Subject: we need a CONsultancy Date: Sun, 20 Oct 96 02:26:03 -0700 From: Radio San Marco Centrale
To: email@example.com We have this big problem: our radio has been saled off. What do you suggest us to do? PD and all the staff. Radio San Marco Centrale - Venezia Francesco Dardi
DEAR PD AND THE STAFF:
Your station has been "saled?" Sailed off to where? Ha-ha, that's a little CONsultant joke there, bubbola. First of all, I apologize for my absence the last 3 weeks. I was using someone else's station budget to take an island vacation.....er-- I mean to attend an important.... uh.... programming conference in Hawaii-- I mean... er.... in Ohio. Yeah. Ohio. I can show you charts and graphs from the CONference if you like. I always like to keep a few C&G's handy.
Your station must have been sold for a rea$on. If your staion was sold off for a profit due to the success you and your staff earned by doing quality air work, then I CONsult the station owner to take all the credit for success, bank the profits and ignore the loyal air staff (he can always buy another cheaper air staff from a smaller market). If your station was sold at a loss, I CONsult the owners to blame the air staff and file chapter 11. It's kind of like the New York Yankees baseball team; when the team wins, the coach takes credit; when they lose, the coach blames the players. Only the listening public knows better, and since I'm a radio CONsultant, what do I care what they think? Can THEY make pretty C&G's? No! Can they get someone else to fund their vacation to the islands? No! Oy! Forget I said "vacation". Remember, the "public" doesn't know bupkus!
Now, Meshugginah, let's get down to business; that's what I say. Find out who the new owners are. Make a nice 8-color pie-chart demonstrating just how fantastic you and your air staff have done in the past. Also print up many pages of statistics which are in too-small print to read. On these two documents you can put in ANY variables you want, ANY numbers you feel appropriate, and attach ANY meaning you feel will wow the new management. You see, bubby, typical radio management is easily fooled by such rigamarole.... I do it all the time! Just show them pretty cartoons and lots of confusing data and they will be amazed! It's kind of like showing a little baby a light-up-wind-up toy on Christmas morning. They'll be mesmerized! And they'll think you are another Einstein!
Remember the CONsultant's credo #13, which reads: OBFUSCATION IS A MUCH PRETTIER WORD THAN LYING.
Good Luck, Let me know what happens!
Murray the CONsultant
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