Dear Murray The CONsultant;
Last week one of our competitors switched from from Country to HOT/AC, which is our format. Now we're not the only HOT/AC station in the market. Can we keep them from stealing our audience? What do we do now?
Frightened in Fort Worth.
This reminds me of the time my little brother Irving was born. Not only was I jealous of the attention the new little mensch received, but they named him "Irving" for God's sake! Oy! Was I meshugunnah, I tell you! It was then that I decided to become a CONsultant, even though I was 5 at the time.
First of all, as a CONsultant, I must tell you a big secret: This change is going to be very lucrative for you! You see, if your station is doing well, they DON'T NEED YOU! So the solution is to incite panic among your staff NOW! Stand un-noticed in doorways when people are talking to each other, and when they finally notice you standing there, look "concerned" and slowly walk away. Always carry a clipboard with a colorful line-graph on it that shows the arrows pointing downward. Look at it once in a while and slowly shake your head while grimacing. This will make your staff nervous, because up until now they thought they were doing well (which they were, but we don't want them to be too sure about that!).
Next, make lots of superfluous changes, just so it looks like you actually DO something. Add lots of songs that you know the staff will hate (but that you like), fire the overnight kid, and stretch all the rest of your air-shifts by 1 hour. Tell your morning show that all "bits" are suspended until further notice and that anything done on the air that isn't "music-related" must fit inside a 12-second music bed to the tune of "You Light Up My Life". Play the same 4 Hootie & The Blowfish songs every hour. You know that "Win-A-Car" promotion you were going to do? Bag it. Sell the car to your cousin Moira and take a "business trip" to do "radio research" in Las Vegas. When you return, the ratings will have dropped, moral will be at an all-time low and your promotion director will have resigned..... and THEN you're in business, Bubbola! Now they NEED you!
Remember the 1st rule of CONsulting: If the station is doing well and everyone is happy, then YOU are out of a job! By the way, my little brother Irving is currently a scientist at NASA. He spends his time HELPING people. You call that living? I call it useless, that's what I call it! If he had listened to me, he'd be a CONsultant!
Murray The CONsultant.
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