
   themselves into a corner, and because of this, the overall quality of the
   episode dropped drastically because of this.

   I really can't point out anything directly in the first two acts to
   complain about -- I was ROTFL laughing at the couch scene and the "In
   The Navy" bit, plus giggles at several other scenes ("Milhouse is gay, I
   have proof").  However, see below for more.

   The third act, as soon as the situation changed from a local problem to a
   global one, turned this episode upside down, and it felt like there was
   a lack of direction from that point forth.  Making the situation a world 
   crisis was a bad move, because then they had to spend time on non-OFF
   related jokes (mind you, I liked Lenin rising from his grave... but to
   build to this joke...?)  And while there was some closure, as well as
   a good use of the subplot, overall, we lacked complete closure -- Homer
   is still jobless.  With a 5 second scene, they could have fixed that.
   Basically, this feels clumsy, and lacks the tightness of the best OFF
   episodes.

   Now, the two other points that I want to make are in regards to the show
   showing it's age or to the quality of the writers.  These two things
   are timing and predictiblity.

   With regards to timing, there seemed like a lot of scenes that paused to
   insert a flashback or a toss-away gag, then come back, and finish the
   main gag that was building.  (For example, Homer telling people to think
   of their loved ones).  These little breaks felt like hiccups to the 
   plot and jokes -- and thus, diminished the overall effects that the
   joke could of had.  Unfortunately, a lot of this isn't decided at the
   time of script writing, but during the direction of the episode -- but
   there are certainly measures that the writing staff can take to prevent
   those problems.  Again, something that could be cleaned up in future 
   episodes by the writing team.

   Secondly, and this is more a sign with age, is the predictiblity of the
   jokes.  A lot of them, I guessed the punchline correctly, which is 
   partially due to the number of OFF episodes, as well as other comedies,
   that I've seen.  While the writing staff can do some original endings
   to the jokes (For example, the naval vessel falling over the waterfall
   after Homer's knot failed to do its work), it's truly had to be that 
   original in slapstick comedy that this episode spotlighted.  However,
   a lot of that predictibility can be removed by having the joke paced 
   better -  to prevent the viewer from having enough time to think about
   the resolution of the joke - in order to make the jokes seem more 
   original. Again, something that's a matter of experience, and not easily
   grasped.

   Two other comments.  While Homer was (pleasantly) semi-intelligent, and 
   the rest of OFF and the major characters seemed in place, poor Lisa 
   seemed tossed between the anti-everything personna some on a.t.s. think
   she is, to the sweet innocent 8 year old that some of us adore.  She's 
   proud of her dad for something that earlier she completely resented?
   Again, tighten, tighten, tighten.

   Also, there's a lot more of the slapstick comedy (violation of the 
   laws of physics in order to make a joke) in this episode than the 
   older viewers would probably expect.  While the use of it in this
   episode gave me some good laughs, as compared with, say, Milhouse's
   dad's arm being cut off, I rather not see too much this type of humor...
   once in a while is fine for OFF, but not continuiously -- that's the
   job of something like Animaniacs.

   Don't get me wrong, I'm not terribly disappointed with this episode, but
   comparing it to a well crafted episode from the earlier seasons shows
   that the polish is just not there.  A few hours editing the script of 
   this one, with a revised 3rd act, would have given one of the better 
   OFF episodes ever. 

   IMO, of course :-)  (B-)

Jeremy Reaban:  This was a strange episode - I should have known from the
   Rocky and Bullwinkle coach gag. The whole story was pretty dumb, but it was
   fairly funny.  (B-)

Tom Rinschler: A very odd episode.  There were wonderful laughs, interspersed
   with long, slow periods.  The whole storyline seemed rather disjointed, a
   series of vignettes strung together along a thin plot.  On the plus side,
   not only was there a subplot, but it dovetailed neatly into the main
   storyline.  But in the end, the very good parts and the very bad parts
   cancel each other out into an average episode.  (B-)

Benjamin Robinson:  The title may suggest a parody of "Crimson Tide," but this
   episode played more like "Hot Shots," with its nutty and highly referential 
   humor.  Homer comes off very well in this one, as do most of the
   characters.  Some of their motivations were murky, though.  There's also a
   good subplot, where Bart joins the body-piercing crowd.  (Relax -- it's
   just an earring.)  Be sure to catch the opening couch gag, which is one of
   the best of the series.  (B+)

Matt Rose: Well, I have mixed feelings about this episode. I feel the plot was
   preposterous and had a dumb ending to it; but I was also laughing and
   laughing hard at many things. I feel like the first 2/3 of the episode were
   strong, but the episode seemed to suffer from the same "we can't think of a
   good ending" syndrome that the writing staffs of season 7, 8, and 9 suffer
   from. Highlights have to include Smithers dancing with the Village People
   and Bart doing the Bartman and Ralph's subsequent comment. A little too much
   slapstick humor for my taste, but still enough to make me laugh, and that's
   a major reason why I watch this show; even though I prefer the character
   driven humor and satire prevalent in past years. Overall, probably the
   second best of the 3G series behind Lisa's Sax.  (B-)

Thomas S.: I just want to say that I think "Simpson Tide" was great... for an
   episode of "The Critic".  It epitomizes the worst episodes of "The
   Simpsons": fast-paced gags, sophomoric humor, discontinuity, little or no
   ironic commentary, and a tacked-on plot which just serves as a set-up for
   quickie sight jokes.  But the worst sin of all is the fact that the gags
   in this show were unfunny!  Eg:  Homer and the Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots
   (yawn), the Deer Hunter spoof (come on, Krusty and Skinner playing Russian
   roulette?!), the anthropomorphic penguins on the S.S. Antarctica (just
   dumb), Barney's mother (seen it before), etc.  All-in-all a very
   dissatisfying episode with a couple of genuinely funny bits, such as the
   "don't ask, don't tell" segment with Homer and the navy recruiter and the
   "return of the Soviet Union" montage.  And to think I missed last week's
   Ralph Wiggum episode only to see this clunker!  But don't get me wrong, I
   still think this season has been pretty darn great.

==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> It's what all the sailors are wearing this year

Benjamin Robinson: It's ironic that Homer would object to Bart's earring, and
   not because he claims to have done the same thing at Bart's age.  Among the
   Merchant Marines, isn't it a tradition to get an earring after the first
   time you cross the equator?  Perhaps someone on a.t.s. can confirm this.
   In addition, the pirates in the pictures I see often have an earring
   dangling from one lobe.  I just thought it was funny, given the
   predominance of ear hardware among mariners, that Homer would oppose Bart's
   earring.


>> Don't ask me any questions, and I'll tell you no lies

Benjamin Robinson: When President Clinton took office, he wasted no time in
   dealing with one of America's most pressing issues.  Crime?  The economy?
   The schools?  Oh, get real.  I'm talking about the burning issue of
   whether or not to allow gays in the military.  One of his first official
   acts -- and perhaps <the> first act -- was order the military to admit
   homosexuals.  Controversy quickly ensued.  The military had long opposed
   adding gays to the ranks, and the general public either agreed with them
   outright, or was willing to go along.  Clinton backed away from the
   original policy.  Now, gays could be admitted, but only if they did not
   actually tell anyone about their sexual orientation.  In return, no
   military official would ask this question.  (And yes, it did used to
   appear on the admission form.  The scene where Homer tried to read the
   crossed-out part isn't that far-fetched.)  This compromise thrilled no
   one:  Homosexuals felt as though they were being stuffed back into the
   closet, and the military probably felt that gays were one group they were
   defending the country <from>.  Still, I think this is the policy that's in
   force today.

>> How Kennedy <really> got that war injury

Benjamin Robinson: During World War II, John Kennedy served as an officer on
   a PT-boat (PT-109, just like in the show).  The boat was sunk by the
   enemy, but Kennedy was rescued and taken to a military hospital.  While
   recuperating from his injuries, he wrote "Profiles in Courage," a book
   about politicians, both famous and obscure, who stood up for what was
   right, often at the expense of their careers and livelihoods.  The book
   was a huge success.  Kennedy had political aspirations himself, and both
   the book and his war wound helped to secure his election to Congress.
   The Presidency would come later.

   While Kennedy was President, trouble was brewing in Germany.  After the
   war, control of Germany was split among America, Britain, France, and the
   Soviet Union.  In 1961, the Soviets decided to take their part of Germany
   and go home.  Just in case any East Germans had any ideas about defecting
   to the West, the Soviets fortified the border with barbed wire and armed
   guards.  There was one fly in the ointment:  Berlin, the capital of
   Germany, was over on the Soviet side of the nation.  Kicking the Western
   Allies out of the capital wasn't practical -- an earlier attempt to
   starve them out by cutting off supplies failed -- so the Soviets built a
   stone wall, also fortified with barbed wire and trigger-happy guards, to
   separate the Western-allied Berliners from their counterparts in the East.
   Kennedy traveled to the newly split city to decry the Wall, and the key
   phrase from his address to the Germans was, "Ich bin ein Berliner."  (It
   means, I think, "I am a Berliner.")  Then he went home because, let's
   face it, he wasn't a Berliner.

   Incidentally, it's funny that Abe would mistakenly think that Kennedy was
   a Nazi.  His father, Joeseph P. Kennedy, actually is suspected of being a
   Nazi sympathizer.


>> Next stop:  The Y. M. C. A.

Benjamin Robinson: During the Age of Disco, "In the Navy" was a pop hit for
   the Village People.  The Village People had a penchant for donning
   stereotypical costumes (construction worker, Indian chief, cop, etc.) and
   doing synchronized dances on stage.  Supposedly, the group and their music
   had great appeal for the homosexuals (well, it's not like they were busy
   joining the military or anything), which is why Smithers materialized out
   of thin air to join them on the submarine.


>> The scandal of the day.  Or yesterday, at least.

Benjamin Robinson: "Tailhook" became the catch-name for a scandal that hit
   the Navy a few years ago.  Allegedly, a graduating class of Navy pilots
   held a party at which some young women were sexually harassed.  Have you
   ever heard a he-said, she-said argument?  Imagine that blown up to
   national proportions, and you have Tailhook.  The country took up sides,
   with one half saying (essentially) boys will be boys, and the women had
   no business attending a Navy party if they weren't into wild goings-on.
   The other half felt that this was just one more example of how men,
   especially men in traditionally male institutions, tended to keep their
   brains in their pants.  A big investigation, which was probably current
   when "Simpson Tide" was made, took place, but it ultimately petered out
   with a few token firings.


>> Parade of Stars

Benjamin Robinson: "Simpson Tide" seemed to mention an awful lot of stars
   (and at least one fictional character).  Here are some tidbits for the
   ones I caught:

   o Margaret Cho:  A Korean-American comedienne who had, for a season, her
     own show on ABC.

   o Colombo:  This detective, played by Peter Falk, had his heyday in the
     Seventies.  He always seemed to have "just one more question," (as Homer
     was trying to imitate) and the bad guys tended to underestimate
     Colombo's clue quotient.  In real life, Falk had a glass eye and a
     perpetual squint, which Homer also attempted to mimic.

   o Bob Hope:  Stand-up comic from the days when they weren't called
     "stand-up comics."  Hope would often tour with the USO, boosting the
     morale of our troops overseas.  He would usually bring along popular sex
     symbols of his day, which might explain the presence of ...

   o ... Cindy Crawford:  Supermodel and former wife of Richard Gere.

   o Bob Denver:  Actor who will forever be known as Gilligan, of "Gilligan's
     Island."  The clothes he wore onstage were the same ones he wore for that
     show, by the way.  (Note also the continuance of the maritime theme.)

   o Cindy Williams:  Actress who will forever be known as Shirley Feeney, of
     "Laverne and Shirley."  Pity they couldn't get her to do voice work for
     the show as well.

   o David Schwimmer:  One of the friends on the NBC show of that name.
     Schwimmer isn't handsome in the traditional movie-and-TV sense, but he
     does draw the ladies' attention in that Dustin Hoffman sort of way.


>> Where is Springfield?

- Definitely on the West coast. {hl}


>> Musical references

   + "Reunited"
     - written by Fekaris and Perren was a 1979 hit for the duo Peaches and
       Herb.  It contained the line "reunited and it feels so good." {th}

   + "Anchors Aweigh"
     - the official song of the U.S. Navy, was written by Alfred H. Miles,
       Royal Lovell, and Charles A. Zimmerman in 1906. {th}

   + "In The Navy" by the Village People

   + "Eternal Father, Strong to Save" is the Navy hymn.  It is also known by
     another set of words as "My Hope Is Built on Nothing Less."  It was
     played at the funeral of John F. Kennedy (among others) and was featured
     in the recent film "Titanic."

   + "The Girl from Ipanema" was written by Antonio Carlos Jobim and his
     lyricist Vincenino DeMoraes in 1963, and with an English lyric
     contributed by Norman Gimbel, it became a major hit in a recording by
     instrumentalist Stan Getz and vocalist Astrud Gilberto.  There was a
     real teenaged girl who inspired the song. DeMoraes saw her walking on
     the Ipanema beach in Rio de Janeiro. It was the elevator music in the
     sub. {th}


>> Lubbock...

Rcubed1: What is up with the Simpson's love/hate relationship with Lubbock...
   Simpson Tide was the second episode in which they mentioned my home town.

   The other was when Homer stopped going to church and Krusty came collecting
   donations, citing the Jewish Clown convention in Lubbock that got blown
   away by a tornado.

Matt White: Interesting pick up on the lubbock references.

   Speaking as someone who once drove through The Hub City of The Plains (and
   kept on going), i think the city serves as the Southwest's version of
   Modesto, Altoona, or Moline, IL - the mythical marginal city - not quite
   backwoods, not quite small town, but sure as hell not the big time.  I
   mean, its near the panhandle, and who wants to be in the panhandle... ANY
   panhandle?

   It's sort of the geographical version of having a job with a nametag - if
   you're 30 and in it, you screwed up somewhere along the line.

   I think the Simpson trade on that reputation when they want to lend
   something an air of shabbiness.

   "I'd like to introduce the people of San Francisco to Lubbock - but I
   don't think they're ready." - Molly Ivans.


>> Where is Springfield?

- From this ep, we'd have to say it's on the Pacific coast. {th}


>> Spooky thoughts

- Everyone's favorite extra-terrestrials, Kang and Kodos, have been known to
  inhabit a distant planet called Rigil Four.  Could Sulu, the submarine
  driver, have some connection to this otherworldly business? {je}


>> Stuff

- The name "Jebediah" does not appear in any ship name in the United States
  Navy (the closest: "USS JEB STUART"); however, there is a nuclear submarine
  named USS SPRINGFIELD (SSN-761), a Los Angeles-class submarine homeported
  in New London, CT (located near Mystic of "Mystic Pizza" fame). {ddg}

- One of the officers at Homer's hearing dismissed himself because he
  was indicted in the Tailhook scandal; there was a joke going around in Navy
  circles that the real high-ranking officers that were involved were taking
  the "Bart Simpson defense" - "I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you
  can't prove anything". {ddg}

- The League of Women Voters, founded in 1920, is an organization of women
  and men whose aim is to get people to vote and to promote discussions of
  policy questions related to voter participation. {th}

- President Clinton implemented a policy of "don't ask, don't tell" in 1993 to
  prohibit the military from carrying on witchhunts against homosexuals. {th}

- Some raptors are known to snatch people's hats, but I don't know of
  seagulls doing such. {th}

- "Columbo" was a crime series on NBC in the 1970s. {th}

- "In the Navy" was a hit for the Village People in 1978. {th}

- The former Soviet Union held a May Day parade annually in Moscow at
  which they showed off their military hardware.  They used to drive the
  same equipment around the block in front of the official observers so it
  would be reported that they had more stuff than they actually did. {th}

- The U.S. Navy has a group called the Tailhook Association (referring to
  the instrument which catches the cable on an aircraft carrier
  facilitating a plane's landing) which holds a convention every year. 
  Some years ago a group of women complained of being raped and mauled at
  the convention. {th}


>> Miscellaneous

- MPAA rating: TV-PG {ddg}

- Haynes Lee's alterna-title for tonight's episode is "Das Butte."

- Jordan Eisenberg's alterna-title is "The Secret War of Homer Simpson."

==============================================================================
> Quotes and scene summary (transcribed by John Ogan)
==============================================================================
% Act one.  Homer is standing in chains before a court composed completely 
% of immense, talking doughnuts of various shapes, colors, and flavors.  The
% judge, assumably, is a white doughnut seated at a table across from him.

White Doughnut: Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the 
                population of the planet of the doughnuts!
                [The doughnut onlookers give out a mass yell of protest.]
 Pink Doughnut: As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu...
                hey!  Did you just take a bite out of me?
         Homer: Uh... maybe.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Homer's bizarre dream comes to an end after he is eaten by a large brown
% ball.  It turns out he's napping at his station in sector 7G, where Lenny 
% is shaking him. They go for their coffee break. There is only one donut
% left, so Homer insists that they enlarge it in the reactor core by
% exposing it to radiation.

% Homer, placing the doughnut into an isolated reaction room, manipulates
% it by means of a joystick into a container of bright green goo.  A 
% caption reading "Ten Minutes Later" displays, showing a cooling tower on 
% fire outside the nuclear power plant.  Smithers, dressed in a radiation 
% suit, discovers what the problem was.  He holds the charred remains of 
% Homer's last doughnut in a pair of tongs.

Smithers: Uh, sir, we found the problem.  Some idiot threw this in the
          reactor core.
   Homer: [sees charred doughnut] Success!
   Burns: You did this?  How could you be so irresponsible?
   Homer: Eh... it's my first day!
   Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day.  
          Very well, carry on!
          [Mr. Burns begins to walk off, when Smithers catches up with him.]
Smithers: Sir, that's Homer Simpson.  He's been working here for ten years!
   Burns: Ohh, really?  Why did you think you could lie to me?
   Homer: It's my first day!
   Burns: Well, why didn't you say that be...[realizes] Yawoo! You're fired!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Homer, in his pajamas, sits on his couch watching television, remote in
% hand.  Lisa sits at his feet, reading the latest issue of "Junior Skeptic".
% Homer is sad because of his sudden unemployment.

Announcer: Next, on Exploitation Theatre... Blackula, followed by 
           Blackenstein, and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame!
    Homer: [watching] Oooh, funky!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% But first, a commercial for the Navy comes on.

Announcer: Daybreak: Tucawka.  The proud men and women of the Navy are 
           fighting for freedom.  But you're in Lubba, Texas, hosing stains 
           off a monument.  You're in the Naval Reserve.  America's 
           seventeenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National 
           Guard, and the League of Women Voters.  After basic training, 
           you'll only have to work one weekend a month.  And most 
           of that time, you're drunk off your ass.
-- And how, "Simpson Tide"

% Homer decides to join.

% Homer visits the local recruitment office for the Naval Reserve.

Recruiter: Just fill out this form, and you're on your way to the reserve.
    Homer: There's a question that's crossed out.
Recruiter: Well... due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to
           ask that particular question.
    Homer: I think I can make it out!  [reading] "Are you a homosex..."
Recruiter: For God's sake, don't answer that, I could go to jail!
    Homer: But I'm not a...
           [The Recruiter covers his ears and starts singing.]
Recruiter: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, I am not lis-ten-ing!  La, la, la, 
           la, la...[exits]
    Homer: Nice fella.  I wonder if he's gay?
-- We call ourselves gay... because we are gay, "Simpson Tide"

% In bed, Marge confronts Homer about this latest stunt.

Marge: Homey, I really don't think this Navy thing is a good idea.  What if
       you get called into combat?
Homer: Not to worry, honey.  We live in a highly technological age where
       fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light!
       [To illustrate, Homer claps his hands together twice and looks at the 
       lamp.  Having no luck, he continues clapping.]
Marge: We don't have a clapper.
Homer: Sorry, I can't hear you Marge, I'm clapping.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Homer, frustrated, throws the lamp out his window, shattering the glass.  
% It lands in the front yard.

% Later, Homer announces his new occupation to his friends at Moe's tavern.

 Homer: Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
Barney: Where you going?
 Homer: I've joined the Naval Reserve!
Barney: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend.  I'm
        joining too!
   Moe: Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best
        customers.  I'm joinin' too!
   Apu: And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the 
        hey!  I'm in too!
-- Ahimsa is lost on him, "Simpson Tide"

% The four knock their mugs together in a toast.

Homer: Gee, thanks guys.  This is just like "The Deerhunter".
  Moe: "The Deerhunter"?  Ah, hah, that reminds me...
       [Moe runs into a room in the back where Principal Skinner and Krusty
       the Clown sit at a table.  Tough-looking Asians stand all around
       them, and one sits with them, handing a gun to Krusty while shouting
       in another language.]
  Moe: [interrupting] I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while.
       Sorry.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Homer prepares to say goodbye to his family while waiting for the bus
% to pick him up at the Naval Reserve.

Homer: See you in a week!
 Lisa: Good luck, Dad!  Although I'm morally opposed to the Military 
       Industrial Complex of which you are now a part.
Homer: Aw, that's sweet, honey.  I'll bring you back a hat.
 Bart: Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.
Homer: No.
 Bart: But Flanders got his kids torpedoes!
Homer: Oh, he did, did he?  I'll show him!  I'll bring you a weapon of
       unimaginable destructive power!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: But only if you're good! [to Bart] Even if you're not.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% At basic training, Homer lines up for inspection, as his Drill Sargeant
% gives the usual introduction for new recruits.

Drill Sargeant: All right, you thumb-sucking worms.  Let's get one thing
                straight.  Your mommas ain't here to help you.
        Barney: Mine is!
                [A woman resembling Barney, not far away, belches.]
-- That showed him, "Simpson Tide"

% In the camp barbershop, the naval trainees are given the appropriate
% haircuts.  When it comes to Homer's turn, he balks.

No way, man!  My hair is who I am!
-- Homer, "Simpson Tide"

% The barbers shave Homer anyway, removing the few strands of hair Homer 
% has left.

Ohh, I'm a freak!
-- Homer loses his hair, "Simpson Tide"

% In their private quarters, Homer puts up a black-and-white picture of
% Marge by his bunk.  Barney counters by putting up a similar picture,
% this one of what looks like Homer dressed as a woman.  Homer looks on 
% questioningly.  Some time later, the Drill Sargeant inspects the
% freshly-shaven recruits' appearances.

Drill Sargeant: Tuck in that shirt!  Shine those shoes, mister!  [arrives at
                Homer's place in line] Oh, for the love of...
         Homer: Eh, a seagull took my sailor hat.
Drill Sargeant: All right, Simpson.  I don't like you, and you don't like 
                me.
         Homer: I like you.
Drill Sargeant: Um, all right.  You don't like me, but I don't like you.
         Homer: Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.
Drill Sargeant: What are you, a comedian?
         Homer: Well, I'm no Margaret Show!  But I do a pretty fair
                Columbo impression.
                [Homer turns his head away momentarily and turns back
                around.]
         Homer: [doing impression] Eh, one more si...[coughs]...one...I
                should get a glass of water.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% The Drill Sargeant snarls frustratingly at Homer.  Switch scenes to later,
% where Homer ties a large rope to the dock.

         Homer: There, the perfect sheepshank!
Drill Sargeant: Very nice, Simpson.  But next time, tie the other end to the
                ship!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% A large vessel drifts away, out to sea, and off a waterfall.  The shouts
% of men are heard as the boat falls to the rocks.  It doesn't seem to matter
% much, however, as graduation day soon comes for Homer.

Drill Sargeant: Congratulations, sailors.  You're all in the Naval Reserve!

% The graduates throw their sailor hats into the air.  Move to a graduation
% ceremony for pastry chefs.

Chef: [ridiculous French accent] Congratulations!  You are all pastry chefs!

% The graduting chefs throw their hats into the air.  Switch scenes to
% yet another gradution ceremony, where students in World War I era 
% spike-topped German helmets listen to the speaker.

Instructor: Congratulations!  You are all World War One historical 
            re-creationists!

% The men throw their hats up, which immediately point back down at them 
% while traveling in the air.  "Uh oh," the graduates say in realization.

[End of Act one.  Time: 6:32.]

% Act two.  Bart and Milhouse are waiting for the school bus.

Milhouse: Hey, Bart.  Check out my new earring.  Pretty cool, huh?
    Bart: Milhouse, my Mom wears earrings.  Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No!  I think she's hot!  Sorry... it just slipped out.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% The bus pulls up, and Milhouse gets on first.  He stands in front of the
% rest of the kids, who, upon noticing the earring, go silent.

Jimbo: Hey look!  Milhouse has an earring!
       [Everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition
       of his newfound coolness.]
 Bart: Hey, if you want cool, check this out.
       [Bart starts to "Do the Bart, Man", dancing at the front of the bus.]
 Bart: [singing and dancing] Everybody if you can do the Bart, Man!  Shake 
       your body turn it out if you can, can!  Do the Bart, Man, yeah!
       [The children look on, unimpressed.]
Ralph: That is so 1991.
-- Irony rears it's ugly head, "Simpson Tide"

% At the Springfield Elementary playground, Bart and Milhouse hang out on
% the jungle gym, where Principal Skinner confronts Milhouse about his breach
% of school dress code.

 Skinner: Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing
          of earrings unless you're of Gypsy obstraction.
Milhouse: Well, uh, I'm a Gypsy.
 Skinner: Oh, really!  Prove it.
Milhouse: [imitating a vampire] Uh, I vant to suck your blood!
 Skinner: Uh-uh, that's a vampire.  But, uh, they're also covered.  
          Carry on.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% After watching Homer use his new skills as a member of the Naval Reserve
% to help his marriage, we shift scenes to the "Veterans of Unpopular Wars"
% building, where Abe drinks a beer with a man wearing an eyepatch.

Man With Eyepatch: Lost this eye in Haiti.  I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I
                   forgot to take the little parasol out.
-- Unpopular war stories from unpopular wars, "Simpson Tide"

    Abe: That's not a war story!  I'll tell ya a war story!  I was on PT-109 
         with John F. Kennedy!  I was the first to discover his terrible 
         secret...
         [In Abe's flashback, he and three other seamen listening to Kennedy,
         who's standing at the front of the boat.]
Kennedy: Ich bin ein Berliner.
    Abe: [gasps] He's a Nazi!  Get him!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% The four of them start beating on Jack; later, at the Naval Reserve Tour,
% Bob Denver, dressed in his Gilligan outfit, is on stage, addressing the
% group of sailors.

And another thing!  When people come up to me and say, "Hey, little buddy!",
and hit me over the head with a hat, that's not funny.  That hurts!
[The crowd laughs and claps.]
Stop laughing at me!!
-- Bob Denver, "Simpson Tide"

% Back at home...

Homer: You know, Marge, joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did.
       I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country, and later I'm going
       to get Gilligan's autograph.
Marge: I'm so proud of you, Homey!
Homer: Then I'll whomp him with my hat! [laughs]
-- "Simpson Tide"

% On a totally unrelated note, Bart, while walking through the Springfield
% Mall, passing several Starbucks, goes into a store called "In and Out 
% Piercing".

Employee: Can I help you?
    Bart: I'd like to get my ear pierced.
Employee: Well, better make it quick, kiddo.  In five minutes this place is
          becoming a Starbucks.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Bart gets his ear pierced, and has a diamond-shaped clear stone inserted
% into the new hole.  As he leaves the store, it, like all of the other stores
% above and around it, is transformed into Starbucks.  Bart goes home.

 Bart: Hello, everybody!  Sparkle, sparkle!
Homer: [sees earring, angry] Bart!
 Lisa: An earring, how rebellious!  In a conformist sort of way.
-- She speaks the truth, "Simpson Tide"

Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
 Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
 Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff?!  I'm there!
Homer: Get back here, boy.  You're a disgrace to this family and its proud
       naval tradition.
 Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me!
Homer: Oh...I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
 Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No!
-- It looks cheap, "Simpson Tide"

% Bart, new earring in place, shows up at school expecting the benefits of
% being cool, but instead only finds that everyone's got one now.  Even Ralph
% Wiggum, whose star-shaped ornament is caught on his shirt, bending his neck
% awkwardly.

Ralph: My neck hurts and my ear hurts!  I have two owwie's!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Homer and his fellow members of the Naval Reserve are briefed about the
% upcoming activities.

Officer: Next weekend, we're having our annual war games.  Now Simpson, 
         because of your many years as a nuclear technician, we're putting 
         you on a nuclear sub.
  Homer: "Nuc-u-lar".  It's pronounced "nuc-u-lar".
Officer: Oh, whatever.
  Homer: "Nuc-u-lar".
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Later, Homer says good-bye to his family in the rain before leaving for
% the war games.  Lisa, in her raincoat, hugs her father good-bye.

 Lisa: Be careful, Dad.
Homer: Oh, Lisa, it's just war games.  It's not like a game could hurt me.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Homer imagines a game hurting him--Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots--as his head
% is attacked by toy robots on either side of him.

Damn you, "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots"!  Can't we all just get along?
-- Homer, "Simpson Tide"

% Homer is broken out of his daydream with the concerns of Marge.

Marge: Are you sure you'll be okay?
Homer: We have orders not to fire on anybody but Greenpeace!  [kisses Marge]
       Well, I guess that's everyone.  Except earring boy.
 Bart: Come on, Dad.  Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a kid?
Homer: Well, when I was ten I got my ear pierced.  But this is completely
       different!
-- A double standard, "Simpson Tide"

% Bart bitterly gives the earring to Homer, and runs off.  Later, the crew
% of the U.S.S. Jebediah stands, waiting for the Captain to speak.

Announcer: Attention on deck!  Captain Tenille wishes to address you!
  Tenille: [clears throat] I'm a man of few words. [pause] Any questions?
    Homer: Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?
  Tenille: [laughs] I like the cut of your jib.
    Homer: What's a jib?
  Tenille: [laughs, then speaks to announcer] Promote that man.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% The submarine, sailing at surface level across the sea, is under the
% command of Captain Tenille, who explains to us naval tradition while 
% smoking a cigar.

Tenille: The Navy has a fine sense of tradition.  Whenever an American 
         vessel leaves port, the crew sings this ancient sea chanty.  Ah 
         one, ah two, ah three, ah four...

% The entire crew begins singing "In The Navy".  Homer, Moe, and Barney 
% mop and dance to the music, while the Village People dance on deck with
% Smithers.  As the song winds down, Tenille throws his cigar into the water
% and climbs down the hatch with the rest of the crew on-deck.  The Village
% People are left to sink or swim, and apparently, they sink, as only a 
% construction helmet, an Indian headdress, and a cowboy hat remain floating
% in the water.

% Later, after the ship is submerged, a whale passes by the ship, emitting
% a shrill cry.  Several officers sit inside a crowded room, enjoying dinner.

Tenille: Did you hear that?  The whales are hungry.  Homer?  Join us.
  Homer: Thank you.
Tenille: Tell me, young man, what do you want out of life?
         [While Tenille was speaking, Homer was busy trying to reach a bowl
         of peas from the center of the table.]
  Homer: I want peas!
Tenille: We all want peace!  But it's always just out of reach.
  Homer: [moans] Uh huh?
Tenille: So, what's the best way to get peace?
  Homer: With the knife!
Tenille: Exactly!  Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet!  Ha, ha, 
         Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
  Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.
-- But not as ugly!, "Simpson Tide"

% A female officer comes into the room.

Female Officer: Sir, I was running a diagnostic and there was an obstruction 
                in torpedo tube number one.
       Tenille: I'll take care of it! [thinks] Oh, what the hell!  
                Simpson, while I'm gone, you're in command!
         Homer: Me?
Female Officer: Him?
       Tenille: Yes!  Maybe it's the saltwater in my veins, or the 
                nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've taken a real 
                shine to you. (walks off)
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Tenille goes to the torpedo room.  Barney and his mother are on duty
% there.

    Tenille: [to Barney] Seaman!  Open that torpedo tube!
Mrs. Gumble: You'll never get a response talking to my son like that!  You
             gotta poke him with a stick! (pokes Barney)
     Barney: Mom, I don't wanna go to school today...[snores]
    Tenille: Oh, for God's sake!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% With the torpedo tube open, Captain Tenille makes a shocking discovery.
% Inside, beer and bags of potato chips were being kept.

% In the command room, Homer enjoys his comfy new captain's job.  Moe, 
% serving alongside him, sees a red blip on sonar. It's an enemy sub.
% The submarines are too close for comfort...

Female Officer: Fifteen seconds to collision!  We need a decision.
         Homer: Hmm, what would the Captain say in my spot?
                [From inside the torpedo tube, fishing out garbage,
                Captain Tenille yells.]
       Tenille: Don't fire the torpedoes!
         Homer: Fire the torpedoes!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% The captain is shot out into the water; he flies head-first into the
% enemy sub.  On the nearby enemy ship, the crew decides to fire back.

% A torpedo, shot from the enemy ship, strikes Homer's sub.

We're losing power!  We're losing backup power!  We're down to mood
lighting here!
-- Moe, "Simpson Tide"

% Mood music plays, to which Homer dances.  He stops after getting a
% harsh look from the female officer.

% The submarines sails off into the water.

[End of act two.  Time: 14:55.]

% Act three.

Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
  Moe: Sonar: out.  Navigation: out.  Radio: out.
Homer: Enough of what's out!  What's in?
  Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Homer needs a way to get home without any equipment.

Homer: [writing] Yes...uh huh...carry the two... [crumples up paper]  All
       right.  I can't waste any more time.  People's lives are depending
       on me.  Mr Sulu?  Make a left!
 Sulu: Aye-aye, captain.  Setting course for Rigel-7.  I mean.. home.
       [nervous laugh]
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Homer changes his mind, and decides to take a right instead.
% With this, Homer's submarine travels from the safety of Springfield 
% Harbor out to sea, where it bounces off a drawing of a star ("D'oh!") on 
% the map, and drifts out to Russian waters.  Back in Springfield, the 
% Simpsons, minus Homer, watch the evening news.

Brockman: Well sir, treason season started early this year, as a nuclear
          sub was hijacked by local man Homer Simpson.
          [A picture of Homer, dressed as a drunk, dancing Russian, pops
          up on the screen.]
   Marge: Oh my God!
    Lisa: I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.
-- "Simpson Tide"

Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist?  His father spoke out on his
          behalf.
     Abe: My Homer is not a communist.  He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot,
          a communist, but he is not a porn star!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% At the UN Building in New York City, a meeting of nations is in progress.

 Russian official: The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to 
                   your wayward vessel.
American official: The Soviet Union?  I thought you guys broke up.
 Russian official: Yes, that's what we wanted you to think! [laughs]
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Well, it looks as if the century's greatest lie has been exposed, as
% communist factories start producing tanks again, the Berlin Wall re-erects
% itself out of the ground, and Lenin rises from the grave, saying "Must 
% Crush Capitalism, Rrr!".  These new developments in world politics panic
% many, including Principal Skinner, who addresses his students.

Skinner: Children, I'll be frank.  In the event of nuclear war, we can
         only save our best, and brightest.  Therefore, space in the fallout
         shelter will be reserved for: Lisa Simpson, Martin Prince, our
         championship kickball team, and Sherri, but not Terri.
-- The 'Superfriends' didn't make the cut?, "Simpson Tide"

% Terri walks off the stage, dejected.  Nelson gives the usual "Ha, Ha!".
% Meanwhile, the Americans are busy trying to hunt Homer down.
% They decide to drop the depth charges.
% The depth charges explode around Homer's sub, shaking it violently.
% Barney radios Homer, in the command room, with bad news.

Barney: May day, may day!  The engine room has sprung a leak!  It's filling
        up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!
 Homer: You mean water?
Barney: Yeah, that's it.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Homer tells the crew they are in a tough spot and they may not get out.
% He tells them to think of their loved ones.
% While Moe dreams of a red-colored cat, Apu dreams of a cigarette 
% machine.  Homer, however, enters dreamland to think of his family, and 
% is enraged by thoughts of Bart and his earring. He realises Bart's
% earring could plug the pinhole leak.

% Homer, reawakening, runs to the leak, where he goes underwater and 
% sticks Bart's earring into the hole.  It plugs the leak successfully, 
% and Apu, Moe, and the Female Officer cheer.

  Apu: You saved us, Homer!
Homer: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface!
  Moe: You wanna stop callin' me "Mr. Moe"?
Homer: No.
-- Homer, Mr. No-Means-No, "Simpson Tide"

% The submarine surfaces.  Homer opens the hatch and sticks his head out,
% only to see his ship surrounded by several others, all pointing guns at
% him.

American: Attention Homer Simpson: you have ten seconds to explain your
          actions before we open fire.
   Homer: Uh...it's my first day!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% Laughter comes from those on the English speaking boat.  Homer then 
% proceeds to address the international crews in their native languages.  He 
% speaks in Spanish, Chinese, and 'Penguin'.  Back in Washington, however, 
% Homer has to face the music before a committee of five admirals.

Admiral #1: Seaman Simpson, your actions have given the Navy a black eye
            from which it may never recover.  I would throw the book at you,
            but I've been indicted on the Tailhook scandal.  Goodbye!
Admiral #2: I, too, would punish you, but, I'm under indictment for 
            accepting bribes from military contractors.
Admiral #3: I torpedoed a Carnival Cruise ship.
Admiral #4: Impersonating the First Lady!
-- "Simpson Tide"

% The fifth admiral doesn't even decide to speak, but instead files out,
% like the other four, in non-prosecution.  Homer stands in an empty room, 
% except for the janitor, who says "I think you're off the hook." "Woo
% hoo!"

% Back in Springfield, Homer reunites with his family.

Marge: A dishonorable discharge.  It's the best we could've hoped for!
Homer: You can't spell 'dishonorable' without 'honorable'!
-- "Simpson Tide"

 Lisa: [hugs Homer] I think you're a hero, Dad!
Homer: Well, I couldn't have done it without Bart.  Boy, I guess I was wrong
       about that earring.  It saved us all.
 Bart: Hey, can I get a tatoo that says "Bite Me"?  You never know when it
       might come in handy!
Homer: I don't think so, son.
 Bart: King Cobra?  
Homer: No.
 Bart: Weapons-grade plutonium?
Homer: Ask your mother.
 Bart: Knock-out drops?
Homer: No.
 Bart: Ninja death stars?
Homer: Maybe for Christmas.
-- "Simpson Tide"

% As the family walks into the setting sun, we fade out to a military-
% orchestra version of the Simpson theme.

[End of act three.  Time: 20:51.]

==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{ad}  Anthony Dean
{af}  Alex Foley
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{ds}  David Serchay
{je}  Jordan Eisenberg
{hl}  Haynes Lee
{ji4} John Isles IV
{jo}  John Ogan
{jr}  Jeremy Reaban
{nmd} Nathan Mulac DeHoff
{ol}  Ondre Lombard

==============================================================================
> Legal mumbo jumbo
==============================================================================
[3G04] capsule copyright 2002, Hari Michael Wierny. (The quotes remain the
property of Fox, and the reproduced articles remain the property of their
respective authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.) Not to be
redistributed in public forum without permission.

Thanks to Benjamin Robinson and Frederic Briere for providing me with the
a.t.s. archives necessary for completing the capsule to it's fullest.