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The Hag cackled, rolled her eyes, and looked unpleasant. Dania stared
at where her missiles had fizzed out. Navero hyperventilated. Kortul
lay there and bled. Things looked grim.
Navero, male human cleric, 4th level
Dania, female 1/2-elf MU, 4th level
Kortul, male human fighter, 4th level
Razuli, male human fighter, 4th level
Arlor, male dwarf thief, 4th level
Kory, male elf bard, 3rd level
Topash, male elf druid, 3rd level
Meth, male ? thief, 3rd level
(A few notes on Meth Crystal are in order, concerning what little I
know of his background. His species can best be described as
uncertain; he's about 1/4 Human, 1/4 Orc, 1/4 Elf, 1/4 Drow, with some
other interesting things mixed in, including Hobgoblin, Bullywug, and
Lesser Demon. He is the product of at least two generations of rape.
I also know that Meth Crystal is not his real name, but didn't pry.)
N Hag: "How very unkind of you to kill all of my playthings. Now I'll
have to take this one to satisfy my appetites. Pity he doesn't
have more evil tendencies to him; just meat."
Kory: "Yeesh, what an ugly bitch! She's ALMOST enough to make me
swear off sex forever. If it were not for the presence of..."
Dania: "Shut up. Uh, we'd really rather not loose Kortul, here, uh,
we have some travelling rations...?"
N Hag: "Dearest, you should know better than that what appetites I'm
talking about."
(*BLAM!!* Whole party is blasted by flames from the floor. We all
dive out of the corridor into the slimy room with the Hag.)
Meth: "Dearest magic-usurer, get a clue, will you?"
Navero: "By the Lords of The Correct and Unalterable Way, GO AWAY!!"
N Hag: "Ah, what a darling little priestling. Come here, sweetcheeks."
(Backhands Navero across the room into a wall.)
Kory: "Ho ha ha guard turn parry spin thrust!" (Sword glances off
Night Hag.)
Dania: "AAAHHHH!!!" (Blasts the Night Hag with Staff of Thunder and
Lighting. The bolt splits between Razuli and the Night Hag.)
Razuli: "OW!! JESUS-FUCKIN' CHRIST!!! Watch it, you stupid bitch!!"
Topash: "A word to the unwise, dearest mage: the destructive magics
you specialize in would not be to our advantage in such close
quarters. I suggest you restrain your more destructive impulses
for now."
Dania: "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. KILL IT!!"
Navero: (Slips in the slime and falls on Razuli.)
Meth: (Looks on in a bemused sort of way.)
Razuli: "Kid, go wake Kortul up." (Shoves Navero in the appropriate
direction. Hacks at the Night Hag, sword bounces off.)
Topash: "I am Topash Raycin of the Green Brotherhood! Your presence
here is a disruption of the world! You must leave!" (Slips in
the slime and falls on his rear.)
N Hag: "Oh, we wouldn't want your tiny lives to get dull, now, would
we? Your little antics are amusing, but duty calls and I should
be elsewhere, so I trust you can find your own way out."
(Disappears)
Kory: "Well! We scared her off! Did your robe fall open, Dania? Why
don't we go down and find a way to the cellars, and let our most
charming hostess do whatever she wants to up here. How's
Kortul?"
Kortul: (Groans)
Kory: "Oh, wonderful indeed. Now..."
Dania: "Shut up. What's beyond that door?"
Meth: "Beyond the green door..."
Navero: "Huh? It's not green."
Kory: "You're not thinking of staying up here, are you?"
Dania: "The lightning did hurt her. I know I can kill her if the rest
of you just keep her off of me."
Razuli: "Oh, Christ. Magic-user, the lighting didn't do nothin' to
HER. And if you wanna start waving that fuckin' stick around
again, you an' me are gonna have to have a little discussion
about it."
Navero: "We must send this thing back where it belongs. It isn't a
her at all, it's an IT. It doesn't belong, and we must send it
back."
Dania: "Right. Besides, think of all the magic shit it will have
stowed away somewhere."
Topash: "Ah, the power of greed. What a wonderful motive. It should
be quite obvious that the Hag is guarding the bloodstone. As
such, it will interfere with all of our efforts. We must either
leave now in failure, or find some way around, or through, it."
Kory: "Maybe. If we can avoid it, we should. Why don't we just go
down and look for a stairway into the cellar? It's really simple
to do, and we won't bleed NEARLY as much!"
Kortul: "Where's ugly bitch?"
Razuli: "Right here, like usual."
Topash: "We believe it is somewhere on the second floor."
Kortul: "Fine." (Walks through the door the Hag came in through.)
Kory: "I'm beginning to think the decision-making elements are getting
just a WEE bit localized here."
Razuli: "Ah, fuck it. C'mon." (Walks through door.)
(Navero and Dania also walk through door.)
Topash: "Shall we?"
Kory: "Why do I put up with all this? This place is so depressing,
and nobody around here knows how to have FUN. Demons and dragons
come and go, but you can't just WORRY about them all the time or
you'll never get anything out of life. Gods, this is fucked."
Topash: "That is a surprisingly short-sighted attitude. We are here
to keep a bad thing from getting worse. Fun will come later, if
at all. Now come along."
We crept down the hallway. The first door, on the south side of
the hall, opened into a small closet. There were several shelves with
some jars and bottles, a few brooms in a corner, and a bucket against
the back wall. A sweep for magic showed that a few jars and one
bottle contained magical substances; these were unlabeled except for
one which said, "Add water for full potency." Inside was an ugly
brownish-black powder whose smell stung the nose quite strongly. We
sealed the jar and Dania stuck it in her backpack, along with a bottle
of blue liquid, and a jar with a whitish ointment. Navero said the
ointment looked like Keoghtum's Ointment, a healing remedy.
The second doorway was on the north wall. Behind it was a
stairway leading up. At the top it opened out onto what was
presumably the roof. We went up and looked around. The roof was
weak, and had collapsed in a few places, and might not hold up under
fighting. The battlements were mostly intact, except on the breached
eastern wall.
N Hag: (*Poof!*) "I thought I tol"
Kortul: "HAAAHHH!!!" (Attacks with Sun Sword, chops small gash in it.)
Dania: "KortulGetThe<censored>AwaySoICanKillTheFuckingBitch!!" (Casts
Magic Missile, they fizzle out.)
Navero: (chants)
N Hag: "Dear, oh dear." (Smashes Kortul back downstairs.)
Meth: "I say, this isn't going at all well."
Kory: "Oh, what fun! Been nice knowing you all.
Oh, we will all go together when we go,
All consumed in a radioactive glow..."
Topash: (Scimitar bounces off Hag.) "What a heart-warming thought."
N Hag: "Oh, you found the broom closet. You really shouldn't mess
with my cleansing powders." (Gestures.)
Dania: "Urk!" (Her backpack suddenly becomes very heavy, as a load of
water appears within. Horrible brownish-black goo starts foaming
out, dissolving through the leather. Dania takes acid damage.)
Navero: "Yuck! Get away!" (Rips pack off, Cure Light on Dania's
back.)
Kortul: (Charges back upstairs)
Kory: "Hey! I feel lucky!" (Charges in with luck blade, wounds Hag.)
N Hag: "You are all beginning to annoy me very much!"
Meth: "So relax." (Tosses 3000 milligrams of LSD into her mouth. She
swallowed.)
Topash: "Ah, Acid?"
"Acid??"
Meth: "Acid??" "And what would you know about such things?"
"Acid??"
Topash: "I have heard of them, although my brethren prefer more
natural products. They are used to contact higher powers."
Meth: "I see! Well! I'll have to visit you all sometime!"
Navero: "How do you get your voice to come from three different
directions like that?"
Dania: "<censored>" (Hits Hag with Lightning. It does nothing.)
Kortul: (Chops Hag.)
N Hag: "YOU... YER... YOW.... YEEK!"
Topash: "Ah, very fast."
Meth: "I only use the best myself."
Dania: "Fine! Great! Now KILL IT!!"
Kory: (Rolling around laughing.)
Kortul: (BashSmashHackDestroyMaimKillStompIrritateIrkBotherVexAnnoy.
He realizes that he is not making much of an impression.)
Kory: "Mister Cryster, SIR! You and I are going to get along
FAMOUSLY! At last, someone with some appreciation for the
necessities of life! My hat is off to you! Now lets go gang
bang Dania."
Meth: "Ew, her? I dunno about that..."
Topash: "Children..."
Kory: "C'mon. She's female and she's here."
Meth: "You *could* say the same thing about the Night Hag, you know."
N Hag: (unintelligible screaming)
Dania: "WILL YOU IDIOTS BE SERIOUS!! Get over here now!!"
Meth: "Oh, *lighten* *up*. She'll be flying for days."
Kortul: (Drags the Hag to the battlements and heaves it over, head
down. Screaming, the Hag drops off into the night and lands with
a thud. After, all is silent.)
Dania: "Good! Very good! Is it dead NOW?!"
Kortul: "Why not you go and look?"
Dania: (snarl) "It damn well better be, or I'm gonna..."
Meth: "Or you're gonna WHAT? I didn't see you getting any bright
ideas. You just ran around screaming at everyone, which, I must
say, is highly inconsiderate of you."
Kory: "Indeed. Dania, you take life so SERIOUSLY. That's really bad
for you. When you live as long as we do, you just can't AFFORD
to take life that seriously, or it just gets too boring to live.
You were raised among humans, weren't you?"
Dania: "Leave my fucking parents out of this and listen, you stupid
pointy-eared flit: If you weren't an elf I'd fry you. I WOULD."
Razuli: "What about me, yer wizzerdship?"
Dania: "*SHUT* *UP*!! All of you!! Now, get the <censored>
downstairs, find the <censored> bloodstone, and get <censored>
out of here!!!" (Tromps downstairs in a furious huff.)
(Rest of party pauses.)
Navero: "Why does Dania always get so angry all the time? I thought
some of the jokes you make sometimes are kind of funny."
Razuli: "Oh, forget it. She can't take a joke."
Kortul: (Goes downstairs.)
Navero: "I do wish that you wouldn't say so many mean things about
her. She's a nice person. At least, she's nice to me."
Kory: "Yeah, yeah, Nav. She's just... she doesn't know how to deal
with anything. Too uptight."
Topash: "She does seem almost driven at times. But I do think it
would be a good idea if you two... no, you THREE were to stop
goading her. Everything would go much better for all concerned."
Meth: "Well, I have no problem staying as far away from that little
witch as possible. She just does not seem like my type at all."
Kory: "I like to think of it as a challenge. Surely there must be a
fun-loving person somewhere in there. But for now, lets lay off
and let her cool down."
(Downstairs...)
Dania: "Where the hell are they?!?"
Kortul: "Talking. Down soon."
Dania: "And you came down to protect me? How fucking sweet; I didn't
know you cared. Look, I don't need YOU to protect me. I can
take any one of you out, anytime. Any TWO of you."
Kortul: "No one goes anywhere alone. And CALM DOWN, elf. Tease
because you make it easy."
Dania: "Oh, God, I know. I hate losing my temper. I wish it didn't
happen, but they are so fucking IRRITATING!"
Kortul: "Never bigger than what gets you mad. Don't listen to them."
Dania: (grumbles) "Why the fuck did I have to get into this bunch?"
Kortul: "Often wonder. Live with it or leave."
Dania: "Hmph."
Kory: (Comes downstairs) "Ok, we're here! Any treasure?"
Dania: "Fuck you."
Kory: "That, dear... Shall we go on?"
Kortul: "Yes." (Stomps down hallway.)
Navero: "I went through your pack and got what I could. The magic
bottle and jar were safe, and some other things. And Razuli gave
me one of his tunics so you can cover the big hole on your, uh,
backside."
Dania: "What? AAAAAH!"
Daniel Parsons "Cheer up. It could have been much worse."