There's nothing in the world like a Bloke's Mum. And that's the complete truth. The handbrake might aspire to, and after 10 or so years of subservient apprenticeship even come close to, Bloke-Mumdom, but she'll never know the true worth of a bloke's mum.
But it's only because she doesn't know that a Bloke's Mum is a versatile all-rounder. Sure, in time she might become *A* bloke's mum, but not the same as Her Bloke's Mum.
Freud postulated that secretly boys desire their mother in the back of their minds, and that this desire is carried on into manhood. Blokes refute this claim, because they know that A Freud was a sick, perverted bugger who needed a good 10 minutes at the bottom of a rugby maul to get his mind right, B He wouldn't last ten seconds alone with Mum and the jam spoon after saying something like that, and C It's the kitchen that blokes want their Mum, helping the handbrake get recipes so that they taste right.
Blokes like to make their handbrakes feel wanted, so before they decide to whip up a shepherd's pie treat, they ask their handbrake what they should put in it. Then they listen considerately, nod their head a couple of times, then get on the phone to Mum to make sure that she got it right. If she didn't get all the ingredients in the right amount etc, they might pass a hint or two, purely for the handbrake's peace of mind, about where she went wrong. A bloke's good that way, always trying to help.
Other things the handbrake might trip up on (and so needs a little guidance from Mum on) are: how to make a bed properly, what sort of base to put in a cheesecake, where to find the best food, what colour the wallpaper should be, what sort of wedding dress to buy, etc. For these the Bloke will offer to take her 'round home for a couple of lessons from the pro'. Mum's been doing that stuff for years, so obviously the handbrake would appreciate a couple of pointers from someone who's been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and had a couple of the slices of the pie (cooked at 150 degrees centigrade, top shelf of the oven, for 35 minutes - no more; left to cool for an hour and sliced in standard-mum clock formation with the sharp knife in the second to top drawer - no not that one, it's for sponges - yes, that one).
Mum's can put up with anything - they're true heros. Mum will be laughing away at Bruce Forsythe (nobody's bloody perfect!) when her son will pop home with six or seven of the lads because they were on that side of town. And they're pissed. Quicker than you can think "Shit she used to make the best bloody macaroni cheese this side of the Hautapu turnoff" she's whacked a plate of beans and 2 slices of toast down in front of everyone and threatened them all with a wooden spoon in case anyone thinks of saying "Eating is Cheating!"
A Bloke's Mum always has the spare room ready in case he wants to come back home for a year or two to save money. As long as he doesn't think he's going to bring the handbrake around for hop-ons or not come home for dinner without calling in first. If so, he'll receive the "This is not a boarding house" speech, closely followed by a Blokes apology which is then accepted with the traditional extra-big slice of macaroni cheese.
Bloke's Mums can also teach blokes a thing or two to help them in later life,
especially in his single years, before he appoints a permanent handbrake.
However, Mum's can sometimes go a bit overboard and want to prepare their
sons for activities which are niether blokey, nor appropriate. On these
occasions a bloke would, of course, politely shake his head and mention
that that sort of thing really isn't his bag, thanks all the same. A couple
of pointers for the confused are listed below.
Things a Bloke's Mum should teach a bloke
Bloke's rules about the other sex in general do not apply to Bloke's mums.