Lyrics for singles by Novelty Songs

Snoopy's Christmas : The Royal Guardsmen

The news came out in the First World War
The bloody Red Baron was flying once more
The Allied Command ignored all of its men
And called on Snoopy to do it again

T'was the night before Christmas and forty below
When Snoopy went up in search of his foe
He spied the Red Baron and fiercely they fought
But with ice on his wings, he knew he was caught

Christmas bells, those Christmas bells
Ringing through the land
Asking peace of all the world
And good will to man

The Baron had Snoopy dead in his sights
He reached for the trigger to put him tight
Why he didn't shoot, well, we'll never know
Or was it the bells from the village below

[chorus]

The Baron made Snoopy fly to the right
And forced him to land behind the enemy lines
Snoopy was certain that this was the end
When the Baron cried out "Merry Christmas, my friend!"

The Baron then offered a holiday toast
And Snoopy our hero saluted his host
And then with a roar they were both on their way
Each knowing they'd meet on some other day

[chorus]

King Tut : Steve Martin & The Toot Uncommons

Now when he was a young man he never thought he'd see (King Tut)
People stand in line to see the boy king (King Tut)
How'd you get so funky (funky Tut)
Did you do the monkey

(Born in Arizona moved to Babylonia King Tut)

Now if I'd known they'd line up just to see him (King Tut)
I'd taken all my money and bought me a museum (King Tut)
Buried with a donkey (funky Tut)
He's my favorite honky
(Born in Arizona moved to Babylonia King Tut)

Dancing by the Nile
Ladies loved his style (waltzing Tut)
Rocking for a mile (walking Tut)
He ate a crocodile

He gave his life for tourism

Golden idol
He's an Egyptian!
They're selling you

Now when I die now don't think I'm a nut
Don't want no fancy funeral just one like old King Tut (King Tut)
He coulda won a grammy (King Tut)
Buried in his jammies
(Born in Arizona moved to Babylonia
Born in Arizona got a condo made of stone-a (sic) King Tut)

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life : Monty Python

[spoken]
Cheer up, Brian
You know what they say
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle!
And this'll help things turn out for the best

And...

[sung]
...always look on the bright side of life!

[whistle]

Always look on the bright side of life
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing!
And... always look on the bright side of life...

[whistle]

Come on!

(others join in whistling and singing the chorus)

Always look on the bright side of life

[whistle]

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it -- it's the last chance anyhow!

So always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!

And always look on the bright side of life [whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life [whistle]

Junk Food Junkie : Lary Groce

You know I love that organic cooking
I always ask for more
And they call me Mr. Natural
On down to the health food store

I only eat good sea salt
White sugar don't touch my lips
And my friends is always begging me to take them
On macro-biotic trips

Yes they are...

But at night I take out my strong box
That I keep under lock and key
And I take it off to my closet
Where nobody else can see

I open that lid so slowly
take a peek up North and South
Then I pull out a Hostess Twinkee
And I pop it in my mouth

In the daytime I'm Mr. Natural
Just as healthy as I can be
But at night I'm a junk food junkie
Good lord have pity on me

Yes sir...

At lunch time you can always find me
At the whole earth vitamin bar
Just sucking on my plain white yogurt
From my hand grown pottery jar

And sipping little hand pressed cider
With a carrot stick for dessert
And wiping my face in a natural way
On the sleeve of my peasant shirt

Yes I do...

Ahh But when that clock strikes midnight
And I'm all by myself
I work that combination
On my secret hide-away shelf

And I pull out some Fritos corn chips
Dr. Pepper and an old Moon pie
I sit back in glorious expectation
Of a genuine junk food high

(chorus)

Here we go now...

My friends on down at the commune
Well they think I'm pretty neat
I don't know nothing about arts and crafts
But I give them all something to eat

I was a friend to ol' Eul Gibbons
And I only eat home grown spice
Got a John Keats autographed Grecian urn
Filled up with my brown rice

Yes I do...

Now folks, lately I have been spotted
With a Big Mac on my breath
Stumbling into a Colonel Sanders
With a face as white as death

I'm afraid some day they'll find me
Just stretched out on my bed
With a handful of Pringles potato chips
And a Ding Dong by my head

Convoy : Bill Fries & Chip Davis

Uh, Breaker One-Nine, this here's the Rubber Duck
You got a copy on me Pig-Pen? C'mon

Uh, yeah 10-4 Pig Pen, fer sure, fer sure
By golly it's clean clear to Flag-Town, C'mon

Uh, yeah, that's a big 10-4 Pig-Pen
Yeah, we definitely got us the front door good buddy
Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy

Was the dark of the moon, on the sixth of June
In a Kenworth, pullin' logs
Cabover Pete with a reefer on
And a Jimmy haulin' hogs
We was headin' fer bear on I-One-Oh
'Bout a mile outta Shaky-Town
I sez "Pig-Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck
And I'm about to put the hammer down"

Cause we got a little ol' convoy, rockin' through the night
Yeah we got a little ol' convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?
Come on and join our convoy, ain't nothin' gonna get in our way
We're gonna roll this truckin' convoy across the USA
Convoy... Convoy...

Uh, breaker Pig-Pen, this here's The Duck
Uh, you wanna back off them hogs
10-4, 'bout five mile or so, 10-roger
Them hogs is gittin' in-tense up here

By the time we got into Tulsa-Town
We had eighty-five trucks in all
But they's a road block up on the cloverleaf
And them bears was wall to wall
Yeah them smokies was thick as bugs on a bumper
They even had a bear-in-the-air
I sez "callin' all trucks, this here's The Duck
We about to go a huntin' bear"

[chorus]

Uh, you wanna give me a 10-9 on that Pig-Pen?
Uh, negatory Pig-Pen, yer still too close
Yeah, them hogs is startin' close up my sinuses
Mercy sakes, you better back off another ten

Well we rolled up interstate fourty-four
Like a rocket sled on rails
We tore up all of our swindle sheets
And left 'em settin' on the scales
By the time we hit that Chi-Town
Them bears was a gettin' smart
They'd brought up some reinforcements
From the Illinois National Guard
There was armored cars, and tanks, and Jeeps
And rigs of every size
Yeah them chicken coops was full of bears
And choppers filled the skies
Well we shot the line, we went for broke
With a thousand screamin' trucks
And eleven long-haired friends of Jesus
In a chartreusse microbus

Hey Rubber Duck, this is Sod Buster come over
Yeah 10-4, Sod Buster, listen
You wanna put that breaker bus in behind that suicide jockey?
Yeah, he's haulin dynamite
He needs all the help he can git

Well we laid a strip fer the Jersey Shore
And prepared to cross the line
I could see the bridge was lined with bears
But I didn't have a doggone dime
I sez "Pig-Pen, this here's Rubber Duck
We just ain't a gonna pay no toll"
So we crashed the gate doin' ninety-eight
I sez, "let them truckers roll, 10-4"

[chorus]

Uh, 10-4 Pig-Pen, what's yer 20?
Omaha?!
Well they oughta know what to do with them hogs out there fer sure
Well mercy sakes good buddy
We gonna back on outta here
So keep the bugs off yer glass
And the bears off yer... tail
We'll catch ya on the flip-flop
This here's the Rubber Duck on the side
We gone bye-bye!

the Twelve Days of Christmas : Doug & Bob McKenzie

On the first   day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
a beer

On the second  day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
two turtlenecks
and a beer

On the third   day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
three french toast
two turtlenecks
and a beer
(Doug:  "there should be more there")

On the fourth  day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
four pounds of backbacon
three french toast
two turtlenecks
and a beer
(Doug & Bob:  ". . . in a tree")

On the fifth   day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
five golden tuques!
four pounds of backbacon
three french toast
two turtlenecks
and a beer
(Doug & Bob:  ". . . in a tree")

On the sixth   day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
six packs of two-four
five golden tuques!
four pounds of backbacon
three french toast
two turtlenecks
and a beer
(Doug & Bob:  ". . . in a tree")

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
seven packs of smokes
(Doug: "nice gift!")
six packs of two-four
five golden tuques!
four pounds of backbacon
three french toast
two turtlenecks
and a beer
(Doug & Bob:  ". . . in a tree")

Doug: Whew! This should just be the two days of Christmas, it's too hard for us!
Bob:  Um...
Doug: Go, hoser.

On the eighth  day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
eight comic books
seven packs of smokes
six packs of two-four
(they stop singing, and let the background singers sing from 5 to 2)
and a beer
(Doug & Bob:  ". . . on my tree")
(Bob: "that beer's empty")

Bob:  Okay... day...
BG Singers: TWELVE!
Doug: Good day, and welcome to day twelve!
BG Singers: Five golden tuques!
four pounds of backbacon
three french toast
two turtlenecks
and a beer
(Doug & Bob:  ". . . in a tree")

Doug: So like that's our song, Merry Christmas
Bob:  Merry Christmas!
Doug: And good day!
Bob:  Good day, everybody.  And Happy New Year, too.
Bob:  Okay, you know what you left out?  Donuts - I told you to get me donuts!
Like on the ninth day or the tenth day, or the eleventh day, I wanted donuts!
Doug: Yeah, but the song's over.  Merry Christmas, everybody!
Bob:  On the twelfth day you coulda got me a dozen donuts.
You coulda gone down to the donut shop, where you buy a dozen
and get another one free, so thirteen for the thirteen days of Christmas.
Doug: Next Christmas, I'll get me a chainsaw
Bob:  Take off!
Doug: Boy, that song was a beauty, it moved me
Bob:  Yeah, I think it ranks up there with Stairway to Heaven
Doug: Wha-?

(music fades)

The Monster Mash : Bobby Pickett

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from the slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash

From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes

[chorus]
They did the mash [...]

The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included wolfman
Dracula and his son

The scene was rocking, all were digging sounds
Igor on chains backed by his baying hounds
The Coffin Bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group: the Crypt Kicker Five

[chorus]
They played the mash [...]

Out from his coffin Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist and said
"Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"

[chorus]
It's now the mash [...]

Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
My monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you

[chorus]
And you can mash [...]

Talkin' Baseball : Terry Cashman

The whiz kids had won it
Bobby Thomson had done it
And Yogi read the comics all the while
Rock 'n roll was being born
Marijuana, we would scorn
So down on the corner
The national past-time went on trial

We're talkin' baseball!
Kluzuski, Campanella
Talkin' baseball!
The Man and Bobby Feller
The Scooter, the Barber, and the Newk
They knew them all from Boston to Dubuque
Especially Willie, Mickey, and the Duke

Well, Casey was winning
Hank Aaron was beginning
One Robbie going out, one coming in
Kiner and Midget Gaedel
The Thumper and Mel Parnell
And Ike was the only one winning down in Washington

Now my old friend, The Bachelor
Well, he swore he was the Oklahoma Kid
And Cookie played hooky
To go and see the Duke
And me, I always loved Willie Mays
Man, those were the days!

Well, now it's the Eighties
And Brett is the greatest
And Bobby Bonds can play for everyone
Rose is at the Vet
And Rusty again is a Met
And the Great Alexander is pitchin' again in Washington

I'm talkin' baseball!
Like Reggie, Quisenberry
Talkin' baseball!
Carew and Gaylord Perry
Seaver, Tommy John and Vida Blue
If Cooperstown is calling, it's no fluke
They'll be with Willie, Mickey, and the Duke
Willie, Mickey, and the Duke. (Say hey, say hey, say hey)

It was Willie, Mickey and the Duke (Say hey, say hey, say hey)

I'm talkin' Willie, Mickey and the Duke (Say hey, say hey, say hey)

Take Me Out to the Ball Game : Jack Norworth and Albert Von Tilzer

Nelly Kelly loved baseball games
Knew the players, knew all their names
You could see her there ev'ry day
Shout "Hurray" when they'd play
Her boy-friend by the name of Joe
Said, "To Coney Isle, dear, let's go"
Then Nelly started to fret and pout
And to him, I heard her shout:

[chorus]

Take me out to the ball game
Take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
I don't care if I never get back
For it's root, root, root for the home team
If they don't win, it's a shame
For it's (shout) ONE, TWO, THREE strikes, you're out
At the old ball game

Nelly Kelly was baseball mad
Had the fever and had it bad
Just to root for the home town crew
Every sou Nelly blew
On the Saturday her young beaux
Called to see if she'd like to go
To see a show
But Miss Nell said "No!"
"I'll tell you what you can do:"

Nelly Kelly was sure some fan
She would root just like any man
Told the umpire he was wrong
All along, good and strong
When the score was just two to two
Nelly Kelly knew what to do
Just to cheer up the boys she knew
She made the game sing this song

Life's gonna suck : Dennis Leary

Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up, it sucks pretty bad right now

Hey, if you know the words, sing along

You're gonna have to mow the lawn, do the dishes, make your bed
You're gonna have to go to school until you're seventeen

It's gonna seem about three times as long as that

You might have to go to war, shoot a gun, kill a nun
You might have to go to war when you get out of school

Hey cheer up kids, it gets a lot worse

You're gonna have to deal with stress, deal with stress, deal with stress
You're gonna be a giant mess when you get back from the war

Santa Claus does not exist, and there is no Easter Bunny
You'll find out when you grow up that Big Bird isn't funny

Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up, it sucks pretty bad right now

You're gonna end up smoking crack, on your back, face the fact
You're gonna end up hooked on smack and then you're gonna die
And then you're gonna die

I'm My Own Grandpa : Dwight Latham & Moe Jaffe

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be
This widow had a grownup daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her, and soon they too were wed

This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life
For now my daughter was my mother, 'cause she was my father's wife
And to complicate the matter even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he were my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grownup daughter, who of course was my stepmother

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue
Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
'Cause now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa

Ooooooooooooooh

I'm my own grandpa
I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny, I know
But it really is so
I am my own grandpa

The Hanukkah Song : Adam Sandler

Okay
This is a song that uhh..
There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh..
Not too many Hanukkah songs
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear any Hanukkah songs
Here we go

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Hanukkah
So much funukah
To celebrate Hanukkah
Hanukkah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew

You don't need deck the halls or jingle bell rock
'cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock  [both Jewish]

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Hanukkah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Hanukkah

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is?  Hall of Famer Rod Carew  [he converted]
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish --- not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is: all Three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Hanukkah
I hope I get a harmonica
Oh this lovely, lovely Hanukkah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah
Happy Hanukkah

U Can't Touch This : MC Hammer

You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this

My, my, my, my
My music hits me so hard
Makes me say oh my Lord
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two hyped feet
Feels good when you know you're down
A superdope homeboy from the Oaktown
And I'm known
as such
And this is a beat uh you can't touch

I *told* you, homeboys: you can't touch this
Yeah, that's how we livin' and ya know
You can't touch this
Look in my eyes man, you can't touch this
Yo let me bust the funky lyrics, you can't touch this

Fresh new kicks and pants
You got it like that now you know wanna dance
So move out of your seat
And get a fly girl and catch this beat
While it's rollin' hold on
Pump a little bit and let them know it's going on
Like that, like that
Cold on a mission so fall on back
Let 'em know that you're too much
And this is a beat uh they can't touch

Yo I told you, you can't touch this
Why you standing there man, you can't touch this
Yo sound the bell school is in sucker
You can't touch this

Give me a song or rhythm
Making no sweat that's what I'm giving 'em
So now they know
You talk about the Hammer when you're talking 'bout a show
That's hyped and tight
Singers are sweatin' so pass them a wipe
Or a tape to learn
What it's gonna take in the 90's to burn
The charts legit
Either work hard or you might as well quit

That's word because you know
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
Break it down!
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Stop! Hammer time!

Go with the flow it is said
If you can't move to this then you probably are dead
So wave your hands in the air
Bust a few moves run your fingers through your hair
This is it for a winner
Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner
Now move slide your rump
Just for a minute let's all do the bump
Bump bump bump yeah, you can't touch this

Look man, you can't touch this

You'll probably get hyped boy 'cause you know you can't, you can't touch this
Ring the bell school's back in, break it down!
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Stop! Hammer time!

You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
Break it down!
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Stop! Hammer time!

Every time you see me, the Hammer's just so hyped
I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mike
Now why would I ever stop doing this
With others makin' records that just don't hit
I toured around the world from London to The Bay
It's "Hammer", "go Hammer", "MC Hammer", "Yo Hammer"
and the rest can go and play

You can't touch this
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
Yea, you can't touch this
I told you, you can't touch this
Too hype you can't touch this
Get me outta here, you can't touch this

Playin' Halo 3 : James At War

Akon : Sorry, Blame It On Me

[spoken]

As life goes on
I'm finding that I still sluff off most of my responsibilities
And I realize that I can be easily distracted from what's going on around me
So I wanted to [online chat beep] . . . uh (cough)
hold on a minute
just a second
What did you want again?
Oh right I was singing a song

[sung]

I'm sorry for the way that I've behaved
Over the last twenty seven days
I'm sorry for the times you asked and pled
But I never heard a word you said

When you were telling me to take out the trash
And you were warning me we were low on cash
I'm sorry that I acted like a slob
I'm sorry I got fired from my job

I'm sorry that the house hasn't been cleaned
The kids fought and I didn't intervene
I'm sorry that I haven't made our bed
I didn't feed the dog and now he's dead

Because I'm on the couch like everyday
Livin off of Mountain Dew and Frito Lays
I'm sorry for the weight that I've started to gain
I'm sorry that my man boobs are causing you pain

And yes I know that your folks came over
And I never said hello
And I missed our toddler's first steps
And your birthday yes I know

And I suppose the very worst it all
Was when I missed the birth of our new baby
But I had a very good reason babe
See I was playin Halo 3

I was playin' Halo 3
I was playin' Halo 3
Hanging out with Master Chief
Edition Legendary

Yeah, I was playin' Halo 3
See, I was playin' Halo 3
Just hanging out with Master Chief
While I was playin' Halo 3

I'm sorry that I missed the toilet, dear
Cause I was tryin' play by looking in the mirror
I know that it must have seemed so cruel
When I didn't pick our son up from school

I'm sorry that the car got repossessed
I bought the flat screen instead of making payments
I'm sorry that all I could see was my game
When you came down in your new lingere

And I know you're threatening to leave me
You found a man you're going to wed
And I'm sorry ya'll will never get married
Cause now he plays Halo with me instead

I know it's really hard on you
And it's got you feelin blue
It must be just like deja vu
From when I was playing Halo 2

I was playing Halo 2
I was Playing Halo 2
It almost split up me and you
When I was playing Halo 2

But now I'm playing Halo 3
On my Xbox 360
Just hanging out with my online peeps
While we're playing Halo 3

[spoken]

Good game (Yeah, good game)
Hey, did you ever play World of Warcraft?  (No)
Dude!