The Radio Soap that never was..

"Let us travel now, through the realms of time, space and spacy machines, to
Dullus, Taxes"

JVC:  Well, Booby, what's new with Dislexis?

B:    It's hard to tell you JVC, but i think she's playing around with Ryan

JVC:  You mean she's, she's cheating on me!!!?

B:    Cheating on you!  She's the worst player I've seen and yet she's still
      8 under par!


MEANWHILE AT TARANAKI BASE HOSPITAL, DOCTOR BOB IS FACED WITH A PROBLEM!

DB:	Retractors
N1:	Retractors doctor
DB:	Clamps
N1:	Clamps doctor
DB:	Weet Bix
N1:	Weet Bix doctor
DB:	Right that should do for the groceries nurse Bean, let's go and see 
	that patient in a coma with respiratory problems and terminal halitosis

...

	Hmm, that definately is a bad case, Orderly Cabbage, get the specialist
	Mr Onion in here if you can and see if Doctor Cauliflower's theatre is
	available.

OC:	Right doctor
N1:	Do you think he stands much of a chance doctor?
OC:	Well, with any luck we'll get Doctor Carrot to operate on him, but
	frankly, i think he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life
N1:	(shocked) Oh no!

BUT IN THE BACK STREETS OF FRANKTON, ALL WAS NOT SO WELL.

Old Man:	Well, it's getting dark for me now son, I don't think I'll be on
	this earth much longer
Son:	You gunna be a spaceman then dad?
Old Man:	No, I'm shuffling off my mortal coil boy.  I've tried to be a good
	father to you boy, god knows I've tried, but now I'm going to have
	to let you stand on your own two feet.  I've a few possesions that
	i'll share amongst your 14 brothers, but i just wanted to know if
	you would like my Gold Watch?
Son:	OH, Wouldn't I!
Old Man:	Don't call me wooden eye, boy, or all call you-

IS DOCTOR CARROT A SMOOTH OPERATOR?   WILL JVC FEEL BETA ABOUT DISLEXIS?  AND
WILL THE OLD MAN CALL HIS SON THE NAME THAT WE CAN'T SAY OVER THE AIR.  TUNE
IN NEXT TIME FOR THE EXCITING PRECLUSION TO "CORONATION ROAD"

Part #2

 AS YOU MAY REMEMBER FROM OUR LAST PROGRAM, DOCTOR BOB HAD FALLEN INTO A LENS
GRINDER AND MADE A SPECTACLE OF HIMSELF, AND JVC HAD JUST MANAGED TO GET OVER
THE CRUEL BLOW OF FATE.  BUT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COOK STRAIT!


Old Man:	I can feel it now son, i'm going, i going
Son:		Where you going dad?
Old Man:	I'm going to that great hunting ground in the sky
Son:		Can i go wiff you dad?  I've just got this new bowie knife!
Old Man:	How do you know it's genuine?
Son:		It sings "Ashes to Ashes!"

MEANWHILE, IN THE DULL AS TAXES, 

B:	I'm afraid i've got some bad news for you JVC
JVC:	What is it booby?  It's Dyslexis, isn't it?  What's she done?  Tell me
	the truth, Give it to me straight!
B:	Ooooh!  JVC you saucy Devil, You!
JVC:	Just shut up and tell me what the problem is!
B:	Well, I'm afraid it's worse than you thought.  She's got a thing going
	with a couple of your mechanics!
JVC:	What, you mean, an ... affiar?
B:	Close JVC, it was an Chevvy Impala.  They said that they couldn't have
	got it fixed without her.  Something about the diff..

WILL YOU GET TO HEAR THE WORD THAT WE STILL AREN'T ALLOWED TO SAY ON THE RADIO?
WILL JVC'S CHEVVY CHASE ALL THE COMPETITION?  WILL THE OLD MAN KICK THE BUCKET,
OR WILL DR BOB REALY DISCOVER THE MIRACLE CURE?  TUNE IN SAME BAT TIME, SAME
BAT CHANNEL, NEXT TIME!

Part #3

IF YOU REMEMBER FROM LAST TIME, WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO TELL YOU THE ONE ABOUT
THE CORNFLAKE.  UNFORTUNATELY, WE CANNOT DO THIS, AS IT IS A SERIAL.  MEANWHILE
BACK AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME!

	(IL=Iron(sides)Lung, SB=Seargent Broody,)

	[Theme to Ironside]

IronLung:
	>wheeze< Well, Seargent Broody, >wheeze< I have figured out who the 
	killer is. >wheeeeeze<
Sgt Brody:
	Who was it IronLung?
IronLung: Well >wheeze< by a process of elimination >wheeze< I can tell you the
	killer was Madame Kerwalder.
Sgt Brody: But IronLung,  she's 97 years old,  confined to her bed,  and we've
	already established that the killer was six foot tall, had a wooden
	leg, and the closed circuit TV shows Doctor Walker committing the
	grisly crime on the deceased.
IronLung: But that's just circumstantial >wheeze<  You know as well as I do that
	I've got to be pushed around from scene to scene until I find out that
	Madame Kerwalder is Lou Ferigno's twin brother who was thought dead in
	a car crash, who looks exactly like doctor walker, and has a grudge
	against the deceased because he got the inheritance from their 12th
	Uncle, 4 times removed, who had a long lost daughter who is actually 
	my nurse who I'm supposed to find in the first place.  Besides >wheeze<
	I haven't had a chance to shoot someone yet.

BUT ALL WAS NOT SO CLEAR CUT IN TARANAKI BASE HOSPITAL 
	[Operating theatre noises, pings, lung machines, the works]

N1:	Doctor Bob, I think we're losing him!!!
DB:	Don't be silly nurse, look, he's there on the operating table!
N1:	No doctor, BP's low!
DB:	Is it, in that case i think I'll fill up there, even if they don't
	have any additives to clean your engine.
	[long Beeeeeeep]
N1:	CARDIAC ARREST DOCTOR !!!!
DB:	Ok nurse, pass me those two bedpans, rip the metal support out of your
	bra and plug it into the wall socket.
N1:	Will it work doctor?
DB:	Of course it will, McGuyver Does it all the time!
	Now, Here we go [crackling, sparking noises]

	[Sound of Radio Tuning in ]

N1:	Doctor, it hasn't saved the patient, it's just made a radio!
DB:	Oh hell, that's right, He made the heart starter out of a packet of
	raisins and a used contraceptive, DAMN!!!  I'm afraid that's it for
	him, His brain has been without oxygen for so long...
N1:	You mean if we had succeeded in recovering him, he would have been a
	... a ... a...
DB:	Yes Nurse, a Management student.  I think it was better this way...
N1:	[sadly] Yes Doctor, I suppose you're right...

MEANWHILE, STILL IN THE BACKSTREETS OF FRANKTON:

Old Man:	Well boy, my time has come
Son:		No dad, you'll live forever, the priest at church told me.
Old Man:	Boy, don't argue, I'm dying, I know it, things are fading out,
		I don't see so good...
Son:		Of course you don't see so good, you've only got one eye
Old Man:	Don't call me ONE EYE, C..

JUST ABOUT SAID IT THAT TIME!  WHAT WILL HAPPEN?  WILL THE OLD FART DIE, OR
WILL WE JUST KEEP STRINGING YOU ALONG?   WILL DR BOB LEAVE HIS PATIENT FOR
ANOTHER HALF HOUR AN MAKE A TEACHERS COLLEGE STUDENT?  WILL IRONLUNG GET TO
SHOOT AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER WHO TURNED OUT TO BE A CROOK?  TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO
MEANWHILE FOR THE EXCITING CLIMAX TO THIS PROGRAM

Part #5

MEANWHILE, A DAY IN THE LIFE OF CLINT EASTWOOD.

W:	Make me a couple of slices of toast will you dear?!
C:	I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, did he make 5, or
	did he make six.  Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement
	I forgot to count.  But taking as this is my morning breakfast,
	capable of being thrown up all over you, I'd like you to ask yourself
	one question.  "What's all this leading up to?"
W:	Well this is where you tell me to make your lunch.
C:	Oh, right!  Go ahead dear;  Make - my - lunch

AND WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING, ALL IS NOT WELL IN CAPE CARNIVAL..

	[All the PA stuff is said as background noise to the conversation]
PA:	Selector Control Alarm Switch is on.  Altitude Computer in place,
	beginning test cycle.  Primary booster ports are clear, beginning
	stress test phase and primary afterburner ignition.  Solid Fuel
	Booster in place and testing.  Secondary ignition circuits are A-OK
	1 Minute to launch.   

1:	Well, he we are, about to go.
2:	Yeah, after all them years of training.
1:	Yep, playing Galaga certainly has paid off, next stop, outer space.
2:	Did you use a Galaga simulator?, I used a Donkey Kong one!
1:	Well, i suppose they had to have a crew who know what it's all about.
2:	Yeah, but i suppose not many people wanted to crew the shuttle after
	last time
1:	Well, i mean it was a freak mishap, wasn't it.  Like the guy told us
	it was just the retro-watsisname and the primary washbasin
	inter-thingumming each other
2:	Yeah, but this one should be right.
1:	Sure it will.  But one thing I don't understand
2:	Whats that?
1:	Why have they sprayed all the walls with teflon?

BUT, BACK IN THE STREETS OF FRANKTON

Son:		Dad, say something!!!
Old Man:	What should i say boy?
Son:		How about "You can borrow my car son..."
		Dad?
Old Man:	Boy, i've lived a long life, and i've done a few things i'm
		not proud of...
Son:		What do you mean dad?
Old Man:	Well, I voted NATIONAL once, and it was me that bought HELEN	
		REDDY'S	GREATEST HITS, not your mother.
		Anyway, that's not important now, everythings getting so
		distant, someone will be coming for me soon?
Son:		Oh hell, have you been nicking books from the library again?
Old Man:	No boy, I'm gunna die!
Son:		DAD!!!...  Dad, before you go, can you tell me something?
Old Man:	What boy?
Son:		What is that word that you're always going to say?
Old Man:	The word was CU..

YOU REALLY THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO SAY IT, DIDN'T YOU.  WELL, WE DIDN'T, BUT WE
MIGHT ONE DAY.

Part #6

IF YOU REMEMBER BACK TO LAST TIME, RONALD REAGAN HAD JUST DISCOVERED THE FLY
ON  "THE"  BUTTON,  AND DESTROYED HALF OF PENSYLVANIA WITH A BADLY THROW FLY
SPRAY CAN.  WE TAKE YOU BACK TO WASHINGTON.

N:	Ronny dear, time to get out of your bath and address the nation.
R:	Can't we just put a label with "Care of America" on it.
N:	No dear, I mean talk to the people, you know, on the Radio.
R:	Oh that's right, well, I spose I can do that.  But will you get 
	BOBO cleaned up nancy, he looks a bit down in the mouth.
N:	Well, dear, you were warned that your unwholesome appetites may
	be a little too much for him
R:	Oh not now dear, I'm on the air.  >Ahem<
	My fellow Americans, I am deeply hurt by allegations that, I am a
	little too old to be your president.  Well, this is shocking, and
	I am most dissappointed with these people, and frankly,  I am not
	going to play with them any more.  The idea that I  am  going  is
	senile is absurd, and also, it is absurd.   As I said to the late
	John Wayne only yesterday, ....

BUT WHILE ALL THIS WAS HAPPENING, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD

C1:	Hurro,  Frying Soo-sah,  Magic Wok, Orinoko, Kung Fu
C2:	Oragami, Origami, Wassamata, Nunchukkas Toyota
C1:	Wassimodo, Karate, Suhi, Ouzo, Vodka, sake
C2:	Yukio Mushima, Hare Kare, Honda Civic, Wok wok
C1:	Oh!  Wasimodo, Hyunda, Ricies, Hai Hai Mu Wok Wok
C2:	Ah So, HieeeeeeeeeeeYA!
C1:	Nagasaki, Yamaha, Hiroko Hiroshima, Toyota Corolla
C2:	Ah So....

	DID THAT MEAN MUCH TO YOU?  NO, DIDN'T MAKE ALL THAT MUCH SENSE TO ME
	EITHER, BUT IN THE BACKSTREETS OF FRANKTON...

Son:	Mum, he's gone.
MM:	He didn't even pay the rent!
Son:	No mum, he's not gone, he's, he's.... dead
MM:	You mean DEAD dead.
Son:	Yeah.
MM:	Has rigor mortis set in yet?
Son:	No..
MM:	Quick, give me a hand lumping him out into the garden before he sets
Son:	We can't do that...  Anyway, he doesn't scare birds away
MM:	I spose you're right.
Son:	Yes, and he never did tell me what that word was.
MM:	Oh, you mean COUNTRY

BUT BACK AT AYERS ROCK, ALL WAS NOT SO SIMPLE.
(Lindy = L, M=Michael)

L:  Come on michael, help me put this suntan lotion on Azaria
M:  But that's not suntan lotion, that's barbecue sauce!
L:  No Michael, that's just the bottle it's in, it's really suntan lotion.
M:  Well what's all those doggie biscuits doing around the tent?
L:  Oh Michael, will you just shut up and stop asking stupid questions!
    Now I'll just put Azaria to bed and then we'll go to that nice pub in
    Will-Doon-Eye
M:  Will-Doon-Eye?
L:  Don't call me Will-Doon-Eye, CU

YOU THOUGHT WE'D FORGOTTEN DIDN'T YOU?  WELL WE HAVEN'T AND OUR STATION MANAGER
STILL WON'T LET US SAY IT, SO WE'RE GOING TO THINK UP ANOTHER WEEK.   BUT WHILE
WE'RE THINKING, WHAT WILL HAPPEN?  WHAT EXACTLY WAS EATING AZARIA?
WILL SYLLABUL FINISH HIS FOURTH WORD IN TIME FOR RAMBLE 28???  TUNE IN NEXT 
TIME TO FIND THE ANSWERS TO THESE IMPERITAVE QUESTIONS!!!