Wafers (A Dingbat the Monk Story) by Those Dudes "Yargh!" bellowed the hobgoblin clasping feebly at the seven inches of cold steel that protruded from its gut. Dark blood soaked the front of his pinstripe zoot suit covering his mail. The ranger wrenched his sword free from the hapless hobgoblin's back and assessed the body count. "That's the last of them." he announced. "That will teach them to ambush us when we're just fresh from a week of recuperation and rest!" "Now if we can just get Dingbat out of the tree we can continue on our way to make our nightly camp." said Sauramud. "I resent that!" called the monk. "It's lucky for all of you that I'm up here!" "Yes," agreed the ranger, "I suppose we have to appreciate even the small blessings. Though you might have served better down here absorbing a few shots." In short order they had formed a human pyramid which Dingbat gingerly clambered down. He protested all the way. "You didn't have to do this, really!" he declared. "I can fall thirty feet now without taking damage!" "Look, we're not going through that again! We're running short of baling wire for broken limbs." "You'd have lots if you didn't carry so much duct tape!" retorted the monk. "I don't need armor." "Your shortcomings are not our concern." said Rodent who was helping Playdough to wrap generous amounts of tape around his left vambrace. "Shortcomings! What do you mean? I don't have to lug around heavy, smelly, metal casings. I'm free! I can leap gracefully kicking opponents in the head as I pass by, leaving them in awe at my passage! I don't need armor to slow me down, to hinder me, to..." "To deflect some of those sword thrusts that we've had to waste a goodly percentage of our bandages on." "My good sir, let us not get petty!" scoffed Dingbat. "I was hoping to keep this conversation on a more cerebral level!" "Ah blow it out your ear!" said Playdough munching on a handful of holy wafers. "Playdough you fool!" said Rodent in alarm. "Those crackers are for the special holy rituals next week!" He slapped them out of the paladin's hands whereupon they spiraled into the mud. There was a rumble of distant thunder. "Duh, now ya done it!" said Playdough petulantly. "I think ya defiled 'em!" "No prob!" said Sauramud. He scooped up the muddy wafers. "I think we might be able to salvage something from this. Here, hand me that holy water." "I dunno Sauramud, I don't think you should be doing this! Do you think it's wise?" said Dingbat warily. The wizard was kneading the soggy mass and adding occasional splashes of holy water. "Aye and for sooth!" agreed Rodent eying the rapidly gathering thunder clouds. "Relax! I read an article on this just last week or something very like this anyway." "Duh, in what?" "Oh, you're not still getting that rag are you?" interjected Rodent. "That 'rag' as you call it is a very respected journal. The 'Wizard Weekly News' is carefully researched and almost every story it prints is relatively factual." "I particularly like the story about that Elvis clone lover marrying the two-headed ogre." said Dingbat remembering. "Oh, I suppose that's okay then. If this had been your own idea I would have been worried." said the ranger. The wizard finished forming the pulpy mass and carefully placed it on a tree stump. "Now," he said, cracking his knuckles, "All I have to do is dry it out a bit..." He muttered something unintelligible and arcane and seemed almost surprised when ten sputtering bluish flames erupted from his fingertips. He quickly recovered his composure and began to wave the flames over the mass. When he was done they had something resembling a holy biscuit more than anything else, for lack of a better (less flattering) description. "I dunno," puzzled Playdough as he picked up the, er, biscuit. "What're those black bits in it? They wasn't there before..." "Don't worry! It'll work - I think - trust me!" said Sauramud hesitantly. "Duh..." began the paladin. "Look, shut up!" snapped Rodent. "We've got to make up for some lost time if we want to reach the shrine next week!" "It should be okay." said the monk. He watched as the gathering thunderheads shrunk to a disappointed drizzle. The following week they arrived at the remote shrine... The shrine was designed in classic, early Vermouth, vulgar Baroque. Artificial palm trees lined the entryway and a natty cherub in an unnatural position spat water into a broad, shallow fountain sporting an impressive variety of pond weeds. From inside they heard the subdued sounds of preparation and ritual chanting with the muted sound of pine boards being applied to foreheads. The foursome loped up the stairs and charged through the brass plated doors into the inner sanctuary. Playdough announced their presence. "Duh, we're here!" he bellowed. Several dozen cowled acolytes turned in unison, put a finger to their respective lips and said, "Shhhh!" The party tiptoed across the auditorium to the shrine where the dour priest greeted them with a nod. "Did you bring the wafers from the main temple?" he whispered. "Of course." scoffed Dingbat. "I'm shocked - no - hurt that you should think us incapable of performing even so simple a chore! We're no four ordinary guys! We're..." "Who _is_ this man? Should he be here?" asked the priest motioning the temple bouncers forward. "He's a friend." said Playdough. "He's a monk." The priest recoiled. "Well, I suppose that can't be helped." he said. "It's too late to stop the ritual now. If it fails it will be on your head!" "No problem." said Sauramud cockily. "Give him the bisc... er, wafers." "Place it on the altar, Playdough." the priest intoned melodramatically as he stepped back, arms folded. "Okeydokey!" said the paladin. He pulled out the grimy biscuit and reached forth to place it on the altar. A look of surprise crossed his face. "Uh, hey! It's pushin' back!" "Ah, evil forces at work. Push harder!" said Sauramud worriedly. "Aw, c'mon guys!" whined Playdough, obviously straining with the task. "Okay, let's give him a hand." said Rodent. "On the count of three. One..." "Uh, just a sec..." interjected the priest. "...two..." "Guys, I don't think you should..." "THREE!" bellowed the Ranger. The foursome strained and the biscuit slid into place with an ominous 'Thwump' sound which echoed unnaturally throughout the shrine. "There! That wasn't so hard." piped up Dingbat, ignoring the worried looks exchanged by the acolytes. Suddenly the altar began to shiver. "Now that's odd..." said the acolyte next to it. He reached over to steady it. "Nooo!" cried the high priest, turning to run. Just then the altar exploded messily, shattering the acolyte into four thousand easy pieces. The biscuit was launched gracefully through mid air where it began to swell obscenely into a vaguely human shape. The biscuit-creature landed, grabbed an acolyte and bit him in half with a mighty 'kerunch!'. "Oh boy! It's evil!" cried Playdough, whipping out his two- hander and charging with reckless abandon. "Semper Fidelis!" yelled the Ranger leaping forth in kind. "Now let's not jump to conclusions!" warned Sauramud. "This might not be evil, it might be a sign." Just them the creature spat a stream of doughy hell at him that knocked his pointy hat from his head. "That was my best hat!" expostulated the thaumaturge angrily. "You guys were right, it's EVIL! Eat magic dough boy!!" he cried, firing a volley of magic missiles into it. The monk, feeling left out, clambered up an ornate column and swung from chandelier to chandelier until he was at a point directly over the battle. "Fall under my wrath fell beast!" he cried, diving at it with fists flailing. He struck it and disappeared into it with a gushy 'blook'. "Mind Dingbat when you swing!" warned the magicer, frantically sifting through scrolls for a magic one. There was a twitching at the creature's mouth and it parted - albeit reluctantly, as Dingbat forced it open a few inches. He wrenched it open just far enough to yell, "Heeelllp!!" before it slurped him back with an emphatic 'gloomp'! "Hey Playdough, nice follow through on those last shots." said the ranger with grudging admiration, deflecting a doughy fist with his greave. "That's nothin! Watch this!" said Playdough. With a wild vertical swing he neatly bisected the monstrosity. It quivered momentarily and began to melt disgustingly. "Nice shot." said the wizard wryly. "Did you miss Dingbat?" "Oh, was I supposed to?" "No matter." said Rodent, "The beast appears dead." There was scattered applause from the acolytes hiding behind the pillars, which the three accepted with only moderate bowing. A massive struggling within the sticky remains showed that the monk had indeed survived the last shot, though later inspection showed a nasty slice in his waistcoat. "Let this be a lesson to you Playdough. This is what comes of scarfing holy wafers." said Rodent sagely. "Duh, this is what comes of you smackin' them out of my hand." retorted Playdough. "No, this is what comes of following wizardly advice!" shrilled Dingbat, scraping off doughy handfuls. "You shut up! This is all your fault to begin with." said Sauramud. "What?!?? "That's right, it was your fault." said the ranger. "My fault!" shrieked Dingbat indignantly. "A-ha! I knew it was you!" said the priest stepping in at that moment, flanked by the temple bouncers. "Me?!?" cried the monk. "Ah, so you confess!" said the priest triumphantly. "That may stand in your favor. Now let's see," he said, turning his back on the indignantly sputtering monk. "I see lengthy quests, hefty renumeration..." "A sound flogging." interjected Rodent. "Good." said the priest. "Two years prayer and fasting." mentioned Playdough. "A little cliche, but a nice touch." he said approvingly. "Hey, I've got a few neat ideas." said Sauramud pulling out a well worn scroll and squinting at the diagrams. "Hey wait a minute." said the high priest, ignoring the wizard. "Where has the monk got to?" "He's buggered off!" said one of the acolytes. "This bodes not well." said the priest ominously. "For us I suppose!" said Rodent bitterly. "Lo, you must pursue this wayward monk and return him for justice." "Or...?" prompted Sauramud. "Or suffer the wrath of the gods!" thundered the priest. "...or..." prompted the wizard a second time. "Or no more cures and resurrections!" said the priest angrily. "Or...???" said Sauramud. "Look, what do you want?!" demanded the priest. "Well, I was hoping for something a little less dire." admitted the wizard sheepishly. "Quiet Sauramud, before he does something rash." advised Rodent aside, "Besides, recall that Dingbat is carrying all of the party treasure." "By gum! We have to find that poor lost soul!" said the magicer rapidly crossing himself piously and making for the door. The others followed. . . . "Dingbat, ohhh Diiiingbat...!" "That's not going to work you fool, you're just going to warn him of our approach." said Rodent cuffing the paladin. "Duh, but we have to do that 'cause we're good!" "Only if he was evil." said the wizard. "Since he's a monk that doesn't apply." "I don't get it..." began the paladin. "Oh come on Playdough, he couldn't have hung around with you so much if he was evil." said Rodent sternly. "Howscum?" asked Playdough perplexedly. "Because you would have killed him you great twit!" yelled Sauramud. "Oh yeah, that's right, hyuck hyuck!" chortled the chaste one. "What do we do then?" "We have to think like a monk." said Rodent with obvious distaste. "If I one were a monk, where would one go?" "To the bar in Vermouth looking for a fight." offered the wizard. "To his mom." suggested the paladin. "To a bar in Wartburg looking for a fight." said Sauramud. "Back to the monkistary..?" mused Playdough. "To a bar in..." began the magicer. "What's this thing you have with bars?!?" demanded Rodent. "On second thought, never mind! I know where he is." "How would you know?" asked the wizard skeptically. "I am a ranger. It is my job to know." said Rodent pompously. He stuck his nose to the ground in search of tracks. "Izzat him up on that hill there?" asked Playdough, pointing. "Swingin' from that tree?" "Hey, you're right!" cried the wizard as the twosome left Rodent - who was pointing in the opposite direction - for the hill. By the time they arrived at the top a half hour later puffing and panting (or the wizard at least) the monk had nestled into a shrub next to a crackling fire. He appeared to be thoroughly engrossed in writing into a dog-eared, ratty journal. "What's this?" asked Sauramud, plucking it from the monk's hands. "Yaagh!" yelped Dingbat leaping up and cringing. "Sauramud, I told you a million times, don't creep up on me when you're invisible!!!" "I didn't!" he said. "You must have been! You couldn't surprise me any other way! I'm a monk, nothing surprises me..." Playdough: "Duh..." Dingbat: "Yaagh!" He paused to allow his dangerously racing pulse to settle. "You turned him invisible too! You're here to take me in, aren't you? What kind of people could do that to a friend? Where's the invisible ranger? Come out Rodent, I hear you! Come out I say!" "Oh, he's down at the foot of the hill." said Playdough. "He's clued out again." "Guys, where are you?" echoed from the distance. "I think I've found his tracks!" Sauramud, meanwhile, was thoroughly engrossed in the monkish journal and began reading aloud. "'...And meanwhile'," he read, "'as the fell beast did approach our camp in the dark, completely surprising my well-meaning but foolish companions, I rose to meet it's advance!' True, it did go for you. 'Heedless of my own personal safety I acrobatically attacked it from above using monkish vertical assault maneuver 37B! I rained lethal blows from above, catching it totally by surprise while my compatriots flailed at it with their useless weapons. I smote it solidly betwixt the eye-stalks, noting in passing the wizard's cowardly flight! And then I hit it again! The monster! And, and then I hit him! Baff! And I kicked him and he died - the monster - and and...' My god! He even writes like this!" "Give me that!" snapped Dingbat snatching the book away. "Don't you have spells to memorize or something?" he asked witheringly. "Duh, and then what?" asked Playdough, who had been following the story rather avidly. "Well it got kind of incoherent after that." said Sauramud. "How dare you sully my writings so! I'll have you know I've had five, no, ten offers to publish my works!!" "From who? Give me names! I've got some swampland to sell!" "Go away! Leave me alone! I've decided to set off solo. The Great Dingbat needs no compatriots. You're cramping my style. My annals do not include the likes of you from this - hey! unhand me you big lout!" "You's comin' with me!" said the paladin. "You gots tuh fast for a couple of years or somethin." "What? Hasn't that blown over yet?" asked the monk incredulously as the paladin gripped him under the armpits and began to drag him away. "It has to have been at least a day." agreed the wizard snidely. "But this is silly!" protested Dingbat. "Why do we have to go to that temple anyway?" "Duh, I'm not sure, but I think yer blasphemin'!" said Playdough dangerously. "Oh, there's Rodent." "Oh, Playdough is that you?" said the ranger with his nose to the ground intently - bits of moss and sod hung from his helm noseguard. "Unless I miss my guess the monk was skipping by here not two hours ago. Here he seems to have been wrestling with a chipmunk. And here," he announced pointing farther up the hill, "He was dragging one injured leg and - eh, what's this? He appears to have been dragged down the hill and, I say, these tracks are recent!" "Hi Rodent." said Dingbat half cheerily. "Oh, there you are." said the ranger acidly. "Where's our money?" "Oh, that." said the monk. "I've been out placing deposits at some of the other temples here and about. Did you know that we're getting a bum deal at our church?" He whipped out a handful of garish leaflets. "Did you know that there's very reasonable membership fees at most of these?" "He's right!" said the wizard. "Look at the discount on group resurrections at this place!" "What?" said Rodent, ears perking. "Just think of the savings after just a couple of months of regular use!" "And," said the monk quickly as Playdough looked about to speak, "It says that Paladins only have to give five percent of their income every second month!" "Uh, I suppose that's okay, but..." "And," he added desperately, "They get to keep all magic items they find!" "That would be nice." agreed Playdough wistfully. "Does that mean I could keep more than two rings?" He looked meaningfully at the band glowing on the wizard's index finger. "Schvienhundt!" snapped Sauramud. "You can only wear two! What do you need three for anyway?" "'Cause they're mine!" said Playdough petulantly. "Cease this petty bickering." commanded Rodent. "It says here that they need a paladin." "Well I suppose it wouldn't hurt to look." grumbled Playdough resignedly. "Where is this place?" "It's in Wartburg. Corner of Stealth St. and Murder Alley." "Oh there! I know that area." piped up the wizard without thinking. "You do?" said Rodent disapprovingly. "Uh, well I've heard of it anyway." he amended hastily. "None the less, let us wend our way hence." said the ranger. The others, used to his oral bombast, knew that he meant 'Let's blow this joint and check it out'. They arrived scant weeks later at the gates of Wartburg, bandaged and barely alive - in other words, in usual form. After the usual hassles with the gate guards they finally bribed their way in once again. Pausing only to check in at the sleaziest (and hence cheapest) inn in town they strode outside into the dusty street and began to unfold their leaflets. "Hey look! This one gots a centerfold!" chortled Playdough as he ogled at one of the color glossies. The wizard snatched it out of his hands. "Give me that!" he said briskly as he shoveled it into his robes for later reference. "This isn't something for your chaste eyes!" "Here's one!" said Dingbat enthusiastically. "It's the Temple of Nike - Goddess of Aroebics!" "No, she's far too flighty for the likes of us." said Rodent. "How about Odin, God of Noise?" "Too loud." retorted Dingbat. "This one looks promising." said Sauramud. "Anybody heard of the People's Temple?" "Duh, this one looks nice." said the paladin. "What's it called?" asked Rodent. "I dunno, but look at the neat picture on the front of the leaflet." said Playdough holding it up for all to see. "Entwined serpents, how -er, quaint." said the monk. "What's it say inside? Hmm, who's this 'Set' fellow anyway?" Unbeknownst to the party the nearby townsfolk moved a few feet further away (many crossing themselves). Their horses did likewise. The party, oblivious to all this, pored over the special rates for temple- approved adventurers. "Gentlemen, I believe this warrants further investigation." said Rodent importantly. "When does it say their hours are?" "Duh, oh look! There's a service tonight!" said Playdough. "Really?" said Sauramud. "How unorthodox. Where is this place?" Later that night the foursome walked blithely down a darkened street, singing old battle hymns and waving to people they passed in the shadows. "Here it is." said Rodent, bringing them suddenly to a halt. "Number 666 Stealth St. Now it's just down the stairs." Sometime later... "Lotta stairs." observed the paladin. "But lo! Is that light my highly trained monkish eyes spy just around yonder bend?" "What? You mean you didn't hear the chanting for the last three flights?" remarked Rodent. "I thank you to keep your trite fancies to yourself. If there was chanting to be heard, I would have picked it up long ere you noticed it." "Duh, I heard it." said Playdough. "Yes." agreed Sauramud. "I thought it was rather obvious." "Hush!" said Dingbat. "For lo, I do hear something in the distance! Perhaps beyond this very wall." He plastered his ear firmly to the wall. "Here it is." called the paladin. "Just around the corner here. There's a bunch of guys prayin' or something." A cowled figure slid up and hissed at them, "You! What are you doing here?" "Keep your shorts on old man." said the wizard. "We're here to see the big HP! We've got an invite." He waved the pamphlet under the speaker's nose. "Ah yes." said the man, his eyes glinted strangely. "You have one of the, uh, color brochures. You must have gone through great trials to get this." "Stuff and nonsense!" snapped Rodent impatiently. "We got it from the monk. Now are you going to bring out the priest or do we have to wait out here all night." "He's busy, you will have to come inside." "Oh, very well." said Rodent with an air of long suffering. He made as if to push past the man. "Wait!" cried the other. "You must put on these!" "Swell." said Sauramud drily. "Black." "I ain't puttin' that on. It looks like a dress." said Playdough sourly. "It's a ceremonial robe and put it on we don't want to delay much longer than we have to and let's *go*." said Rodent. "And take one of these." said the man, passing each a large candle as they passed. "Neat!" said Dingbat, "Black wax." In short order the party was in the back rows of the ceremony behind a mass of chanting, swaying, vacant eyed rabble. Dingbat attempted to sing along while the others examined the decor with interest. "A little bleak, isn't it?" said Sauramud. "Hush, what would you know of religious matters? You're a wizard." whispered Rodent. "Duh, this is boring." said Playdough. "I don't like this temple." Several of the cowled figures in the next row shifted uncomfortably. "You're not giving it a chance.", said Dingbat nervously. His nose wrinkled suddenly. "Hey, what's that horrible smell?" "That's incence you cretin." whispered Rodent. "Haven't you ever smelled incence before?" "I think it smells good." said Sauramud. "You would." said Dingbat. "Look, just because you don't know what smells good..." "Oh sure, and you do?" "My experiences as a wizard..." "Are not equal to..." "WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP! YOU'RE DISTURBING THE SERVICES!" shouted Rodent. After some confusion, the ceremony resumed. "Well I didn't start it." muttered Dingbat. "Look, if it wasn't for you.." began Sauramud, when a hush fell over the room and he prudently shut up. At the end of the room entered a beautiful maiden clad only in shimmering silk and iron manacles, followed by an ornately dressed man. "Oh, I'm beginning to like this temple." said Sauramud lewdly. "Hey! That guy's got a knife!" cried Playdough, leaping up and pointing as the ornately dressed figure drew a wavy bladed dagger and raised his arm above the reclining girl. "Bloody hell! He's right!" said Rodent, attempting to draw his bastard sword through his robes. "Wait, I'll get him!" called Sauramud, cracking a lightning bolt or two into the figure, who obligingly exploded. The crowd reacted with suprised alarm, quickly changing into a seething mass of homicidal fury. "Look out!" cried Playdough. "They's evil!" "You IDIOT!" yelled Rodent. "Why didn't you say anything when we came in!" "Duh, I didn't check!" wailed the chaste one as he flailed about purposefully with his greatsword. "Howscum you didn't tell me to check?" "Do I have to do all your thinking for you?" said Rodent as he cleaved through several worshippers in one blow. Playdough's answer, if any, was drowned out by monkish yells and magical blasts as the battle grew fierce. "We're cut off from the exit!" cried Sauramud. Rodent, never one to spurn impulse in lieu of reason, heaved open a side door and motioned the others through it. "Get going! I'll hold them off" he cried. Quick to take advantage of such useless gallantry, the other three raced through the portal and into an obvious bathroom. "The temple lavatory!" said Dingbat. "What a great idea! Rodent, you've outdone yourself." "Well, maybe if we hide in a stall they'll overlook us..." began the magicer, when just then they heard a metallic clank from the far stall and its door opened to reveal none other than... "Gruesome George!" cried the threesome. "Duh, the anti-paladin!" yelled Playdough happily, anticipating a cleaving coming up. "Drat! You again!" snarled the a-p. "Hey, didn't we kill you last time we met?" said Dingbat. "No!" said Gruesome George, buttoning up his codpiece. "Duh, no ya don't!" said Playdough. "Yer an anti-paladin an they's always lie! They told me so at the temple!" "But by your own argument," said Gruesome George slyly, "If I always lie then I cannot not tell the truth." He paused as the threesome looked puzzled. "Look," he said. "I'm telling the truth when I say I always lie, right?" "By golly, he's right!" said Dingbat. "Now wait a minute, " said Sauramud hesitantly. "Duh, yuhs evil and a liar and I'm gonna kill ya good." said Playdough. And with that he skewered the anti-paladin through the chest several times. "Arrgh!" gasped Gruesome George as he fell. "You fools! It cost me twenty thousand gold to get raised this time..." "Twenty thousand!" exclaimed Dingbat. "Gosh, it only costs ten at our temple." "Only ten?" wheezed GG, falling to his knees. "Does that include post-resurrection therapy and - cough - dental hygeine?" "You guys have a dental plan?" asked Sauramud. "T-transferable to the next of kin..." he groaned, slumping over. "Oh hurry up and die!" said Playdough, twisting off one arm and beating him with it. "That's enough Playdough, he's pretty dead." said the wizard. "Duh, dead enough?" There was a pause. "You're right, keep going." Several loud, meaty thwaks later, Rodent began cursing in Latin at the door and yelling for assistance. With a concerted effort and the use of a few magic items they broke through to the stairs and beat a hasty retreat, pausing only to toss a few flasks of flaming oil down to discourage pursuit. "Well that was a typically stupid monkish idea, right down to the stupid comments, stupid plans, and stupid candle wax all over my new boots." said Rodent disgustedly. "Don't try to blame this one on me!" piped up Dingbat. "It's Playdough's temple that's the cause of all this." "Say, that's right!" uttered Sauramud. "Duh, don't say nothin' bad about the temple!" warned the paladin angrily. "Oh well, I suppose we just have to drag Dingbat back to them." "Oh no you don't!" said the monk, breaking into a run. "Oh yes we do!" said Rodent, pulling out his bow and firing a warning shot through his chest. After suitable bandaging Dingbat was duly pacified and brought sulking before the high priest. "What's this?" demanded the high priest. "Who is this grotty little man?" "Ah, your excellence." said Sauramud, assuming his most courtly manner. "This is the monk you commanded us to return to you so he could be lowered into the pit of a thousand leeches." "What?!?" exclaimed the high priest. "No? Perhaps this one then..." said the thaumaturge, pulling forth his scroll and glancing at it for inspiration. "Psst! Rodent!" whispered Dingbat. "He doesn't remember! Let's leave it that way, shall we?" "Actually, your grace, " said Sauramud, "The diagram explains it much better than mere words can." He proffered the scroll. "Ewg." said the high priest. "Actually, your grace," spoke up Rodent, "We seem to be here on the wrong day or something. Sorry to take up your time, and we'll just be leaving now." "What?" said Sauramud. "You mean its blown over alread..., ah, fine. Right. So much for planning and forethought. So much for creativity and effort!" He turned and stomped away from the altar. "Just a minute!" said the high priest. "Leave the scroll!" THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Those Dudes" are mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca (Michael McAleese) and David_Braun@panam.wimsey.bc (David Braun)