So I'm in the Video shop getting out several videos for my film genre course, 
including  "The Third Man",  "Citizen Kane",  "High Noon",  and several other 
intense vids, when my friends walk in.

   My presence of mind hasn't left me, so I immediately drop to the floor and
start crawling in the opposite direction because if there's one thing that'll
kill me socially,  it'll  be  being thought of as an arty person.   I've lied
about my film courses so far,  saying I'm doing them cos you get to watch the
Super-Uncut versions of Rambo movies that general public don't get to see.  

   So I've got to distance myself from the classics section and dump the vids 
before I get caught.

   I ditch the vids under one of the shelves in the Western section, and keep 
crawling.  When I'm a safe distance, I stand - just in time!   As soon as I'm
up I hear one of my friends shout "THERE YOU ARE!!!  I thought I saw you!"

Prick!

   To cover up, I grab the first video in front of me; anything's better than
Maltese Falcon!

     Around about then I realise that I'm in the adult section and I've got 2 
choices:

1. Deny everything and say I was lost (and be thought of as a sleeze 
for the rest of my life), or,

2. Be completely "frank" and pretend that I'm looking for some cheap
thrills.  (and be thought of as a sleeze WITH GUTS for the rest 
of my life).

What the hell, I think, I'll go for option #2, I can take the stress. I switch
to BRAZEN mode.

   "Just picking up a little something to get the old heart started!!" I say,
smiling as coolly as possible and keeping a level gaze.  I CAN DO IT, I KNOW!!!
I reassure myself with these private thoughts whilst I gaze down at my choice.

"IF IT THROBS, BEAT IT!!!" stares out from the cover in front of me.  So I'm
pretty sure my life's over.  I check the back cover to make sure..  "ALL MALE 
CAST!"

Yep.  Finished...

"Great Vid Simon!" he says, in the tone of voice that unmistakeably means that 
I'm not in the footy team anymore.  Especially when it comes to the showers...

"I.. I.."  The two decisions pop up in my head again, but "coming out of the 
closet" wasn't on my menu.  So I'm left with deny everything (and be thought 
of... etc)  SHIT

I introduce a new variation into the picture.  Only one person has seen me with 
the vid. 

I kill him.

It wasn't easy - it takes about 7 clubs with a video cassette just to get a
bleeding nose, and because the vid's probably a real light 30 minute import
from Venezuela I had to hit him about a thousand times.

So I'm covered in blood, and have to cover up REAL bad.  I nonchalantly wander 
up to  the  desk,  when my other friends happen to be waiting.  I'm covered in 
blood so I have to think fast.

"Wow, 'Blood Feast at Hell Mansion' is awesomely realistic!" I exclaim,
as I indicate my clothes.

"Where is it?!!?"  They cry, heading to the "Blood and Mutilation" Section

I've still got that stupid video and the woman at the counter's giving me a
look like "I wouldn't trust you alone with my violent Doberman, you peice
shit!"

I say "Oh, someone dropped this in the Classics Section"

She says "Sure, you scum-sucking perve"

What the hell have I got to lose?
"Hey," I say, "I'm not the person renting the stuff out to people!"

Straight away she and her husband get all defensive.  

"If we didn't do it, someone else would" they say
I decide to defuse the situation.  "Isn't that what Manson said?"
She hits me in the head with the bulk eraser and everything goes black...

Two weeks later when my skull's mended and the blackouts have stopped, I'm 
looking at 10 years hard labour, I notice that "Bloody Coverup at the Video 
Parlour (as recorded on closed circuit Tv)" is number 5 in the snuff section.

They think it'll be number one.

I'M A STAR!!!