Dennis:
Oh, I just remembered. You're boring. And my legs work.

Dennis:
Ooh, a sex dream. How was I?

Maya:
Absent.

[Jack is complaining about his problems with Maya to Dennis]

Dennis:
Let's try a little word association. Boring.

Jack:
Mundane.

Dennis:
Endless.

Jack:
Eternal.

Dennis:
Outside-of-job responsibilities.

Jack:
[pause] Fired.

Wally:
Hello, and welcome to Wallyphone. If you are Maya Gallo and have an excuse for blowing me off, press one now.

[upon receiving a gift of a fish tank containing an exotic fish from Jack]

Kevin Liotta:
Oh, wow. I'm gonna name my new fish Jack Gallo.

Dennis Finch:
I'll give you twenty bucks if you eat him.

Kevin Liotta:
[opening lid on tank] C'mere you little bastard.

Nina Van Horn:
So me and Cherise are out with the French diplomats, and long story short... Ta-da!

Maya Gallo:
Wow! Is that an engagement ring?

Nina Van Horn:
I don't know. I woke up this morning in the floor of my apartment and I coughed up this. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Chris:
I'd like to stay here yakking, but those mices aren't going to kill themselves. Meese? Mouses?

Maya Gallo:
Mice.

Chris:
Dammit, I knew that one!

Nina Van Horn:
He's cute, he's muscular, he's all yours.

Maya Gallo:
But it's not going to go anywhere.

Nina Van Horn:
It only has to go one place.

Maya Gallo:
Nina!

Nina Van Horn:
Your heart. I'm kidding, I meant the other place.

Jack Gallo:
Kevin is one of God's creatures. God's creatures do not eat garbage.

Kevin Liotta:
Raccoons eat garbage.

Jack Gallo:
Kevin, please! You have garbage breath.

Jack Gallo:
Society is turning into a cesspool, and you're deep-sea diving.

Dennis Finch:
I know what this is about. You want to watch Kevin eat garbage.

Jack Gallo:
No, I don't.

Dennis Finch:
The circus is in town, and Big Daddy wants to peek under the tent.

Jack Gallo:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Dennis Finch:
You needs it, you wants it, and you gotsa, gotsa haves it!

Maya Gallo:
He's not dumb. He knows about bugs and tools and... stuff.

Nina Van Horn:
See? You're getting dumber already. His dumbness is rubbing off on you.

Maya Gallo:
Stop calling my boyfriend dumb! Oh, my God! I called him his boyfriend! I have a boyfriend!

Nina Van Horn:
Don't get pregnant. That dumb baby will never find his way out.

Chris:
My dreams can be summed up in three words: Yankee jacket coat.

Maya Gallo:
I am a terrible person. I just did something horrible. Don't you want to know what I did?

Nina Van Horn:
I don't know, eat cheescake? Isn't that what you girls agonize about?

Maya Gallo:
You're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for.

Chris:
Thanks. Could you tell my wife that? She thinks I'm an idiot.

Maya Gallo:
Nina, will you please tell your cult that Elliot and I are not really married?

Nina Van Horn:
First of all, it's a church, not a cult, so open your mind. And second, as a deserter, I'd be tied up and caned.

Nina Van Horn:
No offense, but don't you think cat shows are a tad on the geeky side?

Dennis Finch:
Geeky? Let me drop a little history on you. Egyptian pharaohs worshiped cats, they were cool. MacGyver had cats, he was cool. And need I remind you of the longest running show on Broadway?

Nina Van Horn:
Chippendales?

Nina Van Horn:
Dennis, who has the key to petty cash?

Dennis Finch:
Uh, anyone else but you?

Nina Van Horn:
When will you come clean to her about your action figure collection?

Dennis Finch:
Uh, the day when you officially turn forty.

Nina Van Horn:
Seven years is a long time, my friend.

Nina Van Horn:
The Church of the Rising Star is a dark and powerful religion with beliefs that stretch back to the mid-80s. So watch your back, refuse all refreshments, and don't say, "Hi, priest" to the high priest. It's not as funny as you think.

Elliot DiMauro:
Hey, Dennis. You made the tabloids.

Dennis Finch:
Let me see.

Elliot DiMauro:
[reading] "Is model Adrienne Barker wilder than we thought? The leggy beauty was spoted on the beaches of Tahiti with a topless, blond gal pal."

Dennis Finch:
Buying that Speedo was a mistake.

Nina Van Horn:
I know I'm not one to give advice, or take it, or pay for a round of drinks, but one can't just wake up one morning and decide to be a different person.

Dennis Finch:
Said the New York socialite who grew up on a hog farm.

Maya Gallo:
You may not take this seriously, but I haven't been asked out in two weeks.

Elliot DiMauro:
Have you even been asked?

Maya Gallo:
Obviously, I must be giving out some sort of vibe.

Jack Gallo:
Hey, Elliot. Whatcha looking for?

Elliot DiMauro:
Back issue.

Jack Gallo:
Which one?

Elliot DiMauro:
It... it had a health article in it.

Jack Gallo:
Can I help you?

Elliot DiMauro:
I found it.

Jack Gallo:
Oh, July. Wasn't that the one with the piece on impotence? Hey, Maya! Didn't you write that piece on impotence?

[awkward pause]

Jack Gallo:
What's that? Line two?

[leaves]

Elliot DiMauro:
I'm not a machine!

Jack Gallo:
Look who's back! Did you bring me back a starfish?

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, and a can of sunshine. [pause] You weren't kidding, were you?

Jack Gallo:
Remember, I waved goodbye and said "Bring me back a starfish!"

Dennis Finch:
I thought you were joking.

Jack Gallo:
No matter. We're just glad you're back. [to Elliot] I could not have been more clear.

Elliot DiMauro:
Do I look racked with guilt? No. [cut to Elliot in bed with his date]

Co-star:
Has this ever happened before?

Elliot DiMauro:
No!

Elliot DiMauro:
Look, with all due respect to your religion...

Larry Fenwick:
Oh, it's not my religion. I'm just a hired gun. But be careful, there are listening devices on the walls. I'm just kidding. I'm just lightening the mood.

Larry Fenwick:
Keep the pens. They're tracking devices. Again, kidding. But they do make those.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, who do I call to buy this glorious day?

Dennis Finch:
Uh... the rich weird guy store?

Kevin Liotta:
Wow. Babies. It's weird to think we all started out only this big.

[holds hands about two feet apart]

Nina Van Horn:
Ow.

Dennis Finch:
[rapping] Una noche, se?orita / Hooked up like steak fajita / Your lips taste like sangria wine / I feel your jeans with a silky behind.

Nina Van Horn:
You know, after your second divorce you were on the second floor, and now after your fifth divorce, you're on the fifth floor. Isn't life delicious?

Elliot DiMauro:
Have you told Nina and Finch yet about your father?

Maya Gallo:
Not yet. I bought this for Dennis. He's really going to take this divorce hard.

Elliot DiMauro:
[reads title of book] Don't Cry, Daddy Still Loves You.

Maya Gallo:
It really helped me a lot when dad divorced my mom.

Elliot DiMauro:
Maya, you were a child. Dennis is a grown man.

Maya Gallo:
He laughs hysterically every time my friend Dick calls.

[Elliot giggles]

Maya Gallo:
Oh, good. Nina, you're here. I want you to listen to this too. I have a little announcement to make.

Nina Van Horn:
That was the only clean outfit in your closet?

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, bring in the circulation reports.

Dennis Finch:
[singing] Oh, Baby / Your wish is my command / You're my woman, I'm your man...

Jack Gallo:
Do I give him enough to do?

Elliot DiMauro:
It really wouldn't matter.

Dennis Finch:
If anyone is taking him for a walk, it'll be me.

Maya Gallo:
I'm his daughter.

Dennis Finch:
Exactly. He chose me.

Dennis Finch:
Get this. We're thinking of naming the band Zip, Flop, Oh my Lord!

Kevin Liotta:
Hey, Finch.

Dennis Finch:
Hey, Kevin. What's up?

Kevin Liotta:
Just mail. Are you using a new soap?

Dennis Finch:
What's that?

Kevin Liotta:
It's just that you smell different.

Dennis Finch:
Dude, you have to stop saying stuff like that.

Kevin Liotta:
All right, I'm sorry. But since I already asked...

Dennis Finch:
Yes. It's a new soap. I used it this morning.

Kevin Liotta:
It's nice. It's like a weekend in New England.

Dennis Finch:
Go, go, go.

Dennis Finch:
Baby on the way, Jack. Didn't think you had any bullets left in the old musket.

Maya Gallo:
So, did you read the article?

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, yeah. It was very interesting. So how's Jack doing?

Maya Gallo:
He's still in denial. You know, he and Ally could really have learned a lot from Janet and Ted.

Elliot DiMauro:
Who are Janet and Ted?

Maya Gallo:
The couple in the article that you just lied about reading?

Elliot DiMauro:
Ah. So, Finch is in a band?

Nina Van Horn:
Last week, Jack asked me to call Vera Wang to make a birthday dress for Allie. I knew it was important because it was the only thing I've writen down all year.

Dennis Finch:
Sorry about the party, Jack. We had no idea about you and Ally.

Nina Van Horn:
Also, the hors d'ouvres were stale and I blame myself for that.

Jack Gallo:
There he is! How's my favorite lawyer doing?

Martin:
I'd tell you, but then I'd have to bill you three-hundred dollars.

Jack Gallo:
Ha! That's funny! Lawyers are greedy.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, put my will in the safe. It is not to be opened under any circumstances. If you are at gunpoint, I expect you to die before anyone reads it.

Dennis Finch:
Yes, sir. My word is my bond.

[as soon as Jack leaves, Dennis opens the will and reads it]

Dennis Finch:
What? Maya gets his frozen head? I made all those wigs for nothing?

Dennis Finch:
Ever since I read Jack's will, I've been having dreams about killing him.

Elliot DiMauro:
It's just a dream. I dream about killing you all the time. Don't worry about it. It's no big deal.

Nina Van Horn:
It was doomed from the start. There was drunken fights, petty theft, other women, and he did some stuff too.

Roland Devereaux:
Nina, when you left, all beauty disappeared from my life. So I went to Milan to learn the ancient art of glass blowing. I spent hours over a blazing furnace, burning my hands, losing the sight in my left EYE!... to make this exquisite glass orchid.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, it's beautiful.

Roland Devereaux:
[throws orchid against wall] Compared to you, it's crap!

Jack Gallo:
[admiring his new engraved Louisville Slugger bat] Check it out, right there: Jack Gallo. Every great ballplayer has had his name engraved on a Louisville Slugger.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, I know. My niece Tiffany got one.

Dennis Finch:
Today I'll be interviewing candidates for the new intern spot.

Nina Van Horn:
Ooh, new interns.

Dennis Finch:
Which brings me to my next point. Please do not talk to the recruits, please do not offer encouragement, please do not handcuff them to your desk.

Nina Van Horn:
I was merely trying to... Okay, I won't.

Jack Gallo:
Just be careful. Don't get all goofy.

Maya Gallo:
I won't, I'm not a teenager anymore. Duh!

Nina Van Horn:
Be honest, Elliot. How old do I look?

Elliot DiMauro:
Do you still have a gun?

Nina Van Horn:
Yes.

Elliot DiMauro:
Twenty.

John Kenny:
It's just like I say at the end of my second act: sometimes, the brightest room in the house of me is the one with the lamp called tomorrow.

Dennis Finch:
And sometimes you want to puke in a toilet called yesterday.

Jack Gallo:
We must keep our eye on the ball. Cosmo may be on a winning streak, but the game's not over until the bottom of the ninth.

Maya Gallo:
Dad, could you pleasetake it easy on the baseball metaphors?

Jack Gallo:
Sure thing. Nina, you're up to plate.

Dennis Finch:
This is a fashion mag-o-zine, and we may put on our pants one leg at a time, but they're nice pants with belts that match our shoes.

Dennis Finch:
Who are you, Toliver? Says here you're from Manchester. The only things they have in Manchester are pools and fools. I don't see a diving board, which one are you? You must be a fool!

Nina Van Horn:
My first love was a peanut farmer named Lyle. God, he was handsome. We used to make love in his barn 'til the cows came home, at which point we'd moved to the grain silo.

Maya Gallo:
How did it end?

Nina Van Horn:
I was terribly allergic to peanuts, and he couldn't give up the farm.

Maya Gallo:
That's so sad.

Nina Van Horn:
Yes, I know. It's just like Romeo and Juliet, only with peanuts.

Jack Gallo:
Why can't she see through that guy?

Elliot DiMauro:
It's the hair, it's always the hair.

Maya Gallo:
Don't play dumb with me!

Jack Gallo:
I'm not playing. I'm legitimately dumb.

Dennis Finch:
Brian Toliver. Your middle initial wouldn't be L, would it?

Brian Toliver:
M.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah? Well if it was L, you'd be B.L.T, wouldn't you?

Nina Van Horn:
It's just that I haven't been in television since I played a Fembot in "Bionic Woman."

Elliot DiMauro:
That's not true. You were in that episode of "Cops".

Nina Van Horn:
They pushed my face in the grass. You can't even tell it's me.

Maya Gallo:
What's your character like?

John Kenny:
He's a bit of an odd bird, a dreamer.

Elliot DiMauro:
You just said he was a racist.

John Kenny:
He dreams of an all white country.

John Kenny:
Sorry, man. Now that I got a job, I won't be needing those headshots.

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, darn. And I knew just where to put my tripod.

Sammy Rivers:
The first thing I did was to change her name. I wanted something exotic and sophisticated. So I took Nina from one of those boats Columbus had, and Van Horn was this Danish porn star who lived in my building. Boom! - magic.

Jerry Hall:
Cheryl Tiegs was supposed to do that shoot, and Nina offered to drive her to the beach. But when Nina went to her house, she found Cheryl passed out in the garden.

Nina Van Horn:
[on a 9-1-1 recording] Oh, man... Um... I'm at Cheryl Tiegs' house, and she is like completely unconscious... Um, I think she fell and hit her head on a shovel...

Cheryl Tiegs:
Nina, please...

Nina Van Horn:
Uh... Hold on, operator.

[clang]

Jack Gallo:
I have been to a lot of weddings in my life, and most of them have been Nina's. I think Nina likes getting married more than being married. Of course, who doesn't? I mean, I don't.

Don Henley:
[asked to describe Nina in one word] Destructive. No, vibrant. Is there a word that means both those things? Bet the Germans have one.

[clip from "Foxy Trouble"]

Bernie Casey:
Hey, mama. I ain't lookin' for trouble.

Nina Van Horn:
Too bad, 'cause Trouble just found you.

[shoots him]

Nina Van Horn:
Foxy Trouble.

[clip from "Foxy Trouble"; Foxy is a stewardess]

Nina Van Horn:
Hello, sir. May I offer you a drink?

Bernie Casey:
Yeah. How about a tall glass of... white chocolate?

Nina Van Horn:
That's not available... until we land. Anything else?

Bernie Casey:
Yeah, I'll have an order of airplane... to go.

[pulls out a gun]

Nina Van Horn:
Sorry, soul brother, we don't do take-out.

[disarms him with karate chops, does a somersault and takes the gun]

Bernie Casey:
Damn! You ain't no stewardess. You're Foxy Trouble.

Nina Van Horn:
That's the name my mama gave me.

Bernie Casey:
That's a mighty big gun for such a little lady.

[takes out a knife]

Nina Van Horn:
I'm gonna ask you to return to your seat.

[shoots him dead]

Nina Van Horn:
Would anybody else want anything?

Jerry Hall:
A bunch of us young models were living together in this one apartment, and I thought I was unsophisticated, but this was the first time Nina had even seen an ice cube tray.

Maya Gallo:
I asked Nina about that incident and she never wants to talk about it. Which it's funny, because she'll go on and on about the time she choked on her beads at Mardi Gras and was legally dead for five minutes.

Don Henley:
Nina Van Horn single handedly broke up the Eagles. She was crashing at Joe Walsh's house, and he brought her to the recording sessions. He didn't want to leave her alone in the house because... well, she would steal things. At the studio she was always trying to sneak in and asking to play tambourine and do vocals. We couldn't get rid of her, so one day we just said, "The hell with it. Let's all go solo."

Harry Smith:
But Claire's father was a strict Methodist, and did not approve of her daughter going to the big city with a stranger. So Nina had to wait... until she was fourteen.

Nina Van Horn:
I told my father I was going to the creek to help the minister with a baptism. Then I hopped a train east.

Harry Smith:
Unfortunately, the train she hopped was headed west, and Claire ended up in Reno, and had her first taste of show business.

Dennis Finch:
She was working at a traveling carnival operating the Tilt-A-Whirl, until somebody noticed she had eleven toes, so she started doing two shows a night in the big tent. That made her happy, I think.

Harry Smith:
Tired of low pay, and the sexual advances of the Great Honko, Claire eventually found the right train and wound up in the Big Apple, and the glamorous world of modeling.

Cheryl Tiegs:
After I recovered and learned to eat with a fork again, they told me that they think Nina did it. So I went to a hypnotherapist to try to remember the incident. It didn't work, but I did remember a separate incident where she tried to run me over with a moped.

Nina Van Horn:
When you testify against people, you really learn who your friends are. Some of those jerks said some really hurtful things as they were led out of the courtroom. I didn't need that kind of static. Not then.

Don Henley:
She kept asking me to use more of her voice. You want to hear her voice?

Nina Van Horn:
[on tape, singing off key] What's that time, what is the time? Tick-tick-tock, it's party o'clock!...

Don Henley:
You tell me.

Elliot DiMauro:
It's really flattering.

Nina Van Horn:
Unlike those hideous cargo pants. Change them or else.

Elliot DiMauro:
Or else what? [Nina splashes hot coffee on Elliot's pants]

Elliot DiMauro:
Ow, it's hot!

Nina Van Horn:
We're a fashion magazine, people. We're supposed to be setting an example. God, am I the only one who takes this seriously?

Jack Gallo:
An au pair is a live-in baby sitter.

Nina Van Horn:
They work for room and board. They're usually foreigners.

Dennis Finch:
Are they all that hot?

Nina Van Horn:
Pretty much. The INS does a good job of screening out the uggos.

Jack Gallo:
It's a controversial policy, but one that works.

Dennis Finch:
Kevin, I'm sorry I can't be with you tonight. I have something I'm working on.

Kevin Liotta:
What?

Dennis Finch:
Details are top secret, but I'm planning on having sex tonight.

Karen:
Why is there a hanger on your back.

Dennis Finch:
Huh? Oh. All the great artists have hangers on their back when they paint. Picasso, Van Gogh, Spagetti-O...

Karen:
Would you like an omelet?

Nina Van Horn:
Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs.

Dennis Finch:
You shot the cover of Rolling Stone? Wow, man. I'm impressed.

Elliot DiMauro:
Thanks. Coming from you, that means a lot.

Dennis Finch:
Wait a minute. Are you being sarcastic?

Elliot DiMauro:
No. Are you?

Dennis Finch:
No. You?

Elliot DiMauro:
I'll tell you what. We'll both answer together on the count of three. Ready? One, two, three.

Elliot DiMauro, Dennis Finch:
Nnnnnoooooyyyeeeeesssss... No!

Elliot DiMauro:
I think we just had a moment.

Dennis Finch:
No, we didn't because I was messing with you. Hey, everyone! Elliot thought we had a moment!

Maya Gallo:
You are trying to manipulate this poor woman and I want no part of it.

Kevin Liotta:
What is your problem? Leave him alone.

Maya Gallo:
What?

Kevin Liotta:
Why are you trying to control everything?

Maya Gallo:
But he's doing something wrong.

Kevin Liotta:
So, you're not the world's policeman. Did you ever think that people might like you better if you didn't boss everyone around?

Maya Gallo:
My God, you're right. Thank you, Kevin.

Kevin Liotta:
You're welcome. I am a student of people.

Dennis Finch:
You have excellent qualifications, Esperanza. Unfortunately, I will not be able to hire you as my au pair for one simple reason. I have fallen in love with you. Every time you speak, every time you laugh, it stirs something in me like the wooden flutes and giant guitars of your native Peru. Let's say after dinner we go to my house for a romantic night of doing it. [Esperanza throws her drink in Dennis' face]

Elliot DiMauro:
And you never trusted anyone ever again.

Jack Gallo:
Except for Bisquit. Until he bit me. But he got his.

Kevin Liotta:
I'm sorry. Can I bake you a pie?

Dennis Finch:
If you mean it when you bake it, yes.

[Nina is covered in gold body paint]

Nina:
And what are you looking at?

Dennis:
[stands next to her] I'd like to thank the Academy. Promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Nina:
Are you just about done?

Dennis:
Free Tibet!

Maya:
Don't think you can weasel away from explaining why you changed the title of my article.

Jack:
Your title was too confusing.

Maya:
What is so confusing about, "The Lost Art of Listening"?

Jack:
Who?

Nina:
Shoot a portrait of me, one that shows the world that Nina Van Horn will not go quietly.

Elliot:
Something bartenders have been saying for years.

Jack:
Maya, yelling is like trying to eat a steak through a straw.

Dennis:
[writing] Sweet. Keep 'em coming.

Jack:
It gets you all red in the face, but in the end, you get no steak.

[Dennis erases what he wrote]

Jack:
What?

Dennis:
You're forcing it. Just let it come.

Dennis:
Elliot, can you get Nina off my back? She keeps bugging me about that stupid solvent.

Elliot:
Oh, there is no solvent. She was being such a pain that I told her water wouldn't wash it out. But it really will.

Dennis:
So you had Nina running all around town in gold paint? That is so wrong. Why didn't you tell me so I could enjoy it?

Dennis:
So, we meet again, Oldfinger.

Nina:
Admit it, it turns you on.

Dennis:
Yeah, right... Okay, it does.

Maya:
Hello, all! My, what a beautiful morning.

Jack:
My, you're happy.

Maya:
And why wouldn't I be? When I woke up this morning, I looked up, and there was a bird in my window sill, and it was singing.

Jack:
Singing. That's nice.

Maya:
It gets better. I step out of my building, and a cab stops right in front of me. A clean cab with a nice driver.

Jack:
It doesn't get any better.

Maya:
Oh, but it does. I get to work, what do I see on the newsstand but the brand new issue of Blush Magazine, with my article on the cover? An article that took me four weeks to research. An article that I titled "The Lost Art of Listening", but that some one had changed to "Shut Up And Maybe He'll Love You." So thank you. Thanks for everything.

Jack:
You're welcome. I'm just happy to be part of your perfect morning.

Maya:
I was being sarcastic! I'm furious with you!

Jack:
Oh, well, I'd like to deal with this, but I have this thing in my keister.

Maya:
Don't think you can avoid this with a bunch of dopey metaphors.

Jack:
Dopey all the way to the bank!

Dennis:
Is that one?

Jack:
I'm not sure yet.

Dennis:
[seeing the students] Boy, Lilith Fair must be dark tonight.

Stephanie Griffin-Cooper:
Mr. Gallo, how do you explain that Blush Magazine is in a sexist time warp?

Jack:
Please, doll, call me Jack.

Stephanie Griffin-Cooper:
Isn't it true that Blush treats women as trophies?

Jack:
Nothing could be further from the truth.

Nina:
[steps in still wearing gold paint] Sorry, forgot my purse.

Maya:
This is horrible. You guys don't understand. Last night was a disaster. I spent the entire evening staring out into a sea of angry flannel. What was I supposed to do?

Elliot:
Oh, I don't know. Call us all "vapid drones who worship at the altar of greed, lust and egotism".

Dennis:
Yeah. We don't make fun of your religion.

Jack:
I just realized I must say dozens of clever things every day.

Dennis:
Uh-huh?

Jack:
And that's where you come in. I want you to follow me around and write down all of my Galloisms.

Dennis:
Galloisms?

Jack:
You know, my verbal gems. My nuggets of wisdom.

Dennis:
Ooh, I'd better call Bic and tell them to make more pens.

[Elliot tells Nina that the gold paint she has on will burn if wet]

Nina:
Thank goodness you told me. You saved me from screaming in the shower.

Elliot:
How would that differ from your usual Thursday nights?

Maya:
Are you all coming to my painting-party on Saturday? We'll paint the walls and have some fun!

Nina:
What time is it again?

Maya:
8:00 p.m.

Nina:
Then I won't be there.

Maya:
Why?

Nina:
'Cos I don't want to.

Elliot DiMauro:
Poor Finch. He's delusional.

Nina Van Horn:
Yes, and not the good kind of delusional, like when you convince yourself that one hand-rolled cigarette did not started that big wildfire.

Maya Gallo:
Deforestation is not funny. It's screwing up the whole environment.

Scott:
Big talk from someone chewing a wood pencil next to her oak desk.

Dennis Finch:
If my marriage was so shattered, why am I still wearing my wedding ring... and hers?

Elliot DiMauro:
I don't mind, I have a million things to do.

Dennis Finch:
Elliot, a sheep just pooped in your beret.

Elliot DiMauro:
A million and one.

Dennis Finch:
On the bright side, we found your class ring.

Jack Gallo:
Promoting my autobiography is top priority.

Dennis Finch:
What about finishing your autobiography?

Jack Gallo:
Shouldn't I be asking you that question?

Dennis Finch:
Come on. It's hard to construct a timeline that makes you under fifty.

Jack Gallo:
Larry King is an ass!

Nina Van Horn:
And a lousy kisser.

Elliot DiMauro:
What happened?

Jack Gallo:
He bumped me off his show to talk with Alan Greenspan. Who wants to listen to Alan Greenspan? He's a bore!

Nina Van Horn:
And a lousy kisser.

Beth:
Pay day! Pay day! Come beg for it!

Elliot DiMauro:
She's like a walking advertisement for direct deposit.

Nina Van Horn:
Let me handle this, Jack. Simon, do you really need that footage?

Simon:
Of course.

Nina Van Horn:
Sorry, Jack. There's no reasoning with him.

Nina Van Horn:
Dennis could snap at any moment.

Jack Gallo:
Nonsense. Dennis is a rock. Besides, Adrienne might see this on TV and reunite with Dennis.

Nina Van Horn:
You really believe that?

Jack Gallo:
Sure. Ten years ago, I didn't believe in the internet, and yet I am downloading a chili recipe as we speak.

Maya Gallo:
The only way that makes sense is that Scott thinks you have feelings for me.

Elliot DiMauro:
That's right.

Maya Gallo:
Why would he think that?

Elliot DiMauro:
Yesterday, he saw me over at the counter giving you a banana.

Maya Gallo:
Yeah, so?

Elliot DiMauro:
Maya, Scott's a strict Freudian. I gave you my *banana*.

Maya Gallo:
Oh, I see. Scott's a Freudian lumberjack who saw you give me fruit.

Nina Van Horn:
Are you happy now, Jack? He may have to be sedated. Could somebody run over and get a pill taped under Maya's desk?

Maya Gallo:
I can't believe you're out with Beth in a pathetic attempt to make Scott jealous. I mean, for God's sake, Beth?

Elliot DiMauro:
She speaks very highly of you.

Maya Gallo:
Maybe she had me confused with an appetizer.

Jack Gallo:
There's gotta be a way. Come on, Jack, think.

Nina Van Horn:
Should I think too?

Jack Gallo:
If you wish.

Jack Gallo:
Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this statue?

Elliot DiMauro:
It has no genitals.

Jack Gallo:
It's lonely.

Dennis Finch:
Of course. It has no genitals.

Nina Van Horn:
Well, I did it. Twelve years in a row.

Dennis Finch:
What, turn forty?

Jack Gallo:
The truth is, who cares about animals in eye shadow?

Elliot DiMauro:
Mountain folk?

Dennis Finch:
Did you see who's here? Me.

Maya Gallo:
Finch, looking sharp!

Nina Van Horn:
Somewhere in New York there's a naked Ken doll.

Jack Gallo:
This guy hosted last year. He's great

Emcee:
So, do we really need to sit here for three hours, or can we just give all the awards to Cosmo?

Jack Gallo:
Get off the stage, you hack!

Jack Gallo:
I'm just so nervous. The nominations may come at any minute.

Dennis Finch:
Well, actually...

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, make a call and find out where those nominations are.

Dennis Finch:
Right away.

[picks up receiver]

Dennis Finch:
Hello, where are those nominations? What's that? My left hand? Thank you.

Dennis Finch:
Think about it. Four cover models are up for the Femmy. Three are gonna lose, and that's where I come in. D. Finch, consolation prize. I may not be gold, but I got the genitals.

Jack Gallo:
I believe a toast is in order.

Dennis Finch:
Allow me. I hope you all get Legionnaire's disease.

[breaks glass, leaves]

Nina Van Horn:
Not his best toast.

Maya Gallo:
Let me read you this first line, and you tell me if it'll wake up this room full of phonies. "Ladies and gentlemen, we should be ashamed of ourselves." What do you think?

Nina Van Horn:
I think you need to have some sex.

Nina Van Horn:
I know what you're thinking. I've lost eleven years in a row, and my hair looks great today. Well, I've got a good feeling about this year, and it's the conditioner.

Jack Gallo:
What is it with everybody?

Nina Van Horn:
Don't worry, Jack. You still got me.

Jack Gallo:
Oh, please. There's no chance you'll win.

Nina Van Horn:
Like last year when Margo Langhorn called his husband her lover. Please! If anything, he's my lover.

Emcee:
And the Femmy goes to...

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, please don't let me win, please don't let me win, please don't let me win...

Emcee:
Nancy Jones for Cosmo!

Elliot DiMauro:
What? Oh, give me a break! This thing is fixed! I was robbed!

Dennis Finch:
Do you know what I had to go through to get here, and on the off chance that I even get to talk to a woman like that? And just when the impossible is about to come true, you, the steak-stealing psycho, scare her away?

Liz:
Wanna go to the coat room and see my b*obs?

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, all right.

Maya Gallo:
If you want a new job, maybe I can ask my father to find you something else.

Kevin Liotta:
No pressure. [tosses mail at a worker] Magazines should go to your home!

Jack Gallo:
If Kevin wants another job, he can be my new chauffeur.

Maya Gallo:
What happened to Gus?

Jack Gallo:
He kept saying that he wished a righteous rain would wash the city clean.

Maya Gallo:
For God's sake, she's half your age!

Jack Gallo:
What does that have to do with anything?

Maya Gallo:
Nothing. I'm just used to saying it for so long.

Allie, Maya's stepmother and former classmate:
I know this whole situation is ookie for everyone, but we used to be friends.

Dennis Finch:
I don't remember.

Allie, Maya's stepmother and former classmate:
Remember when we used to call each other during Buffy?

Dennis Finch:
[after a pause] No, I don't.

Allie, Maya's stepmother and former classmate:
Remember when Angel drank from the chalice of poison and you freaked out?

Dennis Finch:
The struggle between good and evil is something everyone should care about!

Elliot DiMauro:
You are certifiably psycho!

Nina Van Horn:
No, I'm not. I'm an egotistical narcissist who's just a little boy crazy.

Nina Van Horn:
How can I ever repay you without money actually changing hands?

Anchorwoman:
Police officials tell me gang violence is down from last year. Police tell me they credit the decrease to the removal of the frontal lobe of my brain. And in a related story, I wet myself.

Nina Van Horn:
So, you want to grace the pages of Blush? Well, I want my old ass back, but chances are that's not gonna happen. Still, the fact that you even made it this far is an accomplishment. You'd be amazed how many girls can't even find the building.

Maya Gallo:
It just hit me, you are your magazine. You're glossy, you're slick, the cover looks great, you open it up, there's nothing inside.

Jack Gallo:
I got another one for you. I get fat in December.

Nina Van Horn:
[to Maya] Honey, I don't know who your agent is, but you need to grow six inches, lose twenty pounds, and find a hair dresser who gave up cocaine with everyone else.

Elliot DiMauro:
Nina, you've got to stop hiring these waify models.

Nina Van Horn:
Why?

Elliot DiMauro:
Because I turned on the fan and she blew into the wall.

Dennis Finch:
Did a Cindy Crawford call? Tell Crawdaddy that I'm swamped today, and dinner is looking iffy.

Receptionist:
What if the governor calls?

Dennis Finch:
Tell him I'm busy.

Receptionist:
How about Spider-Man?

Nina Van Horn:
[learning that Maya is Jack's daughter] I'm sorry about earlier, but it's just that there is virtually no resemblance.

Maya Gallo:
Go away.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, there it is.

Maya Gallo:
Surely you realize that idolizing physical beauty is wrong.

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, really? Tell me what you thought, honestly, when you first saw Michaelangelo's David?

Maya Gallo:
I thought it was an incredible sculputure.

Elliot DiMauro:
That's right, because David is the perfect male form.

Maya Gallo:
No, because Michaelangelo was a genius.

Elliot DiMauro:
Imagine if Michaelangelo had sculpted it with the same artistry but made it to look like, say, me?

[poses like David]

Maya Gallo:
It would still be a work of art.

Elliot DiMauro:
How about now?

[pulls up his shirt to expose his flabby torso]

Maya Gallo:
Fine, fine, you win.

[first lines]

Maya Gallo:
Bill? It's me, Maya Gallo. Are you sure you want to lead with a story on strippers? What would I lead with? Well, call me crazy, but it is election night.

Anchorwoman:
Who wrote this garbage? "Police report that gang violence is down this year"?

Maya Gallo:
That would be my garbage.

Anchorwoman:
How many times have I told you? It's "police tell *me* that gang violence is down." That way, it appears that I'm involved in the story.

Maya Gallo:
You're right. People would like to see you involved in gang violence.

Maya Gallo:
Hi, I'm Maya.

Dennis Finch:
Well, bye-ya.

Maya Gallo:
I'm here to see Jack Gallo.

Dennis Finch:
And I'm here to make sure you don't. You should have called for an appointment so I could reject you over the phone. That way you wouldn't have to get all gussied up.

Nina Van Horn:
So you're writing this month's advice column? Mind if I have a peek?

Elliot DiMauro:
Honey, you peaked years ago.

Elliot DiMauro:
We're not the enemy here. We just like to look at beautiful things.

Maya Gallo:
And who decides what's beautiful.

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, I do. That's the best part.

Nina Van Horn:
How do I look, Finch?

Dennis Finch:
Like a desperate woman hanging on to a youth she can't remember.

Nina Van Horn:
[tosses her hair] How about now?

Dennis Finch:
Much better.

Dennis Finch:
You're letting Elliot be a judge? But you said you were going to make me a judge.

Nina Van Horn:
Dear, people say a lot of things when they're lying.

Dez:
I see some new faces, I see some old faces, I see some new faces on old bodies... Hamilton.

Nina Van Horn:
Hammy, is that you? Did they leave anything?

Tad Gallo:
Please, let me explain.

Jack Gallo:
You have sixty seconds.

Tad Gallo:
[hands Jack a cigar] Cuban?

Jack Gallo:
Ninety seconds.

Dennis Finch:
I won't eat, drink or sleep until I find out what your plan is.

Tad Gallo:
My plan is to start my onw magazine.

Dennis Finch:
Guess again, friend. You just rolled the dice, and they came out Finch eyes!

Nina Van Horn:
I'm talking about American's dirty little secret, that awards always go to the best and the fastest and the smartest. Well, how do you think that makes the worst and the slowest and the dumbest feel? Well, I can tell you from experience, not good.

Maya Gallo:
I'm thinking it'll be like The New Yorker, only smarter, without the flash.

Jack Gallo:
This guy is disgracing the family name. That's not what your grandfather had in mind when he changed it from Gallofart.

Dennis Finch:
What you need to know is that I am an integral part of the organization.

Tad Gallo:
How important do you have to be before they give you your own chair, dude?

Dennis Finch:
Someone keeps taking it.

Nina Van Horn:
I bet this is about that little incident in China.

Elliot DiMauro:
You gave the Minister of Culture your room key.

Nina Van Horn:
Can I help it if the entire country dresses like bellhops?

Maya Gallo:
Don't tell me you're one of those people who believe the moon landing didn't happen.

Nina Van Horn:
Of course it happened.

Maya Gallo:
Thank you.

Nina Van Horn:
...in front of a film crew at the Mohave Dessert.

Jack Gallo:
I remember when my first wife left me. I went for a night out on the town to help me cope. And that's where I met wive number two.

Dennis Finch:
I don't want a second wife.

Jack Gallo:
Then stay away from a place called P.J. O'Suds.

Nina Van Horn:
Maya, I'm going to tell you something I never thought I'd have to tell another human being: Let's just get to work.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, these grades stink. They're C's and D's, and an F that you changed to an E.

Dennis Finch:
Hey, I earned that E.

Dennis Finch:
It's all too much to take. It's all write this down, and read that, and learn this theorem. What the hell is a theorem? I think I'm in over their head.

Jack Gallo:
Well, maybe you shouldn't be taking advanced astrophysics.

Dennis Finch:
I wanna be a spaceman.

Jack Gallo:
Ancient Greek architecture?

Dennis Finch:
I want my spaceships to have columns.

Jay:
Nina? Come on, Nina, it's either you or an open bottle of vodka.

Nina Van Horn:
It was gin! Ha-ha! Joke's on you!

Maya Gallo:
Are you all right?

Jay:
That depends. How's my hair?

Maya Gallo:
It looks fine.

Jay:
Then I'm all right.

Maya Gallo:
What is her problem?

Jay:
She asked me how old I thought she was, and I think I guessed a little high.

Dennis Finch:
I now realize that college is not just a bunch of educational crap. No, it's a star machine, bigger than Hollywood! What's Meg Ryan have that I don't?

Dennis Finch:
Elliot, I have one more question for you.

Elliot DiMauro:
Shoot.

Dennis Finch:
How does it feel when you... Finch attack!

[throws water on Elliot, his assistants tie him to the chair and throw confetti over him]

Dennis Finch:
Elliot DiMauro, you have just been Finch Attacked!

Nina Van Horn:
I have dated at least a dozen blind men.

Maya Gallo:
Really?

Nina Van Horn:
Yeah. I don't know why, but they tend to be fantastic lovers. Maybe it's because there's no blood rushing to their eyes, and it goes to all the other places...

Maya Gallo:
Oh, that is ridiculous!

Maya Gallo:
You go to movies?

Jay:
Of course. We blind people enjoy many of the things that sighted people enjoy. Movies, art galleries, sunsets...

Maya Gallo:
Really?

Jay:
No, I'm blind. I do go to movies, though.

Jay:
I am glad that God plucked out my eyeballs and then, then stomped them with his giant hiking boots, and crammed the useless wreckage back into my head!

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, get me a bodyguard.

Elliot DiMauro:
Here. Strong enough for a man.

Jack Gallo:
I mean a real bodyguard.

Elliot DiMauro:
Are you in any danger?

Jack Gallo:
These are very violent times, and a man in my position needs to be careful.

Maya Gallo:
Did Trump get one?

Jack Gallo:
With an earpiece and a big old gun.

Nina Van Horn:
Sorry I'm late. I didn't hear my alarm go off.

Maya Gallo:
Why not?

Nina Van Horn:
I was locked in a self storage facility in Yonkers.

Jack Gallo:
Boys, God may be on his side, but Lady Luck is my b*tch.

Dean Logan:
My mother tells me times are tough in the old hometown. First the private prison went belly up, then the slaughterhouse. If the toxic waste dump closes, there'll be no reason for the young people to stay.

Jack Gallo:
I'm using my famous charm and disarm strategy.

Elliot DiMauro:
What's that?

Jack Gallo:
Remember when you came in asking for a raise and ended up babysitting for me the whole weekend?

Elliot DiMauro:
Yeah... Oh. Hey!

Wanda:
I'm afraid there is nothing more I can teach you.

Dennis Finch:
But it's been only one day.

Wanda:
A day I will never forget.

Dennis Finch:
I happen to have lighting fast reflexes.

Elliot DiMauro:
Really?

Dennis Finch:
Try to take these keys out of my...

[Elliot takes keys]

Dennis Finch:
I didn't say go!

Dean Logan:
You have 24 hours to agree to my terms.

Jack Gallo:
Good. That gives me more time to come up with more naughty headlines. How about this one? Ten hot tips for sexy nudie sex sex!

Nina Van Horn:
Citizens for Morality. Isn't that the group that got Cosmo banned from Gelman's?

Jack Gallo:
That's right. How did you know?

Nina Van Horn:
I read about it in the newspaper.

Jack Gallo:
Were you wrapping something?

Nina Van Horn:
I was reading the paper, Jack.

Jack Gallo:
Why?

Dean Logan:
So, Claire...

Nina Van Horn:
It's Nina Van Horn now. I pushed Claire down a well and shaved eight years off her life.

Maya Gallo:
All my feminist friends agree that the covers for Blush are sexist.

Elliot DiMauro:
Are these the same friends who thing all intercourse is an act of violence?

Maya Gallo:
Jan and Gertie, yes.

Dean Logan:
I'm not against sex, but there is a time and a place for everything. I mean, you wouldn't do it in a crowded subway train, would you?

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, no. Not again. I learned my lesson.

Dennis Finch:
I'll be your bodyguard. [all laugh] I'm serious. There are bodyguard schools. [laugh some more]

Jack Gallo:
See, he starts a joke, then he builds on it.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah. See what I did there? Pretty sweet.

Elliot DiMauro:
How about this? Let me be your bodyguard!

Jack Gallo:
See, it's funny when Dennis does it 'cause he's scrawny.

Elliot DiMauro:
But I said it with a funny voice.

Maya Gallo:
Honey, let it go.

Nina Van Horn:
I'll debate him on the issues. I'll just have to read up on my Fifth Amendment.

Jack Gallo:
First Amendment.

Nina Van Horn:
Good idea. Start with the easy ones then work my way up.

Nina Van Horn:
How about this? Your feet will float on the street...

Maya Gallo:
You've pitched that same thing to Calvin Klein.

Nina Van Horn:
At least I'm plugging away, which is more than can be said of those hedgerows you call eyebrows.

Jack Gallo:
That's enough.

Maya Gallo:
Well, at least I'm not thin and tall. Wait a minute...

Dennis Finch:
Call her a drunken skeleton. It's a classic for a reason.

Nina Van Horn:
Shut up, you little pygmy.

Dennis Finch:
Pygmies are great warriors, so thanks for the compliment, complimenter.

Maya Gallo:
This is how it should be, us getting together.

Nina Van Horn:
Much like your forehead and chin getting together, you thimble-headed freak.

Jack Gallo:
Well, I'm off.

Elliot DiMauro:
You're not sticking around?

Jack Gallo:
Of course not. I'm not the one with the problem. And even if I was, who cares? I'm the boss.

Jack Gallo:
Wait a minute. Are you two on that rave drug?

Nina Van Horn:
Not today, Jack.

Dennis Finch:
Holy crap! There are cameras on the elevators? Are they on all the time? Even at night?

Nina Van Horn:
Relax. We all know what you do in there.

Jack Gallo:
You four are always at each other's throats! The snide comments, the yelling, the back biting... This place is turning into the Vatican!

Elliot DiMauro:
What?

Jack Gallo:
They can't fool me. I know what goes on in there.

Dr. Drake Kelson:
I want to do an exercise. We're going to be a car. Dennis, you make revving noises; Maya, you go put-put; Elliot, you make screeching noises; and Nina, you be the horn. Ready? We're a car, now! [they make the noises] Stop! That was horrible. Why? Because you're not working together. Because you're not communicating.

Elliot DiMauro:
[raises hand] How can we communicate better?

Dennis Finch:
After that, can we figure out how to remove his lips from your ass?

Dr. Drake Kelson:
I have to make it look like there's a big problem to solve, and that's you.

Elliot DiMauro:
But I'm the one who suggested the therapy in the first place!

Dr. Drake Kelson:
You wore a beret. You were asking for it.

Elliot DiMauro:
Monday's beret day.

Nina Van Horn:
Wow, Tommy Hilfiger... He's like the president of things I care about.

[Dennis is working with his sewing machine]

Maya Gallo:
Hey, what's going on?

Elliot DiMauro:
Dennis lost his penis on his way to work.

Dennis Finch:
Can she see you?

David Carradine:
No, I'm only in your mind. That's why I'm wearing this leather jacket you saw at Banana Republic.

Dennis Finch:
He was so normal growning up. We used to ride our skateboards, read comic books, talking about our dream weddings... all typical guy stuff.

Dee Dee:
Ms. Van Horn, can I say something?

Nina Van Horn:
Make it fast.

Dee Dee:
I didn't want to bring it up, but I haven't gone to the bathroom yet.

Nina Van Horn:
That's what weekends are for.

Dennis Finch:
Do you want to do anything tonight?

Burt:
Is there an arcade nearby?

Dennis Finch:
You still like video games?

Burt:
Of course. They didn't replace my brain, doof.

Dennis Finch:
You're the doof.

Burt:
Buttface!

Dennis Finch:
You're the buttface, buttface!

Burt:
You're the astronaut Buttface who ran unopposed for the mayor of Turdtown!

Dennis Finch:
Damn, Burt! You still got game!

Maya Gallo:
Hello? Thank God I got through. Do you still have tickets left for the feminist puppetry series? Really? You have every ticket left?

Dennis Finch:
Before we left, we made a sacred oath.

Elliot DiMauro:
To never forget that wonderful summer night by the lake.

Dennis Finch:
With your mom? Backfire!

Maya Gallo:
She shouldn't be abusing her influence like that.

Dennis Finch:
Maya, no can do on those dinner reservations.

Maya Gallo:
Tell him I'm Jack Gallo's daughter!

Dennis Finch:
As you wish, Evita.

Nina Van Horn:
Having a female assistant is great. Male assistants were always wasting energy fending off my advances.

Nina Van Horn:
Entre nous and frere Jacques, Dee Dee is not the Dee Dee we thought she was.

Jack Gallo:
She's not?

Nina Van Horn:
She's a completely different Dee Dee. She's Tommy Hilfiger's daughter.

Jack Gallo:
Really?

Nina Van Horn:
She doesn't want anybody to know. She wants to make it on her own.

Jack Gallo:
You know, I really admire that. You are kissing her ass, aren't you?

Nina Van Horn:
More than I kiss yours.

Jack Gallo:
Well, pace yourself.

Elliot DiMauro:
You didn't tell him she was Tommy Hilfiger's daughter, did you?

Nina Van Horn:
It may have slipped out.

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, my God!

Nina Van Horn:
I know, I know. Mea culpa and labia minora.

Dennis Finch:
If I get killed, tell Courtney in accounting I love her and erase all the porn on my computer.

Dennis Finch:
Look here, Up With People. I don't know what you're so bubbly about, but let me offer you a little analogy. This here is the lion's den, I am the lion. If you want to hang around the lion's den, you'll have to learn to deal with the lion. Are we clear?

Kenny:
Wow, I understand. Now let me offer you this little analogy.

[Staples Dennis' tie to the desk]

Kenny:
I am the God of Hellfire! And so help me, I will put my fist through your skull!

Dennis Finch:
What?

Kenny:
I'm going to rip out your head, run it through a shredder, and put it in a box!

Dennis Finch:
You're going to rip off my head?

Kenny:
And put it in a box!

Nina Van Horn:
I'm giving up a really filthy habit.

Dennis Finch:
You're gonna have to be more specific.

Jack Gallo:
Two assistants and I'm not sleeping with either one of them. My, times sure have changed.

Nina Van Horn:
That's sweet, but I have this strict policy against dating coworkers. Well, it's not so much a policy per se. It's more of a loosely enforced suggestion, at the request of my lawyer.

Elliot DiMauro:
Nobody messes with Dennis Finch!

Nina Van Horn:
That's our job!

Kenny:
I am super pumped to be here.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, little advise, we don't really do "super pumped" around here. We're a little more stand-offish.

Maya Gallo:
Will you wear one of our buttons?

Elliot DiMauro:
[reading button] "Drugs hurt."

Maya Gallo:
[puts on button] Ouch! Shoot, I'm bleeding.

Elliot DiMauro:
There's a band-aid over there.

Maya Gallo:
Thank you.

Elliot DiMauro:
You should just say no to "no drugs" buttons.

Nina Van Horn:
I'll be in my office. Don't barge in during my naked meditation hour. It's three to four, or whenever you can show up.

Dennis Finch:
I'm sorry if I insulted you, but it's what I do. I'm a bit of a cut-up.

Kenny:
I'll cut *you* up!

Dennis Finch:
Ooh, I walked right into that one.

Dennis Finch:
I want to talk to you about Kenny.

Jack Gallo:
Isn't he great? Peppy.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah. What did his references say?

Jack Gallo:
References? Anyone who's good enough for the U.S. Postal Service is good enough for me.

Dennis Finch:
He may seem all sugary sweet, but inside he's a bowl of crazy stew.

Lisa Cantwell:
[introducing cameraman] This is Mike.

Maya Gallo:
Mike with the mike. I know this guy named Rod, he hangs curtains.

Nina Van Horn:
My friend Binnie insisted we go to a pagan fertility ritual. Talk about a night of debauchery. I can't imagine how anyone could go to the pagan 10K this morning.

Nina Van Horn:
It seems my best friend Binnie...

Dennis Finch:
My friend Binnie, my friend Binnie!

Elliot DiMauro:
My friend Binnie can chew through metal.

Maya Gallo:
My friend Binnie can't eat soup.

Dennis Finch:
We're all sick of hearing about your drunken, slutty, stupid friend Binnie.

Nina Van Horn:
My friend Binnie is dead.

Dennis Finch:
Heaven just got another angel.

Nina Van Horn:
I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I deal with Binnie's death in my own way.

Elliot DiMauro:
You're not dealing with it at all.

Nina Van Horn:
That is my way.

Elliot DiMauro:
Nina, we need to talk.

Nina Van Horn:
Can it wait? I'm three circles away from solving the Word Jumble.

Elliot DiMauro:
Nina, this is more important than the Jumble.

Nina Van Horn:
Let me put it in perspective for you. I have been working on this for five and a half months.

Elliot DiMauro:
[offers Nina a funeral urn] There she is, Nina. That's all that's left of Binnie.

Nina Van Horn:
She had so much work done, I'm surprised they didn't melt her down to make crayons.

Nina Van Horn:
I'm sure I'll find a new best friend by the end of the day. Maya, you're a long shot, but I'm not ruling you out.

Jack Gallo:
This thing is great. It's like having a little assistant in my pocket.

Dennis Finch:
That's what you used to call me.

Jack Gallo:
Why would you want to go to college? You just got your foot at the door here. Be patient. You'll work your way up.

Dennis Finch:
I've been here for ten years.

Jack Gallo:
No!

Dennis Finch:
Yes.

Jack Gallo:
Son of a b*tch.

Maya Gallo:
Finch, this is Milo. He's also applying for the scholarship.

Dennis Finch:
Hello. I'm Jack's best friend. You have no chance.

Milo:
Win or lose, I am just happy to have free soda.

Dennis Finch:
I just had four. No, wait, three. I poured one down the drain.

Maya Gallo:
What are your career aspirations?

Milo:
I wish to be mediator for United Nations.

Dennis Finch:
I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure I'll end up being an astronaut.

Jack Gallo:
You're not going to the funeral?

Nina Van Horn:
It conflicts with my massage.

Jack Gallo:
Don't you want to pay your respects?

Nina Van Horn:
I am. I took her appointment.

Dennis Finch:
What about the Gallo scholarship?

Jack Gallo:
That's right. It's meant for Blush employees and their families, you certainly qualify.

Dennis Finch:
As an employee... or as family?

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, you have real parents.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, real stupid parents.

Maya Gallo:
How could you give the scholarship to Finch? The scholarship is my responsibility!

Jack Gallo:
Dennis is really applying himself. Why not give the money to him?

Maya Gallo:
Dad, we both know he'll just spend it on candy.

Dennis Finch:
Jack, I told you, I like the egg.

Jack Gallo:
But I want you to love the egg.

Dennis Finch:
Fine. I love the egg.

Jack Gallo:
What do you love most about it?

Jack Gallo:
Maya, great job on that piece on women astronauts.

Maya Gallo:
Thank you. You see? Serious journalism does have a place in Blush magazine.

Jack Gallo:
But these photographs are all wrong. There is no gravity up in space, their skirts should be way up in the air.

Dennis Finch:
Every day, in some little way, I realize you're a genius.

Jack Gallo:
Explain this idea to me again?

Nina Van Horn:
It's simple. Fur is dead animals, right? So why not show them being worn by women on death row.

Jack Gallo:
I'm gonna have to give it some time.

Nina Van Horn:
Well, not too long. There is a bit of a ticking clock.

Maya Gallo:
I can't help thinking this is partially my fault.

Nina Van Horn:
Don't be silly. It's entirely your fault.

Dennis Finch:
Whoop! Nerd alert! Whoop! This is not a drill! Whoop!

Alan:
You mock because you have fear.

Maya Gallo:
That's true!

Alan:
You need to get over your fear. Over... your fear. I believe you can do it. Can you?

Nina Van Horn:
Yes, I believe!

Alan:
How did that fish get on the line?

Nina Van Horn:
All I'm saying is just because the man is a stinking drunk doesn't mean we can't be affected by the power of his words.

Dennis Finch:
Or the size of his nipples.

Elliot DiMauro:
How could you make fun of a man who is clearly in need of help?

Dennis Finch:
I'm the bad guy? I'm the one who wedged him back into his pants.

Dennis Finch:
On senior year, I grew six inches and lost eighty pounds.

Nina Van Horn:
What were you before, a medicine ball?

Kevin Liotta:
[bumps onto Alan] Sorry.

Alan:
Don't be sorry. Be super.

Kevin Liotta:
How?

Alan:
Just think about where you want to be, and just go.

Kevin Liotta:
I wanna go over there.

Alan:
Then go. [Kevin goes, walking tall]

Alan:
Look, if I can show my face out there, you can go to that reunion. [Opens door to leave]

Dennis Finch:
Shh! Everyone be quiet. The drunk's awake.

Alan:
So what time do folks go home around here?

Maya Gallo:
Where's your Christmas spirit?

Staffer #1:
I'm Jewish.

Maya Gallo:
[singing] Ooooh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel / I made you out of clay...

Staffer #1:
I'm Jewish. I'm not twelve.

Ray Liotta:
Everyone thinks I'm like my character in Goodfellas, but in real life, I'm more like my character in Operation Dumbo Drop.

Elliot DiMauro:
What happened?

Jack Gallo:
I was just explaining to Paul that even though Grandma Pearl is dead, she still loves him.

Elliot DiMauro:
Grandma Pearl is not dead. She moved to Palm Beach.

Ray Liotta:
You don't get it, do you? You think I make movies because I like making movies? I just do it to pay for Christmas! I live for this holiday, and now it's over! What, now I'm supposed to go back to Hollywood, be an actor for twelve months? Not me! Not this Ray Liotta!

Kevin Liotta:
What are you guys talking about?

Nina Van Horn:
Losing our virginity. What's your story?

[Kevin hyperventilates and runs away]

Dennis Finch:
How about if I say a word, and you say the first word that pops into your head?

Nina Van Horn:
I hate this game! They used to make me play it at the sanitarium.

Elliot DiMauro:
Kevin, come in here. Tell him what you saw.

Kevin Liotta:
Hannah cut in front of Paul. She said she could do whatever she wants because her daddy rules the world.

Jack Gallo:
But then the boy hit her?

Kevin Liotta:
No. She pushed him. I told her to stop, and she threw an ornament at my head. She told me not to tell anybody... but I refuse to live in fear any more.

Nina Van Horn:
My God, there's children everywhere. It's bad enough they run amok in our parks and playgrounds... Except yours, Jack. Hannah is an angel on butterscotch wings.

Dennis Finch:
Here he is, the Kringle with the jingle, the guy in the sleigh who gives stuff away, the jolly dude from zero latitude, I believe you know who I'm talking about... the one, the only, Santa!

Dennis Finch:
You have to help me write this. We could make a ton of money.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, I don't know, Finch. I'm not a musician, I only sleep with them.

Dennis Finch:
White.

Nina Van Horn:
Snow.

Dennis Finch:
Christmas.

Nina Van Horn:
Santa.

Dennis Finch:
Elf.

Nina Van Horn:
Finch.

Dennis Finch:
Ouch.

Nina Van Horn:
Weakling.

Dennis Finch:
Old.

Nina Van Horn:
Hey!

Dennis Finch:
Has-been.

Nina Van Horn:
Leaving!

Dennis Finch:
Pass?.

Nina Van Horn:
Vodka!

[leaves]

Maya Gallo:
Finch!

Dennis Finch:
B*obs.

Maya Gallo:
We're gonna make this the best Christmas ever.

Ray Liotta:
You can't make Christmas do anything. All you can do is let it cover you in its warm embrace.

Maya Gallo:
That's beautiful.

Ray Liotta:
It's from a screenplay I wrote called Ray and Santa. It's a buddy movie.

Nina Van Horn:
Will you stop that humming, please? You sound like a faulty vibrator.

Dennis Finch:
I'm writing a Christmas song. Between you and me, I think I found a way to turn this sleepy little holiday into a big time money maker.

Nina Van Horn:
I have a little something I've been working on my spare time at the office. It's called "What Lies Before Me". "A stapler. A pencil. Finger drumming on a desk. A vodka martini. Then nothing... nothing... nothing. Blinding headache!"

Dennis Finch:
Nina, I formally apologize for ruining our company photo by copying your bottom.

Nina Van Horn:
And?

Dennis Finch:
And for yelling "Who wants mangos, two for a buck?"

Nina Van Horn:
And?

Dennis Finch:
And for what I have planned for tomorrow.

Nina Van Horn:
Well, as long as you've learned your lesson.

Karey Burke:
Mr. Gallo, Maya's told me all about you.

Jack Gallo:
And?

Karey Burke:
And if she can forgive you, so can I.

Jack Gallo:
You play bridge?

Dennis Finch:
I worked a summer at a retirement home. Why do you think my apartment is covered in afgans?

Nina Van Horn:
I wouldn't do that if I were you. I have very pointy elbows, and I'm not afraid to use them.

Nina Van Horn:
Let me give you a little tip. If you're in a foreign country and you have trouble with the law, just remember these three little words: not my baggie.

Nina Van Horn:
That girl is wasting her youth in a place like college. She's going to be a supermodel. She reminds me of me when I was that age.

Maya Gallo:
No, she can't remind you of you at that age, because she reminds me of me at that age, and me at that age was nothing like you at that age!

Maya Gallo:
Is Karey here?

Elliot DiMauro:
I heard a crash over at wardrobe, you might try looking there.

Maya Gallo:
She's a talented writer, not some empty-headed mannequin!

Nina Van Horn:
And what's that supposed to mean?

Maya Gallo:
Exactly!

Nina Van Horn:
I'm sorry I called you big-headed and snobby.

Maya Gallo:
You didn't say that.

Nina Van Horn:
No, it's in my other poem, "Big-Headed and Snobby."

Maya Gallo:
You know, it's not too late for us. I could take a year off, go hiking through Europe, live in hostels and wait tables to get by.

Nina Van Horn:
And I could go to college, do homework and take exams, and read, read, read.

[pause]

Maya Gallo:
Seems like a hassle.

Nina Van Horn:
Screw it.

Jack Gallo:
It's not just a game, it's a twenty-year grudge match. The Gallos versus the Gordons. Our wives may change, but the battle rages on.

Nina Van Horn:
[on phone] I'm telling you, you haven't seen a look like this since a certain raven-haired beauty. Me. Nina? Van Horn? No, I'm not dead!

Elliot DiMauro:
She has the kind of natural beauty that usually only comes after $15,000 of surgery.

Jack Gallo:
Dammit! You've got me thinking with my deck!

Nina Van Horn:
Well, she's already learned the Nutrcracker.

Elliot DiMauro:
It was nothing like that. We just talked. She says I'm a good listener.

Dennis Finch:
Good, then you'll be able to listen to this. [whispers] You're a loser.

Nina Van Horn:
I would give you some of my pain medication, but that would screw up my Saturday night.

Rhonda Ferrara:
Hey, slim. You're ribs are showing.

Nina Van Horn:
Not all of them. I left two with a doctor in Mexico.

Nina Van Horn:
Are things more relaxed without Jack around, or is that the gin talking?

Maya Gallo:
Could be the gin, could be the brandy you had before the gin. Boop, Bam!

Nina Van Horn:
What was that about?

Maya Gallo:
You're always taking swipes at me, so I thought I should start firing them back.

Nina Van Horn:
Don't mess with me, Maya. I will eat you alive.

Maya Gallo:
Then throw me up five minutes later. Zing, shazam!

Dennis Finch:
Remember me? D. Finch.

Rhonda Ferrara:
What's the D stand for?

Dennis Finch:
Dennis, as in not if but whenis.

Dennis Finch:
Nina, you just got a call from an Andre.

Nina Van Horn:
Ah, Andre Delacroix, masseuse to the stars. A massage from him is like being touched by the hands of God, except God doesn't spend that much time on your thighs.

Andre Delacroix:
I'm Andre. I'm looking for Nina.

Jack Gallo:
Who is that?

Nina Van Horn:
It's the delivery man. He's here to deliver my... my purse.

[picks up Andre's gear]

Jack Gallo:
It looks enormous!

Nina Van Horn:
It's the latest trend from Milan. Big is in.

Maya Gallo:
It's almost big enough for your make up. Bounce, bounce, count it!

Nina Van Horn:
You know, that color is unflattering on you.

Maya Gallo:
What, because I'm standing up for myself?

Nina Van Horn:
No, I meant brown. You look like a frumpy Raisinette.

Maya Gallo:
That was unnecessary.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, like the other half of your bed? Ah, order has been restored.

Dennis Finch:
Welcome to the jungle, baby. Hope you had your shots.

Elliot DiMauro:
I might cry again, but you like that in a man, right?

Vicki Costa:
Less and less.

Rhonda Ferrara:
Shut up, you little gerbil. I'm driving this train, and you're just shoveling coal. If you don't keep it hot enough, I'm throwing you on the tracks like the piece of garbage that you are.

Dennis Finch:
Heaven must be missing an angel.

Nina Van Horn:
I can't remember the last time I was so disappointed.

Maya Gallo:
Was it when Roosevelt was reelected? Teddy? Booyah!

Dennis Finch:
Let me guess? She discovered you, taught you everything she knows, and then you dumped her cold.

Nina Van Horn:
Who told you that?

Dennis Finch:
You, at your 10th annual 39th birthday party.

Elliot DiMauro:
When Nature creates a perfect female body, men have to check it out. It's in our genetic coding.

Dennis Finch:
Our DNA likes the T n' A.

Catherine DuChamp:
Drink?

Nina Van Horn:
Probable more than I should.

Nina Van Horn:
Death is not all it's cracked up to be. I flatlined for eight minutes and it was no picnic. There was no white light, just darkness and heat and the faint murmur of people talking backwards.

Catherine DuChamp:
Are you gonna sit down, or shall I ask the waitress for a booster seat?

Dennis Finch:
That's funny. Did you make that same joke to Napoleon?

Jack Gallo:
Good God! Men chasing fatties, Dennis dating the elderly... Has my life's work been for nothing?

Dennis Finch:
[a beautiful blonde walks by] Ooh! All hail her royal heinie.

Elliot DiMauro:
Where has she been hiding?

Dennis Finch:
Accounts layable.

Elliot DiMauro:
More like human resources.

Dennis Finch:
What?

Elliot DiMauro:
Hey, I'm trying, man.

Catherine DuChamp:
And after I paid to have that extra toe removed.

Nina Van Horn:
It was a wart!

Catherine DuChamp:
It had a nail!

Catherine DuChamp:
This is so typical of you. When I don't want you to stab me in the back, you do, and when I want you to do, you won't.

Jack Gallo:
My point is, if he wants a fat woman, why doesn't he just go out and get one? The town is full of them, and it's not like they're fleet of foot.

Maya Gallo:
Maybe you're right.

[she sits down, a plink is heard]

Jack Gallo:
What was that?

Maya Gallo:
The button on my pants.

Jack Gallo:
Holy God! It's embedded in the wood!

Maya Gallo:
Are you fattening me up?

Brad:
What?

Maya Gallo:
Be honest with me. Are you trying to make me fat?

Brad:
[laughs dismissively] Ha ha... okay, yeah.

Maya Gallo:
This is sick!

Brad:
You must understand. I admire you for what's inside. It's just that physically I'm not attracted to you.

Maya Gallo:
So you're treating me like veal? Here you are making these speeches about judging what's inside, yet you are just as bad as men who worship thin women!

Brad:
I can't help it. You're like one hundred pounds away from being a smoking babe.

Maya Gallo:
Get out!

Brad:
Think it over, think it over. No more dieting, no more going to the gym, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want and I will only love you more.

Maya Gallo:
[after considering it for a moment] No, no, no!

Brad:
Okay, fifty pounds and I'll spring for the elastic pants.

Dennis Finch:
Break it down! You're a clown! I'm the king... of chesstown.

Jack Gallo:
Don't get me wrong, there are people who are into all sort of weird things. Men who worship feet, women who enjoy a good spanking, the powerful executive who occasionally likes to camp it up as Carol Channing.

Maya Gallo:
That last one is a little weird.

Jack Gallo:
Maybe so, but that's no reason to hassle you on the parking lot.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, did you get my dry cleaning?

Dennis Finch:
[not looking at him] Yep.

Jack Gallo:
Did you play my lottery numbers?

Dennis Finch:
Yep.

Jack Gallo:
Biggety booggety boo?

Dennis Finch:
Yep.

Dennis Finch:
Jack just hit the lottery.

Nina Van Horn:
Wow. The rich keep getting richer.

Dennis Finch:
Not really. I didn't buy the ticket.

Nina Van Horn:
What?

Dennis Finch:
I never do. I buy candy.

Elliot DiMauro:
I never had a dog.

Nina Van Horn:
They're great. We had one on the farm. He had only three legs, but tremendous testicles.

Nina Van Horn:
Morning, Finch.

Dennis Finch:
I'm surprised you made it in.

Nina Van Horn:
And why is that?

Dennis Finch:
I'm always surprised you make it in.

Nina Van Horn:
What are you implying?

Dennis Finch:
I'm not really implying anything, I'm saying you reek like a Bob Marley concert.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, please. I have long since outgrown such foolishness.

Dennis Finch:
Is that a dog?

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, thank God, you see it too.

Maya Gallo:
He was sitting there begging for my scone.

Dennis Finch:
A cat wouldn't do that. Too much pride. Dogs are the whores of the animal kingdom. Look it up.

Elliot DiMauro:
I can't be opening bags and looking for bags and constantly dealing with bags.

Dennis Finch:
How am I going to tell him?

Nina Van Horn:
Can I do it?

Dennis Finch:
No, you have to help me find a way out of this.

Nina Van Horn:
Why should I?

Dennis Finch:
Because... because I know about that... that thing you did.

Nina Van Horn:
You're bluffing.

Dennis Finch:
The bad thing.

Nina Van Horn:
I don't wanna go to jail.

Dennis Finch:
She's testing ya, bro.

Nina Van Horn:
She's seeing if you can be a father.

Elliot DiMauro:
Maya's not like that.

Dennis Finch:
Then why did she write that article titled "Can your dude be a dad? Get a dog." [everyone stares] From July '99? Hot Celebrities in Hot Getaways? They all go to Hawaii... Does anyone read this magazine?

Dennis Finch:
I think I figured out a way out of this lottery mess.

Nina Van Horn:
Wait a minute. What if we enter the lottery in a different state, win that, and give Jack the fifty thousand? Or maybe a little less. He'll never count it.

Dennis Finch:
Can I do this by myself? No.

Elliot DiMauro:
There you are, Henri, mon ami. Sometimes we like to pretend we're French.

Denise:
I once gave him a French fry.

Elliot DiMauro:
Not really the same thing.

Dennis Finch:
I can't leave my post for a second. I have to be alert in case Jack goes to cash in his lottery ticket.

Nina Van Horn:
I wouldn't worry about it.

Dennis Finch:
Why not?

Nina Van Horn:
Because he left half an hour ago.

Dennis Finch:
What? That's impossible! My eyes haven't moved for... [Woman enters office] Well, look who's back?

Jack Gallo:
Nina, will you put that down? I spent all day buffing my putter.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, and cleaning that club.

Dennis Finch:
Elliot, you brother's on his way up.

Elliot DiMauro:
I don't want to see him. When he comes up, tell him I'm not here.

Dennis Finch:
How about I tell him you have a stomach flu and you were sent to the hospital. that way he won't track you down.

Elliot DiMauro:
That's great. Thanks. [Goes into Jack's office; Donnie enters]

Donnie DiMauro:
Hey, Finch. Is my brother around?

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, he's in there.

Donnie DiMauro:
[Elliot hugs him] Say, my lady's watching. You wanna gay it down a notch?

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, how much have I lost?

Dennis Finch:
In terms of what? Credibility? Dignity? Respect?

Jack Gallo:
I'm talking about money.

Dennis Finch:
Lost a lot of that, too.

Maya Gallo:
You know, your life is empty.

Dennis Finch:
At least he remembers my birthday.

Maya Gallo:
You bastard!

Jack Gallo:
Hey, Princess.

Maya Gallo:
Too little too late! I wanted a pony!

Nina Van Horn:
Why did I just tell you all that?

Dennis Finch:
I say nothing, you confess. A little Jedi mind trick I picked up along the way.

Nina Van Horn:
How long must I be punished for never having been to Japan?

Elliot DiMauro:
Hey, Jack. Look who's here.

Jack Gallo:
Hey, Donnie. Who has a pretty suit? Donnie does!

Maya Gallo:
Dad, he's not really slow. Remember?

Jack Gallo:
What? A guy can't complement another guy in a childlike voice?

[to another worker]

Jack Gallo:
You there! Who's got a shiny tie clasp? You do!

Donnie:
Dennis, when are you gonna stop hiding from behind your desk and come join me in the brotherhood of salesmen?

Dennis Finch:
I don't know. Would I have to wear the coonskin cap?

Jack Gallo:
Oh, Kevin, how are things down at the mail room?

Kevin Liotta:
Okay. How are things down at the rich, old bastards club?

Jack Gallo:
What?

Kevin Liotta:
Finch, I said it, but he didn't laugh.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, who's the one I always forget?

Dennis Finch:
Sneezy.

Jack Gallo:
Yes!

Maya Gallo:
So you sell insurance now?

Donnie:
Oh, I'm not selling anything. I provide piece of mind.

Maya Gallo:
Is that somehow connected with the toupee?

Donnie:
I don't follow.

Maya Gallo:
You used to be bald.

Donnie:
No... you must be mistaken.

Jack Gallo:
May I have everyone's attention? I have a very sad announcement. Blush Magazine's very first employee, Russell Henderson, died last night in his sleep at the age of 83. Russ was a good bookkeeper, and a dear friend to all who knew him. So in his honor, please join me in a moment of silence.

[everyone stands silent; Kevin walks in]

Kevin Liotta:
[after an uncomfortable pause] We were stranded in the snow! Our radio was broken! For the love of God, we had to eat something!

Jack Gallo:
Okay, silence over.

Donnie:
I made a go of it. But paying rent, making car payments, reaching for stuff... Eh, it's just not who I am.

Kevin Liotta:
In what year did the Spanish-American War began?

Dennis Finch:
Wait a minute. That's a trick question. Spain would never mess with us. We'd kick their asses. Am I right, dude?

Maya Gallo:
You took this picture?

Elliot DiMauro:
Yes, I did.

Maya Gallo:
It's called "Self Portrait."

Elliot DiMauro:
Yes. That's how I see myself.

Maya Gallo:
As a man named Mark Krendall?

Elliot DiMauro:
Yes. I see myself as Mark Krendall. Aren't we all Mark Krendalls inside?

Mark Krendall:
Hello, I'm Mark Krendall.

Elliot DiMauro:
See, Maya? This guy gets it.

Nina Van Horn:
Your picture is the hit of the show. You should betray Maya more often.

[Maya is about to pose nude for Elliot]

Maya Gallo:
I feel weird doing this.

Elliot DiMauro:
Maya, I'm a professional. Just think of me as a doctor. A doctor who took baths with you.

Nina Van Horn:
You have no choice. Either use this picture and let the world know that you're an artist, or use this one and let the world know that your grandma is Merle Haggard.

Kevin Liotta:
I gotta go. I have a ticket to Seussical. I found it on the street.

Nina Van Horn:
You don't know the first thing about throwing a hissy fit. You should be flying off the handle. You should be breaking stuff. You should be waking up the next morning smelling of gasoline and saying, "What the hell did I do?"

Jack Gallo:
Let me ask you this. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Dennis Finch:
Standing out there.

Jack Gallo:
Twenty years?

Dennis Finch:
Out there.

Jack Gallo:
Thirty years? Forty years? Fifty years?

Dennis Finch:
Out there, out there, buried next to you in the Gallo family tomb.

Nina Van Horn:
So you gave him wine.

Maya Gallo:
Wine laced with some cat tranquilizer.

Nina Van Horn:
You didn't!

Maya Gallo:
He's not the only one who can take naked pictures. Here.

Nina Van Horn:
Is that a flower coming out of...

Maya Gallo:
I used gardening gloves.

Nina Van Horn:
Maya, I am more proud of you now than I have ever been before.

Jack Gallo:
Why am I spending all this money on your college education? I thought you were going to buckle down and study for this exam.

Dennis Finch:
I'm trying! But when I study, it's like I'm teaching myself - and I'm an idiot. I'm being taught by an idiot.

Dennis:
You couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas.

Nina:
As fashion editor it's my job to look good. As a Keebler elf, it's your job to make delicious little cookies.

Maya:
Don't worry about it. I mean, everyone's yearbook photo is a little embarra... Oh, my God! You were a little fatty.

Maya:
So, the truth finally comes out. The legendary Elliot DiMauro was once a nerd.

Elliot:
No, I wasn't.

Maya:
Nerd!

Elliot:
Ha, that's very funny.

Maya:
Nerd!

Elliot:
That's not funny.

Maya:
Nerd!

Elliot:
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Would a nerd bring a supermodel to a funeral in a stretch limo with four-hundred roses shaped in a giant tear?

Maya:
No, but the nerd king might.

Jack:
Dennis, I see this magazine as my castle, and you are, for lack of a better word, my gargoyle.

Elliot:
I can't decide which one to take to the Hamptons. Leone has perfect legs, but Trisha has perfect breasts.

Maya:
What a coincidence. You're a perfect ass.

Dennis:
Good morning. Hmm, tension in the air. Let me guess: Mr. Love Machine here was going yappity-wappity about getting it on with the ladies. And Mother Superior was all, "What a pig!" And you were all, "But me likie them women." And you were all, "Boo-hoo-hoo! What about our brains?"

Maya:
Finch, do you want to get smacked?

Dennis:
Kinda. I'm not proud of it.

Jack:
People don't respect me because I'm the boss. It's getting respect that's made me the boss.

Dennis:
Ah, I see.

[moves away a bottle of scotch]

Dennis:
No more for you.

[Elliot has a zit on his nose]

Maya:
Whoa, Krakatoa!

Elliot:
It's just a little blemish.

Jack:
It's like an escape hatch for your brain.

Nina:
[just coming in] So sorry about your pimple, Elliot.

Elliot:
How did you know?

Nina:
I saw it as you got out of the cab. I mean, we're only nineteen floors up.

Elliot:
I'm going to that memorial service to inform the citizens of Loserville, New Jersey that their top export is Elliot DiMauro.

Maya:
Who was Mr. Farrel?

Elliot:
He was my high school coach. We used to call him Farrel the Ferret.

Maya:
Why did you call him that?

Elliot:
You know, because he was a big man.

Maya:
Why didn't you call him Farrel the Barrel?

Elliot:
People weren't that clever in my town. When the train went by, everyone would clap.

Elliot:
Nina, I need your help. I need a suit to wear to a memorial service.

Nina:
What do you want the suit to say?

Elliot:
I want it to say that I'll be sad for an hour, but on the way back, I'm having sex on a limo.

Nina:
Hugo Boss, charcoal grey. It's what my tennis instructor wore to my second husband's funeral.

Jack:
Maya, what's more important to a bird? That it has wings or that it has the confidence to fly?

Maya:
Uh... Wings?

Jack:
Wrong. Witness the penguin, a flightless bird. Do you know why penguins can't fly?

Maya:
Because its wings can't support its body mass?

Jack:
Maya, there was a time when penguins filled the sky, until the day their confidence was shattered, and they never flew again.

Maya:
Ah, I see.

[takes away scotch bottle]

Maya:
No more for you.

Dennis:
[reading from Elliot's yearbook] Captain of the chess club. Ha ha ha!

Maya:
I'm surprised you weren't in the marching band.

Dennis:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Were you ever invited to play the Gator Bowl? I didn't think so.

Maya Gallo:
Is Erlene the one who's married to the sharecropper?

Nina Van Horn:
No, that's Lurlene, and they're divorced now. The weed killer he was using made him grow breasts.

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister:
Excuse me? I'm looking for Nina Van Horn? I'm her sister Erlene.

Dennis Finch:
Well, well, well. You must be dusty from your travels. May I give you a sponge bath? I'm 70% kidding.

Jack Gallo:
Yesterday, during my announcement, someone booed me. That stung. And I have one thing to say to that booer: thank you. Thank you for making me realize that I was out of touch with you and your needs. So henceforth, that door is always open.

Dennis Finch:
Wow, I think that was the wisest, most mature thing you have ever done.

Jack Gallo:
And so the trap is set.

Dennis Finch:
What?

Jack Gallo:
I did that to put the booer at ease, and now he's going to come to me. And when he does, that's when I'll have him. [Laughs]

Dennis Finch:
Should I book you a cell with the Riddler and the Penguin?

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister:
[arm wrestling Elliot] Come on, you don't want to lose in front of this little lady.

Maya Gallo:
We're not together anymore.

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister:
Well, in that case...

[beats Elliot]

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister:
Are you really that insecure?

Nina Van Horn:
I've had five husbands and four noses.

Maya Gallo:
Erlene wants to see some museums, so we're taking her on a little tour.

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister:
I really want to see the Frick.

Nina Van Horn:
The frick? I'm sorry, but someone made that up to fool you into saying something naughty.

Elliot DiMauro:
Actually, there is a Frick Museum.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, the Frick! I thought you meant the Keister Museum.

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister:
[in bed with Dennis] That was incredible. I thought I was a woman before, but after that, I don't think any man can compare with... compare with... I'm sorry, can we cut?

Dennis Finch:
What's the matter, baby?

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister:
Can anyone buy this? I mean, look at me... look at him.

Dennis Finch:
Hey!

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister:
No offence.

Dennis Finch:
None taken. But you were into it. A guy can tell.

Maya Gallo:
I'm really sorry about this. He's been paying off the writers to put him in these kind of scenes. Earlier in the season he was with two lesbian boxers.

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister:
I don't really watch the show.

Maya Gallo:
And there was this episode where I was in a baby doll... [They walk away, leaving Dennis alone]

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, and that's the way it's gonna stay! Can somebody hand me my pants?

Nina Van Horn:
Honesty is one of those things people say they want, but they really don't, like education or children.

Nina Van Horn:
I don't like walking. It's so pedestrian.

Maya Gallo:
You're walking.

Nina Van Horn:
God gave us feet for three reasons: to be massaged, pedicured, and tied to the other end of the bed.

[Maya distracted Nina while she was walking across the street by pointing out a street juggler and now she's in a cast]

Nina Van Horn:
Little tip: never yell, 'Look, he's got six balls!' at someone who's about to step off a curb.

Dennis Finch:
Check it out, my Planet of the Apes collection is almost complete.

Jack Gallo:
You know, I don't get that movie. Are the lady apes supposed to be sexy?

Dennis Finch:
I don't think so.

Jack Gallo:
Yeah, neither do I.

Vicki Costa:
Can I come in?

Jack Gallo:
Sure, unless you think I'm being too pushy or bloated.

Vicki Costa:
I didn't say bloated.

Jack Gallo:
It was implied.

Jack Gallo:
All of the great captains of industry are doing it.

Dennis Finch:
Kirk, Kangaroo, Crunch... although technically, Crunch is a Cap'n.

Jack Gallo:
[takes Dennis' action figure] Tell me what you really think or Dr. Zaius gets it.

Dennis Finch:
Please don't hurt my monkey.

Nina Van Horn:
[finds a pill on the floor] Hello, old friend.

[puts pill in mouth, then spits it out]

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, dammit! It's a Tic-Tac!

Jack Gallo:
It's Fashion Week. Nina, I'm sure you're looking forward to all those parties.

Nina Van Horn:
I resent that. Just because you flatline at a couple of parties they label you a party animal.

Jack Gallo:
I want you to be honest. Really let me have it.

Maya Gallo:
Well, you can be pushy.

Jack Gallo:
There you go.

Vicki Costa:
And you're self-centered.

Jack Gallo:
That's it.

Elliot DiMauro:
[stands up and slams hand on table] You belittle me!

Jack Gallo:
Okay...

Elliot DiMauro:
I give and give and you never give anything back!

Jack Gallo:
All right, Sally, take a Midol.

Dennis Finch:
He's trying to take away what I love the most: serving him. He's hoping I snap and come crawling back. He's a diabolical genius that one, like Dr. Frankenstein or Katie Couric.

Maya Gallo:
[finds Nina still on the floor] Oh, Nina! Were you there all night?

Nina Van Horn:
I think I blacked out a couple of times.

Maya Gallo:
Oh, I'm so sorry... Wait a minute. If you have been there all night, why is there fresh ice in that glass?

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, kiss my ass, Nancy Drew!

Maya Gallo:
Dad, please don't run away.

Jack Gallo:
I'm not running, I'm surviving. Does the antelope stand by the waterhole and converse with the surly panther? Not in my Africa.

Elliot DiMauro:
The longest relationship I was in was six months, and that was because I was alternating with twins.

Dennis Finch:
What's up, chief?

Jack Gallo:
Not much, except that acording to this heart monitor, I'm clinically dead.

Dennis Finch:
Let me be the first to say, you were a great, great man, and dibs on your wife.

Eve Gallo:
Nina, you look fantastic.

Nina Van Horn:
Me? It's like you found the Fountain of Youth.

[they turn away from each other]

Eve Gallo:
Poor thing. The years have been cruel.

Nina Van Horn:
Boy, Father Time sure gave her a good spanking.

Maya Gallo:
You two are so alike.

Jack Gallo:
Yes, we both spend my money.

Eve Gallo:
And we each took a bath with my sister, only I was three at the time.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, hide this painting. Put it somewhere where no one ever goes.

Dennis Finch:
Gotcha. I'll put it in Maya's bedroom.

Bill Slatton:
I know what makes you tick, Dennis Finch.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, right.

Bill Slatton:
I know you live in a world of fear. I know you stay awake at night, and as you stare at the darkness you know exactly what it feels like to be dead.

[after a pause, Dennis runs away crying]

Bill Slatton:
I may not have a job in a fancy magazine, but I have something you will never have: dignity. By the way, if you ever need golf lessons, I go by the name of Doctor Putts.

Elliot DiMauro:
Who are you?

Bill Slatton:
I'm the new guy.

Elliot DiMauro:
Who ordered a new guy?

Nina Van Horn:
I did, but there's been a mistake. You're supposed to show up at my friend Binnie's apartment wearing a gladiator outfit.

Bill Slatton:
Jack sent me here to crack the whip.

Nina Van Horn:
Again, that would be me.

Jack Gallo:
Maya, remember during the divorce we had that talk about how it wasn't your fault?

Maya Gallo:
Yes.

Jack Gallo:
We won't be having that talk.

Maya Gallo:
Hey, nice suit. Where have I seen it before?

Dennis Finch:
Fred Savage wore it in the Wonder Years. Got it on eBay.

Fanny Finch, Dennis Finch's Mother:
Dennis Quimby Finch.

Dennis Finch:
Mommy! I mean, hello, mother.

Jack Gallo:
Sorry I can't stay, but I have an aerobics class across the street. I'm dating the instructor.

Maya Gallo:
Oh, you're still with Jill?

Dennis Finch:
[sing-song] Jack and Jill. I hope she's on the pill.

[Jack stares at him]

Dennis Finch:
I'm sorry.

Jack Gallo:
How could you say that in front of your mother?

Dennis Finch:
She doesn't understand what I'm saying.

Fanny Finch, Dennis Finch's Mother:
I don't.

Maya Gallo:
Why did he stop shooting?

Elliot DiMauro:
I asked him about it.

Maya Gallo:
And?

Elliot DiMauro:
He said the world was grey and cleaned his ear with my car keys.

Fanny Finch, Dennis Finch's Mother:
You've never lied before. Becoming vice-president of Blush has changed you.

Dennis Finch:
Just so you know, her name's Fanny.

Maya Gallo:
Fanny, as in tushie?

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, and you have a big rack. We're all God's children.

Dennis Finch:
It's her first time in New York. In fact, it's her first time out of Albany after the divorce.

Maya Gallo:
Then she should go to MoMA. They're having an exhibition on the history of the fountain pen.

Dennis Finch:
How have you not found mister right?

Nina Van Horn:
Here, give this to Horst.

Elliot DiMauro:
What is it?

Nina Van Horn:
It's a hate letter he wrote me.

Maya Gallo:
Wow, so many pages... of the same two words.

Nina Van Horn:
You want me to pose for a photograph for him?

Elliot DiMauro:
Yes.

Nina Van Horn:
Well, forget it!

Maya Gallo:
The entire world would see this photograph.

Nina Van Horn:
I'll go change.

Horst:
I detest her!

Elliot DiMauro:
Then express it, through your camera.

Nina Van Horn:
That's that black box on your sweaty hands.

Horst:
I'd rather eat a dog!

Nina Van Horn:
Then that would be cannibalism, wouldn't it?

Nina Van Horn:
You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna be celibate.

[Maya laughs as she passes by]

Elliot DiMauro:
Don't let that discourage you, all right? That's only one person's opinion.

Jack Gallo:
[from inside his office] Nina? Ha ha ha!

Jack Gallo:
We just need to find someone who can pass for a high school kid.

Maya Gallo:
Yeah, but where?

Dennis Finch:
He he! You said "buttwear."

Jack Gallo:
It's just for one day. Stanley can fill in for you.

Kevin Liotta:
It's Kevin.

Jack Gallo:
You don't look like a Kevin.

Kevin Liotta:
I know. I don't feel like a Kevin.

Mr. Peters:
What's your name, young man?

Dennis Finch:
D. Finch.

Mr. Peters:
And the D stands for?

Dennis Finch:
D-cup, that's the way I like my ladies.

Maya Gallo:
Nina, your boyfriend is sitting behind my desk naked smoking a cigar.

Nina Van Horn:
That is so romantic.

Nina Van Horn:
I spent the entire weekend watching the tape of my A&E Biography, and I've realized a few things.

Elliot DiMauro:
How many don't involve your looks or your weight?

Nina Van Horn:
Four.

Elliot DiMauro:
Or your hair?

Nina Van Horn:
One.

Elliot DiMauro:
Make it quick.

Dennis Finch:
I hated high school the first time around. I was too fragile to play sports, never have a date, never went to the prom...

Maya Gallo:
But you must have had friends.

Dennis Finch:
Just a bunch of guys who called me Denise and took my pants.

Miguel:
I am in the mood for a Nina colada.

Nina Van Horn:
If anyone needs me, I'll be in ecstasy.

Jack Gallo:
[about Kevin's singing] Such sweet sounds from such an odd bird.

Krissy:
You know, your mind games may work on Mr. Peters, but not me. I dont' have any secrets, I have nothing to hide.

Dennis Finch:
Good for you. By the way, nice nose job.

Krissy:
Shut up, D-bag!

Miguel:
When I come back, I will turn the charm up from uno to ocho.

Elliot DiMauro:
What airline do you work for?

Jack Gallo:
I'm telling you, he has the voice of an angel.

Elliot DiMauro:
Aha. And a basement full of hitchhikers.

Maya Gallo:
You're a 33-year old going on a date with a high school cheerleader!

Dennis Finch:
Head cheerleader. Top of the pyramid.

Maya Gallo:
[sarcastic] Oh, bitchin'.

Dennis Finch:
First of all, no one says "bitchin'" anymore. And secondly, it is bitchin'. I'm going back to high school and this time I'm doing it right.

Elliot DiMauro:
[after Nina resists Miguel] I'm proud of you, Nina. Come on. I'll buy you a drink.

Nina Van Horn:
I can't.

Elliot DiMauro:
Why not?

Nina Van Horn:
Because if I move, I'll have an orgasm.

Krissy:
I've totally fallen in love you, and nothing you say can change that.

Dennis Finch:
Oh, Krissy. I'm 33 years old. I know that might be cool to your gang...

Krissy:
Ew!

Dennis Finch:
Let me explain...

Krissy:
Ew! Ew, ew, ew! D-cup is 33! The old guy totally wanted to perv on me at the lake!

Nina Van Horn:
Could you hold on for a moment?

Miguel:
I will be on an erotic holding pattern.

Mr. Peters:
Very nice. That's going to look real good on your permanent record.

Dennis Finch:
Oh, no. Not my permanent record. Now I can't be an English teacher and wear a high-energy sweater vest.

Mr. Peters:
I warn you.

Dennis Finch:
Let me guess. You became an English teacher just until you could finish your serious novel.

Mr. Peters:
That's enough.

Dennis Finch:
And you it's fifteen years later, and you're afraid to show it to your wife because it's not any good.

Mr. Peters:
It's a work in progress!

Nina Van Horn:
Who knows what I could have accomplished if I hadn't been sidetracked by men? I could have been president, or a teacher, or at least mastered multiplication and goes into.

Dennis Finch:
Sorry I went all Road Rules on you.

Krissy:
Oh, it was more than Road Rules. It was Real World Hawaii.

Nina Van Horn:
I looked straight at the navel of the beast and said, "No, gracias."

Dennis Finch:
I had a chance to D-Finch a high-school girl, possibly in a paddle boat, and I too said, "No, gracias."

Nina Van Horn:
Mine was Spanish.

Dennis Finch:
Mine took Spanish.

Dennis Finch:
That's it, time for a Finch attack! Crank it, spank it, smack it on the bing-bong!

Maya Gallo:
All I'm saying is that a woman's lack of self-worth can be measured by a yardstick I like to call the bikini.

Dennis Finch:
I likes them small so they don't hold in the big.

Maya Gallo:
Can you not look at my chest when you say those things?

Dennis Finch:
Sure. Just turn around and bend over.

Elliot DiMauro:
You know, Finch. I admire your honesty.

Dennis Finch:
And I admire your feminine boots.

Maya Gallo:
This competition is childish and immature, and I can't believe you would treat a woman like that.

Elliot DiMauro:
We did it to you when you first came here.

Maya Gallo:
You did? Thanks, you guys!

Maya Gallo:
You're fighting over Amy like she were Molly Ringwald or something.

Dennis Finch:
You know, there's this section in the video store called New Releases.

Nina Van Horn:
If you think I can't kick you in the head, that's where you're wrong. I was a dancer in Vegas.

Maya Gallo:
Back off, sister! I didn't stay a virgin through grad school without learning a few moves.

Elliot DiMauro:
It's not just the way she dresses and what she says. She's intelligent and charismatic and creative, and I can't wait until tonight when we become a sweaty tangle of limbs.

Maya Gallo:
There is something to be said about positive reinforcement.

Jack Gallo:
Yes, and that thing is... [Razz]

Elliot DiMauro:
[Dennis is now Amy's assistant] I'm screwed! He's going to cater to her every whim. This is what Finch does best.

Maya Gallo:
He's not that good an assistant.

Elliot DiMauro:
He boils and bottles Jack a special shampoo.

Maya Gallo:
So how did it go in court?

Nina Van Horn:
Guilty. Can you imagine? A man in a black robe and brown loafers has the nerve to tell me I'm indecent.

Maya Gallo:
Nina, you were caught having sex in a glass elevator.

Nina Van Horn:
What I do in public is my own damn business.

Jack Gallo:
So what did the judge give you?

Nina Van Horn:
Fifty hours of community service, but the joke's on them. Most of the garbage on the highway is mine anyway.

Adrienne Barker:
Dennis, you're not having one of your weird jealous fits, are you?

Dennis Finch:
Jealous? No.

Delivery Guy:
Excuse me, miss. I need someone to sign for this.

Dennis Finch:
No one is impressed by your muscles, so beat it!

Elliot DiMauro:
[to Kyle, a hand model] Have we ever worked together?

Kyle:
I doubt it. I mostly work in the west coast. For some reason I get more hand jobs out there.

Dennis Finch:
I need your advice. There's this guy Kyle.

Jack Gallo:
I get it. Kyle is you.

Dennis Finch:
No, Kyle's this other guy, and he's trying to sleep with Adrienne.

Jack Gallo:
I see, and Kyle is having trouble in the sack.

Dennis Finch:
I'm not Kyle!

Maya Gallo:
I volunteer at a retirement home. You can serve your time there.

Nina Van Horn:
I don't know. I feel uneasy around the elderly. But not you, Jack. I feel just great around you.

Jack Gallo:
I didn't hear that.

Nina Van Horn:
We need to get him a hearing aid.

Maya Gallo:
The key is to keep it upbeat and cheerful. All right, who wants to discuss the reign of terror in Bosnia?

Nina Van Horn:
Three sailors walk into a bar...

Mr. Henderson:
Hey, I've heard this joke!

Nina Van Horn:
It's not a joke. I'm trying to tell you about my weekend.

Dennis Finch:
I have a little present for you. Not salt, just Pepper.

Kyle:
Pepper!

Dennis Finch:
Your supposed dead dog. I found her in your grandmother's backyard.

Kyle:
How did you know?

Dennis Finch:
I just thought to myself, where would I go to hide my darkest, deepest secret? I'd go to the only woman I trust: Nana!

Jack Gallo:
You're jealous because you're insecure.

Dennis Finch:
I am, and I shouldn't be.

Jack Gallo:
Yes, you should. You never let her see the real you. For Gosh's sake, you have her thinking you were a marksman in the Gulf War.

Dennis Finch:
Tank commander, but I see your point.

Jack Gallo:
If you want your marriage to work, you have to be honest with her.

Dennis Finch:
There has to be another way.

Jack Gallo:
Honesty, Dennis. It's the key to a healthy marriage.

Elliot DiMauro:
Jack, Ally wants to know if you can join her for lunch.

Jack Gallo:
Tell her I'm at the dentist.

Jack Gallo:
[to Dennis] It's a little game we play.

Elliot DiMauro:
I wouldn't worry about this Kyle. They're just buddies, like in "When Harry Met Sally".

Dennis Finch:
Harry slept with Sally.

Elliot DiMauro:
Really? I left early.

Jack Gallo:
I got the perfect present for you. I don't want to give it away, but do you own a canoe?

Dennis Finch:
No, thanks.

Jack Gallo:
You're in danger of getting a gift certificate.

Kelly:
This is such a turn off.

Dennis Finch:
What?

Kelly:
I liked you because you were gentle and sensitive. If I wanted a macho jerk, I would've stayed with Maria.

Dennis Finch:
I'm not macho. What are you talking about?

Kelly:
You know what? We're through.

Dennis Finch:
Wait, come back! I'm a total wimp! I've got a porcelain kitten in my gym bag!

Jack Gallo:
This is a real gym, hard core. This is not like those places where you Slim Down with Salsa.

Dennis Finch:
It's Tone Up with Tango, and I use ankle weights. These bozos wouldn't last the day.

Jack Gallo:
She's not normal. It's one thing when women mud wrestle in bikinis. There's dignity in that.

Nina Van Horn:
Let's play Brain Fever. It sounds sexy and tropical, like malaria.

Elliot DiMauro:
You're dating a woman boxer?

Nina Van Horn:
That's perfect. You can knit her a new jock strap.

Nina Van Horn:
So she's a female bisexual boxer?

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, here's a hundred dollars. I want you to buy yourself a hooker. It'll be the most normal relationship you've ever had.

Jack Gallo:
Wait a minute. How do we know you and Kevin haven't worked out some sort of system?

Kevin Liotta:
[shouting] I'm not a cheater!

Jack Gallo:
Okay, that's good enough for me.

Jack Gallo:
You know, I was quite the boxer.

Dennis Finch:
I blew up a tank in the Gulf War.

Jack Gallo:
You can't let me have anything, can you?

Dennis Finch:
You know, I'm a fan of the ol' fisties game.

Kelly:
Who's your favorite fighter?

Dennis Finch:
Muhammad Ali.

Kelly:
Anyone else?

Dennis Finch:
Sugar Ray Super Sugar Crisp?

Brain Fever Brain:
What are you, stupid?

Nina Van Horn:
Aw, that sounds just like my pa.

Maya Gallo:
I'll be looking forward to it.

Nina Van Horn:
Well, don't look too far forward, because you might find yourself looking backwards. At yourself, running sideways.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, are you drinking my good scotch?

Nina Van Horn:
Calm down, it's mostly water now, anyway... I'm guessing.

Elliot DiMauro:
So Jack just stood there, saying nothing?

Kevin Liotta:
He looked angry, like how an owl looks when you keep it in the bath for too long.

Jack Gallo:
I wonder if they have soft-shelled crabs yet? You know what I like about them?

Maya Gallo:
Eating them make you feel powerful like a giant squid.

Jack Gallo:
Shark, Maya. I'm a giant shark.

Jack Gallo:
You're fired.

Dennis Finch:
You can't just fire me. You have to give me some warning.

Jack Gallo:
You're right. Look out, you're fired.

Jack Gallo:
Look at all these gifts.

Maya Gallo:
[picks a plush bee and reads card] "Let's bee friends."

[picks a plush bear]

Maya Gallo:
"I can't bear to be apart."

[picks up a plush tiger]

Maya Gallo:
"I miss you, and I'm not lion."

Jack Gallo:
That one doesn't even make sense. It's a tiger.

Maya Gallo:
Which is "not lion".

Posse Member:
Oh, Dogg. Are you crying, man?

Snoop Dogg:
No, I ain't crying. I miss that little blond fool.

Jack Gallo:
Whose pants are these?

Allie, Maya's stepmother and former classmate:
Boop! Got your nose!

Jack Gallo:
No, Allie. That won't work this time. You haven't got my nose.

Nina Van Horn:
Here's what you do. This worked for me the second time I shot Jack's Yorkies.

Ms. Picklesbee:
And here's the SkyMall magazine you requested.

Jack Gallo:
Perfect. Let's see if this stuff is as tempting on the ground.

Nina Van Horn:
Look at her standing there like a shorn ape. You know what I'd like to do? I'd offer her a makeover, then I'd cover her in glue and bees. Angry, stinging bees.

Snoop Dogg:
I'm going next door to buy a Bentley. I forgot where I parked the last one.

Dennis Finch:
All right. Get a receipt this time.

Dennis Finch:
I'm going on a world-wide tour, first class everything. Hotels, food, fly women, water parks.

Jack Gallo:
Water parks?

Dennis Finch:
Snoop and the gang love to beat the heat.

Snoop Dogg:
Yeah, the got a slide in Singapore that does a loopity-loop.

Dennis Finch:
I hate to be a nag, Snoop, but you're supposed to be on stage in... Whoa, long time ago!

Nina Van Horn:
Friends, clear your calendars. Two nights from tonight, the A&E network is airing my Biography.

Maya Gallo:
Oh, Nina. That's great.

Dennis Finch:
Bottom of the Barrel Week continues, with Nina Van Horn.

Nina Van Horn:
It's called Comeback Week, you little hedgehog.

Dennis Finch:
Oh! Did you know the hedgehog at the zoo is pregnant? Artificial insemination.

Nina Van Horn:
Maya, you're blonde.

Maya Gallo:
Yes.

Nina Van Horn:
Wow! And may I say, you look hot.

Maya Gallo:
Thank you, Nina. That's so sweet.

[after Nina leaves, Maya speaks into her tape recorder]

Maya Gallo:
Women are jealous, feel threatened by new me.

Nina Van Horn:
Just think, a TV show dedicated entirely to me. Just me. Me, me, me. It's really quite humbling.

Dennis Finch:
Calm down. They also did one on Yosemite Sam.

Dennis Finch:
Of course, I had a secret that no one could have ever guessed.

Jack Gallo:
You were in love with her.

Dennis Finch:
I was in love with her.

Nina Van Horn:
Dear God, I know that it would be selfish of me to ask for this man to live, but if you could just allow him to linger until nine o'clock tonight - eight o'clock Central - I would be forever grateful. Hail Mary, the Holy Ghost... David and Goliath, and all the rest of them. Amen.

Dennis Finch:
She's perfect. She has the body of Britney Spears and the wisdom of Princess Leia.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, what are you doing?

[sees him staring at a blond woman bent over]

Jack Gallo:
Ah, I see you also appreciate a nice backyard.

Dennis Finch:
Jack, don't...

Jack Gallo:
Just because I'm married, doesn't mean I can't apreciate the view.

Dennis Finch:
You're the boss.

Jack Gallo:
Oh, yes. Come to daddy.

[the woman turns around; it's Maya]

Maya Gallo:
Oh, morning, dad.

Dennis Finch:
Want me to drive you uptown so you can hit on you mom?

Dennis Finch:
She's here. What do I do?

Jack Gallo:
Listen to your head, but don't be afraid to follow your heart.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah, right. Guy doesn't even recognize his own daughter.

Elliot DiMauro:
There's nothing wrong with a little fantasy. It's healthy. Shows I'm willing to be intimate with you.

Maya Gallo:
What was I, some tattooed floozy in thigh-high boots you picked up on some bar?

Elliot DiMauro:
No.

Maya Gallo:
Then what?

Elliot DiMauro:
A naked blonde stranger who wanted to have sex with me. Men don't need all that extra stuff.

Nicole:
Ow! Ow! Put me down!

Justin:
Then how am I supposed to lift you up?

Dennis Finch:
You don't lift her. You allow her to fly!

Nicole:
Dennis, you came. Justin, this is the guy who's going to help us.

Justin:
Help us do what? Find the Lucky Charms?

Maya Gallo:
How did the aquarium shoot go?

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, they threw us out. Apparently, my flash enraged the giant squid.

Maya Gallo:
Elliot, we need to talk.

Elliot DiMauro:
Not now. I'm busy.

Maya Gallo:
You're eating pudding.

Elliot DiMauro:
Yes, but I'm fantasizing it's Jello.

Dennis Finch:
Does Elliot know?

Maya Gallo:
Not yet. He's in a photo shoot at the Bronx Zoo.

Dennis Finch:
Oh, did you hear the rhino there has a pet kitten named Rocky? You learn a lot if you rent the headsets.

Maya Gallo:
How was the zoo shoot?

Elliot DiMauro:
Terrible. None of the animals wanted to come out, except for a spider monkey who spent the whole day pleasuring himself. I'm so tired. I just want to lie down.

Maya Gallo:
[steps in with her blonde hair] Are you sure?

Elliot DiMauro:
Then again, you snooze, you lose.

Jack Gallo:
So, how is your friend enjoying my new flat-screen TV?

Nicole:
Actually, my father just bought...

Jack Gallo:
Well, this one's better.

Nurse:
How are we doing, Mr. McMahon?

Ed McMahon:
Get this religious freak out of here!

Nina Van Horn:
Ed, you're alive! I brought you out of your coma!

Ed McMahon:
Coma? You said it was a concussion!

Maya Gallo:
Here's my proposal. We go out for dinner tonight.

Elliot DiMauro:
You mean a dinner date?

Maya Gallo:
No, no. Not a dinner date. A dinner meeting. More formal than hanging out, but more casual than a date. Any questions?

Elliot DiMauro:
Yes. If we make out, will you bring the proper forms?

Dennis Finch:
No offense, Jack, but I think I can choose how soon I can date again. I'm a grown man. Ooh, check out the boobies!

Maya Gallo:
Guess who's on her way up? My old assistant Cindy!

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, no, not that gold brick of stupid from the idiot bank.

Cindy:
Who else wants a hug?

Dennis Finch:
I'll ask around.

[walks away]

Nina Van Horn:
Better not. No telling what I'll do with my hands around your neck.

Cindy:
I had to turn all my animals the other way before we did uppy-downy.

Dennis Finch:
Ladies and gentlemen, I have big news. I have mended my broken heart and are back on the prowl.

Jack Gallo:
That's great.

Nina Van Horn:
Congratulations.

Jack Gallo:
What's her name?

Dennis Finch:
[holding copy of Blush] Well, I don't know her name yet, but for now I'm calling her "page 106".

Jack Gallo:
Pardon me, Nina. Dennis and I need to have some guy talk.

Nina Van Horn:
I'll start. So, what about that cute guy from shipping?

Nina Van Horn:
Dennis, where's my Roladex?

Dennis Finch:
I don't know what you mean.

Nina Van Horn:
Eight models called me to complain that you called them asking for dates.

Dennis Finch:
One of them accepted.

Nina Van Horn:
She was afraid! She thought you were calling from inside her home.

Dennis Finch:
Adrienne was voted the seventh most beautiful woman in the world. I am willing to go as low as thirty. Thirty-one if she has a trampoline.

Nina Van Horn:
She's on her way up. Are you ready?

Dennis Finch:
I came out of my mother ready.

Nina Van Horn:
That's pleasant.

Nina Van Horn:
For the first time in my life I know what's it like to be high on life. It's not as much fun, but my driving's improved.

Maya Gallo:
As I told ten other people, I am very into men. I'm just single because I have higher standards.

Elliot DiMauro:
You dated me.

Maya Gallo:
Why does everyone keep throwing that in my face?

Nina Van Horn:
I would like a sailboat for a present.

Jack Gallo:
I gave you a sailboat for your last wedding.

Nina Van Horn:
The Coast Guard repossessed it. Something about illegal cargo, blah, blah, blah.

Dennis Finch:
Come on, padre. Let's get you suited up.

Minister #2:
I'm not Catholic.

Dennis Finch:
No one cares.

Kevin Liotta:
I don't need much, just a kitchen, a bedroom, and a place for my karaoke machine. If I'm not singing, I'm not living.

Maya Gallo:
Why are you doing this to me?

Nina Van Horn:
Why does the sun shine? Why does the rain fall?

Dennis Finch:
What are you doing here?

Nina Van Horn:
Just reliving some memories.

Dennis Finch:
You didn't go to college.

Nina Van Horn:
I know, but two years ago I went out with a sophomore at Columbia. He spent all his cash money to buy me this bracelet, but then again, I taught him things you don't learn in school, unless you go to school in Bangkok.

Nina Van Horn:
[to herself] You are beautiful and you have zero percent body fat. You are beautiful and you have zero percent body fat...

Jack Gallo:
So, is this a great seat or what?

Nina Van Horn:
It fits like a glove. A fabulous ass glove.

Dennis Finch:
Do we have any corn on the cob?

Kevin Liotta:
No.

Dennis Finch:
Do we have any biscuits left?

Kevin Liotta:
We ate them all.

Dennis Finch:
Shoot. Looks like we're gonna have to throw chicken at people.

Kevin Liotta:
Living together is gonna be great.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah. Watch me hit that hooker with a drumstick.

Dennis Finch:
I want the whole Felicity experience, only I'm not cutting my hair.

Danny:
Who are you?

Dennis Finch:
I'm your roommate.

Rob:
He looks so old.

Danny:
What are you, thirty?

Nina Van Horn:
Closer to forty.

Dennis Finch:
You want to hang out at the quadrangle, or the newly renovated Driscoll Center?

Danny:
I don't think so.

Nina Van Horn:
They hate you.

Dennis Finch:
They don't hate me.

Rob:
You're mom's right. We hate you.

Nina Van Horn:
You're devious and selfish. Why haven't I dated you? Oh, that right. Because you're poor and tiny.

Danny:
You know what? You're all right.

Rob:
You're better than all right. You're okay.

Maya Gallo:
No hard feelings. Peanut brittle?

Dennis Finch:
Oh, I wonder what will happen when I open it? [opens can] It's peanut brittle.

Elliot DiMauro:
I don't get it.

Maya Gallo:
[laughing] Check the expiration date.

Maya Gallo:
A landscape. It has a nice Ansel Adams quality to it.

Elliot DiMauro:
That's because it's a picture of an Ansel Adams picture. That's what he does, he takes pictures of pictures.

Maya Gallo:
Well, maybe he's making a statement.

Elliot DiMauro:
Yeah, "I'm out of medication."

Jack Gallo:
I just had lunch with Ally and guess what? The waiter thought I was his father.

Nina Van Horn:
That a compliment. Aren't you older than her father?

Maya Gallo:
So what do you think of me now?

Dennis Finch:
Same as before. Body, ten. Personality, four.

Maya Gallo:
Four?

Dennis Finch:
Now you're a three.

[Maya pinches Dennis on the nipple]

Dennis Finch:
Ooh, eight!

Mr. Weiland:
Look, missy, a promise might hold water in Bogota, but last time I checked this is America, where football means football.

Maya Gallo:
Elliot, your turtle bites.

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, yeah? Well, you bite!

Maya Gallo:
No, I mean your turtle bit me.

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, he does that.

Nina Van Horn:
Sorry I'm late. I was visiting my friend Binnie at the hospital. She got vertigo at the Guggenheim, fell off a railing and landed on a capucchino cart. Everyone thought it was performance art and applauded. She walked off with a broken rib and a grant from the NEA.

Dr. Hendrie:
Let me outline for you how plastic surgery can make your life better. How would you like to be surrounded by young, beautiful women?

Jack Gallo:
I am, every day. Supermodels.

Dr. Hendrie:
Ah. How would you like for your boss to stop treating you like an old fuddy-duddy?

Jack Gallo:
I am the boss. I own the whole damn company.

Dr. Hendrie:
But... Do you have a boat?

Jack Gallo:
I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't need you.

Dr. Hendrie:
I really think you should reconsider.

Jack Gallo:
Why? My life is perfect. I just hope that when you're my age...

Dr. Hendrie:
I'm seventy-two.

Mr. Weiland:
Sir, we don't play favorites here at Immigration. Because those "damned Canadians", as you call them, don't blow stuff up.

Maya Gallo:
There must be something you can do.

Mr. Weiland:
Of course, I have that kind of power. That's why I'm in this office. No air, no view, but I control the borders!

Elliot DiMauro:
No offense, Maya, but women are nurturers, not jokers.

Dennis Finch:
Yeah. Helen Reddy's famous song wasn't "I Am Funny."

Mr. Weiland:
I think that with an eye lift we can make you look sixty-five again.

Jack Gallo:
I'm sixty-one.

Mr. Weiland:
I cannot apologize enough.

Nina Van Horn:
You may think this is sappy and old-fashioned, but you know where I met your dad? At an orgy.

Jack Gallo:
Well, Dennis, that was the last time I went to the bathroom as the boss.

Dennis Finch:
Ooh, I'll call the Smithsonian.

Jack Gallo:
Sarcasm I won't miss so much.

Kevin Liotta:
You want to hear a funny story? I once ran into your dad at the park.

Maya Gallo:
You did? What happened?

Kevin Liotta:
I told you, I ran into him at the park. Wow, with her in charge, this place is gonna go down the tubes.

Maya Gallo:
Why is this girl in her underwear?

Dennis Finch:
Oh, we hired her. She's going to jump out of a giant cake.

Maya Gallo:
I don't see a giant cake.

Dennis Finch:
It's at my apartment.

Jack Gallo:
If I wanted a surprise party, I would have told Dennis to throw me one.

Maya Gallo:
This is so out of the blue. What do you think brought this on?

Nina Van Horn:
Wait, I have it. Jack is having sexual problems. Men always freak out and quit their jobs whenever their Peter stops piping.

Elliot DiMauro:
They do not! I mean, I assume they don't. I mean, how would I know?

Maya Gallo:
Finch, if you're trying to suck up to me because I'm the editor now, it's not quite working.

Dennis Finch:
course it's not. It took years to learn to suck up to Jack. Sure, I'll prance around in your underpants to stretch them out, but it won't be the same.

Maya Gallo:
First of all, I would never, ever ask you to do that.

Dennis Finch:
That was the thing about Jack. You didn't have to ask.

Nina Van Horn:
When I needed a job, you were there. When I needed a friend, you were there. When I needed a kidney, you were there.

Dennis Finch:
Excuse me, I believe that was my kidney?

Nina Van Horn:
But Jack made you give it, and that's what was so sweet.

Maya Gallo:
Seven years ago, you asked me to help you become a better father to Hannah, but in typical Jack Gallo fashion, you pulled a fast one... when I wasn't looking, you became a real father to me.

Dennis Finch:
Jack, what can I say? You the man, so I decided to lay down some mad rhymes.

Maya Gallo:
Aw, you wrote him a poem. That's so sweet.

Dennis Finch:
It's not a poem, it's a hard-core, def-jam gangsta rap. I haven't had time to lay down the beats, so you'll have imagine the chains and the bling-bling and the Escalade. Here goes: There's a guy named Jack Gallo / Is he shallow? No / He just gots to go / Now he's flying solo... again, you have to imagine the boom-boom and the b*tches and the rest. All the while / he made me smile like Gomer Pyle / I look up to him like Fay Wray looked up to King Kong / Like the Chinese to ping-pong / Slap it on da bing-bong.

Jack Gallo:
Thank you, Dennis. I'm sure that meant a lot.

Maya Gallo:
That was awkward.

Kevin Liotta:
Here I come.

Dennis Finch:
Oh, no.

Kevin Liotta:
[comes skipping in a sailor suit and holding a prop lollipop] On the Good Ship Lollipop / It's a quick trip to a candy shop... Wait, where's Mr. Gallo? Finch, if this is a practical joke, I will literally rip your head off!

Nina Van Horn:
But what about the party?

Jack Gallo:
There isn't going to be a party.

Nina Van Horn:
Tell that to the brownie I ate five minutes ago.

Vicki Costa:
I don't need twelve ways to fake an orgasm. You got one good one, you're covered.

Jack Gallo:
Where's the Sweet and Low?

Dennis Finch:
[points at crotch] Right here, chief. Just ask the ladies.

Elliot DiMauro:
I think he meant the other tiny pink package.

Dennis Finch:
Any physical signs?

Elliot DiMauro:
She has put on a little weight.

Dennis Finch:
Aha! A little junk in the trunk, it's a Finch slam dunk.

[offers a high five; Elliot refuses]

Dennis Finch:
No? Too fat for tennis, is time for the Dennis.

Elliot DiMauro:
I gotta go.

Dennis Finch:
A little blubber, and Dennis buys a rubber. That's three in a row.

Jack Gallo:
When we get to the meeting, you tell them everything you told me, except that thing you called my mother. It may be true, but it's irrelevant.

Jack Gallo:
All right, what have you got?

Maya Gallo:
I have some great new, innovative ideas.

Nina Van Horn:
And some cleverly repackaged old ones.

Dennis Finch:
You're lucky I don't hit women.

Vicki Costa:
So are you.

Dennis Finch:
I'm petrified and aroused. It's like a Cher concert.

Maya Gallo:
You can have the Equal.

Jack Gallo:
Maya, I can have the Equal, I can have honey and molasses, I can go to Brazil, get a machete and hack me a stalk of pure cane, but all I want is the Sweet and Low! But apparently, what I want is irrelevant! [goes into his office]

Elliot DiMauro:
What's with him?

Nina Van Horn:
Read between the lines! The man really likes his Sweet and Low!

Jack Gallo:
The New York Post thinks we're irrelevant. Let me read to you just how irrelevent we are [puts on glasses and reads] Very.

Nina Van Horn:
When a man is like that, there's only one thing it could be: his penis.

Elliot DiMauro:
I'm gonna have to go with Nina on this one.

Maya Gallo:
It's not that. He's worried about circulation.

Nina Van Horn:
In his penis.

Maya Gallo:
He thinks the magazine is in trouble. For thirty years he's been able to solve the problem, but now he doesn't fell like he can reach down and pull it out anymore.

Nina Van Horn:
Don't make me say it.

Dennis Finch:
All women reach a point when the only thing lower than their self esteem is their standards. And that, my friend, is Finchy time.

Maya Gallo:
She's driving everyone crazy!

Jack Gallo:
Good! Creative people do their best work when their angry. Mozart used to throw pastry at his cat.

Maya Gallo:
No, he didn't.

Jack Gallo:
Maybe it was Billy Joel.

Kelly:
You're having a costume party?

Nina Van Horn:
Not just a costume party, the Halloween party of the year. Only A-list guests, plus some people from Blush because Maya couldn't keep her big, fat mouth shut.

Jack Gallo:
Have you no shame, coming in as Gandhi and stuffing yourself with buffalo wings? Why didn't you come as FDR and go around with crazy legs?

Dennis Finch:
Robin Hood is here to rob from the rich and give to the b*tch.

Maya Gallo:
Hey, is that one of Simon's music awards?

Nina Van Horn:
Yeah. You see that pirate chick over there? I'm going to bludgeon her to death with Best Album of 1983.

Maya Gallo:
That's crazy!

Nina Van Horn:
I know, Synchronicity should have won hands down.

Simon Leeds:
I can't remember the last time I had this much fun.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, that's sweet.

Simon Leeds:
No, seriously. I can't remember.

Simon Leeds:
Penny and I are ancient history, like the Sphinx or the Pet Shop Boys.

Nina Van Horn:
Excuse me, everyone. How many people in here have slept with Simon Leeds?

[all the women raise their hands]

Nina Van Horn:
See?

Simon Leeds:
Big deal. How many people here have slept with Nina Van Horn?

[everyone raises their hands]

Nina Van Horn:
For the record, I only went to second base with the unicorn.

Maya Gallo:
What is your problem?

Elliot DiMauro:
Nothing.

Maya Gallo:
You are always fighting her over the smallest little thing.

Elliot DiMauro:
Little? Yesterday, she takes a banana, she peels a little and takes a bite, peels a little, takes a bite... Peel it all the way down, we're trying to run a business here!

Jack Gallo:
Nice leotard.

Dennis Finch:
It's a medieval hunting outfit. Nice muu-muu.

Jack Gallo:
It's a magical shroud of mischief.

Dennis Finch:
Rented?

Jack Gallo:
Bought.

Dennis Finch:
Rich bastard.

Jack Gallo:
What?

Dennis Finch:
Nothing.

Jack Gallo:
This is better than that time he tried to do a push-up.

Nina Van Horn:
Or that time you caught him sleeping with your wife.

Jack Gallo:
That was not funny.

Maya Gallo:
This is just like high school. You're like that boy who teases the girl he likes. Maybe she's smart, a little awkward. Her body's not quite developed yet, and then one summer, Blam!, and now what am I going to do with these?

Elliot DiMauro:
What?

Maya Gallo:
Nothing.

Maya Gallo:
[to Vicki] Hey, Betty Boop.

Vicki Costa:
Hey. And you are?

Maya Gallo:
Fran Leibowitz? Hello, the author? Famed humorist?... I'm Kramer.

Vicki Costa:
Kramer! Now that's funny!

Elliot DiMauro:
Hey, Nina. Looking forward to that party tomorrow.

Nina Van Horn:
[to Maya] Is there anyone you haven't told?

Jack Gallo:
Nina, I want you to be completely honest with me.

Nina Van Horn:
All right. Your magic tricks are annoying and I ran over an old lady with your car.

Dennis Finch:
I'm Peter Pan! Look at me, I'm flying! I'm Sandy Duncan, I'm eating Wheat Thins, I have no depth perception!

Maya Gallo:
I had no idea Dagget was doing so badly.

Jack Gallo:
He's no worse than the others. But what is the point of giving an employee an evaluation if it doesn't motivate him?

Maya Gallo:
Motivate him to do what, wet himself?

Kevin Liotta:
You smell like a rainbow.

Maya Gallo:
Oh, I get it. You found out I'm doing the employee evaluations.

Nina Van Horn:
What was that, sexy?

Maya Gallo:
Sorry, Nina, but flattery won't win you a good review.

Nina Van Horn:
Well, then what will?

Maya Gallo:
Doing a good job.

Nina Van Horn:
It's a little late for that, isn't it?

Elliot DiMauro:
Don't you think you're taking this honesty thing just a little too far?

Dennis Finch:
Au contraire, mon frere without hair.

Dennis Finch:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Adrienne Barker:
Ooh, we should split a grapefruit?

Jack Gallo:
Dagget, go wait ouside, and none of your insolent eye contact.

Maya Gallo:
I can't evaluate the staff. They're my peers. I'm one of them.

Jack Gallo:
Of course you are, my little heir to the throne.

Dennis Finch:
Yo, Kevin. How's life on the mail room?

Kevin Liotta:
I'm still *sorting* that out.

[laughs]

Dennis Finch:
Yeah. Nice *delivery*.

Kevin Liotta:
Huh?

Amy:
Gentlemen, we are now privy to all thinks Lucas. Ooh, check it out! Character descriptions from the next movie.

Dennis Finch:
"Baki-kwa. A shark with legs and a Mexican accent." How does he do it?

Adrienne Barker:
Your friends are perverts.

Dennis Finch:
What do you mean?

Adrienne Barker:
All my underwear is gone.

Dennis Finch:
If you keep your panties in an unlocked drawer, you're dancing with the devil.

Dennis Finch:
I'm dating one of the most beautiful women in the world, and I have feelings for another woman.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, I don't want to be involved.

Dennis Finch:
She's right outside.

Jack Gallo:
I'll pretend I'm getting a doughnut.

Dennis Finch:
That's it, I'll do something romantic.

Jack Gallo:
There you go.

Dennis Finch:
Maybe a poem.

Jack Gallo:
Nothing in writing! Well, at least avoid the phrase, "I owe you everything."

Nina Van Horn:
Look what walked up to me at Saks and said, "Fill me up with Maya!"

Kevin Liotta:
Hey, Finch. The guys took a vote, and we all agree that your wife is the one we most like to see wrestle Xena in the slave pit.

Dennis Finch:
Okay, let's go mingle, and tone down the drool.

Adrienne Barker:
Hello? I'm on the phone.

Dennis Finch:
Hello? Hello? Will you stop saying that? It wasn't clever ten years ago, what makes you think you have a fresh spin on it?

Adrienne Barker:
Dennis, what's the matter with you?

Dennis Finch:
Me? You're the one yakking on the phone in the middle of a romantic dinner!

Adrienne Barker:
At least I don't drone on and on about some stupid sci-fi movie!

Dennis Finch:
Any one of which you would kill to be in!

Adrienne Barker:
Yeah, but not watch a thousand times with a bowl of Lucky Charms on my lap!

Dennis Finch:
That's a cheap shot! I'm hypoglycemic!

Adrienne Barker:
You're hypo-everything!

Dennis Finch:
Then maybe I shouldn't be your husband!

Kevin Liotta:
Tanya. When my parents sent me to Dungeons and Dragons camp, I had your poster with the waterfall hanging over my bed.

Tanya:
There must be some mistake. That poster only came out last year.

Kevin Liotta:
That's the one.

Dennis Finch:
Aren't you coming to bed?

Adrienne Barker:
Hello? I have to take out my contacts, silly.

Dennis Finch:
[low, mocking voice] Hello? Your hellos are getting annoying!

Adrienne Barker:
Hello? I can't understand you when you mumble?

[after Maya says Elliot shoots too many sunsets]

Elliot DiMauro:
Oh, by the way, why don't you come to my shoot in Miami? You can block the sun with your big giant head.

Maya Gallo:
Where did that come from?

Elliot DiMauro:
I'll warn the locals to expect an eclipse.

Jack Gallo:
You two are still here?

Dennis Finch:
Um... there was supposed to be a meteor shower.

Jack Gallo:
I don't see anything.

Nina Van Horn:
It may have been rescheduled.

Nina Van Horn:
How could you not be turned on? I mean, come on...

[poses]

Dennis Finch:
It's nice, but it's not for me.

Nina Van Horn:
That's insane, I'm for everybody!

Nina Van Horn:
You smug little hamster of a man! You think you're holding all the cards? Well, you're not holding any cards. And if you are, they're low cards, like twos and sevens.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, call the tennis club and tell them to rehire that locker room attendant. I found my wallet in the car.

Nina Van Horn:
Tell Jack that I'm taking a long, long lunch which may lead into an early weekend.

Elliot DiMauro:
I have to be out of the club by eleven. I have that photo shoot at the Intrepid.

Jack Gallo:
Oh, right. Remember, be respectful. That ship is a monument to the brave men who fought and died for this country.

Elliot DiMauro:
But you still want the models to straddle the big guns, right?

Jack Gallo:
Oh, yeah.

Nina Van Horn:
You come back here, Dennis Q. Finch! Nobody walks away from Nina Van... Nina Van... Nina Van Nobody! Rejected by a reject. Oh, God, I've hit rock bottom!

Dennis Finch:
Then my job is done.

Nina Van Horn:
Pardon?

Dennis Finch:
I got you. I finally got you! It took me nine years, but I got you! Uh! Uh! Take it, sweetie!

Nina Van Horn:
What are you talking about?

Dennis Finch:
I'm talking about revenge. I'm talking the sweet juicy nectar...

[mimes biting fruit]

Dennis Finch:
... of revenge

Elliot DiMauro:
[reading card Maya got for Jack] "I'm glad we got over our little misunderstanding." Wow, they really got one for every occasion, don't they?

Maya Gallo:
You have no idea. I saw one that said "So you had your second heart attack..."

Maya Gallo:
You know, I'm usually not a big fan of flan, but this flan is flavorful.

Nina Van Horn:
Don't you patronize me! I've had more dates than you've had trips to the little boy's department at Sears!

Dennis Finch:
[cleaning a keyboard] Oh, semicolon. You're one tough bastard, but I gotcha!

Dennis Finch:
Intellectual and stimulating? Hmmm... I could read Shakespeare while you spank me.

[Maya has thrown a murder-mystery dinner, and Finch is hitting on a woman dressed as a French maid]

Megan:
I'm Jeanette, the indentured French chambermaid.

[she curtsies, and Finch looks down her cleavage]

Dennis Finch:
I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

Megan:
I'm Jeanette, the indentured French chambermaid.

[she curtsies again, and Finch looks down her cleavage again]

Dennis Finch:
I'm sorry, one more time...

Larry:
Oh, Jeanette!

Megan:
Excuse me, my lord.

Butler:
[coming up to Finch with a platter] Banger?

Dennis Finch:
That's the plan.

Maya Gallo:
Here, Nina. It's your character for my murder mystery party.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, thank God. I thought it was a subpoena.

Jack Gallo:
I'll let you know that once I stared directly into the steely eyes of a white tiger.

Elliot DiMauro:
Yeah, in Vegas, in Siegfried and Roy.

Jack Gallo:
Hey, working with those two guys, those cats can get pretty bitchy.

Larry:
Okay, where's the safari hunter?

Jack Gallo, Elliot DiMauro:
I am.

Larry:
We can't have two safari hunters.

Elliot DiMauro:
Fine. You're the safari hunter. I'll be the guy at the Armani party.

Maya Gallo:
You'll see, this is much better than some industry party. This is a night of violence, betrayal and sexual intrigue.

Nina Van Horn:
Have you ever been to an Armani party?

Megan:
This is so demeaning. I never should have quit stripping.

Dennis Finch:
Hey, wait a minute, you're Misty Peaks!

Megan:
Oh, God! You're that guy who always wants change for a dollar!

Larry:
What do you mean I'm difficult to work with? Who said that? Well, obviously the first beating didn't get through to him.

Megan:
You bastard!

Dennis Finch:
I never claimed to be otherwise.

[Megan and Finch are out on Maya's balcony]

Dennis Finch:
I'm about to make your fantasy come true.

Megan:
Great. Just try not to land on my car.

Maya Gallo:
You're the bastard son of the wealthy land baron.

Dennis Finch:
And you're the bitchy daughter of a wealthy publisher.

Maya Gallo:
No, it's your character for my murder party tonight. By the way, it's 1883, not 1853, so adjust your costumes, but I know it's last minute, so I won't get all anal about it. So, are you all syked?

Dennis Finch:
I'd be syked if you say "anal" again.

Nina Van Horn:
Maya, as my mother always said, stay away from my men.

Maya Gallo:
Anyway, you're here, and your costume is so authentic.

Glenn:
Thanks. Only my buttons are not real whale bone. Keep it on the QT?

Larry:
Look, acting on a soap is not selling out, so get that holier-than-thou look off your face. I'm only doing this for the health insurance. I'm getting surgery on my deviated septum. I lived hard in the eighties. It's a real mess in there.

Maya Gallo:
This is not part of the dinner!

Jack Gallo:
No. Tonight, murder was the appetizer. That's not on the cards, I just made that up.

Dennis Finch:
You can't fake our kind of chemistry. We're like two magnets with privates.

Nina Van Horn:
Well, well, well. Look what the incredibly late cat dragged in.

Maya Gallo:
I slept over at Elliot's place again and had to run back home to change.

Nina Van Horn:
Dear, may I suggest going back during lunch and giving it one more try?

Maya Gallo:
You gave me this.

Nina Van Horn:
I was incredibly mad at you that Christmas.

Nina Van Horn:
You know, you're gonna catch a lot of flack for this little hint of nudity on the cover.

Jack Gallo:
Hey, I got where I am by being bold, and I apologize to no one.

Nina Van Horn:
Have you told Maya yet?

Jack Gallo:
She'll see it on the newsstand, I'll tell her it was a mistake.

Jack Gallo:
The only reason I talked to you twenty years ago was because you were next to the pretzels.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, yeah? Well, the only reason I hung out with you was because I thought you were Elliot Gould.

Dennis Finch:
So, did she mention a guy named Dennis Finch?

Gwen:
Yeah. She said that he's a conniving little perv.

Dennis Finch:
That guy makes me so mad!

Dennis Finch:
Is Maya's apartment rent controlled?

Nina Van Horn:
I think so.

Dennis Finch:
[pushes fingertips together] Interesting.

Nina Van Horn:
Are you planning something devious?

Dennis Finch:
Of course. Why else would I be doing this?

Elliot DiMauro:
You weren't that shy when you were licking the back of my neck on the subway.

Maya Gallo:
I didn't lick your neck on the subway.

Elliot DiMauro:
When I come out of the shower, you're singing me a song.

Elliot DiMauro:
I thought this place didn't even exist.

Maya Gallo:
Oh, yeah? It doesn't exist? If it doesn't exist, then where am I dancing? Where am I dancing!

Elliot DiMauro:
Is that how you dance?

Dennis Finch:
Oh, my God, I did it. I am the savior of the House of Finch! I am the Savior of the House of Finch! I am the King of the Finchiest House of Finch that ever there was!

Gwen:
You're Dennis Finch?

Dennis Finch:
Uh... I love you?

Gwen:
Really?

Dennis Finch:
Come 'ere, baby!

Maya Gallo:
Sorry I'm late. Did I miss the meeting?

Dennis Finch:
Yes, but don't worry, I covered for you. I was all, "No! I disagree! Dad!"

Margo Langhorne:
So how did you fare in the blackout?

Nina Van Horn:
What blackout?

Margo Langhorne:
Didn't you get dressed in the dark this morning?

Nina Van Horn:
By the way, loved your piece on fashion disasters. I see you got to keep the clothes.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis!

Dennis Finch:
Okay, you're in a meadow high in the Alps. A young Shirley Jones asks you to make her a woman.

Jack Gallo:
Is she wearing a bonnet?

Dennis Finch:
Yes, and leading a cow.

Jack Gallo:
Will you stop with those cows?

Jack Gallo:
We better call Margo's boss to straighten things out. What excuse haven't we used yet?

Dennis Finch:
Uh, let's see. The only ones left are, "She's going through menopause," and "She's a sociopath."

Nina Van Horn:
Sociopath.

Maya Gallo:
Hey, new shoes?

Elliot DiMauro:
Yep. Gloria, the girl I'm dating, made them. She's studying to be a designer. She's amazing.

Maya Gallo:
They're... nice.

Elliot DiMauro:
Nice? These are a work of art. The structure, the design, these shoes are going to take the world by storm.

Maya Gallo:
How can you tell the left from the right?

Elliot DiMauro:
I have no idea.

Elliot DiMauro:
This looks like the dawn of a new era.

Nina Van Horn:
Yes, it's the age of Nina Van Horn!

Dennis Finch:
I know this one. 62?

Nina Van Horn:
The grown-ups are talking, dear.

Elliot DiMauro:
Now don't you start. If I wanted to see two queens snipe at each other, I'd have stayed in the men's room.

Dennis Finch:
I'm taking lunch orders from the Carnegie deli. Want anything?

Jack Gallo:
Roast beef on rye.

Dennis Finch:
Gotcha. One Donald Trump.

Jack Gallo:
What do you mean Donald Trump?

Dennis Finch:
He's got a sandwich named after him.

Jack Gallo:
I've been going to that deli longer than he has. When are they going to name something after me? What am I, chopped liver?

Dennis Finch:
No, that's the Morey Amsterdam.

Dennis Finch:
Lunch order! Nina?

Nina Van Horn:
No, thanks. I ate last week.

Maya Gallo:
It's so nice outside, I'm eating out in the park today. I just started reading the most wonderful book called "Jonathan's Attic."

Dennis Finch:
Is that the sequel to "Jonathan Finds a Door in His Ceiling"?

Elliot DiMauro:
Let's get you to wardrobe and get weighed. That always cheers you up.

Nina Van Horn:
No, I'm not in the mood.

Maya Gallo:
How's Nina taking it? Imagine the humiliation.

Nina Van Horn:
Hey, everyone! Guess who's famous? They said I behaved like a teenager. Can you believe it? Teenager!

Jack Gallo:
Margo steps down, you rise up, it's called a power vacuum. When the dominant faction grows old and weak, a new one rises up to take its place. Which is why we humans have to keep an eye on those stinking monkeys.

Maya Gallo:
I don't get it. Why do they hate each other?

Elliot DiMauro:
Well, Nina is jealous that Margo gets taken more seriously, and Margo is jealous that Nina gets taken more often.

Nina Van Horn:
I remember one time Margo stole my ideas on cardigans, so I went and stole her boyfriend. Then she had me audited, and I had her framed for arson.

Nina Van Horn:
So this is what Margo Langhorne left the world of fashion for. It's all so... peaceful.

Margo Langhorne:
It suits my needs.

Nina Van Horn:
The trees, the magnificent field, that quaint scarecrow that bares a striking resemblance to me.

Margo Langhorne:
I wanted to put it down, but the neighborhood kids like to throw rocks at it.

Dennis Finch:
I bring good news from the Carnegie Deli.

Jack Gallo:
You got them to name a sandwich after me?

Dennis Finch:
I give you the Jack Gallo, hold the Maya.

Jack Gallo:
This is great! I finally have something... [Picks up sandwich] What is this, a joke?

Dennis Finch:
No, check it out. It's a pita stuffed with watercress, wheat germ and avocado. Used to be called the Liberace.

Elliot DiMauro:
Isn't it time you stopped this competition with Margo?

Nina Van Horn:
What competition? Margo's doing the best job she can, and I'm doing the best job I can.

Jack Gallo:
Margo Langhorne just retired.

Nina Van Horn:
Oh, my God! I won! I won!

Nina Van Horn:
The world is my walk-in closet, Fifth Avenue my hamper.

Narrator:
In a borough just north of the island of Staten / Neath the towers that tower over the isle of Manhattan / Streets were aglitter like a sequined drag queen / And Christmas joy was aflush at Blush magazine / The workers wrapped presents with a nip and a tuck / Everyone was happy...

Maya Gallo:
God, people suck!

Narrator:
He expressed his displeasure with color and flair / Using words that our censors would not let us share.

Nina Van Horn:
Everyone is so quick to blame the absentee father, but let me tell you something: it's casual wear that's ruining this society.

Elliot DiMauro:
Christmas is so depressing. It's gotten too comercial, it's lost all its spiritual meaning.

Dennis Finch:
No it hasn't. That is such a clich?.

Jack Gallo:
Check this out! Lollipops in the shape of Jesus.

Jack Gallo:
How about you, Nina? You like bouncing young men on your lap.

Nina Van Horn:
No, I couldn't.

Jack Gallo:
Are you sure?

Nina Van Horn:
I'm quite certain. The judge was most explicit on that point.

Narrator:
We now return to the office of Blush / Where Finch has just accused Nina of being a lush.

Maya Gallo:
I happen to think some people look good in casual.

Nina Van Horn:
Like who?

Maya Gallo:
Well, like me.

Nina Van Horn:
Good God, that's a fashion statement? I thought you were just allergic to everything else.

Nina Van Horn:
Maya, Maya. Poor, naive woman-child Maya.

Narrator:
And then a thought popped into his head / A thought full of evil and malice and dread.

Dennis Finch:
I'll teach them a lesson. Oh, yes.

Narrator:
...the evil Finch ranted / This is one Finch who would not be taken for granted / He asked for a yard, and they gave him an inch / So this year, Christmas would be stolen by a Finch.

Narrator:
For Nina, a gift she would surely despise /Some cheap wrinkle cream, industrial size / Now it was Elliot's turn to get his digs / For the bald man, a set of flowing blond wigs / For Maya and Jack, gifts equally vicious / The Finch's revenge would be awfully delicious.

Maya Gallo:
[Nina comes wearing casual wear] Nina, look at you!

Nina Van Horn:
You'll never guess who I met last night. J. Crew!

Maya Gallo:
Huh?

Nina Van Horn:
Yes, Maya, there is a J. Crew. And he helped me rediscover the true spirit of casual wear. I walked to work, and I was warm and comfortable in a way I haven't felt since I was a little girl.

Maya Gallo:
But...

Nina Van Horn:
I know you don't believe me, but J. Crew lives inside each and every one of us.

Maya Gallo:
Nina, I called the company, and you were right. There is no J. Crew. There never was. He doesn't exist.

Nina Van Horn:
Then who the hell did I sleep with last night?

Narrator:
Now, I don't know for sure, but so I am told / The Finch's black heart turned completely to gold.

Dennis Finch:
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Narrator:
For once Finch felt like more than a peasant / Then he noticed that Elliot had opened his present.

Elliot DiMauro:
"To Elliot from Finch: Take that, you bald-headed loser!" What the hell?

Narrator:
But the Finch is clever, he always survives.

Dennis Finch:
[Pulls on fire alarm] Fire! Fire! Run for your lives!

Narrator:
And those jingle bells rang from New York to New Jersey / Merry Christmas to all, and happy Hannukah to Persky.

Persky:
Thank you, sir?

Dennis Finch:
I'll do it, because a gift is its own reward. Although since it's Christmas, a better reward would be a new set of wheels. Prefably a moped, with a sidecar for the honeys.

Jack Gallo:
Dennis, you're not getting a moped.

Dennis Finch:
Moped, motorscooter, whatever.

Jack Gallo:
Guess what I have in here?

Dennis Finch:
A human head?

Jack Gallo:
Better. Hannah's new puppy. Isn't he adorable? I'd love to cuddle you and hold youand hug you forever... Okay, gotta run.

Bartender:
What'll you have?

Nina Van Horn:
Something Christmassy, say... double scotch on the rocks.

Bartender:
Why is that Christmassy?

Nina Van Horn:
What are you, a priest? Just pour.

Nina Van Horn:
You're joking, right?

Elliot DiMauro:
What do you mean?

Nina Van Horn:
That's not a Christmas tree. It's all scrawny and anemic and it looks like it hasn't seen daylight in months.

Elliot DiMauro:
So do you!

Nina Van Horn:
We live in a world gone mad! I swear I'd sleep with the next man I see wearing a hat. [Elliot enters wearing a beret]

Dennis Finch:
Run, dude!

Narrator:
Finch opened his present with great anticipation / Everyone had pitched in, so he had hight expectations / He opened the bag, it made his blood curdle / His gift was a calendar shaped like a turtle.

Dennis Finch:
"Turtles of the World"?

Narrator:
He said with great rage / Turtles and turtles on every page.

Maya:
It's always the same. My face gets all scrunched up, my eyes are half closed, and I end up looking like...

Dennis:
Popeye?

Elliot:
A smurf?

Nina:
Eleanor Roosevelt sneezing?

Jack:
What the hell is a smurf?

Dennis:
It's that little blue man on your wife's lunchbox.

Maya:
Why do we even need photo IDs?

Dennis:
Because otherwise, any lunatic could walk in off the street and do Nina's job.

Jack:
What are we talking about?

Maya:
Nothing!

Nina:
Sex dreams.

Jack:
Sounds like fun. Who had a sex dream? I want details.

Dennis:
Maya did, about Elliot.

Jack:
You people are sick!

Dennis:
So, a sex dream. How was I?

Maya:
Absent.

Elliot:
You want me to do a photo ID. That's like asking Picasso to paint your bathroom.

Jack:
No, it's like *telling* Picasso to paint your bathroom.

Elliot:
When I was on a photo shoot in Australia, this Aborigine tribesman refused to have his picture taken because he thought I was going to steal his soul.

Maya:
Don't tell me. You got him to relax and took a great picture.

Elliot:
No. He bit me and stole my jeep.

Maya:
And your point is?

Elliot:
Don't bite me.

Maya:
So, this is your studio?

Elliot:
Yep.

Maya:
Shouldn't there be a sign for the models that says, "you must be this dumb to enter"?

Maya:
[about a flimsy nighty] What is this?

Elliot:
It was for your story on health care.

Maya:
What does that have to do with health care?

Elliot:
She was also wearing a nurse's hat.

Jack:
Come on, people! We need new stories. Any ideas?

Nina:
I got it. How about a ten page layout on the comeback of fur?

Jack:
What comeback of fur?

Elliot:
The one she's been trying to launch ever since she bought those snow leopard skin hot pants.

Maya:
This picture sends the wrong message.

Elliot:
What message are you trying to send?

Maya:
"My name is Maya Gallo, and I'm a professional."

Elliot:
And this says?

Maya:
"My name is Maya Gallo, my naughty girlfriends and I are waiting for your calls."

Jack:
[to Hannah, over the phone] Hi, Hannah. Daddy's going to sing a song about... his desk.

[playing his banjo and singing]

Jack:
Markers and pencils and pens / And keys to my Mercedes Benz / A cup and an empty green bottle...

Nina:
[coming in] Damnit, Jack!

Jack:
Oh, look, it's a grumpy ex-model.

Maya:
I have never taken a good picture in my life.

Jack:
You're exaggerating. You've taken lots of good pictures. What about that one of you surfing?

Maya:
That was a caricature.

Jack:
I thought your head looked big.

Nina:
[looking at Maya's ID photo] This picture captures the real you.

Dennis:
Someone should, for science.

Maya:
It's too sexy!

Elliot:
I'm not following you.

Maya:
This picture you took of me is too sexy!

Elliot:
I understand the word "too" and the word "sexy", but put them together, it's just gibberish.

Jack:
So, what's in this thing?

Dennis:
It covers everything from employee behavior to fire safety, with just a dash of the Iraqi penal code.

Elliot:
No sexual relations between employees? This is an outrage!

Dennis:
Relax. Models aren't employees.

Elliot:
All hail the manual!

Kristanna:
Elliot, what are you thinking about?

Elliot:
Oh, nothing.

Kristanna:
Hey, me too.

Nina:
Wait a minute, you little weasel! "Hemlines shall be in direct proportion to the age of the wearer."

Dennis:
It's very simple: if you wore miniskirts in the '60s, spare us in the '90s.

Elliot:
Yeah, so cover up those bony broomsticks, will ya?

Maya:
Dad, what do you think of this picture?

Jack:
[whistles] She's a looker. Reminds me of a girl I used to run around with.

Maya:
Dad, it's me.

Jack:
I see. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go in my office and gouge my eyes out.

Nina Van Horn:
You remember that PR woman from Cosmo who tried to run over her boss with her car? She was turned into A-list party material overnight. Why? Because she had a hook.

Maya Gallo:
So my hook is I'm a sexual predator?

Nina Van Horn:
Hey, back off! That's my hook.

Jack Gallo:
You know, I used to date a model who posed for lingerie ads.

Elliot DiMauro:
And?

Jack Gallo:
That's it, no point, just boasting.

Maya Gallo:
This is ridiculous! I'm being accused of something I didn't do, and I'm supposed to just sit back and take it?

Jack Gallo:
Welcome to all three of my divorces.

[after viewing Staci's hemorrhoid commercial]

Staci:
So, what did you think?

Elliot DiMauro:
I'm... speechless.

Dennis Finch:
I'm not.

Elliot DiMauro:
Yes, you are.

Nina Van Horn:
Who is that guy with Maya?

Dennis Finch:
I don't recall. Perhaps a dead president might jog my memory.

Nina Van Horn:
Okay, here.

[give Dennis some money]

Dennis Finch:
His name is Steve McPherson. He's a writer and Maya's helping him with his articles.

Nina Van Horn:
Where did he come from?