Bloke's Answers to Handbrake's Questions
*WARNING* PRINT THIS PAGE AND KEEP IT IN YOUR WALLET. IN TIMES OF NEED,
FAKE A COUGHING FIT, WITHDRAW THE DOCUMENT, AND READ THE APPROPRIATE
ANSWER. PRACTISE THIS MOVE SO IT SEEMS NATURAL. DO NOT, EVER, EVER,
ADMIT YOU HAVE THIS DOCUMENT. FOR SECURITY PURPOSES, KEEP A PHOTO OF
THE HANDBRAKE'S SISTER IN YOUR WALLET WHERE IT WILL BE DISCOVERED PRIOR
TO THIS DOCUMENT. INSTRUCTIONS ON WHAT TO DO ONCE THE PHOTO IS FOUND
ARE BELOW. ENSURE THAT THE PAPER YOU PRINT THIS ON IS NOT COATED WITH
ANY TOXIC SUBSTANCE OR MADE OF SOME FIBROUS MATERIAL THAT WILL PREVENT IT
FROM BEING EATEN OR FLUSHED SHOULD YOU BECOME CORNERED!.
Ok, now the warnings are over, here's the important stuff. Sooner or later
you're going to be asked difficult questions - you know it. The best thing
to do is prepare for them to avoid a possible domestic disturbance...
Below are some questions, and their suggested answers. Read them and
memorise them if you can.
What's this photo of my sister doing in your wallet?!?!
(Nonchalantly) Oh that. I kept it because of the family resemblance and
you never want me to take your photo. (NOW EAT THE PAPER, YOU BROWNNOSER!)
Do you think she's pretty?
No
You're lying, you must think she's pretty!?
No
Now I know you're lying! Why don't you just admit she's pretty?
APPROPRIATE ANSWERS:
- Because she's not. You know I'm not attracted to the young, blonde, firm
breasted-and-buttocked aerobics instructor type. They're all muscle and no
heart. I thought you knew that
- (Annoyed) You sound like you WANT me to be attracted to her! Is that what
you want? If it makes you happy I'll say it, but it's not the truth. Do
you WANT me to lie to you? (NOW STORM OFF UNTIL THE WOODY SUBSIDES!)
INAPPROPRIATE ANSWERS:
- Yes
- Not really
- Who?
- Well - not *pretty* as such
- Not as pretty as you (She'll know you're brown-nosing)
- OWWWWWwwwwwwWWWWWWGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrr!
Do you love me?
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Yes
INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Yes. Now shutup and get some sleep
Was your last girlfriend better in bed than me?
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: HELL NO!
INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Only during sex
Is there anything about me that I could improve?
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: No
INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Anything Else
Do you think we should get married?
BEST RESPONSE: Yes, but not until my Best Man gets off on Parole. Shouldn't be much longer unless he kills his appeal lawyer again..
NEXT BEST RESPONSE: No
WORST RESPONSE: Yes
Can I drive your car?
BEST RESPONSE: Well, not while the brakes are like they are
NEXT BEST RESPONSE: No
INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Not while breath and beer flows through my body!
Dad would like to help you lay your concrete driveway so that you get
it right this time...
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Nah, that's ok, I think I remember his pointers from
last time.
INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Tell him to get fucked.
EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Tell him ok, but give me a couple of hours
to dig a two by two by six-foot trench in the middle of it.
What do you think of my new hair-style?
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: It's great. It makes a real difference doesn't it.
INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Have you got a new hair style?
VERY INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: You PAID someone to do that to you?
EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Yeah, I think you should get one
Aren't XXX's kids cute?
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: No
INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Anything that sounds remotely positive
These photos of mum at the beach have come out really well haven't they?
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Yes
INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: BEACH!?!! I THOUGHT THEY WERE DAVE'S SAFARI PHOTOS!
ANOTHER INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Yes, but it's true what they say about the camera adding 2000 pounds isn't it?