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Still Under Construction - It's a complicated topic
Introduction
Okay. Rugby is a bloody complex game, and one of the cornerstones of our society. It's something that a bloke has to enjoy. Why, you may ask? Don't ask! Does a bloke ask you why you need so many sets of bloody clothes? Does a bloke ever ask why he can't have steak and chips for dinner every night of his life? Does a bloke ever ask why the hell you watch Oprah and buy all those weird Womens mags which are full of lies? Of course he doesn't!. Unless you use his money to buy them of course! But apart from that, a Bloke knows that certain things just ARE. Which is why he likes Rugby, and lots of it.
The Object of the Game
The object of the game is simple, for our team to "score" as many "tries" as possible, and if they're not able to score tries, to score "field goals". And to stop the opposition doing the above.
The Object of Spectating
The object of spectating is a manyfold one - To equal the world record for consecutive drinking, shouting "Shit Ref, Ya Blind Bastard!" and "YOU LITTLE BEAUTY!" whilst simultaneously wishing you were fit enough to get on the field in the first place. From your armchair.
Questions
My bloke wants to take me to the Rugby. Should I go?
Of Course Not! He REALLY wants to take his best mate but he's probably just remembered that it was your birthday six weeks ago and he's trying to be thoughtful. What a good bastard. You should make him a Steak and Cheese Pie for when he gets home from the match boozed to bits.
No, he really wants me to go!
So your birthday was 1 YEAR and six weeks ago. He must be feeling really bad. Two Steak and Cheese Pies would be nice. From the Service Station, because they've got the really good recipe.
What's a scrum?
A Scrum is where a collection of players form an interlocked triangle shape, which then interlocks with the opposition's triangle shape along the front edge. Once interlocked, this is called a scrum. A ball is placed into the scrum and both sides attempt to hook the ball out or force the opposition back so fast that they can't hook the ball out. The scrum is typically won by the side the puts the ball in.
Oh, I understand
We were only joking. A scrum is one of the places where differences between players on opposing teams are worked out without the tedious intervention of the referee. The scrum goes down, the ref's attention gets diverted for a second, a fist or knee comes up, and resolution is achieved, without the completely unnecessary calling of a Penalty.
I get it now. So it's just part of normal play
Of course. Unless it was one of our side who was hit, especially if it was in view of the cameras but not the ref or touch judge etc, in which case it is one of the most shameless fouls ever to curse the game, and the offender concerned should be taken to the sideline and pelted with rotten vegetables.
So what's a line-out then?
That's when the ball goes off the side of the field and has to be chucked back in. Each of the teams sends some players to form a line next to the opposition's team at the side of the field. Then a player from the team that did NOT knock the ball out throws the ball down the middle of the two lines without hint of prejudice.
So the throw in is always done fairly
You really are green, aren't you? Of course it's not bloody fair! If it was FAIR it wouldn't be very bloody sporting would it?! If it was FAIR, we wouldn't be playing to WIN - we'd be playing to DRAW. (Just in case you're wondering, we play to win - that's why it's called SPORT) That's why one of our team goes "Look Ref - Elvis" just as the ball is thrown straight to him. (Or, if the other team is throwing in, just as he punches his opposing player in the nuts.)
What this offside rule again?
The offside rule is one which is changed every few months or so, so that bad Refs can interpret it to the advantage of the opposition and the disadvantage of our team. Good Refs however, are up to date and use it fairly, like when the opposition is offside.
What happened to Buck?
You had to bring that up didn't you? How the hell do we know? There he was - a legend in his own half-time; then he was deselected. We heard all the rumours - a bit of biffo off field, some nasty words, space aliens abducting the selection team for their own evil purposes and replacing them with replicas that wouldn't know a line-out call if it appeared on their dinner menu. We know. A real bloody tragedy for all concerned. Let's just try to live on and not think about it.
Who's our greatest opposition?
Well, opinion varies depending on who you talk to and the year concerned. At one time it was said to be the Springboks, At one time the Aussies, At one time Laurie Mains and/or Grizz Wiley. It's hard for us to give you a definitive answer, especially when you've been given all of the above opinions at the public bar prior to the match. A basic rule of thumb is it's whoever the TV presenter says it is - and he should know as he's paid to sit in the public bar...
So why do you get so pissed off at your players?
The term You useless bastard! is a form of encouragement from a spectator to a player. Doubly so, should that player happen to notice the said spectator and meet him in a dark alley at a moment subsequent to the game. It is not meant to denote anger or disappointment, and is replaced with "YOU LITTLE BEAUTY!" at the very next opportunity.
Should I play women's rugby?
It depends. Do you think you'd like to be called "You useless bastard!" occasionally? Of course, dropping a crate of your handbrake's beer every once in a while might reduce the chances of these words ever being spoken, but you should still give it a moment's thought..
Glossary
- Bastards The other team when they're winning. Also known as Bloody Bastards, Bloody Cheating Bastards, Bloody Cheating Bastards who couldn't find GROUND if the Ref wasn't on their side, etc
- Field Goal A less glorious way of scoring, where the ball is kicked thru the space above the goal-post crossbar.
- Lions The name given to the UK Rugby Team. See Also "Bastards"
- Maul See Scrum
- Score Like at the pub, but MUCH MORE IMPORTANT IF WE'RE PLAYING THE AUSSIES
- Scrum A dangerous place to be if the opposition doesn't like you. See Also "Maul"
- Springbok The name given to the South African Rubgy Team. See Also "Bastards"
- Try What we score when we carry the ball over the opposition's Try-Line (The line where there goal posts are) and Press the ball to the ground
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