So I'm STILL trying to score, but I haven't been doing so well lately, the clubs I go to have an 8 drink minimum before you're allowed onto the dance floor (which is my BIG scoreground), so by the time I whack down 8 treble Jack Daniels and Ouzo (If you're going to drink, you may as well do it properly) I'm usually so pissed I get dance prizes for just trying to walk across the floor.
Anyway, I spot this chick (or, as I prefer to call them, chick) and decide to run her through the old pickup process. Only been known to fail 3 times. So far.
I get a couple of drinks for me, a couple of stiff ones for her, then think bugger it, may as well get her drinks as well, and make my way over to her table as fast as I can. A couple of hours later I get there and she's looking up at me with those cute baby blues, and I know it's going to be a night to remember. I sit down beside her and knock back my drinks like a pro. I assess my chances and knock back her drinks as well - at least I KNOW I'm going to be sleeping with ME tonight.
Time for my line.
"Hi there foxy-pants, love-momma, wet-dream-beauty, suck-me-suck-me, take me to the river, drop me in the water, fuck-me-harder, oh-I'm coming, Is it in?, pump it pump it nice and HARD, sex goddess, woman of experience; WANNA ROOT? "
She smiles at me in the way some woman have, like the way Sister Juliana used to before she'd cattle prod me in the genitals with her shop-modified prod. (Rumour had it that it was one of those over-voltage models that were too dangerous to use on cows)
Anyway, she smiles and my testicles start a pre-pain scream, but it's Ok, I back off so she can't hit me like all the other girls in my life. (Why the hell did Sister Juliana have the middle name MARY anyway. There wasn't anything merry about that mad old pop rivet!)
"Can I get you something?" the mean, nasty girl who thinks I'm a sex fiend says.
"Uh let's see;
"Helen of Troy working it like a trooper" (on VHS)
"Muff Mother from Hell"
"Teenage Virgin Hacksaw Party"
"The last American State Trooper does Dallas"
"How I sucked my way into the Senate, AKA the Kennedy Story"
"Piss off, Jerk" she says, in a most unkind manner.
"Right. Playing Hardball are we? Check these out for har.."
Didn't even see it coming.
Later, on the way to hospital with a field dressing on the remains of my groin, I couldn't help but think of Sister Juliana and those starched collars.
Oh, those starched collars...