Dear Murry the CONsultant,

My GM is determined to run this radio station on a shoestring. We worry about payroll checks bouncing. He won't give us any money for billboards, TV, promotions or anything! How can I compete with no budget? What do I do now?

Desperate In Detroit.

Dear Desperate;

Oy! Quit your kvetching already; I'm getting a headache! I don't think your GM is doing the wrong thing by being a cheapskate -- er...... I mean a thrifty man. The way I look at it is the more money you spend on Promotions, TV ads and Billboards, the less money there is for the CONsultant! As far as Billboards go, you live in Detroit; just hire some lower-socioeconomic miscreant with a ready supply of spray-paint cans. Give the li'l schvartza a couple of t-shirts and he'll paint on anything; maybe even on your competitors billboards!

Where TV is concerned, forget about it, bubbola! You call TV entertainment? I call it crap, that's what I call it. Nobody watches TV anymore. Except for Seinfeld; what a nice looking boy he is!

And "Major Promotions?" You mean like give-aways? SHAME on you, meshuggunah; GIVING away what could be raffled off! Remember CONsultants' rule #9, which reads: "If you promote your air-personalities, then they will get popular and you will have to PAY them big money. This puts a serious damper on your ability to pay CONsultant fees. So popularity is not necessarily a good thing." Take my advice, don't be a mensch; take the money and run. And if the checks bounce, my cousin Sol is a good attorney!

To make you feel better, I'll mail you a full-color pie-chart, with which you can fill in the blanks to prove your point at meetings any way you like. You will, of course, be expected to mail me back a check for $9.95, and the check better not bounce!

Murray The CONsultant.

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