MacBath - Bill Spearshake.
1st Witch: When shall we three meet again, In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
2nd Witch: When the hurlyburly's done, When the battle's lost and won?
3rd Witch: [ding, ding] Let's see, next appointment, on the Heath. Is that
good for everyone?
2nd Witch: Pardon? We've got lots more chanting to do yet!!
3rd Witch: Well, I've been doing a time and motion study, and I have discovered
that if we used all our chanting time constructively, we could
in fact save ourselves...
1st Witch: Alright, Alright! Next meeting, on the Heath.
2nd Witch: Is that where we meet McBath and scare the crap out of him?
1st Witch: Yes
2nd Witch: Ooh good, I haven't scared the crap out of anyone in a fair and
foul while.
3rd Witch: Ok, so that's settled. Must fly, see you all on the Heath.
1st Witch: Very well sister, thence shall we meet!
3rd Witch: Ok, see ya sisters, be there or have funny hair!
[Woosh!]
1st Witch: We're going to have to do something about her; she hasn't been the
same since she did that Management Degree...
2nd Witch: Yuppy scum!
(1.2) A Camp on the battlefield (battle noises in backround)
Duncan: What bloody man is that? He can report, as seemeth by his plight, the
revolt, The newest state.
Malpaso: This is the seargent, who like a good and hardy soldier fought 'Gainst
my captivity. . . Hail brave friend! Say to the king the
knowledge of the broil, As thou didst leave it.
Captain: It were terrible as mine ears and eyes beheld it. . .
Malpaso: The Battle?
Captain: Nae! The bagpipe playing, I couldn't handle it, the music was
terrible, I had tae leave!
Malpaso: But you're wounded!
Captain: Aye, there were those who thought less of the music than I, and were in
more of a hurry.
Malpaso: But the battle, man, tell us of the battle!
Captain: Doubtful it stood, As two spent swimmers that do cling together
and choke their art. The merciless MacDonald for to that
the multiplying villanies of nature do swarm upon him.
Malpaso: Tell us more man!
Captain: Twas Brave McBath, disdaining fortune, with brandished steel, cut
a path through to the slave, and unseamed him from arsehole to
breakfast time
Malpaso: I say Captain! That was a little rugged don't you think?
Captain: Rugged! not as rugged as McDonald's clan using him as food inside small
loaves
Malpaso: Inside loaves?
Captain: Aye, Quat-re pounders, Chays-Bowgers and the like of which I've ever
laid eyes upon. (It appears to be a tradition) But McBath
didst save the head of the man and fixed it upon our battlements
Duncan: Oh Valiant Regal cousin! Worthy Gentleman
Captain: And then, then there were another attack
Duncan: Dismayed not this, our Captains MacBath and Banquet??
Captain: Aye, they were shitting bricks, or I'm a Scotsman
Duncan: You are a scotsman!
Captain: Oh am I? It must be these terrible wounds . .
Duncan: Ah of course, Ye words become thee as thy wounds, they smack of honour
both, Go! Get him to the surgeons
Captain: Thank ye sire!
[Knock, knock]
Who comes there?
Malpaso: The worthy thane of Russ!
Leppox: What a haste looks thru his eyes! So should he look that seems to speak
things strange..
Russ: God save the Queen!
Malpaso: (whispered) King! you fool, king!
Russ: My words be correct as proved by his wardrobe.
Duncan: Whenst camst thou, worthy thane?
Russ: From Fife great queen! Where the Norweyen banners flout the sky, and
fan our people cold. Norway, assisted by that bag-biter, the Cane of
Thordor, began a dismal conflict!
Duncan: And the outcome, worthy Cane, the outcome of this?
Russ: We kicked the crap out of them, Mam
Duncan: Great Happiness and Joy!!
Russ: That now Sweno, Norway's king, craves composition, to bury his men, pay
up death duties of 10,000 dolleros
Duncan: Death Duties?
Russ: Well, we killed them, so they owe us something!!! Anyway, think of all of
those return tickets that the King of Norway will be able to
get the refunds on.
Duncan: No more that backstabbing Cane of Thordor shall be a wart upon our bum,
go forth and announce that he is discharged and offer McBath
the job, six pounds a week, free castle and servants, and an
invitation to the Kings Booze-up at Christmas every year!
Russ: I shall see it done.
Duncan: Good, he has been! (Whispered) I had to offer the previous one seven
pounds a week and two invites.
(1.3) A Barren Heath
Witch 1: Where hast thou been sister?
Witch 2: Killing Swine
Witch 3: Sister, where thou?
Witch 1: A bit of V.D. curing. Still, it brings in the money..
Witch 2: I'll give thee a wind...
Witch 1: Oh gee, is that what that smell is. Oops! No it's not, it's this,
a pilots' thumb
Witch 2: Ew! Where did you get it?
Witch 1: Dropped out of an airplane as I was passing under on the broom.
Witch 2: A thumb, a thumb
Macbath doth come!
All: The weird sisters hand in hand
Posters of the sea and land
Thus do go about, about
Thrice to thine, thr...
Witch 1: Stuff it, three threes are nine
That's that settled
MacBath: So foul and fair a day I have not seen
Banquet: Make up your mind McBath, 'tis either fair or four
MacBath: Look Banquet, I've just about had a gutsful of your smartarse remarks,
Now shut it, before you thump you one.
Banquet: Ok, ok, no need to get nasty. How far's it to Forres? Ah, the mist
doth clear. Eye, eye, what's this, Miss Scotland Ugly
competition, or the annual meet of the beared ladies?
MacBath: Speak if you can. What are you?
Witch 1: All hail McBath, Cane of Glamour
MacBath: Yes?
Witch 2: All hail McBath, Cane of Thordor
MacBath: Wrong guy sorry, he's a different guy, bald, -
Not in the King's favour I bet.
Witch 3: All hail McBath, that shalt be king hereafter
Banquet: I say McBath, you look ill, What's the problem? These old bags read
your horoscope and you... Good grief man, you don't believe all
that Moon rising over Neptune stuff do you? Load of codswallop.
Well, you old bags, what's my fortune ay? Don't tell me, going
to meet a tall blond woman with big gazonkas?
Witch 1: Hail!
Witch 2: Hail!
Witch 3: Hail!
Banquet: Big deal, The way the weather's going, what more can you expect?
Witch 1: Lesser than McBath, and greater!
Banquet: Listen to that McBath, she doesn't know her own mind either.
2nd Witch: Not so happy, yet much happier...
Banquet: Looks like I'm going to get ploughed tonight then a McBath!
3rd Witch: Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.
Banquet: Does no-one talk without contradicting themselves these days?
3rd Witch: Yes and no...
All hail McBath and Banquet
1st Witch: Banquet and McBath all hail. Quick sisters, into the Witchmobile
while the fog's thick.
MacBath: Stay you imperfect speakers! Speak, I charge you!
[Car starts up and speeds away]
Banquet: Where've they gone?
MacBath: Into the air, no doubt
Banquet: That's it! I'm off the Cooking Sherry for good!
MacBath: But your kids'll be kings (or queens if Duncan's an influence!)
Banquet: You shall be king!
MacBath: And the Cane of Thordor, no less, didn't they say?
Banquet: True. Hang on, who's there!
[clip clopping]
Russ: The king hath happily received McBath
The news of thy success.
MacBath: Cut the crap, what is it?
Russ: The kings right chuffed. He wants us to give you a promotion,
COME ON DOWN, CANE OF THORDOR!!!
Banquet: Bugger me! The old bats read the horoscope right! There's a first!
MacBath: But what about the current Cane of Thordor?
I can wait until he retires for the promotion..
Argus: Well, you won't be waiting long, there's going to be a neck-stretching
party!
Banquet: (Horrified) Not for McBath!
Argus: No you fool!
Banquet: Ah, no noose is good noose (ar ar)
MacBath: Thank you for your pains. What do you reckon Banquet, I think we're in
with a grin if the rest of the horoscope is true.
Banquet: Do not trust all you hear, for of witches I have one reservation
MacBath: What?
Banquet: I cannot know, it's reserved for someone else.
MacBath: (to himself) Two truths are told, let's hope this keeps up then.
(Aloud) This cannot be good, and cannot be ill, Banquet, for
there are parts of each in the witches brew.
Banquet: Well, you've cheered up MacBath, Argus
MacBath: Tis strangest yet, give me time to understand all that has come. Come,
let us to the king.
Banquet: Gladly!
(1.4) Forres. A room in the Palace
Duncan: Have you wasted the ex Cane of Thordor yet?
Malpaso: I have spoken to one who has seen the death.
He said that the Cane died a piker, begging forgiveness on knee,
the wimp! His head reseth on a battlement.
Duncan: Ah, so he was a bit "battlement scarred" then, get it? Ar ar ar
But a bit of a rip that, I quite liked the bugger too, still. . .
Ah Banquet, MacBath, Russ and Argus, how's it going?
Noble Banquet, The sin of my ingratitude even now weighs
heavy on me. Would thou hadst less deserved, that the
proportion both of thanks and payment might have been mine!
Still, I suppose a few gold soveriegns and a simple serving
wench on the sly should make up for that ey? Ar ar ar
MacBath: The service and the loyalty I owe, in doing it pays itself.
However, I have my eye on a woman in the kitchens...
Duncan: Anything! Noble Banquet, that hast no less deserved, nor must
be known, let me infold thee and hold thee to my heart.
Banquet: Steady on there; people will talk!
Duncan: Oh yes, a little discretion is called for. Shall we say in my chambers
at eight?
Banquet: Done!
Duncan: You have been!
Malcy, I've changed your name behind you back to the Prince of
Cammerbert. From hence to Inverness let it bind us to you.
Malpaso: Cammerbert, isn't that that funny cheese?
Duncan: No it's that fat belt that you wear with a tux
MacBath: I beg leave, your highness, for I must run to my wife.
Duncan: Of course McBath, you may leave
MacBath: Thank you My leige! I'll be back for the serving girl at
the eighth hour!
(to himself) Hmm, looks like I'll have to cheese that
Cammerbert if I am to be King.
Duncan: True worthy Banquet, he is so Valiant Regal,
And his commendations I am fed, It's a Banquo to me. Let's
after him! Whose care is gone before to bid us welcome.
(1.5) Inverness. Before McBath's Castle.
Lady Macbath: (To herself) Now, let's see what McBath has written me.
[Paper rustling]
My dear wife, I am writing this slowly because I know you can't read
fast (Sorry about that my love, but I could not resist using a cheap
joke). Strange things have happened since the battles. I met some
old hags who told me of my fortunes. I longed to ask further truths
of them, but they disappeared into the wind. But their prophesies
seem to be true, I shall be bringing home a new suit and an extra
six pounds a week from now on, as I am the Cane of Thordor. I must
see you shortly to have a chin-wag about all that has occured,
Especially as I may have a crack at being King for a while if I can
organise a few things...
Servant: Ahem!
Lady Macbath: Yes, what are the tidings you bring?
Servant: Low tidings is at 3pm and high tidings is at 2am
Lady Macbath: What?
Servant: Just a peice of levity, forgive me. I am here to inform you that
the king comes here this night.
Lady Macbath: What, the king comes? What about hubby? Is he not coming as
well? He knows how I hate it when the king starts window
shopping in my wardrobe!
Servant: The Cane will be travelling with him, Mam. One of my fellows had the
speed of him, and advanced to allow preparations. And he is
stuffed Marm.
Lady Macbath: [jolly] The things you servants get up to!! Alright you may go and start
preparations. (to herself) And what should I do?
If only I had the strength. Can I ask this of myself? First I
must be of the right mind. Take away all remorse, lose my
compassion, make myself as bitter as a losing Aussy cricket
team, as ruthless as a pommy fastbowler! I can do it! Now, I
must make preparations for Duncan's swim in a cement wetsuit.
[knocking]
Lady Macbath: Who's there?
MacBath: Wilma!
Lady Macbath: Wilma who?
Macbath: Wilma finger d...
Lady Macbath: My husband! You're here! Great Glamour, Worthy Thordor!
Your letters have uplifted me!
MacBath: My dearest love, Duncan comes here tonight
Lady Macbath: Does he? We'd better keep the cleaners on late then.
MacBath: Yes, and leaves on the Morrow
Lady Macbath: I see, my dear, that your mind toils with strange thoughts.
Do not worry my love, Duncan will be stiffer than Elvis
on a cold morning by the time the sun rises.
MacBath: We shall speak more of his!
Lady Macbath: Speak nothing my love, by mid of the night Duncan shall be
history, if not by accidental murder, then by fruit poisoning!
(1.6) Hautbouys
Duncan: Ah! This castle of McBath's hath a pleasant seat, the air
nimbly and sweetly recommends itself unto our gentle senses
Malpaso: Yes father, I expect it's that silage outside the gate...
Banquet: Yes, I too thought the air was a bit lumpy.
Duncan: Our Honored hostess, Lady McBath! We have not thanks enough
for your trouble. I thank you with all my heart
Lady Macbath: Good, I'll collect it tonight
Duncan: I beg of your Pardon?
Lady Macbath: I said, you speak with good sight.
You are most welcome here sire,
Your presence is a blessing.
Duncan: And where is the Cane? The randy old bugger made a sprint
for it to beat us, so I hope it was time well spent.
Lady Macbath: Yes, your highness, Pray make yourself at home.
Duncan: My dearest Lady, Please escort me to thine hubby, so we can
talk mens talk in the locker rooms. I shall return to survey
your attire cupboard later this evening!
(1.7) A court in McBath's Castle
MacBath: Oh I fear that I am making a grave mistake. He is my kinsman, should
I not take him to my breast as in old school days, or let my
ambition speak his death with a well placed dagger?
Lady Macbath: My husband, why have you left the chamber?
MacBath: We cannot do this, I cannot let you waste the old bugger. It
cannot be. I have a good promotion and a raise, what more
can I ask for?
Lady Macbath: A company car, an expense account, TO BE KING!
MacBath: How are we going to do it?
Lady Macbath: Well, I'll slip a few pounds of plastique into my nightdress -
you know, the one he likes to wear, and about midnight I'll
throw a grapefruit through the window. Not that I really wish
to do it my dearest..
MacBath: What is your doubt my love. Is it the hand of cruelest fate
that makes you not wish to kill?
Lady Macbath: No, it's just that it's my favourite nightdress.
MacBath: I shall get you another my dear, made from leather if you like...
Lady Macbath: Ooooooh Goody!!!
MacBath: But will we be suspected?
Lady Macbath: Not at all my dear, I took the precaution of putting a grapefruit
coring machine in the guards' quarters. The suspicion will be
upon them.
MacBath: Sounds good, a bit of shouting, finger pointing, and a short drop
off a tall gallows for the both of them should end the matter.
(2.1) Two hours later
Banquet: How goes it boy?
FleaBag: The moon is down, I have not heard the clock.
Banquet: AH, she goes at 12:01
FleaBag: Why not at twelve?
Banquet: Something wrong with it.
Mind you a good banging would fix it..
Here, have a borrow of my weapons belt, mind the sawn off spear
and pump action longsword, they can be quite nasty. Hang on,
Givvus that sword back, but keep the sawn off spear, it could
be good for collecting grapefruits from the turf.
Who is that?
MacBath: Tis friend!
Banquet: Aah! McBath! Tell me, have you thought more of the sisters?
MacBath: No, not at all. . .
Banquet: They plagued my dreams last night. They were there with their
measures of truth for you, but none for me. And then I turned
up at your coronation wearing no clothes, [voice speeds up]
and then I drove my horse off a cliff and then the corridors
got smaller and smaller and full of insects and spider and
then my old school teacher turned up and started killing all
my friends and...
MacBath: Think not of it Banquet, 'tis nothing! Go thee to thy bed.
(to himself)
The deed must be done. Where's that damn grapefruit tree?
(2.2)
Lady Macbath: Nothing like a couple of jars of Scotch to raise a bit of
courage!!! But No! I cannot do it, He reminds me too much
of my beloved father. I could not think of...
[A massive Boom]
MacBath: Who is there?
Lady Macbath: It is me my husband. Your aim was true I hear.
MacBath: Well, after a few tries my love.
Lady Macbath: And what of the guards?
MacBath: They woke each other, but went back to sleep after a
grapefruit milkshake
Lady Macbath: Tis done now, let us go, and you'd better clean yourself up,
you are covered in grapefruit pulp.
MacBath: Yes, but I didst think that I heard a voice cry "Sleep no more"
Lady Macbath: Nothing to worry about my love, if you were to stop consuming
those red tablets.
MacBath: But it cried it Again and Again
Lady Macbath: Have you been into the cooking sherry Again??
MacBath: No, twas a spirit I tell you
Lady Macbath: Yes, I've no doubt about that, it was that grapefruit cider
wasn't it?
MacBath: (meekly) Well, I only had a few drops...
Lady Macbath: Come on, let's go to bed.
MacBath: I cannot, I am afraid to think what I have done. I must go.
(enter Banquet)
Banquet: Honourable Lady, pray tell me, what on earth was that unholy din?
Lady Macbath: Tis nothing to worry about Banquet, twas just the clock repairman.
Banquet: Of course, well, I'm off abed Again, goodnight your ladyship.
(In the bedroom)
MacBath: What have I done, how can I live with myself? Destroying all that
prize grapefruit to become king...
[door opening]
Lady Macbath: What is the matter my husband
MacBath: All my grapefruit gone until next year...
Lady Macbath: But what is that knocking?!
[doorbell rings]
that KNOCKING
[Buzzer sounds]
THAT KNOCKING!!!
[Knocking]
(to herself) That's it, we get rid of that sound effects guy at the
end of the next scene.
(to MacBath) Quickly, get your gears off and whip on these nightclothes,
lest we be thought to be a part of the plot.
(2.3) A DRUNKEN porter enters the court.
[knocking]
Porter: Here's a knocking indeed. If a man were porter of Hell's Gate, he
should have old turning the key. Who's there in the name of Lange,
I mean Satan? [knocking] Speak now, ye cup of cold vomit with a
hair in it, who be there? [knocking] Damn you, who is there ?
[Big doors squealing open]
Master McDorf, Master Leppox!
MacDorf: Was it so late, friend, ere you went to bed, That you didst
lie so late?
Porter: Right on the nail sir, we were up till two tipping tall ones and
stoning jars, and I had to stop on the way for a quick chunder.
But you must remember sire, that drink is a great provider of
three things. . .
MacDorf: What three things does drink especially provoke?
Porter: Hangover, heartbreak and heaving sire, and as a byline, it can
droop the nether regions, be thee wary
MacDorf: I believe that drink gave thee the lie last night.
Porter: Never sir! I only had 52 Jugs sire!(burp)
MacDorf: Never mind, never mind, don't breathe on me so [farting noises]
and for the Leige's sake stand downwind will ye!
Porter: Ah, sir, here comes McBath now, your knocking must have
wakened him.
Leppox: Good morning, noble sir
MacBath: Leppox, how's it going you old cat shanker!
MacDorf: Is the king stirring worthy thane?
MacBath: (quietly) In hell, I shouldn't doubt
MacDorf: Pardon?
MacBath: Oh, I said he should soon be about
MacDorf: He did command me to call timely on him, I almost slept
in myself.
MacBath: Ok, follow me, but mind that pool of whatever it is that
the porter left
MacDorf: I know this is a joyful trouble to you, But yet tis done.
MacBath: The labour we delight in physics pain
MacDorf: (thoughtfully) Yes, I'm quite fond of a bit of pain myself, I'll see you
later.. I'll just pop in and wake the old fool
[door opens]
Leppox: Goes the king hence today?
MacBath: About six feet down I should imagine
Leppox: What was that?!?
MacBath: About six leagues from town I should imagine
Leppox: Well, I'll tell you one thing, I'm not too keen on travelling at
night now, there was a hell of destruction in the night, chimneys
collapsing wailing and lamenting, and our lodgings shaken to it's
foundations!
MacBath: Good god, the weather was that foul?
Leppox: Weather Schmeather, MacDorf smuggled a maiden up to his room and
was carousing the night thru.
MacBath: Twas a rough night then.
Leppox: Aye, lucky for some.
(McDorf Returns!)
MacDorf: (Horrified) O horror!, horror, horror!! Tongue nor heart, cannot
conceive or name thee!
MacDorf & Leppox: What is it?
MacDorf: Confusion now hath made his masterpeice!
Leppox: What is it you are trying to say man?!
MacDorf: Most sacriligeous of all sins! The horror of it all! I cannot
speak of it, the darkness that lies within
MacBath: What is it man, speak now!
MacDorf: Grapefruit, hundreds of grapefruit, all left bruised and rotten,
smashed and destroyed. Who couldst do such a thing.
(Speaking calmly) Oh! and someone's wasted the king too, fairly messy..
(Shouting) Ring the alarm, the grapefruit masher must be found!!
Shake off the sleep people, Malpaso, Banquet, quickly the horrors to
unfold before your eyes!
Lady Macbath: What's the business, that such a hideous trumpet calls to parley the
sleepers of the house
MacDorf: Lady McBath! Stay thee back, this sight is not for thine eyes,
being a grapefruit lover from way back.
(loudly) Banquet!, Banquet, Someone has destroyed all the grapefruit!
(spoken) Oh, And the royal master has been killed too
Lady Macbath: What? In this house this day! Never, My husband and I are both
defenders of the realm. Yes, the Grapefruit Realm even recognised
us with the Golden Grapefruit award just last month!
Banquet: The master has been killed?! But forget the place fair lady, such a
terrible deed!
MacDorf: Yes, that was about a year's supply of breakfasts
Banquet: No you fool! The king, a terrible terrible thing
MacDorf: What, the king?
Banquet: No, the deed!
MacDorf: Oh, did he own this land then
Banquet: Be silent! Mac Dorf, say tis not so!
MacBath: Had I but died an hour before this terrible time, so as not to bear
witness to all this! We must tell Malpaso
[Door opens]
Don: What's amiss?
MacBath: It's an unwed woman, but that's not important right now!
It is a very harsh task, but I must tell thee, thy father
was cut down in his prime.
MacDorf: Your father is murdered!
Malpaso: Oh! By whom? Is his will still on him??
MacDorf: (Quietly) Of course, where there's a will there's a relative!
Leppox: (out loud) Those of his chamber, as it seemed, had done't
Their hands and faces were all covered with grapefruit
pulp and pips and things
Malpaso: Grapefruit?
Leppox: Yes, that appeared to be the method
Malpaso: How many?
MacDorf: Hundreds it seems unhappy sir...
Malpaso: What a terrible waste!
MacBath: Oh, yet I do repent me of my fury, That I didst kill him!!!
MacDorf: Say what?
MacBath: I am a fool, I should have taken more care. To look upon my leige,
his face a hideous mask of nightdress and grapefruit pulp, oh sad,
sad lament.
Lady Macbath: (fainting) Help me hence, ho!
MacDorf: Help the lady!
[loud thud]
Leppox: Damn! missed!
Malpaso: Let us away brother and mourn in private away from other eyes
Banquet: Take the lady with you on the way out...
Damn this. In the sight of god I say thus.
Against the undivulged pretence I fight of treasonous malice.
Leppox: What'd he say?
MacDorf: He's going to kick some ass. And so am I.
All: So all!!!
MacBath: Right, let us leave outside this terrible room.
Malpaso: What shall we do brother? We'd better not join this lynch mob!
Let's push off back home, and leave the old bugger holed up here
Don: Holed up! Ar Ar ar, Malpaso, you're a real card!
Malpaso: Yes, I thought it was quite good myself. Let's go before someone
decides to slip us a solid silver heirloom between the shoulder
blades.
Don: Good idea brother. Let's pop down to the stables to hotwire a couple
of stallions and make tracks, me to Ireland, you to England I'll
be bound.
(2.4) Before McBath's castle
Old Man: Threescore and ten I can remember well, Within the volume of
which time I have seen hours dreadful and things strange, but
last night has got to take the cake!
Russ: Yep, she was pretty nasty wasn't she?
Old Man: As nasty as a cornered rodent
Russ: A trapped rat?
Old Man: No, and aussy in a scrum...
But I seest things that are familiar and yet strange,
Horses tearing each to peices, flesh and intestines everywhere,
I brought some with me, would ye like a peice??
Russ: Well, actually, I do feel a little peckish, perhaps just a small
bit off the fetlocks if you have it...
Ah, here cometh MacDorf
How goes the world now sir?
MacDorf: You're standing on it, can't you tell?
Russ: Who didst this terrible deed?
MacDorf: Those who McBath hath slain.
Russ: Terrible, terrible, and did they recover any of the grapefruit?
MacDorf: Not a one, horror of horrors!
And Malpaso and Don took off in complete silence, the pikers.
Russ: Methinks perhaps they had a hand in this.
MacDorf: Quite possibly, there were body parts all over the show in Duncans room.
It would appear that the sovereinity is to fall upon McBath
Russ: Yes, and if it misses, it will make a hell of a mess of the ground.
But what of duncans body?
MacDorf: Picked up by a vaccy, in three bags, to be carried to Colmans hill.
"Must' ad< some connextion with them! Ar ar
Russ: Well, I think I'll move on along to Scoane
MacDorf: It's pronounce SCON, and I will be away to Five.
Russ: That's FIFE! Farewell sir, father
Old Man: God go with you. (quietly) You crawling puke!
(3.1) Audience chamber in the Palace at Forres
Banquet: Thou hast is now, McBath: Thordor, Glamour, crown and all,
As the weird women promised, although I fear thee paid
most fouly for it. (Quietly) Lucky prick.
(Normal voice) But I must temper my knowledge with that
which say I should be the root of many kings. Ooeer!!!
MacBath: Ah, here's our chief guest!
Lady Macbath: Woops, almost forgot him!
MacBath: We've got a beer bash on tonight, if you want to come...
Banquet: No, no, I've got a business do on later tonight...
And I'd better gather the sheep and get the flock out of here,
cos I can't travel at night, the horse's headlights are stuffed
and it hasn't got a warrant
MacBath: So you won't even hang around for the grapefruit surprise?
Banquet: GRAPEFRUIT SURPRISE!!!!, YOU'VE STILL GOT SOME GRAPEFRUIT??!!
MacBath: No, that's the surprise...
Banquet: Oh, in that case, I'll act like a fart and blow...
MacBath: Ok, take care, be careful of Malpaso and Don, those two are
more shit than an election promise, but anyway, we'll
talk more on this on the morrow. You'll be off then?
Banquet: Yes
MacBath: Ah, that's what it is, I thought the carpet was burning...
Well, act like a tree and leave, I'll see you later
[Someone walking away]
[Servant slinking up]
Servant: Sir, there a couple of men without the castle to see you.
MacBath: Of course they are without the castle, I've still got it,
you fool. Bring them in.
(to himself) Right, this is a bit of a rip. I'm right up shit
creek without a toilet seat. I think it's about time to organise
a few lead lozengers for Banquet to take internally...
[2 People entering]
You the two murderers?
1&2 Murderer: Yeah,
You need, they bleed
You pay, we slay
We try, they die
One word, they're turd
MacBath: Nice Ditty! Just the people I'm looking for. What I'm
looking for is someone so thick that they would waste Banquet
and anyone else available, then sit and wait for pursuit and
then blame it on a broken home.
2 Murderer: I am one my leige, to whom such thickness is intelligence.
1 Murderer: And I another, who wouldst sit and exclaim that one plus one
is five
2 Murderer: Well, of course, I would be the one to be such a fool. Why
I once lit a match to see if I had turned the lamp out
1 Murderer: Yes, yes, that I must agree, is stupid, although I perchance
have forgotten until this time to mention that I once locked
my family in a castle and it took me three hours with a
coathanger to get the drawbridge down.
MacBath: That didn't translate very well, did it?
1 Murderer: No, but still, you get my meaning.
MacBath: Know Banquet was your enemy
1&2 Murderers: If your money says so.
MacBath: Yes, but the worst part of it is that he is planning
to figuatively stab me in the back to some of my great
friends, so if you were to get the stabbing done beforehand,
in a not so figurative manner...
1 Murderer: But why should we kill you
MacBath: No, you fool, Banquet
1 Murderer: We shall do, my lord, but now we must take our leave, and there
it is there, having just fallen from that tree
[door opens then closes]
MacBath: Well, he's history.
(3.2) Lady McBath enters with a servant
Lady Macbath: Has Banquet gone?
Servant: Aye mam, but he returns this night
Lady Macbath: Could you please tell the King that I would appreciate the chance of
a chin wag?
Servant: Very good Mam
Lady Macbath: (To herself) Nought's had, All's spent
Where our desire is got without content
Perhaps a mis-take, I have made
We're all out of marmalade...
[Footsteps entering]
How now lord?
MacBath: I am worried my dear. Shouldst we have done what we have?
Were we not happier before? At least we had marmalade then!
I am wracked with doubt on this matter
Lady Macbath: Come now My Lord, not to worry, you see, I am happy.
A brave face for the guests tonight?
MacBath: It's easy for you to say, you are just an accessory, I'm facing
10 to life...
Lady Macbath: You must not trouble yourself, it will be the end of us
MacBath: Tis not the end yet, ask not for whom the bell tolls
Lady Macbath: What is going to happen?!
MacBath: Nothing my dear, best you not know.
(3.3) A steep lane...
1 Murderer: Who did bid thee to join us?
3 Murderer: McBath
2 Murderer: The two timing sod. Well, you needn't expect us to divvy the
loot with you...
[Horses approaching]
1 Murderer: Hark, voices
Banquet: Give us a light ho there!
2 Murderer: (whispered) I'll be giving him more than that in a minute
A light, my friends, a light!
3 Murderer: Tis he
Banquet: Looks like bad weather, I'd kill for a sunny day
1 Murderer: You may have to, ar ar
Banquet: Oh treachery, an Ambush, flee FleaBag
FleaBag: That was a pretty poor pun Father. Look out, Lemon coming your way!!
[Boom!!]
Banquet: Aaaauuurgh!
[Horse galloping away]
1 Murderer: Bugger, one got away.
3 Murderer: Oh well, not to worry, but what is that foul smell?
2 Murderer: Tis nightdress and burnt lemon rind sir...
(3.4) Hall of the palace
------------------
MacBath: Sit, sit, we are all friends here, let us not put on false pomp
and ceremony. My dearest!
Lady Macbath: Please welcome the people for me my husband, as my heart desires.
MacBath: Be seated and merry, I'll be there to sit with you shortly.
1 Lord: Who are you calling shortly, wooden eye?
MacBath: No, no, I shall take up a chair with you all shortly.
1 Lord: So you're calling us ALL shortly Ay, how about stepping outside
for a quick face-stomping?
MacBath: No, no you misunderstand...
[door creaks slightly]
Excuse me..
1 Lord: Piker...
1 Murderer: Psssst
[noise of room fades]
MacBath: (whipers) There's lemon pulp on your face, and a peice of my
wifes second best night gown.
1 Murderer: Twill be from Banquet then, he's daisy pushing material...
MacBath: Looks like he was daisy WEARING material too, the old closet queen.
Good stuff, what about Flea-Bag, is he Maggot material as well?
1 Murderer: I fear he escaped My Lord..
MacBath: YOU bloody fear! I'm up shit creek without a ballpoint!
1 Murderer: Not to worry sire, twill all come out in the Rinse cycle.
MacBath: Yes, yes, thanks, here have some money peasant...
[jingle, noise of room comes back]
MacBath: To health people, to health!
Leppox: May it please your highness sit?
MacBath: Yes, I think I shall, a pity that Banquet has not shown yet;
still..
Leppox: Have a seat sire
MacBath: Where?
Leppox: Why here, where this poxy ghost with lemon mess all over him is
sitting. Come on ghosty, move over and let someone else have a
chair.
MacBath: Oh cruel twisted fate, thou canst not say I topped thee, see,
not a lemon in sight!
Lord 2: What is it, who are you talking to? That poxy ghost?
Lady Macbath: Tis just my husband's humour, come along my dear, A quick Valium
sandwich will do you the world of good
[footsteps leaving]
Are you a man?
MacBath: Aye, and a bold one, see [zzzzziiiipp]
Lady Macbath: What is the matter? All you are staring at is some maggot
infested old ghost. Humbug on the lot of it.
MacBath: As I stand here, I saw him. Twas Banquet's Ghost, come to
haunt me!
Lady Macbath: We must put this aside, your nobel friends do lack you
MacBath: I do forget. And I will tell you another thing, I do forget.
[footsteps entering]
My friends, forgive me, I have a strange affliction, which is
nothing to those who know me, especially Lady MacBath, for it
was her that gave it to me.
Let us drink, love and health to all!
Lords: Our duties, and the pledge!
MacBath: [choking] Agg, would you push off, creeping up on a person
like that
Lady Macbath: Think nothing of it friends, My poor husband is not playing
with a full deck of carrot cards.
MacBath: Away horrible shadow, away!
Ah!, tis gone, I am a man Again.
Lady Macbath: I'm sure we are all relieved, not least of all myself (Ar ar)
But you have upset our guests with this disorder.
MacBath: Should this not be as a summers cloud, quick to pass. For it is
just these terrible pictures
RA: What pictures My Lord?
MacBath: Well, there's that one on the far way, for instance, by Picasso,
years before his birth, that one behind my wife's throne, if
that's a Goldie, I am a queen as Duncan.
Lady Macbath: Please, please my dear
(to others) Can you not let this lie, by the morning my husband
will be more himself.
Leppox: In that case, I bid you good night, Better health to the majesty
on the morrow.
MacBath: A CADBURY moro?!
Lady Macbath: Good and kind night to all.
MacBath: Terrible, terrible, my dear, something seeks vengeance. What
is the time my dear
Lady Macbath: Hang on, [fumble] damn, that wrist clock has stopped again, I
think tis about mid of the night
MacBath: Why do you think MacDorf didst not show?
Lady Macbath: Did you give him an invite?
MacBath: I could have sworn I did, ah well. We must sleep, I have a
big day tomorrow, I must go seek out those hags again
Lady Macbath: You're not going to come home drunk with lipstick all over
you again like the last time you went carousing are you?
Let us to bed.
MacBath: Yes, I suppose you are right
(3.5) A HEATH
1st Witch: Why, how now, Hector, you look mad
Hector: Mad? Me? Never? Who said that? Oh! You! Witchey Poo!
How are the Bugaloos? Oops! I shouldn't have said that should
I? Damnation and Hellfire, I am angry.
Look what you have done to MacBath, the poor man is woven into a
patchy web of petty spite.
1st Witch: 'tis our way, we met him and told him of his destiny.
Hector: Yes, and I noticed you didn't invite me to the party!
Well, he'll be back in the morning, and I want to be in on
the act
[phone ringing]
1st Witch: Hello? .. .. ..
Oh, it's for you
Hector: Yes; I told you never to call me while I was visiting?!
Yes.... Uh-huh.... Can't you handle it... Alright, alright.
I must go, I am called away
[Boing - like Zebedee from Magic roundabout]
1st Witch: Quick, lets get working before she gets back...
(4.1) A cavern
1st Witch: Thrice the cock has crowed
2nd Witch: No you idiot, wrong script, that's the setup for Peter in the Death
of Jesus play.
1st Witch: Oh, shit! Hang on
[Pages being turned rapidly]
1st Witch: Thrice the brindled cat hath mewed
2nd Witch: Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined
1st Witch: Thrice and once? Why didn't you just say four times? And what
the hell's a hedge-PIG?
2nd Witch: (whispered) Shut up!
3rd Witch: Harpier cries:- "Tis time, tis time"
1st Witch: Round and round about the cauldron go,
Where it stops, nobody knows
[Sound of one of those prize wheels going round]
Number thirteen, lucky number thirteen, wins the chicken and the
bottle of wine.
AW: Double, double toil and trouble
Fire burn and and cauldron bubble
[slight bubling noises in backround]
[ding dong doorbell]
1st Witch: Who is there, come into the light and be seen!
Maintenance Man: Maintenance man!
1st Witch: Who?
Maintenance Man: Maintenance man, about your toilet trouble
1st Witch: What toilet trouble?
Maintenance Man: You just said then, Bubble Bubble toilet trouble
1st Witch: I didn't
Maintenance Man: You did!, I heard you. And by the sounds of it
you've got a loose ball cock, (condescendingly)
probably been flushing things down that you shouldn't
have been, tsk tsk
1st Witch: OUT! Before YOU have ball cock problems, fool!
Maintenance Man: Ok, please yourselves, but don't come flying to me
when you're up...
2nd Witch: (Quietly) Little puke.
(Out loud) Fillet of a fenny snake
In the cauldron boil and bake
Eye of newt and toe of frog
[uurrgh from backround]
Wool of bat and tongue of dog
[Muffled coughing in backround]
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting
Lizard's leg and howlets wing
[Someone chundering in the backround]
Sick of witch and turd of rat
This is all and that is that
All: Double, double toil and trouble...
[ding dong doorbell Again]
Maintenance Man: Someone say toilet trouble?
1st Witch: Don't worry sisters, pass me that mandarine.... Hup!
[Booom]
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
3rd Witch: Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf
Witches mummy...
1st Witch: That's where she got to! How are you mummy?!
Witches Mummy: (very muffled) Can I get back to you dear, I'm a little tied up
at the moment
3rd Witch: ... Maw and gulf
Sore of withered sexual part
Cup of puke and sniff of fart
Jar of blood and cup of pus
Make the wind blow away from us
All Witches: Double, double toil and trouble...
[Doorbell Again]
1st Witch: My wand sister...
[Automatic Machine gun fire, followed by dying scream]
All Witches: ...Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
[Zebedee's Boing!]
Hector: Oh, well done, I commend your pains.
And everyone shall share in the gains!
Now that you've finished the party punch,
I really do think you should work on lunch
Sorry girls, poetry took me over and I sped through a verse
1st Witch: You should go slow Hector, or you may lose you poetic license...
Hector: Yes, anyway, this was not just a social call, he approaches...
[Zebedee's boing]
2nd Witch: By the pricking of my thumbs
Something wicked this way comes!
Open, locks
Whomever knocks.
1st Witch: Hold it! You misread that bit, it says "WHOEVER knocks" not
WHOMEVER
2nd Witch: Well, I can't stand bad grammar!
[Clap of thunder, then... Aged voice "Don't put down your elders girly..."]
1st Witch: I'll do it then.
(Loudly) Open locks, whoever knocks!
[Door creaks open]
MacBath: How you secret, black and midnight hags
What is't you do?
All Witches: A deed without a name
MacBath: Ah yes, I noticed the dead maintenance man outside...
I conjure you, by that which you profess, answer me to what I
ask you?
1 Witch: Speak
2 Witch: Demand
3 Witch: We'll answer
MacBath: Who won the world cup in 1066?
1 Witch: Liverpool United
2 Witch: Totternam Hotspur!
3 Witch: You're both wrong, it were the Rovers
1 Witch: What, from Manchester?
3 Witch: No, The Gypsy, you know
(Singing) The gypsy rover came over the hill,
All Witches: (singing too) Down through the valley so shady
[Macbath joins in]
He whistled and he sang,
Till the green woods rang,
And he won the heart of the lady....
MacBath: STOP THIS! This is not what I want!
I need to know the truth
1 Witch: Aye, but would you wager your life on the apparitions?
MacBath: Of course!
1 Witch: Alright, your life and thirty peices of silver
[jingle of coins]
MacBath: Your silver and my wedding ring
[jingle as they hit the ground]
1 Witch: (whispered) Sister, borrow your lucky gold rabbits foot?
(Out loud) That and a gold rabbits foot
[clank]
MacBath: I'll see you
[clank, then thunder]
1 Witch: Damn!
MacBath: (laughing) There's one born every minute
(addressing spirit) Tell me, thou unknown power
1 Witch: He knows thy thought, listen to him, but speech is unneeded, he
hath a form of ESP
MacBath: Extra Sensory Perception?
1 Witch: No, Extra Sensory Perspiration, Pfeeewy!
1 Apparition: McBath, McBath, McBath!
MacBath: Yes, Yes, yes
1 Apparition: Beware McDorf! Beware the Cane of five
MacBath: That's pronouced FIFE, McDorf got it wrong too, so don't take it
to heart
1 Apparition: Dismiss me. Enough!
MacBath: Gee, he took it hard!
But I still need an answer
[Thunder]
2 Apparition: McBath, McBath, McBath!
MacBath: (Quietly) There's a bloody echo in here, I'm sure of it!
A man needs three ears.
2 Apparition: Be bloody, bold and resolute, laugh to scorn
The power of man; for none of women born Shall harm McBath!
MacBath: Hah!
[Thunder]
3 Apparition: Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care who chafes, who frets,
or where conspirers are:
McBath shall never be vanquished till the Great Burnham wood
come to Dunsinane hill, shall come against him.
MacBath: Well, in that case, I'm home and hosed.
What about Banquet's kids ruling, what that just a load of
hogwash?
A Witches: Seek to know no more.
MacBath: Oh come on, givvus a break, just this once???
1 Witch: Show!
2 Witch: Show!
3 Witch: Show!
MacBath: Eight Kings! You were playing with a crooked deck!!! Cheats!!!
1 Witch: Aye, sir, all this is so, but even worse, Banquet's offspring
shall be kings
MacBath: More Kings! What ever happened to a square game of 5 card stud?
1 Witch: It is gone, as with us
[Witches dissappearing sound - woosh]
MacBath: Where have they gone?
[Footsteps approaching]
[Horse galloping noises]
Come in!
Leppox: What's your grace's will?
MacBath: Well, I thought I'd leave the castle to my wife, and the rest to the
Battersea Dogs Home. But didst you see the weird sisters, dressed
in rags, on a broom with four on the floor, crushed velvet exterior?
Leppox: No my lord
MacBath: Came they not by you?
Leppox: No, but I did see what appears to be the remains of a Maintenance man..
MacBath: Well what were those horse noises?
Leppox: Oh, that was just me playing with some coconut shells
But news! MacDorf has fled to England
MacBath: To England!
Leppox: Aye My Leige!
MacBath: (to himself) Hmmm, methinks I should go to his abode and kill
everything that moveth
(out loud) Hand me that basket of Oranges!
"Meanwhile, in the McDorf Household"
Lady McDorf: What hath he done that he hath fled the land?
Russ: You must have patience, madam, He's probably gone to bring back
some scotch, duty free.
Lady McDorf: True, he always was partial to a bottle of our best.
Russ: What did I tell you?
Lady McDorf: But maybe he has another woman or something
Russ: Or something
Lady McDorf: Yes, he was a STRANGE man
Russ: No hassles, it'll work out fine.
Lady McDorf: But what am I to do for a hubby? Hand me that silk purse, I'm
off to do a little shopping.
Russ: That is no way to do it, Husbands are a much better deal at the
Auctions..
Lady McDorf: You're right as always I fear.
Messenger: Telegram for Lady MacDorf
Lady McDorf: What does it say
Messenger: It says, get out now while going is good, STOP. Murderers on
their way, STOP. Faithfully yours, Uuurrrgh!
1 Murderer: Good shot, right between the shoulder blades
2 Murderer: Where is your husband Lady McDorf?
Lady MacDorf: Nowhere you'll find him creep!
1 Murderer: He is a traitor!
Son of MacDorf: You lie, pox scrapings!
1 Murderer: Call me pox scrapings will you, Knob nose
Son of MacDorf: Uuuuurg!
I'm done for mother, save yourself!
Lady MacDorf: I've been saving myself for years!
MURDER murder . . . .
(4.3) England
Malpaso: Tis McBath, is it not, who is behind this treachery
McDorf: Yes, I have lost my hopes of a happy end to this...
Malpaso: Tis terrible!
(Happy voice) Still we've always got our health
McDorf: (coughing) Yes, you're right
Malpaso: But I don't know what to do. I do not wish to be King, I'm
not the right person, I want to marry a commoner!
McDorf: A commoner!
[Footsteps coming from afar]
Ah, but perhaps we may see King Eddie the confessor!
[Footsteps stop here]
Goes the King forth?
Doctor: No, fifth, but it was a very close race.
MacDorf: But will we be able to see him?
Doctor: I am unsure
MacDorf: Oh, I see, but..
Russ! Here, come hither and tell us of the horrors of home.
Russ: Every day brings another. And for thee McDorf, many troubles...
MacDorf: Give it to me straight I can take it!
Russ: Oooerr! No, thy family hath been slaughtered!
MacDorf: Children too?
Russ: Everyone, all that were within the castle.
MacDorf: Not my pet sheep, WOOLLY!!!
Russ: I'm afraid so, looked like it got an orange in the forehead
at two paces.
MacDorf: Oh foul cure to take from me that which was most precious!
Poor, poor Woolly.
Malpaso: Grieve thee not, just let this add fuel to your anger.
Let us to the King and then away to slay this fiend McBath!
(5.1) Dunsinane
Doctor: Now what's all this about sleepwalking.
Gentlewoman: (quietly) She goeth every night, unlock the closet, write
something, read it and seal it, then return abed. All in
her sleep!
Doctor: Hmm, this sounds serious. You have tried professional
application of sledgehammer?
Gentlewoman: (quietly) Everything sir. Here she cometh now! See, asleep!
Lady Macbath: Out damned spot, Out I say! Who would have thought the old
man to need more than the one grapefruit? What of the Thane
of Five's wife?
Gentlewoman: That's pronounced FIFE!
Lady Macbath: Oh, sorry.
The smell of lemons, will it never leave me?
Doctor: There is a heart sorely troubled. She waited to be told..
Gentlewoman: Told?
Doctor: She needs Palmolive Hold
But her ailment is beyond me to cure.
Lady Macbath: Wash hands, wash. Look not so, Banquet's buried, he cannot
come to haunt us. To bed, to bed..
Gentlewoman: She be off to bed now
Doctor: I will be off then, take two mandarines and I'll come to see
you in the morning
Gentlewoman: Yes doctor
[two small booms]
(5.2) County near dunsidane
Monteith: The poms are coming, the poms are coming!!
Argus: Yes, we should meet them on Burnum wood
Monteith: Oh (disappointed) I thought we were going to kill a few?
Leppox: No sire, tis MacBath that we are after
Monteith: True enough. What does the Tyrant?
Caithness: Dunsidane he fortifies, some say him mad, some say in roth, while
others say he just lacks a bit of citric acid and vitiman C
Monteith: I see. We'd better bring some black currant juice then,
(Speaking as if reading off a promo) as that is the best source
of vitamin C, and it won't rot your dental work, right Miss March
Caithness: That's MRS MARSH.
Monteith: You stick to your magazines, I'll still to mine!
Caithness: Yes, they do look more than a little sticky sir..
Monteith: But what of the curse MacBath?
Argus: Now doth he feel the secret murders sticking on his hands
Monteith: Not necessarily, these used to be his magazines you see
Argus: No, his castle is against him, there is no love to be lost between
him and those he commands.
Monteith: Then they won't be missing him will they? Hah!, I think he will
wish he could say the same for my sword!
(5.3) Dunsinane
MacBath: Bring me no reports! It cannot be, twas as the ugly ones told
me, No man of woman born can have power o'er me!
[footsteps]
What is it, you white faced poofter?
Servant: Th-th-there is ten thousand
MacBath: Lemons?
Servant: Soldiers, sir
MacBath: Whose?
Servant: Poms sir, I thought they were cats at first sir, but the whining
was too loud.
MacBath: I see; Begone! (to himself) What am I to do about this, SATON!
I win or I die, not much choice really. Hmm
[footsteps]
Saton: You called sir?
MacBath: What news more?
Saton: Tis all true as you have heard, sire
MacBath: I'll fight down to the last lemon. Get me my citris proof armour!
Saton: Tis not needed yet sire
MacBath: Give it me anyway!
Doctor, how goes your patient, my loopy wife??
Doctor: Not so much sick sire, as she's a few bats short in the belfry
MacBath: Always knew the old bag was prime for the dribbling academy!
Cure her then man!
Doctor: I do believe that she is a bit beyond my help..
MacBath: Never mind. Saton! Help me with this armour.
Do not you fear of death and Bane
Till Burnam come to Dunsinane
Doctor: Oh, here it comes now sire.... Look, see
MacBath: (disgustedly) Shit!
(5.4) County near Birnum
Malpaso: Cousins, I hope, the days are near at hand that chambers will
be safe from citrus fruit.
Monteith: We don't doubt
Siward: What wood is this before us?
Mon: That's no wood, that's Birnam Orchards, pick your own.
Malpaso: Let every soldier pick there own - TREE, and we'll sneak up on
the castle that way, just like in dad's army
Siward: It shall be done.
Malpaso: Let us march then!
(5.5) Dunsinane
MacBath: Hang out our banners, let us prepare for war! They'll never
take this castle, fortified by the best...
[scream in the backround]
What was that?
Saton: A scream my lord
MacBath: Yes you fool, but what is it?
Saton: An exclamation of surprise, fear, or strong emotion!
MacBath: Shut up you fool, what happened?
[door opens and slams, whispering]
Saton: Tis your wife my lord, she is no more!!!
MacBath: BUGGER! I KNEW I should have paid my insurance premiums!
{} Twas before the danger period of her life as well, I could
have made a killing (ar ar) Still!
Messenger: Telegram for the king! Telegram for the king!
MacBath: Well, what is it?
Messenger: The birnam wood be on the move STOP Tough luck STOP
MacBath: Who sent it?
Messenger: No idea sir, it was COD too, so that will be half a crown.
MacBath: Half a crown!!! I'm still wearing it, wait around till later
Besides, I knew it already, the doctor told me. Let's have
a quick peek from the battlements
[clip clopping up stone steps]
Yep, that's Birnam wood alright, I'd recognize those grapefruit
trees anywhere. Sound the alarm!
[fire bell]
The bloody battle alarm, not the fire alarm
(5.6) Dunsinane
Malpaso: Now near enough, throw down your camoflage, plant them over
there somewhere, when this is over, I'll want a little rockery
over there, so this can be the orchard.
Siward: Just as you say sire.
MacDorf: The trumpets, the trumpets! Let our trumpets speak!
[Sally Army songs]
Oh good grief, wrong army!!
Sally Army Girl: Good luck in your battle against evil sir, would you
like to buy a War Cry, whatever you can afford...
[money tin shaking]
MacDorf: Quickly, get rid of these people and bring up the army!
(5.7) MacBath comes from the catle
MacBath: They have tied me, I cannot escape. Which one of you bastards
was not born of a woman?
Siward: Your name?
MacBath: Heasuis Greasehead, Cook and General lacky to the King of the
Castle
Siward: No you're not, YOU'RE the dirty rascal!! En Guarde'
MacBath: That's hardly fair, I'm tied up and weaponless and you've got
a sword.
Siward: Well, I suppose you're right, you know, I never thought...
[Boom]
MacBath: Ar ar, works every time, tell em you're defenceless and then
heave a quick mandarine down the jockstrap...
One down, 9,999 to go
MacDorf: Tyrant! Show thy face!
MacBath: There it is, see, the one that looks exactly like Siward
MacDorf: Hah!
Siward: The battle's all but over sire, we may as well take Macbath now.
Malpaso: We have met with many foes.. Let us enter the castle.
(5.8) Macbath returns
MacBath: Buggered if I'm going to fall on my sword, I could hurt myself!
(MacDorf enters)
MacDorf: TURN, HELL HOUND, TURN! ...then do they hokey-cokey...
MacBath: Ah, MacDorf, glad you could make it, I saw your wife the
other day, but bugger me, I dropped one of my oranges, and
that was that, ar ar
MacDorf: I have no words, though my sword will speak my hatred and
vengeance
[swords crashing through the following conversation]
MacBath: You cannot kill me you know, I'm safe from all but one not born
of a woman.
MacDorf: Nyaha! That's it, you may not know, but i was a TEST TUBE BABY!!!
Look out, behind you!
MacBath: What?! There's nothing th...
[Booooooom, then quiet]
Malpaso: I say MacDorf, bloody good shot with that, Tangelo!
MacDorf: Yes, but he did fall for the oldest trick in the book...
Malpaso: You mean... Sandpaper Sally?
MacDorf: Shut up you fool! Not that sort of trick
Messenger: Can I have my half crown now?
(5.9) Parte, The End
Malpaso: I would the friend we miss were safe arrived
Siward: Some must go off, and yet I see the day was cheaply bought
Malpaso: Yes, it was a special at Marks and Spencers, 4 pounds 3
shillings..
Russ: Your son, My lord, snuffed it.
Siward: Then he is dead?
Russ: Ay, sir, Mandarine in the head.
Siward: Well, then, he died a Soldier! That make me feel so much
better. Had I more sons, it would do my heart proud to see
them get killed in battle, as there is nothing as noble as
getting wasted because someone else is to important to fight
for themselves.
MacDorf: Looky! On the end of my pole, MacBath's head. Malpaso's turn
to be King!
All: Hail King of the Castle, Malpaso
Malpaso: And you're the dirty Rascals!
Ahem. Well; Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking,
I would like to...
[booom]
Siward: Oh no, the king is dead!!!
MacDorf: Oh dear, that means I will take over for a little while...
Siward: You cannot, tis still the time for...
[boom]
MacDorf: Shit! Did it again!
THE END