Dear Murry the CONsultant,

Why is it that small market radio stations don't pay squat?

Stuck in Biloxi

Dear Stuck;

You've got that all WRONG bubbola, small market stations DO pay SQUAT! That's what they are there for! Where do you think you are? New York? You're in Mississippi, which in the ancient Native American language translates to: "There's no money here; now go marry your sister."

As a CONsultant, I view small markets like Biloxi as a place to punish air-talent when they break the CONsultants rules (shut-up & push the buttons); even when they do well in the ratings.... ESPECIALLY when they prove that doing the opposite of what the CONsultant wants is successful! THAT we cannot have in radio. The results of that would be higher pay for the air-talent and lower pay for the CONsultant -- OY! IT WOULD BE A NIGHTMARE! Imagine radio with NO CONsultants.... no, forget I said that.

Since you are in Biloxi, you are either a beginner or you must have pissed someone off in a larger market and have been sent there to "get seasoning" (CONsultant term for "he's too creative for us"). I have a 4-color bar-graph which explains all this, and you may have it for $9.95.

One thing you CAN do in a small market is to play CONsultant yourself. Since you will be surrounded by lots of guys named Maynard and Billy-Joe, you can easily confuse them with big words and terms such as "Arbitron" and "Total Service Area".

Go to the local print shop (if there is one) and create some large colorful pie-charts and graphs. Tack them on the wall and attach meaning to them. What meaning? Any meaning that is convenient! Remember, as a new CONsultant, you can make up your own definitions. As soon as the next ratings period comes out, juggle some numbers and send them to bigger cities claiming success with your "NEW & IMPROVED RADIO CONSULTANT METHOD OF SUCCESS". Someone will buy into it and fly you out for a meeting. At that meeting, you immediately suggest firing some poor sap and replacing him with you. BINGO! You're in a bigger market already! And you did absolutely NOTHING to improve your old station! In fact, you may have actually done fatal harm to your old station, but what does THAT matter? You are now a CONsultant! This is known as "The CONsultant's success track": i.e., sink the ship, grab the only lifeboat and paddle to a bigger ship!

Remember the CONsultant's credo #32, which reads "The only important thing in radio is paying YOU the CONsultant!"

Your name isn't Maynard, is it?


Murray The CONsultant

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