How a Bloke Drives a Bloke's Car

Driving is an operation very close to a Bloke's Heart. If he's in the townie car (the V8) then of course he'll be on his best behaviour and hoping to make a good impression. He'll be wearing his dress-black-singlet and the reserve pair of RedBand boots without the cowpat polish.

Important Tips
Bear in mind these simple rules when driving.

• The arm is always hanging out the drivers window. All times of the year. A Kiwi-Bloke Driver can be detected in any crowd because of the difference in tans of his left and right arms.
• The driver's window being down, it is a simple procedure to yell "Mate!" to anyone a bloke happens to recognise whilst driving.
• Similarly, the Horn is always in Standby Mode in case you see someone you recognise or you are trapped behind some nervous learner driver who will crap themselves at the sound of premium Holden Horns. Woopsy.
• The stereo is on, not loud enough so that you can't hear if the V8's running a bit rough, but loud enough that you can't hear the handbrake going on about how her mum should be in the back seat and the dog in the boot, not vice versa. That way you're not tempted to say "I thought she was". No need to have a domestic while you're enjoying yourself
• Blokes don't adjust their face in the rear view mirror. That's posing. (See "Taking a Leak" for more info)
• Real Blokes don't shave in the rear view mirror either, it's too dangerous to have an axe floating around when you're driving.
• A Bloke always obeys the road laws. Except for the one about reversing repeatedly into the boy racer behind you who leant on the horn of his mother's car once too often.
• A Bloke laughs derisively at Petrol Heads who have to pull over to show each other their chrome-plated inlet manifold. However, it is perfectly acceptable for a bloke to show another bloke what a damned good job he made of the mods to the steering rack..
• Parking is an important thing to get right. The aims of parking are to get close enough to the entrance of the New World Supermarket so that you don't pop your rivet carrying those six cases of baked beans and the pallet of bog paper back to the car on grocery day. For this reason the trusty Holden has a sump that can handle the odd traffic island or kerb should an emergency park be necessary. It is important to check, however, that there is not the six-foot diameter black puddle on the ground when you pull away..
• Parking meters are a pain in the arse as well, but a problem that can be easily overcome if your backing skills aren't what they should be (hint, hint). It is then a simple matter to write to the council and say that you thought the meter was broken when it was laying on the ground like that. And that you didn't want to give yourself a hernia trying to put coins into it to see if it worked...
• Sometimes it will be necessary to overtake another vehicle, especially on Sundays when the older townies are on day-release from the old-folks home. To overtake in safety, you should give the poor old bugger plenty of time to react by hitting the airhorns about 10 seconds before you start your maneuvour, and keeping them on until a couple of seconds after. Believe me, they appreciate the warning and quite often pull over for a little lie-down because they're so happy.
• Road Works are an important hazard to be on the look out for. As soon as you hit some really bad road works, you'll immediately realise that it's exactly like driving down the access road during winter when they've just chucked the gravel down. Beware that to townie drivers this is unknown territory and they're liable to do anything. If it's tourist season, be doubly aware because they'll do anything too, but probably all at once.

• Learner Drivers
• Bastards wearing hats, especially bowling hats
• Tourists, all kinds
• Old people (See also "Bastards wearing hats")
• Non-Blokes