The Bloke and the Car

Perhaps the most important thing in a blokes life is his car. Except, of course, for his ute. And the Massey Fergusson. Oh, and the chainsaw. A crate of Red is probably up there somewhere as well, as is the Motorbike and the Red-Band gumboots.
ANYWAY, up there near the top is the trusty car, and nothing pains a bloke more than seeing some other bloke in a crap car. Sure, he could be putting a bit of spade work in by driving the handbrake to the shops so she can get a few personals like some window cleaner and a new pot, but still, it's a minor personal tragedy for any Bloke to see another bloke in a crap car. Because they know it's the thin end of the wedge.

Imitation Blokes don't MIND driving crap cars. Sometimes they even say they prefer their racey little runabout because it has better cornering, handling and pickup than a heavy, thirsty battlecruiser.

But ask yourself one question:
When you miss the gate by four feet because you're busy cranking up the volume on "Pink Floyd's Loudest Hits", and instead clip that stop sign, slide along the footpath for 20 metres, run down the neighbour's neighbour's front hedge (and cat - woopsy!), plow through their frontage and end up halfway through the passenger side of their pristine, newly-washed Honda Accord... Are you going to want to be in a 'nippy' vehicle with the tensile strength of damp cardboard, or are you going to want to be behind the wheel of a Holden Kingswood - made of Metal - Real Metal that rusts without letting light through - metal that only dents after several blows of a sledgehammer?

Just ask yourself. If you get the wrong answer, ask again. Keep it up till you get it right. Then think about what a Bloke's Car Hell is like...

A Bloke's Idea of Car Hell

• A Hillman Avenger.
• Any Skoda
• Any Lada
• A Fiat Ugo
• Any car with more or less than 4 wheels.
• Small Cars
• An ORANGE, AUTOMATIC, Hillman Hunter, on CNG with sheepskin steering wheel and seat covers, one of those fresh-air dispensors, fluffy dice, an AM radio (locked onto the Classical Music Station and unable to be turned off or down), with several "Women's Weeklys" in the back window.
• And worse than all those... An Austin Princess. And some poor bastards DO own them. Sure, their mates try to help them out by leaving a sturdy length of rope next to the poor bastard's shower rail, or, if they're really good mates, towing the vehicle out to the country for a bit of permanent 'maintenance', but there's a lot of Princess's still out on the road, and no-one's going to forget you used to have one - not even when you're 103, sitting in the public bar of the local and there's only ONE of your mates still alive and the prick STILL laughs when the subject of vehicles comes up..

What a Blokes Car Should be like

• V-Something. 6 or 8 hopefully. A Jag V12 is a bit pretentious and would probably not make it down to the milking shed when you're racing one of your siblings at the family barbie. A Straight is OK if it's 6+, but a 4 cylinder is lacey panty material.
• Not Pink
• Column Change is preferable, and not just because it's a Holden standard but also because you wouldn't want to make the mistake of reaching for a stick-shift and touching your mate's knee by mistake. There'd be no way to explain it and you'd have to go live in the Third World (the South Island) for the rest of your miserable life.
• A Bloke's vision is not obscured by fluffy dice, Sheepskin steering wheel covers, carpet dashboard covers, air fresheners or suchlike. A clear screen to see all of the road and enough of the sky to see if you need to put the fuse back in the window wipers is all that's needed.
• Crushed Velvet, Ornament, Perfume - FREE. (A Beer Sticker is not an ornament; it is a religious Icon)
• A bloke always has a crate of beer, a set of clippers and some toothpaste in case he gets invited to an impromptu stag-do.
• A Real Bloke's boot contains the following:
  • At least 17 Screwdrivers - one for every day of the week, with spares
  • A Sidchrome Socket Set
  • A Stanley Knife
  • A Tow-Rope (for when the handbrake leaves her light on and most definitely NOT because the V8 is unreliable. It just needs a little bit of TLC now and then)
  • Two Hammers, a claw hammer for day to day operations and a heavy Ball Peen hammer for working on the car.
  • A spotlight, in case Possum Shooting comes up in conversation
  • An Axe
  • Reserve Pair of Overalls, in case you get invited to a wedding or some other formal occasion.
  • A length of Number 8 Wire and a set of pliers.
  • A couple of fence posts and some fencing nails
  • A couple of things that were in the car when you bought it that you haven't got around to chucking away yet.